She backs up against the wall as she stares at him. He advances with feral eyes, his lips parted in a snarl, his hands reaching for her, tearing at her clothes. She flails at him, fending him off… fighting off Orpheus… or is it Lamont… wearing Roman’s face…? His face leers and it *is* Roman or John Black… it’s Roman wearing the face of the stranger who became her love… and then it’s Stefano and his breath is hot and fetid on her face, his hands on her, tearing at her clothes..
“Doc…” he pants hotly… “Doc, sweetheart, wake up…”
She wakes with a gasping sob, clutching the sheets to her, wet with her own perspiration. And Roman is there, reaching for her, brushing the hair from her forehead, so concerned and loving and…
“Roman, don’t!” she pushes away his hands, half terrified, half furious. She’s not even sure who she’s angry at any more. She just wants to stop feeling like this. She’s so tired. So tired and distraught, she feels like she’s barely functioning any more.
“Doc, I’m just…” he pulls away from her, giving her the space she clearly desires. “I’m just trying to help you.” He’s confused and a his voice little reproachful.
“Well you’re not helping me,” she snaps at him, hating herself even as she says it. She loves him so and for the past few weeks he’s been the only thing keeping her sane.
She knows what it is, the rational psychiatrist buried deep beneath the trauma sees this exactly for what it is. Post-traumatic stress and depression… but the harder she tries to apply her rational knowledge, the more she doubts herself and the deeper she sinks.
And every time she looks at Roman, she sees all the mistakes she has made, all the terrible things she has done. She sees Lamont in her bed and Isabella in his and she just wants to change everything. Everything about the past, everything about herself.
She doesn’t know how to put this behind her and move forwards. Try as she might, she just seems stuck in this interminable loop of fear, regret and nightmares.
“Marlena,” he reaches towards her but his hand falters before he touches her. “Baby, I don’t know what to do. I want to make this better for you. Tell me how to make it better…” His blue eyes shine with tears.
“You can’t,” she says dully. “Don’t you think if I knew how you could make it better I’d have told you by now?” she looks at him, cinnamon eyes narrowed. “Do you think I’m enjoying this?” And now she hates herself even more as the hurt clouds his expression. She can’t keep doing this to him. She has to work out how the hell to stop doing this.
“Roman,” Laura’s voice comes softly from the bedroom doorway. He turns to meet her eyes while Marlena turns away to hide her falling tears. Laura ventures several steps into the room, her expression sympathetic but firm. “Roman, can I have a word?”
Roman looks back at his wife, his distress evident and then he looks back at Laura helplessly. “Please?” she raises her eyebrows and then nods at the doorway.
Roman sighs and then reaches out to touch Marlena’s hair. “I’ll be back in a minute Doc.”
Marlena swallows a sob and then looks back at him, nodding, unable to trust herself to say anything. She watches him pull on some jeans and a clean shirt and then follow Laura from the room, his shoulders slumped and dejected and a fresh wave of sobs shimmer from her.
She can’t be without him, but his devotion is so undeserved and although she hates to admit it, she feels smothered by it. She needs some space to work out who she is now; the Marlena that this Grace monster has made her. She needs to breathe and Roman is not letting her breathe. He’s suffocating her.
And she feels so guilty for feeling this way about him.
She doesn’t blame him at all. He loves her and he is worried about her, she understands that. Quite honestly, she’s worried about herself. But that doesn’t change things. He wants to fix her and make things better. That’s one of the things she’s always loved about him. But he can’t fix this. He can’t fix her. The only person who can fix her is herself.
If she only had the first clue how to go about it.
“I know you’re trying to help her,” Laura says gently. “But you’re not.” “But how… I can’t just watch her go through all this and not *do* anything,” Roman runs his fingers through his hair and looks away for a moment, trying to compose himself. Then, looking back at Laura, his expression painfully intense. “What am I supposed to do? Just walk away from her? When she’s in pain, when she’s terrified, I’m just supposed to turn my back?”
“Of course not.” Laura shakes her head, “Roman, I’d never advocate that. Of course not. Listen,” she smiles gently, leaning her head on one side. “You’re scared for her, which is perfectly natural, of course it is. But she sees that and it puts her under extra pressure.” She raises her eyebrows slightly, the gesture underlining her intention. “It makes her feel like she’s failing you by not getting better. And it’s making her feel even worse about herself and everything that’s happened. She feels like she’s letting you down all over again.”
“She’s *never* let me down!” Roman says fiercely. “Doc’s never let me down, *ever*.”
“I know that, and you know that,” Laura tells him patiently, “but Marlena thinks she has. And it’s Marlena’s feelings that are the problem here. Everything that she’s gone through, it’s finally telling on her. She needs to come to the realisation herself that she’s not to blame for all this. But Roman, only she can do that.” She sighs, leaning back against the wall. Roman looks uncertain but she can tell he is hearing what she says, and that’s a good start. “You can tell her until she’s blue in the face, but until she understands that for herself, in her own heart, she’s not going to start feeling better. And if you just continue to tell her, she’ll simply continue to feel guilty for not being able to believe you.”
“Well… what do I do?” Roman asks plaintively, his gold wedding ring glinting as he runs his fingers through his hair again. He feels almost as lost as Marlena right now. He hears what Laura is saying and despite himself, he knows in his heart, she’s right. She’s the doc here, and as much as he hates it, she understands Marlena better than he does right now. He has to trust her, that’s why she’s here. If she can’t help Marlena, no-one can.
The thought chills him to the core. Doc has to get through this, she has to. She cannot keep having these nightmares. She can’t keep sinking the way she is. “If I do this your way… tell me what to do Laura.”
“You need some support Roman. Keeping all your attention focussed on Marlena is not helping either of you.” She places her hand on his shoulder. “Roman, you’ve got to accept that you can’t do this alone. Marlena needs help and she needs more help than you can give her, which is why I am here. But you need help too.” Laura’s sympathy, her deep regret and pain at what her friends are going through thread through each and every one of her words. She’s never been more sincere in her advice to a patient or a friend.
She has been watching Roman and Marlena over the past few days and she has quickly come to this conclusion. And every interaction, every moment shared between them; both the sweet, intimate moments and those permeated with the frustration they both so evidently feel, have backed up her first impressions.
They both have scars that need to heal, but by sticking so close by each other; they are only rubbing those wounds raw over and over again. They need some space to breathe, to heal independently of each other.
And so yesterday, on her way back from going to see Jennifer, she had called in at the Brady pub to talk to Caroline Brady. And that visit and subsequent conversations had added to her concern. The Brady family feel shut out and they are also hurting and bear their own burden of guilt and pain.
Laura can’t help feeling that the key to this whole mess is the fractured Brady family unit. If they can help Roman, then he can be in a position to be the anchor that Marlena so badly needs him to be.
Roman takes a deep breath and then nods. She’s right, he does need help. He’s so tired he doesn’t even know which way is up any more. “You’re right,” he nods. “I need help. I know you have your hands full with Marlena, Laura, but can I ask you….?”
His tongue ties before he can get the words out. He wants to ask for her help but she’s here for Marlena. Marlena needs all her time and energy. He’s selfish to ask her to split her time between them. And he doesn’t even know if he can talk about everything that happened to him when Marlena was Grace. And before that. How he feels about the fact that she was Grace when Stefano had her. That she killed for the old man. That Orpheus raped her. That Roman let all these things happen to her. And that he almost let the mercenary break her completely.
No, he doesn’t want to talk about it. He just wants someone to tell him the answers. He wants Laura to tell him how to make things better for Doc and for himself and their children.
“Listen,” Laura takes his hand and tugs on it. “Come downstairs with me.”
Roman looks again at the closed bedroom door. He can’t help thinking that Marlena needs Laura’s help right now, much more than he does. She should be in there, not out here with him.
“She’ll be fine Roman. It’s just a couple of minutes, that’s all. Once I’ve said what I need to say, I’ll come back up here and spend some time with Marlena, okay?”
He pauses for a moment longer and then nods, following Laura down the stairs and sitting on the sofa when she indicates it. She sits down next to him and takes his hand in his.
“I want to help you Roman and I will as much as I can,” she nods but looks apologetic at the same time, “but honestly, I don’t think I’m the kind of help you need. You need help to process all the things you have been through and all the emotions you feel because of that. But I think you need someone to talk to that you can trust. Someone who knows you, and has been through all these things with you. Both of you. It’s not just Marlena who has been through all this, Roman. You’ve been through it with her.” She looks over her shoulder at the living room which still bears the marks of Grace’s tenure. It’s going to take a long time for them to stop seeing Grace in their every day life.
“You’ve seen Grace hurt your friends and family. You’ve lived as and overcome Stefano’s mercenary. Marlena was shot and almost died for goodness sake!” Laura realises that her voice is rising, so she takes a breath and a moment to gather herself. When she speaks again, her tone is gentle and soothing once more. “You need to talk about all those things Roman. You need to talk about how they made you feel. But Marlena can’t be that person for you. She can’t listen to those things because she lived them herself. Because they’ll make her feel worse about what happened. About what she thinks she did to you. So she can’t be that person for you. Not right now.”
Roman says nothing, just stares at her for a long moment. Then he looks away, at the newly framed picture of Marlena and Belle on the bookshelf. There were so few of their things left in the living room when they had arrived back from Louisiana and it seems to be taking an inordinately long time to put things back to normal.
Maybe because things are not normal at all.
Laura is right of course. About all of it. He can pretend all he likes that none of this has affected him. He can try and carry on like everything is normal, but how can it be normal when he is Roman Brady and his wife almost died in his arms less than two months ago?
“So who?” he asks, in a gravely voice. Although he already knows what Laura is going to say. Because he knows she is right. He needs his family.
She doesn’t even need to say anything as the doorbell chimes - he immediately knows who it will be. Giving Laura a look that tells her he is both annoyed and grateful at the same time, he pushes himself from the sofa and makes his way to the door.
Sure enough, when he opens it, he finds Caroline and Kayla standing there, twinned hopeful and expectant expressions on their faces. “Why do I feel like I’ve just been set up?” he growls.
“Probably because you have.” Laura’s smile is calm and temperate. She’s not embarrassed in the slightest about having engineered this. She knows exactly what she’s doing and that she’s doing the right thing for all her friends. “I called them this morning Roman, because I’ve been watching you with Marlena and I’ve been concerned that you both need some time out from each other. You’re too much of a reminder of what’s happened and the things that you’ve discovered over the past few months to spend *all* your time together at the moment.” She comes up to stand beside him. “So I think that you need your family right now. And I know your mother wants to spend some time with you. I think it will be good for all of you.”
Roman looks at Caroline’s hopeful face and he can’t deny that it makes him feel calm. She’s his mother after all. The mother that loved him and then spurned him.
But hell, he’s made mistakes. How can he point the finger and deny forgiveness to his parents of all people? Stefano tricked everyone. The old man faked them all out, and he wants to make his parents pay for that?
No, that’s not fair, and it’s not what he wants at all. Not really. He wants his family. He wants to love them again and be loved by them.
“Roman?” Caroline says quietly. “We just want to help you son. That’s all.”
“I know Mom,” the corners of his mouth twitch into the smallest of smiles and then he leans in and hugs her tightly. “I know that, I always knew it.” He looks first at Kayla and then Laura with a rueful smile. “I just didn’t know I really needed help. Not until this morning.”
“Why don’t you go with your Mom? Spend the day and I’ll see to Marlena,” Laura suggests quietly.
Roman doesn’t even hesitate this time. This is what he needs, he knows it. And it’s also what Marlena needs. Some breathing space, some time without him. He’s not helping her, Laura is right. His constant presence seems to just be making things worse. He knows all the things she did. The things Grace did and every time she looks at him, every time he looks at her, they see Grace standing between them. And they have to be able to exorcise that ghost or Grace will tear them apart.
“Just let me get my jacket,” he tells his mother and then to Laura, “you will look after her, won’t you. Tell her where I’ve gone and if she needs me, for any reason, I’m just a phone call away.”
“That’s why I’m here,” Laura reminds him gently as she hands him his leather jacket. “Trust me Roman. You have to both trust me now. I can help her, but only if she, and you, let me.”
“I know.” Roman nods his assent. He’s never been good at letting go. Particularly not where Marlena is concerned. She’s his utmost concern at all times. But he knows that there are times when he has to step back, even when it’s what he least wants to do. And this is one of them. He shrugs on his jacket and then stops, looking backwards up the stairs.
“I’ll call you in a few hours, keep you up to date,” Laura tells him. “She’ll be fine. You just go. Let your family take care of *you* for a change.” She pats him on the back nudging him in the direction of the door. Kayla holds her hand out and entwines her fingers with Roman’s.
“C’mon Roman,” she tugs on his hand. “Pop and Bo are waiting.”
Roman smiles ruefully and then nods once more at Laura. “Tell her I love her, Laura,” he says sadly.
“I will, but I think she already knows,” Laura chuckles, trying to lighten the moment. And then Roman is gone, out the door and she is closing it behind him.
She locks the door behind her and then looks towards the stairs, sighing as she does so. That was the easy bit.
Now to tackle Marlena…