There is a simultaneous explosion of noise from several quarters of the room, from Sami, Eric and Kayla. From Shawn Brady who looks as pale as a ghost. And behind her, Roman moans "Doc, no!" the sound slicing through her and leaving her breathless with the pain.
Over towards the kitchen, there is a high-pitched moan and Marlena looks over to see Caroline clasp her granddaughter's hands tightly.
"Oh Belle. I'm *so* sorry baby," she shakes her head sadly. "You shouldn't have to hear this, to know that I did these things. I'd do *anything* for none of this to have happened, but it did. I did these things and you need to know the truth, because you're going to hear it soon enough anyway."
"What do you mean, Mom?" Eric comes over to the sofa where Sami sits, now perched on the edge of it, her hands clasped and pressed against her mouth. Her blue eyes are glassy with tears as she watches her mother's every movement. He stands next to the arm of the couch and faces his mother, his forehead deeply creased. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about taking responsibility for my actions," Marlena curses the tremor that has crept into her voice and she crosses her arms in front of her as if defending herself from the onslaught of emotions that are pouring into the room. "I took another person's life, Eric. And there wasn't just him. There were more, when I was working for Stefano. I told you... I did terrible things. Sami said something to me down on the pier and she was right. What I did broke up families. I took fathers from children. Sons from mothers. If Stefano should have to pay for taking Roman from you, then why do I get to walk away blame free? Why do I tell Sami she has to take responsibility for her actions and then expect to walk away from my responsibilities?"
She turns to Bo now, carefully avoiding catching Roman in her line of sight. "Bo, I'm confessing to the murder of Robert Lamont. Is that sufficient to arrest me or Do you need a written confession?"
"Marlena, what the hell do you think you're doing!?" Roman explodes behind her. Suddenly she feels his hands, his fingers curling around her upper arms as he pulls her around to face him. His eyes are alive with anger and utter unmitigated terror as he demands an explanation. "What are you *doing*? We talked about this. The kids need you. *I* need you. You've suffered enough. We've lost enough. I'm not losing you now, Doc. *Not now*."
"Roman," she says his name softly, like a whispered prayer that he might find some kind of peace in her decision, as she has. "Honey, I'm sorry. I couldn't tell you before... I didn't know until we were on the pier. I know we talked about it but that was before. Now, I know this is right. I know what I have to do to make this right."
"This doesn't make things *right*, Marlena!" He is practically shouting; angry tears trailing over his cheeks and dripping from his jaw. "This is just insanity. You expect me to just accept this? To just let you walk out of my life? You think a trip to the electric chair makes everything okay? Or the rest of your life in prison? You think that makes things right for the kids, gives them something concrete to be going on with?" He looks at the children and then looks back at her in disgust. "You think that the thought that their mother is paying for crimes that she didn't even commit of her own free will is going to keep them warm at night? Hold them when they cry? Soothe their broken hearts? Christ Marlena, *think* what you're saying!"
Marlena shakes her head, her own tears echoing glistening paths across the landscape of her pale face.
"I *have* thought about it," she cries between choking sobs. "I've thought about it from the moment I've woken up till the moment I've gone to sleep for the past three weeks. When I *could* sleep," she adds as she pushes her hair back off her face, her fingers pulling in damp, tangled hair. "I've tried and tried to reconcile the knowledge of what I did with who I am... who I thought I was at least, and I just *can't*. I've hurt people. I've *murdered* people, Roman. How do I live with that? How do I just get up every morning and carry on as if everything is normal? As if life is normal? As if I'm still the same Marlena? Because I'm not the same Marlena."
She pulls herself from his grasp and then turns around and looks at the horrified faces of her family as they stare at her. It's as if she's a stranger, a foreigner in her own skin, a doppelganger who has snuck in with Marlena's face and her voice and they are just now realizing that there is a outsider in their midst. "I've hurt you all so deeply. And I keep on hurting you. I'm hurting you now. Just before...." She turns back to Roman, her anguish written all over her face and her voice sounding more and more panicked. "I could see it in your eyes. Roman, I don't know how to behave anymore, what to say. I have all these feelings and these reactions and I don't know them and I don't understand them and I simply don't know what to do with them, or how to stop them." She clenches her teeth together and the feeling of her fingernails digging into her palms only intensifies the feeling of uncontrollable panic. "I want to stop them but I can't, they just keep coming and I'm scared Roman. I'm really scared I'll hurt you."
"You don't *need* to stop them." Roman tells her, grabbing her wrists and holding them to his chest, her fists balled and tense against his heart. "You won't hurt me, Marlena. You just need to learn how to manage them and deal with them and we can do that together, we really can," he pleads with her, his desperation battling to get the better of hers. "Please, honey, this isn't the right way to deal with this. We can get through this. Together."
"Roman," she shakes her head, her jaw clenched tightly as she tries to retain control over her spiralling emotions. "I *can't*. You don't understand. I took Lamont to that warehouse and I tied him up and left him there for a week with no food and no water. Then I went back and *beat* him to within an inch of his life before I took a gun, put it to his head and made him beg before I blew his brains out." She stops and swallows, pulling her self away again so that she can wipe away her tears with the backs of her hands. "Now do you want to tell me I shouldn't pay for that? Or that I'm not a danger to society and to all of you, when Grace is still in my head, fighting for control?"
"Marlena, you are *not* a danger to us *or* to society," Roman reaches out to touch her hair, but he falters and drops his hand at the last minute. Instead his hands bunch into fists and he holds them in front of him, a signal of the intense frustration and passion he feels. "I can cope with you hurting me. I can cope with the Grace that comes out now and then. What I can't cope with is the thought of losing you. Of seeing you only behind plexiglass once a week; or worse... never seeing you again. I can't do that, Doc." There is a fracture in his voice and the tears seep through, closing up his throat and drowning his words as he tries to speak. "Please don't ask me to do that, Marlena. I *won't* do that."
She just looks at him with huge, anguished eyes; eyes burning with guilt and pain and the horror of the things she has seen and done. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "I'm not.... I just don't want to hurt you Roman."
"Well then, *don't*!" He says fiercely, as though by just the force of his words, he can somehow drill through her skull and snatch out this ludicrous idea she's gotten into her head. "I won't let you." His face becomes stubborn, his eyes blazing defiance. "You do this Marlena, and I will find the best lawyers there are to defend you. There's not a jury in the world that would convict you on the evidence we'll provide."
"I won't accept them." Marlena argues, just as stubborn as her husband. "I'll plead guilty. I'll dismiss them; tell the court to send them away. Anyway, you can't afford to hire me any lawyers. Not any more."
"I don't care." Roman points at her furiously, trying to impress on her the seriousness of his words and his intentions. "I'll work ten damn jobs if I have to. I'll go to Victor and *beg* him to help me out." He points at her angrily, his finger shaking. "I will *not* see you suffer for something you didn't do. That that old *bastard* forced upon you. He destroyed you and he made you suffer. He made *me* suffer, he took you away from me and now you want to help him do it again?"
"Roman, this isn't just about you and me," her voice drops to an agonized whisper. "It's about *justice*. It's about..." she stops short and then turns around, pointing at Sami with her own trembling finger. "You heard Sami earlier. Grace can't be a ‘get out of jail free' card for me. I can't pretend these things didn't happen and that I wasn't responsible for them. I need to make reparation, it's only right."
"It's *not* right." Kayla stands against the wall, her arms folded. Her eyes fixed on Marlena, she pushes herself from the wall and walks towards her sister-in-law, her face deadly serious. "When Kim was Lacey... when she shot Roman...." She stops blinking. "Oh God, that wasn't even Roman." She shakes her head, trying to make sense of what she is saying. "Marlena, *you* counselled Kim then. He was hanging between life and death and you thought he was your husband but you didn't blame her. You didn't tell her she was responsible for shooting her own brother. What Lacey did, she was trying to protect Kim. Because of what had happened to her. How is that different from what you've gone through?"
"It's not." Hope adds from her place on the floor by the fire. "It's not different at all." Her eyes are dark and intense as she stares at Marlena. Marlena wrinkles her brow and shakes her head wearily. Hope frowns stubbornly and shrugs. "Well if that's the case, I guess if you really feel like you should pay for the things Grace did, then I'd better turn myself over to the cops too."
"No!" Marlena exclaims, horrified at the thought that they are extrapolating this to come to such inconceivable conclusions. "*No* Hope, it *is* different. Kayla, Kim's situation was different. Yes Lacey was trying to protect herself, protect Kim. Grace was just... she was malicious."
"So was Gina," Hope shrugs nonchalantly. Then she sighs and pushes herself from the floor. Standing, she brushes down her jeans and then pulls her hair back behind her shoulder. A stubborn expression settles on her face as she turns to Bo and holds out her arms, wrists upwards. "What about it Brady? You going to book us?"
"Hope, stop it," Marlena says angrily. "You're not being fair. This isn't a joke."
"Who says I'm joking?" Hope's flippancy melts away and her chocolate eyes grow intensely serious. "You think I don't feel the same guilt you do, Marlena? That I don't live with the knowledge of what I did, every day? And now, if you're responsible for what Grace did, if you can't forgive yourself for not being able to break through Stefano's manipulations and conditioning, how am I not supposed to hold myself to the same standards?"
"It's not the same," Marlena says softly. "Oh, Hope it's not the same. Gina wasn't you. Her actions came from... she was a person that wasn't anything to do with you. Like the mercenary wasn't anything to do with Roman. Stefano was a puppeteer and you were simply the bodies that he used. But Grace," she bangs her fist to her chest to emphasize her words, "she is part of *my* psyche. She's part of me, she came from me and she exists within me still. And I know that even if Stefano did manipulate me, if he did bring about Grace's existence, the truth is still that she killed because she *enjoyed* it. She enjoyed the power, the thrill it gave her to hold another person's existence in her hands. To taunt someone and see the fear in their eyes. I remember all that, " she swallows, the tears welling again. She flicks them away with shaking fingers and her head falls for a moment. Then she looks up at Hope and slowly shakes her head. "If I tried, I could remember every *word* she spoke to every victim. Every inch of pain she ever inflicted. Every scream she elicited. And every emotion she felt. She *enjoyed* it." Her hands are cold and clammy and she feels like vomiting as her own words echo in her ears. She slowly looks at her family; at the Brady's, at her children's pale, tearstained faces. At her dumbstruck husband. And when she speaks again, her voice is hollow and dead. "I can't live with that. I can't face you all every day holding that knowledge inside me."
There is a long moment of silence and then Eric moves from where he's been standing next to his youngest sister. She is buried within the crook of Caroline's arm, her eyes tightly shut and her hands screwed up in white fists as they lay on the table in front of her.
"So. You can't live with it, can't face us and because of that, you're running away?" Eric demands angrily. "Because that's what it sounds like to me." He angrily wipes the tears from his jaw with his palm and then stands face to face with her. "Mom, you just gave us our family back. And now you're talking about taking it away? That's not fair. You think it's only right and *just*? What about what's right for us? Belle needs both of her parents. So does Sami."
"They are better off without me, Eric," Marlena tells him, her voice drowning in unshed tears. "You all are, truly. I'm so sorry."
"Who says?" Eric demands. "What, you make that decision for all of us? C'mon Mom. You don't know whether you're coming or going. You're wracked with guilt; you almost *died* three weeks ago; you just had the shock of your life and you're trying to reconcile a lifetime of lies. Don't you think you might not be the best judge of what *we* need at the moment? Don't you think it might be a decision that your children might want to make for themselves? We *are* capable of it you know." Marlena makes to speak, but he holds up his hand with a stern grimace. "No, forget about us. I don't even think you're a good judge of what *you* need at the moment. I mean really, what the hell is handing yourself over to the police going to accomplish? Who is it going to help? It's not going to help Stefano's victims. They're dead. And he should be the one to pay for their murders. He was the one that wanted them dead in the first place, wasn't he? And by the sounds of it, Grace was just the tool that he made to do the job." He stops, clenching his jaw and swallowing convulsively. "You know... I didn't think anything could make me hate DiMera more than I already did. He took away my Mom and my Dad. And then he took away my Dad again and he screwed up this family with every chance he got. But I.... geez, nothing tops this. What he did to you." His lips flicker, his face screwing up in barely contained rage. "If I could get my hands on him..."
"You'd have to get in line kid," Roman's voice behind her is rasping and hoarse and it tears at Marlena's heart like sandpaper. "And don't you doubt it Doc, I would enjoy every fucking minute of it."
"Roman! Don't say that." She cries, whirling around to face him again. "Please, you can't mean that. That's not who you are."
"We all have it in us, Doc," he says quietly. "It's just the right, or wrong combination of circumstances. C'mon baby, you're a shrink. You know that we're all capable of it if we're pushed to the edge of reason."
"And what if we are?" she demands, pushing her hair back out of her eyes. Her tiredness is starting to get the better of her again and she closes her eyes momentarily. She sways almost imperceptibly on the balls of her feet and then she opens her eyes again, not giving Roman a split second to react. "Roman, that doesn't excuse it. That doesn't give us free reign to act out, doesn't give us any kind of dispensation to inflict that kind of pain on another human being."
"Are you saying you don't want to see Stefano suffer for what he did?" Roman raises his eyebrows.
"Not summary justice, no," Marlena steps forward and lays her hand on his cheek. "Not at your hands." Her voice is soft now, her eyes dancing as they alight on his. "I don't want you to have that on your conscience. However much he might deserve it. The knowledge of what you have done... it will eat you alive."
"Like it's eating you?" Belle's voice comes from behind her and Marlena closes her eyes. Her daughter's voice produces the most exquisite ache in her chest, a conflation of guilt and sorrow and she sways again reaching out to Roman to steady herself.
He takes the opportunity to grasp her upper arms again, gently this time and helps to support her weight as she turns around to face her youngest daughter.
"Mom, I don't care what you did." Belle says simply. "I don't care what Grace did, I don't *care* if you remember it. I know you feel bad that Grace hurt us, but everyone has told you again and again... that wasn't *you*. And Eric is right, if you confess, if you go to jail, what does that make right? Whose life is made better by that? Because it won't be ours. It won't be yours. And it sure as heck won't be Dad's." She looks at Roman and tosses her blonde hair with a half-smile on her face. "He's hopeless without you. We won't just lose a mother, we'll lose both of you because Dad will be...." Her expression grows apologetic as she directs her words at her father. "Sorry Dad, but it's true. You'll be useless without her around to look after you."
"No need to apologize, Izzy," John gives her a thin smile in return. "You're quite right. And if your mother thinks I'm going to give up on her now, after we've come this far, after I fought that hard to get her back, she's got another thing coming."
Marlena turns her head to look at Roman and then turns back to Belle. She'd known that they wouldn't make this easy for her. But she'd been so sure she was right, so convinced that this was the right thing to do. She's drowning in guilt and she's no good to her family like this. Even more than that, she's terrified that she's a danger to them, that one day, out of the blue she will snap, she will break again and Grace will be free to inflict all the damage she can on Roman and her family.
Marlena will die before she allows that to happen again; but if she couldn't control Grace before, if she couldn't stop her lying to and manipulating her family, if she couldn't stop her hurting Roman... how the hell will she next time?
Unless, she's far away from them where she has no opportunity to hurt them.
"Belle..." she says softly. "I... the last thing I want to do is make things worse for any of you."
"Well then, don't!" Belle cries, choking back a sob.
"*Please* Marlena." Caroline has listened to all of this more or less silently. She has learnt that the woman she thought of as her daughter hadn't been Marlena. She has learnt that the man she'd thought her son for nigh on ten years, wasn't. And the man she'd turned her back on all these years ago, is. She's learnt that Marlena had been shot and almost killed down in
She has watched Marlena's pale face as she's told her story, she's seen the suffering etched in every line and the dark bruises under her eyes. She has seen John (her son?) shed tears of fury and frustration; his eyes gritty and bloodshot. She has seen the weariness and exhaustion that dog both of them, a deep tiredness that is so familiar that neither of them even seem aware that they feel it any more.
And now there's this. A brutal and uncensored truth of what Grace had been capable of. An example of the things she had done.
The man Caroline had called son, the man that had eaten at this table, had laughed with them had been murdered. By Grace. By malevolence wearing Marlena's skin.
Caroline knows that Abe and Bo had shielded her from the truth. She had seen it in their eyes when they had told her of finding Roman's body.
No Mom, he didn't suffer. It was fast. It was merciful.
Grace wasn't merciful. Grace was anger and pain and vitriol. Grace had been brutalized and she had internalized that pain and made it hers to mete out in kind. Roman had suffered all right. He had screamed into the silence and then she had put a gun to his head and finished it once and for all. She had killed her pain, but in doing so, she had magnified Marlena's a hundredfold.
And she had brought this family to its knees.
And still the damage unfolds. She looks at John... Roman.... Her son. Oh God, her son. His agony is raw and powerful and it fills the air palpably until it's choking everyone in the room. She can hardly breathe with the intensity of emotion from Roman and from the children, so how in God's name can Marlena think it would be better to walk away from them? How can she think that it wouldn't completely tear them apart?
All it will take is for Sami to realize that her mother's accident was a result of finding out about Roman and Hope and the baby and she will most likely revert to type and lay all blame at Roman's door. She will refuse the truth and without Marlena to pull her up and to guide her, Sami will spiral into a self-destructive hell.
Caroline can't let that happen. Whatever Marlena did, whatever Grace did... whatever Roman did, whomever he was or is... she will not let her grandchildren suffer for it.
"Marlena, darling." Her voice is as mellow as Roman and Belle's are distraught. "Listen to me. Your children need you. They need your guidance and your love. They need you in their family. To lead their family. And Roman needs you Marlena. You told us before that we owed it to him to make up the time we lost. That if we wasted any more time with him, we'd just be punishing him. Well, what about you?" she asks simply. "Roman fought for you. He risked *everything* to bring you back to your family and this is your answer? This is how you repay him?"
"Mom," Roman starts uncomfortably.
"No son," Shawn speaks now. "Your mother is right. Someone needs to say these things. Marlena... she needs to think of her family now, so she does."
There's a long silence and all eyes are on Marlena as she struggles with her emotions. Struggles to construct an answer to her treasured youngest child. Struggles to find an explanation that her mother-in-law will understand. Struggles to contain the panic and anger warring inside of her.
Finally, she straightens and deliberately pulls her arms from Roman's grasp. She moves away from him, crossing her arms so that she stands in the middle of the room, her voice clear and icy cold.
"I can't... I don't expect *any* of you to understand why I have to do this." She faces Caroline and Shawn. "You're right, I do owe Roman more than this. But I also owe him the chance at a future. After everything I've done, I'm going to be a pariah in
Her voice fades, dissolving into tears that thicken her throat and paralyse her tongue. But one last line echoes through the silence, husky with pain.
"I'll only hurt you if I stay."
A discordant chorus of denials issues forth into the room, Roman Belle and Eric all battling to make themselves heard over the rest of their family.
Sami carefully pushes herself from the sofa and stands up to face her mother. Her cheeks burn a bright scarlet and fury flashes in her eyes. She takes a step towards Marlena and then stops, a look of disgust marring her pretty face.
"I will *never* speak to you again if you do this." She says in a low, rage-filled voice. "I will *never* forgive you. You can't just offer me my family back in one breath and then snatch it away in the next."
"Sami-" Marlena falls short. Of everyone in this room, she had expected Sami to agree with her. She'd expected Sami's anger to carry her along to the logical conclusion. Her mother had lied to her. Had murdered her surrogate father. Sami wouldn't ever forgive that. She couldn't ever forgive that.
Could she?
"Don't *Sami* me!" Sami snarls wildly. "You think you get to take the choice away from me again? That this time *you* get to walk away? Because this is the *right* thing to do? Jesus Mom, you just got done telling me that John walked away because you all thought it was the right thing and now it turns out that you couldn't have been more wrong. So what if you're wrong now? And believe me, you are so, *so* wrong. We *do* need you." She flings her hand around, indicating the disparate family members that sit and stand miserably, watching this drama in its death throes. "Have you actually *heard* anything that anyone has said here to you today? Have you *listened* to your children? Belle is beside herself over there. And Eric...." Her jaw juts out, trembling for a moment as she considers her next words. "Mom, you told me this decision was mine. That this time I get to make a choice. You *promised* me that we could be a family if I decided I wanted that."
"I know I did," Marlena whispers guiltily.
"Well I *do* want that." She bites her lower lip, realizing suddenly the import of what she has said. She looks at Roman, her eyes softening and filling with a real and genuinely unexpected emotion. "I want to make things right. I want to get to know John-" she stops herself and then blinks nervously, jamming her hands in her pockets as she does so. "I want to get to know my father again."
Marlena realizes that her intake of breath was audible when Sami looks back at her. But this time her eyes are pleading. "Look Mom, you're scaring the hell out of all of us here. What you're saying... it's insanity. You, going to jail... or worse... you think that's taking responsibility? Dealing with what happened? What you did?" Her lips thin as another flash of anger manifests itself in her expression and stance. "Eric is right. You can't stand the guilt, you can't face us and so you're running away. You're punishing *us*, not yourself."
"No, Sami, that's not true!" Marlena's eyes widen and her face proclaims her shock and her defensiveness. "I would never... I'm doing this because I *love* you."
"You're doing it because you're a coward," Sami shoots back. "Because you don't have the guts to work with us to make it through this. For us all to come to terms with the past. You'd rather leave us to work it out on our own, to reconcile what we know of you with what Grace did."
"No Sami!" Marlena's voice rises in alarm. "No, you've got it all wrong. I'm not running away from you. I'm trying to protect you. I don't...." she sighs and pulls her fingers through her hair awkwardly and her shoulders slump. She presses her lips together and then moves to the sofa, perching herself on the arm with a pained grimace. She looks at Roman who returns her look with one of hurt and confusion. She shakes her head sadly and drops her face into her hands. After a long moment, she runs her hands up through her hair and then looks up at her family. "I don't trust myself any more," she says simply. "I don't trust myself around you. Any of you. I still feel Grace, I still feel the things she felt and I don't know if I can say for sure that she'll never come back. And what if she does? What if I get knocked down by a car or fall and hit my head and it gives Grace her opportunity? I couldn't stop her last time and I don't know that I'll be able to stop her again." She turns to Roman, her hazel eyes shimmering. "I can't take that chance. I won't hurt you again."
"Doc..." Roman steps closer to her but she holds her hands up as if to ward him off. She can't take this, this kindness and this concern. This is breaking her heart. She doesn't *want* to walk away from them, she doesn't want any of this but she can't think of any other way to make sure her family is safe. "You heard what the doctors said down there," Roman says in a soft, soothing voice. "Grace isn't coming back. Not now, not again. The way you... when you came back to us, you broke through that wall. She can't come back."
"The doctors don't know that, Roman." Marlena says irritably. "They *think*, but they don't *know*. Not for sure. I'm a psychiatrist and *I* know that there's no way to say for sure that Grace won't make reappearance. And honey, I can't take that risk." There's an air of fierce determination about her now, her jaw is set stubbornly and her hands are clenched in her lap. "I won't hurt you again. Not *ever*."
"Don't *I* get a choice in this?" Roman asks, anger sinking into his voice and his demeanour.. "Marlena you'll hurt me a lot more if you do this. You'll hurt me more than Grace ever did. Or ever could."
"No!" she cries, almost involuntarily, her fingers frantically scrabbling and clutching at her skirt.
"Yes!" He answers simply and with a passion that echoes in every corner of the room. That wraps itself around and threads itself through every person present.
"Don't you *get* that yet, Doc? I can deal with *anything* else. I don't think she's coming back but I can manage Grace if she does. I know what I'm up against now and I can get help. But Doc, I *can't* cope with not having you in my life. God, I *just* got you back. I just got my *family* back. Don't take that away from me. *Please* Marlena. Listen to me. Listen to your *family*."
He fixes his eyes on his older daughter and smiles tentatively. She takes a beat and then smiles back shyly and nods, her eyes glittering. Then his eyes drift around the room, taking in the hopeful and tense looks on the faces of his family. His parents and his children and his siblings. They are all on the edge of a knife-blade here. Marlena has no idea how much she holds them all together, how she is the lynchpin of their family. Without her they could all just as easily fall apart.
He looks back at her and sees the doubt and uncertainty that collide within her. She's starting to waver, he knows that and he has to take this opportunity to drive under her defences and convince her of that which she knows in her heart is true.
"Sweetheart, you don't need to protect us." He moves towards her until he is standing in front of her. This time she doesn't fend him off, she simply looks at him as he crouches in front of her and takes her hands in his. The look in her eyes is shattering and it is all he can do to talk without breaking down in front of her. He desperately wants to pull her into his arms and just never let her go.
"You don't need to pay for anything; you've already suffered far too much. Let's just deal with it and rebuild our lives. Let us have the chance to work this through with you. Give us the chance to make this family work." He pauses and leans his head forward, peering at her as she looks down at her lap. Tears splash onto his fingers and he sighs inwardly, wishing he could just take all this pain away from her. "Doc. I know you're frightened of hurting us, but that's our choice to take that risk and I think I speak for all of us when I say we'll willingly take it in order to have you with us."
"Of course we will," Sami pitches in and Marlena swings her head around to look at her daughter again. "Look Mom, we've all done things we regret..." Marlena raises her eyebrows at the enormous understatement and Sami can't help the chuckle that bubbles from her throat. "Yeah, okay. But you know what I mean." She shrugs with an awkward smile. "And okay, yeah, you hurt us. And you might hurt us again. But Mom, it would hurt us far more to lose you. Trust me on that one."
Marlena doesn't know what to say now; she's all out of arguments, all out of energy to fight her husband and her children any longer. Sami's reaction has toppled her. She'd been expecting a lot of things, but she hadn't expected this. At all.
"Please *Mom*," Sami pleads quietly as she comes to her mother's side. Tentatively, she reaches out and touches a wisp of Marlena's hair. "Please. I shouldn't have said the things I said before. I was wrong, I've been wrong about lots of things and I'm really, really sorry. So please don't do this, ‘kay?"
"Please Mom," Belle echoes Sami quietly. "Listen to her. *Please*." Eric stands behind his sister with his arms around her shoulders and he only nods, his impossibly blue eyes once again shredding Marlena's defences and leaving her naked and vulnerable.
They all look so eager and so hopeful. Belle's tear-streaked face begs her silently to give in, to surrender this battle. And to be honest, she's not sure she can think of any valid argument that they haven't already proved fallible. They will fight her on this until she's exhausted... well they've done that already, to be fair. She feels utterly spent and more frustrated than she can express. But too, she is beginning to feel a measure of hope and maybe even peace. And of all people, Sami is the one that with her words has provided a possible course out of the quagmire of guilt. If Sami can possibly forgive her... if she's wrong about that...?
Slowly, she looks past her children to her mother and father-in-law and they both nod and smile at her. By the wall, Kayla bites her lip and nods silently.
And then she comes to Bo.
Bo Brady, cop and brother. Officer of the law. She looks at him and his eyes meet hers. His face is completely impassive, his expression impenetrable as he stares back at her.
She swallows and then looks down at Roman, her chest aching as she brushes the tears from her eyes. "I confessed," she says quietly, exhaustion dogging her every word. "I confessed to his murder with a police officer in the room. This isn't my decision any longer."
Roman turns and looks at Bo. Bo looks at his brother as Roman stands up, drawing himself up to his full height.
"I'm not letting you take her Bo," he says gruffly. "I'm not letting her go. The only way she's going anywhere is if you come through me first and you'll have to be prepared to *kill* me to do that."
"Roman," Hope's voice comes from behind him and the words trail past him as she moves across the room to stand in front of her husband. "Bo isn't going through anyone. Are you, Brady?"
She raises her eyebrows. Her hands with their long slender fingers rest on her hips as Bo contemplates her as well as Roman and Marlena. The room falls completely silent for a long, excruciating moment as his eyes move between the three of them.
"Well? What about it, Bo?" Hope demands, anxiety creeping into her voice.
Bo lifts his shoulders in a casual shrug. "What about what?" He asks, evidently nonplussed. "I have no idea what you're all taking about. Haven't heard a thing." He shrugs and directs his attention at his brother. "Sorry bro, was I supposed to be paying attention?"
Roman's mouth curls; one half into a lazy smile that after a moment, leisurely slides into a full grin.
"Nah," the light in his eyes dances merrily as he shakes his head. "You didn't miss anything important little brother."
"Figured." Bo allows himself a grin of his own as he crosses the floor to where Roman stands and slaps him on the back. Then he turns to Marlena. He takes an extended moment to study her, his gaze scouring her from the inside out. Moving across to where his brother stands, he mimics Roman's actions of a few minutes earlier. With a soft smile, he crouches down on the floor in front of her.
"Listen Marlena, none of us can understand what you've been through. It must have been hell for you. It must still feel like that hell is with you." His face speaks an odd sort of sureness and a deep and genuine caring for her as he takes her hands in his. "But the God's honest truth is that none of us wants to see you suffer any more. You deserve a good life now. You and Roman deserve some happiness. Living a good life is the best revenge you can take against DiMera." His shoulders rise and fall in a shrug that tells her he thinks that there is no other option. "So do it now. Go home now and put the past behind you. Start living your life; start rebuilding your family."
Reaching up to her face, he lays the pads of his fingers on her cheeks in a tender gesture that floods her with shame. She doesn't understand why they are so ready to forgive all the terrible things that she has done. She could explain it away as their love for Roman, but she knows that's not it. They love Roman as John, but they are still working towards an acceptance of the truth where he is concerned. This is not simply a protection of his interests. No, this is something else all together, and it humbles her deeply that they care for her so much they can put the horrors of what she has done to one side and consider her happiness above their own comfort.
Bo pushes himself from his knees and leans towards her. His lips gently whisper a kiss against her forehead and he murmurs, "don't let them down Marlena. They need you more than you'll ever understand."
He straightens up and turns to Roman again. "You look after her, man," he says in a low guttural growl. "Or you'll have me to answer to."
"I fully intend to look after her, little brother." Roman's voice follows Bo as he moves backwards, finding his way back to his wife who slips her arm around him and gives him a proud, happy smile. "In fact," Roman adds as he turns back to Marlena. He raises his eyebrows hopefully, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to drive her crazy trying to look after her."
He waits to see if she will answer, but Marlena feels stuck in situ, paralysed beyond all reason. The words won't come and neither will the tears. She's utterly terrified and the terror seems to have seized every bone and muscle and welded them into place until she is completely immovable.
The creases in Roman's brows deepen and he stares at her stripping away each layer of her defences with that intimate, relentless gaze of his, the one that knows her and knows all her joy and all her pain. The one where he can read her thoughts and turn out every secret she shelters inside her soul, picking them apart, piece by piece.
She can only stare back at him, her emotions crashing together to meet in an indefinable confusion of hopes, doubts and fears.
"If she'll let me." He adds, a note of fear trembling on the edge of his voice.
"Please Mom," Sami says, stepping forward. Her hands are clutching her blue jacket tightly around her and her jaw tightens as she looks first at Roman and then at her mother. "Please, I promise I'll *try* and be a better daughter. If you'll just give us a chance. If you'll give us some time to come-"
Marlena holds up her hands, as though flailing for some kind of defence against Sami's words and it stills Sami into an anticipatory silence. She bites her lower lip nervously and waits; her posture stiff and tense.
Marlena engages her eyes for a long moment. Across the room, Belle fidgets impatiently and opens her mouth to pitch herself into the exchange. But a look from her father and Eric's hand tightening on her shoulder both combine to still her.
Marlena straightens her back, almost imperceptibly and looks at her husband. The ghost of a smile plays around her lips.
"Okay."
In the end, it's that simple. Her family wins. They want her and they need her. They won't let her run away, and they're right of course, that's what she's been trying to do. She still feels an overwhelming urge to do it and probably will do for a long time. She can't bear the thought of hurting them again.
But it's also true that they are a family. Roman and her children deserve the opportunity to be just that. To forge something new and strong and precious. She can't take that from them. She can't make them pay for her transgressions. She'll just have to deal with those, come to terms with those herself. In her own time and in her own way.
"Okay?" Roman's looks like he can hardly believe his ears, in fact they all look like they are hardly able to believe... to hope that she might have finally given up this insane notion of hers. "Doc, does that mean-?"
"It means, I give in." She turns her face up to his and a slow, weary smile curls her lips. Then she looks over at Sami. "You're right, Samantha. I'm being selfish to think that I can protect you by having myself locked away. That doesn't mean," she adds quickly, "that I don't deserve it. I still think you're all being ridiculously easy on me. But," she holds up her hands in surrender, "I can't argue with you any more. I won't. I love you all far too much and I love your father," she stops and looks back at Roman. Her smile broadens, her eyes sparkling and the look that passes between them is so personal and so deeply intimate that it makes most of those present feel like they are intruding. "I love your father more than I can ever possibly say. And I want to make him happy." She turns back to her children with a sad smile. "I want to make you all happy and I want to be the kind of mother and wife that you can be proud of again."
"You *are* Doc," Roman says quietly as he steps in front of her and takes her hands. "You already are. You fought DiMera and you fought Grace and you won. You came back to us. And you're here, and I know you're frightened and confused and you feel guilty. And I know you really want to do the right thing. So you need to know that this *is* the right thing. It really is." He cups her face, her impossibly soft skin warm against the rough calloused palm of his hand. "Let me look after you now. Let me show you how much I love you. How much we all love you."
Marlena leans her head into his touch and closes her eyes, just holding the moment, memorising the feel of his hand imprinted on her skin. How she thought she could ever walk away from him, she has no idea. In a moment, she has come to realize how irrational and ridiculous her plan had been. Leaving her family to rebuild itself after the bombshell she has dropped on them? Not even an option if she is honest. They do need her. And she needs them. Everything else is immaterial.
Sniffing, Marlena grips Roman's hands and lets him help her stand up. Her eyes catch his and a long, intimate moment passes between the two of them, words that are unspoken, known and felt, and infused in their souls. For that moment it is as though they are the only people in the room. Then, taking an unsteady breath, Marlena curls one arm around Roman's neck and lays her head against his shoulder. Tenderly, she presses her lips against his neck and then his jaw.
"Take me home, Roman," she says simply. "Please, take me home."