"Sami!" Marlena gasps in pain, her eyes wide as she holds her hands to her side. She bites back the tears and takes an unsteady breath and forces out her next words between gritted teeth. "Please stop, Sami."
Sami stops short, her foot on the first step and simply waits with her back to her mother. "I'm sorry sweetheart, I didn't meant to-" Marlena stops short. Despite her pain, her face conveys the fact that she realizes that Sami is in the right and she is clearly in the wrong. "You're right and I'm sorry. I won't push you any more. Your journey-" She closes her eyes and leans forward, trying to fight off the dizziness again. It's getting increasingly worse and the pain is a constant throbbing in her side now.
"Mom?" Sami's voice sounds as thought it is coming from miles away and Marlena has to call on all the strength that she can muster just to open her eyes and look over at her daughter. Sami launches herself from the step and lands heavily on the pier. She covers the distance between herself and Marlena in double-quick time and crouches down, her eyes bright with concern as she studies Marlena's face. "Mom, you look terrible."
"Gosh, thanks." Marlena's lips flicker into a strained smile.
"You want to tell me what happened to you down there?" Sami asks sharply.
"I got...." Marlena blows out a long breath between pursed lips, trying to steady her voice. The pain recedes slightly and she grips Sami's hand with a shrug. "It's nothing really. It's not important. Let's just go back to the pub, shall we?"
"Mom-" Sami's clearly frustrated but she apparently thinks better of arguing as she sees the shade of pain pass across Marlena's face again. "Okay, doesn't *look* like nothing, but I'm not gonna argue right now. You can tell me later once I've gotten you back to the pub. You shouldn't have come down here," she says reproachfully as she helps Marlena. "Here, put your arm around my shoulders. I wish you'd tell me what happened. I'm not a kid any more y'know."
"I know you're not, Sami. And I promise, I'll tell you later," she lets out a muffled groan as Sami slides her hand around her waist. "Oh, careful honey. Not right there." She presses her lips together but a whimper escapes her, and she staggers against Sami, the dizziness blurring her vision until she feels physically sick.
"Doc!"
There are several loud thuds and suddenly she feels strong arms around her, supporting her, gently lowering her back to the bench. The feeling of him, his closeness and his strength and even his scent is just heaven and she feels for a moment that she could melt into his arms and never be sad or unhappy again.
"C'mon baby, what the hell do you think you're doing?" He's clearly scared and it sounds in his voice as he holds her close, his face nuzzling her hair. "You know what the doctors said. You're supposed to be resting, not doing treks around the
"I know," she whispers, a tear trickling from the corner of her eye. "I'm sorry, I just needed... I had to talk to Sami."
"Samantha Gene?" He turns an accusatory glare on his daughter.
"What?" Sami demands sulkily. "I was trying to help."
"Help?" It's an angry outburst from Roman, as though all the pent up fury and frustration from the past few days finally are too much from him. "You think that outburst earlier was *helpful* to your mother?"
"We were just *talking*," Sami attempts to defend herself. "And I was... we were going back to the pub, I was trying to get her back to the pub."
"She wouldn't have been down here in the first place if she wasn't trying to find you Samantha!" Roman's exasperation gets the better of him. "Your mother shouldn't have to try and appease you every time something happens that you don't like. Tell me, when the hell are you going to grow up and realize not everything is about *you*?"
Sami glares at him angrily, tears in her eyes and then she turns her anger on Marlena. "I *told* you he wouldn't want anything to do with me."
"I don't if you're going to continue behaving like a spoilt child!"
"Roman!" Marlena's voice is sharp and cold and it cuts through the rage echoing between her husband and daughter. "Don't! For goodness sake, don't."
She looks to Sami who is shaking her head, her tear-filled eyes a world of anger and hurt. "Sami." A horrible feeling trickles down Marlena's spine as she watches her daughter's face and she reaches her hand out as though to catch Sami's panic and anger before it gets the better of her. But she is either too late or her effort is too ineffectual as her daughter turns and runs blindly up the stairs.
"Sami!" Marlena calls her daughter's name but the sound of her own voice as it follows Sami out of sight signals the weariness and defeat that she feels.
She drops her head into her hands for a moment, trying to recoup some strength and a firm footing. Then she looks up at Roman, a flash of anger sparking in her eyes.
"Well, thanks very much." She curls her fists into tight balls once again, exerting the one tiny piece of control she still feels like she has. "I was just starting to get somewhere with her and now I'm back to square one."
"Awww, c'mon Doc you can't just expect me to let that go. What she said to you in there, it was unforgivable." Despite his words, Roman looks embarrassed, to say the least.
"She said it to *me* Roman, and it was mine to deal with it. And I was getting there. I was really starting to get somewhere. She was even coming around to the idea of you being her father." Her voice cracks and she presses her lips together.
Blinking sore, gritty eyes, she looks out over the water. It's dark and bleak and it matches her current mood. She's not used to feeling like this. Feeling so angry; emotions that seem beyond her control. And she hates it, hates that she feels so lost and off-balance. Hates that she still feels so much like Grace at times.
Roman sits down beside her and gently strokes her hair with his fingertips. "I'm sorry baby," he apologizes softly. "I really am. But I won't have her talking to you that way. I just won't."
"But what she said was true, Roman. Everything she said was *true*." She looks at him, her eyes dark and haunted by misery. "I *have* lied and murdered. I've lied to her... I did hurt the man she thought was her father and I made her think I didn't. I've hurt my family and they shouldn't have to forgive the things I've done. It's too much to ask of them. It's not fair. None of this is fair on any of them."
"None of this is fair on any of us," Roman says slowly. "Least of all you Marlena. Look, we all-"
"Do you know what she said to me?" Marlena interrupts him as if she isn't even aware he has spoken. Her voice is distant and dreamy. Like she has retreated somewhere where he can barely reach her. "She said she thinks you abandoned her. That I came back and then Roman... Lamont... and we took the choice away from her. You left her to two strangers and walked away. And *I* did that. It was *me* that believed he was Roman. That convinced you to give up your family. *I* took your children away from you. I ruined your life and I ruined Sami and Eric's life. And then Grace finished the job."
She looks at him for a beat longer and then she turns away, as though seeking solace in the mist that drifts lazily in from the river. Part of her would welcome the oblivion of the river, would drown herself in the blackness if she thought she could. But that would only hurt her family more. That would be weak and cowardly. If she's anything, she's not a coward.
"Stop it. Just *stop* it, Marlena. I can't listen to this." Roman says angrily. He takes her hand in his but she pulls it away almost immediately, folding her arms around her and staring into a past that has turned out to be fabricated on a lie. "We all made our own decisions and our *own* choices. *You* didn't take my family away. We both did what we thought was right. What we thought was the best thing for Roman... *that* Roman and for the children. We were trying to do the right thing with the wrong information. If this is anybody's fault, it's Stefano's."
"I'm so *sick* of blaming Stefano for everything," Marlena says angrily. "If these were our own decisions, how is it that we always blame the bad outcomes on the DiMeras? I should be strong enough to overcome that. I should have been strong enough to fight him, to know the truth, to trust in you and instead I fell for every lie and every manipulation. I'm tired of feeling weak and foolish, Roman."
"You are *not* weak and you're not foolish." Roman shakes his head sadly. "Sweetheart, I *hate* that you would consider that for even a second. You've just been through a hell of a time Doc, and you need to heal. You were broken and that's *not* your fault. Stefano manipulated you, he helped break you, he used others to break you and you *can't* blame yourself for that. I won't let you. You'd have to be inhuman to withstand the kind of cruelty that you had to endure. And the beautiful kind, compassionate generous woman I love is so very human. That's *why* I love you. Not because you do everything right, not because you're the perfect wife and mother, but because you're vulnerable and you let me see the real you, the one that makes mistakes and hurts and *wants* to do the right thing but can't always manage it. *That's* the Marlena I love with all my heart. So don't close yourself off from me, hmmm?"
He touches his fingers to her cheek gently, a caress that is more than a touch, it's a kind of communication in and of itself. "Marlena, you've been through a hell of an ordeal and now you need to heal. So I'm sorry, Sami might be hurting and god, I love that kid to bits, I really do, but I won't let her hurt you any more. Hurting others is not the right way to heal yourself. Sami needs to learn that. And I need to take care of you. If I can't protect you, what good am I to you?"
"What good are you?" Marlena shakes her head in amazement. Then, her head cocked on an angle, her eyes soft and mesmerizing, she takes his face in her hands "Roman, you're my foundation." The weariness fades from her face as she speaks, her eyes come alive again and the gravity in her tone cuts through his defences, reaching inside of him, every word scything into his consciousness and embedding themselves in his memory. "You keep me sane. You're the first thing I think about when I wake in the morning and the last thing at night. Loving you is like breathing, I don't know how to live without doing it. I *can't* live without doing it. But honey... you can't always protect me." Her persuasiveness dissolves into a heartbreaking matter-of-factness. "Sometimes you have to let me fight my own battles. And sometimes the truth hurts, but we have to hear it anyway. We have to deal with the consequences of our actions. That's when we learn and that's what makes us better people."
"You couldn't be a better person, Doc," Roman says in a choked voice.
"Practically perfect in every way?" Marlena gives him a slow, sad smile, her eyes soft with love for him. "I don't think so, honey. Not by a long shot." She reaches her hand up and smoothes her thumb across his cheek, as though trying to smooth away the years of hurt he has endured. Her heart aches in her chest as she speaks; slow and sad and just a little desolate. "Roman, I need you to lower that pedestal a little, baby, or I'm going to really hurt when I fall off."
Roman shakes his head, his blue eyes impossibly vivid through tears that he is failing to fight back. "Never gonna fall, Doc." His voice is rough and choked with emotion as he grabs her hand. "I'm always going to be here to catch you. That's just the way it is. You're all I want. All I need."
She frowns and shakes her head, her brow furrowed and her lips pressed together, fighting all the emotion that wells up inside her in the face of his insistence. "You need your family. And you need Sami." She stops, looking down at the big hands that enfold hers. "And *she* needs you Roman. More than you'll ever know. She needs a resolution to her childhood. And she needs you to be patient with her and to give her a second chance. And a third and a fourth chance if she needs them." She bites her lips, her eyes pleading with him to believe every word as if they are her last. "Promise me that you'll keep giving her chances? She loves you so much you know, even if she doesn't know how to show it."
Roman feels heartsick, like he has lost a battle he didn't even know he was fighting. He doesn't even know what he was fighting for, but her tone is so final and so defeated, it frightens him.
"Of course I promise Doc," he attempts a smile but although his eyes crinkle at the corner, the light never touches his eyes. "But we can work at it together. All of us. We all need second chances, right?"
"Right." Marlena gives him an enigmatic smile but unusually, he can't read her, can't fathom what is going on behind those beautiful eyes. "Listen honey, I think we should be getting back to the pub, don't you? I... with any luck, Sami's gone back there and even if she hasn't, I'm sure the rest of the family will be wondering where we are by now."
"Uh.. yeah." He's thrown by her sudden switch of tack and it takes him a moment to realize that her suggestion is more than sensible. He deliberately brushes aside his unease and helps his wife to her feet. "Good idea Doc. The sooner we get back to the pub, the sooner I can get you home and tucked up in bed, hmmm?"
"Mmmm.....bed..." she smiles at him now, her eyes glittering and a wistful echo threading itself through her voice. "Sounds good to me, baby. Let's go."
*
"She *what*?" It's more of a shriek than anything else as Sami swings around and glares at her uncle.
"I said she was *shot*." Bo is tired and he's angry at Sami for her continuing obtuseness. This evening is one big mind-fuck, he knows that better than anyone. But Sami's penchant for taking her anger and confusion out on everyone else wore thin a long, long time ago. And he's lost patience with it. "DiMera shot her... well, he tried to shoot Roman but your Mom got in the way." He frowns, the skin between his eyes pinched and painful.
"And no-one thought to tell *us*?" Sami demands angrily. "Her children? No-one thought that we might want to know she was, oh, I don't know, hanging between *life* and *death*?"
"We've been through all this." Eric hunches over where he sits on the arm of the sofa and scowls at his sister. "If you hadn't acted like such an idiot and run away before, Sam, you'd have heard it all the first time."
"It wasn't Dad's choice." Belle says in a small voice from where she sits beside Caroline at the table. "You know how he gets when something happens to Mom. He can't think about anything else. If she was really..." She trails off, swallowing before she drops her gaze to the table again. Caroline slides her arm around her granddaughter's shoulders, a slightly bewilderment still shadowing her.
"This is all so..." Shawn-D is sitting, cross-legged on the floor in front of the fireplace.
"Fucked up." Eric finishes for him without even turning around. "This is completely fucking screwed up. This is ridiculous, every last bit of it. I can't get my head around it at all. Except that it's so fucking screw-ball, it has to be true. No-one would make shit like this up."
"No," Hope crosses the room to her son. "No-one would make it up. I'm sorry honey." She looks at Shawn with a regretful smile as she lowers herself to sit next to him. She ruffles his hair affectionately, and then hugs her knees to her, looking at Sami and Belle. "I'm sorry for all of you. I know this doesn't make any sense to you. But before you feel too sorry for yourselves, think what it must feel like for your parents." She raises her eyebrows and leans her head on one side. "They've lived this mad, crazy life, they've been torn away from each other and they've been cheated of so many years. They've been manipulated, they've been tortured physically and emotionally and they've had to endure things that no normal person could endure. But they've done it. They've fought every step of the way to be together and to be with all of you. The bottom line is that they love each other and they love all of you very much. They are good, loving, kind people and they deserve some happiness after this nightmare they've suffered. And" she shrugs and lifts her hand, tossing long chestnut strands of hair over her shoulder, "we've got it within our power to make this part of it easier for them. And yes, I know that we all have our reasons to doubt and be angry."
She smiles at the irony. Hers is probably one of the best reasons of all, but the truth is, the joy of it is, she couldn't care less. For the first time in a long time, she and Bo are really connecting, they're communicating about things that *really* matter and that feels amazing. And besides that, she is so happy that they got Marlena back, that she has made things right with her, that she doesn't care about what happened in the Penthouse that day. As far as she's concerned, Grace wasn't Marlena and that's the end of it.
"But let's face it, John... I mean Roman... and Marlena.... They've spent so many years trying to do what's right for everyone else... isn't it time for us to try and do what's right for them? And maybe help ourselves accept the past and the truth in the process?"
"You really think it will be that easy Hope, darlin'?" Shawn asks uncertainly. He's not sure how he feels, what he thinks. His grandsons are sure right in their eloquence. This is certainly ‘fucked up'.
"I didn't say it would be easy Shawn." One corner of Hope's mouth turns downwards. "I'm sure it won't be easy at all. But I'm talking about what's *right*. Not what's easy."
A thoughtful silence descends over the group. Sami looks around the room, her eyes resting on each member of the family in turn, trying to discern their thoughts and feelings. She knows they're all confused, but fucked up doesn't even start to come close to describing how she feels. She's not even sure how she ended up back here except that her feet seemed to move of their own accord until she found herself at the back door to the Brady house behind the pub. It's like she's caught in her mother's gravitational pull and she can't free herself.
She's starting to think maybe deep down she doesn't want to free herself.
On the way back to the pub she had replayed the conversation with her mother over and over. Not to mention the confrontation with John. And she finds it all coming back to a central question.
What if I'm wrong?
What if she's has been wrong all these years? All this time spent hating John. Trying to drive a wedge between John and her Mom. All these emotions and energy invested in wanting her parents together. And it turns out John is her dad, not Roman? What if she's wrong and she can't admit it? What if she throws away her last chance at rebuilding her life, coming to terms with her messed up childhood and moving forward? What if... what if she's wrong and she's refusing to admit it only because that makes her look really bad, like the spoilt selfish child that people have always accused her of being. What if she's wrong and John really is Roman Brady and he hates her for being such a vile bitch to him and to her mother?
She still has so much anger but now that she's admitted it to herself, she knows that there is so much more too. There's guilt and self-hatred and utter terror. There's the hurt little girl who felt so abandoned by her father and there's the teenager who had tried to rebuild a life with two strangers only to have it torn apart again by the actions of her mother. When she slept with.... her ‘real' father?
Digging her fingers into her temples, Sami throws herself onto the couch and closes her eyes.
"Do you know what this means? Belle's voice intrudes into Sami's safe, silent space and she feels her nerves tense even more. "This means we have the same dad. This means I'm not just your half-sister. We're like, totally full siblings!"
"And you know what else it means?" Sami snaps irritably as she opens her eyes and directs a baleful glare at her younger sister. "It means you and Shawn-D are totally *cousins*."
"You being cruel to be kind, Sam, or just for the sake of it?" Eric says icily as he pushes himself from his perch on the arm of the sofa and goes to his little sister.
"Oh god, I'm sorry Belle!" Sami feels like a total asshole when she opens her eyes and sees Belle's reddened face. "I didn't mean it like that."
"The hell you didn't." Eric retorts angrily. "Jesus, Sami. This isn't just about you. We're all having a hard time with this. This is a total mind-fuck for everyone, not just you. And just because you've been a bitch to John for the past seven years and treated him like something you wouldn't wipe off your shoe, doesn't mean you get special dispensation to act like even more of a bitch. That's not going to make things right. Not with Mom, not with..." he pauses, and Sami follows his gaze to the door, where Roman stands, his arm around his wife. "Dad." Eric finishes his sentence in a strangled voice, and Sami swears she can almost hear his heart hammering from her place on the sofa.
Or maybe it's her own heart that she can hear.
"Hey kid." Roman's words are barely audible they are so loaded with emotion. His eyes, pinpoints of vivid sapphire in a tanned, careworn face, sparkle; even from this distance Sami can see that he is on the verge of tears, and Marlena with him. "Can't tell you what it means to hear you say that," Roman adds before he runs the heel of his palm under each eye.
"Feels kinda weird," Eric admits as he watches his mother brush lingering moisture from Roman's face in a gesture so tender and sweet that it is almost painful to watch. "Guess I could get used it though," he admits with an awkward and almost shy smile. "If that's okay with you."
"Okay?" Roman exclaims with a throaty laugh. "Okay? Eric, it's more than okay. It's the best gift you could have given me, kid." He grins at his son and the smile is infectious, spreading from Eric to Bo and then to the older generation of Brady's.
Marlena can't help but smile with them, but her good humour is felled with Roman's next words.
"Eric, give me a hand here," he asks the young man his grin easy and flippant. "Help me get your mother to the couch."
"Sure thing," Eric starts towards the door, but irritation gets the better of Marlena and she holds up her hands and swats at him until he comes to an uncertain standstill.
"No. No, please, I'm fine," she says petulantly, hating the way she sounds even as she says the words. She's not even sure why she's so upset and frustrated, just that she suddenly feels claustrophobic again and she knows she can't let herself appear weak in front of her family. Not now. Not right now, there's too much at stake. "I told you before; I'm not an invalid, Roman. I think can make it to the couch by myself, thank you."
"Doc, I half carried you back from the pier, baby." His tone is low and concerned as he looks intently at her. "You *are* an invalid; at least, you're still recovering. Overdoing it isn't really on the agenda, you know? The doctors said-"
"I know what the doctors said, Roman," she snaps stubbornly as she faces him, swatting away his hands as he tries to slip them around her to support her again. "I am one too, remember? Or at least.... I was." She is momentarily distracted by a fleeting image of the poor boy
"Doc?" Roman sounds confused and he is doing a poor job of hiding is concern as he reaches out for her again.
That interlude is enough for her attention to shift again and she finds herself snapping at Roman once again, taking her annoyance at herself out on him. "Roman, I can take care of myself; please, don't patronize me."
Roman looks crestfallen and hurt as he takes a step back from her. "Doc, I wasn't trying to-"
"Oh Roman!" She sees the anguish and fear in his eyes and she feels it like a lance through her chest. She can't keep hurting him like this. She's hurt him so much and she just keeps on doing it. These emotions and these reactions; the Grace in her; she has no idea how to control them, how to stop reacting to the intense bursts of fear, anger and irritation she feels. Even now, Grace is still taking out her pain and anger on Roman, and Marlena simply can't bear that she's the cause of even more hurt for her beloved husband.
Her shoulders fall and she reaches out for him, laying her hands on his and curling her fingers so that her fingertips rest against his palm. "Honey I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. I *really* didn't." She inwardly curses the tears that well in her eyes and spill from her lashes. This isn't how she'd wanted this to go at all.
"I know." He half-smiles but Marlena can still see the hurt behind his eyes and she feels even more wretched. "Its okay baby," he adds, trying to reassure her.
"No, it's not," she shakes her head miserably. "None of this is okay."
"C'mon sweetheart," Roman entreats her, with a gentle kiss to her forehead. "It's been a long, hard day. You're just tired. Why don't we say goodnight to the family and kids and head home, hmmm?"
Taking a deep breath, Marlena closes her eyes and presses her lips together. Her chin trembles for a moment and her hands tighten on Roman's. Then her face stills and she opens her eyes; a clear, strange light burning in them. Leaning upwards, she presses a long, tender kiss to his lips. Her tears are wet on his cheeks as she moves back just enough so that she can hold his gaze, so that she can lose herself momentarily in those pools of never-ending blue.
"You know how much I love you, don't you?" she whispers earnestly. "I'd give my *life* to make you happy; you know that, don't you?"
"Of course I do, baby." The skin between those beautiful azure eyes deepens into familiar furrows that bespeak his concern. "You know I do."
"Don't ever forget it," she releases his hand and reaches up to smooth the hair from his temple back over his ear. "Please, don't ever forget how much I love you."
Before he can reply, she pulls her remaining hand from his and turns to face her family. She takes several steps into the room and then stops.
"Thank you for listening to me earlier," she says in a firm clear voice. "It... I told you I needed to explain. So you could understand. I also needed to.... You needed to know about Roman. He deserves *so* much, there's so much time that he can never get back, but you can make a new future now with him and he deserves that. And so do you." She looks at Sami now, her expression softening. "Remember what we talked about Sami. I know this is going to take time for you, but I trust you. I have faith in you. That you'll do what is right, for you. And for your father."
Sami's brow is furrowing now and she looks so like her father it's almost heartbreaking to think how they've blinded themselves to the obvious for all these years.
"The thing is," Marlena continues, moving further into the Brady's living area, this home where she's spent so many wonderful years as part of this loving, connected family. "I realized something before, when I was talking to Sami down on the pier." She looks at Sami with a sad, regret-filled smile. "I told her that we all have to take responsibility for our actions. And how can I tell my daughter one thing and then do the complete opposite? What kind of a person does that make me?"
"Doc?!" Roman sounds panicked behind her but she simply puts out her hand and shakes her head.
"No, Roman. I *have* to do this."
"*No.* You *don't*." Roman retorts in a low, desperate growl.
"Sami was right you see." There is an almost imperceptible break in Marlena's voice as she feels Roman's presence at her back, but she recovers her composure quickly and continues with her address. "I *am* a liar. I told you I didn't hurt your father." She directs this at Sami and she hopes to God that her beautiful young daughter can't sense how hard her heart is beating or how clammy her palms are. Weakness at this point will be her undoing. "Well, I was being disingenuous." Her voice rings cold and brittle in the silent room. "I didn't hurt your father, but I *did* hurt *that* Roman. I hurt Lamont. I *murdered* Robert Lamont."