"Hang on a minute John," Eric holds out his hand, stopping Roman in his tracks. "Back up a little bit. You said DiMera..." he pauses here, clearly too distressed to be able to repeat Roman word for word. "You said... to make her into what he wanted. What the hell does that mean?"
There is an uncomfortable silence as Roman fails to present an immediate answer to the question. Marlena feels ill as she watches the faces of her children, their confusion and their fear in the face of such an unknown. She'd known this was going to be hard; that was a given. But it's even harder than she had imagined. Every second seems interminable, every flinch like a knife through her conscience.
"He means that he wanted someone to do his dirty work," Bo steps in to break the uncomfortable silence and relieve the pressure on Roman and Marlena. "Stefano deals in information. You all know that for Stefano, knowledge is power; and there are ways that a woman can get information out of a man...." He shrugs, leaving the rest to their imagination. "So he used Grace and Princess Gina to get that information. Among other things."
"How?" Sami demands, wild-eyed, her expression demanding of Marlena things that she is not sure she can give. Not honestly, not without destroying herself in her children's eyes. "What did you do for him? What can a woman-" she stops short, her face coloring as she realizes what she is asking. "Mom, you *slept* with them? You *whored* yourself out for Stefano DiMera?"
The disgust on her daughter's face cuts Marlena to the core. She knows how Sami feels; it's only a reflection of how she feels about herself. About the things she has done. And if Sami can't forgive her for this, how is she going to forgive her for the *truly* despicable things she has done?
A dark despair seeps through her as she searches for an answer to Sami's scathing questions. To admit to being essentially no better than a prostitute; to seducing men for their secrets. And so much worse.... What kind of a woman is she? What depths has she sunk to?
A touch on her shoulder rouses her from her anguish
And it brings her a glimmer of comfort. Without him, she'd be truly lost; she knows that without a doubt. When she feels like she's drowning, like she's about to submerge beneath the desolation forever, all she has to do is look at him or feel his touch and it's as though she's been thrown a lifeline.
"Your *mother* did nothing of the sort, Samantha." Roman is clearly very angry with Sami and it pains Marlena to hear the distress in both their voices. This should be a joyous day for all of them and instead once again, all she has brought them is pain and misery.
"Oh yeah, that's right, it was *Grace*," Sami says sarcastically, flinging her head around to catch individual eyes in the assembled group. "Convenient, isn't it? That she doesn't have to take responsibility for the things she's done? As usual, Marlena Evans Black picks up a get out of jail free card to excuse her heinous actions." She turns her attention to Marlena again and she feels the full force of Sami's rage directed right at her. "So, exactly what else did you do for him, mother dearest? For this man who ‘so-called' tortured and abused you? What exactly did you do, how far did you go?"
Marlena feels as though she is drenched in a chill sweat as she faces her outraged daughter, and she intrinsically knows that this night is make or break for Sami. The truth is that the things that Marlena did as Grace are inexcusable and are a completely justifiable reason for Sami to turn her back on Marlena forever.
"The truth is - I did terrible things, Samantha." Her voice trembles, on the verge of breaking as she faces her daughter, unflinchingly. "Things I am deeply ashamed of. Things that I can never go back and undo, no matter how much I might wish to."
"Did you..." Sami's voice has dropped to a whisper as the question that has been torturing her, burning a hole in her skull, forces itself out from between parched lips. "People have been saying... that you left..." She swallows, her throat dry and sticky with the horror of what she is asking. "Did you have... anything to do with what happened to Daddy?"
There is an audible gasp in the room and Marlena finds herself looking up at Shawn and Caroline almost without volition. This is the question that she has been dreading. The question that she is not sure if she can answer. The white lie she is not sure she can tell. And yet, she must, if she is to preserve her children's innocence. If she is not to destroy her family completely.
"No Sami," she says in a strong clear voice that belies her churning stomach. "I didn't. I didn't... hurt your father. Not like that." It's not a lie after all. Not even a white lie. At least, not strictly speaking. And yet, she feels like a liar; another shame to add to her list.
"How can you even *ask* that?" Belle turns a furious, pale and tear-streaked face on her sister. "How could you think that Mom would *ever* hurt Roman? That she could hurt *anyone*?"
"Oh, get real Belle," Sami snaps defensively, her eyes flashing with guilt and rage. "Don't be so naïve. She's just *told* us that she did. You really think Stefano DiMera just prostituted her out without extracting his pound of flesh? And for God's sake, my mother hurts people like it's a hobby of hers."
"Samantha, that is *ENOUGH*!" Roman explodes; standing and throwing his chair aside in one movement before he takes a step towards his erstwhile daughter. "Your mother has been to *hell* and back-"
"No, my mother has put *us* all through hell!" Sami cries, tears filling her eyes.
"Oh, give it a break Sam!" Eric says harshly. "For once, this isn't about you. For God's sake, just let Mom and John tell us what *happened*. You can throw your tantrum later when the rest of us at least know what's been going on!"
"I don't want to know what happened!" Sami chokes out the words through hysterical tears. "It doesn't change anything. My dad is still dead and nothing has changed. I don't want to know. I just don't want to know!"
"Well, I do, so just shut the hell up!" Eric orders her with a ferocity that stops everything dead for a moment.
"Stop it!" Marlena breaks the shocked silence, fighting back her own tears. "Please, just stop it, all of you. I know that this might not change anything for you, Sami. For any of you. I hurt you all and I don't expect you to forgive me. How can I after the things I have done? But please, just hear me out until the end. *Please*."
"Marlena, they don't need to forgive you," Hope says, passionately. "It wasn't *you* that did those things."
"Oh Hope," Marlena tries to smile, the tears glistening in her eyes and spilling over her lower lashes as she speaks. "Thank you so much. Honestly, thank you, you don't know how much it means to me. But, the truth is," her lower lip trembles for a moment and then she steels herself, her palms flat on her knees. "It *was* me that did those things." She looks down at her fingers which are shaking. Curling them into her palm, she takes a deep breath and looks up at Hope again. "Sami is right; Grace is a part of me, however despicable she was. And I have to live with that. I have to work out how to live with myself, and I can't expect anyone else to do that if I can't, can I?"
Roman has moved back from the confrontation with Sami and is now standing beside the sofa. He puts his hand on her shoulder, his fingers tight against cotton and bare skin and she knows he's having a hard time controlling himself. She knows he wants to shout at them all and tell them to stop being so hard on her but she wills him to keep his temper in check for the moment.
They'd had this conversation outside the pub; he knows she has to walk this road in her own way at her own speed and she has to fight her own battles. She just prays he keeps that in mind. His family needs him just as much as she does and the last thing she wants him to do is alienate himself from them before they even have a chance to learn the truth.
"Marlena, you had no conscious knowledge of what Grace was doing when she was doing it. You had no way of stopping her." Hope sounds half-way triumphant as it breaks in over the top of Marlena's musings. "So how can we hold you responsible, knowing you couldn't have stopped them?"
"Because something inside me is clearly capable of those things, Hope." Marlena's voice is clear and strong now. A sense of peace has descended over her again and she feels freed by the knowledge that her family will make their own choices. Choices based on the truth, not on lies and whitewashes. If they love her, they have to love her for everything that she is, the good and the awful. This is the choice before them. She has to learn to live with herself and she can do that. She knows that now. But her family has to make the same journey in their own time. It's not a journey she can make them take. It's entirely up to them. "I can't say I like it, but it's the truth. Something inside me, some grain of who I am can be hard and cruel and enjoyed inflicting pain. And I'm sorry," she casts her eyes around the room, meeting the shocked stares of her family. "I'm so, *so* very sorry that you all had to find that out the way you did. I wish it had stayed hidden and forgotten, but it didn't. And now you all have to make your choice."
"What choice Mommy?" Belle whimpers like a frightened child and Marlena turns to her, her heart aching for her youngest child. Of all of them, Belle should not have to deal with this. Should not have to hear the things she's hearing.
"Oh Belle, baby girl..." Marlena sighs. She knows Belle will never turn her back on her, just like Roman won't. She'll never be able to believe the worst of her mother; her sweet innocence won't let her entertain such notions. At least, not unless she is forced to. It breaks Marlena's heart that she has to hear any of this.
"She means we need to make a choice," Eric says, staring at Marlena as though he's seeing her for the first time; like she's a stranger who has walked into the room and has suddenly announced that she is his long lost mother. "About whether we accept what she's saying. About who she is, that she can be Mom *and* Grace and that she's not taking the ‘get out of jail free' card, as Sam so charmingly put it."
The room falls silent as he stares at Marlena. She swears she can feel him looking inside her soul, pulling her to pieces and examining each little sliver of raw brokenness sheltering inside her wounded body. "So....," he sighs in frustration. "Look Mom, I'm sorry if I don't get this. I'm sorry that I have to ask this, but I really need to know... to understand..." His eyes flick to Roman and he swallows nervously but he forges ahead anyway. "I don't understand how you could get to that point. How... *why*...." He shakes his head. "My understanding is that John had Dad's memories somehow imprinted in his head. As did Hope with Princess Gina. But you.... this... Grace wasn't like that?"
"No." Marlena shakes her head pensively and chews on her lower lip for a moment. "No, she was just the part of me that was left when the rest of me was gone."
"After *what*?" Eric pushes harder. "What the hell did he do to you that made you... shut down like that? I'm sorry Mom, I just don't get it. You're an amazing woman, you always have been. You're so strong and you're warm and compassionate and caring about everyone around you. So much love... and you're asking me to believe that you just transformed into this...." he shakes his head bewilderedly, "... this *monster* of a woman because... why? Because John didn't come and find you? Because Stefano told you lies? I know there has to be more to it than that and I just... I need to know what it is so I can put all the pieces together in my own head."
Marlena is silent for a long moment and she realizes she is gritting her teeth together, clenching the muscles in her jaw, much the same as Roman is doing beside her as they both try and walk this tightrope. She can feel Roman's hand tight on her shoulder and she curls her hands more tightly into whitened fists to try and quell the panic she feels. She desperately wants not to remember this part of it. She wants to pretend it never happened, that she never suffered like that. And she definitely doesn't want to talk about it, to spell out her agony in front of her friends. In front of her children.....
"What Stefano did to your mother was unbelievably cruel." Hope says quietly, clearly seeing Marlena's distress. "He may as well have tortured her, although that would never have been as effective. Just trust me...." She looks Marlena directly in the eye and Marlena knows that she understands the utter desolation Marlena had felt in those horrific moments and days following Orpheus' attack. "No-one could have gone through that and not been irreparably broken inside."
"But what "*was* it?" Eric demands, pained in his confusion. "I keep wondering if maybe Stefano..." he pauses and swallows, brushing his fingers uncomfortably through his hair. "But if he.... touched... if he did that to you... why would you trust him? Why would you do things for him? It doesn't make sense."
Marlena presses her fingers over her mouth to keep from crying out. Eric is so close to the truth that she can no longer pretend it's easier for them not to know. It's obvious that this is going to torture him and maybe the things that his imagination can conjure would be more painful than the truth.
"It wasn't Stefano." She almost surprises herself more with her words than she does anyone else. She feels Roman's hand lift and his arm slide around her shoulder. Gratefully, she moves along the sofa and allows him room to sit down. This bit she can't do alone. She needs his strength to lend to her own.
"You don't need to do this, Doc," he murmurs as he strokes her arm comfortingly.
"Well, clearly, I do," she replies, a little too brightly, her voice sharp and brittle. She holds her son's challenging gaze for a moment and then turns to Belle. "Isabella, sweetheart; I don't know that I want you hearing this."
"I want to stay, Mom." Belle says quietly. "I want to know what happened to you." She pauses, her face set in an expression of stubbornness that reminds Marlena of both Sami and Roman. Then she looks at her brother and takes a step towards him. "I want to understand too."
Eric gives her a sympathetic smile and holds his hand out. Belle reaches towards him and slips hers into it. She moves to stand at his side and then faces her parents again.
"It's not very nice, Izzy," Roman says gently. "I think it would be better if you and Sami-"
"Oh no." Sami shakes her head; that same implacably stubborn expression pasted across her beautiful face. "I'm not going anywhere. No way."
"I thought you didn't want to know any more Sam?" Eric fails to keep the sarcasm from seeping into his voice.
"Shut up, Eric!" Sami hisses furiously. And then at Roman; "You can't make me go!"
"I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do, Samantha," he replies evenly. "But in return, I will ask that you please let your mother say what she needs to say. Without interruption," he adds pointedly. "This is hard enough for her as it is."
Sami purses her lips angrily but says nothing that indicates she refuses to comply with Roman's request.
"Right," Eric says softly. "So, Mom. The girls are staying."
Marlena nods, steeling herself to pick through these new and painful memories. She hasn't even talked about this with Roman yet and of everyone, she dreads his reaction the most.
"Okay. Well..." she bites on her lower lip, her brow gathering into furrows. "R-" She stops and checks herself. "*John* told you... I didn't remember anything much at all. Just snatches of memories; faces and names and very little else. And it took an awfully long time for my body to heal. I had head injuries that caused the amnesia and I was lost and terrified and felt like I had utterly no control over my life. Stefano invested a lot of time making me feel safe and comfortable and convincing me that I could trust him. Of course, now that I look back on it all, I can see how he continued to cultivate those negative feelings and fears I had even while appearing to provide me with all the comfort and safety I craved." She shakes her head, disgusted with herself. "I could ask myself a thousand times over why on earth or even *how* could I have trusted him, but he... well, we all know that he is clever. He knew exactly the right things to do and say. He knew my weaknesses and he played on them masterfully." She shakes her head again and takes a moment to brush her hair back, tucking it nervously behind her ear before she continues.
"I was terrified when I awoke. All I could remember was the feeling of being dragged under the waves, of almost drowning. And I didn't understand why my husband wasn't coming to find me. Stefano even suggested that maybe Roman had engineered the accident somehow. And for a while, I thought maybe he could have." She turns to Roman, her guilt and shame written all over her face.
"Its okay baby," he tells her with a gentle rub of her arm before he presses a kiss to her cheek. "I understand. You didn't know. How could you?"
"I should have known," she whispers, tears in her eyes. "In *here*," she presses her hand to her chest. "I should have known and *trusted* you."
"How could you when I didn't come to find you?" Roman shakes his head. "C'mon," he drops his voice so it is low and soft enough that only she can hear it and it sends shivers through her. "Be strong now. No more guilt. You can do it. I have so much faith in you."
She can't help but smile at him. He is so, *so* good to her. She's so damn lucky; she'll never spend a day where she's not grateful to have him by her side.
She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, to steady herself. Staring at the mantelpiece behind Sami, she continues, trying to keep her voice as steady and unemotional as she can. This will be much easier to tell if she has no kind of emotional connection to it, either in reliving the memories or in the reaction of others to them. Unwaveringly, she tells them of the letters that Stefano had shown her, the pictures and videos of Roman and the children. Of the fear and confusion she felt; and the anger hardening day by day as she remained trapped and dependent on Stefano's good will.
Then she tells them of Lamont's attack; how he had at first tried to seduce her and when she had rebuffed him how he had snarled at her and half-torn her dress from her body before Stefano's fortuitous reappearance had put a stop to the nightmarish scenario.
"Stefano said that he could take care of Lamont," Marlena gives a visible shudder and the emotion seems to ripple through everyone gathered in the room. "That I just had to say the word. Just had to say I wanted him dead and it would be done. But even then I didn't want revenge, I just wanted to feel safe and in control of my life. Everything had been so out of control, just even..." she feels Roman's arms tighten around her and she can't help but look up at him. "Not knowing who you are. I felt completely out of control. I felt terrified and scared and angry and I floundered around trying to find something to hold onto."
"I know..." Roman smiles sadly and gives her a gentle kiss. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that baby. I really am."
Marlena can't manage a smile in return so instead, she weaves her fingers in between his where they are resting against her arm. "Anyway," her voice is a little harder now, and a little more flat and emotionless. "I guess that still wasn't enough for Stefano. He wanted more from Grace than that. So, he introduced me to the man who had caused all this misery in the first place. Orpheus."
A small murmur shimmers through the group and Caroline speaks up.
"But I thought John had killed Orpheus?"
"So did I, Caroline." Roman shrugs, his nonchalance belying his anger and pain at the knowledge that this mistake has caused so much agony for Marlena and his family. "Apparently I didn't kill him dead *enough*."
Marlena ignores the interchange between Roman and Caroline. She's determined to get this over and done with and a divergence on the matter of Orpheus' temporary resurrection from the dead isn't going to aid that end. "During the time on the
Untangling her hand from Roman's, she brushes it over her mouth. It feels so dry that her tongue suddenly feels as though it is welded to the top of her mouth. And if she closes her eyes, she can see Orpheus' malevolent black eyes boring into her and his hot breath ragged against her skin. She feels hot and cold and clammy and she feels sick to her stomach as the rush of images comes in waves of increasing hideousness.
"You okay sweetheart?" Roman is immediately brushing the hair from her damp forehead. "You're terribly pale." Unable to trust herself to speak for the moment, Marlena simply nods. "Caroline, can we have a glass of water?" Roman asks urgently. Caroline nods and bustles quickly into the kitchen. The glass of water makes its way back to the sofa via Shawn and Bo and Marlena takes it gratefully, but taking a deep gulp of it, she can't help but wish it was something stronger.
She puts the glass on the table in front of her and takes a deep breath, blowing it out between pursed lips. "Well, I suppose I don't need to spell the rest of it out," she grimaces as she stares intently at the glass. "I knew I was in trouble when I saw him in the doorway of my bedroom. Stupidly, I never even thought to wonder how it was that he'd come to be in that part of the compound. I don't think I really had time or even wanted to wonder." She sighs and looks up at Eric. Sami has crept to his side now and the three siblings stand in a huddle, the twins with one arm around each other and the other around their baby sister who stands in front of them.
The three of them wear nearly identical pained and horrified expressions and that is almost Marlena's undoing. She presses her lips together, struggling with her emotions, feeling some of the bleakness that smothered her in those terrible days that followed the attack and the aftermath.
"I don't remember much about it, even now," she says in a low, choked voice. "I've tried very hard to not remember. Afterwards, I had a broken cheekbone and wrist and a dislocated shoulder so I guess I fought him," her shoulders lift slightly in a disconsolate shrug and Roman's fingers tighten on her arm. "But he'd locked the door and there's only so much you can fight. I was still recovering from the crash so I wasn't strong anyway...." She trails off, dropping her eyes to the table in front of her again. In a sudden movement, she lifts her fingers and presses her thumb and forefinger to her eyes.
Part of her is waiting for something; in truth, she is waiting for Sami to retort, to tell her she's lying, to deny that this could have happened to her mother; or that it should have made a difference. But there is nothing, no denials or retorts; there is just stunned silence from her children and everyone else.
"Anyway, it happened. And afterwards I just felt numb. Like the only way to stop the pain was to just retreat somewhere. To a place nothing could touch me." Her hands feel cold and clammy and she rubs her palms against the long linen skirt that falls in loose, graceful folds across her legs. "And I might have gotten through it, might have been able to recover from it, but that Stefano quietly had his doctors run some tests. When the pregnancy test came back positive, I just cracked. My life was already in ruins and then I found out I was carrying Orpheus' child." Her voice is choked again, and her face ashen as she looks past Shawn and Caroline into a past too painful to remember.
"I couldn't even bear to look at my own body," she lifts her hand to flick away unwelcome tears and her voice cracks uncontrollably. "I felt like something disgusting was growing inside it. A parasite. And a reminder of everything I had lost and everything that had happened to me. So, Stefano convinced me that the only thing to do was to terminate the pregnancy." Her jaw sets in a tense line and her hands curl into tight balls in front of her. "And I let them do it. It was only afterwards that I realized that I hadn't...." Her vision grows blurred and she presses her eyes closed, but it is too late to stop the tears that spill from her lashes and roll down her pale cheeks. "I didn't know..." she whispers "I just let them do it and I tried not to think about it. I'm still trying not to think about it."
Behind her, Marlena hears Bo's sharp exclamation of "Holy shit!" and it magnifies the anguish and guilt she is feeling. She shouldn't have done this; she should have talked to Roman about this first. This is so unfair to him but she hadn‘t even thought about it, hadn't really remembered or realized until it had all come spilling out of her just now.
She turns to Roman her eyes huge and luminously golden, full of suffering and guilt. "I'm so sorry. I should have told you this before now. But I've been trying to push it to the back of my mind. I've been trying so hard not to think about any of it, not to remember the way it felt.... That was the worst time of my life; that... I was in so much pain and that was what brought Grace forth. I just... I couldn't bring myself to..."
"Shhhh," Roman almost manages to cover his own shock and distress but she can see it there, simmering beneath the surface and it elicits a broken sob from her.
"I'm *so* sorry, Roman," her words are muffled between her sobs as she looks down to where his hand is now gently stroking her thigh. "It might have been your baby and I didn't even think... and now I'll never know. I'm *so* sorry...."