"Is it really important?" Roman asks gently. "She's gone now baby. She doesn't have the power to hurt anyone any more."
"It's important to me," she clutches at the cover, her knuckles white. "Please Roman, you asked me to be honest with you. I need you to help me. To help me understand how I got here. Maybe if I understand *her*, I'll be able to understand what happened to me."
"You really think so? Or is it just another way to punish yourself, Doc?" Roman strokes her hair.
"I don't know!" she cries her anguish as she looks up at him. Her amber eyes are dark with misery. "I don't know, Roman. But I..... when I close my eyes, I see you through hers. What she did to you.... it was unforgivable."
"Nothing to forgive," Roman tells her, but his voice is a little too rough and she can almost feel the spike of pain that shoots through him as he thinks of Grace and her punishments. She feels his pain inside hers, a sharp stinging ache that spreads through her chest and makes her shake.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."
"Doc, don't!" His voice cracks like a whip and he sees her recoil at the harshness in his tone. He moans noiselessly and he pulls her into his arms. Her only reply is a whimper, drawn from her, both by the pain in her abdomen and by the emotion that floods her. And yet, she melds into the shape of his embrace and breathes him in desperately. "Baby, please don't do this," he trembles as he buries his face in her hair. "She's gone. It's over."
"It's not over," Marlena says dully, her voice muffled against his shirt. "Roman, it'll never be over as long as the things she did haunt us." She presses against him, leaning back until she can see his eyes and hold his gaze with her own. He flinches and she sees the unspoken fear that has gripped him. She takes a deep breath. "Honey, if we pretend they never happened; they'll only grow bigger. Those things, those memories will be a silent elephant in the corner of the room until we are smothered by the silence. By the truth of what Stefano forced us to become."
Roman is silent as he holds her, digesting the import of her words, trying to understand what she is saying.
He knows she's right. Ignoring the obvious only serves to bring it into sharper focus. She will wonder and dwell and flagellate herself with underserved guilt. And meanwhile, he will wake in the middle of the night with cold sweats. He will relive again and again the snap of metal around his wrists in a lonely hotel room. And he will hear over and over, the cold brilliance of her laughter in a deserted shack in the middle of a sweltering Tennessee summer. And in the end, they will drown in the inescapable memories.
But he's frightened. Of saying the wrong thing. Of hurting her again. Of reliving the hell of those months where he thought he might never hear the warmth of her voice again and feel the touch of her mouth on his.
He swallows. "Doc... Doc..." the words stick in his throat, the gummy parched feeling of trying to talk through his fear almost choking him. "I just... I don't know if I can..."
Marlena pulls away from him. "It's all right, Roman," she tells him gently. "I'm not going to break. Don't be afraid of hurting me. I'm tougher than you think."
He raises his eyebrows, his eyes so gentle and concerned that it brings tears to hers. "Are you?" he asks, reaching up to touch her face with shaking fingers. "Do you realize how close I came to losing you? Do you have any idea how precious you are to me?"
She holds his eyes for a moment and then inclines her head, the hot tears spilling over her cheeks. "I know," she whispers. "I'm sorry."
"I don't want you to be sorry, baby," his fingers find her chin and gently he lifts her head. Her eyes are luminous; sorrow drenched with a golden intensity that takes his breath away. "I just... I want to do the right thing. I just need to be sure what the right thing is first, okay?"
"Please trust me, John," she says and then her eyes widen and she catches her lower lip between her teeth. They look at each other for a moment and then a slow smile breaks across his face. An answering smile trembles on her lips for a moment and then she lifts her hand to his face. "I love you," she whispers. "Oh, how I love you."
"I love you too baby," he buries his fingers in her hair and bends his head to hers. Their kiss is long and sweet, a gentle surrender to each other and to the entity that is them, forever entwined beyond physical and rational knowledge.
She sighs gently as he leans her back against the pillow and she catches his oversized hand in between her delicate fingers. "Please talk to me Roman," she pleads with him. "Let's just start and if it gets too much for either of us, then we can stop." She seeks out the impossible blue of his eyes with her own. "Please. I can't even begin to think about anything else until I can put this to rest."
Roman sighs and a tiny smile plays around her lips as she realizes he's about to capitulate.
"What do you want to know?" he asks, clearly quelling his misgivings as he weaves his fingers in between hers.
"I..." She's lost for words for a moment. What does she want to know? What is the answer she is seeking from all this? What sense does she hope to make from the past few months, or the past fifteen years of her life? "I don't really know exactly." It's a careful reply. She might not know what she's looking for, but she's spent her life asking the right questions, eliciting answers that only become clear once the questions have been asked. She'll know what she's looking for when she gets there.
"What was she like?" She studies him carefully as she lays the words before him. "Grace." She says the name like it is a foreign word, a word which has no meaning and yet contains a world of dangerous possibilities. "I suppose I want to know what you thought of her? How was she different from me? And did you like her?"
"Woah, woah!" Roman holds up his hands in what is meant to be a gesture of easy humor. But Marlena knows him too well and sees the unease and even the fear behind the motion. "One thing at a time, okay?"
"Oookay..." she swallows and carefully thinks about how to rephrase the questions swirling around in her head. "Well, I think I really...." she stops and blinks. "What did you think of her, Roman?"
"I...." he squeezes her hand in response, his mind racing ahead, trying to find the right verbal path through this minefield he finds himself in. "Well, she... she was quite a woman." He gives a little shrug and a rueful smile.
Marlena looks at him for a moment and then draws back ever so slightly as though trying to maintain him in her field of vision. "How do you mean, 'quite a woman'?"
"Honestly Doc," a nervous laugh erupts from his throat before he can stop it, "I'm not sure what I mean. I don't know even how to start to describe her."
"Well, try Roman." She is starting to sound irritable now and Roman gets a brief flash of Grace standing in the penthouse, all silk and steely calm.
"She was... well, there were elements of you in there, obviously. She was strong and as sexy as hell just like you." He grins at her, trying to lighten the moment but fails miserably as she just stares back at him. There is a uncomfortable silence and he stares at their intertwined fingers for a long moment but she offers him no respite, just waits for him to continue.
"This isn't easy for me Doc," he says finally. "Please, I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to say the wrong thing."
"Just tell me the truth, Roman," she says softly, finally reaching out to stroke his cheek with the side of her thumb. "How can the truth be wrong?"
"Because she was all wrong!" he cries in anguish. "She looked like you but all she cared about was herself and what she wanted. She didn't care who she hurt on the way, in fact she seemed to take pleasure in hurting people." Marlena flinches in reaction to his words and he breaks off for a moment, upset with himself and with her. "Is this what you want to hear, Doc? Is this really going to help you? Or us?"
Marlena swallows, tears swimming in her eyes as she looks away from him, trying to gather her composure. "Don't make me do this, Marlena," he begs her in a low voice. "Don't make me relive that."
"Was she really that bad?" Marlena asks, the tremor in her voice quite audible. "That you can't even bear to think about her? Was I really that awful?"
"Doc, it wasn't you!" he growls his frustration and pulls his hand from hers, lifting it to his head and jamming his fingers through thick, graying hair. Pushing himself from the bed, he spins away from her and paces across the room, his agitation echoing every step.
"And yet you thought it was me for how long?" Marlena fights back, her voice thick with tears. "Weeks? Or was it months?"
"Doc!" He just stares at her, his mouth open for a moment, his face paling. "You..... you can't really mean that!" She's silent; her hazel eyes wide and haunted as she stares back at him. "You... she wouldn't let me get close enough that I could know.... I knew something was going on... something was wrong." He stops for a moment and then he crosses the room to her side in what seems like a single step. Dropping to his haunches by the side of her bed, he looks up at her, his eyes a searing blue. "Baby, I'm sorry. I couldn't be more sorry that I didn't realize sooner what was wrong. I just didn't want to believe it, I just was so heartbroken when I thought I'd lost you, I couldn't think straight."
"Oh Roman," she whispers, "I'm sorry; I didn't really mean that, you know I didn't. I'm just... I'm trying to make sense of it all. I feel like there's a tornado in my head whipping all of the pieces and the memories around until I feel sick with the " She drops her head and lifts a hand to wipe the tears that fall. "I'm so sorry I hurt you like that. What I... she did at the Salem Inn... leaving you there... that was unforgivable." She edges her eyes up, dreading the expression she will find staring back at her. What she finds is even worse than her expectations. He looks so sad, and for a fleeting moment, so broken, that she can hardly bear it. "Oh Roman," is all she can say in reply.
He holds her eyes for a long moment and then as though he has made a decision, he shakes his head gently. "Listen," he climbs up and sits on the bed beside her, taking her hand. "I told you that Grace was quite a woman. Well it's true. She was tough, feisty and she had a hell of a sharp tongue on her," he grins, trying to ease the tension between them. "But her bravado was just that. Bravado. She had this façade of not caring and she tried to make out she didn't care about anything or anyone. I think she spent a lot of time trying to convince herself she didn't care about anything. Well, anything except revenge." He looks down at her fingers and rubs his thumb over the back of them in a soothing gesture. "She made it obvious pretty quickly that was her goal. She wanted to hurt me, break me. That was her game, to take revenge and then to move on.... with Stefano."
"Joh-" Marlena catches herself but Roman holds up his hand and shakes his head. If he stops now, he's liable to let the nerves catch up with him and he realizes now why she needs this. Maybe he needs to put it into words too. Maybe that's the only way to vanquish the demons unleashed by Grace and by DiMera.
"No, let me finish Doc, please. You wanted to know this, so let me tell the story, okay?"
"Okay," she whispers but her hand clutches at his arm and he feels the fear radiate from her in waves.
"Grace was supposed to protect you, but inside I think she held all your pain and anger and she used it as a shield and as a weapon. She tried to pretend to the world and I guess to herself, that nothing could hurt her, or even get to her. But she was kidding herself." His mouth curls into a sad, rueful smile. His eyes hold hers, warm and familiar and she feels comforted, despite the churning of her stomach. "There was enough of you in her that she couldn't escape the truth. That truth that you and I will always be drawn to each other. Come what may Doc, it's me and you. For eternity. That's the way it's always gonna *be*." His expression matches the intensity of his voice, and Marlena trembles as though his words have a physical impact on her.
"But see, there were times that she reminded me of nothing more than a frightened child, holding desperately to the anger that gave her a reason to exist. And I think part of me loved part of her because she was part of you." He squeezes her hand, knowing as he says the words that they are true. Part of him had loved that fractured, desperate woman, had wanted to soothe all her pain away. Part of him had hated her too and that was the hardest part to come to terms with, maybe for both of them.
"Sounds like you had her all worked out," Marlena says softly. Roman hears a hint of steel and maybe sarcasm in her voice and he smiles despite himself. Maybe there is a hint of Grace living in Marlena too. Maybe that's something that he'll have to learn to deal with, the fusion of Grace into his beloved Marlena, reimbuing her with a strength and feistiness that have been so long subdued.
"I didn't have a choice," he shrugs. "The night she left me cuffed to that bed and I realized what had happened, I knew I had to work *her* out before I could ever get close enough to reach *you*."
"Was it bad?" she asks apprehensively. "You... being left there, I mean."
Roman swallows, wondering how much to tell her. Her face is pale and her hand is still clutching at his, but her eyes meet his without flinching and she looks resolute. "Yeah," he nods, "It was pretty bad. Brought back a lot of demons, y'know?" He bites his lip and looks away. "For a while there, all I could see was the hell of that dungeon in Maison Blanche, the hopelessness and the helplessness. Knowing that every moment I lay there in that fucking *hell-hole*, I was a moment closer to losing you forever. Knowing that Stefano could have done anything to you and I was powerless to stop it because every moment I was losing more and more of myself to the blackness. It almost drove me insane then and this time..." he stops, his lip curling in disgust as he strokes his eyebrow absently. Then he swallows and looks back at her. "I realized I was willing to do *anything* to get you back. That *nothing* mattered to me but you and that without you I was as lost and as adrift as I'd ever been. I may as well have been the mercenary, been DiMera's man through and through, because without you, I was lost. I was *nothing*." He stops and squares his shoulders. "No, that's wrong. Without you I *am* nothing. You need to know that, Doc."
"No, Roman," she cries, "that's not true. You know that's not true. You have your family, you have the children...."
"And I love them all, Marlena. Of course I do. But what use am I to them when I'm so broken without you that I can't even function?" he pleads, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "All I could think about was protecting you. There was evidence to link you to the scene of Roman's murder and Doc, I *destroyed* it." He shakes his head, almost disbelieving of what he knows so well is true. "I stole it from the lab and I went out by the lake and burnt it and I didn't give a shit because all I knew was that I needed to get you back and I couldn't do that if she was locked up in a prison cell where I couldn't get to her. Or you."
Marlena doesn't say anything in return. She can't, she's struck silent in the face of his remembered despair, in awe of his desperation and the lengths he would go to in order to save her. She had known, she had remembered his relentlessness, even in the face of Grace's anger and hatred. He had never given up on her, even when he had weakened, when the mercenary had taken over, he had still been there, waiting for the opportunity to finally reach her.
"I'm sorry," she says eventually, her voice husky and strained. Her throat is sore with the effort of holding back the tears but she refuses to break down. Roman needs her to be strong, they are both going to need so much strength and courage to make it through this. She has to be strong for him as he must be strong for her. "Roman, I'm so sorry I... she left you there. I'm so sorry for everything she did to you. I can remember...." she stumbles over the words briefly and bites her lip nervously. Roman opens his mouth to soothe her, but she holds up her hand, shaking her head. And then with a deep breath, "I remember her feelings, the anger and the hatred. It was so.... it feels like a dream, you know? A nightmare. That I could have those kinds of feelings for *you*."
"You were manipulated Doc," Roman tells her gently.
"I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that those memories are in my head. That in some way I lived through that with you and with her and that she did those things to you. That she *hurt* you so much. And I'm just.... I'm so sorry Roman."
"Maybe I deserved it," he shrugs noncommittally.
"No!" she looks horrified. "Roman, you didn't deserve that, you didn't!"
"Hang on a minute Doc," he looks down at her hands in his and he squeezes her fingers gently. "Maybe I did. Maybe Grace had good cause to be angry with me. Maybe you did too, for that matter." He sighs and looks up at her, his eyes betraying the guilt he feels. "I should have come for you when Stefano had you on that island. I should have known, *something* should have told me you were still alive and I... I blew it Marlena. I let you down when you needed me the most. And then I continued to let you down. I've hurt you so many times.... I," he looks so anguished her heart breaks for him. She wants to reach out and soothe away his pain but she knows she can't. Like her, his pain is his to own, his guilt to deal with in his own time. He reaches out and brushes her hair behind her ear. "If anyone here needs to apologize, it's me. It was my foolishness that hurt you so much and gave Grace the opportunity to do what she did. I've spent far too much time taking you for granted and I swear I am never going to do that again."
"Roman," her eyes soften and she reaches out to touch his face. She seems tentative and almost scared as she whispers "We can get through this. Can't we?"
Roman freezes for a moment, a lump forming in his throat as he holds her eyes. He can't believe that she would even let the thought cross her mind. But then.... after all the times he has let her down... how can he blame her for doubting?
"Of course we can sweetheart." He offers her the merest hint of a smile and he closes his fingers around hers. Then his brow folds into in intensely sincere expression and he presses his lips together, studying her beautiful face for a long moment. "Listen baby, we've both been through our own kinds of hell. I... when I thought I had lost you, when I made love to Grace thinking she was you and then I realized the truth... if I was ever going to give up on us, it would have been then." He lets his lips curl into a smile now and shakes his head firmly. "But just like when I was in those damn chains in Maison Blanche, both times Doc, you were the one thing that could have and the one thing that *did* save me. You.” He repeats the word like it's a hymn or a prayer and the smile lights his eyes, giving the blue an almost electric quality. Marlena feels momentarily giddy under the force of his gaze and she grasps his hand to steady herself. Roman continues, acutely aware of the affect he is having on her and glad of it. If she understands how much she means to him, how much he needed to save her, maybe it will lighten the load of her guilt, just a little. “I always knew that somehow, you were somewhere close, and *you* were the light that held back that darkness. You saved me Doc, and without you, I'm nothing. So we have to get through this. We're in the best place we've ever been to get through this,” he smiles. “We've gone through so much and we've been forced to face our past. What's important here is that we need to be honest with each other about what we've been through and what we're feeling. This isn't about blaming ourselves or sinking into the guilt. We need to help each other through this, it's been a hell of an ordeal and I want it to bring us closer. We can't let the hurt and the guilt drive a wedge between us. You get me?"
"I get you," a hint of laughter echoes in her eyes, "Roman?"
"Mmmm?" he smiles at her, his eyes folding into familiar, loved creases at the corners.
"Who exactly *is* the shrink in this family?"
"I learnt from the best," he laughs, reaching out to pull her to him and burying his nose in her hair. She sighs and melts against him happily. He's right, of course. They've both made mistakes but then they've both been faced with situations that would have broken lesser people. That would have destroyed lesser couples. Now is the time to deal with the past and then put it behind them, once and for all.
"She doesn't sound like she was a very pleasant person." Irony is strong in her voice as she leans back in his arms and smoothes his hair away from his temple. "Grace I mean. Was it strange for you? Seeing my face and knowing I wasn't there?" She sees his face as he lies back against the pillow, his arms around her shoulders, and laughs despite herself, despite the fluttering in her stomach and the odd nausea that shimmers through her when he starts talking about her alter ego. "Okay, that was a stupid question. Of course it was strange. But how was she different from me? It must have been so confusing for you."
"It was really weird at first. She was all hard edges and anger and.... she… she used her body like a weapon." He smiles softly at her, "Doc, sometimes I think you don't have a clue how beautiful, how incredibly sexy you are. But Grace? She knew it, she knew every bit of it and she played with it and played everyone around her." He gives an ironic grin as he thinks of Grace that night at Tuscany, playing him and Craig and every damn guy in the whole place. "She was something, all right. And she gave the impression of being incredibly strong, almost powerful; but really, when it was just her and me, when I started to catch the glimpses of the woman behind the façade, she was just brittle, like there was an empty void inside. There was no gentleness and no softness. She was really nothing like you, Doc." He reaches out to caress her face and she holds his eyes, searching the cerulean depths, finding only sincerity and comfort in them.
"It's like she did everything she could to avoid being anything like you because she wanted to see you as weak. She wanted to hate you like she hated me. Maybe because she hated me *so* much and she knew you loved me despite all the idiotic things I have done." He smiles faintly. "And because I'd hurt you so badly she judged you as weak for loving me. She had such an agenda but it was all based on lies and manipulation by DiMera, and the closer she got to the truth of that, the more I saw this raw vulnerability that filled the empty space behind the façade. The anger and hatred and vitriol were nothing more than a defence mechanism. And the closer she came to the truth, the more vicious and hell-bent on destruction she became. She couldn't stop, couldn't rest for a moment because if she had, she might have seen the truth about me and about you and about herself. And it would have rendered her existence pointless. Which of course, in the end, it did." He takes a deep breath, looking away from Marlena for a moment, searching for an internal equilibrium as he recalls that horrific night at DiMera's compound. That he had allowed the mercenary Black to come so close to destroying both Grace and Marlena instead of saving her would always haunt him.
"I think sometimes that's what kept me going, through everything." He turns back to her, tears glittering in his eyes. "Seeing those glimpses of her, of how scared she really was beneath all the bullshit. It was then I felt like I was closest to connecting with you and I couldn't help but feel some little kind of tenderness towards her."
"Wow." Marlena raises her eyebrows. She's surprised, actually stunned, at Roman's insight. She knows she probably shouldn't be, after all, he's a sensitive man and he knows her better than anybody ever has, or ever will. But that he understands such a broken and twisted character as Grace leaves her in awe of him. Once again.
It also leaves her a little unsettled.
"Well, I had a lot of time to think about her." He gives a rueful sigh. "While I was with her, and I had to concentrate on how to reach you... how was I going to do that if I didn't understand what made her tick? And of course, I've had plenty of time to think about everything since you've been here in the hospital. Hindsight makes things clearer, I guess."
"I suppose you did." Marlena frowns uncertainly. The fluttering and the nausea are back, but she pushes them both down, ignoring them as best she can. "It's just.... I don't know... you say tenderness... was that all it was?" He gives her an odd look, as though he understands what she is asking but at the same time, he doesn't understand at all. She shrugs, not sure she understands it herself. "It's just strange, Roman; hearing you talk about someone else, but knowing somehow... it was me too."
"I suppose..." his surprised look is replaced by one of soft humor and adoration. "Sometimes I'd catch a look or a glance or a moment of softness and I would see you. Sometimes I wanted so much to see you that I think I saw glimpses of you where there weren't any. And she played on that. But yeah, I don't know that I'd call it love but... we had a complex relationship. She was the barrier I had to break through to get to you, but she was a personality in her own right and she was... interesting. I," he suddenly smiles, an odd rueful smile. "I think that's what she wanted, you know. In the end. For me to love her, for her. Not because she was something of you, but for who she was. She'd been hurt by Stefano and Lamont and Orpheus...." Marlena shudders at that name, feeling a surge of nausea as she presses her eyes tightly closed. "Oh baby, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." he pulls her into him again, planting a soft kiss on the top of her head. "I'm such an idiot!" "No," Marlena's voice spills out, choked but sure. "No, I have to face it. It happened; I need to deal with it." "Not right now you don't," Roman shakes his head and strokes her hair with his fingers. "There's plenty of time for that, but not right now." He feels Marlena shudder and then slowly relax in his arms and he lets out a long breath. "Go on," her voice is muffled against his t-shirt. "You were saying about Grace. Wanting you to love her..." she pulls back and looks at him, blinking her luminous hazel eyes with unconcealed admiration. "I'm... a little surprised at that, I have to admit."
"What, that she'd be crazy about me?" he gives a rich throaty laugh and Marlena finds herself smiling back at him.
"Why wouldn't she be?" she asks him softly. "No, more that you could actually tell that. After all... she put you through. You could still see that?" She doesn't utter the thoughts that follow.
You still loved me enough to know that about me? That despite what I had become, I would always need you to love me?
"I don't know when I realized it." Roman shrugs. "Maybe it's something I only realized in retrospect. Or maybe I knew it that night in the barn...." He trails off and raises his eyebrows, thinking of that night in the middle of nowhere. The night when Grace had been so fragile, so drawn out of paper and air that he might have scratched the surface and seen through to the stars beyond.
In her turn, Marlena looks away, hazel eyes searching the distance for shreds of a memory within a memory. Flashes of straw and lanterns and starry skies fill her vision. Strawberries and cream and fire and a fear so potent that it had threatened to shatter her into a billion shards of nothingness.
She inclines her head, only an inch or so, but he knows from that, that she remembers. Some of it, at least. That night when Grace had been at her most vulnerable, right before she'd broken him completely.
"She craved admiration and she needed to be in control, to dominate," Roman continues, his fingers smoothing Marlena's hair against her shoulder. "But I think that what she really wanted was love and affection. I think she got damn tired keeping that guard up all the time, that tough sarcasm and bitchiness she wore like armor... must have been wearing," he smiles at the irony, "sure was wearing on me. But the bond that you and I share," he smiles, twirling a strand of gold around his index fingers, "I think that maybe it was natural that she should seek some kind of affection or even love from me. Even if she wasn't wholly aware that was what she was doing or what she really wanted."
"You don't think she knew what she was doing?" Despite herself, Marlena is increasingly interested in Roman's assessment of her alter-ego. If she can just divorce her personal feelings from the situation, just ignore the memories and emotions that lurk at the edges of her self-control, it becomes a fascinating psychiatric study of amnesia and split personalities. Well, it has the potential to, but that's all a rather big "if". Marlena shivers imperceptibly, the chill eddying down her spine and settling in the pit of her stomach. She could swear she hasn't moved at all, but Roman's oversized palm settles over the back of her hand and he looks at her, an expression of concern clouding his beautiful face.
Her own lips twitch into a smile. He knows her so well, it's almost instinctual. And how lucky she is that it is so. She came so close to being lost to her family forever. If Stefano had managed to steer his course. If it hadn't been for Roman...
"Oh, she knew what she was doing," Roman gives a forced laugh. "Every move she made was deliberate. But I think that sometimes she lied to herself about the reasons for what she did. I mean, even when John Black took over...." he shrugs carelessly, but Marlena can see the tension in his shoulders and reaches up with a slight wince at the pain. The sensation of her fingers as they curl around the nape of his neck is soothing and he relaxes a little. She returns his warm smile and encourages him to continue with little more than the raising of her eyebrows.
"Well, what use did she really have for him? Or he for her, come to that. They would have been far better off going their separate ways - the people they were... they were hardly compatible. But beyond all that, somewhere underneath the hurt and the anger, even when we were different people all together, I think... I know... something within us still recognized that bond we have, still needed everything we are to each other. We were still drawn intrinsically, obsessively, together."
He grins at the admission and at the expression on Marlena's face, her raised eyebrows, a manufactured skepticism, laced with an honest admission of the truth of his words. Roman knows that whatever he does, wherever or whoever he is, he will always be obsessed with her. And she with him.
He takes her hand and weaves his fingers between hers. "Grace didn't count on that," he tells her. "Didn't count on your strength and courage, or the strength of your love for me."
"And John Black didn't count on your strength either," Marlena says quietly. "If you hadn't.-"
"I should never have let it get to that point in the first place, Roman growls angrily, pulling his hand from hers. Every time he thinks about the confrontation in the bedroom, he dies a little inside. "Doc-"
"Roman, *don't*!" Marlena shakes her head firmly. "I won't have you feeling guilty over something that didn't even happen. Stefano tortured and manipulated you and he planted a demon inside your head. And then Grace brought him to life. And you can't expect to convince me that I'm not culpable for Grace's actions and then take responsibility for John Black's cruelty. Or his insanity." Her glance at him is full of significance. "The logic doesn't follow."
Roman stares at her for a long moment, perhaps trying to conjure an argument that will circumvent her rationality. But eventually he is forced to concede defeat. His shoulders slump and he nods. He understands her argument and it makes eminent sense but still, he will never ever forgive himself for so directly contributing to almost completely destroying the woman he loves. The woman he would die for. He'll never forgive himself and he'll spend the rest of his life trying to redeem himself for it. He just can't ever mention it to her again, that's all.
"Good." Marlena nods, apparently contented with his silence as an answer. "After all, it's like you told me; we can bury ourselves in the guilt and never move past this, or we can put it behind us and work out where we go from here." She lifts an eyebrow and gives him a gently suggestive smile.
Roman looks at her with a captivated expression and then gives her a dirty grin. "Well, I know where I'd like to go." He leans into her, cupping her face with his roughened palm. Marlena gives a happy sigh and closes her eyes as he brings his mouth closer to hers.
She feels him linger for a moment, his lips barely brushing hers and then a thrill of pleasure travels her body, her nerves tingling with the familiar and yet strange sensation of having him close.
And then his mouth is on hers, his lips teasing and caressing, his tongue dancing and colliding with hers. Her body is warm, her stomach dancing and jumping and she can barely feel the pain of her wound. It's as though his touch can wash away the world, just for a moment, can transport her to a place in the universe where it's just her and him and utter bliss.
When he finally pulls away from her, she looks a little dazed and all she can do is smile. He smiles back at her, shaking fingers touching her face, his head light with the joy of having her in his arms. Of being able to love her and laugh with her. Of being and of being with her.
"Roman?" she whispers.
"Mmmmm?" his murmured reply has a degree of distraction about it as he stares at her, drinking her in.
"I love you," she says simply and with a radiant smile. "I just love you so much."
"I love you too Marlena," he replies, his fingers in her hair, his head bending to hers again. His head swimming with the scent of her and the joy of having her in his arms once again. "Dear God I don't think I've ever loved you more...."