It's quite some hours later when Roman finally sees Bo again. After Hope's departure, the psychiatrist had finally shown up and he had spent some time talking to Roman and Marlena, counseling them on what the immediate future might hold. He'd been kind and gentle, offering reassurance and no sign of shock or censure at the small tidbits Marlena had revealed. He had spent some time with each of them individually, giving them reassurance and guidance on the best way to work through the next few weeks. When Marlena had balked at the idea of seeing a psychiatrist within her circle of professional acquaintances, he had offered to refer her to an old friend of his, a doctor who promised the utmost of discretion.
It had been when Marlena had finally started yawning that the doctor had called time, promising to stop by in the morning. Roman had held Marlena until she had fallen asleep and then, at her urging, he had finally given in and gone back to the hotel for a shower and a good night's rest.
He's tucking into a hearty breakfast when there's a knock on his door. He opens it to find Bo standing there defiantly.
"Come in, Bo." Roman turns back to the room, Bo following him. "What can I do for you?"
"I just came to say..." Bo's tone is almost aggressive, "it wasn't because of you that I didn't want to believe it, it's just that I... there are other things to consider. The rest of the family. Mom and Pop. Sami. It's going to take them a long time to get over this. They've mourned Roman three times now and..."
Roman holds up his hand. "It's okay Bo; you don't have to explain it to me. I understand all the implications. I know it's a hard thing to wrap your head around. It's going to take *me* a while." I don't expect you all to throw parties or to turn around and accept me with open arms. We've got a lot of making up to do, a lot of talking and explaining."
"Roman, we couldn't have known." Bo is defensive, almost completely ignoring his brother's previous words. Or the fact that he had spoken at all. "DiMera had it all sewn up. He fixed the original DNA tests. We couldn't have known."
"I know that, Bo," Roman grins. He's so happy that Marlena's safe and that she seems to be coping with the truth that everything else is paling into insignificance. He's not about to give his brother a hard time. What's the point? It's all long gone now; recriminations are hardly going to change things. It's time to move forward and leave the past where it belongs. He's been given an incredible opportunity, a second chance with his wife and his family. He doesn't want to be angry any more, he just wants to make the best of every moment he is given.
"You want something to eat?" He waves a hand at the food. "'Cuz there's far more there than I can manage. My stomach has shrunk over the past few weeks."
Bo looks at the meal and then looks down at the floor. His bravado is clearly faltering. He looks back at his brother and Roman sees the vulnerable little boy lost again, the look that Bo always has when he feels guilty or ashamed. It's a look that triggers memories... memories he's not sure he's really having. Maybe it's just wishful thinking....
"Roman.... I'm sorry, man." The words come out as a strangled whisper and it seems they almost surprise Bo as much as they do Roman. Roman feels an intense pang of sympathy for his younger brother.
"Sorry for what?" He shrugs diffidently, but the gesture covers a throng of conflicting emotions. Compassion and gratitude. Anger and betrayal. Happiness. Grief. Like Marlena, he's having trouble truly making sense of these new revelations and the feelings they evoke. He doesn't want to be angry and resentful. And he doesn't, or at least he hasn't, until now. The joy of having Marlena back, the beauty of holding her in his arms as she fell asleep; that has overshadowed everything else. As long as he focuses on Marlena, everything makes sense.
But now he is faced with Bo's apology and it brings the very real truth home. His family had abandoned him, turned their back on him. When he had needed them most, they had evicted him from their lives. And instead of loving him, they had embraced the wolf in their midst.
But how can he blame them for that? *He* had believed that Lamont was Roman, just as much as everybody else had. They are all victims of Stefano, just as much as he and Marlena are.
"You couldn't have known." He echoes Bo's words but his voice is dull and unconvincing.
Bo is silent for a moment, digesting Roman's words and his demeanor. His defensiveness bubbles up again and he opens his mouth and angrily blurts out Roman's name before he can stop himself.
Roman simply raises his eyebrows.
The simple gesture stops Bo in his tracks and he looks both surprised and chagrined. He looks away from Roman for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts.
"I'm sorry man," his shoulders slump as though he is admitting defeat. He shuffles to the bed and throws himself down on it. Roman remains silent but he slouches into the couch and crosses a foot over his knee.
"I guess... I guess I just feel guilty," Bo admits unhappily. "I feel like I should have known. You're my brother man. My flesh and blood. I feel like that should have counted, I should have just *known*."
Roman sighs. He suddenly feels very tired again. One night of sleep is not going to make up for the past few days, or the weeks ""How could you have known, Bo? He rubs his newly clean-shaven chin. It feels odd after all this time. "I understand why you feel like you do and yes, part of me feels angry and bitter that I've lost so much time with my family. Part of me feels angry at you, at Mom and Pop...." He sighs and runs his hand through his hair, scratching his head. "But if I look at it logically, Bo, I know there's no way that you could have known the truth. He looked like Roman, he had Roman's memories, the DNA test *said* he was Roman. How could any of us fight that sort of certainty?"
"We couldn't." Bo shrugs, accepting Roman's words. "Believe me man, the first time I saw Ro-" he stops himself short. "The first time I saw that guy... I didn't want to believe he was my brother."
"I know you didn't bro," Roman gives him a sad smile. "You weren't the only one, trust me."
"It was Mom, she seemed so certain. And then the DNA. I couldn't argue with that. I was just the kid, the hothead." He looks a little resentful for a moment. "The one that never got anything right. How could I argue with them? With proof like that?"
"I fought it as long as I could." Roman's eyes develop a distant gleam. "I couldn't believe it. I *knew* I was Roman Brady. That was who I was; it was my identity, my life. I knew it like I knew how to breathe. And then, in a single moment, they took that all away from me." He blinks and picks at an eyebrow with his fingers, an unconscious gesture of discomfort.
"I remember that day like it was yesterday. In Mom and Pop's kitchen. They fed me some cock and bull story about a birthday that I didn't have. They knew I didn't remember anything from before I came to Salem. And *he* did." He drops his hand and looks across at Bo, his azure eyes piercing. His voice is buried deep in the back of his throat now, his words carrying a smoky growl that conveys just how much he is hurting. "They broke my heart, Bo. They rejected me and they welcomed him into the family without a backward glance. I lost my family and my home. I lost my kids, those kids that I'd spent the last five years raising and loving. Do you have any idea how fucking hard it was to walk away from them?" He sighs again and closes his eyes.
Bo waits, awkwardly digesting his brother's words.
Roman finally opens his eyes and Bo's heart hammers painfully in his chest as he sees the extent of the resentment and betrayal in Roman's weary eyes. "Of course Sami hates me." Roman continues, his voice rasping with the weight of his anger. "I abandoned her. Abandoned them all. Walked out and left my own children in the hands of a total fucking stranger." His voice cracks and he drops his head, passing his hands over his face, trying to cover his distress and failing.
"Hey listen, you didn't have any more choice than I did." Bo pushes himself into a sitting position. "DiMera fucked us all over."
"Christ, when I think of all the time we've wasted..." Roman lets out a long, weary breath and leans forward in his seat, staring at the congealing egg and bacon on the plate before him. He aches. Every part of him aches, inside and out. It's as though all this time, he's been holding onto all this pain, he's had it locked inside a dark and forgotten corner of his head and his heart. And now it's free, and it's poisoning him.
"The very worst thing was walking away from Marlena." His voice is so low now it's almost inaudible. But still, it is laced with years of withheld misery and loss. "Maybe it should have been the kids," he adds, his fingers straying to his wedding ring which he twists unthinkingly around his finger; "maybe I'm the shitty father Sami accuses me of being... but it was losing Marlena that *really* destroyed me."
"But you did have Isabella," Bo points out carefully. "You loved her."
"Of course I loved her," Roman lifts his head to meet Bo's questioning eyes. "I loved her as much as I could, Bo. She gave me something to hold onto when I'd lost *everything* else, and I'll always be grateful to her for that. But even she knew, deep down, that my heart belonged to Marlena. It always has and it always will."
"Yeah, well that much is obvious," Bo's smile is poignant as he considers his sister. "And yeah, I think she knew it too. But she loved you and she was grateful for what she had. But I think she knew that if Roman... if *he* hadn't turned up, there would have been no contest."
"I hope it didn't hurt her too much," Roman purses his lips as he settles deep into his thoughts. "She deserved better than I could give her."
"Like I said," Bo yawns, his own tiredness getting the better of him. He'd hardly slept last night for mulling over this whole situation in his head. It had been the tossing and turning that had finally driven Hope to tell him that if he didn't talk to Roman this morning, she'd throw him out of her room tonight. "I'm pretty sure she was happy with what she had. She always seemed to be when I talked to her, anyway." He gives Roman a wistful smile. "I still miss her. At least you made her last few months happy."
"I miss her too Bo, from time to time." Roman joins his smile with one of his own. "Mostly, I wish she could see the fine young man that Brady is growing into. She'd be so proud."
"Yeah," Bo nods, "that she would." He gives Roman a sober look. "That all seems so long ago. And here we are, revisiting it all again. I was so sure you were my brother and then I was faced with a person that made a lie of that. I felt guilty for believing you were Roman, for letting you take over his life...." His expression bears the weight of his misery as he speaks. "And now that's all turned on its damn head and I feel guilty for believing *he* was Roman and for letting him take away your family. I just don't seem to be able to get a grip on how I *should* be feeling, or how to deal with any of it."
"I don't think there *is* a 'should', Bo." Roman lets out a harsh laugh. "This is hardly a textbook situation. Anyway," he grins lazily, "Doc will tell you that there's no *should* when it comes to feelings. You just feel what you feel and you find some way to deal with it."
"And how the hell are we supposed to do that?" Bo demands, an irrational burst of anger firing him up again. Abstract answers that don't make sense have never been his forte. He's a man that needs solid facts, solid resolutions. And there are no answers to this nightmare. Just more fucking questions. "Find a way? This is all fucking bullshit. *Fuck* DiMera and his fucking games."
Roman says nothing, just waits silently as the words settle in the heavy air between them. And then, "Have you read DiMera's file?" he asks quietly.
"Several times over, man," Bo shrugs casually but the gesture belies the tension in his shoulders. "At first I didn't want to believe it. But it made sense. Too much damn sense. I feel like kicking myself – we should have seen it."
"The old man was too good at what he did, Bo," Roman says firmly as he leans forward in his seat. He fixes intensely indigo eyes on his brother. "He held the aces – the knowledge and the proof; and when we got too close to the truth, he had the ability to slide it away. Right under our noses." He gives a bitter laugh that really sounds like more of a snarl. "Guess we should be thankful that we got the time that we did as family. If his brainwashing had gone as planned at the beginning, if I hadn't managed to make it back to Salem...."
Bo blinks, he hasn't thought of it like that, but Roman is right. It could have been a hell of a lot worse.
"So," Roman takes a deep breath, "you do believe I'm *me* then?"
"Yeah," Bo nods. "I've gotta admit, I fought it, man. Right to the end. But I called Shane. He met his messenger off the plane with the samples and he got two independent labs to do the tests along with the ISA lab. All the results came up identical. He told me there's no way that all of them could have been faked. He personally stood in the ISA lab while they ran the tests...." He stops and rubs his fingers through the bristles that carpet his chin. "I'm really sorry Roman. I should have believed you from the beginning."
"Why did I know that even the test results wouldn't convince you?" Roman grins again. It's so like Bo, to refuse the truth even when it is staring him in the face. Sometimes Roman wonders how it is that Bo ever made it through the police academy with such a willfully stubborn streak.
"Roman, we've been screwed over so many times... I just had to make sure this was for real." Bo hunches over, his elbows on his knees and he carefully inspects his fingers. "I couldn't put Mom and Pop through all this for it all to turn out to be a lie *again*. Speaking of which...." he turns his head and shoots a look at his brother. "I need to know what you want me to tell them. They've been on my case the last few days after we asked them for the samples for the tests. They want to know what's going on."
"Jesus, I haven't even had time to think about that, Bo." Roman slumps back in his seat and runs his fingers through too-long hair. "I guess...." he stops as he thinks about it, "yeah, I want to tell them in person. They deserve that. Hell, *I* deserve that. It's not exactly something you can spill casually over the phone and Sami..." he frowns, "poor Sami, she's not going to take this well. She's going to need a lot of explanation and a lot of support. I think Doc and I should be there to provide it for her." He pauses, thinking again of his wife and how best he can help her to cope with what has happened. "I think it would be good for Marlena too – I don't want all the attention on her when we get home – she needs time and space to heal. I think if the family can focus on me rather than what happened to her..."
"What she did, you mean..." Bo's voice is stripped of all warmth.
"There's no proof she did anything." Roman's eyes narrow in warning. "Lay off her, Bo. I'll put up with a lot of things, but when it comes to Marlena, there's a strict line. Go over it and I won't be responsible for what I do." His whole body is tense, the telltale muscle flickering in his jaw. "Doc's been through a hell of a time. And *whatever* happened to that *bastard* Lamont, he got everything he fucking deserved."
He falters and looks away suddenly. "Bo, go easy on her, will you?" He is choked and in the sunlight that streams through the window, Bo sees the glitter of moisture on the plane of his cheek. "She feels so damn responsible for all this and... I can't... I can't lose her again. I don't care what she- I don't care what Grace did. I just need her in my life and I need her to need that too."
Bo sighs. He wants to give Roman what he wants. He wants to be able to promise and keep that promise. He wants to be able to look at Marlena and not remember what those hands of hers have done. But he's just not sure he can. And maybe that makes him a hypocrite, but he's gotta be honest if nothing else.
"Roman, I-"
"Bo, she's going to blame herself for this, she's going to punish herself. It's what Doc does. How the hell is it going to help her if everyone else turns their backs on her? How is that going to make anything right? It's not going to change what happened. It's not going to help you or Hope or *me*. Or our children."
Bo remains silent, digesting Roman's words but when Roman turns his gaze back towards the room, he finds he has to avert his eyes.
"Bo," Roman's voice is as sharp as a blade. "Do you think of Marlena as family? Or even as a friend?"
"Of course I do, Roman," he rubs his beard uncomfortably. "I always have, man. I was just so damn *angry* with her when I thought she'd betrayed Roman. And then, when..." his stomach roils slightly as he recalls the battered body of the man they'd thought of as his brother.
"You know what the irony is, little brother?" the tell-tale muscle in Roman's jaw twitches rapidly as he looks straight at Bo, his angry glare boring through Bo's defenses. "It's that while you thought she was betraying "Roman", she was, in fact the *only* person that ever stood by me. Even when she thought I wasn't Roman, she took care of me. She's the only reason I survived when everything was taken away from me. My family, my children, the love of my life... I lost everything. I lost her, but she was still there. She was always there and I'm damned if I'm going to let her go now. I'm damned if I'll let you or *anyone* else throw her to the wolves because of something that wasn't under her control."
Roman's fists are flexing unconsciously and Bo is taken aback by the strength of his rage. "I wasn't-" he starts.
"The bottom line is little brother, Marlena and I come as a package. I would *die* for that woman, and if you don't want her in the family, then you don't get me. It's that simple."
"It's not that cut and dried Roman," Bo argues. "I don't want to hurt Marlena, I don't want to blame her or be angry at her-"
"Then *don't*!" Roman growls.
"What, in the same way you're not angry at Hope?" Bo spits back with sudden fury. He hates it when Roman tells him what to do and this is no exception. "You had no right to speak to her the way you did in the hospital. But you did, because what she did, what Gina did, hurt you. Well, what Marlena... Grace did, hurt me." His face is ruddy, his shoulders tense as he tries to outstare his brother. "It could have cost me the woman *I* love. It's just not that simple. I'm going to need some time to come to terms with all this."
"Well, take your time," Roman says coldly, "just don't take your confusion or your anger out on Marlena. I won't put up with it. I'll take her away from Salem for good rather than put her through that again." His jaw is set and Bo knows that this is no idle threat. He might not have known he was his brother, but he knows this man so well. Knows how far he will go for this woman. He will turn his back on the family and walk away without a second glance in order to protect her.
Bo can't let that happen.
He takes in a long breath and nods slowly. "Okay," he says slowly, "I understand where you're coming from, I really do. And I promise I won't take it out on Marlena. I'm just... cut me some slack otherwise. Let me do this at my own pace."
"As long as you don't blame Doc, as long as you don't make her feel any more guilty than she already is..." Roman shrugs tiredly. "That's all I'm asking Bo. Just... even if you can't be supportive, at least don't add to her pain, okay?"
"Sure," Bo gives his brother a diffident smile. He will do what Roman asks because after all this time, he can't bear the thought that he's just got his brother back in order to lose him again.
And more than that, he really does think of Marlena as family and it had thrown him yesterday, seeing her in the hospital bed, seeing how unhappy and pale she had been. He sighs and holds out his hand in an offering of peace and cooperation. "Roman, I promise I'll be as supportive as I can. And I'll try my best not to hurt her any more. Honestly, I love Marlena too, always have. And I don't want her to be hurt any more than she already has been. And besides, the old man has done too much damage, I'll be damned if I'll be the tool for him to inflict more."
"I'm glad to hear you say that, little brother," Roman sighs in relief. "I'd hate to make an enemy of you when I've only just got you back."
"Hey, we're family, right?" Bo grins, but it's a weak effort and it falls from his face even more quickly than it came. "Family sticks together."
"Family," Roman muses softly. "Yeah. I guess we do."
"Hey, Roman," Bo says, trying to claw back a bit of ground with his brother. "It's going to be okay you know. The family will be happy. Just give them a bit of time to absorb it all... come to terms with it and everything."
Roman nods, silently lost in thought. "Tell Mom and Pop... tell them it was a false alarm," he says after a long pause. "Tell them it was nothing in the end, they don't need to worry themselves. It's going to be a couple of weeks at least before Marlena will be well enough to travel and there's no point in leaving them in suspense like that. Tell them you thought there might be something, but you were mistaken. When we get home, we'll tell them the truth."
"Sounds fair," Bo nods. "So, how is Marlena taking all this? How is she doing?"
"She's doing as well as you could expect," Roman's expression softens and his blue eyes take on a far-away sheen. "She's confused and conflicted like all of us.... well, worse. There are moments when she won't even look at me. Because she thinks I'll see the monster inside." He sighs. "I don't know that she gets that all that time I was living with the monster. With Grace. I was so desperate to get Marlena back, I almost ignored who and what she was. And then when Marlena was unconscious, all I could think of was the moment she woke up, the moment I could hold her again and see her smile. And I never really considered how the hell I was going to handle her knowing the truth and what it would do to her. I mean... I don't even think I've seen her this fragile, this devastated. Even after the devil..." he trails off in disgust.
"Christ, how much should one person be expected to bear, Bo?" He looks up at his younger brother, his chin trembling for a moment before he gets a grip on himself. "I'm so scared for her, I want to make this all okay and I know that I just can't, no matter how much I want it." He's clenching his fist and he ploughs it into a pillow angrily, trying to vent some of his frustration. "I'm powerless to help her and that's the most frustrating thing of all."
"I know, bro." In his mind's eye, Bo sees Hope in Ernesto's cage. And then he recalls her face when she found him with Billie during their abortive wedding day several years ago. He knows only too well the things Roman has faced in the name of love.
"I guess at least she won't be torn between me and Roman any more," Roman offers disjointedly.
Bo laughs at the irony. "She never was, man. That was obvious to anyone that knew her. What she felt for him was some kind of duty and loyalty with a huge helping of guilt. Her heart was always with you; she fucking adores you, man. Hope and I always knew that, we talked about it any number of times over the years. That's why it was all so weird when she...." He trails off recalling the afternoon on the boat and he wonders for a moment if he will ever be able to fully banish that hour from his mind.
"Thanks little brother," Roman smiles ruefully. He notes Bo's suddenly strained expression but chooses to ignore it. They've come to their agreement; it's down to Bo now to deal with the demons in his own head. He has enough to worry about with Marlena. He looks at his watch pointedly and then pushes himself from the sofa. "Gotta tell you, it's good to hear that. This past few years has been so messed up I think I've started to question even those things which I know inside out."
"Yeah, I hear you on that one." Bo gives him a worn smile. "Listen bro, I know you wanna get outta here and go see Marlena, but before you do, I just need you to know that you and her...." he gives Roman a boyish smile, "whatever happens when we get back to Salem, we're your family and we'll make sure you're all right for as long as you need it."
Roman is taken aback for a moment. Bo's smile takes him right back to a time that... by rights, he shouldn't be remembering. But he can see it, as plain as day. A five year old Bo, handing him a birthday card he'd made in class. And the smile, so full of hope and nervousness.
"I..." he falters, and then shakes off the odd sensation. "Thanks Bo, I'm really grateful for that." He pushes himself from the sofa and his mouth curls into regretful kind of a half-smile. He's starting to dread their return to Salem, what with the family and their money situation. He really is touched at Bo's words; he just wishes they weren't needed.
"Just remember it, okay?" Bo finally makes his move too, sliding off the bed and stretching as he unfolds his limbs. "Don't be all stubborn and proud like you usually are? Just remember that you have Marlena to look after too."
"Believe me," Roman nods his head, utterly serious now, "I'll never forget that fact."
"Good. Glad to hear it. Right," Bo looks at his watch too and notes the progression of the morning hours. "Hey, it's getting late man. Your gorgeous wife will be wondering where the hell you are!" He claps Roman on the back. "So, you want a lift to the hospital?"
"Yeah," Roman relaxes into a genuine smile and Bo grins back at him. "That would be great, little brother. Thanks."
Bo pulls the keys of the rental car out of his pocket. "Right, let's stop by my room and find Hope first and then we can be on our way...."