Bo is terrified as he looks at Roman who looks across at Abe and then at his wife. He looks completely lost, floundering in exhausted panic as he looks helplessly back at Abe. By the time Abe has gathered his wits enough to bark an order at Bo to call a doctor, medical staff are already flooding into the room.
The three men find themselves shuffled out of the room by over-efficient nurses and the door closes firmly behind them, the blinds at the windows immediately following suit.
Roman turns bewilderedly, looking at the blank door in front of him. His eyes are wide with confusion as he turns to Abe.
"What-?" he begins, looking like a lost child. And then suddenly, it seems to hit him and he staggers back, hitting the door heavily with the plane of his back. Then he is gasping for breath and shaking uncontrollably as his knees give way and he slides down the door, landing in a heap on the floor.
"Jesus," he whispers in between shallow, uncontrolled breaths. He's not crying yet, he's too shocked, too frightened to feel anything but this utterly numbing terror. "No. Please God, no. Don't take her from me. Please, not now."
"God, what's happened?" Hope rushes the last few steps towards the huddled group. "Is it-?"
"She's-" Bo's aghast gaze swings from Roman to Hope. "I think her heart... stopped. The doctors, they're all in there..."
"Oh God," Hope tucks the cell phone in the pocket of her jeans and kneels beside Roman.
"Roman?"
"Get away from me," Roman's head snaps up, his eyes wild with fear. "Don't *touch* me. If it hadn't been for *you* none of this would-"
"*Hey*!" Bo interrupts angrily as he helps Hope up and wraps his arm around her waist protectively. "That's enough! You said yourself in there that Hope isn't responsible for what Gina did. Don't take this out on her, that's not fair."
"Not *fair*!?" Roman glares at Bo incredulously and his voice rises until it is an irate shout. "What the *fucking hell* about this is fucking *fair*?" He drops his head into his hands again, his fingers threading through his thick, dark hair. And he rocks forward, his voice anguished. "Christ, this can't be happening to me. Please, let this not be happening. I'll give *anything*, just don't take her away from me..."
"Roman," Abe is crouching beside Roman now, touching his arm lightly. "C'mon man, this isn't a good place to sit. Come over and sit on the seats here." He's grateful when Roman doesn't shout and doesn't fight him. He simply looks up at Abe with fearful blue eyes that lay his soul so bare that it cuts a swathe through Abe's defenses.
Abe feels his own eyes fill with tears as Roman lets him help him up and then they both slump into the seating opposite the ICU door. The door that separates Roman from the sliver of hope and faith on which his life now depends.
The seconds tick by interminably slowly as they wait, Abe and Roman side by side. Bo and Hope stand a small distance away, Bo's arms around his wife as they all watch the door for an answer. An answer that seems to be taking an eternity to arrive.
They watch as a nurse leaves the room, rushing quickly away before any of them can corner her. And then another doctor arrives, slipping into the room without so much as a word.
Once more, the minutes tick by and Roman's head drops into his hand. His mind drifts back through the years. He's come close to losing her too many times. He's grieved her more than any man should grieve a woman. And yet, if he loses her now, he will never stop grieving. He can't imagine waking into a world that she does not inhabit. He can't imagine seeing the sun, smiling, talking with friends, while he knows that she is not somewhere nearby.
Even if she hates him, even if she will never forgive him. Even if he can never kiss her, touch her, make love to her again, he needs to know she is somewhere in his world. Somewhere safe, being loved and honored the way she deserves.
But God, just the thought of seeing her and not being able to touch her.... He's tried that before and it's killed him slowly but surely. Even while he was with Kristen, he'd been able to think of nothing but Marlena.
Kristen...
He feels sick again. All that time wasted. All the lies.... how the hell can any of them separate the lies from the truth any more?
"Roman." He feels a nudge from Abe in his ribs and he looks up expectantly, his heart drumming loudly against his ribs. He stands as the doctor reaches them.
"Mr. Black?" the doctor raises his eyebrows wearily as he folds his arms across a clipboard that he holds in front of him.
"Is she-" Roman's heart is in his throat as he awaits the doctor's answer. "My wife." His voice shakes as he forces out the words. "What's happened? Is she...." He can't even voice the options.
But the doctor relieves him from any need to question further. He's clearly sympathetic to Roman's plight as he reaches out and lays a hand on Roman's arm.
"Your wife is a fighter Mr. Black. She's fine." The doctor pulls his hand back and rubs his face tiredly. Then he adds a qualifier. "For the moment. But I wouldn't like to go through that again." He gives Roman a significant look. "Next time we might not be so lucky."
It takes Roman a moment to digest his words and when he does, his knees buckle with the relief. It's only Abe grabbing his arm that keeps him upright.
"Thank God!" His head rolls back and he looks skyward gratefully. "Oh thank you, God!"
"And thank you, doctor," Abe nods at the doctor, his relief not as profound as Roman's, but no less evident.
"Yeah," Roman pulls himself together and looks straight at the doctor, his intensely cobalt eyes conveying his gratefulness. "God, thank you. Really. I don't know what I would have done-"
"Well, the most important thing is to make sure this doesn't happen again Mr. Black." The doctor's glance travels to where Bo and Hope stand and then moves back to Roman. "Perhaps any future arguments can take place *outside* your wife's room so as to not upset her unnecessarily?"
"Yes, of course." Roman nods, chagrined. Once again he has been so wrapped up in his own pain and selfishness that he has put Marlena's needs aside. And he's almost paid the ultimate price. He can't do it again. From now on, every waking thought has to be focused on her and what he can do for her. What he can promise her. What he can give her. He looks up at the doctor. "I'll make sure of it."
"Good." The doctor nods his head. "I'm sure you don't need me to tell you Mr. Black, your wife has been through a series of very traumatic events. Right now she needs all the support you can give her, but she also needs the peace to heal."
He consults the clipboard briefly and nods before looking back at Roman. "As such we think it would be best if Mrs. Black is limited to only one visitor at a time. And only for short periods. Twenty minutes every couple of hours."
"No," Roman shakes his head desperately, his bloodshot eyes registering his horror at this development. "No, I have to be in there with her."
"No, you don't." The doctor shakes his head. "Quite frankly, Mr. Black, I think you'd be more use to your wife if you got some rest."
"I can't leave her," Roman reaches out and grabs the man's white lab coat, his expression pleading. "Please. What if she wakes up and I'm not there? You don't understand, I can't leave her. I need to be with her."
"I'm sorry Mr. Black, but this is about what your *wife* needs," the doctor says, not unsympathetically. "The moment there is any change, we will call you."
"You won't need to," Roman says stubbornly. "I'm not going anywhere. If I can't be by her bedside, then I'll wait out here." He points at the seats behind him. "As long as it takes."
"It could be days." The doctor shrugs. "Weeks even."
"Then I'll wait days. Or weeks." Roman's jaw is set in an obstinate line, the muscle in his cheek twitching. "I'm not leaving my wife."
The doctor sighs, his shoulders drooping. By this time, most relatives have given in to their weariness. Most are glad to be told that they need to leave, to go home and rest. It gives them an escape clause without having to make a conscious decision to leave the bedside of their loved one.
But evidently not this John Black. He is determined not to leave his wife for even a moment. Of course, if even half of what the doctor has read in the case notes is true, he's not sure he can blame the poor bastard.
"All right," he shrugs. "I can't stop you from waiting out here, Mr. Black. I personally think you'd be much better off going and having a good rest and a decent meal. But I can't make you do that." He shakes his head. "However, it's still only twenty minutes in with your wife. Then the nurse will ask you to leave. She'll let you know when you can go back in."
"Can I go in now?" Roman asks wearily. He doesn't care about the minutiae of the rules. He just wants to see Marlena, to see with his own eyes that she is all right. That she is safe.
"In about ten minutes." The doctor consults his watch. "I'll let the nurse know and she can tell you when you can go in."
Roman nods and rubs his fingers across his forehead, trying to massage away the headache which stretches like a steel band around his head. "Thanks."
The doctor nods and heads back to Marlena's room. Roman slumps into the chair behind him and drops his head into his hands.
"Fight?" He hears Hope demanding through the haze of exhaustion that envelops him. "Brady, so help me, if you've starting trouble again...."
Roman looks up to see Bo give him a fleeting look, his expression downcast. "I didn't mean to," he says quietly. "I just wanted to tell J-... I wanted him to understand why I was feeling like I was... am..." he shakes his head in frustration. "Oh God, what's the use?"
"Don't give him a hard time, Hope." Roman's voice feels low and unfamiliar as it rumbles in his chest. "He's telling you the truth. It was my fault really, I've just been feeling so damned...." he closes his eyes and shakes his head, "responsible for everything that's happened." He opens his eyes again, tears spilling over tired, lined skin as he looks at the closed door in front of him. "It's been eating me alive and I think I just snapped. Bo happened to be in the way, that's all. And..." he compresses his lips into a thin line and shakes his head, "it was Marlena that suffered the most. Isn't that fucking typical of me?" He shakes his head in disbelief, wiping the moisture from his face with angry strokes of his fingers. "I'm in pain and so Marlena's the one that gets burnt." He gives a tight, bitter laugh. "What the hell does she see in me, anyway?"
"Roman," Hope approaches him quietly. "I know it seems like that now, when everything seems so messed up. But she loves you because you're a wonderful man, you have to believe that."
"Hope," Roman holds his hand up. He appreciates her efforts and her intentions, but his skin still has the tendency to crawl when she gets too close and right now, she's really the last person he needs to counsel him on his relationship with Marlena. "All due respect, but I really don't need your input right now." He looks up and sees the flicker of hurt in her eyes and he feels bad for her. And for what they have all suffered. But it doesn't change the way he feels.
He sighs and straightens his back. "Look, Hope, I'm sorry for what I said earlier. That was unfair of me."
"You were distraught." Bo has come up behind Hope now and she is reaching for his hand, seeking his support and comfort as she speaks. "I knew that. It's okay."
"It wasn't fair," Roman repeats. "But the fact is, we all still have a hell of a lot of healing to do. We have a lot to come to terms with. And right now I need to focus on my wife. And I'm finding it difficult to do that when you're standing there reminding me of everything I have to feel guilty about."
He looks up at her, meeting her eyes. Her jaw is set and she is gripping Bo's hand as though her life depends on it. But other than that, she shows no reaction to his words. But he knows Hope better than that. Knows how upset she is by her lack of reaction. "Look, I know that's not fair of me, because I know you've been through hell too and none of it was your fault any more than it was mine, or Doc's. But it's how I feel, Hope. I'm sorry, I wish it wasn't."
Hope's lower lip trembles for the briefest of moments and then, slowly, she nods.
"I know. I'm so sorry Roman, I just wanted to help. I wanted to make up for some of the havoc... Gina caused." She looks down and swallows, looking back at John with dark eyes set in a pale face. "But I guess it's too raw still."
"While Marlena's still in that room, fighting for her life, yeah, it is," Roman says tersely. And then he nods tiredly. "But truly, thank you for understanding. When all this is over, maybe we'll all find some way to mend the damage that has been done by DiMera."
"We have to," Bo says simply, "or the old man has won, once and for all."
Roman holds his brother's gaze for a long moment. And then he realizes that something is happening. There are flickers there, images long buried that threaten to solidify and become something substantial. He can't quite grasp them, can't quite define the nebulous edges, but he knows they are there, all the same.
The thought both exhilarates and terrifies him.
But now is not the time to chase after long dead ghosts. There will be plenty of time for that. When Marlena is in his arms again, whole and complete. That's his only priority now. Pursuit of the past can happen when he is standing on solid ground once again.
Because Bo is right. If he lets anger separate him from his family, then DiMera will have won. And there is no way in hell he will let Stefano have that pleasure. He's already taken far too much from them.
"Yeah," Roman gives Bo a rueful smile. "You're right little brother. For once."
The hint of a smile flits across Bo's face and he wraps his arms around Hope. "Hey beautiful, whaddya say we go back to the hotel and get some shut-eye?"
"Sounds good," Hope murmurs, clearly grateful for Bo's support. He bends a head and drops a kiss on the top of her head. "Call us, if there's any change?" she asks Abe quietly. Abe nods his assent silently and Hope pauses, looking at Roman. Then, with a shake of her head, she lets Bo turn her away.
Roman ignores their retreat. He's staring at the door to Marlena's ICU room again, willing the nurse to come out and tell him he can see her. All this waiting is really wearing on his nerves, but he knows there's nothing he can do. He has no choice but to simply wait. Wait as long as it takes.
"Are you okay?" Abe asks quietly as he lowers himself into the seat next to Roman.
"Yeah," Roman leans back in the chair and closes his eyes, letting out a long sigh. "I know I'm being selfish Abe, I know that. But I have to be right now. To maintain my sanity. If I'm going to be any use to Marlena, I need to focus all my energy on her."
"He-he-hey," Abe holds up his hands and grins. "No need to explain to me. You were just being honest buddy. I respect that."
Roman breathes heavily through his nostrils, slumping in his chair as he allows his taut muscles some release. Then he opens his left eye and turns his head so that he can see Abe. "Thanks man," is all he says.
They sit there that way for what seems like hours. In truth it's probably only half an hour but it drags interminably. But despite that, the silence between them is comfortable. Companionable, even. They are friends who understand each other, friends that have finally found where they fit together again.
Roman likes the feeling. It's familiar and he's missed it.
"Mr. Black?" He looks up to find a pretty nurse walking towards him. "You can see your wife now if you'd like."
"I'd like, yeah," his nod is followed by a yawn that he is unable to stifle and the nurse gives him a sympathetic smile as he pushes himself wearily from the seat. "Go and get some rest man," he tells Abe, "no point in both of us hanging around here all night."
"No," Abe shakes his head, "you need the moral support. I'm staying."
"Seriously Abe," Roman shakes his head. "I'm fine. I'll just curl up here on the seat and take a nap when they kick me outta Doc's room. But you," he raises his eyebrows, "I need you to be on top of things. DiMera's still in that jail cell downtown and I need you to make sure he doesn't go anywhere he's not supposed to go."
Abe nods resignedly. "Okay, you have a good point. I'll go back to the hotel. But please, make sure you call me if you need me. If anything happens."
"You know I will man," Roman smiles, clapping his hand on Abe's shoulder. "You'll be the first to know, my friend. The first to know."