Marlena lay in her bed, shrouded by darkness as she stared at the clock. It read 1:13 am. And still, she was alone.
It had been Sami's face when she found the John wouldn't be at the dinner that finally broke Marlena's heart. That John could deem some stranger more important than the daughter he had raised had smacked to betrayal to Marlena. And the lame excuse he had fed her had deepened that feeling.
A tear formed at the corner of her eye and trickled slowly down her cheek until it dropped silently into the pillow. Is this what she had fought for for so many years? Was this how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. Insecure, alone, unable to rely on the one person she should be able to lean on?
When, she wondered, had everything changed?
Tell me a story
Where we all change
And we'd live our lives together
And not estranged
All she could remember was how she had practically begged him to come tonight and how he had turned her down. He had made a promise.
"Well, what about the promise you made to me?" she whispered into the smothering darkness. What about that? He had told her she would never go through anything alone again, and yet here she was, terrified that she was about to lose her daughter. And more alone than maybe she had ever felt.
Because something had died tonight. She had lost something and she knew with a painful clarity that she was never going to get it back.
I didn't lose my mind it was
Mine to give away
Couldn't stay to watch me cry
You didn't have the time
So I softly slip away...
He'd join her he said. She had tears in her eyes and he had said he would join her as soon as he could. She had told him she loved him in desperation, maybe more to convince herself than him. But he had let her walk away, more important things on his mind. And now it was after one and he was nowhere to be seen.
His priorities it seemed, were sounding out loud and clear.
Even as she thought those thoughts, she heard the door quietly open and John enter the room. He shed his clothes with a minimum of fuss and slipped into the bed next to her.
As he snuggled up to her, she froze, her muscles tensing where his skin touched hers.
"Doc?" there was concern in his voice but she didn't trust herself to reply lest she betray what she was really feeling. "Baby, what's wrong?"
He ran his hand down her arm and then over her hip. As she felt his hand begin to seek the bottom of her nightgown her temper got the better of her.
No regrets
They don't work
No regrets
They only hurt
"What's wrong?" she tore herself away from his hands and turned to him, her eyes blazing hotly in the darkness. "You crawl into my bed at some ungodly hour of the morning after blowing off dinner and you have the *nerve* to ask me what's wrong?!"
John didn't say anything for a moment, too stunned to form coherent words. He had thought she had been all right when she had left, that she had accepted that he had to do what he felt was right.
"What's wrong?" she repeated, realization slowly dawning on her. "John, what's *right*?" She pulled herself up into a sitting position and hugged her knees to her chest, trying to make sense of the unfettered animosity she felt swirling within her. "What have we become? What has your search done to us? What has it cost us?"
"Doc I don't know…?" he shook his head in confusion. He really didn't understand this sudden hostility. To him it seemed to have come out of nowhere. "I don't understand."
"Of course you don't," she sounded tired, defeated as she slid out of the bed and pulled on her robe. "You're so wrapped up in this never-ending search that you don't even notice me anymore. Greta and this damn Princess Gina are so much more *interesting* than your own family aren't they?"
"Oh come on baby," he slipped out of bed with a half smile, suddenly understanding. "You know that's not true," he came to her, his hands open, "I adore you and the children. I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for you. You know I need to find out about my past so that we can move on with the future."
He reached out to take her hand in his and lead her back to the bed, but she slapped it away.
"*Stop* patronising me," she said fiercely. "This isn't about me or the children. It never was. It's *always* been about *you*. I was just too blind to see it before."
Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine
It was suddenly stunning to her, how one action could drop a veil that had been hanging for so long. All she wondered is how it hadn't happened before. Because she knew that as much as she had loved John for all these years, she didn't like him any more. At all. In fact she disliked the shallow, self-obsessed man he had become.
"I don't know how you can say that," John was astonished. She had pledged always to be there for him, to support him through his search. He couldn't understand the words that were coming from her now.
"I can say it because it's *true*." She shook her head. "I would do *anything* for you. I gave up my marriage and my family, I lost *months* of my life at the hands of the DiMera's and it was *all* for you. And you couldn't even see your way to making *one* lousy dinner for *my* sake."
"I thought you understood that I promised Greta…" he was starting to get angry himself.
"Oh I understand," she shook her head, her anger blossoming into an unchecked fury. "Believe me, I understand only too well."
"And what is *that* supposed to mean?"
"Well, why don't you tell me John?" her hands went to her hips defiantly as she faced him. "Why don't you tell me how you promised to marry me, but Greta suddenly takes precedence? Why don't you tell me how the little girl you raised is being tried for murder and could be sent to the gas chamber, and yet you can't even be bothered to show up at the trial to at least make a *show* of support. And why don't you tell me how you promised me that I would never have to bear the load on my own again and that's all I've been doing since?"
I know from the outside
We looked good for each other
Felt things were going wrong
When you didn't like my mother
John said nothing. He couldn't believe she didn't understand how important this search was, what it meant to all of them.
"Well it seems you're not going to participate in this conversation, just like every other aspect of this relationship. Although I don't know why I expected any different." She felt like throwing something at him, maybe that would shake him out of his smugness. "If you wanted a phone-in relationship, you should have warned me first," she said, "I think I would have been otherwise engaged."
"I don't know what you want from me Marlena," his voice was cold she noted and it only made her angrier. He really didn't understand at all.
"I want commitment," she said in a strong, clear voice, "I want loyalty, I want someone who thinks of me and us before they think of themselves. What I *don't* want," she looked him in the eye, "is to be your doormat. Not any longer."
"I *do* think of you," he protested.
"Only when it *suits* you," she spat back. "You think of me when you come to bed and want sex. You think of me when you want a shoulder to cry on. You know," she shook her head, her eyes glittering with the pain, "I used to think I was the most important thing in your life. I guess that delusion was rudely shattered tonight." When she wiped away the tears, John felt the first twinge of guilt. This wasn't mere insecurity.
I don't want to hate but that's
All you've left me with
A bitter aftertaste and fantasy of
How we all could live
She shook her head again. He suddenly reminded her of a small boy who so badly wanted the toy. But two minutes after as he got it, he was bored and wanted to move onto the next toy. She wondered if this man had always lurked inside the man she loved. This selfish, ungrateful bore.
And the worst thing was, all this time, she had dreamed of how it could be. And she had sustained herself with that. And now she felt like a fool.
No regrets
They don't work
No regrets
They only hurt
Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine
"Doc, sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you," he shook his head, hoping that his words could mend some of these bridges he seemed to have unknowingly broken.
"You're putting all our lives at risk John," she shook her head. "Sorry doesn't cut it any more. Sami could be sentenced to death, *you* of anyone should know how she's feeling now. I would have thought you would be there supporting her every step of the way."
"You know I would be Doc, but I can't be in two places at once," he shook his head hopelessly.
"No, so you made your decision, and it was to spend your time with *Greta*," the name was cloaked in resentment and dislike. "You know," she brushed past John aiming for her glass of water on the nightstand. "I really should thank that girl for showing me where your priorities really lay." She never made it to the bed as John caught her arm as she passed him.
"C'mon Doc," he shook his head, his eyes soft. "You know you don't mean that." He lifted his hand to her cheek.
"I *do* mean it," she said dangerously as she pushed his hand away.
"Sweetheart," he tried again.
"Get your hands *off* me," she shoved him away angrily, knowing exactly what he was up to. He thought if he could get her back to bed she would forget all about her anger. And in that moment she began to loathe him.
Remember the photographs (insane)
The ones where we all laugh (so lame)
We were having the time of our lives
Well thank you it was a real blast
"Marlena, this is *crazy*," his anger exploded as he ran out of ways to deal with this situation. "Baby, we shouldn't be fighting."
"What's *crazy*," she pulled the robe more tightly around her, "is that I let myself be duped for so long." An ironic smile brushed her lips. "They say love is blind you know. They forget to tell you it's deaf and dumb too." The smile remained as she let her mind dawdle back through some forgotten memories. Memories of how it had once been. The way she had been kidding herself that it could be again. Except that it hadn't. Since she had come back, all he had gifted her was pain.
"Look, I'm sorry I missed dinner. I didn't realize it was *that* important to you," he ran his fingers through his hair, "but I don't think there's any need for you to be deliberately hurtful."
"Oh believe me, if I wanted to be deliberately hurtful, you'd know about it," her voice was icy. "But quite frankly it's not worth my time. Since you don't seem to be able to grasp the fact that this isn't about dinner, that dinner was only the last straw I really don't think there's any point in continuing this conversation."
"Well finally we agree on something," John sounded relieved. "I'm sure you'll feel better after a good sleep."
"I'm sure I will too," Marlena watched in disbelief as John walked to the bed. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Going to sleep."
No regrets
They don't work
No regrets
They only hurt
Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine
"Um, I don't think so," she shook her head. He watched her walk to the wardrobe in confusion but an icy tendril of dread clutched at him as she pulled out a suitcase.
"Doc?"
"Mmmm?" she dumped the small case on the sofa and opened it up.
"Doc, please don't leave baby, there's no need for this." He couldn't believe that it would actually come to this, that she would walk out on him. Over Greta.
"Oh no," she shook her head with a forced laugh, "you misunderstand John. *You're* leaving. I'm throwing you out."
Everything I wanted to be
Everytime I walked away
Everytime you told me to leave
I just wanted to stay
Everytime you looked at me and
Everytime you smiled
I felt so vacant you treat me like a child
"Doc, you can't, you can't throw me out." He watched her go to his drawers in disbelief as he could only stare as she brought armfuls of clothes and dumped them in the bag. When she deemed she had enough she closed up the case and snapped the locks shut.
"I can John and I am," she said bitterly. "You see you've already left in everything but body. I'm sitting around here waiting for something that's never going to happen. I need something you can't give me. I've tried to convince myself up until now that it would be okay. But that's never going to be the case. *You* come first in your life and everyone else has to take a backseat." She picked up the bag and carried it to where he stood in stunned disbelief. "Well, I'm not willing to take a number any more John. Belle and Brady and I are more important than that, even if you don't understand it." She slammed the case into his chest, sending him backwards with the impact.
"Yes John," she replied to the unspoken realization in his eyes. "I *am* serious. It's a pity you couldn't grasp that fact six months ago."
"Marlena, I..." he shook his head, trying to find the words that would salve her pain, make her understand that he would do anything to stop this. "Baby, I'll give up the search, we'll get married, anything you want. Baby, please," the tears welled in his eyes as the enormity of the situation suddenly and finally dawned on him, "just please don't do this."
I loved the way we used to laugh
I loved the way we used to smile
"John," she tried to cut in on him, but he was babbling. Patiently she waited for him to finish. "It's too late."
"No!," he shook his head, tears streaking his reddened cheeks, "no, you're wrong Marlena, I swear to you you're wrong. You, you and the children are the most important things in my life."
"John," her voice became firm and it held a touch of irritation. "Please, don't. Don't waste your breath. It's dead. What we had it's gone. We just have accept that fact and move on."
"You don't know what you're saying," he shook his head desperately. "Marlena, I *love* you. You mean everything to me. Without you I'm nothing."
"I'm sorry," she shook her head. "I can't go on like this. So I'm asking you to leave. I'm not going to change my mind so don't waste any more breath. I'm sure you're going to need it all for Greta anyway," that parting shot she knew wasn't called for, but it was born out of her bitterness.
John could only look at her, unable to come to terms with the fact that it had come to this. Quietly she picked up his clothes from the floor and handed them to him.
"Please," she said quietly, "just go."
She watched, strangely detached, as he pulled on his jeans and t-shirt. He never took his eyes off her as he dressed, hoping against hope that she was bluffing, but deep down knowing that she wasn't. Finally, when he couldn't put it off any longer he picked up the bag.
"I know that you feel that you have to do this," he said quietly, "but I'm never giving up on us. I'll be nearby and all you'll ever have to do is say the word."
"Don't make promises you can't keep," she felt a pain deep in her chest and she swallowed. She wouldn't be calling him. If she couldn't trust him to be there, how could she trust him for anything else? She followed him to the door and down the landing. Standing there in her white negligee she looked like an angel as John allowed himself one last glance before he left the penthouse.
Marlena sighed with relief and with an odd sense of peace, she went back to her bedroom.
Often I sit down think of you for a while
Then it passes me by and I think of
Someone else instead
Climbing into bed, she hugged the comforter around her. The bed felt empty, but oddly, it felt less empty than when John had been in it. For now she had a choice. She had known, without any doubt that spending life with John would mean spending it fairly much alone.
And if she was going to be alone, she thought, she may as well make the most of it.
Turning over, she closed her eyes.
I guess the love we once had is
Officially dead