I think I'm losing my mind.
Sometimes it feels that way anyway. Recently it's felt that way a lot.
I've known for a long time that he was lying, but I chose to ignore it. Chose to tell myself that I was wrong, that I know this man I have married almost better than I know myself. Chose to tell myself that he would never lie to me, that he would never betray me.
How is it that I can be so wrong? How is it that I, a trained professional could not see the signs that were so screamingly evident? How could my judgment be that lacking, that I could not see what was right in front of my eyes?
I feel as though my world is spinning out of my grasp, that I can't make sense of anything that is happening around me. I feel like the audience of some garish pantomime, but I'm watching myself as a participant who cannot control her own destiny. My part is written in some cosmic script and I have no choice but recite the words that are demanded of me.
I wonder where it was that I went wrong. Was it that I was a failure as a mother? Was it not seeing the changes in John that were so destructive? Was it not seeing the danger of ‘Gina'? Or do the roots lie further back?
I wonder why it is, when I have all the answers in my job, that I have none when it comes to my own life. I feel as though the past ten years have been a series of terrible mistakes. Granted, some more damaging than others, but so many of them I wonder, if I had only had better judgment, how differently might things have turned out.
Laura once told me I am too trusting. That I choose to see the good in people rather than view them from a basis of suspicion. I used to think that was a good thing. Now I find myself seriously questioning my own choices and my own ability to judge those situations and people around me.
When I can't even tell that my own husband is changing before my eyes, it begets very serious questions. When he is suddenly a man I no longer recognize, I must question when it was that I lost track of him. Or ask the question that lingers like a sour taste. Did I ever really know him at all?
And it is only the last, albeit most terrifying, in a long string of misjudgments. Where was my professional acumen when Gina convinced me she was Hope? Why did I not see through her mask of pretended sanity? Why did I not see when Hope became Gina. When she took my husband for her own, why was I so ignorant of the dangers?
And still the trail twists back through my life. Susan Banks. Kristen Blake. Samantha, my own daughter. Stella Lombard. Good Lord, how many more misjudgements have I made that I don't even know about? How many lives have I unwittingly destroyed with my blind faith in the goodness of humanity?
And John wonders, no, demands to know why it is that I can't see Brady is not a danger. Wonders why I am being ‘irrational' when it comes to a young man that I barely recognize any more, a young man who is so irrational himself that he seems to be drowning in hatred for those who love him the most.
Doesn't John understand how terrifying it is to have your world turned upside down, to not understand *anything* any more? I would have thought if anyone would understand it would be him. But it seems that only proves my point.
All I know is that I cannot let anyone else get hurt because of my own failings. Especially not Belle. I have seen so much hatred *after* the fact. Once a tragedy has occurred and you can no longer refute the reality, it's rather hard *not* to see it.
Gina, Kristen, Stella… this time I simply cannot take the risk of not seeing it *before* the fact. If I don't…. well, the consequences terrify me.
……
Maybe John is right. Maybe I'm focusing on the dangers Brady reperesents because I don't want to think about his betrayal and his lies and the consequences for us. Maybe it's just too painful.
It is too painful, I know that.
I can't even bear to think of it, can't bear to know that he made love to another woman, that he was unaware that I even existed. Surely, somewhere deep inside him, he should have known. If our love is as strong, as encompassing as I thought it was, then he should have known.
But what is worse, what cuts me to the soul is the lies. I asked him time and time again what was wrong. Asked him if he knew anything about what happened during that horrible time. Asked him if he knew anything about the father of Hope's baby. And each time I asked, he responded with a lie, not trusting me enough to share with me the hell that he was suffering. Not putting enough faith in the strength of our love to bring his doubts to me so that we could face the truth together.
If he was half the man I thought he was, if the bond of our love was really as strong as I had believed, he would have told me. We would have faced anything together. To know that he believes none of these things is enough to break my heart.
So yes, it is too painful. Yes, I am scared. For myself, for Belle, for Brady. Most of all, I'm scared for John. He's such a stranger to me today. I don't understand the things that come from his mouth, don't understand the anger and the words of hatred. I feel as if I'm staring into the eyes of a stranger that wears my lover's face and I simply feel numb.
I am at a loss. Everything I know is gone. Everything I believed in has been shattered in a few short, excruciating hours. I don't trust myself and I sure as hell don't trust anyone else. I don't know anything anymore. I just don't know.
I think I'm losing my mind.