I felt so ill before I walked in here. I almost chickened out. Imagine that, a grown woman flying two thousand miles only to fail at the last hurdle. I was standing in front of the restaurant and the thought of seeing him raised such painful and passionate memories, I was paralysed for a moment.
And then, as I stepped through the door, all the questions I have been torturing myself with, just fell away. The way he looked at me as I walked toward him.... Oh, she was right, Belle was right. He still feels for me. And oh my God, I still love him. With every breath I love him.
Belle kissed me and left. It is so wonderful to see her sweet face again, but she is right, there is plenty of time. I think, our whole lives....
His hands are trembling as they hold mine across the table. Or is it mine? I cannot tell where he ends and I begin as we stare at each other.
"Marlena." The sound of my name falls from his lips and I want to catch it with my own. I want to see if he feels the way I remember, if he tastes as sweet. But I can't. Not yet.
He stares at me, the icy sapphire of his gaze laying my secrets bare with its provocative intensity. I feel as though the breath has been sucked from my body as I try to formulate some kind of response. Oh, God, what he can do to me with just a glance....
She's even more dazzling than in my memories. The camera just doesn't do her justice. It can't can it? I mean, how can it capture the depth of the beauty of her soul? Or that certain way her eyes shine when she's looking at her children?
She's dressed all in white. Her gown is some flimsy fabric that almost floats around her. I'd wonder if I was dreaming, she looked so like an angel as she crossed the room, but for the warmth of her skin against mine.
I look at her, and oddly, it is like looking into a mirror. I see the same lines of grief, the same sadness in her eyes that lives in mine. Or maybe *lived* would be more accurate, for if she is really back.... I almost don't want to dare to wish...
Oh, but those eyes... Gold that lights the stairway to her heart and soul. Beckoning me to climb in and take what was once mine...
Can I do it again? Can I risk loving this beautiful, glorious creature? This sweet, wild, living contradiction? Her lips flicker at the corners as if she knows what I am thinking. God, can I risk *not* loving her...?
"Doc." My own voice sounds foreign to me, as though a stranger has taken up residence inside me. Although, I wonder if it is *me* that has been the stranger for so long.
"Why?" I need to know, I need to hear it from her before I can believe what ever nerve and every heartbeat is telling me.
"Why?" She repeats my question with a quizzical air and I find myself hanging off her single word. Hell, she has a way of making a simple word sound like a symphony. "Why now?"
"Why at all?" My chest is pounding with hope and fear. She's so close now, but still a world of words separates us.
She thinks for a few minutes but her fingers tighten around mine.
"Let me show you why." He looks at me with puzzlement as I stand up.
"But... what about dinner?" he asks me. I think he's confused by my sudden change of plans. I guess there's so much we don't know about each other any more. SO much we have to re-explore and re-learn.
"I'm not hungry anymore." And truly, I'm not. Excitement and nervousness tangle in my stomach and they leave no room for thoughts of hunger.
He raises those expressive eyebrows and nods. His hand and mine are still linked, even as he stands and I shiver as he comes close.
"Cold, Doc?" His voice is so casual, but his eyes glitter intensely as I shake my head. This is all so familiar, and yet, so strange. And part of me is dancing intimately with fear. The fear of risking everything I am for this man, yet again. But I look at him and my heart soars and I know the greater risk is in not loving him.
For if I'm honest, I've barely been living for years. Functioning, yes. Making it through the day? Barely. But happy? I think I had forgotten what happiness is. Until I saw his face again.
But still, there is so much to work out.
And yet, for now I am just content to listen to my heart and act entirely from it. It's been numb for too long, this is almost a new sensation. An awakening of sorts. I think I understand now, after all these years, exactly what he meant that night at Titan. It all began with one man who woke up. Well I'm *awake*. I feel as though I have finally woken from an interminable nightmare. One of those monochromatic dreams that you can't quite remember, you only know you're so glad it's over. And walking through that door and seeing his face... there's colour and emotion and excitement.... and there's love. My heart might have been asleep, but it hasn’t forgotten how to love him.
"Here?" His eyes reflect the immense vastness of the dark night sky and he looks around him.
"It's where we always start, isn't it?" The pier creaks and groans its familiar welcome around us and the fog wraps us in its moist embrace.
"Is that what you want?" Hope and despair tremble inside his words and I can see the need in him. The need that has always been in him.
His hand feels warm as I take it in mine. Nothing about his hands has changed. I know every inch of them intimately and they know every inch of me. Part of me wonders how we can be such strangers when we are two halves of the same whole. But I know the answer to that better than anyone. Even a soul can be divided by evil.
Memories battle to be the first to float to the top of my consciousness but as I look at him, the fears melt away. We have been through so much and somehow we simply lost sight of the one thing that really matters.
Us.
But tonight, here, I can feel it again. The love we share *is* something special. Something so powerful that I can no longer pretend that I can live without it.
She trembles, I think it is with nerves, as she lifts my hand to her body, pressing it against the warm fabric of her dress.
"Can you feel it?" Her balmy whisper wraps around me, encompassing me, taking possession of me. Beneath my fingers I can feel her heart beating, a rhythm that my own pulse echoes.
Without her, I am nothing. Just seeing her again is enough to prove that to me.
"Does that tell you why?" Her words are bewitching as she takes a step towards me. She's so close now, I can feel the warmth of her, can hardly resist the temptation to touch her. But she still holds my hand against her and I simply nod. "John... I don't know where we go from here. I only know that I need you...." her eyes glimmer and I realise with a start that she is crying.
It brings back so many painful emotions that my first instinct is to turn and run. To know that I could hurt her again, that I could bring tears to those beautiful golden eyes... Loving her almost bears too much of a responsibility. But how do I not love her when she holds my heart in her hand? And I hold hers in mine.
"I need you," she repeats. "I thought I could make it on my own. I mean, I'm an independent woman, right?" I'm strong and capable...."
"You're the strongest woman I've ever known, Doc." My voice catches in my throat as the lights shimmer as ghostly reflections on her cheeks.
"And yet, I couldn't make anything work. And every day it just seemed to get worse." She looks so vulnerable as she stands before me in that magical half-light that only exists in this place. "John, I tried to ignore it, tried to deny it, but the truth is that I don’t feel like I'm really *living* without you. I've just been so tired and numb inside and I've been trying to convince myself that everything's fine but really, I've just been hollow."
She looks so scared that my immediate instinct is to pull her into my arms and comfort her. But I don’t know where the line is here. I can't take the risk of crossing it before she defines it. And maybe now is not the time for actions. Maybe it is time for the words that she should have heard five years ago. The words I should have said to her when she walked out of our house and never came back. Dammit, the words I should have said long before it ever got to that point.
"It's okay baby," I turn my hand and close my fingers around hers. "You don't have to explain it to me, I know it all and much, much more." I lay our hands against my own chest. "I've felt it in here every day since you left. It's been so lonely without you..."
She looks down at the boards beneath our feet, the ancient wood solid and worn. When she looks up, her eyes sparkle with tears and I share her long years of loneliness and pain as her tears trickle onto pale cheeks.
God, I love her beyond life and time itself. I'd give anything if I could just take her pain away and make her smile again. I'd sacrifice anything. I only wish I'd realized that before all this came to pass.
"I'm sorry," her voice trembles like a new leaf shuddering in the breeze.
"Sorry?" What does she have to be sorry about? *I'm* the one that's sorry, that regrets every stupid, idiotic move I ever made.
"I should have come back sooner," a pause and her hazel eyes find mine. "I never should have left."
"Marlena." Oh God, I ache that she blames herself like this. I want so badly to erase her pain, to shelter and protect her from ever feeling that kind of agony again. How can I make her understand that this was *never* her fault. It was all *his* and it was mine for believing him, for not standing up for this woman that means all the world to me.
It was a hard lesson to learn. A lesson with consequences for all of us. But mostly for her. She had no choice but to leave her home and her friends to make a new life for herself. I drove her to that. I drove her to seek a life where there was no-one to cause her the kind of pain I have caused her. "Sweetheart, I have wanted so long to talk to you, simply so I could tell you I'm sorry. And now you think *you* should apologize?"
Footsteps sound behind me and I pray that it is no-one that we know. I need this time with her. I need to tell her what is in my heart. I fear if I don't do it now, I'll never get another chance.
"John," there is discomfort in her eyes as she tries to pull her hand from mine. But there is one thing we both know. It is easy enough to separate ourselves physically, but far harder to disentangle our hearts.
"Doc, just let me speak. *Please*."
The stranger hurries past, barely sparing a glance for either of us in the dimly lit theatre of the old pier. For how is he to know that the next few minutes will change my life forever?
The pier is quiet again except for the sound of my heart as it thumps against the wall of my chest with nervous expectation.
"Since you've been gone, Marlena, everything's been wrong. I wake up in the morning and everything is empty. The bed, the house... my heart. Some mornings I just lie there and stare at your side of the bed and I don't even know how I can face the day."
His hands are warm over mine but I still shiver at the keen anguish that slips out between his words.
"John," my view of him smears with tears that suddenly swim on the precipice of my lashes. I need to stop the words, stop the pain that suddenly rears between us. I'm no longer sure I can do this.
"Let me finish," he pleads with me. "Please Doc, let me finish. I need to say this to you." And how can I tell him no? How can I refuse him? I've never been able to, much less now.
I nod and the new tears make their mad dash along paths recently navigated.
"Please, don't cry baby," he whispers plaintively. "I can't bear to see you cry."
"I can't help it." My voice seems to be swallowed up by the river mist and I can only stare at him helplessly.
"What's worse than not having you here, not being able to be with you and hold you is knowing that it's all my fault that you left."
"It wasn't-" I shake my head but his hand tightens around mine and he looks at me, dark eyebrows low over desperate eyes.
"It *was* my fault and we both know it." His voice is scoured with guilt but I can't offer him any comfort because he *is* right. "I know how much he hurt you. I know because he told me. The little bastard actually stood there with a smirk on his face and told me all the rotten vile things he'd said and done to you. And all that time, I stood up for him. I took his side over yours and I was vile and rotten to you too."
The memories start to flood back, all the harsh moments between us, all the cruel, hurtful words and I feel dizzy for a moment. God, I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I have the strength to relive those moments that were such torture for me.
"I don't want to talk about this." My whisper is barely audible but John shakes his head.
"Doc, we *have* to talk about it. I need to make things right with you. God, I was so horrible to you, I was such a *asshole*, I can't expect you to walk back into my life and act as though nothing happened." I'm crying again and I swipe at the tears with trembling fingers but it's useless. "I hurt you so badly you had to fly clear across the country to get away from me and I have had to live with knowing that I did that. But the thing is, so have you and I'm not sure that I have the right to ask you to forgive me for what I did to you. And to us."
He is quiet for a moment and he looks down at the wood beneath our feet. Underneath it, the water laps, constantly moving onward. Like we must move if we are to survive.
He looks up at me and I see tears have cut silvery ribbons over his cheeks. "I don't know how it happened Doc. I don’t have any excuses. But I've lived with the memory of the pain in your eyes the day you left for the last four years. And I've lived with the pain of living without you and I just can't do it any more."
"You don't have to ask." With a step closer to him, I can almost feel the heat of his body against mine. Skittish fingers reach up to his face. They are still damp and on contact, my own tears meld with his. "I wouldn't have come back if you had to ask John."
"Doc..." I think he is afraid to touch me because he does not move so much as a muscle. I know it isn't because he doesn't want to. "It can't be that easy. Too much happened..."
I smooth the plane of my palm across his cheek and wipe away the lingering moisture.
"It's only as hard as we make it, honey."
God, I want him to touch me. I've come so far, but still, there is a final barrier between us and I need to tear it down before we can truly find our way home.
"It's over. We lost too much time because of Brady. Don't let him take any more from us." I lift my hand from his chest. His eyes are a dusky navy and I let myself drift into his hypnotic gaze as his fingers weave between mine. "John, we can talk about what happened later," I whisper. "But it's in the past. I want to leave it there. At least for tonight. I know I need you and you need me. Isn't that all we need to know for now?"
Those amber eyes. They've haunted my dreams. They've followed me for so long it's hard to believe they are real. And now they are pleading with me. To forget about the past? Hell, I'd love nothing more than to wipe out the past as though it didn't exist. But can we really do that? Can all the wrongs of the past be mended by a few simple words? I don't think so.
And yet... her skin is so soft against my fingers...
"Oh Doc..." My skin tingles where it touches her and I simply can't help myself. My fingertips skim across her cheekbone and down to her chin. My God, she's just as beautiful now as she was the day I met her.
"It's me John," her lips move under my touch and her words swim into my consciousness and engulf me. "I'm just as real as I was all those years ago. I've come home and there's nothing standing between us any more."
Oh God, I want so much to believe her, to trust that she is right. The problem is that it is myself that I don’t trust. I don’t trust that I will not hurt her again. But if I were to walk away now.... I might well destroy her. And I would certainly destroy myself.
"I love you, Marlena." Her own hand slides around to the back of my neck and I find myself succumbing to her persuasiveness. As if there was ever any question that I could deny her what she asks. "I've always loved you. I'll love you until forever." My heart feels like it's going to hammer through my ribcage, "I'll never ever stop loving you, you need to know that."
"I do know that." Her smile lights up the whole pier, actually the whole damn river. For me her smile is like fireworks in July after a winter of mind-numbing discontent. "I've always known that. That's why it was so hard...."
"Doc," I whisper, but I do not finish the thought.
"Shhhh," she hushes me, so close now that my senses are completely engulfed by her. "No more words, my love. No more..."
Her lips cover mine, soft and warm and her body cleaves to mine as I feel her arms around me. My moan is smothered to a noiseless fizzle as I give in to her, my own hands sliding over still remembered curves, wanting and needing more of her with each moment that passes.
"John," she murmurs against my mouth. "Take me home. Take me home and show me how good we can be."
I awake with a start, the phone jangling by my ear as I rouse myself from my stupor. Rolling over, I find her side of the bed empty. Undisturbed.
It is only then that I realize the truth. It was only an elaborate trick that my tired, addled mind has played on me. She was never in Salem. We were never at the pier. She never came home with me and spent all night laughing and making love....
She's never coming home. She's never forgiving me for destroying her life and our dreams. Some say never say never, but right now I feel as though there is nothing left but never.
The phone still shrills in my ear, but as I reach for it, it falls oddly silent. I let my head fall back to the pillow but there is an uncomfortable feeling growing in my chest. It feels persuasively like despair.
I can't spend another moment in this bed with the memories of her wreathing me in misery and need. I can't look at her side of the bed and not need to touch her, to smell her scent.
On the way to the door, I stop and look back at the bedroom. Nothing has changed. *Nothing*. I am frightened that if I change things, I will start losing her memory. That I will forget the way she looks when she tilts her head to look at me. That I will forget the way her eyes shine. That I will forget the way it feels to be loved by her. That I will forget who *I* am.
I can hear Belle's voice as I near the landing and then....
My heart is torn in two by her screams and my feet barely touch the ground as I reach the bottom of the stairs. She is sobbing in Mimi's arms, utter terror and despair etched on her young, innocent face.
"Belle," Mimi releases her and I gather her up in my arms. "Isabella, sweetheart, what's happened?"
She's incoherent, she can only struggle for breath and continue to sob and my own apprehension grows. It seems like an eternity before Mimi picks up the phone from the floor and hands it to me.
Entrusting my anguished daughter to her care, I lift the phone to my ear.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is that Mr. Black?"
"Yes, it is." My heart is in my mouth as I speak. I feel as though my tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth it is so dry. "What's going on? What did you say to my daughter....?" A terrible sense of dread is unfurling inside my gut, creeping into the corners of my soul to blacken and scar it.
"I'm sorry Mr. Black," the disembodied voice on the other end tells me. "My name is Andrews. I'm with the police in Redmond. I'm calling about your wife, Dr. Marlena Evans."
Those words chill me to my very heart. Time slows to a laboured creep and everything in my body stops working. My heart does not beat. My lungs do not pump. My blood does not flow. I am inert. Disabled. And on the verge of a destruction that I cannot even comprehend.
"What about my wife?" My throat feels as though its being scored by dozens of razors as I force the words between clenched teeth. I don't want to hear his answer. I want to go back to sleep and dream that she is here with me, lying in my arms, laughing at....
I hear his voice telling me that Marlena was "involved in an automobile accident. A car driving directly into her, head-on." And then the words that tear out my heart. "She died at the scene."
I am left numb and bleeding inside as he talks. "She was on her way to the airport..... all she had on her was a letter from her daughter.... and a one way ticket to Salem." His voice drones on as I stare at nothing, my hand growing icy and anaesthetised. "...tracked down.... called the airline... so sorry...."
I don't even hear him anymore as my arm drops uselessly and the phone clatters to the floor once again. I barely even hear my daughter's cries. I am nothing. I am lost and everything around me grows heavy and blurred....
So there it is. What I knew, even without knowing. An end to everything I have ever recognized and the beginning of a personal oblivion that will swallow me whole.
There is nothing left inside me. No warmth. No light. No love.
There is nothing left but never.
Forever.
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