Eyes. I used to know those eyes. They spoke to me, revealed secrets, filled my heart. Blue, brilliant and searing. The colour of the ocean, innocent under smooth skies.
No more. Now they are eyes of a stranger. Grey like the sullen sky that longs for the first breath of spring. Now they only keep me at bay. Keep secrets. Deny truth. Deny everything.
I know he lies. I feel it, deep inside of me everytime he utters those words. It comes like a hot knife, slicing through my viscera. Wounding intimately. Invisibly.
And the worst? He doesn't even know. He no longer cares to see, too wrapped up in himself to notice my pain. His eyes miss my hazel echo of grief; forgo the truth to foster the lie.
I hate what I have become. What we have become. The lies sully everything. The truth sullies everything.
But I need him too much to fight it. Too much invested, too much lost to turn away now. And so, when he turns me away from the truth, I let him. I'm too afraid of the truth, of what it represents to us.
The cornerstones of what we were - truth, trust, honesty - now lie crumbled, like so much sand on a distant shore. Eyes averted, no longer intimate. Somewhere, we lost each other and the lies began. And we lost more.
Oh I know it. I know the truth; I just choose not to see it. Choose to let his lips wipe away all thought. Choose to save myself. Weak I know, but to be honest, the thought of giving up is far more painful. I need him too much. He’s part of my soul, part of the threads that bind my life into the tapestry it is. Without him, I would unravel.
And yet, sometimes I don't even know who we are any more. Strangers, with stranger's eyes, dancing a familiar dance but no longer knowing the steps.
But his touch is still the one truth I can still believe in. It is the one constant between us and I know it has the power to save us. And so I hold on, trying to believe, trying to trust, but knowing that you can't trust a lie. Contradictions are a way of life now.
So I fight to keep the desperation from my own eyes. Wait for him to find his way back to me. Wait to see again the eyes I once knew. Blue, brilliant and searing. Wait to find the truth gazing back at me from the azure depths of forever.
But will it be too late? Will the lies and my part in fostering them destroy the truth between us? Would the truth be half as damaging? I no longer know. I only know I can't separate my heart from his.
And so I wait for a glimpse of blue. I wait for the eyes of a lover and I wonder if I finally see them, will they offer deliverance, or damnation?