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The Question

Her cat-like eyes flashed as she pulled him aside.
"Just be quiet and listen," she hissed. "There is group of us that are willing to help you. But you have to play the role."
"I don't understand...." Q appeared confused.
"We don't agree with the Continuum's insistence that you mend this 'so-called' ruptured time-line." She smiled a sly and flirty smile. "There are those among the Continuum that admire you Q, your willingness to stand up for what you believe in. We want to help you, we do not want to see your efforts lost." Her face took on a serious cast. "There is only so much we can do, but we believe if you can get back to Earth, we can shield your true intentions. If you are willing to leave, we can hide you, and the woman if you choose, wherever you wish to go."
"Why?" Q looked at the woman with curiosity. "Why would you do this for me?"
"Because we like you Q," she smiled, showing a row of beautifully white teeth. "You've piqued our interest, and that's not so easy to do. And besides," her look became personal, "I can't believe *anybody* deserves to be stuck with this John Black person."

Q looked mildly surprised at that comment but his attention was captured by more important matters.
"What if I say that I only want to return to do what the Continuum ask of me?" his manner was uneasy.
"That is your decision of course." She shrugged her slim shoulders. "But we will not be able to help you if you fail again. Do you really think you will be able to keep away from *her*?" She looked disbelieving. When Q did not answer, she smiled maliciously. "I thought not."
"If I agree," Q said suddenly, eyeing the group of Q that stood to the side of them, talking amongst themselves. "If I agree, what would I have to do?"
"Be convincing," her lilting voice was oddly calming. "You want to go back because you realize you have a task to do. Make them believe you, we will do the rest."

Q looked at her for a moment. She reminded him of a lioness, beautiful but deceptively dangerous. He wasn't sure if he could trust her, but he guessed that at this moment, he had no choice. As he turned to agree, a ripple passed through the Continuum. It was a ripple of energy, of light and sound, and of knowledge. Suddenly, he felt like an outsider in his own home. Except that it wasn't his home any more. Not if he made the decision she was asking him to make.

She looked at him, a smirk on her face.
"We may not have too much convincing to do," she flipped the short blonde bob with a shake of her head. "Your answer?" Q silently nodded his head. He would give up anything to get back to Marlena.

******

Marlena counted the rickety steps down to the pier as she trod them. Shivering, she looked out over the murky water, wrapping her arms around her to ward off the chill. The water lapped at the old wooden piles, a comfortingly familiar sound. It was a sound and a place that evoked old memories, memories with Roman, and John, and with Eugene. Even with Don.

Too many memories. She had too much of her past tied up with this place. So many good things had happened, but so many bad things too. Sometimes she just wondered if it would be best to leave Salem, to go somewhere new and start again. Somewhere where she wasn't haunted by the memories and the mistakes she had made.

"Marlena?" a familiar voice made her turn.
"Oh Abe, hi." She managed a small smile. "How are you?"
"I could ask you the same thing." His gaze was piercing and she turned away.
"I'm fine," she said in a thin voice that felt as though it were foreign to her.
"If you don't mind me saying so, you don't look fine," Abe laid his hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong Marlena?"
"Oh Abe," she wanted so badly to be strong, but he had caught her offguard. "Abe everything is such a mess."
"Woah," he wrapped his strong arms around her as she began to cry.

Finally, when she stopped crying, he fished out a handkerchief and handed it to her. "Here," he said softly, leading her to sit on a wooden bench. "Now, why don't you tell me what's going on?" Marlena wiped her eyes and looked up at him.
"I...I can't really tell you," she shook her head. "Not right now anyway."
"Is it John?" Abe probed. Marlena pressed her lips together and nodded.
"Partly."
"What *is* going on with you two?" he asked gently. He had heard the rumors but he wasn't about to believe them fourth or fifth hand.
"Nothing," her voice was hoarse and it drifted down to a pained whisper. "Abe we can't even spend five minutes in the same room any more without getting into an argument."

Abe pursed his lips for a moment and squeezed her hand.
"Why don't you go back and talk to him," he suggested quietly, correctly assuming that was what had happened.
"I can't," Marlena shook her head firmly. "Abe," she shook her head her stomach churning, "some of the things we said...."
"All the more reason you should go back," he was persistent. "You need to sort this out Marlena."
"No Abe," she was adamant. "You don't understand, it's too complicated."
"How can it be too complicated?" Abe demanded a little harshly. "You love him and he loves you."
"Does he?" Marlena shook her head bitterly, "If that's the case, then tell me, why did he move Kristen back into his loft?"
"He moved Kristen back into....?" Abe looked incredulous.
"Yeah, so don't tell me it's not complicated." Marlena stood abruptly, but when she saw his confused expression, she softened a little. "Thanks for trying to help Abe. It's just something I'll have to work out myself I guess." Leaning over, she pressed her lips to his cheek. "Give my love to Lexie won't you?"

Abe nodded and watched her go. Shaking his head he wondered what the hell kind of a mess John had gotten himself into now.

******

"We wish to request that Q be sent back to Earth to act as a mediator between the couple in question," they came again before the council of Q. "We believe that Q is the best equipped to handle this situation. We also believe that it would be unfair to punish him for a situation that is not entirely of his making." She looked around the assembled group, vexation in her eyes. "How is he supposed to do a job without all the facts? Some might say," she raised her eyebrows in the direction of the beautiful redhead, "that you wanted him to fail."

"There is a development," a middle aged woman stepped forward from a group of Q.
"It seems," the old Q said slowly, "that we may have no choice after all."
"What do you mean?" Q's brow wrinkled with bewilderment. When he was part of the Q, he didn't have to ask questions, he simply knew along with all the other Q. However now, he was 'out of the loop', so to speak and he had to try and fathom the meaning of the Q's disjointed communication the best he could, even if they did seem to be taking perverse pleasure in confusing him.

"That Marlena of yours, she's quite a little spitfire," Q2 seemed to be perpetually amused by the situation. "It seems that she and that erstwhile beau of hers have had another falling out. Quite a major one it would seem." He seemed almost gleeful. "It's going to be quite a task to get them back together at this late stage."

Q turned to the now large group assembled around the old Q.
"Please send me back," he begged. "I can talk to her, I can get her to listen. Untie my hands and I can do anything you ask." The old man bit on his lower lip.
"It seems as though you may be the only one she will listen to right now."
"Then let me go back," Q hoped desperately that the renegade faction were keeping their word right now. If the Q knew exactly what he was intending to do, they would never send him back. "Let me tell Marlena why I am there and let me tell her about the babies. I'll tell her everything and she'll have to listen."

The older woman stepped forward and scrutinized Q.
"Are you sincere?" she asked uncertainly.
"I am sincere." Q nodded his head. "I do love Marlena, I admit that freely, but I will do what is best for her. And if you say that is making sure she is with John Black, then that's what I'll do." The need for duplicity rankled somewhat, but it was his only chance.

He waited for some kind of response, but the void was filled with silence for the longest moment. Then the old man pushed himself up from the chair.
"We have come to a decision," he announced.

******

Marlena let herself into the penthouse and closed the door behind her. She looked around the apartment hopefully for a moment and then as the reality of her situation sank in, gloom enveloped her once more. Wandering aimlessly into the living area, she unbuttoned her coat and slipped it off her shoulders before dropping it on the couch. Trying to keep herself occupied, she went into the kitchen and made herself a weak cup of tea. She carried it back into the living room and set it down on the table. Her stomach turned slightly as she sank down onto the sofa, and she dropped her head into her hand. She couldn't go through this alone, not again.

Unwillingly, her mind slipped back to the encounter in John's loft. He had been so incredibly angry with her, and though, to a certain extent she could understand it, mostly she resented it.
"He has no *right*," she whispered weakly a tear slipping from the corner of her eye. She had intended full well to tell him about the baby, but his attack had so whipped up her anger that she had found herself unable to.

Her fists clenched as she remembered his contemptuous words and it provoked her wrath all over again. I sure *hope* you're happy with second-best Marlena. Who the hell was John Black to talk about *second-best*? And not only that but he insulted her and derided Eugene, and then he had the nerve to tell her to leave Kristen out of it. But she couldn't leave Kristen out of it. That woman would be step-mother to her children and the thought made Marlena sick to her stomach.

"Damn you John!" she pressed her fist to her mouth, trying to control the conflicting emotions that warred within her. Looking down she saw the mug of lukewarm tea and it suddenly seemed like the ideal object on which to take out her frustrations. The china mug that John had bought her when she had moved into the penthouse went flying across the room, smashing into smithereens against the yellow wall. The tea dribbled down the wall, soaking into the carpet among the shattered ruins of the floral china. It was though the action broke a dam in Marlena and finally the tears began to flow. Burying her face in her hands, she gave in to the wrenching sobs.

"Hey, hey," a gentle and familiar voice from the sofa next to her. "What's all this about?"
"Gene?" Marlena looked around, not quite able to believe it. Relief flooded her face as she saw him. "Oh Gene," the sobs still came as she spoke, "where did you go?"
"I'm sorry baby," he pulled her into his arms. "The Q took me back for a while. I'll explain it later. Now, do you want to tell me what's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" she looked up at him, her hazel eyes miserable. "You disappeared, I thought I'd never *see* you again."
"You should know by now that I'm not that easy to get rid of," he quipped easily, but seeing that it didn't make her smile his, expression sobered. "But there's more than that. What is it Marlena."
"Oh Gene," she shook her head, batting at her tears with shaking fingers. "Gene it's all messed up."
"How?" he was tender as he wiped away her tears.
"I'm going to have a baby," she sniffed, "John's baby." Q smiled compassionately.
"I know," he nodded his head. "They told me when I was there."
"They did?" her voice was small. "How did they know?"
"They know a lot of things." Q's expression became evasive but Marlena didn't seem to notice.
"Then you don't mind?" she looked almost hopeful as she considered his presence.
"Mind about what?" he shook his head, not understanding.
"That I'm going to have a baby," she swallowed, her heart thumping.
"Oh darling, I don't mind at all." He shook his head with a loving smile and ran his thumb down her cheek.
"Well, good," she seemed almost cheerful, "because I-"

"Marlena," he held up his hand. If he was going to do this, he had to do it fast. "Honey, there's something you have to know."
"What?" The look on his face suddenly had her nervous.
"I-" he took a deep breath, his own nerves sending his stomach fluttering. "Marlena, when the Continuum sent me here, the one thing I was never supposed to do, was to get involved with you. Not romantically."
"Gene I-" she tried to speak but he touched his finger to her lips stilling them.
"Please, let me finish," he nodded carefully trying to pick his words from an emotional minefield.. "I was supposed to get you and John back together, but I rather screwed that up."
"That wasn't *your* fault," Marlena reassured him gently. She knew he had done what he could, it was she and John that had 'screwed that up'.
"Well anyway," Q studied his hands. "They're none too happy with me now. They want to....well," he changed his mind, "it doesn't really matter what they want to do."
"What Gene?" she read correctly the fear in his eyes and she took his hand, her heart thumping. He looked up at her, unwilling to place any more pressure on her than he had to. She had to make this decision based on what she wanted, not what would happen to him.
"They want to punish me," he said quietly, "they want to take me away from here. I'll never see you again."

"Gene no," she shook her head, unable or unwilling to comprehend his words.
"Baby, this is where you have to listen to me," he took her hands in his and looked into her eyes. "I have a chance. A renegade faction of the Q has offered me an opportunity to get away, for us to go away. We can go somewhere far away, and they will hide us. The Q can never find us. You and me, we can start a new life, we can do anything we want, *be* anything we want."
"Gene I...." she shook her head, amazed at his offer, amazed he would risk so much for her. "I don't know what to say."
"Sweetheart, I don't want to pressure you, I know this is a terrible decision to ask you to make right now," he shook his head, the urgency plain in his eyes, "but the truth is, I have very little time. If we're going to go, we have to go as soon as possible."
"If we don't go?" Marlena breathed. "What happens then?"

Eugene shook his head.
"I don't know," he said honestly. "At best we couldn't be together. At worst......" he didn't want to voice that particular fear.
"What would they do to you?" she pressed, needing to know what she was up against. "Honey, I don't know what they intend to do," it wasn't entirely a lie, "but I don't really want to find out either."

"What about the baby?" she bit on her lip as she awaited his answer.
"I'll love the baby as if it were my own," he smiled at the thought. "I could even make it my own if that was what you wanted, a simple strand of DNA, it's no problem. We can take Belle, Brady, anything you want." Marlena was silent for a moment, the implications of his proposal finally starting to sink in. Going away, starting over. Wasn't that what she had just been thinking about? And now it was being offered to her.

"What about the other children?" she asked carefully.
"Honey, I'll do what I can. If you want the kids to come, I'll do anything I can to make that happen." His speech was getting faster, his anxiety growing as the expectation of being snatched away at any moment grew. "Baby I...." He shook his head, not knowing how to convince her. "You know, I can even make you immortal if you want, and the kids too," he reached out and tucked the blonde hair behind her ear. "We can be as happy as we have been, forever. But," he took her hand in his, "you really need to decide now Marlena."

Marlena looked at him, her mind reeling with the ramifications of what her decision would mean. He was willing to give up everything, to give his identity and much of his power away and go into hiding, just so he could be with her. And if she refused him, she had no doubt that the outcome could well be his death. He hadn't said as much but it wasn't hard to read the panic in his eyes. And, after all, she had considered this anyway. Away from all the mistakes she had made, maybe she could put a new life together, leave the hurt and the pain behind and just be happy for once. And she *did* love him.

"It's quite an offer," she volunteered a watery smile. "I..."she tried to say yes, to tell him that she would do it, but suddenly she knew she couldn't. For all the sense it made, for all the temptations, she just couldn't do it. Her home was here in Salem.

She looked up at him sadly.
"Gene I can't," tears filled her eyes. "I can't leave my children and my family. All my friends are here, my life is here in Salem, I can't leave them all." The tears trickled down her face as she watched his hope disintegrate. "There are people that need me Gene, I can't just walk away. Oh God, I really wish I could come with you, I.... I just can't." She searched for a justification, something that would make him understand why she just couldn't do what he was asking, as much as she wanted to. "Honey, I can't ask the children to give up their life here, I can't take them away from their father and their family and I *can't* leave them.... I just can't."

Q watched her, her beautiful eyes pleading with him to understand, and he felt as though he were being torn up inside. He understood only too well.
"And you can't leave John," there was no reproach in his voice, just quiet resignation.
"Gene, no ....that's not true!" She shook her head emphatically, trying to deny his words, but even as she did, she knew it was a lie. Shock registered on her face as she looked at him, her body alive with stress.

"Oh God!" she covered her face with her hands and began to sob as the full impact of what had happened finally hit her. "Oh my God, what have I done?"




Peril

John climbed the steps to the roof of the loft and closed the door behind him. Then silently, he sat down, watching the clouds scudder restlessly across the spring sky. He ran his fingers through his cropped black hair and sighed. This was all he needed, after the stress of moving Kristen into the loft and keeping the truth from Marlena. All he needed was her accusing him of giving up.

"I wasn't the one that gave up this time Doc," he said quietly, his eyes reddening. She really thought that little of him? Thought he'd take Kristen back just because he thought he couldn't have her? Obviously that *was* what she thought. It just showed how little she knew him.

About as little as he knew her he supposed. He didn't understand her anymore. One moment she was playing coy, pretending not to understand and the next she was trying to blame him.

Her biting words rung in his ears. It's really none of your business what I do in my bedroom any more, *is* it? You rather gave that right away when you took Kristen back into your life. He scratched his beard in vexation. Something about that wasn't quite right. Something was out of place but his mind was too chaotic and exhausted to be able to pick it.

"John?" Kristen's voice roused him from his contemplation.
"What?" his voice was short and snippy.
"What are you doing out here baby, you'll catch your death of cold," she came towards him from the doorway, her posture denoting her concern.
"I'm fine," John shrugged her hand off his shoulder in irritation and stood up.
"You don't *look* fine," Kristen raised her eyebrows. "Has something happened John?"
"No," John shook his head, avoiding her eyes. "But I have to go out. I'll be back later."

He didn't even acknowledge her as he left and Kristen fumed as she watched him go. Whatever it was, she would lay money on the fact that it was to do with Marlena. Still, she considered with a smile, his foul mood could only mean that whatever it was, it would probably end up working in her own favour once John had gotten over his fit of pique. She was glad that Peter had warned her about the confrontation between Mike and John at the hospital. It was his impression that whatever was going on had involved Marlena and he had warned her to be vigilant.

She had taken the information to heart and had decided to 'remind' John from time to time that he really couldn't have Marlena any more. And it had seemed her mention of Marlena and Eugene this morning had produced the desired affect. She was going to have to work to keep John's attention on her and away from Marlena, but she knew she could do it. With a satisfied smile, she rubbed her protruding belly.
"We've got your dad just where we want him, haven't we baby."

With a satisfied smile, she made her way back down the stairs.

******

"It's all right," Eugene drew Marlena into his arms, her finding tears and her guilt unbearable. She looked up at him, her eyes red and contrite.
"No Eugene, it's *not* all right." She shook her head emphatically. "It's not all right at all." She began to cry again. "I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you."
"I know that." Strands of her hair were sticking to the moisture on her cheek and he pushed them away gently with his fingers.
"We could," she searched his face desperately, "maybe you could stay here, they..... they wouldn't have to know."

"They'd know," he said gently as he took her hand. "Besides," his eyes held a sheen of sadness as he spoke again. "I can't lie to you Marlena, I do love you. But," he shrugged painfully, "*you* love John, and he's the one you need to be with now."
"But I *do* love you Gene," she was beside herself with the grief she knew she was causing him. "You have to believe that."
"I do believe it," he nodded, his voice even, "but you can't kid yourself any more sweetheart. You know the truth as well as I do."
"No, *no* I don't *want* to know it...."

She tried to turn from him, not wanting to see the pain in his eyes. She couldn't bear this. For all these weeks she had tried to forget about John, she had tried to convince herself that it was over and that she didn't care any more. She had loved and laughed and she'd had wonderful fun with Gene. She had learned to be herself again.

But for all that, she knew now that she hadn't stopped loving John. She had just buried it once again. And however she tried to deny it, she now felt like she had used Gene to forget about John. It had never been conscious, she had persuaded herself to forget about John, she had told herself she was moving on. And she *did* love Gene, she hadn't lied about that, it was just.....

Her voice was deep and filled with self-loathing as she spoke again.
"You must hate me."
"Oh baby, I could *never* hate you," he was amazed that she would think such a thing.
"But you must feel like I *used* you," she wept as he wrapped his arms around her again. "I've been so unfair to you."
"Hey," he managed a smile, "you didn't *use* me. This was something we decided to do together remember? I knew the risks going in," he winked at her, "you forget how well I know you."

She sniffed as he held her against him and he continued.
"I wouldn't change a moment of the last few weeks. I love you, but I want you to be really happy. And I think you'll only be *really* happy when you're with John." She said nothing again and he let his words sink in for a few minutes.

Finally she looked up, but when she did, he was surprised to find it was fear that masked her eyes.
"Then Gene you have to go," she shook her head. "You have to get away from here before they find you."
"Uh-uh," he shook his head forcefully. "I'm not going anywhere."
"But Gene," she pushed away from him, suddenly terrified at what might happen to him if he refused to go. "Won't they be terribly angry when they find out what you tried to do?"
"They might be," he nodded, "but I have to take that chance. You need me and *I* need to know that you will be all right. I can't leave you right now, not alone like this."
"*Gene*," she was insistent. "Please, I don't want anything to happen to you. I couldn't endure the thought that you might be hurt because of me. I couldn't bear that on my conscience too."
"I won't be hurt," he sounded much more confident than he felt. "It'll be okay," he tapped her on the chin with his index finger, "just trust me."

She looked at him, an obstinate set to her mouth as she evaluated his words. It was difficult to know if he was just trying to placate her, or if he was being honest with her. Either way she suspected that even if she argued until she was blue in the face that he would still win.
"And you tell me *I'm* stubborn," she smiled wanly.
"And I'm right too," he chuckled lightly. "Now, I don't think all this stress is good for the baby. You need to rest."
"No, I'm fine," Marlena protested unconvincingly.
"No you're not," Q shook his head. "It's been a long day and you've been through a lot. You need to start looking after yourself and that baby of yours. We can talk more later when you're feeling better."
"I..." she didn't have much energy left to argue with him and finally she nodded her head. "I guess you're right."
"I know I am," he wiped the few lingering tears from her face and kissed her forehead before helping her up. "You go up and lie down, I'll be down here if you need me."

Marlena felt her stomach tighten. A part of her was frightened that if she let him out of her sight, he'd disappear again. She wanted to hold him and kiss him and take away the pain that clouded his eyes, but she couldn't. That would only make things worse. She couldn't ask any more of him than he'd already given. She had hurt him and she didn't want to make things any more difficult for him than they already were.

"Okay," she nodded her head trying to hide her reluctance. Q squeezed her hand then watched her slowly ascend the stairs. When she turned the corner, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He looked around the room, re-acquainting himself with the home he had shared with Marlena and her children for several months now and then he walked to the window.

"Well if you're going to come and get me," he murmured, "you'd better do it now."

******

Carrie pulled her suitcase out from under her bed and began to throw clothes in it. Austin was out and she wanted to be gone by the time he got home. She had left Belle and Brady with Caroline and Shawn, simply telling them Marlena was having a few problems and asking them to check on her when they could. She also had left the name of a friend with them. It was about time Marlena found a new nanny for the kids, and Carrie knew that Lucie would fit the bill perfectly.

Having Belle and Brady in the car on the way over to the pub had only served to increase her conviction that Marlena's advice was the right advice to take. The children were wonderful and Marlena had done an admirable job raising them on their own. If Carrie had to do that with her own child, then she would rather know now than be as miserable as she had for the last few weeks.

She had called Kate as soon as she had made it home, informing her that she would be taking a leave of absence. Kate hadn't sounded too thrilled, but Carrie had made it clear that she was going, whether or not she had a job to come back to. Eventually Kate had reluctantly agreed and Carrie had set about getting her things together.

Opening her closet, she bundled up a few outfits and laid them in the case. It was quickly becoming full and soon she had everything that she thought she might need. She zipped up the suitcase and tucked her passport, checkbook and visa card in her purse. She pulled her jacket quickly off her shoulders and dropped it on the floor. It was followed by her skirt and she pulled on a pair of blue jeans. Teaming it with a cream sweater, she pulled a brush through her hair and gathered it into a ponytail. Then she grabbed a pen and a piece of paper.

Scribbling a quick note for Austin, she signed it and left it on the dresser. Then she picked up her suitcase and her purse. Looking around the apartment once, she pulled the door closed behind her. She had already called a taxi and she rode the elevator down, her heart beating soundly. Outside the front door of the building, the beefy cab driver lifted Carrie's case into the trunk and he closed the door behind her as she climbed into the back seat of the vehicle.

"To the airport please," she said breathlessly as they pulled away.
"The airport huh?" a familiar voice repeated before the driver pulled off his cap. He flashed her a nefarious smile as he looked at her in the mirror. Seeing the blackly malignant eyes staring back at her, Carrie's own eyes widened in shock.


******

Sami stepped off the bus, her backpack biting into her shoulders as she hefted it into a different position. It seemed that every course required her to have the heaviest textbook they could possibly find, and then they all wanted her to bring them on the same day. She thought about going straight home, but that didn't particularly appeal today. She had been studying nonstop lately, it seemed, and she needed a break. The fresh air might do her some good.

Shifting the heavy bag again she decided to swing by the pub in order to see her son and shed her bag. When she got there, she was surprised to find Belle and Brady playing with Will.
"Hi Granma," she pecked Caroline on the cheek and dumped her bag on a chair, "what's going on?"

Caroline frowned expansively.
"Your sister brought Belle and Brady over dear. It seems your mother is having a tough time at the moment." Sami looked at her grandmother, her expression one of mild surprise.
"Let's face it Granma, when *isn't* she?" she shrugged.
"*Sami!*" Caroline appeared shocked at Sami's nonchalance, but Sami didn't particularly care.
"So she's dumped the kids on you again huh?" she raised her eyebrows. "Yeah, some mother all right."
"Now Sami, I won't have you talking like that about your mother," Shawn came into the kitchen wiping his hands on a towel. "It's not right." Sami looked at him for a moment and then shook her head.
"Well, let's just forget it shall we?" she suggested curtly. "How's my boy been?"
"He's been wonderful dear," Caroline continued to talk to Sami as Shawn shook his head behind them. It wasn't at all right.

******

Q waited, but there was no flash of light, no oblivion. He shrugged his shoulders, partially wondering why, but mostly, simply emotionally exhausted. Wandering back to the sofa, he sat down and buried his face in his hands. She'd said no.

He had known the moment she had said it of course, the reason why. He had known all along really, he had just chosen not to see it. However much John Black hurt her, she would never give up on him, because she loved him too much. A deep, all-encompassing love. He knew what that felt like. But the difference was he knew that John loved her back, in the same sort of deep and abiding way that she loved him. The Continuum had said that they belonged together. Now Q had been forced see they were right.

A pained smile twisted the corner of his lips as he wondered what kind of a peverse laugh they were getting from this. But the humiliation was nothing compared to the pain he felt at losing her. He loved her so much and it was like losing a part of himself, saying goodbye to the joy of having her in his life. It was agony and complete desolation and he wondered vaguely how he was going to make it through this.

Silently, he finally let the tears fall.

******

"I'm gonna go out for a walk okay?" Sami bent down to plant a kiss on Will's head. "I shouldn't be too long."
"You be careful now," Shawn instructed her. "It's not good for a young girl like you to be walking round by herself, so it isn't."
"I'll be careful Granpa," she gave him a sweet smile and a hug. "I'll see you soon."

The air was crisp outside and Sami flicked her long blonde hair behind her as she walked slowly through the village. It was quite deserted and Sami surmised that everyone must be home having dinner. As she neared the river, she encountered the first of the mist that rose off the water in early evening. A smile passed across her face as she remembered how she and Eric used to go fishing with Shawn, tying up back at the dock just as the fog began to rise.

She took in a deep breath of the damp air and jammed her cold, rubbery fingers deeper into her pocket. A noise behind her made her start and she whirled around, but there was no one there. She smiled at her flighty imagination and carried on walking towards the river. She hadn't made it much further before she imagined she heard the clatter of footsteps behind her. She turned again, but again it was nothing. Frowning, she picked up her pace, making her way down toward the old pier. It was somewhere that her father had gone when he needed some space and some time to think, and she found it helped her too. And then she heard the footsteps again.

This time she knew she wasn't imagining it. Someone was definitely following her.

******

John pulled the collar of his jacket up around his neck and stepped out of his jeep. The deep foghorn of a ferry sounded somewhere over the water and John leaned back against the car. Things were so confused and messed up, and he had no idea what to do. He only knew he couldn't go on like this. He couldn't go on hating himself and he couldn't go on hurting Marlena. Somewhere inside him, he knew, was the answer. He just had to find it.

******

Sami turned around, but whoever it was dodged into the shadows.
"Who's there?" she called out, trying to sound firm but her shaking voice betrayed the extent of her nerves. Turning again, her own footsteps swiftened, matching the staccatto beat of her heart. But he still followed, matching every burst of pace on her part with one of his own. By the time Sami had made it down the wooden steps, he was right behind her.

He caught her with one strong hand and whipped her around to face him. The blade of his knife glinted cruelly in the misty half-light as he brought it up in front of her, the point resting only centimeters below her chin.
"Thought you could get away from me didn't you Sami?" Grant's voice held an undercurrent of madness. Sami said nothing, too terrified to speak. "*Didn't* you?" he shook her violently.
"No, I..." Sami shook her head timorously.
"You *what*?" he laughed maniacally. "You think you can reject me and get *away* with it?" he brought the point of the knife up so that she could feel the menacing point digging into her chin. "Well, I've got plans for *you* Sami baby." He smiled nastily and lowered his knife, whipping off the buttons of her jacket one by one with the razor sharp blade.

Sami closed her eyes, the abject terror suffusing her body almost freezing her to the spot. This pier. Alan. He *raped* me. God, *no*, it was going to happen again. He had a knife and he was going to rape her and there was nothing she could do.

"Please," she squeaked, "please don't." Grant only laughed again.
"So *now* we're being polite huh Sami? Maybe I should have tried this before." He held the knife up to her throat as he slid the jacket off her shoulders. "Don't worry Sami baby, you'll *enjoy* it." He began to guide her toward the covered portion of the pier.

"No I *won't*," Sami took advantage of his diverted attention and tried to tear herself away from his grip. He was too strong though and he pulled her back in.
"*NO!* she screamed as she struggled with him, the knife flashing as it sliced perilously close to her. "NOOOOO!"

******

John heard the screams from his vantage point a few hundred feet away and the father's heart in him knew immediately that it was his little girl. And that she was in terrible danger.

"*Samantha!*" he shouted as he dashed towards the pier. "Samanthaaaaa!"




Enmity

Marlena lay on the bed in the darkened room and stared at the wall. She had tried to sleep, but every time she closed her eyes she was assaulted with images of John and Eugene and her eyes would flicker open, glistening with fresh pain. She had never meant to hurt Gene. She had never meant to hurt John for that matter, but in running away from her problems, she knew she had managed to hurt them both badly.
"What's wrong with me?" she whispered, wiping a tear away with the back of her hand. Was she really so out of touch with her own feelings that it took something like this to admit the truth to herself?

Her hand drifted downward and came to rest on her stomach. A baby. It should be such cause for joy, but with Kristen's baby being due only three months before this one, she knew that simple mathematics declaimed that someone would miss out. And John knew it all now. He knew what Kristen had done, the lengths to which she had gone to keep them apart, and still he had chosen to take her back. He was already father to Belle. So why would this baby make any difference?

Marlena crossed her arms across her stomach, curling up in a protective ball. But it wasn't just the baby now, it wasn't just a question of what had happened in the past. It was a loss of trust on both of their behalves. It was a deep and unforgiving anger that kept them from moving past their mistakes. It was the pain and the fear of more pain that muted them and kept them apart. Marlena wasn't sure how or even if they could ever get past that, even if all the obstacles in their path were removed. Assuming they both wanted them removed.

And then there was Eugene. Dear, sweet Gene, who had given her so much and asked for nothing in return. Nothing except for a few weeks of happiness. He had put everything on the line for her, risked everything. And she had thrown it back in his face.

More tears merged with her lashes and then dripped silently onto her cheeks. She remembered how she had felt that night. He had saved her when she had just wanted to die. When she had wanted to put her head down on the pillow and never wake up to the pain again.

When things had been at their bleakest, he had held her and he had told her he loved her. He had given her the lifeline that she had needed. The truth was, if he hadn't been there for her, she didn't know what she would have done. She didn't know how she would have made it through the loss, or even if she would have made it at all.

"Please," she whispered hoarsely, "if you can hear me, please...... don't punish him for my weakness. Don't ask him to pay for my mistakes." She tightened the arms that cradled her stomach. "He didn't know....... you don't understand. He *saved* me. Please don't make him suffer for that." She wiped away the tears and sighed.

"He had a jolly good ol' time saving you," Marlena looked up in shock to find Q2 sitting on her sofa, a sardonic smirk on his face. "If nothing else, he got a good workout."
"You!" She recognized the impertinent smile and shrank back slightly. "What are you doing here?"
"You seemed to want to talk to us," he shrugged with an amused air. "We thought it might be mildly interesting to hear what you have to say."
"I don't want you to hurt him," she said immediately as she scrambled into a sitting position.
"What happens to Q isn't really a matter for debate," Q2 raised a wry eyebrow. "What *you* want I'm afraid, is neither here nor there."
"Then *why*?" she shot back immediately, her ire rising. "*Why* if our relationship was so *forbidden* why didn't you stop it? You're supposed to be the *omnipotent* ones. All seeing and all knowing. Why did you let us go on? Why did you let him fall in love with me?"

"Because this was Q's *test* dear Marlena," Q2 let her name roll off his tongue with acidic relish. "One, I might add, which he failed miserably."
"But why did you let it go *on*?" she persisted, angered by his smug self-assurance. "Why didn't you just whisk him away at the first convenient opportunity? Do you enjoy seeing him in pain?"
"Why doctor," Q2 pushed himself up from the sofa and walked over to the bed. "He didn't seem to be in pain to me. Rather to the contrary."

Marlena pulled away as he posited himself on the edge of the bed. However, the expression on his face gave her cause to stop. She eyed him for a moment, unsure of what she saw.
"You *wanted* him to fail didn't you?" she declared in surprise. "Why? Why would you want that?"

Q2 merely smiled knowingly, apparently unfazed by her deduction.
"Well, it was nice talking with you Marlena," he stood. "We'll take your thoughts into account. Why don't you tell Q we'll be keeping a close eye on him." He winked at her. "Congratulations by the way."

With that he was gone and the room was empty once more. Marlena shivered as a cool breeze swept through the room. Pulling a blanket around her, she slid off the bed. She had to go and find Eugene.


******

"Samantha!" John saw a flash of golden hair as the pier came into sight. She was struggling with a man and John felt cold fear invade his gut. "Samantha, I'm coming."

He took the steps two at a time, but by the time he hit the old wooden planks of the pier, Sami's assailant held the knife to her throat.
"Don't come any closer, man," his voice was guttural and John saw the bleeding laceration on his cheek, apparently inflicted by Sami's fingernails. Sami herself had several scratches and already swelling bruises across her cheek and eye.

John held his hands up and stepped to the side a little, hoping to draw the man into the light. It worked and he shifted Sami slightly so that he could keep John plainly in view.
"John!" Sami blurted out before she felt the knife caress her throat again.
"Sami baby, are you alright?" John asked carefully, realizing that this was the young man that Sami had dated, the friend of Austin's. Sami nodded voicelessly, the terror in her eyes communicating that she was anything but. He stepped forward slightly.

"I said stay *back*!" Grant pulled Sami more tightly to him, the blade of his knife digging into the delicate flesh of her throat. Sami gasped in pain, sending needles of fear through John.
"All right, all right." He held up his hands again as he stepped back. "What's your name pal?"
"I'm no *pal* of yours!" the young man returned viciously. "And if you don't want *baby* Sami here getting hurt, you'll just stay out of this."
"You're right," Sami watched John's eyes narrow in anger and became suddenly cognizant of the anger and fear that her danger provoked in him. "I *am* no pal of yours. And if you so much as hurt one hair on Samantha's head I *swear* I will kill you myself."
"Big words," Grant waved the knife around in front of Sami, "and whatchya gonna do to stop me?"
"Whatever I have to do," John remained calm in the face of Grant's increasing agitation. "Just let her go man, and *nobody* will get hurt."

Even though the knife was still at her throat and the terror still pervaded every sense, part of Sami admired John's calmness and strength. And part of her, her perceptions heightened by the adrenaline that surged through her, could see plainly his love for her and his fear for her safety. And she took strength from it.

"Who are you trying to kid?" Grant's eyes widened as he contemplated the other man. "Who is this jerk Sami?"

Sami stared at John, her azure eyes seeking comfort and strength in his.
"He's my...." she paused, seeing his love for her and she found the strength to smile. "He's my father," she said quietly.


******

"Carrie?" Austin poked his head into the bedroom, looking for his wife. He had finally determined that today would be the day he told her the truth. After the fight they had gotten into that morning, he had spent most of the day agonizing over what he should do. He knew he couldn't keep on hurting Carrie like this, and it seemed like the only option he had was to tell her what had happened. She was going to find out sooner or later anyway.

"Carrie?" She wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere at the apartment and she wasn't at work. So where could she be? He walked into the bedroom, his hand resting on his hip and pushing back his suit jacket. The comforter on the bed had been disturbed slightly he noticed with bemusement, and there was Carrie's suit on the floor. So she'd *been* here then.

He stood in the middle of the room and ran his fingers through his hair.
"Where are you Carrie?" It was then that he turned and saw the piece of paper propped up against the mirror on the dresser. It was a sheet of note paper folded in half, and he saw his name on it in Carrie's handwriting. With a sense of apprehension, he picked it up and flicked it open.

Dear Austin, he read silently, I have decided to go away for a while. We both know this is not working and maybe this will give us the time and space we need to work out what we really want from this marriage. Please don't try and find me. I do still love you but I need to know that you are really committed to both our marriage vows and our child. I hope by the time I return that you will have made a decision. Carrie.

That was it. Just her name. No endearments, no begging him to understand. She had just left, and left the ball in his court.

He dropped the note back onto the dresser and went and sat on the edge of the bed, his fingers rubbing the light stubble on his chin. What was he going to do without her?


******

John felt his heart swell as he heard Sami's words. Even through the fear and the anxiety those words had the power to vanquish many demons.
"Your father?" Grant seemed confused. "I thought your father was overseas?"
"The other one is yeah," Sami smiled at the irony, never taking her eyes from John. She had to take her cues from him if she wanted to get out of there in one piece.
"Your *other* one?" he seemed confused and it apparently increased his anxiety as he moved Sami backward a little towards the other end of the pier.

"Yeah, that's right," John nodded, taking advantage of the chink in the man's concentration. "Sami has two dads that look out for her and take care of her. Two fathers that love her." Sami swallowed but continued to be aware of every movement Grant made.
"So which one of you was married to her Mom then?" He raised his eyebrows. "She's pretty hot that mom of yours Sami baby."
"I don't think that's relevant do you?" John's jaw twitched with well-hidden anger.
"Oh, I don't know," Grant shrugged insolently. "Is she as good in bed as her little whore daughter here?"

Sami gasped but John said nothing, knowing that the attacker was trying to bait him into making a move.
"I didn't," she shook her head desperately, "I never..."
"It's okay Samantha," he held up his hand. "He's only trying to provoke us. Don't give him the satisfaction of reacting." Sami nodded her head, trying to relax as much as she could.
"Ha! Smart guy huh?" Grant sneered. "Never mind Johnny boy, I'll send you a postcard and let you know how it was. *Then* we can make comparisons."
"You're not going anywhere," John's voice was low and dangerous as he stepped forward.

His eyes were focussed on Sami's, sending her an implicit message to be ready.

Seeing his advance, Grant prepared to step back again, but his heel backed up against something. He looked down to see a coil of rope and in that moment, when his attention was diverted, John made his move. Stepping forward, he firmly gripped the arm that held the knife and with the other, he spun his daughter out of harm's way.

Grant immediately began to fight back, it quickly becoming obvious to Sami that he closely matched John in skill. She backed up to the steps as the struggle continued, wheezing with shock. Moments later, Grant wrenched his arm free and began to take swings at John.

"Get out of here Samantha!" John shouted. But it was as though she was rooted to the spot, the toll the situation had exacted from her leaving her numb and shaking. Grant took a swipe at John, slashing the soft leather of his jacket with the brutally sharp blade. John jumped back, making sure he kept himself in between this maniac and Sami.

"Give it up man," he advised.
"Yeah sure," Grant laughed recklessly. "I think I'll pass on that thanks."
"Your funeral pal," John shrugged.

With that, he flicked out his foot and hooked it behind Grants ankle. With a swift tug, he unbalanced the other man, sending him toppling to the ground. He was on him immediately, sliding the loose knife away and wrenching Grant's arms behind his back. The young man yelled in pain as John bent his arms back reaching for the rope.
"*That* is for hurting my baby," John hissed furiously before he looped the rope tightly around Grant's wrists. "And you'd better *pray* they put you away, because if I ever see you near any of my family *ever* ever again, I *will* kill you."

Grant said nothing, just grunted as the cold and splintered wood dug into his face. John tied the rope tightly and then looped it around his feet, trussing him so there was no hope of escape. Then he stood and beckoned to Sami. With her eyes wide, and staring blankly at her now subdued attacker, she neared John. Pulling her into his arms, he wrapped them tightly around her shaking frame as she began to sob.


******

The blanket dragged behind Marlena as she crept down the stairs. Gene was asleep on the sofa and she crouched down beside him. She reached out to brush the hair from his face, but pulled her hand back as he stirred. She watched him for a moment and then stood up, folding the blanket into the crook of her arms as she crossed them.

Frowning, she made her way into the kitchen and made herself a weak mug of chamomile tea. When she came back out, Eugene was still asleep. Just looking at his peaceful face brought back all the memories of the previous weeks, the nights spent together and the mornings she woke in his arms. It hadn't been a lie and she had loved making him happy. But in doing so, she had given him something only to take it away again. Wasn't that just what she had accused John of doing?

She had been so angry at him, so hurt and betrayed by his continuing refusal to fight for their relationship. She hadn't understood how he could not see. Until she had refused to see herself. Instead of fighting for John, she had turned to someone else to ease the pain. So where was her high moral ground now?

She sighed and shook her head. It wasn't that simple of course but whatever the cause, the outcome was much the same. John was still with Kristen. He would be with Kristen whether she had made her mistakes or not. It seemed that was where he wanted, or at least felt he should be now. What right did she have to walk into that relationship and break it up?

She took a sip of her tea and sat down. The truth was, her thoughts were so jumbled that she had no idea what to do. She was so weighed down with guilt and self-recrimination that she was unsure that she could make any kind of lasting decision anyway.

She froze as Eugene stirred and managed a smile as his eyes fluttered open.
"Hi there," her heart ached as she saw the bleariness of his eyes. He had been crying.
"Hi," his voice was hoarse and he seemed a little disoriented.
"I had a visit from your friend," she said quietly as she put the mug down on the table.
"My friend?" Q pushed himself into a sitting position.
"Your Q friend," Marlena raised her eyebrows, "he told me to tell you they'll be keeping a close eye on you."
"He did?" Q looked positively amazed.
"Mmmm-hmmmm," she nodded carefully. "There was something else too."
"What?" he was suddenly not sure he liked the idea of Q2 being in the same room as Marlena, alone.
"I know it may sound odd, but I got the impression that they, the Q, is that what you call them?" Gene nodded. "Well I think they *wanted* you to fail. I don't know why but I think they expected for this, for *us* to happen."

Q gave her a rueful smile.
"Somehow I don't think so Marlena." Marlena looked at him defiantly.
"I told you it sounded odd, but I know what I saw."
"You'll see what they want you to see." His tone was even but it held a certain grimness. "Believe me bab-..." he cut himself off, knowing he could not afford to be affectionate with her now. He had to take their relationship back to where it had once been, as difficult as that may be. "Believe me Marlena, they have a certain amount invested in this. They don't want me to fail." Marlena pursed her lips and shrugged.
"I guess you know them better than I do," she paused and then smiled, almost shyly. "You were right. I think it will be okay."

Gene smiled and nodded his head, but deep down, he wasn't so sure. The Q were nothing if unpredictable.

"Marlena," he started uncertainly, "I think you need to tell John about the baby. He needs to know." He saw her blanche and became concerned. "What is it?" Marlena pressed her lips together.
"I tried to tell him already," she said in a small voice.
"Today?" Q suddenly remembered Q2's assertion of a fight between John and Marlena.

Marlena nodded numbly.
"A soon as the doctor confirmed it. I went over to the loft to tell him." She shivered and pulled the blanket even closer. She looked miserable as she continued with her explanation. "He didn't even give me a chance to say anything. He launched straight into telling me he knew about *you* and me." She pressed her lips together trying to regain her composure. She was still unnerved by John's revelations and she wasn't sure how Eugene would take them either. "John said he *saw* us." She shook her head, tears threatening. She wouldn't wish that on anyone.

"He what?" Q looked horrified. If that was true then this situation was even more messed up and painful than he had thought. Marlena sighed and brushed at her cheeks with her fingers.
"He came here one night and let himself in because it was late. Apparently he found us, in bed together." Her voice was low and thready, and she shook her head forlornly.

"What have I done Gene? What have I done to us all?"


******

John fished his cell phone out of his pocket as he held the shaking Sami to him. He dialed 911 and asked for the police to come down to the pier. Then, flipping the small device shut, he looked down at Sami.
"How are you doing sweetheart?"
"Okay," her tremulous voice was muffled against his torn jacket.
"That's my girl," John allowed himself a small smile. "I knew you had it in you." He lifted her chin so that he could see her eyes. "I am *so* proud of you Samantha. You were brave and you were cool and collected...." he smiled.
"You weren't so bad yourself," Sami kidded weakly.
"Hey, being an ex-cop comes in handy from time to time," John winked at her.

Suddenly Sami felt very lucky and very blessed. She had been so horrible to John, and here he was, still wanting to help her and still loving her.
"Thanks John," she said quietly.
"Thanks?" he raised his eyebrows in surprise. "For what?"
"For....." she managed a small grin, "for rescuing me."
"Hey," he gave her a patented John Black look. "I wasn't about to walk away from a damsel in distress. Besides," he smiled softly and tapped her nose with his finger, "what else is a father gonna do huh?"

She shook her head, a small smile on her face and John reached up with his index finger to wipe away the blood on Sami's cheek. She flinched and he frowned.
"I think maybe we should have someone take a look at that."
"No," Sami shook her head wearily, "it's not bad, he hardly touched me, it's just a scratch." John looked unconvinced but he felt her begin to shiver again and he locked his arms more tightly around her.
"I'll never let anyone hurt you again baby," he murmured as she buried her face in his warm jacket.

It was only minutes before the first squad car arrived, with Abe Carver only moments behind. He was shocked to see the scene down on the pier. The officers, who were busy cuffing Grant, filled him in on the facts of the situation before he went over to the pair at the end of the old jetty.

"John, Sami, are you both all right?" he took in the bruising and scratches on the pier and shook his head.
"We're fine Abe," John sounded remarkably cheerful, considering everything he'd been through. "I want you to book that bastard though, and find everything you can to keep him in there."

"We will," Abe nodded. "Thank God you came by when you did John."
"I think we're all thanking God Abe," John said in a low voice. "Now, do you think I can take Sami somewhere warm? I think she's been through enough without keeping her standing out in this cold all night."
"Sure." Abe nodded. "Just let us know where you're going. I'll stop by later after we take this scum back to the station. I have to get your preliminary statements."
"Where do you want to go Sami baby?" John asked gently.
"The pub," it was almost a moan. She wanted, no, she needed to see her son.
"Okay," Abe's chocolate eyes were filled with concern as he watched John lead a still shaking Sami away. Shaking his head, he turned back to see his officers leading Sami's attacker away. If he had anything to say about it, that creep was going to make a prison cell his home for a long, long time.


******

"Oh Marlena," Q sighed. "We've all made mistakes. You can't just blame yourself for what's happened."
"But I *do* blame myself," she sounded angry.
"And that's your problem," Eugene couldn't contain his irritation. "You're so ready to submit to that martyr complex you've built for yourself that you can't see past the guilt. And that guilt keeps you fettered to the mistakes of the past. You spend far *too* much time blaming yourself for things you can't change Marlena, and not enough time and effort changing those things you *can* change."

Marlena opened her mouth to speak, but she was too stunned by Gene's outburst to know what to say.
"Oh, I'm sorry," he shook his head, feeling terrible. "I shouldn't have said that."
"No," she spoke slowly, surprise dawning in her eyes. "You should have said it. Because you're right."

It was at that moment that the telephone reverberated with an electronic trill. Marlena sighed and picked it up. Several sentences into the conversation, her face paled. Finally, she hung up the phone and turned to Q.

"It's Sami," Her eyes were wide with fear and the ball of fear had returned to the pit of her stomach filling her with an icy dread. "I have to get over to the pub."





Repercussions

When Marlena and Q entered the Brady pub, they saw the group by the bar, both of them immediately noting John's presence. Marlena took a deep breath, trying to calm her hammering heart and stepped forward.

"Sami?" The young woman had her back to her mother but there was no mistaking the concern in Marlena's voice. "Sami honey, your Granma called me. Are you all right?" Sami turned around slowly and fixed Marlena with a cold stare.
"I'm fine," she answered tersely. "Not that I know why you care."
"Samantha," John's voice was low but it held a warning. He didn't want this to come between Marlena and Sami too, they had already hurt each other too much.
"Sami!" Marlena was as shocked at the cold reception as she was at the scratches and bruises on Sami's face. She looked from Caroline to John in confusion. "Sami, of course I care."
"Do you?" Sami's voice echoed the bitterness in her eyes as she deliberately flouted John's implied admonition. "Then why weren't you there when I really needed you Mom? Why were you off living it up with your new *boyfriend*." Her eyes flicked scornfully to Eugene, standing behind Marlena.

"Sami," Caroline attempted to smooth out the tension.
"*No* Granma." Sami's cold blue eyes flashed with an icy brilliance. "I'm not going to apologize. As usual, when I called my mother when all this was going on, she was *unavailable*. Like she always is. She always professes her love and her devotion, but when the chips fall, she's nowhere to be found."
"Sami...I," Marlena felt the old familiar wrenching pain as Sami flung all her bitterness and betrayal at her.
"No, *save* it Mom. I don't want to hear the excuses *or* the apologies, okay?" Tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm tired of it. I'm tired of coming second in your life to everyone else." She slid off her barstool and ran from the room.

Marlena started after her but John stepped in front of her blocking her way.
"Let her go Marlena. She's been through a very rough ordeal."
"That's why I want to go to her John," Marlena said impatiently as she looked at the doorway. John shook his head in frustration.
"She doesn't want your help at the moment. You can't force her to take it." His face softened as he saw the pain in Marlena's eyes. "Give her a couple of days. She'll come round."
"Will she?" Marlena looked up at John. "Somehow I don't think...."

It was then that she saw the scratches on John's own face and she realized that he had been involved.
"John?" she reached out a tentative hand to his face. "John, were you there?"

John didn't answer, mesmerized by the way her hazel eyes shone with golden flecks. He could feel the adrenaline surging through him and yet, he couldn't move. His skin tingled as though alive with fire where her fingers skittered across it. The tension was so fierce it was palpable and almost painful.

"It was John that saved Sami from the attacker, Marlena," Caroline answered for John, breaking the endless moment.
"You saved my baby girl?" her voice was almost a whisper as she found herself staring into his endless cerulean eyes.
"I think of her as a daughter too," John's voice was forced and Marlena saw the muscle in his cheek twitch, an indication of how uncomfortable he was.
"Thank you," she offered quietly, the effect of his closeness only serving to knot her stomach more and to strip her of the words that could express the turmoil of emotions she felt.

And still, her eyes communicated everything that needed to be said. John could have fallen in love with those eyes alone. But right now, the main effect they had on him was to remind him of how his captured heart had been broken. And her gentleness and concern was too much for him, too at odds with how his mind told him she should be behaving, so with brusqueness, he pushed her hand aside as he turned and left the room. Tears filled Marlena's eyes as she watched him exit through the same door as her daughter. Folding one arm across her front, she covered her eyes with the other hand and let out a wretched sob.

Eugene was behind her almost immediately and she turned to bury her face in his comforting shoulder as Shawn and Caroline watched bewilderedly. Caroline shook her head as she considered them. This was becoming all too reminiscent of a similar situation a little over four years ago. One in which Marlena lost a man she loved very deeply. Roman.

Caroline hoped that this time history wouldn't repeat itself.


******

The sun was high in the autumnal sky as Eric Roman Brady walked up to the convalescent home, his mood surprisingly nervous. He had never expected his search to lead him here, but with the information that Shane Donovan had given him he had finally managed to trace the lead to this place. Manly, in Sydney, Australia.

It was a search that had taken him almost around the globe in the last few months. And now it was possible that the search almost over. He stared at the heavy plate glass doors, with some degree of expectation.
"Here goes nothing," he muttered as he stepped through.

The reception was immediately in front of the doors and a pretty brunette nurse looked up as Eric neared the counter.
"Yes, can I help you?" she asked, the twangy accent novel to Eric's ears.
"Hi, ah..," he looked at her name tag, "Helen, I'm here to visit a patient I believe is here," he said, his own inflection sounding distinctly out of place. "A Mr. Minelli?"

The nurse looked mildly surprised.
"We have a Mr. Minelli. He doesn't usually get a lot of visitors though."
"Well, I'd like to see him if that's possible." He smiled at the nurse, something that, along with his long-lashed blue eyes seemed to grease many a door. This nurse seemed no exception as her cheeks reddened.
"Of course it's possible," she grinned flirtily. "C'mon, I'll take you to him."

Eric followed her down the corridor to a room that was almost hidden off the end of the colonnade. The nurse stopped before the doorway and turned back to Eric.
"He's in here," she spoke quietly. "You'd better be aware that he's not exactly full of the joys of spring. So to speak."
"That's okay," Eric nodded with a slight smile. "I think I'll be able to handle him." He held out his hand "Thanks for your help."
"You're welcome," Helen smiled as she took the extended hand.

Eric shook her hand and then grinned as he watched her walk away. Pity she lived so far away, she was cute.

Turning his attention back to the door he took a deep breath and then entered the room. The man sitting in front of the window turned to regard his visitor, but as he did, a look of astonishment crossed his face.

Eric grinned widely as he pulled up a chair.
"Hi Dad, how are ya?"


******

"Hey Sami girl." John walked to where Sami had her head bowed on the kitchen table. He sat down beside her quietly and just waited. Eventually, she raised her head. "Why do you always do it Sami?" he asked quietly.
"Do what?" Sami's reply was enunciated in a vehement burst.
"You attack your mother before she has a chance to get through your defenses." He looked at the young woman speculatively. "She doesn't deserve the treatment you mete out to her you know."
"How can you say that?" Sami demanded, "After what she has done to you?"
"This isn't about me." John sighed. "It isn't even about Marlena and me, not any more." He shook his head. "She loves you so much Samantha and you keep pushing her away." He shrugged, his eyes red with fatigue. "Why?"

"My relationship with my mother isn't any of your business," Sami's manner had suddenly become glacial and she pushed away from the table.
"*Wait*." John caught her wrist before she could stand. "You've walked away from me too many times before Sami. I'm not going to let it happen again."
"I don't know what you mean," Sami shook her head as she stared him down, the intensity of her aegean blue eyes matching his.
"You know *exactly* what I mean," John said firmly. "Earlier on tonight you were calling me your father and now you can't wait to get away from me. The moment we start getting anywhere close to discussing how you're feeling Sami, you run away."
"I was scared," Sami shrugged off his words and pulled her hand from his. "I didn't mean anything by it and if you think I'm staying around here to listen to another lecture, you're sadly mistaken."

"You and I both know that wasn't something you said just for the hell of it," John said firmly. "Now, this has gone on for too long. Far too long, and I'm not about to let it go on any longer." He pointed to the seat. "Now I want you to sit down and I want you to tell me what is going on."


******

Marlena's eyes were glazed as she walked into the apartment. Gene entered behind her and switched off the alarm as she sank down onto the sofa. She said nothing, just stared miserably at the table for a moment before she pulled her feet up onto the cushions and curled up on her side.

He felt a twinge of pain as he watched her, knowing there was nothing he could do to help. His only recourse to making her smile had been snatched from him and he felt incredibly lost. He couldn't even imagine how she must feel.

With a frown marring his face, he went to her and kneeled on the floor beside the sofa. He took her hand in his, her fingers icy beneath his own.
"Sweetheart, you need to go and talk to him," he encouraged gently. "Even a fool could see how much he loves you. Even a fool like me." Marlena closed her eyes, her teeth digging into her lower lip, driving the blood from the sensitive flesh. "Marlena don't punish yourself like this. Go and talk to him and tell him about the baby. I think you might find that it makes a lot of difference." Still there was silence, a dragging, excruciating silence.

"Baby, talk to me," he entreated in almost a whisper. "Please."

Finally, she opened her reddened eyes, the tears splashing through dark lashes onto her pale skin.
"I can't," she shook her head disconsolately as her hoarse voice split the silence.
"You can't talk to me?" He felt her hand tense in his and she shook her head.
"I can't talk to John." She pressed the back of her fingers to her mouth as she fought the denied tears. "I can't put myself through that again, I just *can't*."
"But Marlena," he tried to reason with her to no avail.
"He made his choice a long time ago and he chose *Kristen*, not me." Her expression hardened as the words sank in. "I just have to learn to accept that that's all."
"But sweetheart, you're not being logical...."
"*Logical*?" she interrupted him, the amazement written on her face. "Do you have *any* idea how much it hurts?" Her pain was finally bubbling to the surface unfettered by the denial she had held onto for so long. "Do you *know* how much this has cost me? I've lost my happiness, I've lost all hope of ever having a family for Belle and Brady. I've lost almost *everyone* I ever loved. For *what*?" She looked at him bitterly. "To see *him* in Kristen DiMera's arms, that's what."

She pushed him away and sat up on the couch, her grief translating into pure anger. "Well I am *damned* if I am going to lose any more of my self respect over John Black. So you can just forget it. I am not going to see him. Not now, not *ever*."

With that she stood and ran for the stairs, talking two at a time until she reached the landing. Gene watched her slam her bedroom door behind her. Wearily he sighed. Yes he had some idea of how much it hurt. He had a pretty good idea actually.


******

"Eric?" Roman Augustus Brady looked at Eric in complete shock. His son had been the last person he had expected to see in this place. In fact, he hadn't even spoken to his children or the rest of his family for more than two years. He was halfway surprised that the I.S.A hadn't told them that he had been killed. That *was* their style after all.

"Yup, in the flesh," Eric leaned over and hugged Roman before he turned the chair round and straddled it. "How are you Dad?"
"I...." Roman shook his head, unexpected tears filling his eyes as he regarded his grown up son before him. "How did you find me?"
"It wasn't easy." Eric admitted as he shook his head. "The I.S.A wouldn't give me *any* information at all. All they would say was that you couldn't be contacted." He frowned angrily. "Eventually I went to Uncle Shane's in London and he filled in some of the missing pieces for me. And with Andrew's help, we tapped into some computer records...." he grinned, "that cousin of mine is quite something on a computer you know. Anyway, all the searches led here, so I thought I should come and check it out for myself. And here you are."

Roman looked somber as he nodded.
"Here I am," he repeated and Eric noticed the slight slur in his voice. It wasn't the only thing he noticed. Roman looked older and his face had a gauntness that Eric had never seen. A cane rested next to his chair, and the only decoration in the spartan room was a single tattered photograph that resided in a frame on the bedside unit. It was one of them all as a family. One before their family had been torn apart.

"How long have you been here Dad?" Eric's expression became serious. "And what happened that you need to be here?"
"I don't know how long I've been here," Roman shook his head tiredly as he regarded his son. In many ways, he had been dreading this day. "I lost track of time for a while. I guess it's been somewhere between eighteen months and two years." Eric swallowed deeply, the news coming to him as a shock. "As to *why*," Roman sighed, "It's a long story Eric."
"I've got plenty of time," Eric raised his eyebrows and folded his arms across the top of the chair back.


******

Sami sat down in the chair sulkily and crossed her arms in front of her.
"Nothing is going on."
"Come off it Samantha." John was tired but he wasn't about to let this go once again. "I'm not stupid. Your manner towards me totally changed once we started talking about your mother. Now this has been going on for years. I understand that you were hurt by what happened, but I don't think that our affair is all that you are holding against us. I think if that was all it was you would have gotten over that a long time ago."
"Oh you do, do you?" Sami leaned back in her chair, her arms forming a rigid barrier in front of her.
"Yes I do," John nodded, unfazed by her obviously patronizing manner. "What was it Sami? What was it that I did that hurt you so much? What is it that you can't forgive me for?"
"You know what you did," Sami spat back.
"No I *don't*," John said deliberately. "Tell me."
"You broke up my family," Sami had her answer down pat. "You betrayed my father and you drove him away. You expect me to thank you for that?"
"No," John shook his head. "There's more than that." His eyes narrowed. "You called me your father tonight. *We* were a family once Sami. I was your Daddy and I *loved* you. And you and Eric loved me. So why do you *hate* me so much now?"

His words struck a chord in Sami and for a moment, she couldn't find the words she needed, the words that would ward off that old, familiar pain. Instead she sat and stared at John, her pursed lips trembling as she tried furiously to blink back the traitorous tears


******

"When I left Salem, I went to Washington to work on an anti-terrorist case," Roman began, a pained expression on his case. "Probably the worst decision I ever made, but it's not something I can change is it?" He paused, considering his words carefully. "It was around Christmas of that year that the I.S.A offered me an assignment infiltrating a terrorist base in the Middle East, near the border of Afghanistan. They told me it would be dangerous, I guess at that point I didn't really care a whole lot so I accepted it." A look of anger panned across his face. "What they failed to tell me was that it was a trap. They knew that but they sent three of us in anyway. We were the dummies, or the decoys if you will. They were waiting for us. They just weren't waiting for the commandos that came in a few hours later." He sighed as he shifted in his chair. "But by then it was too late for my two comrades. They were dead. And I was as good as. They shot me in the head, the doctors tell me that the bullet lodged in my skull, putting pressure on my brain. I don't remember much after that for quite a long time," he looked at Eric, his brown eyes sorrowful. "They tell me I almost died several times. The injuries affected a part of my brain that controls motor functions. I had to struggle to do everything. Eat, walk and talk," he shook his head, "I learnt how much we take for granted."

"Hell Dad, God, I had no idea." Eric was stunned. He had been concerned about his father's lack of contact, but he hadn't expected this. "Why didn't you let us know? Or why didn't the ISA at least let Granma and Granpa know?"
"The ISA didn't want *anybody* to know," Roman said bitterly. "I'm sure they hadn't expected one of their human sacrifices to come out alive. I was a liability to them. The last thing they wanted, I'm sure the last thing they still want is for my family to find me." His eyes softened. "As for me, I wasn't in any state to call for a long time and anyway, you all have your lives. You didn't need to be burdened with me."
"You're hardly a *burden* Dad," Eric shook his head. "My God, I can't believe this. So the ISA were just leaving you over here and consigning you to oblivion?"
"That pretty much covers it," Roman nodded bitterly. "Oh, they paid for all my medical treatment but they have certainly haven't been in any hurry to get me home."

"We've tried to get hold of you ever since you left," Eric said slowly, all the pieces finally coming together. "The ISA always told us you were too far undercover for us to contact you directly, or for you to contact us. They said they would pass on the letters though..." his voice faded out.
"Letters?" Roman repeated quietly. He shook his head, his heart suddenly very heavy. "They lied to you son. I never got any of your letters."

"*None* of them?" Eric shook his head the utter unfairness of the situation being hammered home more with every passing minute. "You don't have any idea what's happened to any of us since you left?"
"No," Roman shook his head. "The ISA fed me the policy line ... that everything was fine with my family. I didn't believe them but I had no other avenue to find out how you were. I just had to accept that everything was okay just as they said."

He looked up at Eric and noticed that the young man had paled. "What is it Eric? Everything *is* okay isn't it?" Eric nodded unsure how much of the truth Roman would be able to handle right now. The shock of seeing his son seemed to be wearing enough. "It's not perfect Dad, but it's been worse."
"Worse?" Roman sat back in his chair. "What do you mean worse?"

"Whatever he means, it can wait until tomorrow," a feminine voice interrupted from the doorway. Both men turned to see Helen standing in the doorway. "The doctors are about to start their rounds and they might not be too thrilled to see *you* in here." She raised her eyebrows in Eric's direction. "If you go now you'll be able to come back tomorrow when Mr. Minelli is a little stronger."

Eric turned to Roman.
"Will you be okay Dad?"
"Sure," Roman acceded. "She's right. The doctors here are in the ISA's pocket. They won't want to see you here any more than Tarrington or any other of the ISA hierarchy would."
"Okay, then I'll be back in the morning," Eric nodded. He stood up and leaning over he hugged Roman. "I missed you Dad," he whispered.
"I missed you too son," Roman replied softly as he watched Eric walk out with the nurse.

Outside the room Eric looked at Helen speculatively.
"So he's your dad huh?" she seemed surprised.
"Yeah," Eric said slowly, realizing that it was entirely possible that Helen might be able to furnish him with information about Roman's condition and prognosis. "Listen, when do you get off work? I want to buy you a cup of coffee."


******

John waited as Sami remained stubbornly silent. He watched the warring emotions as they flickered across her face and she stared back at him defiantly.
"What was it Samantha?" he asked again when he finally couldn't take her daunting impassivity any longer. "What did I do that was *so* terrible?" His voice softened again as he drifted back in time. "You know, I tried to be the best father I could when I thought I was your daddy. And then when I found out that I wasn't, well I tried to make it as easy as I could for you and Eric...." he lapsed into silence.

Sami blinked rapidly as she faced him, trying to keep the anger and long hidden pain in check.
"Easy?" she repeated incredulously. John frowned, not sure if he understood her question, or the implicit answer.
"Roman wanted his family back Sami. I tried to make it as painless as I could for everybody."

Sami felt a keen pain rip through her like a live current. Did he really believe that walking away from them all had prevented the pain? She opened her mouth but then closed it again. She wouldn't let him see. She couldn't let him get close again. She couldn't risk that.

"What is it Sami baby? What do you want to tell me sweetheart?" John pressed her, knowing that she was close to breaking point.
"Don't *call* me that." she hissed through clenched teeth, her eyes burning, as she pushed away from the table and stood up.
"*Don't* run away Samantha. I won't let you do it again. I want you to tell me what has you so upset." He took a deep breath. "It has to do with all those years ago, doesn't it sweetheart?"

Sami spun round, her golden hair flying.
"You want to know? You *really* want to know?" she asked angrily. However, she continued without waiting for his answer. "Well I'll tell you. *Painless*? When you walked away from us it might have been painless for you, but it broke *our* hearts. Do you have any idea what it feels like when the man you've called daddy for most of your life decides he doesn't want you any more?"
"Sami that's not how it was..." John shook his head.
"Well that's what it *felt* like to me." Sami's clenched fists shook with long concealed rage. "One day everything was fine and the next you left us to the care of two almost complete strangers. And then you married Isabella and you replaced us with *Brady*. How on earth did you expect me to feel?"
"Sami," John shook his head, "your father had been through so much. I couldn't keep him from you any longer."
"I know that now," Sami shook her head, the tears beginning to drip onto her pale, rounded cheeks. "But you didn't even stop by to say hello. You just abandoned us. We thought that we had done something wrong and that you didn't love us any more." Her fists clenched again as she took another shot. "You were a coward and you ran away because it hurt too much. But you never stopped to think that we might be hurting too."

"Oh baby," John shook his head, his own eyes brimming. She reminded him so much of her mother right now that it was eerie. "I've made a lot of mistakes in the last few years, but none I regret as much as that. You're right. I *never* should have walked away from you. I should have fought for you all. We used to be a family. I should have remembered that." He bit his lower lip for a moment, the physical pain distracting him from the deeper, emotional wounds. Then he found the words he was searching for. "But you have to understand Sami, that I was doing what I thought was right for all of you, and for Isabella. It was never what I *wanted* to do. I never *wanted* to leave you kids. I just felt as though the choice had been taken away from me. And I *never* stopped loving you." He shook his head to emphasise his words. "Never *ever*. I never will."

Sami said nothing, just stared at him as the tears dripped from her jaw, but her heart pounded madly as she heard the words she had never expected to hear from him. "Sweetheart, I made a mistake and I hurt you very badly. I am more sorry for that than you'll ever know. If I could change it I would. But it's a fact that we *can't* change the past." He stood up and walked to where she stood. She looked up at him with huge blue eyes as he spoke. "But I really want to make it up to you. To all of you." He reached out and brushed a cascade of flaxen hair behind her shoulder. "Do you think that it's possible that you could one day forgive me for what I've done?" He tried a small smile and was encouraged by the twitch of Sami's lips.

"I don't know," she said in a small voice, which faded into a whisper. "Maybe...."
"I *want* my baby back," he whispered. "But most of all I just want you to be happy, so where we go from here is entirely up to you." Reaching out with tentative fingers, he used the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears that still lingered beneath her dark lashes.

Sami sniffed and then smiled shyly. It was odd, it wasn't something she had expected at all, but somehow telling John her feelings had proved a cathartic release. And his admittance of his mistake had in a way given her validation for the feelings she had kept a guilty secret for so long.

In grieving John's departure from the family, she had come in time to feel that she had somehow betrayed her real father and she had taken that out on John. Now, at last, it was time to lay those old demons to rest, to forgive, to forget and finally, to move on.

"I don't know where we go," she answered quietly. "But this seems like a pretty good place to start." Standing on tiptoe she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. Slowly and carefully, John folded his arms around her, a peaceful smile finally settling on his lips.

This was a very good place to start.....





Line Call

John knocked at Shawn and Caroline Brady's back door and waited patiently. Finally, Sami opened the door with a heartfelt yawn.
"Hey kiddo," John dropped a kiss on the top of the head and entered the house. "Sleep well?"
"How the hell can you be that cheerful?" Sami asked, her eyes bleary. "You must have gotten even less sleep last night than *I* did."

They had spent much of the night talking in Shawn and Caroline's kitchen. Abe had stopped by some time in the evening to take statements from both of them, but afterward they had continued their conversation. In some ways, it had been a new beginning for both of them. After so many years of hiding from the truth, it seemed like revealing their feelings had unleashed a torrent of previously undeclared feelings and emotions. There had been a few fraught moments, blame taken and shared on both sides, but in doing so, Sami and John had forged a new relationship. One based on mutual understanding, respect, and love.

But still it seemed, there was one topic that they could not, or would not broach. Marlena. They had danced around talk of her in the long hours of discussions, neither of them sure enough of their own feelings to come to any sort of agreement. And so the question of Marlena was avoided, both unwilling to risk the fragile but growing bond between them in order to approach a subject which felt like dangerous territory.

Still, it had been almost two in the morning before John had bid Sami farewell and Sami had wandered wearily up to bed, her mind spinning with the day's events. She had lain in bed for almost an hour, trying to quell the shock that had finally set in after the horrific events of earlier in the day. Finally, she had drifted into a troubled sleep, visions of Grant and Alan disturbing any hope of a decent rest.

For his part, John had made it home to find Kristen fast asleep in his bed. He had quietly closed the door and had made his way to Brady's room, laying down on his son's empty bed. He had stared at the ceiling for a while, a smile twitching at the corners of his lips. He had the feeling that for once, even with everything that was screwed up in his life, he had actually done something right. He had made an impact, he had communicated with Sami and he felt as though he were on the way to finally mending that fractured relationship. By contrast with Sami he had fallen into a heavy and dreamless sleep quite easily.

Even the fact that a caustic Kristen had woken him hadn't dimmed his spirits, and the succeeding call from Abe had only increased his good humour. He had left the loft citing that he had business, not even giving Kristen the chance to ask where he was going. The last thing he wanted was her tagging along, and he knew she would, given even half a chance.

"Do you want some coffee?" Sami asked as she pulled the terrycloth robe more tightly around her, tightening the sash.
"Sure, thanks sweetheart." He watched her fill the percolator and switch it on. Finally, he couldn't stay quiet any longer. "Abe called me this morning Sami, I have good news." He had a sparkle in his eye that Sami hadn't seen for quite some time and she found herself strangely moved by the thought that maybe she that had put it there.

"What is it?" she sat down at the kitchen table, running her fingers through her flaxen hair and sweeping it from her forehead.
"They've been in contact with the Boston police. It turns out that *friend* of Austin's is wanted for questioning in connection with the deaths of two policemen there." He raised an eyebrow. "Apparently they ran the story in a local paper here a few weeks ago."

Sami said nothing for a moment but her eyes widened as she absorbed the information. "They think....?" John nodded.
"He was going by the name of Whitman in Boston but it seems as if they have a pretty good case against him. There's no way he's going to walk free Sami."

A slow smile blossomed across Sami's face.
"He won't get out?"
"I very much doubt that they'll even set bail. There's no end to the list of this guy's suspected crimes. And they're only the ones the cops know about." John winked at her. "Make you feel a bit better?"
"Oh," Sami shook her head with a light laugh. "You have no *idea* how much."


******

Marlena stopped halfway down the stairs as another wave of nausea overcame her. Now that she knew what it was, she couldn't believe she hadn't realized sooner. It felt just like the morning sickness she had had with Belle, only this time it had come a little later in the peace. She only hoped that didn't signal the fact that it was going to hang around for the rest of her pregnancy. Leaning on the banister, she sat down on the step, waiting for the queasiness to pass.

She was still having trouble even getting her mind around the fact that she was going to be a mother again, without having to deal with the symptoms of pregnancy on the top of that. The emotional strain of the week had taken its toll and she felt completely washed out and devoid of any spark of energy. The episode with Sami had just been the last straw. She had gone to bed and her hormones getting the better of her, she had cried herself to sleep. Waking up in an empty bed had only served as a painful reminder of the situation she was now facing.

Leaning against the banister, she let her mind drift back over the last few months, to the night she and John had made love. The night that she thought her life had finally come together. If only she had known.... She shook her head. If she had the chance, she would do it all over again she couldn't deny that. Only this time she wouldn't let John's doubts drive her away. She wouldn't make the same mistakes, she wouldn't keep hurting the people she loved. Except that there was no second chance, no chance to right the wrongs of the past. There was only this utter and unending loneliness that, if she let it, could well drive her mad.

"Marlena?" Q's voice floated up from the landing and she saw him in the doorway of the kitchen. She felt a tightening ache in her chest as she saw the concern in his hazel eyes. How had she managed to do this? *Again*? She loved Gene and she had no doubt that if events had not taken the turn that they had, she could have been perfectly happy with him, just as she could have been perfectly happy with Roman.

If only......

She sighed. It always came back to John. No matter how hard she tried to forget him, to ignore her feelings for him, it was like he was inside her, under her skin and she just couldn't vanquish him.

Gene came to the bottom of the stairs.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly. Marlena nodded her head with a sad smile, the smudged, dusky circles under her eyes telling a different story.
"Come down and have some breakfast," he encouraged.
"I don't think I'm up to it," she shook her head wanly.
"Well, have some orange juice then," he advanced up the stairs toward her. "You don't have only yourself to think about now. You have to keep up your strength." Reaching her, he held out his hand and helped her up. "There now." His heart began to race as he found himself unexpectedly close to her as she almost overbalanced.
"Sorry," she said breathily as her cinnamon coloured eyes searched his. He swallowed and then turned away a little too hurriedly.
"That's okay," he murmured, taking a step down.

Marlena's eyes filled with tears as she followed him down the stairs.


******

Sami stood and went to the percolator where she poured a coffee for John and one for herself.
"You know," she said quietly, her back still to him, "I guess part of me expected him to get away with it, just like Alan did. Every time I closed my eyes last night I could see that knife and..." she took a breath, steadying herself against the counter. John sat tensely, ready to spring up if she needed him. But she managed to gather herself and continue. "I could see his eyes. I knew he was weird, but I never thought he would do something like this. I guess I should stop being so naïve huh?"
"No Sami," John shook his head. "It's just that you've been looking for something and it's lead you to trust the wrong people. That doesn't make you naïve."
"Just misguided." Sami finished for him. "And I've hurt the people that really love me and wanted to help me right?" she could do without the big speech this morning. Her head ached, in fact, her whole body ached, and she just couldn't deal with another lecture. But John surprised her.
"It doesn't matter what happened in the past baby," he said softly. "*All* that matters is that you are safe. That's all I care about."

A shiver went through Sami. After everything that she had said to him and done to him, he still loved her, the way he had always loved her. A tear slipped silently through her lashes. She didn't deserve this.


******

Q put a glass of orange juice in front of Marlena where she sat at the table. She didn't look up at him, just continued to stare into an unseen distance, lost in the chasm of her emotions.
"Hey," he waved his hand in front of her. She didn't even blink. "Marlena." He sat down in front of her, and slowly, she shook her head, forcibly aroused from her apathy.
"What?" she lifted lifeless eyes to his.
"Well, just look at you," he said, a little too forcefully, "You're not doing anyone any good in this state, least of all youself and that baby of yours."
"Well what would you have me do?" she asked, a little defiance flaring. "John hates me, my own daughter can't even stand the sight of me, and...." she shook her head and looked away, "I don't think I need elaborate on what I've done to you."

"What you've done to *me*?" Gene shook his head. "You didn't *do* anything to me. If what happened is anyone's fault, it's mine. I knew that you still loved John. I just chose to ignore that inconvenient fact. Maybe if I hadn't things wouldn't be so messed up for you now." He shook his head. "I'm sorry Marlena. I want to say I wish it hadn't happened. But I can't in all honesty say that, because I wouldn't give up the last few weeks for anything." He couldn't help but smile. "All those things I told you, about what you brought me, that doesn't change because of what happened. I still have those things, I still have what you gave me...."

"But that's just *it*," Marlena shook her head with tears of frustration. "I gave it to you and then I took it away again. How can you even *look* at me?"
"Have you ever heard the saying 'It's better to have loved and lost'?" Q raised his eyebrows.
"This *isn't* about trite sayings," Marlena said angrily. "It's about what *happened*."
"That's right it *is* what happened," Eugene countered with annoyance, giving vent to his own frustration. "It happened. We can't go back and change it. So, instead, you're wallowing in guilt once again. Yet another thing to blame yourself for, another excuse to do absolutely *nothing*."

"That's not true," Marlena was shocked and hurt, somewhat because of his attack, but mostly because deep down, she knew he was right.
"So why don't you go and talk to John?" Q asked, a little harshly. It was the hardest thing in the world for him to encourage Marlena to work it out with John. He wanted nothing more than to keep her to himself. But that wouldn't make her happy he knew, and above all, he wanted to see her smile again. He had already been selfish enough, he couldn't allow her to be hurt any further by his actions. "Why don't you go and tell him the truth, once and for all."
"You *know* why," Marlena glared at him. "He's made his decision, he's making his family with Kristen. I have no right to get involved."
"He's making a decision without all the *facts* Marlena." Q replied frostily. He knew that the only way to get her to see sense in this state was to get her angry. At the moment, she was devoid of emotion and that numbness was protecting her from having to face any truths, or from making any decisions. As much as he hated hurting her, this was the only way he could think of to engage her in the conversation at this point. "You know, *you* are making a pretty big assumption. How do you know that *you* have all the facts? Have you actually *talked* to the man lately?"
"It's rather difficult to talk to a man who walks in the opposite direction every time he sees you," she replied, equally coldly.
"Well, have you stopped to wonder why he's doing that?" Q asked. "I mean, if he's perfectly happy with Kristen, why does seeing you upset him so much?"
"It doesn't *matter* why," she pushed herself up from the sofa and paced across the room. "I don't know why we're even discussing this. John is with Kristen. Period."

There was an uncomfortable silence for several moments.
"It's a convenient excuse isn't it?" Q's voice rent the silence like the crack of a whip. "Just carry on like always. Finding reasons not to take the chance. Never take any risks. Use everyone else as an excuse for not doing anything. What happened to you Marlena? You used to be stubborn and you used to fight with everything you had for what you wanted. The Marlena I knew didn't just *let* a DiMera take her family away."
"That's not fair," Marlena whispered, her voice tremulous.
"No, what's not fair is that you should be happy, that you have the opportunity to be happy and you're not taking it with both hands. Don't you think Belle and Brady deserve better than that?" He really was angry now, but it was more at himself than at her. It was becoming more and more apparent to him that while the last few weeks had immeasurable improved his life, assuming that he was going to be allowed to keep his life, for Marlena it had only made matters worse.

Several weeks of superficial happiness had only made her more confused and unsure of what to do. Far from her taking advantage of him, he felt that he had taken advantage of her weakness and insecurity. Instead of helping her, it seemed as though he had only hurt her more. Gene shook his head almost imperceptibly. He had been selfish and he had chosen not to see what it would do to Marlena. And now she was paying for that self-indulgence.

"Please don't do this to me Gene," she whispered, close to tears. "I'm *not* the same Marlena any more. I'm not that strong." She shook her head, the tear-drops shimmering as they dropped to her cheeks. "I'm scared and I don't know if I can make it through this."

"Of course you can," his voice immediately softened as he crossed the room quickly, knowing how much it must have killed her to admit that. "I'll help you." He put his hands on her shoulders so that she looked up. "I'll be with you every step of the way. Even if you don't have faith in yourself, I have faith enough in you for both of us."

She nodded and then buried her face in his shirt as he hugged her to him. Something told her it wasn't going to be quite that simple.


******

Wiping her tears away with surreptitious fingers, Sami turned and carried the mugs to the table.
"Are you sure he won't get out?" she asked again, trying to convince herself of the fact.
"Well, nothing is ever written in stone sweetheart, but I really can't see how they can let him go." John tried to soother her fears. "My bet is that you won't have to worry about him again. He'll be behind bars for a long, long time."
"How do they know he killed those policemen?" Sami asked as she wrapped her fingers around the handle of her mug and lifted it to her lips.
"It was a narcotics bust that went wrong. The two guys that the police *did* catch are turning state's evidence. They identified Grant Whitman, or Whittaker as the one that shot the two policemen."

Something rang a bell in Sami's head as she thought back a couple of weeks.
"Wasn't a policeman killed in Salem recently?" she asked, her brow wrinkled. "That one they found in the river. I remember Uncle Bo saying something, he and Hope had to go and tell the guy's wife. It was really rough because they had two young kids."

John nodded slowly.
"Pat Adamson," a shadow of grief passed over his face. "He worked at the station when I was there but I wasn't in town when he was killed. I wish I had known, I wouldn't have missed his funeral if I had." He looked thoughtful. "Pat was working undercover in narcotics last time I talked to him. Abe has probably already made the link, but it can't hurt to mention it."

Sami swallowed her mouthful of coffee and set the cup on the table. She looked up at John from under dark lashes, regarding him for a moment.
"I'm sorry John," she said finally, her voice soft.
"What for?" John looked surprised and a little baffled.
"For forgetting how hard it was for you. I guess I've been so wrapped up in myself all this time I forgot that you lost too. You lost more than any of us ever did."
"Samantha, that was the past," John still felt mildly uncomfortable about revealing the extent of his devastation at losing his family all those years ago.
"It might be the past, but *I* know doesn't make it any less important," Sami shrugged, "I know how much *I* hurt, I guess until I had Will, I could never have really understood how it must have affected you." She frowned, "and then when I did become a parent, I didn't *want* to see it."

"I can't dwell on it Sami," John said firmly. "If I obsessed over all the mistakes I've made I'd probably be insane right now. What happened did happen and yes it was hard. For *all* of us." He smiled discomfitedly. "But Sami we can't let what happened to us in the past dictate our future. We have to learn from our mistakes and our misfortunes, and take strength in the fact that we have come through the other side." Sami nodded her head but she seemed unconvinced.

"Anyway honey, I think I'd better make that phone call to Abe while you get dressed." He grinned boyishly as he pulled out his cell phone. "Then if you like, I'll take you out for lunch."


******

Gene watched Marlena as she picked at the piece of apple in front of her. He really hated feeling so powerless to help her. He wanted to tell her about the baby, the twin that Kristen carried, but still his hands were tied by the Continuum. They had been willing to send him back, but unwilling to allow him to lay the facts in front of Marlena. Supposedly they didn't want to make it too easy for him but he didn't understand, if they were so determined to have Marlena and John together why they didn't just *make* it easy. But then nothing was ever *easy* where the Q were concerned.

They had told him that if John and Marlena were to make it through this, if things were to be put right correctly, they had to find out the truths for themselves. He was just to guide them in the right direction.... if he could. But everything he had suggested so far seemed to have had little or no effect. In fact, the only thing he seemed to be able to do for her right now was to make things worse. He felt the ache of hopeless guilt, as he observed, not for the first time, her pale listlessness. Some friend he had been.

"Sweetheart," he sat down on the couch next to her. "If you won't go and talk to John, why don't you at least try and talk to Sami. Maybe that will help you feel better." Marlena's chin quivered slightly as she considered his words.
"I don't think that will help." Her voice carried the huskiness of draining emotion, "I don't think Sami will ever get over her anger at her me."
"So you're just going to give up trying?" Q shrugged his shoulders. "That doesn't seem like you."
"I didn't *say* that," she replied snappily, the roiling of her stomach getting the better of her. Her shoulders slumped as she returned to her inertia. "I just don't know that trying to talk to her again will help right now. The last person she wants to hear from is me. If you didn't see that last night...."
"Maybe the person she *most* wants to hear from is you," Q suggested, "she just doesn't know how to tell you any more."

"Oh Gene," Marlena shook her head, "this isn't the first time this has happened and every other time I *tried* and I pushed her, I just made things worse between us."
"Well, I don't think you help matters much by the way you treat her," Q tried to be gentle this time, but this was something he felt needed to be said. And he had been wanting to say it ever since he had moved into Marlena's apartment, he had just never quite found the courage, or the need before.
"What do you mean?" Marlena didn't sound sure that she wanted to know exactly what he meant.
"I mean that she uses your own guilt against you. And what's more you let her. You can't keep on accepting that kind of behaviour from her." He pulled the cushion out from behind him and hugged it in his arms. "She uses the past and your guilt about it to manipulate you. She plays the victim and you fall for it every time."

"I...." Marlena looked shocked. "Gene, that's not true. You don't know the things that Sami has been through. She's emotionally very fragile and yes, a lot of that is my fault."
"It's your fault how?" Q shook his head, seeing the situation very differently from Marlena. "You were *human* and you made a very human mistake. Four years ago. I'm sure it hurt Sami, but honestly Marlena, you didn't do anything *to* her. She got caught in the periphery of a devastating event between you and John and Roman. It seems to me that most people would grow up and move on from an event like that, learning from it. As far as I can see, Sami has stagnated and blamed your mistake and her pain for every subsequent thing she has done. And you shoulder the blame and the guilt for *everything* that she has suffered and every terrible deed she has done." He paused but Marlena's silent pallor convinced him to continue. "For the past four years, she's used your guilt to manipulate you into taking the blame for her own shortcomings. And if indeed you are to blame for anything she has done it is only because you have bought into her warped self-pity, accepting and not challenging her behaviour."

"How can you say that?" she whispered, her voice thick with tears.
" I can say it because it's true sweetheart," he knew it was painful and he didn't want to have to say this to her, but he knew her too well. She was too involved in the situation to be able to see the truth clearly. "She's got the potential to be a wonderful person your daughter, but she's so wrapped up in herself she can't be. Not until you stop letting this guilt you have rule your relationship with her."

Marlena closed her eyes and leaned her head back for a moment, contemplating his words. Finally she lowered her head and turned to him, Q seeing the inner struggle refracted through her dusky eyes.
"All right," her voice was raspy, "what do you suggest I do? I *do* feel guilty, I just can't shut that off."
"I think you can, at least you can begin to," Gene disputed. "And you begin by admitting that what you did wasn't the end of the world. You loved John, you made a very human mistake in a very difficult situation. But that was four years ago. Everyone has moved on with their lives since then. It's about time you forgive yourself and start getting on with your life too."
"But I..." Marlena began.
"Uh-uh," Q held up his hand and shook his head. "No ifs or buts. It's over. It's the past. Let it *go*."

Marlena swallowed and crossed her arms in front of her, her knuckles a bloodless white.
"You can say it," he encouraged her. It seemed to be an endless moment as he waited but finally and with slow deliberateness, Marlena nodded her head.
"It *is* the past isn't it?" she said softly, almost surprised by her ability to be able to admit it.
"Mmm-hmmm," Q nodded his head, a tentative smile on his lips. "You don't have to carry it round with you any more."

Marlena closed her eyes again, and as she did, a tear squeezed through her dark lashes and spilled over her pale skin. As Eugene slid his arms around her, more tears began to fall, tears that began the necessary process of washing away much of the guilt and pain that had tormented her for so long.

It was finally time to start again.





Lost Words

Eric looked out of the clinic window, his weary eyes blending the yellows and reds of the autumnal trees together as he stared over the river. He was tired, the result of a late night out with the cute nurse, but he hadn't gotten much further in his pursuit of information. Helen had cited patient confidentiality as he had tapped her for information and he had finally given up in favour of a fun few hours on the dance floor.

And this morning he had come back to the clinic and spent the last hour or so filling his father in on what had happened at home since he had been gone. As much as he *could* fill him in anyway. It wasn't like Eric had been there for any of it. He found it hard enough to believe some of the stuff himself, he couldn't exactly blame Roman for looking incredulous, especially when details like Marlena's possession had come up. In fact, during everything regarding Marlena, Roman had remained remarkably quiet, the silence becoming palpable when John's name was entered into the equation.

Finally, when Eric had paused for a few minutes, Roman had excused himself. Eric was occupying himself by eyeing the cityscape that Roman had gazed over every day for the last year.
"Sorry about that," Eric turned around at the sound of Roman's voice and watched him prop his cane up against the chair before he settled down into the seat. "So where were we?"
"Mom," Eric raised his eyebrows, "where else?"
"So you're telling me that after all this, after everything that John and Marlena have been through, that they're not together?" Roman seemed shocked. The story that Eric had told him had led him through a myriad of emotions. He wasn't even sure that he had even begun to understand what he had been told.

When he had left Salem, he knew he had devastated Marlena. He hadn't wanted to but he had known that there was no other way for him to survive the breakup of their marriage. He knew her too well, knew the depths of her emotions, knew that for her to do what she had done, she had to have loved John very deeply. He hadn't been able to reconcile himself to that fact, unable to live with the spectre of John always in their lives. The thought of always looking over his shoulder, waiting for John to come and claim his wife had been more than he could bear.

And so he had left. And though some part of him had kept alive a fantasy that she would be there for him when he returned, the more pragmatic Roman Brady had learned from experience that would not be so. Dr. Marlena Evans was too beautiful and too adorable to remain single for long.

That part of him had also known that John's heart belonged to Marlena as well, and he had fully expected Eric to tell him that they were blissfully married and raising a beautiful family. So he had been shocked to find out that this wasn't the case. A spark of hope momentarily ignited within him but it was quashed as his mind quickly reviewed what Eric had told him. He had spent too much time reflecting on his past while he had been isolated in this clinic to not know the truth.

The truth was that Marlena loved John Black, and she belonged with him. If nothing else, the events since he had been gone proved that. But still, Roman couldn't deny he still loved her. That had not diminished over time, and he knew immediately that if he went back, he might struggle to not reveal that to her.

"Nope," Eric shook his head, almost more confused than Roman, if possible. "I don't know what's going on, but it seemed like a few months ago they were on their way to getting back together, but then some drama happened with Kristen and if all fell apart. Mom threw John out. Last time I spoke to Sami she said that Mom was spending an awful lot of time with Eugene Bradford."

"Gene Bradford?" Roman was mildly surprised. "When did he come back to town?"
"Late last year," Eric raised his eyebrows, "He has been staying with Mom at the penthouse ever since and by all accounts, they've been pretty inseparable."
"Gene and your Mom were the best of friends when you were born," Roman said with a nostalgic smile. "Their friendship got off to a bit of a rocky start, and I must admit I thought he was pretty weird for a long time. But he was a pretty wonderful guy to your Mom and to me when we got into a few jams. If she needs a friend now, I'm glad he's around for her."
"If you listened to Sami you'd think that they were more than 'just good friends'." Eric didn't sound like he was too disbelieving of his sister.
"Well it sounds to me like your sister might not be a particularly reliable source these days." If there was anything Roman regretted, it was leaving his children when they had needed him so. He wanted the opportunity to make that up to them. If indeed, he could.

"Oh I don't know Dad," Eric shook his head. "She was pretty convincing. And she didn't like it one little bit either. She thinks he's a jerk and she hates that he's living with Mom."

Roman considered his son for a moment. What if what Eric was saying was true? What if Marlena had become involved with Gene Bradford. It seemed unlikely, but Roman had to admit that so much had happened since he had been gone that Marlena had to have changed. She had always had a deep affection for Gene. Could that have translated into something more? He shook his head, surprisingly unsettled by the thought.
"If Sami's right then I am sure that your mother has her reasons Eric," he said, a little tersely. "And Eugene is not a jerk. He's a nice guy and if it wasn't for him then none of us might be here. So I don't want you going around badmouthing him okay?"

Eric shrugged.
"I hardly remember the guy. I'm just telling you what Sami said. But whatever's going on in Salem at the moment Dad, whatever Mom is doing, I'm worried about her. I'm worried about them all."


******

Q endured the ride up in the rickety elevator with a nervousness unfamiliar to him. He wasn't even sure why he was doing this, other than he had made such a mess of things and now he had to put them right. For Marlena's sake.

It wasn't that he liked John Black, or even thought that he deserved Marlena. But it was John that Marlena loved and Q wanted more than anything to see her laugh again, to see the fire in her eyes that told him she was really living. It was up to him to make sure that happened.

He stepped out of the elevator and wiped his sticky palms against the stiff denim fabric of his jeans. He blew out a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He had no idea what he was going to say, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it he guessed.

He knocked sharply on the door and waited, silently grateful that he had been lucky enough to find Kristen coming out of the warehouse building as he arrived. He had waited a safe distance until she had gone before making his way up to the loft. Now he just hoped that John was here.

It became apparent a few moments later that John was indeed home as the loft door rasped open. However, John's expression darkened as he saw who waited on his doorstep.
"What the hell do you want?" His lips thinned as he confronted Q.
"I think we need to talk," Q said quietly. He had seen the loathing in John's eyes, but it wasn't anything he hadn't seen before and it didn't throw him too much. He didn't want to be John Black's best friend, he just needed to find out what the hell was going on. But it appeared that John wasn't going to make it that easy.

"What? You fell the need to tell me how *happy* you are?" John asked snidely. "You think you need to come and rub it in my face. Well you got what you wanted Eugene, just don't expect me to be *happy* for you." He turned away bitterly, unable to even look at the other man. The pain was still so raw he could feel it slicing through him.

"No John, you misunderstand-" Q began.
"Misunderstand?" John's anger exploded and he whirled round. All the pain and confusion he had been carrying around, suddenly had a nice and convenient target and he just couldn't stop it. His hand shot out and grabbed a hold on Q's sweater. Pulling the man inside the apartment, he bailed him up against the inside of the door. "Oh I don't think I've misunderstood at all. You pretended to be my friend and you *set me up*." He pulled Gene forward slightly and then thumped him back against the cold metal of the door. "You never wanted to help *me*. You just wanted me *occupied* while you took advantage of Marlena's weakness."

"Well if you had actually *listened* to me instead of moping around with your pitiful self-obsession, maybe Marlena wouldn't have been so quick to find someone else," Q reminded him nastily. John Black brought out the worst in him it seemed.

"You lying, two-faced, deceitful *bastard*," John launched him back into the door again, the force momentarily winding Q. "I don't know what the hell kind of game you're playing but I have one thing to say to you." His voice became low with a hint of menace about it and Q was mildly surprised to see real and palpable anger flashing in John's eyes as he backed off slightly. "If you *ever* hurt her, and I mean so much as even make her cry, I'll make sure you *pay*."

Q was silent for a moment, the strength of emotion coming from John overwhelming him. He suddenly felt a flash of sympathy for the man, matters suddenly not so black and white.
"What makes you think I'd hurt her?" he asked, shaking his head.

John stared at him, his blue eyes vividly intense as he dropped his hand and turned away.
"Because I never meant to either." His voice was choked back into his throat. "And look what a mess I made of things." Gene regarded him silently and then nodded his head slowly.
"We still need to talk," he stayed where he was until John turned around again.
"Why?" he shrugged exhausted shoulders. "How exactly is that going to help? *Who* is it going to help?" He crossed his arms in front of his chest, trying to contain the anger that was growing once again. "It might help salve your guilty conscience Eugene, but it's not going to help me. I doubt it'll help Marlena and it sure as hell won't help our *baby*."


******

"Sami?" Marlena pulled off her gloves as she stood in the doorway and waited for her daughter to turn around. Sami shoulder's slumped as she put her pen down.
"What do you want Mom?"
"I want to talk to you," Marlena crossed her arms and leaned against the doorframe, knowing instinctively that she had more patience than her daughter.
"Can't you see I'm busy with my homework?" Sami answered snappily, her back still turned.
"You can do your homework later," Marlena said firmly. "This is important."
"Oh it's always important when you deem it to be isn't it Mom?" Sami's long flaxen hair whipped around her shoulders as her head swung around. "Well I don't particularly want to hear anything you have to say, so why don't you just give it up now?" Her lips set into a thin, bloodless line and her blue eyes flashed icily and Marlena found her mind drifting back to all those years ago. Sami really hadn't grown up since then. She was still the same, lost little girl, flailing against a world she didn't want to understand.

"Well you're going to hear what I have to say whether you like it or not." Marlena told her in a low voice as she came up behind her. "I know that you're angry at me Samantha, and I'm sure that you feel that you have a right to be, but I'm not going to let your anger rule our relationship any more."
"What kind of psychobabble is *that*?" Sami said tersely as she slammed her book closed.
"It means that I want to help you Sami and I want you to *let* me help." She placed her hand on Sami's shoulder but it was shrugged off testily.
"I don't *need* your help," she replied cuttingly.
"Well I think you *do* need it," Marlena sat down on the chair next to Sami, but felt her heart sink as Sami turned away. "Sweetheart we *have* to get past this. You can't stay angry at me for your whole life."
"Want to try me?" Sami muttered.

Marlena sighed.
"Sami I made a very bad mistake. I hurt your father and I hurt you. I understand that, but that was *four* years ago. I think I've done my penance, don't you?"

"Nothing will *ever* make up for what you did to Daddy," Sami spat as she whirled around. "My god, you ruined his *life* and now you want me to forget it ever happened?"
"And you want me to carry around this guilt for the rest of my life." Marlena shook her head. "It's not going to happen Sami. I am sorry for what I did to Roman, but I've been to hell and back over it," she paused to reflect on the irony of that statement. "I just can't carry on like this. I can't let your anger at me destroy both of our lives. I *won't* let it."
"So what?" Sami shook her head, "we just hug and make up and every thing is hunky dory? I don't think so Mom."

"Sami, you have to realize that people are human. Neither your father or I are perfect, and we could never live up to your expectations." Marlena refused to let Sami's continuing coldness get to her. Eugene had been right. His words had crystallized what she had known all along but just hadn't wanted to admit. "I want to be the best mother to you that I can, but I can't be a *perfect* mother. That's asking the impossible."
"You got *that* right," Sami murmured under her breath.

Marlena paused for a moment, that unexpected barb catching her offguard.
"What do you want Sami?" she asked finally, not taking any pains to shield the hurt in her eyes. "Is it your goal to hurt me as much as you possibly can. Is it some kind of revenge? Because if it is, it's working." She shook her head breathlessly. "You know, I try and I try and it's not because I feel guilty. It's because I *love* you and I would do *anything* for you Sami. So you can try and hurt me all you like, and you can know that it's working. Because every time you say something like that it *tears* me up inside." The ache in her heart only increased as she voiced the words. She wanted her little girl back so much but she just didn't know if it was possible any more. "But you know what? However much it hurts I am *never* going to stop trying. You're my daughter and I love you. I want to help you and however much you push me away, I'm going to keep coming back. So you had better get used to the idea. Because we can keep on hurting each other, or we can come to terms with the past and *make* something of the present."

She paused and waited for Sami's next attack, but it never came. The room was strangely silent as her words hung between them. For her part, Sami was mulling over Marlena's words, unsure of how to respond. Actually, she was completely unsure of how she was feeling at this point in time. After the discussion with John last night, she wasn't sure if she could deal with this.

For four long years she had held onto the knowledge that what had happened had been her mother's fault, her mother's and John's and she had shielded herself with that knowledge. And she had withdrawn her love in order to protect herself. Now, she realized that it had also served as a more than useful tool of punishment. In her habitual self-defense she had hurt Marlena, and a part of her had enjoyed doing so. But now that she had been confronted with it, now that she really understood it as only a mother can, another part of her was horrified. And having sealed a truce with John, could she really continue to be angry at her mother?

Or was the better question, was she able to stop being angry?


******

John glared at Q, who had turned his head. "Yeah that's right, our *baby*. Did you forget that inconvenient little fact?" he asked bitterly. "How could you do it Eugene? How can you go to bed with her and wake up with her every morning and *lie* about something as important as that."
"Wouldn't you already know?" Q shot back automatically, attack his only form of defense. "You spent four years of your life lying to both Kristen *and* Marlena."
"It's not the same." John shook his head. "I didn't know how Marlena felt."
"That justifies it?" Q asked, feeling himself slipping onto treacherous ground.
"I didn't say that," John replied angrily. "I'm saying that you *knew * the score and you still lied. You seduced her knowing that she and I are going to have a baby. How do you think Marlena will feel when she finds out that little fact? You don't think that's going to hurt her?"

"John, you don't understand..." Q shook his head, covering his concern. It was a point he hadn't considered before, but John was right. He hadn't been honest with Marlena. How would she look at him when she found out the truth?
"Your damn *right* I don't understand," John gripped the mantelpiece with bloodless fingers. "You say you love her. How can you *do* that to her? Don't you think she has the right to make a fair choice?"
"You make it sound as if I lied to get her into my bed," Gene said slowly.
"Well how perceptive of you," John's sarcasm got the better of him.
"That's not how it was," Q shook his head. "If you would care to remember John, it was *you* that asked me not to tell Marlena the truth."
"Oh so now *I'm* to blame for your lies?" John shook his head with a confounded grimace. "I should have known."
"Look, you *really* don't understand," Q snapped frustratedly. "I'm not denying I made a mistake. I should never have gotten involved with Marlena, I know that now. But it's not as simple as you would like to believe John. I *didn't* seduce Marlena."

He thought about telling John exactly what *had* happened, and how there had been no way on earth that he could have refused Marlena. He *was* inhabiting a mortal and all too human body after all. Oddly enough though, he decided that John had suffered enough already. He didn't need to know the details, the ones he knew were probably bad enough. And more than that, he didn't want to involve Marlena any more than she had to be. There was already too much standing between John and Marlena as it was. If he had to be the bad guy in this scenario, he was more than willing to do it, he was hardly lily-white after all. Perhaps it would go a small way towards making up for some of the wrongs he had done.

"Oh, it just *happened* did it?" John's voice was heavily laced with sarcasm. "You were *swept* away by the force of your emotions?"
"Does it really matter *how* it happened?" Q sighed deeply. "I did let my emotions get the better of me. I really wanted to believe I could make Marlena happy, but I was wrong." He looked at John, his feelings mixed. "I won't say I'm happy about it, but what happened between us is over."
"Yeah sure," John looked disbelieving.
"It's true," Q shrugged his shoulders, trying to minimize the pain he was feeling. "It finally became clear to me that Marlena will only be truly happy with you, so it's over."
"Well, how big of you," John's expression revealed that he was unimpressed. "But why don't I believe that's the case?"

"Look, if it was just you, I wouldn't even be here," Q was becoming patently irritated with John's continuing refusal to listen to him. "I think Marlena deserves better than you, but obviously life doesn't quite work out that way. She's miserable and she's sick about what has happened between the two of you." John glared at him wanting to believe him but unsure of his motivations. It was a fact that Eugene had already proved he couldn't be trusted an inch. John wasn't about to take him at face value now. He was sure there was some ulterior motive.

"So what's brought about this sudden change of heart?" he asked, his tone still loaded with suspicion. Gene contemplated him for a moment, wondering how much John would be willing to hear, let alone believe. Finally he answered slowly.
"I think that's something that you had better ask Marlena."


******

"Why are you worried Eric?" Roman asked gently.
"I don't know exactly," Eric shook his head. By all accounts, nothing overly dramatic was happening in Salem. Nothing more dramatic than usual anyway. It was just the impression he got. "No-one is quite themselves Dad. From the conversations I've had with the family, it's like there's this omnipresent tension. No-one is behaving like themselves. From what I can gather, they haven' t for a long time." He shook his head with a wry smile, "maybe there's something in the water."
"It doesn't sound like you have a lot to go on son," Roman commented carefully. "How long is it since you've been home?" Eric reddened slightly at the question.
"I haven't been home since you left," he admitted.

Only the flicker of an eyelid betrayed Roman's surprise.
"But that was almost three years ago," he said quietly.
"Well I didn't exactly have a lot to go home to after you left did I?" Eric replied defensively. "An empty house isn't exactly welcoming."
"You could have gone to your mother's," Roman pointed out.
"Well, Mom had her own problems," Eric pushed himself out of his chair and turned to look out of the window again.
"And I can't believe that you knew everything that was going on and you didn't want to see your family." Roman found it difficult to reconcile this with the caring young man that he had been seeing. "You didn't even try and make it home for Carrie's wedding?"
"Look Dad, I didn't come halfway around the world for a lecture okay?" Eric turned around irritably. "I had my reasons for not being in Salem, just like you had yours."

"Okay, okay," Roman nodded. Eric was right, he couldn't really point the finger. He had left his family when they were vulnerable and he had regretted it more than once. Especially now he actually knew what had happened to them while he had been away. "But that still doesn't change the fact that you're telling me there's a problem back in Salem."
"No it doesn't," Eric shook his head. "I can't tell you why Dad, I just have a really bad feeling in my gut. Someone's in trouble."

"And what do you think *I* can do about it?" Roman asked carefully.
"You can come back with me Dad," Eric suddenly had a measure of eagerness about him. "As far as I can gather you don't need to be *in* a hospital and you could recover just as well at home." He came to where Roman was sitting and crouched in front of the chair. "They all need you Dad," his deep blue eyes were expectant, "especially Mom."

Roman stared down at his son and suddenly wondered what exactly it was that he was expecting.


******

"Sami," Marlena tried again, encouraged by the slight thaw in Sami's demeanor. "All I'm asking is that you give me a little leeway. I know you've been through a terrible ordeal, and you don't know how sorry I am that I couldn't prevent you having so suffer that. But maybe I can help you deal with some of the aftermath."
"Mom, I don't need a shrink," Sami said with remarkable forbearance. "I'm doing just fine over this. You don't need to worry about me."
"But I do worry about you Sami," Marlena shook her head. "And I'm not talking as a psychiatrist, I'm talking as your mother, and a woman who has stood in the same place you are standing in now." Her voice became suffused with emotion. "And I know it's not an easy place to be."
"Oh come on Mom," Sami rolled her eyes dramatically. "How can you possibly know how I feel?"

Marlena took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying to rid herself of the irrational fear that still gripped her from time to time. Mostly she didn't think about it, she shut it away where it didn't have the power to hurt her. But occasionally the memories crept through a chink in her defenses and the emotions still had the capacity to leave her breathless.
"I would have told you after..." she paused, steeling herself, "after Alan." She noted how Sami flinched at the name. "But you would barely let me talk to you, let alone help you."
"Told me what Mom?" A strange chill ran up Sami's back as she saw a strange far-away look in Marlena's eyes, a look that she recognized only too well.
"It was before I met your father, in fact it wasn't too long after I split up with Don," she pressed her lips together. "I was working for a man called Kellam Chandler. We spent some time together and then..." she swallowed, still finding it an ordeal to even talk about Kellam after all these years. "Kellam began to get...obsessive. Eventually he asked me to marry him. When I said no he...." she paused, having to take another breath to stop her voice shaking. She looked down at her hands on the table and discovered that they were shaking too.

She couldn't bear the thought that her own daughter was sharing this pain, and that was her impetus to reveal her own. If Sami understood that she really *did* have some idea how she felt, then maybe she wouldn't be so quick to turn down her help. Looking up, she met Sami's inquisitive eyes.

She spoke again in a soft voice, the soothing tone at odds with the harsh reality that it conveyed.
"I guess I should make a long story short. Kellam forced his way into my apartment when I was alone and..... he...." She covered her mouth with her hand as she tried to form the words. Even now the memory was overpowering and she could still feel his hands, the smothering pressure of his body on hers. She shook herself out of the trance she had fallen into and she felt her eyes burning. Finally she gained enough composure to drop her hand and in a voice that was little more than a whisper, she voiced it.

"He raped me."

Sami stared at her mother in shock. She never would have imagined in a million years that her own mother, the perfect Dr. Marlena Evans, harbored a secret like that.
"Mom, I...." Her voice fade into nothingness. What did one say to a revelation like that? It was as though her mother had completely changed before her eyes.

Marlena blinked and a tear spilled from each eye, betraying a pain that was still distinct. Raising a trembling hand, she brushed away the tears defiantly.
"The really odd thing about this situation Sami, is that a couple of years later I was held hostage by one of my ex-patients." Marlena gave a wavering smile. "I was never in any real danger, not like you were last night, but it was terrifying all the same. It brought back all those memories that I thought I had buried forever. Thankfully," her smile was stronger now, "I had your Daddy there to help me through it." She paused and laid her hand on the table. "That's why you have to let your family help you through this." She inched her hand towards Sami's and then gently laid her fingers over the top of her daughters. When Sami didn't pull away, she smiled. "I really think that I do understand some of what you are going through. Won't you let me help you sweetheart?"

Sami frowned, not entirely listening to what Marlena was saying. Something had rung a bell.
"Who was the patient?" she asked abruptly.
"I'm sorry?" Marlena shook her head, confused by Sami's question.
"The ex-patient, the one that held you hostage," Sami repeated impatiently. Marlena's brow wrinkled as she considered Sami's question.
"Is it important?" she asked carefully.
"Well, yeah, I'd think so, considering what he did to you." Sami pulled her hand away, her suspicions tipped by Marlena's evasiveness. "Who was he Mom?"

Marlena sighed, knowing this was exactly where the conversation shouldn't be headed. Knowing that that one slip was about to undo all the work that she had done. With almost excruciating slowness, she balled up her fist and looked up at her daughter.

"It was Eugene Bradford."





Once Bitten, Twice Awry

"What do you mean what am I expecting?" Eric played innocent.
"I mean what exactly are you expecting to happen if I come back to Salem?" Roman raised his eyebrows. "Because the way you said that about your mother makes me wonder."
"I didn't mean anything by it," Eric shrugged. Roman said nothing, just watched his son closely. Eric had changed since he had last seen him, but in many ways, he was still the same boy he had been. And Roman knew when he was lying.

Finally Eric's face reddened.
"Okay, okay," he held up his hands. "I admit it. I guess I'm hoping that if you come home that you and Mom might get back together. I mean it's not like she has a whole lot else going on. And I know that..." his sentence stuttered to an end as he saw Roman shaking his head slowly.
"It's not going to happen Eric," he said in a quiet voice.
"How do you know?" Eric's reply was petulant. "You've been away for so long. How can you know what's going to happen?"
"Eric," Roman sighed, "did you listen to *any* of what you told me earlier?"
"No Dad, you don't understand," Eric refused to hear what Roman was saying. "The reason all that happened to Mom was that she was so devastated about you leaving. I know if you came home that you can make it right again, you can..."
"*No* Eric," Roman shook his head, "you're kidding yourself if you think there's any hope for Marlena and I."
"But Dad," Eric started sounding uncomfortably like a small child being refused a toy.

"Eric," Roman sounded tired, "I *left* your mother. She went through an awful lot and it was John there with her, not me."
"That didn't mean she didn't *want* you there Dad," Eric argued. "She turned to John because he was there and you weren't."
"I can't believe you're saying that after what you told me yesterday," Roman shook his head. "Look I understand that you want your family back together son, but it's even more plain to me than it was three years ago. Marlena might well love me, but she loves John more. That's just the way it is."
"Then why isn't she with him?" Eric questioned sulkily.
"I can't answer that, I'm just saying that if you're hoping to see your mother and I together again, you're going to be disappointed." Roman's eyes were sad. "There was one thing you were right about, your mother being devastated when I left. I had my reasons, but I'm always going to regret that decision." He shook his head. It was the first time he had given voice to these thoughts and he felt surprisingly sure of them. "However that doesn't change the fact that it happened. I walked out on your mother and I didn't fight for our marriage. I can't expect Marlena to take me back after that. I don't expect it. And if *you* do, I think you're going to be sorely disappointed."


******


"Oh so you can tell me that Marlena's unhappy, but not why. And you can tell me that you've split up with her but not why." John shook his head. "And you expect me not to realize that you're setting me up."
"What?" Gene was confused.
"Oh come on Eugene, I might be gullible but I'm not an idiot," John said angrily. "You expect me just to believe everything you say after the stunts you've pulled?"

"John, I'm sorry if that's what you think this is," Q started.
"I don't need you playing games with my life," John growled. "I don't even know why I'm listening to this. You might have Doc fooled, but you're not fooling me." He stalked to the door and yanked it open. "I want you out of here. *Now*."

Q rolled his eyes in his head.
"If you throw me out of here you're even more stupid than I thought," he said cuttingly. "Look, I can't help you if you won't help yourself."
"I don't *want* your help," John hissed. "Just look at where your help has gotten me so far. And you think I would want more of the same?" He narrowed his eyes. "Thanks but *no* thanks."
"Exactly why *did* you move that DiMera trollop back in here?" Q changed the subject, taking John by surprise. "I mean *really* John, I thought you had more taste than that." "And *why* exactly is it any of your business?" John could almost feel his blood pressure rising. It was as though every syllable that Q uttered wracked his stress level a notch higher until he could barely think straight.
"Come on John," Q only just restrained himself from rolling his eyes. John's refusal to co-operate at even a superficial level was becoming increasingly tedious. "You must have known what it was going to do to Marlena. She was absolutely devastated." He shook his head. "I thought we had agreed that you were going to continue to pursue Marlena."
"So did *I*," John returned furiously. "How *dare* you make a judgement like that after doing what you did." He had to turn away from the other man to resist the growing urge to connect his fist with that infuriatingly smug face. Taking several deep breaths, he finally turned back, the muscle in his cheek twitching furiously. When he spoke, his voice was low and solid. "I did what I *had* to in order to keep my child safe. *You* did what you *wanted* to, to satisfy your own selfish wants."

Gene looked mildly surprised, but said nothing.
"And I have no intention of taking this conversation with you any further, so," he pointed at the open doorway, "there's the door. Use it."

Q looked at the door and then looked at John's dark countenance. He was only making matters worse. As usual.
"All right." He nodded his head soberly. "You don't want to talk to me, I suppose that's reasonable, given the circumstances." He paused for a moment, looking around the loft. Kristen's blouse hung loosely over the back of a chair and a kit-set crib was propped up in the corner, ready to be put together. "I think at the very least Marlena deserves to know the truth." He looked back at John, his gaze hard. "The *real* truth. You can't keep her in the dark forever."
"We already discussed why I can't do that," John was defensive.
"That was before you went and moved that woman back into your apartment. Now I don't know what on earth possessed you to do *that* but if you love Marlena as much as you claim to, don't you think she deserves to know at least the facts?"

John remained silent but his glare spoke volumes.
"Okay, so you don't want to talk to me, I get the picture," Q shook his head, "all I ask is that you talk to Marlena. *She's* the one that's suffering, she's the one that's confused and hurt. The least you owe her is an explanation of why you've put her through that."

With that he turned and walked through the door, not looking back. John watched him go, his lips tight and bloodless, Q's words reverberating in his ears as he wondered how, once again, everything had become *his* fault.


******


"Eugene Bradford?" Sami looked incredulous. "It was Eugene Bradford who took you hostage?" She seemed appalled and Marlena moved quickly to counter her misapprehensions.
"It wasn't like that sweetie. I told you, I wasn't in any danger. It was more that he was confused than anything else."
"Oh yeah sure," Sami nodded her head with heavy sarcasm, "I go around taking people hostage all the time when I'm confused. What the hell is *wrong* with you Mom?"
"Excuse me?" Marlena stiffened, Sami's attack raising her natural defenses.
"The man kidnaps you, scares you half to death and then you move him into your house and leave your children with him?" Sami eyed her mother with naked condemnation. "I guess I shouldn't neglect to mention that not only is he in your home, but he's in your *bed* too. Way to go Mom." She pushed herself out of her chair and walked across the room.

"What happened, happened a *long* time ago." Marlena said in a firm voice, tired of being held to ransom over her past. Nothing she said to Sami now was going to change her daughter's opinion, she knew that now. "Eugene redeemed himself and became a loyal and trusted friend to both me, and your father. And you know if he hadn't been such a good friend to us, we *never* would have given you his name." She shook her head. "I'm sorry if you don't like him Sami, but I'm not about to explain myself to you again."
"How convenient for you," Sami turned back, resentment written all over her face.
"I would hardly call this situation *convenient*." Marlena stood with a slight air of annoyance. "But what I do in my personal life is not up for debate any more." She paused momentarily regarding her daughter. "I'm sorry that you feel you have to criticize every choice I make Sami, but I never claimed to be perfect. So now you can either accept what I have to offer you, or we can continue this standoff indefinitely. It's your choice."

Sami was unusually silent as she stared at her mother, her pale cheeks flushing maddeningly.
"For the record," Marlena's voice was thick, like soft amber honey, "Gene and I have ended our relationship. And I'm sorry I haven't been there for you," she shook her head "I would have done anything to prevent what happened last night."
"Sorry doesn't make it better Mom," Sami shook her head, her eyes filling with tears. "I needed you and you weren't there. I called you and you never answered the phone." Her face hardened. "You never change. You say that I can't let go of the past? Well how the hell can I when you keep re-creating it?" She narrowed her eyes. I was almost *raped* out there Mom. *Again.*" She shook her head, her lips thinning. "Well, I hope *he* was worth it."

She made for the door, stalking past her mother, aiming for a dramatic exit, but Marlena was having none of it. She caught Sami's arm and pulled her around so that she was facing her.
"Sami, this has to *stop*." Sami felt as if Marlena's intensely hazel eyes could see right through her and she shrank back. "I made a mistake. And you can punish me all you want, but *I'm* not the only one you are hurting here." She wished mere words could infuse into Sami the importance of what she needed to hear, but she feared that as usual, Sami would hear, but not listen. But she spoke anyway. "Sami, sweetheart, you have to stop using the past as a crutch. You're leaning on the past instead of moving on with the future. You have to stop using it as an excuse to hurt the people that love you, because in the end you're hurting yourself just as much as everyone else."

She let Sami go and drew herself up straight.
"You have to make a decision Sami, because the ball is in your court now. The rules have changed and I'm not going to be manipulated by the past anymore. So it is down to you to decide if your family is important enough to you to make the effort. Because I have tried and tried, but nothing is ever going to change until you try too."

She picked up her purse and her gloves from the table.
"If you want to talk to me, all it will take will be a word from you and I will be here." She turned for the door, but with her hand on the knob, she turned back, speaking in a low, soft voice. "I would like nothing more in the world than to make this world perfectly safe for you. But you're a mother now, you know that's not possible. Please don't punish us all because I can't give you the unattainable."

With that, she turned and left the room, leaving Sami more than a little stunned.


******


Eric glared at his father, the angry stare of a child who could not get his own way. Roman wondered, not for the first time, if Marlena's parents had indulged him a little too much. Then the thought filtered into his mind that maybe it had not been Frank and Martha Evans that had been too indulgent. Maybe it had been him.

And from what he had heard from Eric, it sounded like Sami was no better, and goodness knows he had let her get away with far too much.
"Come on Eric," he sighed. "It's not the end of the world."
"You're giving up Dad, before you even know the situation." The young man shook his blonde head. "You're giving up without even trying. *Again*." The accusatory tone did not sit well with Roman.
"And what would you have me do?" he asked his son tersely.
"Come home Dad and just talk to Mom, you have no idea how she is feeling. I think she'd be much more open to the idea of you two getting back together than you're expecting."
"That may well be true," Roman spoke slowly. In some ways, it was that that made him want to stay away. Because he knew that this time, if she asked him to take her back, he might not be able to resist her. Taking a deep breath, he focussed his soft brown eyes on his son. "Eric, I think you're missing the point here."
"Well would you like to fill me in on what this point is?" Eric demanded angrily. "Because so far I haven't heard one good reason for why you don't want to give this a go." He shook his head. "You know I think you owe it to Sami and I to at least *try*, I think we deserve to have a family together after everything we've been through."

That comment was enough to stun Roman into silence. He could barely believe he had brought up his child to be that selfish.
"After everything *you've* been through?" he asked incredulously. "Have you even spared your mother a thought in this scheme of yours? Have you even bothered to wonder what she might want? Or me for that matter." He bit back more harsh words and fell silent for a moment. "I would love to be able to give you the family you want and maybe even deserve Eric," he said quietly. "But you have a little sister who I think needs a family more than you or Sami do right now. Belle and Brady need their mother and their father together. I don't want to stand in the way of that."

Eric said nothing for a moment, pondering on his father's words for long minutes. He still thought Roman was being too premature in his decision, but obviously, he wasn't going to have his mind changed here. Maybe once he talked to Marlena again he might change his mind.
"Okay Dad," he conceded. "You win. Will you at least come home with me. I know the rest of the family wants you back, and you can recover at home just as well as you can here. And at least you won't be under the ISA's thumb at home."

"Oh, they'll keep tabs on me, wherever I am, don't you worry," Roman shook his head dourly as he considered Eric's request. He wasn't entirely sure that he was ready to come home, to face the family, to face Marlena. Eric was right, he had run out on her, and he wasn't entirely sure he could come back, not like this. The last thing he wanted was for Marlena to feel she owed him something, and he couldn't bear thinking that she might pity him.

He had always wanted to be strong, to be the best husband and father he could, and he wasn't sure how he could fit into that equation as he was. He still had major lapses in memory and his mobility was compromised. He had intended to only go back if he could walk off the plane unaided. But Eric's request had him reconsidering. Didn't he at least owe it to his children to be there for them? They had been through so much already while he had been away.

His mind drifted back to Marlena and the last glimpse he had caught of her tearstained face as he had turned for the plane. The little familiar ache revisited him, as it always did when he thought of her. He knew in his heart that everything he had told Eric was right and he believed it. He had caused her such pain and he wanted to be able to help her put her life back together. The way he had once before. Only this time, he wouldn't be the one that ended up with her.

But if he went back would he be able to handle seeing her with John? Would the pain have diminished any over the last three years or would he still feel as though someone were tearing him apart every time he looked at her? Would he be able to resist the allure of her laughter, her scent, or the way her skin felt like soft velvet? Once he let that sunshine into his life, would he be willing and able to let it go again?

Roman thought all these thoughts, but voiced none of them to his son. Finally though, the answer became clear to him as he looked around the spartan room, its only decoration a photo of his family. He didn't belong here.

He looked up at Eric with a tentative smile.
"Actually, you know I think I quite like the idea of getting out of this place." Eric grinned widely.
"Great, I'll make all the arrangements, don't you worry." He pushed out of the chair and stopped in the doorway. "I'll have you out of here in no time."


******


Q found Marlena as she walked back to her car in miserable silence.
"How did it go?" he asked gently. Marlena turned her luminous hazel eyes on him.
"Well, I took your advice," she shrugged tiredly. "It didn't go any better then any other time in the last few years, but then I guess it didn't go any worse either." She laid her hand over her stomach in a protective gesture, her face pale. "I just want to go home."
"Sure," Gene opened the passenger's door for her and helped her in. She leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes, willing the ache behind them to go away.

It was only minutes from the Brady's to Marlena's penthouse and the drive was made in silence. They were back inside the apartment by the time Marlena thought to ask what Eugene had done while she had been with Sami.
"I'm sure you don't want to know," he handed her a cup of herbal tea and helped her swing her legs up onto the sofa.
"Oh Gene," she looked like she was dreading what was to come next. "What have you done?"

He looked a little sheepish as he sat down on the floor next to her.
"I went to see John," he said simply. Her shoulders slumped and she shook her head.
"Why Gene?" she propped her elbow up on one of the sofa cushions and rested her head on her hand. "Please don't tell me you told him..."
"No, I didn't tell him about the baby," Q shook his head, "that's not my place."
"It wasn't your place to go there at *all* Gene," Marlena said a touch angrily. "Did you really think it would do any good?"
"You haven't even asked me what happened." Q raised his eyebrows. "And for the record yes, I hoped it might do some good. Someone has to make you two see sense."

"So what happened?" Marlena knew John well enough to suspect what had happened. His pride had been hurt and Eugene would probably be the ideal target for his anger and frustration.
"He wasn't particularly receptive," Q admitted, seemingly unrepentant once again. "But I think I may have convinced him to talk to you. Now all that remains is to convince *you* to talk to him."

Marlena took a sip of her tea and let the sweet and delicate chamomile flavour filter through her senses.
"What's the point?" she sounded exhausted and resigned. "It's like we're strangers now. We can't even talk to each other."
"You don't even try for the most part." He was persistent. "Make the first step, at least try. How can you know where that will take you?"
"But neither of us trusts each other any more." She shrugged her shoulders, not argumentative, just despondent. "How can we build a relationship on that?"

Q watched her close her eyes and lean her head back, giving in to the fatigue that pervaded her and he felt a doubt fall across his own consciousness. What if he couldn't do this, what if he had messed it up too badly for John and Marlena to find their way back to each other?

What would become of them all then?





Letters

March 17, 1997

My sweet baby,

I am writing this letter knowing you will never see it. I am hoping that getting my thoughts down on paper will help me to make some sense of them. I love you so much already little one and I know that your Daddy will love you just as much as I do. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful father to your brother Brady and your sister Belle.

Little one, I do fear though that I have made too many mistakes for us to be a family, and I regret that more than anything. Eugene is right. You do all deserve more than I have given you. You deserve more of me than this, and you deserve more of your father. We have let our own fears and insecurities manifest to a point where it has become impossible to give you the family that you should be born into. I don't know how to make that right darling. I wish I did. I would give you anything in the world that I could. I just don't think it's possible for me to give you that.

What complicates matters is that your Daddy is expecting a baby brother or sister for you too. Why is it fair that one family has to suffer over the other? And who is to say who is the more deserving? I really can't answer that. I can only tell you that from the bottom of my heart I love you, and I will give you the best life I know how.

I love you
Momma


March 19, 1997

For my son or daughter,

I struggle daily to make sense of this situation we have been thrown into and I worry that I am not doing a very good job of it. When I found out the truth, I made a vow to protect you with everything I had until you were safe and your mother and I could be together with you. As it turns out little baby, that won't be possible.

Eugene Bradford tells me I should talk to your mother and tell her the truth. But what risk that would bring to you. If Kristen were to ever find out.....

I feel like I am caught in a maze that has no exit, a riddle with no answer, and the only truth is the love I feel for you and your brother and sister. And of course the love that I have for your mother. That is something special baby, but I am not sure that she remembers it any more. I failed her too many times. I hurt her and let her be hurt....how can I expect her to forgive me when I can't forgive myself.....?

I want you to know that I will always be here for you. And I *will* love you and I will fight for you when you need me to. Never doubt that your mom and your dad will *always* love you.

Daddy


March 20, 1997

Darling,

It's late and I am off to bed soon. Belle and Brady are tucked up and sleeping soundly. I just love watching them sleep. I can't wait for you to meet them, I know they will love you as much as I do.

I have hired a new nanny for them, a friend of Carrie's. Her name is Lucie, and she is wonderful with them. She makes them laugh in even the most serious of situations. She tells me she knows Carrie from school, but she has been away from Salem for a while. There is something about her......I don't know what it is, but I find it a little unnerving. Still, I trust Carrie's judgement.

It has been a very long week and I have not heard a word from Samantha. I don't know what to do, it's an impossible situation. I have made mistakes and I wish I could turn back the clock and change things, but I can't. I ache for you and for the family that you should have. It seems so terribly unfair and you deserve so much more than I am able to give you. But we will do the best that we can little one, and maybe some day, we will get what we wish for.

All my love


******

Marlena sat in her office and stared at the paper in front of her. The words swam momentarily and she shook her head. She hadn't been sleeping well and her concentration was suffering for it. She dropped her forehead into her hand and waited for the dizziness to stop. The last thing she needed was for everyone at the hospital to start gossiping about her ill-health.

It had been almost a week since she had realized that she was pregnant, but she hadn't yet been able to find the nerve to tell anybody about it. She couldn't bring herself to face John again, she didn't have the courage or the energy. But still, she felt as though she couldn't share the news with anyone until he knew.

Eugene was still maintaining that she should talk to John and her continued refusals had caused a strained atmosphere in the penthouse. Marlena's biggest regret in all this was that the friendship between her and Gene had been affected adversely. She felt she couldn't talk to him about John anymore, he was too torn, and had too much of a vested interest in the outcome to be objective. And she didn't want to hurt him any more than she already had. And so, once again, she was left to her own counsel, an unrelenting past and a fervent desire to do what was best for her children.

A knock at the door interrupted her train of thought and she looked up.
"Yes?" The door opened slightly and Austin's head appeared around the corner.
"Hi Marlena," his greeting was tentative, "Hillary isn't around anywhere and I was wondering if I could have a word?"
"Sure come in," Marlena was almost relieved to have something to take her mind off her own problems. She took off her glasses and lay them on the desk in front of her. "What can I do for you Austin?"
"It's Carrie," Austin's chin was thick with stubble as he sank into a chair opposite Marlena's desk.
"What about Carrie?" Marlena inter-laced her fingers and rested her chin on top of them.

Austin sighed and crossed one ankle over the top of his other knee. He pulled his leg toward him with both hands.
"I don't know if Carrie told you Marlena, but we've been having some problems lately." He nodded with culpability, "mostly my fault I know that."
"She did mention it yes," Marlena admitted.
"Well, she's gone away, and I don't know where. She left a note, but I haven't heard from her for almost a week and I'm starting to get worried." Austin's eyes really did convey his concern to Marlena and she felt a measure of sympathy for her son-in-law.

"I know she went away," she said slowly, "in fact, it was on my advice Austin." She leaned back in her chair. "Carrie has been very confused and hurt by your reaction to her pregnancy. She feels like you're rejecting *her* and she needs some time to deal with those feelings."
"But that's not it at all," Austin shook his head rapidly. "I love Carrie, I didn't want to hurt her, it's just things got out of control."
"That's as may be," Marlena told him, "but you need to talk to *Carrie* and explain that to her. And you can only do that when she decides she's ready to come back to Salem. Until then you have to wait and try and work out what your own feelings are on the matter."
"But I'm *worried* about her Marlena," Austin seemed agitated.
"I understand that," Marlena was a counterpoint of calm to Austin's perturbation. "But this is Carrie's choice and you need to respect that if you want to make this work. Carrie is a big girl and she can look after herself. I think your time would be better spent thinking about how you are going to proceed once she gets home."

Her voice was firm and Austin nodded meekly. She was right, Carrie could look after herself. If it wasn't for this unexplained fear that kept invading when he least expected it......

He stood with a forced smile.
"Thanks for your time," he walked to the door.
"Austin," her voice made him turn back. "I know you love her . She loves you too, you just need to learn to trust that love. She'll be all right."

Austin said nothing, but just nodded, apparently unpersuaded. Marlena watched him leave the office and shook her head. Why was it that she was so good at doling out advice, but so terrible at following it?


******

March 26, 1997

Well little baby, I still don't know if you are going to be a little guy or a little girl. They couldn't tell at the ante-natal check-up this afternoon. Still, maybe the surprise will be nice. Then again, maybe there are going to be enough surprises anyway. However the doctors are a little concerned that you are not growing as fast as you should be. They think that maybe the drugs that Kristen took interrupted your growth. I must admit I am worried about you little one, the doctors cannot tell what lasting effects that might have.

All I can do is wait and pray that the Lord has seen fit to keep you safe. After all that we have been through I cannot think otherwise. Your sister Sami asked after you the other day. I want to be able to tell her, to tell them all the truth, but I can't. Not yet.

We just have to wait I guess, it's only a few more months and then everyone will know. Whether it will make a difference is anyone's guess.

Love, Daddy



March 26, 1997

Baby,
I just dropped your brother Brady back at your mother's. She was no-where to be seen. The new nanny seems very nice, though I have a strange feeling I have seen her somewhere before. There is something oddly familiar about her.

I saw Eugene briefly, he looks tired and it was very awkward. Sometimes I wonder if I was too hasty in not believing him. Sami seems to think that Marlena is no longer "seeing" him, but that's all I can get out of her. I can't tell at all these days how she feels about Marlena one way or the other. I guess that's better than the outright hostility that your momma has had to endure all these years. Maybe the healing that has taken place in the relationship between Sami and I may one day set about a thaw in her relationship with Marlena. Your Mom is a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. I only hope that Sami can one day see that. Before it is truly too late.

I suppose that once you are born you will live with your Mommy. I hope it is not too confusing for you, because it's sure confusing for me. I feel all turned around, I don't know how to make sense of this situation, or even *if* there is a way to make sense of it. I don't understand how your mom and I have managed to do this to each other. I love her and I am sure she still loves me. But it seems impossible for us to even communicate anymore, there are too many roadblocks between us. Of course, it's impossible to explain this to you, because how can I expect you to understand this if I don't understand it myself....?


******

Marlena stopped in front of the shop façade and looked at the window. The tiny outfit in the window elicited a smile from her and she pressed her fingers to the glass as she looked past it and into the shop. After a moment, she looked around and then she stepped into the shop.

Inside the newness of everything assaulted her senses. The colour, the smell, the feel of the soft fabric against her fingers. At the end of the store, parents with their newborn selected a stroller. As Marlena neared them, the scent of new baby drifted past her and she ached with the memories that it induced. She would give anything to be sharing this with John, this profound joy that she felt at the knowledge of the new life within her. But it wasn't to be.

Carefully, she selected a tiny cotton nightgown from the rack and fingered the soft creamy fabric. She could remember Belle wearing something similar when she had been a newborn. Before everything had changed.

Picking up a second nightgown, she turned to look at the cribs, but inexplicably her eye was drawn upward, to the doorway. She felt faintly sick as she saw John standing there. Her eyes made a desperate sweep for Kristen, but John was alone. And he had seen her.

For John's part, he had seen her just a fraction of a second before she had looked up and it had hit him even harder than it had hit her. This was the last place he had expected to find Marlena and it threw him for a loop.

He stared at her for a moment, his eyes greedily taking in every detail. She had cut her hair recently and it was now in a shoulder length bob, which looked beautifully sophisticated. She was wearing a lilac coloured spring suit which showed off her long shapely legs, and the gold at her ears brought out the gold in her eyes so that they shone.

"John," her voice was breathy as she came toward him. "I...."
"I didn't expect to see you here Marlena," his voice remained firm, belying the extent of his nervousness. Her mere presence was enough to make his head swim, but he couldn't let her see that.
"Well I...." Her eyes fell to the garments in her hands, at the same moment as John's did. He noticed the flush of her cheeks as she looked up again. "I...."
"It's all right," he shook his head a little brusquely. "You don't have to explain." He wasn't at all sure he wanted to know what her explanation was. Whatever it was he could almost guarantee he wouldn't like it.

He brushed past her and walked into the store. He had snuck out while Kristen had been at the hairdressers, and he had come to buy something for the baby. Kristen had already brought what seemed like hundreds of outfits. But they had been *her* choices. When his baby was born, the last thing he wanted to dress it in were clothes that Kristen had selected.

Marlena turned to watch him, crossing her arms in front of her as though she could ward off the pain that invaded her at his brush off. It was an ache in her chest, a longing and an emptiness magnified a thousand fold as her eyes followed him, watching the way his fingers skimmed the velvet of a little dress or the denim of a pair of shorts. She could almost feel those fingers touching her, the familiar touch burning sensual pathways over her skin as they teased her.

She froze as John turned to face her, his eyes piercing her soul as though he knew her every thought. Closing her eyes, she gripped the rail of the crib beside her as a wave of dizziness crashed through her senses. Seeing her suddenly pale and her distress was too much for John and he dropped the jumpsuit he was holding. Without any thought but for her, he rushed back to Marlena.

"Doc, are you all right?" he asked with concern. He had no answer as another rush of dizziness overcame Marlena. "Doc?"





Letters II

The worry in John's voice perforated the fog in her head and Marlena was suddenly aware of how close he was. He was practically holding her in his arms and she could smell the sweet muskiness of him. Her heart tapped out a staccatto rhythm as she raised her head to look at him.

He was so close that she could see the flecks of grey in eyes that looked as though they had been dyed the colour of the Pacific Ocean. But, more than that, she could see the *truth* in them. And it took her breath away.

Wordlessly and with sweetly excruciating slowness, she nodded.

With relief, John smiled and loosened his grip on her arms. He was almost giddy with her closeness, but he didn't want the moment to end. For a long minute, he was silent, just drinking in the sight of her. He could almost imagine she was his again as his eyes traveled the familiar pathways of her face and lips.

For a second, he had an overpowering urge to press his lips to hers, to see if she still tasted as honeyed as he remembered. But instead, he backed off slightly and cocked his head on one side.
"You had me worried there for a moment," he raised his fingers and brushed her cheek lightly.

Marlena took a sharp breath, his touch and his closeness almost overwhelming her senses. She wanted nothing more than for him to kiss her but instead, he just looked at her, an unreadable expression on his face.

"John," Kristen's shrill voice interrupted the moment with a harsh shock. "John, I've been looking *everywhere* for you."

Jolted out of the exquisite moment, John looked up and past Marlena to where Kristen was standing in the doorway. Looking less than happy. At the same moment, he felt Marlena's muscles tense under his hands.
"I have to go," she muttered unhappily as she pulled herself from John's grip and threw the clothing she was still holding into the crib.

Not even acknowledging Kristen, she brushed past the other woman and left the store. Kristen turned and contemplated Marlena as she dodged Salem Place shoppers. "Well," she said breezily as she turned back to John, "whatever you said to *her* didn't go down very well, did it?"


******

March 29, 1997

Sweetheart,

I saw your daddy today. I wanted to tell him about you, I really did. Maybe I am a coward, I just don't know. Somehow the words would just not come out. And then Kristen arrived and I couldn't. I couldn't even face him any more. He has another family now, and I feel like I have no right to ask him to give that up. Not after everything I have done.

Oh how I love him. It *hurts* it's so strong. I just don't know what to do.

I came home and cried after I saw him. I hate the tears and I hate the weakness, but I cannot help it. I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about your daddy.

I just don't know what I am going to do.

Mommy

April 1, 1997

You know, I have been thinking about when I saw your Mom the other day. It was so *strange*, it wasn't what I expected at all, and when she saw Kristen.... I have been thinking about what Eugene said, about how she was devastated when she found out that I had moved Kristen back into the loft.

But that happened well after she started her relationship with Eugene. I don't understand anything anymore it seems. I did everything I could to win her back, and I thought it was working, but then I found out she was with Eugene. Why did she do that? After so long? What was the last straw for her?

I didn't move Kristen back into the loft for several weeks after that. So why was she so upset, and why did she split up with Eugene? Was that a reason? If I could only *talk* to her, if I could only find a way to reach her. I thought maybe the other day I had broken through some kind of wall, but then Kristen came in and spoilt it.

Did everything I do mean nothing? All those gifts I sent her? She never returned them...... She can't have been playing me for a fool, Marlena wouldn't do that. So what am I missing? There's something I'm missing..... I wonder what happened to that charm, the one that I found in the elevator? The strawberry. When was that? And why was it *there*? Does it mean something?

I have no-one to talk to about this baby. At least putting all my thoughts down on paper somehow helps to get them in some sort of order. I want so much to make this right. I do love your mother more than I can express.

I hate to admit it, but I think Eugene is right. We need to talk about everything that has happened. Maybe that is the only way to work out where we went wrong. And maybe when we do I will ask her about that charm....


******

"He wants to do what?" Maggie giggled.
"He wants to tell Bo and Hope that they're not to come to his birthday party unless they come to their senses," Alice shook her head with a wry smile. "Shawn-Douglas does not like not getting his own way."
"Oh, you mean he takes after both of his parents then?" Maggie leaned on the nurses station as she continued to smile with amusement.
"Well this latest argument between Bo and Hope has him exasperated," Alice shook her head, "he just doesn't seem to realize that it's simply how Bo and Hope *are*. They'll get over it soon enough."
"They always have in the past," Maggie agreed, her gaiety dampening as she noted how preoccupied Marlena seemed as she walked up to the desk.

She watched her friend place several notes on the desk and she was struck by the ashen hue of Marlena's skin.
"Marlena, are you all right?" she asked with concern.
"Wha?" Marlena looked up, surprised to find Alice and Maggie standing right beside her. She had been so caught up in her own thoughts she hadn't even seen them there. "Oh," she nodded her head without conviction. "I'm fine."
"If you don't mind me saying dear," Alice patted her hand, "you don't *look* fine."

Marlena tried to smile, but she was too tired to even put on a brave face for her friends.
"I just had some bad news," she admitted in a fragile voice. "A patient of Laura's that I've been treating was found dead this afternoon." She pressed her hand to her mouth in an effort to hold back the tears. "She swallowed three bottles of tranquilizers." She turned back to the desk, unable to deal with the horrified sympathy from Alice and Maggie. "And I thought we had finally started to make some sort of a breakthrough." She pressed her fingers to her forehead and closed her eyes. "I should have seen it coming. I could have *done* something."

"Now Marlena," Alice's voice was firm. "You know as well as I do that those signs are very hard to spot. You can't blame yourself, if that was what she was determined to do there was no way you could have stopped her."
"But I'm a *psychiatrist* Alice," Marlena railed with angry self-recrimination. "I *should* be able to see the signs. That's my job."

Alice was just about argue the point when Marlena became even whiter and reeled slightly, grabbing hold of the desk so that she didn't give into the blackness entirely. "Marlena!" Maggie's voice grounded her and she felt her friend's arm slide around her. "Here, come and sit down."

Marlena meekly let Alice and Maggie lead her to the seats in the small waiting area across from the nurses station. Bowing her head, she took several deep breaths, willing the buzzing that plagued her head to go away. Finally, she looked up into Maggie's concerned eyes.
"I'm sorry," she murmured as she leaned back against the seat.

"Marlena dear," Alice eyed her with a knowing air. "Is there something else that's bothering you?"

Marlena looked at Alice with wide eyes. She should have known that if anybody would guess, it would be Alice. After all, Alice had been her confidant during her pregnancy with Sami and Eric, and back then, she had seen the signs even before Marlena herself.

"Oh Alice," she shook her head as much as the exhaustion would permit. "I should have known I couldn't hide it from you."
"Hide what?" Maggie looked from Marlena to Alice with a mixture of confusion and anxiety. Marlena turned to the sweet readhead with a rueful smile.
"I'm going to have a baby Maggie."
"You're pregnant?" Maggie blurted out. "But Marlena, that's wonderful!"

"That *is* wonderful news," the sarcasm in the deep and familiar voice was unmistakable and Marlena's heart began to pound with fright. Looking up she found John standing in front of her, Kristen hanging off his arm. Closing her eyes, she clutched the side of her seat to steady herself. He wasn't supposed to find out this way, especially not with Kristen here. This is all wrong.

John looked down at the blonde woman sitting in the seat and he felt as though he was looking at a stranger. The pain tore at him as he watched her open her almond shaped eyes and look back at him. It was though they were the only two people in the room for a moment and he felt his mouth go dry.

"That's fantastic Marlena," Kristen's ecstatic whine cut through his senses, snapping him back to reality. "You and Eugene must be thrilled!" She couldn't quite believe this stroke of fantastically good luck and she was going to rub it in for all it was worth. "We'll have to throw each other baby showers. This is going to be so exciting!"

Marlena barely heard what Kristen was saying, she was so transfixed by the betrayal and anger in John's dark eyes. She opened her mouth to tell him that Kristen was wrong, that it was his baby, not Eugene's but he cut her off with his own corrosively biting words.

"Give Eugene my *congratulations* won't you Marlena," he said with icy exactness, the stiffness the only thing protecting him from collapsing completely. He had been a fool to think they could ever work it out. "I do hope you'll be very," he paused, letting his bitterness seep through his words, "happy."

With that, he turned away.
"Bye Marlena," Kristen couldn't resist one final chance to increase her glee. "We'll have to have dinner some time and compare notes." Hooking her arm tightly through John's she led him away.

Marlena felt sick as she watched them go, but somewhere inside her, a spark of anger ignited. Once again John was assuming without even bothering to ask the obvious. What right had he to be angry at *her* when he was walking around with the rather pregnant Kristen on his arm?

"Marlena?" Maggie turned back to Marlena, quite shocked at John's obvious hostility. "Is he right? *Is* the baby Eugene's?" It certainly wasn't beyond the realm of possibility.

Marlena looked at Maggie, her growing anger obliterating all sense of fair play. "Of course it's Gene's," she replied curtly. If John wanted to believe that was how it was, then who was she to disillusion him? Two could play at *that* game. "After all, John is *always* right isn't he?"
"Marlena, I..." Alice put her hand on Marlena's arm, hoping to calm her down.
"Thanks for your concern Alice, Maggie, but I have a lot of work to get through this afternoon," abruptly she stood up. "I'll talk to you later."

The two Horton women watched her go, and Alice shook her head.
"I hope she knows what she's doing," she sighed.
"You don't believe her?" Maggie raised her eyebrows and ran her fingers through her wavy auburn hair.
"Do you?" Alice asked pointedly.
"Uh-uh," Maggie turned to her mother-in-law, the sympathy she felt for Marlena's predicament plainly obvious. "I just don't understand what's happened to the two of them."
"Nor do they," Alice shook her head sagely. "And that's their problem."


******

April 3, 1997

Marlena's tears spilled onto the blank sheet of paper in front of her. It happened every time. Every time she allowed herself the singular small spark of hope that maybe, one day she and John might be able to talk and patch things up. Every time that small spark was extinguished by something that left her more desolate than the last.

Sweet baby,

I am so sorry. The last thing I ever wanted to do was lie, especially after all the pain it caused last time. But it hurts *so* much. I am starting to wonder if this pain will ever diminish. When they lay you in my arms, will that at least ease this ache that I live with?

How could he do that? How could he just *assume*? He must know it is possible that you are indeed his child. Is it just that he doesn't care any more?

Marlena put the pen down and wiped the tears from her cheeks. In her mind she could see Kristen, with that smug smile, reveling in the pain that they were suffering. Sometimes Marlena just wanted to reach out and wring her neck. If it weren't for Kristen....

She shook her head. She couldn't think like that. What was done was done and she couldn't undo any of it. John knew the facts and he was living with the woman. And Marlena didn't know how she was going to ever face him again.

I can't imagine my life without your Daddy in it. I can't imagine suffering this pain every time I see him. Maybe it is best that he does not know about you.

I can't believe I am even writing this. Of course it's not best. But I just don't know what to do any more. I love him more than I can begin to express, but he is tearing me apart with his words and with his actions. I can't be around him when every time I do I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't live this way. Gene was right, I used to be stronger than this. What happened to me? And how do I make it right?

Marlena paused and pushed her short blonde hair off her face. In a gesture of defeat, she dropped her pen on the table. She didn't know how much more of this she could take.





Realities

Kristen flinched as John slammed his keys down on the bench before he went to switch the jug on. He hadn't talked to her the whole way home, and a part of her was exceedingly annoyed that Marlena's news should have this much of an effect on him. But mostly, she was just thrilled that Marlena would now be out of their lives for good. John had lost his claim on her with this latest incident, and nothing could please Kristen more.

"Honey?" she said carefully. "If you're making a cup of tea, I would just love one." She watched him lean over the sink and take a deep, calming breath, and somehow that one gesture broke the dam on her patience. "You know John," her voice became unintentionally snarky, "I would have thought that you would have been *pleased* for Marlena."
"*Pleased?*" John turned on her, his face darkly unambiguous.
"Yes, *pleased*." Kristen pulled off her gloves and laid them on the table. "At least she's getting on with her life now, she's not hanging around pining after you when she knows she can't have you. You have a *new* family to look after now, and she knows that." Pulling off her coat, she disregarded John's mutinous glare and carried on. "You should be glad that she's happy and making a new life for herself. If you weren't, I would have to wonder why."

She eyed him with the challenge hanging between them, and John was tempted to tell her to go to hell. He had never hated her more and he just wanted this responsibility to be at an end.
"Of course I'm happy if she's happy." John forced the foreign words from his mouth. "I'm just not sure that she's not being taken for a ride, that's all." He ran his fingers through the thick dark hair that was now lightly peppered with grey.

"John," Kristen raised her eyebrows, "Marlena's a big girl now. She knows how to look after herself and make her own decisions. You don't have to be her saviour any more." With a groan, she lowered herself onto the couch. This baby might not be growing as fast as it should, but she still felt the size of a house. She couldn't wait until the next couple of months were over. "You know she's known Eugene Bradford considerably longer than you have. I would think she knows what his motives are by now."

Kristen's words made sense, but John didn't care. He didn't want to believe any of them. He just wanted Marlena.


******

Marlena transferred Belle to the nanny's waiting arms and smiled at the young woman.
"Now you be a good girl and I'll be upstairs to tuck you in soon," she told her adored daughter. "Thanks Lucie." Lucie simply smiled brilliantly and walked upstairs with the giggling Belle.

Marlena leaned on the banister for a moment and watched them, glad that she had Lucie's help. This pregnancy was really draining all her energy and every single moment of rest she could snatch was precious.

Q came out of the kitchen and saw her standing there, her face wan and drawn. He was becoming increasingly worried about her as the days progressed and she became even more withdrawn. He couldn't seem to reach her any more since she had closed him off along with everything else in the world that had caused her pain.

"Come and sit down," he turned the lights down and then took her hand and led her to the sofa. "Now would you like to tell me what's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" she asked innocently.
"Marlena, do we have to play this game every time something happens?" Q sighed. "I'm not stupid, I can see something is wrong, and you need someone to talk to. I'm here. How about you give it a go?" Marlena's eyes filled with exhausted tears as she shook her head. Gene saw her clenched fists and moved closer to her. "Come on Marlena. You can't carry this on your own, it's not healthy for you, *or* the baby."

"It's not that simple," Marlena covered her face with her hands and pulled her knees up in front of her. She just didn't want to have to deal with this right now.
"It's very simple and you know it." Gene rose from his position at the foot of the sofa and moved up to where he was sitting behind her. Ever so slowly and gently, he began to massage her shoulders, feeling the muscles in tight bunches under his fingers. Finally, he felt her begin to relax and she uncovered her face, allowing the kneading of his fingers to continue up her neck.

"That's better," he whispered into the blonde, fragrant tresses that hung around her ears. "Now, shall we try that again?" It was a moment before Marlena nodded her head in defeat. He was right, this continual stress wasn't good for the baby. Leaning back against him, she closed her eyes and mustered up some sense of calm.

"Do you remember a while ago," she asked in a small voice, "there was a patient I was upset about? It was the day you took me out for lunch at that little Italian café."
"I remember," Q nodded his head and he slipped his arms around her as she moved to a more comfortable position. "You were worried about her." Marlena nodded her head and then pressed her fingers to her eyes and took a deep breath.
"With good cause it seems." Her voice was low and tremulous. "She killed herself this morning."

"Oh Marlena," Gene tightened his arms around her, suddenly understanding her distress. "I'm so sorry." Folding her arms over the top of his, she laced her fingers between his warm ones. Deep down, she knew she shouldn't be doing this, it wasn't fair to either of them, but she needed the warmth and the security that he offered tonight. His love and his friendship were the only things that she had to hang onto right now.

"So am I," she murmured.

It was several moments before Eugene became aware of her against him. Until now he had successfully managed to separate his desire for her from their friendship, but holding her like this, feeling the way her warm body molded against his, the soft fragrance about her filling his senses, it became all too painfully real. But he could feel the way she clung to him, the way she needed him right now and he couldn't let her down. Not like he had done before.

Instead, he whispered his lips over her hair and then he gently rested his cheek against her soft tresses and listened to her gentle breaths.


******

Kristen sat on the sofa and watched John as he stared out the window. Her mood had fallen from the high she had been on when she had returned and she was feeling decidedly spiteful. John was far too morose for her liking and there was only one reason for that. And that was Dr. Marlena-The-Saint-Evans. Rolling her eyes, she pushed herself up from the sofa and lumbered towards the stairway. Pushing past John she muttered an "I'm going to bed." She couldn't bear John in this mood.

John didn't even turn when he heard Kristen, he just continued to stare out the window over the darkened rooftops. He felt like he was in a nightmare and he couldn't wake up. Every time he turned around, Kristen was there, making his life a misery, wanting him to play house. He didn't know how much longer he could keep this lie up. Even the two months until the baby was born seemed like an interminable stretch at this point.

And then of course, there was the new revelation. Marlena and Eugene were going to have a baby.

Maybe you're being too hasty. The voice spoke in the back of his mind. A spark of hope lit his blackness momentarily but then it died. It couldn't be his baby. If it was his baby she'd be at least four months pregnant and she'd be showing it. And besides, she would have told him by now. She would have known long ago and she would have *told* him. If he knew anything about Marlena, he knew how important her children were to her. He had lost so much with Belle, he knew Marlena wouldn't put him through that again. Not if she knew.

So that left the obvious alternative. Marlena and Eugene's relationship might be over, but they had been left with a 'souvenir', however unexpected. John wondered how long it would be before they were back together. If they weren't already. For all Eugene's protestations that Marlena could only be happy with John, he couldn't see him leaving Marlena alone and pregnant.

Maybe that was what he had planned all along. Maybe that was why he had come over the other day, so that he could have a good laugh when John fell flat on his face when he went to talk to Marlena.

John rubbed his eyes. He could see her now, as she had been the other day, haunted, hazel eyes in a beautiful pale face. He had just wanted to take her in his arms and protect her from the hurt and the pain. Well, now he knew why. There hadn't just been pain in those eyes; there had been guilt. Maybe that was why she had been in such a hurry to get out of there.

He shook his head and rubbed his fingers over his face with an exhausted sigh. He didn't know how many more surprises he could take.

******

"There's more," Marlena told Q after a while.
"More?" He only raised his eyebrows.
"John found out that I'm pregnant," she said with deliberate nonchalance. "But he thinks it's yours."
"He thinks *what*!?" He pushed her away from him and turned around so that she was facing him.

Marlena lifted her eyes slowly to his. She had known he would be angry. Shrugging casually, she looked away.
"He seemed to think that was the only option."
"What *happened* Marlena?" Q ran his fingers through his own dark hair. This couldn't be happening.
"He overheard me telling Maggie and Alice," she looked at Eugene defensively, "it had been a bad day."
"And he assumed that the baby was mine." Q finished for her as he shook his head. "And I suppose you didn't care to enlighten him."
"Well, why should I?" Marlena crossed her arms and pulled them tightly to herself. "As usual, he *assumed* and didn't bother to find out whether his assumption was the correct one." Her lips thinned as she remembered John's reaction. "If the thought is that abhorrent to him that he can't even take the time to *wonder*, why on earth do you think I would *want* to disillusion him?"
"Because he *is* the baby's father and he does have a right to know." Q sounded close to defeat. It was though around every corner there was a new obstacle to overcome, and he couldn't particularly blame Marlena for wanting to give up. Was John Black really worth all this pain?

"Well what about *my* rights?" Marlena asked angrily. "*She* was there with him. And I do *not* want my child to grow up with that witch as a step-mother." Barely maintaining a reign on her anger, Marlena stood and walked across the room to the french doors.

Q shook his head. This was becoming far too complicated.
"Do you not think that if John knew the truth it might change his decision?" he asked gently.
"What, because I'm pregnant with his child *too*?" she couldn't help the bitter resentment in her voice. "Why should that make any difference to him? Belle is his daughter. He's not here with his children now is he? Why should one more make any difference?" She took a deep breath, releasing some of the simmering anger as she let her shoulders slump. "I don't even know why I want him back any more," she said, dejection heavy in the air. "I don't know if the pain is worth it."

"Of course it is," Q came up behind her, his hands gentle on her shoulders. "You love him."
"Do I?" Marlena shrugged her shoulders and turned around to look up at Eugene. "I don't know any more."

She searched his face for some hint of what he was thinking. His eyes, a dusky brown, glittered with the reflection of the candlelight behind her. Reaching up, she traced the fine lines beneath his eyes with her the tips of her fingers.
"You look tired," she whispered as her arms slid smoothly around his neck. Lifting her lips, she brushed them lightly across his.

Gene's heart was pounding as his hands encircled her waist and his mouth sought out hers in a hungrily passionate kiss. It was a moment before he came to his senses and pulled back from the kiss.
"Take me away Gene," she whispered desperately. "Let's take Belle and Brady and go, somewhere where they can never find us."

Q smiled sadly and pulled back, loosening her arms around his neck. Tenderly, he brushed the long bangs behind her ears and pressed his lips to her forehead.
"You know we can't do that sweetheart," he shook his head. "It's not right and it wouldn't be fair to anyone. Least of all you."

Marlena returned his gaze, her eyes sad and regretful.
"I know," she nodded her head, "I'm sorry." Q said nothing, but simply held her as she leant against him.

But for an odd moment, Q felt as though he were being watched and he raised his eyes to the landing that looked over the penthouse. There, they met the green, almost cat-like eyes of the children's new nanny, Lucie. Noting that he had seen her, Lucie raised her eyebrows knowingly. Then she turned and walked back to the bedroom.


******

John walked through the deserted corridors of the hospital. The silence was eerie, the clicking of his heels echoing off distant walls. Oddly, there was no scent in the air, the typical medicinal smell washed away into nothingness.

He checked inside the first room, his breathing shallow in his chest. Nothing. The second room yielded nothing more than the first. The third room was across the hall, the door bathed in a pool of garish yellow light.

Crying. He heard crying.

He swung the door open and inside, in the middle of the empty room, stood a baby's crib. John smiled with relief.
"Daddy's here," he crooned softly as he neared the crib.

"Don't bother John," a voice came from the doorway. John wheeled to see Eugene standing there. "I have them all," his mouth twisted into a condescending sneer. "You lose."

You *lose*.

Those all too familiar words echoed in his head as he turned back desperately to the crib. It was empty.

Spine-chilling laughter filled the air and as John spun again, Bradford's grinning face was replaced by Stefano DiMera's nefarious image.

"I have them all John." The laughter resumed, deafeningly. "Checkmate."

John sat bolt upright in his bed, his heart racing. Breathing deeply, he wiped his brow, which was covered in a thin sheen of moisture. Looking over at the clock, he saw it was only just after midnight. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the unsettling images.

Seeing Marlena in the hospital earlier that day had been so unexpected it had left him breathless. Somehow he kept expecting it to get easier. But it didn't. Every time he saw her he felt as though someone were physically kicking him in the stomach. And then to hear that she was expecting a baby....

He had thought, up until today that when the baby was born and he could tell Marlena the truth, that everything would be all right some how, that she would understand what had happened. And then they could be together again. But now everything had changed. Marlena had a new family, she had that new life that she had talked about. And she was right. He wasn't in it.







chapter 61-70    <<        ||71|72|73|74|75|76|77|78|79|80|       >>   chapter 81-90


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