Confessions

John stared at Kristen, nausea pervading his whole being. Marlena had known? He couldn't believe that of Marlena, but what reason did Kristen have to lie? Him mind swam with images - Eugene and Marlena standing in front of the window. Being locked in that bedroom and making love to Marlena. Bradford's self-satisfied grin when they had emerged in the morning and Marlena's reluctance to confront him about the whole issue.

John hung his head and buried his face in his hands. He felt more confused than he had ever before in his life. He didn't want to believe what Kristen said but perhaps she was right. He just wanted Marlena so much that he wouldn't believe any accusations about her. Perhaps he just had to face the fact that the old saying could be right. Love *is* blind and he didn't know Marlena as well as he thought he did. Not any more anyway.

"John, just *go*." Kristen whispered, a sense of satisfaction overriding the pain she felt.. John sat unmoving and unseeing in the dim light. Kristen allowed herself a little look back at his face and was stabbed by the look of abject misery and betrayal on his face. She tried to tell herself that it was because she hated having to hurt him like this. The real truth was that her own betrayal would probably have a much less profound effect on John than the thought of Marlena's and the knowledge rove through her like a sharp blade. She gasped as another cramp gripped her belly and a tear escaped the corner of her eye. She had to hold onto this baby. It was her only hope of keeping John. It was the key to her happiness and she wasn't going to give it up without a struggle.

The stifled noise that came from Kristen was enough to rouse John out of his distressed abstraction.
"Kristen? Are you okay?" John asked worriedly as the rhythm of the beeping monitors quickened slightly. The almost imperceptible shift of Kristen's head signalled a nod and a choked sob came from the bed. "Oh God Kristen. I'm *so* sorry." John was crying now. "I've made such a mess for everything. For so long."

Kristen listened to John's quiet sobs for several moments before turning over.
"I'm sorry too John. You've made the best of an awful situation for a long time now. With the history you have with Marlena it's only natural to want to give in to the memories." She sniffed theatrically. "But I love you John. And we have our child to consider. Perhaps, given time we could mend some of the damage that's been done." She paused for a moment watching John's stricken face, only imagining the inner turmoil that he was suffering.
Squeezing another tear form her eye, Kristen continued melodramatically. "I love you John. All I've ever wanted was for the two of us to be happy."

John raised his red eyes to meet hers.
"I know Kristen. I know."
"Is there any chance left for us John?" John's heart felt as if it was breaking as he looked at her. He was so tired of hurting the people he cared about. Maybe she was right. Maybe they should just go away go away somewhere where he didn't have to face Marlena everyday.

Facing Marlena. How could he do it now? After what had happened, what Kristen had said. He didn't know what to think, how to feel. His only instinct was to bury himself away somewhere dark where he wouldn't have to deal with the terrible truths and lies that ruined lives.
"John?" Kristen dragged him back to reality. He stared at her, his eyes begging her not to ask him to make that decision now. Not to ask him to give up everything on the turn of a word. He shook his head.
"I don't know Kristen. I'm just...." She looked at him with pleading but he closed his eyes and shook his head again, as if trying to shake the image of her from his mind. He stood up and turned for the door but something made him turn back. "I never meant for *any* of this to happen Kristen. And if I am able to make it up to you, I will. But that's the best I can do for now." Not waiting for a reply he left the room. Mike watched him go with curiosity as he noted the tears that lingered on John's face.

Back in the small hospital room, Kristen let a small smile of triumph settle on her features. So far so good. She hadn't expected him to fall for the story about Marlena hook, line and sinker but it appeared that she had been able to put enough doubt in his mind to confuse him. Now she just had to trust that she knew Marlena's strengths and weaknesses enough to do the rest of the job for her.

******

Marlena stood at the window and watched the wind blow the leaves round in eddies in the courtyard. The sky was totally screened by a thick veneer of heavy grey clouds. She shivered and wrapped her jacket more tightly round her, putting the oddness she felt down to the promise of snow in the air.

"Mom." Sami called to her. "Come here will you? You're making me nervous."
"I'm sorry sweetie." Marlena came over to the bed. "I was just wondering if Carrie and Will got home safely."
"They weren't going straight home. They were going to look at some house. And anyway," the way Sami raised her eyebrows suddenly reminded Marlena of Roman, "you and I both know that *that* was not what you were thinking about." Marlena smiled.
"Since when did you suddenly get so wise Miss Brady?"
"Well someone's gotta be around here." Sami grinned cheekily.
"Hey you! What are you trying to say?" Marlena hit Sami's leg playfully but managed to jar her arm in the process.

"Ouch!" Sami's cry was involuntary.
"Oh honey I'm sorry. Are you alright?" Marlena said anxiously.
"Yes Mom, I'm fine." Sami cradled her arm tenderly.
"Are you sure? I could get Mike to come and have a look at it if you like," Marlena pressed.
"Mom." Sami said sharply. "I'm fine. Stop fussing." Marlena's shoulders slumped. as she eyed her resolute daughter.

"I'm sorry Sami. I don't know what's wrong with me lately."
"It's okay Mom." Sami folded her hand around Marlena's. "I know what a hard time you've had. Most people would have cracked long ago."
"Oh yeah?" Marlena's smile was back. "Well I'm not most people."
"You certainly aren't Mom." Sami responded to the love in her mother's eyes with a special warmth of her own. "Mom?"
"Mmm?"
"I know that I might have said differently in the last few years but I really can't think of anyone else I'd rather have as my Mom."

Marlena smiled, the tears blurring her vision as she heard the words of approval from her daughter that for years she had longed for.
"Oh Sami. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that." Marlena gathered her daughter into a hug.
"I love you Mom." Marlena squeezed Sami as the tears dampened her long blonde hair.
"I love you too baby."

******

Q paced the floor of the penthouse for the four thousand and sixth time. He couldn't believe he'd had so little foresight as to not realize what might happen to Kristen when she saw John and Marlena. Not that he cared about her. Or the spawn for that matter. What worried him was what John and Marlena would do to him when they discovered what he had done.

He had never intended to reveal so much to Kristen but she had baited and angered him so that he had lost what control he had over his very mortal temper and had given in to the desire for revenge. He had enjoyed it though. A smile crept through the anxiety as he recalled the scenes of the previous evening. Somewhere inside the still human part of him, a twinge of guilt unsettled the glee, but it was quickly quenched as he considered the next moves in the game.

******

Marlena was still holding Sami in her arms when she saw John stumble past the door to the room. He seemed totally preoccupied and unaware of what was going on around him and Marlena felt a moment of panic as she saw the abjection in his demeanour.

"John?" She called out to him but he seemed not to hear her as he continued on. Sami looked at Marlena with concern as she rushed to the door to catch up with John. "John? Honey?" John stopped, her voice finally penetration his brain and he turned back to her.

Just the sight of her took his breath away as, always. But unlike every other time, he felt something new. A fear, a sort of terrified dread that he'd been played for a fool in a game that he had been blind to. She walked toward him, her hands outstretched with an expression that he couldn't quite fathom. It looked like fear but he didn't want it to be fear because that would mean that she was afraid he knew. That would mean that Kristen is right.....

"John?" Marlena stopped just short of him as she saw the confusion that played across his eyes. "John what's wrong? Is Kristen all right?" As she waited what seemed like endless seconds for his answer, Marlena became aware of the curious nurses behind the desk. Gently she took John's hand, but almost dropped it again when he noticeably flinched. She didn't however and despite the growing ache she felt in her chest she guided John into Sami's room.

"John." Sami could see the tenseness between the two.
"Sami." John's voice was a hoarse croak as his eyes flicked to his almost-daughter but then returned to Marlena with an intensity that made Marlena take an involuntary step back.
"John what's wrong? You're scaring me." Her knuckles whitened as she clenched her fist in front of her.
"Why Doc?" His cry echoed through Marlena and she felt his pain as if it were her own.
"Why what John?" Her reply was timid, a hint of fear, of premonition.

John's eyes suddenly cleared and he stood tall like he had found his resolve and he was going to use it.
"Why would you be afraid Marlena?"
"Because I don't know what's going on John." Marlena replied a little edgily. "You're acting ..." she paused, attempting to find the right word, "...oddly... And you won't tell me why."
John's posture sagged as his mind began to spin again. Everything seemed so unreal. It was like a bad dream. Any moment he would wake up in bed with Marlena and it would be morning and none of this would have happened. Except that it had an all too real 'Salem' quality about it.
He took a deep breath.
"Did you *know* Marlena? Did you know what he was going to do to her?

John completely misread the expressions that played across his true love's face. Manipulation and deceit had bewitched and bewildered him for so long that he could no longer discern where the lies ended and truth began. John Black was a good man. He was an honest man. And most importantly, he was a trusting man. And in those strengths lay his weakness. Ironic, coming from one of the most notorious families that Europe could offer.

He had no ounce of malice, no natural suspicion and that had laid him wide open to Kristen and her malicious schemes. And now she was reaping her richest reward. John's belief in her over Marlena.
"You *did* know?" His cry was pure agony and it made Sami's heart stutter. "Doc!"
"What John? What are you talking about? Please tell me." Marlena begged as she felt him slip away from her.

"Kristen told me." He spat out the words as he turned her back on her and leaned his hands against the wall. "She told me what the two of you planned." Marlena was speechless and Sami took over.
"What are you talking about John? For God's sake stop talking in riddles. Mom doesn't have a clue what you're on about."
John spun around, his face a mask of grief, the tears falling in rivulets over his cheeks.
"They *planned* it Sami. Eugene and ..... Oh God! He locked us in that room and then he brought Kristen. She saw it all Sami. *Everything*." He didn't hear Marlena's gasp or see her ashen face, too caught up in the web he wove around himself. "And then he dumped her and left her....for dead."

"Just wait a minute John." Sami said angrily. "You think that Mom was involved in this? That she *knew* about it?" She looked at Marlena but her mother didn't see it. A single hand gripping a chair was all that held her upright. She was waiting for John's answer. Waiting as if her life depended on it. And the look in John's eyes as he turned to her was all the answer she needed.

Marlena watched John as he struggled with his conscience and his guilt, and it seemed as if in that one small moment time ceased to function. All the emotions that she had bottled up for so long combined to author an eruption of anger that she could barely keep contained. All that time that she had sacrificed her feelings, her *life* for his and he couldn't even make one small leap of faith for her.

"So John. Are you going to answer Sami's question?" Marlena crossed her arms in front of her. John only looked at her, still incognizant of the fact that his silence was slowly killing her. He knew what he wanted to say to her. He was trying to say it, only the words wouldn't come. They were stuck somewhere in his throat, under the plug of confusion engendered by Kristen. I know you weren't involved Doc. You would never do anything like that. Oh God Marlena. I love you so much. Why the hell can't I just tell you that? But while he stood there shaking his head, the words remained stalled and the tension in the room mounted.

"John! For God's sake. Say something." Sami implored him, terrified that this newly formed bond between her mother and John was crumbling irreparably before her eyes.
"Save your breath Sami." Marlena said coldly, her anger her soul's only defense. "It's obvious he's made up his mind."
"No Doc. That's not it." John managed to blurt out stiltedly.
"What? You haven't made up your mind. You can't decide whether or not I'm capable of that?" Marlena spat out the words as if they were poisonous thorns. "You need me to hold your hand and tell you that it's alright to believe in *me*?" She gripped the back of the chair as her rage built to a crescendo. "Well I'm *not* going to do it anymore John. I can't protect you any more. I *won't*. If you want to continue to believe Kristen, then by all means do so. Just don't ask me to stand by and watch you any longer. Because I won't be there."

"Marlena, I never said -" John, shocked by the vehemence in her voice, bumbled a belated defense.
"You didn't need to John." Marlena returned, with the pain and anger fighting for dominance in her voice. She shook her head. "It was in your eyes."
"You don't understand," John stepped towards her, "it was what Kristen told me."
"So *what*, John!? All those things you said to me last night, all those pleas of undying love. They mean *nothing* in the cold light of day, because *Kristen* says so?!"

"You know that's not true." John's reply came in a low, shocked voice as shards of crystal clear light began to filter their way through the cracks in his nebulous consciousness.
"No John. I *don't* know that's not true. I don't seem to know anything about you any more. Just like you don't seem to know anything about me." The hard edge to her voice increased and she felt oddly dislocated from herself as the anger took over, protecting the fragile heart that belonged to the man that was slowly tearing it apart. "Maybe it would just be best if it stayed that way."
And with that final pronouncement, she swept past John, her face unyielding and her eyes dry.

******

Carrie held Will tightly in her arms as she tried to shield him from the worst of the bitter wind. She was supposed to be meeting both Austin and the Realtor at this house but so far there had been no sign of either of them.

She sat on the front doorstep of the house and began to hum to the baby as she rocked him on her lap. Each blast of the icy, gnawing wind seemed to clutch at the two of them and as the minutes ticked by, the idea of going home to a nice warm apartment seemed more and more enticing. But just as she was about to give up the vigil, Austin and the Realtor, Ben Robbins arrived within a minute of each other. Austin mumbled an apology as he enveloped his wife and child in a hug and shepherded them into the spacious house.

Ben Robbins was a brisk, efficacious man and he was extremely good at his job. Not good enough to sell this dump to Carrie and Austin Reed however. Every room that they entered further through the house confirmed their decision. Peeling wallpaper and rising damp were the least of the problems. After their quick tour of the house they walked away wondering why they had wasted their time.

******

Sami looked at John with sad eyes as she shook her head. He was still watching the doorway that Marlena had exited through with some degree of shock. And he was beginning to realize just how royally he had screwed up.

"She's really done a head job on you hasn't she." Sami said, her voice laced with bitterness.
"I'm sorry?" John shook his head as if to clear it and turned to Sami.
"Kristen. She's unbelievable."
"I'm sorry Sami. I don't follow." John felt like he was in a maze. The impenetrable bushes were too high to see over and he knew the exit was somewhere around the corner but he just couldn't seem to find it..
"No John. Of course you don't." Sami sighed with feeling. "That's your problem. You don't follow anything these days." She frowned at the confusion that reigned evident on his face. "John, you can't seriously have thought that Mom would done *anything* to harm your child. After *everything* she did to ensure *both* babies health......you can't have thought that she'd have suddenly decided that she didn't care any more?"
"I didn't Sami. Really, I didn't. But...," he leaned on the end of the bed and bowed his head. "What have I done Sami?"

******

Marlena walked through the mall, her expression dazed. She couldn't believe that John would even contemplate that she was capable of such a thing. It was as if the previous night had been all but blotted out of his mind by Kristen's twisted manipulations. With the anger that she was feeling at that particular moment, Marlena was almost ready to let Kristen *have* John. She'd had her feelings walked over one too many times and she wasn't about to let it happen again.

The aroma of coffee caught her attention and walking into the small cafe, she ordered a double black espresso. She sat down at the table and when the coffee was delivered, she threw it back in several scalding hot mouthfuls. Staring at the empty cup a realization slowly dawned on her. He's not the man that I fell in love with. Kristen had distorted and twisted him so much that he was merely a caricature of the lover and hero that he had once been to Marlena. He doesn't deserve me. Not the pseudo-John that Kristen had created. Not any more. And she had to face the fact that *her* John, the John she loved with all her heart and soul, might never come back from whatever dark recess he had been relegated to.

******

"You've messed up John. Big time." Sami reflected on the earlier scene. "I don't think I've ever seen Mom so mad."
John's brow scrunched into a hundred wrinkles as he tried to make sense of what had happened. He was sure there was a fragment of the jigsaw missing and it had to be pretty damn important if he couldn't see the picture.
"I just don't understand. Kristen said that Marlena knew. Why would she say that Sami? Why would she blame Marlena? Doc has never done anything to hurt her." Sami rolled her eyes and despaired at John's blindness.
"No John. That's right. So why would Kristen *lie*? Why don't *you* put it together instead of me having to spell it out for you?"

"Maybe she wasn't lying Sami." John said, desperately searching for an answer that wouldn't impact on his integrity. "Maybe Eugene lied to her."
"Oh John! For God's sake, get a *grip*!" Sami said a little too loudly in her frustration. "It was Kristen who was lying. Trust me on this. She's not the paragon of virtue that you seem to blindly think she is."
"I think you're being a little harsh there Sami." John said, unconvincing in his defense of Kristen.

"Think about it John." Sami urged. "Kristen lost your baby and then tried to fool you into thinking she was still pregnant. That's not exactly the action of a saint."
"She made a mistake Sami. And she didn't go through with it for long." John argued the point.
"Only because she was *caught out*!" Sami shook her head disbelievingly. "If she hadn't been she'd probably *still* be marching around Salem with a pillow stuffed up her mini-skirt and knowing Kristen she'd be trying to find a baby on the black market to pass off as yours!"
"Sami, don't be ridiculous!" John said vehemently. "Kristen would never do anything like that."
"Believe me John. If it meant holding onto you, Kristen would do anything she could get away with. I know. I've been there."

That comment came out of nowhere. Sami had spent most of her time trying to avoid the comparisons between her and Kristen, but in three words she had revealed to herself the grim truth. But what did they say? The first step on the road to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. A small smile spread across her face. Still, I'd like to think I was never quite a despicable as her.

Turning her attention back to John, she noted he still wore the stunned expression that seemed to be etched permanently on his face in recent times. Closing her eyes she leaned back and rubbed her brow with the heel of her palm. Taking a deep breath she launched into her next attack.
"John, there are some things about Kristen that you don't know. And they're not very nice things."
"What do you mean Sami?" John asked, dreading the answer.

******

Carrie and Austin burst through the door of the Brady Pub, trying to escape the bitter cold that seemed to seep through every exposed pore. Caroline greeted them and then led them over to the fire, taking Will from Austin. Shawn chimed in, bringing two steaming mugs of hot chocolate to the table and Carrie and Austin slowly warmed their numb fingers on the outsides of the cups.

"My goodness. What have you three been doing?" Caroline asked with concern. "You're frozen."
"We went to look at a house," Austin explained, "but then the car wouldn't start and we had to walk over here." His words were overridden by a loud sneeze from Carrie and she looked gratefully at her grandfather as he passed her a box of tissues.

"Have you seen Sami this mornin'?" Shawn asked trying to sound casual. "Hope said that John called here earlier."
"Yeah." Carrie replied. "Marlena arrived at the hospital when I was with Sami."
"Did she tell you where she'd been?" Caroline asked.

Carrie caught herself as she remembered Marlena's words. Well I'm glad that you two are happy but I don't want any of this information going any further than this room. She would have loved to tell the whole world that Marlena and John were back together and more than happy, but she couldn't break her promise. So she shook her head.
"She didn't really say Granma."
The older Brady's looked at Carrie and looked at each other. They suspected that Carrie knew full well where Marlena, and John, had been. But if she wouldn't, or couldn't tell them, it wasn't their place to pry.
"Okay sweetheart. Listen. The two of you stay there and we'll find you something to eat." Shawn looked at Will, curled up sleepily in his great-grandmother's arms. "And perhaps we can get this young man here a bed to sleep in."
"Thanks Granpa." Carrie smiled before sneezing again. "What would we do without you?"

******

Marlena strode into the elevator with purpose and stabbed the top button with her index finger. The elevator rose steadily up to the penthouse and she stepped into the pushily furnished apartment, looking around as she did. Not finding what she was looking for, she put her hands on her hips.
"Eugene!"

Less than half a minute later, Q's slightly sheepish face appeared over the banister.
"Marlena. You're back. How is your daughter?"
"Fine." Marlena's answer came in a crisp staccato. Q waited for several minutes and then,
"Did you want to talk you me about something?"
"Actually Eugene, I wanted to thank you." She raised her eyebrows, mirroring Q's surprise.
"Thank me?"
"Yes. For showing me the truth. That John really isn't the man I fell in love with. I deserve better than that and I'm going to finally get on with my life. Without John." Her face told Q that she was deadly serious and it took him a few minutes to actually find his vocal chords again.
"Marlena, that wasn't what I wanted at all." He shook his head. "What about last night."
"Ah, yes. Last night. That's something else I wanted to talk to you about. I think you have some explaining to do." Marlena's eyes flashed with the anger that sustained her.

Q's heart sunk into his shoes. This wasn't right. This wasn't right at all. Instead of bringing Marlena and John together, it seemed as if he had driven them further apart. How in the universe was he going to deal with this one?

******

Sami looked at John with sympathy in her eyes.
"I know you love Kristen John, but she's not the woman you think she is. She's done some pretty awful things. Mainly to hang on to you."

John listened to Sami with his heart pounding in his ears. Something was ringing a bell in his head and he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it. But then again, if what Sami was saying was true, he had to know the truth. Finally, and for once and for all.
"Done things like what Sami?" He asked in a low voice.

Sami breathed out, realizing that he was finally receptive to what she had to say. That he wasn't going to fight the truth any longer. No matter how much of a fool it made him look.
"When I found Kristen last night John I was coming over to show you something. Something I found. I really had no right to take it but I did. And I thought that you should see it."
"What was it lil' punkin?" John's use of her old nickname filled Sami's eyes and she quickly turned away so he couldn't see the effect he had on her. She turned to the bedside locker.
"Can you open that cupboard John?"
"Sure." He leaned over and pulled the stiff door open. Pulling out the satchel he gave it to Sami, missing the quick wipe of her face that she made with her fingers.

"Thanks." She opened the bag and a quick rummage produced a book. "Here." She ran her palm over the cover and then handed it to John like it was a fragile antique. "I think you should read this. And I think that you should sit down when you do."
"What is it?" John whispered, his eyes fixed to the plain cover of the book, so afraid of what he would find underneath.
"It's the journal that Mom kept while Stefano kept her prisoner in Paris." She swallowed. "John, they're the words that she wrote when she didn't know if she was ever going to see any of us again."

"I don't know if I can read it Sami. This is a private thing that Doc wrote. It should be for her eyes only." John said uncertainly.
"I know John. But I think that there are extenuating circumstances. I think that you should read it. And I think that Mom meant for you to read it. Someday. And today may as well be that day."

The radiator heater hummed as it's artificial warmth began to seep through the room. An overcoat lay discarded on the back of a chair and the mute television quietly flickered it's brazen images onto the surfaces of the room.

The blonde watched the leaden sky with blank eyes. The wind had picked up again, and the people far below scurried for shelter as every gust tried to thieve their belongings and their dignity. The woman, from somewhere deep within, responded to the wind's howl with a shiver that went beyond cold, beyond fear.

A small movement to her right caught her attention and a mug of sweet tea was placed carefully in her hands. The gentle hand of a friend led her to the sofa and she perched on the edge of the seat, as though comfort were that last thing she wanted, or needed. The numbness was the only thing that protected her now and she wouldn't sacrifice that. She couldn't. Not if she wanted to survive.

******

John sat like a statue as he read the first page of Marlena's journal. The words, addressed to him, leapt off the page to swim before his eyes in a collage of accusation. His heart seemed to pound with each word that echoed in his head. Each word that made him feel like a condemned man. Not a murderer of the flesh, but a murderer of the soul.

Dear John,

To never see you again is pain; to know that you will spend the rest of your life with Kristen is more pain than I can bear. She has built her life with you on lies and deception. I hope, I pray that you will see the evil in her before too long.

I've always sensed that Kristen felt threatened by me, by the history you and I share. But she was very careful to keep her feelings to herself, until she found your letter expressing your love for me.

He swallowed hard, fighting to produce some moisture in his mouth. To fight this terrible falling he felt. He looked up at Sami, his eyes cloudy with pain.
"The letter? My letter?"
"It explains later on." Sami replied gently.
John's eyes were drawn back to the page as thought the journal had a life of it's own.

Kristen is so desperate to hold on to you she told Stefano which plane I would be on so he could kidnap me. You kept that information from everybody but Kristen and she told Stefano. That time he failed but for all I know she helped him again, and he succeeded.

A tear , quickly followed by another picked a path down John's face. How could I have been so *stupid*? So *blind*? How could I not realize it was *her*? The falling feeling was replaced by a mixture of gnawing panic and pain that settled in the bottom of his gut. All the pieces, the pieces that he had refused to see for so long were starting to fit together. One by one they were slotting into place. The journal was the missing piece. The key.

******

Q had forestalled Marlena's demands for explanations with the offer of a hot drink. She had tried to refuse, to let her anger be the guiding force, but when every cell in her body cried out for warmth she was forced to acquiesce. Her grateful fingers curled around the thick, yellow mug and the heat was almost agonizing in it's potency.

He sank into the softness of the seat opposite her and with downcast eyes he began to elucidate.
"I did it because I care about you Marlena." The outstretched palm of his hand stayed any interjection from her. "No, please let me explain. I need for you to understand. And to do that you must hear me out." Sensing her tacit acceptance, he continued.

"I could see that you and John loved each other. More than that. You needed each other to make yourselves whole again. So I did what I thought best. I threw you together with no means of running away from the truth. And it worked." Marlena remained silent, knowing he was right. "And I took your children to their grandparents, because I knew that you would want that. For them to be safe. I hoped you would trust me enough to know that I had done that." A slight inclination of Marlena's head told Q that she had trusted him that much. But the expression on her face told him that she wasn't sure that it extended any further.

He breathed in deeply to steady his human nerves. "So then I decided to pay a visit to Kristen. I know, you know, how nasty she is Marlena. How evil. You know she has done some terrible things. Some things that have harmed you and yours. But what about the things that you don't know?" His voice dropped and took on a tone of disgust. "Believe me. There are plenty." His explanation carried straight on, not allowing Marlena even the smallest of questions. "So I went to visit her. To tell her that she may as well give up on John, because she would never win. Not while I had any say in the matter. But then she began to taunt me. I could deal with that. She's petty, nasty and common. A vindictive little tramp. And she's not exactly a rocket scientist." A sneer crossed his face as he remembered her pitiful attempts at slurs.

"But then she began to insult you. And accuse you of putting me up to the visit. Of wanting to kill her baby." His guilt became obvious. "I lost my cool Marlena. I let her bait me to the point where I had to take that supercilious smirk off her face any way I could. So I told her. And when she wouldn't believe me, I showed her. I had no idea that she might lose the brat. Or that it would impact on you so much if she did." He finally looked back up at Marlena, his eyes pleading with her for even a little understanding, if not forgiveness. "I'm so sorry Marlena. I only wanted to help. And it seems I've only ended up hurting you more."

"No." Marlena's voice didn't sound like her voice. "You only forced me to finally see the truth. But that doesn't mean I agree with your actions. Or your motives." She impaled him with a cold stare.
"No Marlena. You're wrong." Q implored her to rethink her position. "You and John belong together. He's made some mistakes, but haven't we all?" He ignored the irony in Marlena's glance and carried on. "You belong together and I just didn't want to see anyone in your way any longer."

Marlena closed her eyes and let out a tired sigh.
"We all make mistakes Eugene, yes. John told me he loved me. But he couldn't believe in me when it really mattered. If you don't have trust 'Gene, you don't have anything. You certainly don't have love." She looked at him with eyes that had seen the pain of a thousand lifetimes. "It's too late now. Finally it's just too late."

******

John continued to read, the tears flowing freely, only now realizing just what Marlena had suffered. Not only while she was with Stefano, but what she had suffered every day, just having to watch him with Kristen.

John, I've always loved you, I always will. I wish you could know...

The lines that peppered the pages cut through his soul. They were the cries for help that he had never heard and he was not sure that he could ever forgive himself.

My dearest John, if only these words could reach you; if only you could've heard them before it was too late; if only I could tell you, tell anyone, that I'm here in Paris...I could have hope of being freed. But no one knows the truth, no one knows.

John I miss you so. If only I had told you, warned you about Kristen, this never would have happened. If only you'd known in time, you could've come to me.

Stefano is becoming more unstable every day. He has progressed from obsession to madness. He cannot understand or accept the fact that I will never return his love, that I will never willingly make love with him, that we will never live happily ever after together. I don't think he'll ever physically hurt me but as he sinks deeper and deeper into his fantasy I can't predict what could happen. I must find a way to escape; but how? It's been impossible so far, but I can't give up hope. I can't bear the thought of never seeing my children, my family, my friends again . . .

Her words chilled John to the soul. Suddenly the memories that he had been hiding, that he had tried to banish, returned with a vengeance. I don't *think* he'll ever physically hurt me. But he had seen her, that night that Stefano had made his abhorrent offer. His pleasure for her freedom. John had felt sick to the stomach then but he felt even worse now. Knowing he could have prevented it all. If only he hadn't been so stupid.

The worst thing was that he had never talked to Marlena about what had happened in Paris. When Kristen had dragged him back to Salem he had shut it out of his mind, trying to protect himself. *Himself*. Not *her*. What the hell kind of a man am I? John had never hated himself quite as much as he did at this moment.

Quickly and with ragged breathing, he flicked through to the page he was seeking. The first few words seemed to confirm his worst fears.

I did a terrible thing tonight John. Oh my love, how will you ever forgive me? Stefano made me an offer. He would give me my freedom in return for one night. He wants me to be the mother of his *child*. He is sick and perverted John but I actually *considered* it. I almost did it. For my children, for Belle I almost gave into that monster. But then somehow I heard your voice. I felt you and I felt your strength. And love, it gave me the strength I needed. And I told him I would never give into him. Not willingly. Oh God John. What I would give to have you by my side. Please don't give up on me. Never give up on me, for I need you more than you will ever know.

******

Q moved over to Marlena and removed the cooling tea from her hands. Then taking her hands in his, he looked into her eyes.
"Marlena. Please don't do this. John loves you."
"Does he?" Marlena pulled her hands out of his. "I don't know that. He hasn't shown me much proof of it." She stood and returned to the window that looked out over the city. Dusk was beginning to make it's cheerless presence felt and the city lights began to twinkle into their nightly existence. "You know Eugene, ever since I've returned, It's been one woman after another for John. Isabella he loved and married. I can accept that. But after that, after our affair, he hopped from one bed to another. As if, if he couldn't be with me he'd just find someone to be with. I don't know if he was ever without a woman for a week." She turned to face Q. "If that's love, I don't want any part of it."

"Maybe he was frightened of hurting you again?" Q suggested. "After seeing the pain he caused you with the affair, maybe he decided to stay away, whatever the cost was to him. Maybe he didn't want to see you in pain again?"
"And maybe if he wasn't totally blind, dumb and deaf he would have seen that he's been hurting me ever since." Marlena's anger was heating up again. "I won't buy it Eugene. And I won't make excuses for him any longer."

"Hear, hear." An unexpected voice from the doorway made them both swing round.
"Q!" Q snapped angrily at Q2. "Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" He turned to Marlena. "I'm so sorry Marlena. This is a *friend* of mine. He's Q too."
"Nice to meet you Dr. Evans." Q2 strode into the room, briefly stopping to shake a stunned Marlena's hand. "Q, we have to talk." Q glared at the blonde man but given that his future lay in Q2's hands, he couldn't very well ignore him.
"Excuse me Marlena. This shouldn't take very long."
"That's fine." Marlena countered by picking up her coat. "Our conversation is over anyway. I'm going to go and pick up my daughter. I trust you'll show your *friend* the door when you are finished. And perhaps you'll give him a lesson in human politeness?"

Q watched her go with frustration.
"Q, Q, Q...." Q2 grinned with enormous satisfaction. "Really made a hash of things haven't you."
"Yes, well Q, I thought you weren't supposed to be revealing your presence to any of these people. Least of all Marlena." Q was shocked as Q2 did something he never normally did. He frowned.
"Well, no you're right there. But something has cropped up. Something I have just been made aware of. And it's extremely important."

******

Small blurred spots marked the pages of Marlena's journal. It didn't take John long to figure out that they were the markers of Marlena's tears. Especially when his joined them. Every word that he read made him feel sicker and more angry at both himself and Kristen but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the writing.

John,
I don't quite know how to write this. Stefano told me today that you are dead. He told me that you were killed in the explosion at the warehouse. But I cannot bring myself to believe him. If you were gone... Oh my love, I cannot even begin to think of my life without you. But I cannot believe him. I refuse to. I still feel you, here with me. I would *know*. If I couldn't feel our connection any more. Only then would I believe that you are gone from this world. So I hope and I pray that you are still out there, looking for me John. You must feel me as I feel you. You, you and the children are the only things that are keeping me sane. Keeping me alive. Please John. Don't give up on me....

John kept on reading. Through the humiliation she had suffered at the hands of Stefano, through the misery she endured as she longed to hold her children in her arms and through the agony that she felt as the days stretched out and hope faded. He had failed her. Again.

At last he was coming to the end of the journal. And yet another condemnation of Kristen's actions. She had seen Marlena at the ball, yet she had never told John. His heart felt as if it were being constricted in a vice as he read her words.

But now Stefano won't tell me where you are. He has you and I don't know if you are alive or dead. Oh God John. Have we come this far, just to fail when we were so close?

John couldn't read any further and as if in slow motion, the book fell, still open, into his lap. Raising his eyes to the ceiling, he let out an uncontrolled moan, a sound of profound loss and betrayal. A sound that made Sami's heart ache. Raising his hands to cover his eyes, John attempted to choke back the first great gulping sob that shook his body. Unsuccessful, he hunched over his lap, his face in his hands as the agony rocked his body in waves.

******

"Momma!" Belle scrambled up from the floor and the book that she had been reading and flung herself at her mother. Marlena knelt down and gathered her daughter into her arms, the first smile crossing her face since the scene with John.
"Hi sweetie-girl." She pulled back and brushed the golden hair off Belle's face. "How have you been?"
"Good Momma. Bady an' me, we's been paying schools. I's the teacher. Bady go sit in the cormer." Belle grinned wickedly.

Marlena's giggle was cut short by a soft tug on her sleeve. Brady looked at her shyly, his expressive brown eyes full of confusion.
"Hi there sweetheart. Are you okay?" Marlena asked gently.
"Where's my dad Mo-Marlena?" Marlena's icy facade melted as she took the little boy in her arms with Belle.
"Your dad is kinda busy at the moment Brady."
"When is he gonna pick me up?" Brady's bottom lip quivered.
"Oh honey, I'm not sure." Marlena stroked his cheek. "I'm sure he'll be by as soon as he can." Her reassurance didn't seem to help the little boy as a tear trickled from his eye.
"I miss him." He sobbed. "Doesn't he love me anymore?"
"Oh sweetie, of course he loves you." Marlena hugged him close.

"He just *busy* Bady." Belle interjected. "Don't be a baby."
"He's not being a baby Belle honey," Marlena admonished. "He just wants to see his Daddy. Just like you do."
"Bady come home wid us den." Belle decided, taking Brady's hand. Marlena looked at the little boy with all the love in the world. All he needed was a little tender love and care. And John seemed to have little enough of that to go around at the moment.
"Of course Brady can come home with us. If he wants to, that is." She smiled as Brady jerked his head up and down, his demeanor changed almost instantly. "I'll take that as a yes. Well, come on then you two. Let's get going. It'll be dark soon."

Marlena attempted a tired smile as she padded down the stairs after the children. Lord knows what the family must have thought when she had walked straight through the pub and up the stairs without so much as a word. All eyes turned to her as she entered the room.
"Thanks for looking after them Caroline, Shawn." Caroline nodded, concern discernible all over her face.
"Are you alright Marlena?"
"I'm sorry Caroline, It's been a terribly long day. Please forgive me if I'm not very chatty." She tried the smile again, but gave up as her lips faltered. "Say good-bye to your grandparents kids." The children made the most of their good-byes and Marlena looked at the door longingly. She thought she was going to escape as the children came to her side. A voice at her right waylaid her.
"Marlena, what's wrong?" Carrie asked laying her hand on Marlena's arm.
"Nothing's wrong Carrie. I'm just tired." She shrugged off Carrie's arm and any attending sympathy. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Carrie watched with hurt eyes as Marlena and the children left the pub. Austin came up behind her and slipped his arms around her waist.
"I'm sure she didn't mean it Carrie." Carrie turned round and looked at her husband, the mixture of confusion and worry masking the pain she felt at Marlena's brush-off. Shaking her head, she sighed.
"I know. Something *is* wrong Austin. Something is really wrong."

******

John felt drained beyond the limits of his capacity for emotion. His senses felt anaesthetised, as if the pain he felt had overburdened them to the point where they were unable to register any more. Still, he was afraid to pick up the journal again, afraid that it would renew the pain and this time the tears would never end. And yet, he was in this till the end. Whatever that may be.

There was only one more entry in the journal. And it was dated the night Eugene had arrived back in town. The night that Kristen had announced her pregnancy. And unlike all the other entries in the journal, it wasn't addressed to him. It was like she had finally given up on him.

He could hardly blame her.

So much has happened since Paris. There is no way to write down all that I have felt or am feeling. I just want this pain to end.

Why do I do it to myself? Why do I persist in loving him so when it seems that we are never destined to be together? Kristen told us tonight that she is pregnant again. I can hardly believe it. It seems too soon after her miscarriage, yet....she was telling the truth. I could see it in his eyes.

Why didn't I tell him? After Paris. I would have died with him in Paris. If Stefano had let me. Oh Lord, I *love* him that much. But I let Kristen walk away with him again. And now she has another baby. Another threat to hang over my head. If I told John now, another innocent child could die. His child. So I can't. So I have to give him up. Because I am tired of fighting and he made his choice.

Oh Lord, please give me strength. Because I don't know if I can walk away when he is all that I know. Oh why can't I stop loving him........?

Sami watched John as he closed the journal and placed it carefully on her bed. The grief welled up in him once again and the contents of that one, insignificant looking book threatened to overwhelm him. He fought hard to maintain his composure, his tear-streaked face showing the strain. But finally he won the battle, returning Sami's stare, hard and deliberate.

Without a sound, he stood. Understanding him, Sami nodded and watched his tensely muscled back as he left the room. Leaning over, she retrieved the journal and hugged it close to her chest, finally allowing herself the luxury of her own tears.

******

Q appeared in the main foyer of the hospital and tried to orient himself. He had to catch John Black before it was too late. But he had to find him first. He arrived at Sami's room, pausing only long enough to utter a breathless "John?" Sami pointed in the direction of Kristen's room and Q was gone. He overtook John three rooms before Kristen's.

"Stop John. You have to stop," he pleaded. John ignored him and kept on walking. Q desperately leaped in front of him and put his hands out, forcing John to stop. "John, *listen* to me. You can't go in there......"

"Look, I know I'm not your favourite person right now. Or anyone's for that matter." Q stood in front of an expressionless John. "Look John, just hear me out. Please. For Marlena's sake" His invocation of Marlena's name finally elicited a reply from John.
"Leave Marlena out of this," he growled menacingly. "Say what you have to say and then go."
"Alright. You can't go in there and confront Kristen. More than likely she would lose the baby and then after you had calmed down, you would blame yourself. And more than that, Marlena would blame *herself*. The whole reason she never told you about Kristen was that she wanted to protect the baby. Your baby." Q tried to reason with John, hoping that the idea of hurting Marlena again would be too much for him to bear

"But everything that she *did*..." John was beginning to falter, but he couldn't let go of his anger so easily.
"I know John. It was horrific. But you have to think of Marlena now." He laid a halting hand on John's arm and began to relax when John didn't shake it off. "Leave it for a day or two. When you are a bit calmer you will be able to see a little more clearly. And if you still want to confront Kristen then, when you are totally aware of *all* the consequences, I won't try to stop you." A little pressure from his hand guided John to the seats that lined the wall of the corridor.

"You knew all this didn't you?" John asked Q through the tears that once again drenched his face. Q nodded somberly.
"Unfortunately I let my anger at Kristen get the better of me. And I may yet live to regret the consequences of my actions. I wouldn't want to see you make the same mistake." He frowned. "She's a nasty piece of work John and she's manipulated the people of this town for far too long. Don't give her another weapon to add to her armoury." John's nod was slow and miserable. "Good. Now I'm sure you have *other* matters to take care of." He looked at John, his eyes full of significant messages that John wasn't sure he was ready to comprehend.

Finally John acquiesced with a nod and stood up, looking as if he bore the weight of the world on his slumped shoulders. With one final pained look towards Kristen's door, he turned and shuffled down the hallway. Q watched him go with interest. He looked shattered. A broken man. And Q wasn't sure he didn't deserve it.

Slowly he turned his attention to Kristen's room. Kristen had to have a back-up plan. She wasn't just going to let John go. Although she might find it a little difficult to hang onto John now he knew the truth. Still, she was a DiMera, by learning if not by breeding. And if there was one thing you never did, it was underestimate a DiMera.

The silence that filled the air in the living room of the penthouse was awkward and oppressive. The lights were either dimmed or out completely and it added to the atmosphere. John regarded Marlena with a false bravado. He had sounded confident, like he knew what he was going to say. In reality he had no idea where to even start. Marlena crossed her arms in front of her and glared him.
"I have nothing to say to you."

John held the book out in front of him like a peace offering.
"Don't you want to talk about this Marlena?"
"Not particularly." Marlena snatched the journal from his hands and hugged it to her like it afforded some form of protection.
"Don't you even want to know how I came by it?" John needled cautiously.
"Not particularly," Marlena repeated. "I just want you to leave."
"I'm not going to Marlena." John said softly, stepping toward her. "Not till we've resolved this."

******

Q sat alone in his room and listened to the voices as they drifted up lazily from downstairs. Given the freedom, he would have listened but Marlena had asked him for privacy and that was what she was going to get.

Not that he liked it. Just like he didn't like the way he was feeling lately. Even though he knew his only hope of getting back into the Continuum was to get Marlena and John back together, he was finding that he was less and less inclined to want to do it. He cared so much about Marlena and all John seemed to do these days was cause her tears. And Eugene hated to see her cry.

******

Marlena laughed at the irony of it.
"Nice try John. It's just a pity that you're about three years too late."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that you've blown it John. There's nothing *to* resolve anymore." Marlena turned her back on him and walked into the living room. Her heart sank as she heard him follow. She had hoped he would just go, but really, she had known that he wouldn't make it that easy for her. He never did.

"But what about last night?" John pressed.
"What *about* last night?" she retorted angrily, turning to look out of the window, not trusting herself to look at his face.
"You felt it. I know you did. Marlena, what we have is special, you can't just throw it away." He put his hand on her shoulder but stepped back in surprise as she violently shrugged it off. She turned round and looked him squarely in the eye, then in a gesture of defiance, she threw her journal on the coffee table with all the force she could find.

"What we *had* John. Last night was a lie. You've been prepared to walk away from what we had for years now. What was I supposed to do? Wait around forever?" she asked bitterly.
"That's not how it was at all Marlena," John's reply held a hint of anger. "I was trying to protect *you*. You have suffered so much pain, I didn't want to be the source of any more. I love you too much for that."
"That is the most *pathetic* thing I've heard." Marlena said vehemently. "Maybe if you hadn't been so wrapped up in *Kristen* for the past three years you might have seen that every time you talked to me you hurt me."

John's posture sagged at this unexpected blow and his resolve seemed to crumple a little. he didn't know if what Marlena was saying was true, or if she was just saying it to try to hurt him. Either way he had to get past this anger that she wielded like a weapon. He looked at the journal that lay on the table and he picked it up.
"I read it you know."
"How nice for you." Marlena replied with sarcasm. "Funny, I always thought people's journals were private."
"I'm sorry Marlena." He paused, wondering what to say next. He didn't want to give away the fact that it was Sami that had given him the journal. "The...the person that gave me this thought that I should read it. And most of what you have written *is* addressed to me Doc."
"That doesn't give you the *right* to read it John." Marlena's anger was simmering, somewhere just below boiling point. "If I had wanted you to read it, *I* would have given it to you. And you can tell Sami that too."

It hadn't taken many connections for Marlena to realize that it was her daughter who had given the offending article to John. She wasn't angry at Sami, she understood that the young woman was just trying to do what she considered the right thing to be. Marlena also appreciated how hard it must have been for Sami to do just that. But that didn't change her feelings toward John, or how she felt about him reading her innermost thoughts. Two months ago she would have given anything for him to read it. Even two weeks ago. But now she just felt as if her privacy and her soul had been invaded and it made her nauseous.

"I *am* sorry Doc. Maybe I shouldn't have read it." John saw the pain in her eyes and once again felt the guilt of causing it.
"No. Maybe you shouldn't have," Marlena snapped.
"But I did read it and we need to deal with what's happening here, now." His voice was tentative, but he believed what he was saying and hoped she would too. He leaned over and dropped the book back on the table. "The things that you wrote in there.....Doc, I don't understand why you didn't come and tell me all these things. Why you let me believe that Kristen was good and kind. And that you didn't love me anymore. Why didn't you tell me Marlena?"

Marlena shook her head in disbelief and clenched her teeth as she tried to control her anger. John watched the tiny twitch of the muscle in her cheek and knew she was angry. He fought the instinctive urge to turn and walk away, to let her cool off before he confronted her again but he rode through it. He had to know her answers. It was several moments before Marlena could trust herself to give him those answers.

"Why didn't I tell you? Well how about the fact that I had no idea how you felt until that damn letter and I wasn't about to give you the satisfaction of riding roughshod over my heart again. And how about when I found your letter in Kristen's book she blackmailed me into not telling you by using the life of your unborn child," she shot, her eyes flashing. John opened his mouth to speak. "Shut up John. For once in your life you can listen to what *I* have to say. If you're going to demand answers, you could at least have the grace to listen to them!" She was in full swing and all the pent up anger she felt towards John and his behaviour was finally spilling forth. She wasn't about to hold back now.

"Yes I *love* you John. It seems as if I always have and to be quite honest, I don't see that I'll stop any time soon. But there is a thing called self-respect. And I intend to keep mine intact, even if you are content to sacrifice yours. I have sat around this penthouse for four long years and waited for you to come to your senses. I tried to tell you so many times how I felt, but you always seemed to brush it off, to tell me what a good *friend* I was when all I wanted was for you to take me in your arms and never let me go." John opened his mouth to speak again but stopped in his tracks when he saw the fury in Marlena's eyes. He was just going to have to stand here and listen if he ever wanted her to talk to him again.

"And I *did* tell you." She stormed past him, desperately looking for something to occupy her shaking hands. She found the table and leaned on it, trying to gain strength from it's solidness. "I was willing to die with you in Paris. I *told* you I *loved* you. I put my damn head in that guillotine with yours. So don't you *dare* try to tell me *I* never shared my feelings. I did the best I could. *I* brought up our daughter. *I* spent four years in an empty *lonely* bed and *I* stood by you when *no-one* else would."

The darkness was comforting and she turned around, still gripping the table. She found him behind her, his eyes full of a pain that she didn't want to see. "And what did I get in return John? I'll tell you what, I got *nothing*. I got four years of being a doormat, being there for you when something went wrong, only to have you run into some other woman's arms when she snapped her fingers. I got years of you telling me what a good kind woman Kristen was even after she'd been ready to convict and sentence you for Tony's death. And I got years of heartache, seeing you with Kristen, when you just kept me dangling. 'Good ol' Marlena, she'll be there to pick up the pieces when things go wrong won't she?'" Marlena took a deep breath and fired her last salvo.

"Well John, if you can't make up your mind, that's tough. Because I can't make it up for you. And you just ran out of time. Whatever you read in that diary, it doesn't mean anything anymore. You may as well have taken the white-out and blanked out every single word. Because that's how I felt when you left Paris with her and then....." she faded out, unable to even conjure up the words that would put John and Kristen in the same bed. "You know what John? Maybe you were right to go back to Kristen. I mean, isn't guilt the only reason you've done *anything* for the last five years?"

"That's not fair Doc." John's voice was a whisper. He felt as if he were being swept away in a tidal wave of pain and despair. If he'd hated himself when he read the journal at the hospital, it was nothing compared to how he felt now. Knowing he had caused Marlena all that pain was unbearable and he just wanted to curl up into a little ball and die. But that wouldn't solve anything. That wouldn't put all the wrongs right. His heart was suffused with pangs of torment and his eyes began to shed the tears that he had denied since he had left Sami's room.

"That's not fair? You have no *idea* of what's unfair." Marlena was struggling to keep her tears at bay. She refused to let him see her cry. She wouldn't give him that satisfaction. "What's unfair is all the time and life and love I have sacrificed for you. What's unfair is that your children are upstairs and they're not sure that you even care about them any more. What's unfair is that I have to stand here and *explain* all this to you."

******

Q sat against the wall in the bedroom, his legs pulled up under his chin. He could still hear the voices. Or rather he could still hear Marlena's voice. And it tore at him to hear her in so much pain. But somewhere deep inside, a seed of satisfaction began to unfurl.

******

Belle hugged her bunny rabbit a little tighter as a tear trickled off her cheek and into the softness of the surrounding blanket. She had woken to find herself alone in the dark room with her Momma's voice rising up the stairs and through the crack in the door where the light shone softly. Belle knew her Mommy was angry and when she heard her Mommy speak her Daddy's name, she knew who she was angry at. It frightened the little girl more than anything ever had. In her dreams, she, her Momma, her Daddy, and Brady were a happy family and she clung to those dreams in an increasingly confusing and frightening world. But now it seemed as if there would be no refuge. If her Mommy was fighting with her Daddy, who would be there to hug her when her dreams became nightmares?

******

Marlena still couldn't stop herself. She knew she was hurting John terribly but she had to say it all now. She'd never get a second chance. She wasn't saying it for effect. She was finally telling him how she really felt. What she'd been denying, even to herself all these years. And while he still had a hint of fight, of disagreement in his eyes, she would continue until she was done.
"Marlena, I know you're hurting right now, but don't you think you're being hasty?" John begged. "Please. You have to give me a chance to explain my side to you." He was crying freely now, the tears flowing down his face, dripping off his jawline and making dark patches on his shirt.

"I don't *have* to do anything John. And I understand you so little these days that your explanation wouldn't make any sense to me anyway." She pressed her lips together until they were white, battling to keep her composure as John continued to sob. "You have *hurt* me so much. And I don't think I can ever forgive you. I don't know what Kristen has done to you, but you're not the man I fell in love with." She shook her head and turned away, finally succumbing to the distress she felt deep inside. This was probably the hardest thing she had ever had to do. "Can you please just *go* John?"

She felt him come up behind her and in one quick movement he had grasped her arm and turned her around.
"Just tell me you don't love me Doc. Look me in the eyes and tell me that and I'll go. I'll never bother you again." His tearstained face sent arcs of pain shooting through her chest. She couldn't tell him that she didn't love him. Because she did and that was why this hurt so much. Because she was giving up a dream she had lived for ten years. And because it would be so easy to give in to him.

"You know I love you." Her voice was low and husky but had such conviction that it took John's breath away. "But love isn't enough any more John. There's too much water under that bridge." She shook her head again, her eyes huge and glistening. "I have to build myself a new life. And I'm sorry, but you're not going to be in it."

She looked up at the landing. "Brady is here with us. He can stay until you have sorted yourself out. He needs continuity John, and I think that I am more capable of that than you are at the moment." John looked at her mutely. So many word swum around his brain that he could barely think out a coherent sentence let alone try to string one together vocally. Marlena continued as she walked away from him towards the door. "When you have decided what you are going to do, when you are settled, call me and we can arrange for Brady to come back to you." The light in front of the door hurt her eyes and she turned it down with the dimmer.

"What about.....can I still see them?" John couldn't fight her any more, he was too tired and too heartsick. And he couldn't argue with her because he knew, deep in his soul that she was right. He had treated her appallingly and now he was going to pay for it.
"You can still see them, but I think it would be better if I wasn't around when you do." Marlena asserted. "For all of us." She looked at him, her face a mask of indifference and opened the door. "I'll make the arrangements." John nodded and stepped halfway through the door. Suddenly he turned back round.
"I *do* love you Marlena Evans. And last night wasn't a lie. It was the most wonderful night of my life."
"Cherish it then." Marlena whispered. "I couldn't take that from you even if I wanted to."
"And you wouldn't want to?" John asked softly. Marlena shook her head and a lone tear escaped.
"No, because I know how much it hurts." She looked at him, surprising even herself with the reserves of strength she found. "But it doesn't change anything John. It's still over and I'm still asking you to leave." She began to shut the door behind him.

Finding he had nothing left to say, John stepped out into the lobby. Farewells didn't come. How could he say good-bye to the best thing that had ever happened to him? He heard the door click shut and his body made it as far as the elevator before it seemed to loose all substance. Crumpling to the ground in a heap his emotions overtook him and Time seemed to stop as his body emptied itself of it's sorrow, a sorrow that would replenish itself with every step that he took from now on.

Inside, Marlena walked slowly to the couch and picked up the mohair blanket that lay discarded on the seat. Wrapping it around herself, she moved to the window and opened it. Despite the bitter cold, she walked out onto the balcony. She looked up and saw the stars, uncovered from their misty enshroudment. They seemed to beckon her, to entice her with their mesmerizing brilliance. Yet the frigid air attacked her lungs, grounding her, bringing her unwillingly back to the here and now. She breathed deep mouthfuls of it, relishing the biting reality that clung to it. It was a perfect winter's night on a night that felt as far away from perfect as you could get

The first sob took her by surprise. She had survived the confrontation with John. She had been as strong as she had to be but, as always, there was a price that had to be paid. It was part of the deal. Clinging to the bars of the balcony as though it supported her life, she descended to her knees. She pressed her face to the freezing strips of metal and pulled the blanket closer round herself as the day took its supreme toll. The sobs shook her, causing her frozen hands to tear on the sharp edges of the ironwork. Her body produced yet more tears, a seemingly never-ending march over her elegantly pale features. A pain that felt like it was going to split her in two permeated her being and through the numbness of her anguish, Marlena wondered if she was going to survive this lonely and utterly interminable night.

Seeds of uprooted chance
Are grains of goodbye
Waving boughs so slowly dance
Questioning why

Fate must have a reason
Why else endure the season
Of hollow soul
The ground on which we leave on
How strangely fuels the season
Of hollow soul

k.d. lang, Season of Hollow Soul

Q found Marlena there on the balcony, her body shaking uncontrollably. Her glassy eyes stared blankly at the empty street below and she seemed unaware of her surroundings, like her emotions were somehow detached from her senses. Still, slow tears trickled their way down her cheeks to collect in freezing puddles on the deck below her.

He knelt down beside her and tried to capture her attention but it proved useless. She seemed to have retreated inside herself, unable to see or feel anything. Gently he pried her numb and bleeding hands from the frozen bars and pulled her to him, his concern growing. With a small moan, she settled against him and he enfolded her icy limbs in his.

It was several minutes before he became aware of the uncomfortable feeling of deadness that was emanating from one of his feet. Awkwardly, but as gently as he could, Q scooped Marlena up in his arms and carried her inside to the living room. He felt her bury her face in his neck as they entered the slightly warmer room, the images of the recent past too painful for her to deal with.

Not quite sure what to do next, Q set Marlena on the soft couch. His attempt at leaving her resulted in an anguished groan that grasped at his already raw emotions so that he had no choice but to stay with her. He sat next to her on the couch and she nestled against him, as if willing him to block out all the recent events. He sighed a heart-sore sigh. If only he could do that for her, he would. He would do anything to save her from this pain. But he couldn't. It wouldn't *help* anyone, least of all her.

Quietly he closed the door with his Q powers and he produced another two blankets, wrapping one around Marlena and spreading the second one over the two of them. Looking down at her golden hair, her face buried somewhere in the warmth of his woolen jersey he sighed again. His face twisted into a grimace as he thought of Kristen in that lifeless hospital room. He was so tempted to end it then and there. Snuff out her miserable existence like the nasty little parasite that she was. Nothing would give him more pleasure. Well, almost nothing. But he couldn't do that now. Not now. Instead, he wrapped his strong arms around his best friend in the entire universe, leaned back and closed his eyes.

******

The kink in John's neck woke him and he massaged it absently as he tried to orient himself. The grey sky of dawn told him that the night had passed and he wondered dazedly why he was in the back of his jeep.

Suddenly the memories hit him like an avalanche of emotion. The pain, anger and shame whirled into a huge missile that impacted with the full force of the bitter morning air that seeped into the vehicle.

He didn't know how he had made it to the car. The click of the door after Marlena had bid him her final good-bye was imprinted indelibly in his memory but everything afterwards dissolved into a mush that seemed to have no beginning and no ending. He could only assume that he had made it down to the car at some stage and that he had been unable or unwilling to go back either to the DiMera Mansion or to the loft. Both places held too many memories, too much pain.

Too much pain.

More pain than one person should have to bear alone. But never again was he going to be able to share it with anyone. He had driven away the one person he loved more than anything. More than life itself. And he was alone. Once again, ten years after he had lost her, lost her to a tragic accident, he had lost her again. This time however, he had no-one but himself to blame.

******

Belle crept downstairs, trailing her stuffed rabbit behind her. It was still early, too early for her Momma, or even Brady to be awake. But she couldn't sleep. She stopped at the foot of the stairs and frowned when she saw Marlena and Q sleeping on the couch. That wasn't right.

Her bottom lip quivered as she remembered the shouting from the night before. Something was wrong, but she didn't know what. Quietly she padded across the living room until she stood in front of the sofa. Gently she lifted the blanket that covered the pair and climbed onto the sofa underneath it. As carefully as she could, she tucked her tiny body into the space between her mother and Q.

Marlena moved slightly in her sleep as the small, warm body of her daughter included herself in the unusual sleeping arrangements. Pulling a protective arm across Belle, she descended back into her unsettled slumber.

******

John had lost all concept of time. The hours seemed to pass by in a blur of ever moving numbers. Yet each minute seemed to crawl by, taunting him with their seeming infinity. Somehow, at some time, he found himself down at the pier.

Crouching at the edge of the old wooden structure he stared into the dull murkiness of the river water. The water, the pier itself seemed to mock him. Faces, ghosts from his past, ghouls from his present swam past in the freezing water and the voices rang stridently in his head. Orpheus, Stefano and Kristen, they all merged into one hideous montage of deception and hate, their voices gleefully chanting a recitation that John could not drown out. You lost John. You lost again. What a *loser*.

"NO!" He rubbed his eyes viciously, trying to rid himself of the torment he was creating. The images swam out of focus and he looked up at the leaden sky, seeking some heavenly guidance. The harsh light of day precluded any help for Isabella's star and John felt more alone than he had in his entire life.

******

Marlena woke to find Brady staring at her with curiosity.
"Momma? Are you okay?" Marlena's heart thumped as she recognized the gift that Brady had just given her. She wasn't sure that he even realized it himself, it had been so natural and unrehearsed.
"I'm fine sweetheart." She smiled a reassuring smile and Brady responded with obvious relief. Q opened one eye and then, un-noticed, closed it again, content to let the family have a few moments to themselves.

"Where's your sister?" Marlena asked, still not fully awake. A tiny hand emerged from the top of the blanket and pulled it down to reveal an elfin face, framed by tousled blonde hair.
"Here!" Belle squealed with a grin.
"Oh, my! What are you doing there young lady?" Marlena demanded with an affectionate smile.
Belle's face sobered.
"Heddy couldn't sweep." She pulled out the worn rabbit from under the blanket.
"Why couldn't Heddy sleep?" Marlena asked gently, stroking Belle's hair.
"Her Mommy and Daddy had a fight." Belle told her solemnly. "She had a bad dweam. So I taked her down faw a gwass of miwk."

"Oh Belle, sweetheart." Marlena beckoned Brady onto the couch and she pulled both of the children onto her lap, enveloping the two of them in a hug. "Do you two know how much I love you?" Her eyes shone as both of the children nodded simultaneously.
"I know this is hard for you to understand. Your Daddy and I..." she faltered, unable to find the words she needed. How on earth did you tell your children that there was irrevocable damage in your relationship with their father? "My sweet angels. There are some things that we will never understand, however hard we try. Something has happened that means that your Daddy and I, well, we are having trouble talking to each other at the moment. But that doesn't mean that either of us love you any less. It just means that when you see him, I won't be there, not for a while anyway."

Belle and Brady looked at her with large confused eyes.
"Does that mean I have to go live with Kristen?" Brady asked with obvious unease.
"No sweetie, you don't have to live with Kristen if you don't want to." Marlena mussed up his hair with her fingers. "You can stay here with us for as long as you want."
"Forever?" Brady asked hopefully. Marlena grinned.
"How about you talk to your father about that first. Then if you still want to live with us forever, well, I don't see why not."

Q opened his eyes with feigned sleepiness and yawned. He returned Belle's giggle with a grin and made a charade out of stretching. When he was finished he looked at Marlena. She was still beautiful, even with the dark circles below her eyes marking out bruises of grief under her ashen skin. But she was smiling and that was a very definite improvement.

******

Sami pushed the last of her things into the bag and pulled the zip shut. Mike had signed the discharge forms and she was free to go. Not that she knew *where* she was going. She hadn't seen either John or her mother all morning but it was nearing midday and she didn't want to wait around any longer. So, with some trepidation she had asked the nurse to order her a taxi. She was going to have to face her mother's ire some time. It may as well be now.

Mike entered the room, concern written on his face.
"Are you sure you'll be alright taking a taxi to your mother's Sami?" he asked. "I'd be happier if someone came to take you."
"I'll be fine Dr. Horton," Sami assured him. "Mom was supposed to pick me up but I guess she's got caught up in something. I'm feeling much better and a taxi ride isn't going to hurt me."
"Alright." Mike conceded graciously. "But I want you to promise me to get the taxi driver to take your bag up for you." He picked up the bag himself and walked to the door. "Well come on, I'm sure you want to get out of this place." Sami grinned and gave the room one last glance.
"You bet!"

******

John shivered, pulling his jacket closer round him. The frigid wind carried the distinct promise of snow and the blanket of cloud that obscured the sky took on the appearance of dull metal. He looked at the jet before him and wondered what in God's name had brought him here. All morning, everywhere he had gone, there had been reminders of her. He couldn't escape them, even if he wanted to. Not that he really wanted to.

Deep down he knew he deserved every bit of pain he felt. Every pang of guilt and shame over the way that he had treated her. In a way it was what kept him alive. The pain, the guilt was something tangible, something to hold onto when there was nothing else left.

When he had left the pier he had driven aimlessly for what seemed like hours, a dull ache in his head and a violent one in his heart. He had found himself inexplicably at the airport and he had been drawn to the plane. The plane where he had begun to live again, where his love for Marlena had exploded into an extant reality and where a little angel had been given life.

As he entered the cabin, the tears began to flow again. He knelt down in front of the couch and buried his face in the soft leather, almost able to feel her presence. The memories were so intense in this place of all places that he could almost feel her there. Her soft, warm skin. Her fresh, clean scent. The feel of her body entwined with his. He shook his head, trying to free himself of the images. He couldn't give into the memories. It would drive him crazy if he let it.

He had been such a fool. Everything in the last four years seemed so clear, so simple now. The one constant factor had been *her*. She had loved him when no-one else could. She had stood by him when no-one else would. And she had waited for him when she could have had anyone she wanted. She had wanted him and he hadn't been there.

He had been with Kristen.

John shuddered at the thought of Kristen and what she had done to them. She truly was a DiMera and he wondered how he could have never seen it before. He must have been so naïve, so stupid. He sighed, but his voice cracked, the pain forcing a wedge through the centre of his soul. He couldn't control the tears which seemed to start with no real reason, except that he kept seeing Marlena's tear-stained face in front of his eyes and he couldn't make it go away.

Sitting on the seat, John hunched over and buried his face in his hands. He had to do something. He couldn't just carry on like this. He looked up at the portholes of the cabin. White flakes of snow drifted leisurely past and settled in clumps on the sills of the small windows. John took a deep breath. He had to go and confront Kristen. He had to know why. And he had to tell her that it was over. That he was going to devote himself to making it up to the one person he truly loved. He thought back to Eugene and vowed to himself to be as cautious and reserved as he could with Kristen. But if she did lose the child, a child that had been conceived out of deceit, not love, he would have to live with it. Surely it couldn't be much worse than what he had to live with now.

******

The doorbell caused the four heads to swing around in unison. Q looked at Marlena questioningly and stood when she nodded her head. Making his way to the door, he opened it, prepared to tell John to get lost if necessary.

But it wasn't John. Sami looked at Q and then at Marlena still sitting on the couch, swathed in blankets and small children. The table in front of them was covered by an assortment of breakfast dishes. What made her pause though, was the look on her mother's face.

The sight of Sami brought back to Marlena the events of the previous day, as if doubled in intensity and clarity. The images and sounds assaulted her as they flashed before her eyes in a cacophony. The colour totally drained from her face as she relived the terrible pain she had suffered the night before.
"Momma?" Brady gently tugged at her sleeve, bringing her back to reality. "Momma, Sami's here."
Marlena shook her head, ridding herself of the fading reflections.
"Yes, thank you sweet-heart." Marlena smiled at him and then turned to her older daughter. "Sami honey, I'm sorry, I totally lost track of time. How did you get here?"
"By taxi." Sami said absently. She looked at the breakfast leftovers, food that Marlena obviously didn't make. There seemed to be no sign of John but her sharp eyes had noticed the journal lying on the floor by the window. "Mom, what's going on here?

John stood before the hospital and looked up. Somewhere in there was Kristen. Behind one of those anonymous glass windows lay the woman that had destroyed his life almost as completely as her father had done before her. He felt nothing for Kristen now. Nothing but revilement for what she had done to Marlena and his children. Belle had come close to losing her mother because of that woman and that he could never forgive.

Still, he had found it hard to come here and deal the final blow. He had driven from the airfield intending to come straight to the hospital and walk straight in through the doors which now stood forbiddingly before him. Instead he had driven past the building and round the block countless times. As he had come closer to the hospital, he had grown less and less sure of what he wanted to say to Kristen when he confronted her. The child that Kristen carried within her would link them forever but John found himself struggling with the idea of even having a child by Kristen. Logically he knew there was no other choice, but the thought of being tied to that woman by a child borne of lies made his stomach churn. And yet, deep within himself, he knew the truth of the lines that Marlena had written in her journal. The child was innocent. It had no part in Kristen's deception but to be the desired consequence.

He jammed his hands further down into his pockets and shrugged the scarf he wore around his neck upwards in a futile attempt to stave off the biting cold wind. His breath blew lazy billows of mist into the icy air as he struggled with his instincts. Finally, the air of despondence re-enveloped him and with a non-committal shrug, he stepped towards the concrete and glass edifice

******

Sami stared at the road. The snow had ceased falling a while ago and a mantle of white cloaked the ground around the penthouse obliterating most of the landmarks that she knew. Somehow it seemed to sum up the way she felt.

She traced a small heart in the moisture that clung to the cold glass of the window with her finger. It quickly lost shape as it slid down the window and she rubbed it out, an implicit expression of her inexplicable feeling of loss.

Marlena had taken her aside when she had arrived and filled her in on the events of the previous evening. There had been no censure for her part in the episode and somehow this had only made Sami feel worse. All she had done to bring her mother and John together seemed only to have served to drive them further apart. All Sami wanted now was for her parents to be happy. To be part of a family. For as long as she could remember, that was all she had so desperately wanted, to be part of a happy, loving family. And when it had failed to materialize with her parents she had attempted to create her own. But that had fallen apart too. And now all she wanted was to hold her beloved son in her arms and mourn the loss of an intangible dream.

******

Kristen smiled brightly as John entered the room. She had spent the previous night brooding over her earlier confrontation with John and had finally decided that if he visited her early, it would be good news. She was so wrapped up in her web of deception, she actually believed her own lies and had no doubt that John would come crawling back to her, asking her forgiveness for his transgressions.

Her smile soon faded however when she saw the expression on his face. What she was unaware of was the fact that John had been standing in front of the door of her room for ten minutes, recounting to himself all the terrible deeds that she had executed to keep her grip on him. He couldn't let his suffering and guilt at what Marlena had been through serve as a weakness for Kristen to exploit. He had to be strong for his family. His *real* family.

Kristen blanched slightly and then made an irrevocable decision to go with her planned approach. She had no way of knowing just how ineffective it would be.
"Hi Honey. I'm so glad to see you. I've been thinking a lot about yesterday and I wanted to clear the air between us. I think maybe we both said some things we regret. But if you're here now, I know you must have forgiven me." She wore her best 'little-girl' smile, knowing that John always gave in to it. This time however was different.
"Save it Kristen." John growled. "I don't want to hear it."
"But John..." Kristen pouted, unable to wheedle her way through John's foul mood.
"But nothing Kristen. I'm here because I want you to explain something to me."
"What's that honey?" Kristen asked sweetly.
"How exactly you thought you were going to keep the truth from me."

******

Carrie sat on the bed next to Sami as Will played happily on the floor.
"I can't believe it." Carrie repeated, shaking her head. "She was *so* happy yesterday morning."
"You didn't see the scene when John came in later though." Sami reminded her sister. "In a way I can understand why Mom did what she did. I think John just went too far. You can't exactly blame her after all that she has been through for him."
"I know." Carrie wiped her pale face with her hand and pushed the blonde locks behind her ear. "It's just that she's *been* through all that. To give up *now*, it's just...."
"It's not fair." Sami put her hand tentatively on her sister's knee. "But it's the way it is Carrie. However much we hate it. I think that all we can do for now is just be there for Mom. And John," she shook her head, tears filling her blue eyes, "'cos he's gotta be hurting too."

Carrie looked at Sami with a touch of surprise. She really had changed so much. And Carrie felt oddly protective of her. She took Sami's hand gently in hers and brushed a tear from her little sister's cheek.
"He must be Sam. But you know what? I think he's a really lucky guy. Because he has us to care that he is hurting." Impulsively she reached over and pulled Sami into her arms. "And we all know, there's nothing more important than family."

******

"John, I don't know what you're talking about." The calm shake of Kristen's head belied the churning of her stomach and the adrenaline that was shooting through her. The intensity of John's angry glare made her blood feel like ice in her veins. This was something she hadn't anticipated.

John prolonged her agony as he walked to the window and poked his fingers between the slats of the venetian blinds, forcing them apart slightly so he could see outside. It had begun to snow again. Biting the inside of his cheek, he turned back to the bed and crossed his arms.
"I read Marlena's journal."
"I'm sorry?" Kristen squinted her eyes in order to see him against the light from the window and shook her head again.
"Doc's journal," John enunciated slowly. "The one she kept while your *old man* had her locked up in a damn cage in Paris. You know, when she thought she was never going to see her children or anyone she loved again. Surely you can't have forgotten *that*."
"Of course I haven't forgotten it." Kristen snapped anxiously. "How could I?"
"I don't really know Kristen." John walked slowly towards the bed. "But there seem to have been a lot of things that you have forgotten to tell *me*."

"Look John, if you have something to say, just say it." Kristen suddenly felt terribly drained and she lay back on her pillows. "I just don't understand what all this has to do with me."
"How could you *not* understand?" John demanded angrily. "After the part you played in Marlena's kidnapping you can't have thought she wouldn't have written it all down. I've read it *all* Kristen. Everything you have done to keep Marlena from me. No-one told me. You had that nicely wrapped up didn't you? As long as you were pregnant with my child, no-one could. But no-one had to." His face was white and his hands were shaking. Kristen suddenly felt very frightened. She had totally forgotten about that damn journal and she had no contingency plans to deal with this. She was going to have to play it by ear and hope that she could salvage something from this ghastly situation. She knew only one thing. She wasn't about to give up now.

"John honey, I have no idea what you're talking about." Kristen opened her eyes wide in feigned innocence. "I don't know what Marlena wrote in this diary that you are talking about. Whatever it is, I..." she shook her head, "...I just don't understand why you are so angry with me."
"*Don't* call me honey." John snarled. "And stop lying. It doesn't wash with me any more. You know *exactly* what I am talking about."

Kristen's astounded silence spurred John on.
"It was *you* who gave Stefano the number of the plane that Doc was on. Not only her but your own *mother*. You were willing to risk her safety to get Marlena out of your life. Out of *my* life, forever." He shook his head, his distaste for her clearly expressed in the grimace he wore on his face. "And then, after doing everything you could to talk me out of going to Paris, you followed me there, putting the life of our child in danger and did everything you could to stop me from finding her. You didn't care that your actions left Belle without a mother. You just did what you had to, to hold onto me."

Kristen swallowed hard. She wanted to protest that she never wanted to hurt Marlena, to leave Belle without a mother, but she couldn't admit the truth to John. That would signal the end of everything she had worked so long and so hard for. She had come this far, she would ride this through too and eventually she would win John back. Her resolve strengthened as she looked at John, crocodile tears in her eyes.

"John, it's all lies. You know I *never* would have helped Stefano. I might have felt threatened by Marlena at one time, yes, but I never would have put her life, or my mother's at risk like that."
"It's taken a long time," John shook his head, "but I can finally tell the difference between your truth and your lies Kristen. You're the only one who *could* have told Stefano the number of the plane. You were the only other one who *knew* it. I was just too clueless to see it till now." His upper lip twitched with a barely concealed sneer. "What I want to know is *why*? Why Kristen? Did you think in your twisted mind that when I eventually found out the truth that I would stay with you out of *duty*? You may be pregnant with my child but that doesn't shackle me to you."

Kristen was breathless with panic. He really did believe what Marlena had written. She couldn't see a way out of this one, but she would fight like a wildcat before she admitted any of it. She produced a new flood of tears and sat up in the bed, stretching her hands out to John.
"Why are you doing this to me John? I love you. I'd never do anything like that. I don't know why Marlena wrote those lies. They are lies John. I had no idea she hated me so much."
"*Stop* lying Kristen!" John roared.
"I'm *not* lying John." The tears streamed down her red face and mingled with the mucus that dripped from her nose. "I never did anything to hurt Marlena. I swear it on my baby's life."

John froze, the nausea swelling in his gut.
"How *could* you!" His tone was accusing and Kristen shrank back before him. "Don't you dare try to use that child again. You are despicable. Anything that we ever had, it's over. It was only ever based on lies and falseness anyway. It ended when I realized what sort of person you really are."
"But what *about* our baby John?" Kristen ventured nervously, a tear dripping off her nose. John clenched his teeth together, trying to maintain his relative cool.
"You counted on that didn't you?" he questioned coldly. Kristen merely looked at him, her bottom lip trembling. "I will support the child. It will be part of my life, I have no intention of giving that up. But you will not *use* the child to force me to stay with you. I already have a family and although my behaviour towards them has been inexcusable while I have been with you I intend to make it up to them and spend the rest of my life making it up to them. And I could care less if that doesn't fit in with you *plans*."

Kristen was really crying now. It seemed as if her plans, her world was falling down around her. John couldn't leave her, he just *couldn't*. What would she do? What *could* she do? There *had* to be something. She choked convulsively and then looked up at him from under swollen red eyelids.
"John. Please, don't do this. Don't throw away everything we have." She pressed her lips together, fighting to maintin her composure though her jaw trembled uncontrollably. "I love you. And we are having a baby together. I never did anything to harm Marlena or you. I don't know why you believe these lies but...." a cough strangled the rest of her sentence. She shook her head pathetically. "Please don't leave me John. I need you. Our baby needs you."

John watched her, his emotions running out of control. The sight of her made him feel physically ill. He wondered how he could ever have convinced himself that he had loved *this*. This wretched excuse for a human being. Still, her pitiful pleas moved something within him, the part of him that had once cared for Kristen Blake. The Kristen Blake he had invented in his mind.

That small impression, the unexpected emotion splintered the armour of anger he had built around himself and his eyes filled with tears again.
"Why Kristen? I just don't understand how you could have done it." He shook his head, unable to comprehend how utterly blind he had been to the truth of the world around him. "You knew I loved Doc. You knew she loved me. How on earth can you wake up and *look* at yourself in the mirror each morning?" His voice lowered to barely a whisper. "Don't you have any self-respect?"

Kristen was too exhausted to answer. Nothing she could say would convince him that she was telling the truth anyway. She just had to watch him walk out that door and then figure out a way of making him come back to her. And he would. She knew that, as sure as night follows day, he would. If she had anything to do with it. John read the defiance in her eyes and straightened his back.
"You're not going to win this one Kristen."

His words were lost in Kristen's groan as the now-familiar cramping feeling gripped her abdomen. She had been waiting for it, but she was damned if she was going to lose this child. It was the only avenue, the only possibility of holding onto John that she could discern and she was going to protect it with all the strength she had left.

John was about to warn her not to try it on when the second gasp came. It was far more persuasive than the first and the pain in her eyes convinced him that this wasn't a ploy. Kristen folded her arms around her stomach and shrieked as another wave of pain hit her belly. She felt as if her insides were on fire and she wasn't sure that she could escape it this time.

John ran to the door and called for the doctor and then stood back helplessly as he watched Kristen rock too and fro in the bed. The pain was unbearable this time and Kristen screamed in agony as each cramp twisted the knife further into her. She gave a final tortured howl when she felt the warm stickiness seeping between her legs.

By the time Mike Horton arrived it was already too late.