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Livin' La Vida Sofa

(NB: This chapter is edited for NC-17 content. If you wish to read the unedited chapter, please click here.)

"Well it might be impossible," Dr. Robbins fingered the file on the edge of the trolley, his mind obviously working overtime, "But that's how it is."
"But I *know* when the baby was conceived," Marlena insisted. "I know the night."
"I'm not saying that you're wrong Marlena," he rushed to soothe her anxiety as he perched himself on the edge of the bed. "In fact I know you are right. It's all here in your notes. From your first exam, ultrasound and bloodwork. Everything adds up to six months ago. Except for this scan."
"Is there a possibility the machine is faulty?" John's deep throaty voice roused both the doctor and Marlena from their introspection. "I mean look at Marlena, Doctor. I know she doesn't show much, but she barely looks five months let alone over seven months pregnant."

"No there's no possibility," David shook his head. "The machines are checked and calibrated regularly. And the reason Marlena visually looks small is because the baby is sitting a long way back." He gave her a small smile, "I don't know how you manage to squash the little tyke in there but you do."

"I was small with my previous pregnancies," she said simply, still trying to twist her mind around the unreality that he was suggesting.
"Well, that aside," he crossed one ankle over his leg, "it appears that since we did the last scan at," he consulted his notes, "twenty-two weeks, this baby has put on a growth spurt that would probably make the Guinness Book."
"That's twice as fast as he should have grown," Marlena said thoughtfully.
"Mmmm-hmmmm," David nodded. "And if it continues to grow at this rate, you'd better be prepared to deliver a lot sooner than you expected to."

"Sooner?" John looked at the doctor and then at Marlena.
"Well yeah," Marlena's golden eyes gleamed as she looked up at him. "It's a possibility."
"How can you be so calm about this Doc?" John exploded, "I mean is there a possibility that something is *wrong* with the baby?" He directed the question at the doctor and David Robbins caught the flash of intensity in his dark cobalt eyes

"No," he shook his head. "The bloods I took from Marlena when she came to see me the other day indicate that the baby is fine and perfectly healthy and normal. So does the scan, apart from the fact that the fetus is larger than expected."
"So what's caused this then?" John asked, feeling the frustration creep up on him, the heat rising irritably up his neck.
"To be honest," the doctor said candidly, "I have no idea. I'll run over the bloodwork again, but I really don't think that I am going to be able to come up with an explanation for this one." He looked at Marlena with sincere eyes. "I'm sorry."

"You'll let us know if you come up with anything won't you?" she asked quietly.
"Of course I will," he nodded kindly. "And I want you to come and see me weekly from now on so we can keep a close eye on what's going on, all right?"
"Okay," she nodded readily. She wasn't about to risk the health of her child. She'd do all it took to make sure it was safe.

"I think I'm destined to never carry a child to term," Marlena joked weakly once they were back in the car. "How odd that Kristen is overdue and I may deliver early."
"What did you say?" John blinked as her words rang in his ears.
"I said that Kristen is overdue and-"
"Kristen's baby is small for it's gestation date and yours is large," John looked at her, relief suddenly wreathing his face. "Do you see what that means Doc?"
"No," she shook her head, a confused frown on her lips. "What *are* you talking about."
"About the twins," John grinned. "Kristen lost one of the twins. I think that *this* baby is the twin to the one she is carrying...."
"....so because we're due at different dates, the babies are growing at different rates," Marlena finished for him, but the amazement on her face indicated that she wasn't quite sure that she believed it. "That's *way* too weird John."

"Aw c'mon Doc, what else about this has been normal?" John asked her with a grin. "Everything from start to finish has been weird. Why should this be any different? And what other reason could explain all the facts?"

"Well...." Marlena paused as she considered his words. He was of course right. Nothing about this whole situation, from start to finish, had been normal. Why was it so hard to accept this possibility? "I suppose you could be right," she shrugged. "And at least it would mean that there was nothing wrong with either of the babies," she brightened visibly at that concept.
"Exactly," John felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. It explained the slow growth of the babe that Kristen was carrying as well as the fact that she was overdue by a week now. But that thought was immediately followed by another realization, one that Marlena voiced for him.

"But if that's the case and I'm going to give birth earlier, then Kristen could very well give birth a lot later than we expected." Her shoulders slumped as she looked across to where John sat, his hands slackening on the wheel of the Jeep. "We might be apart for weeks yet."


******


"Well hi Samantha," Lucie slung her arm around the your woman's shoulders. "Who's your friend?" She eyed Mike Horton up with critical eyes before deciding she liked what she saw.
"Uh, Lucie, this is Dr. Mike Horton." Sami made the introduction a little uncomfortably. She knew Lucie from when she and Carrie were friendly but somehow the girl always made her feel like a kid again. "Mike, this is Belle and Brady's nanny, Lucie Vanderbilt."
"Nice to meet you," Mike's voice was characteristically soft as he held out his hand to shake Lucie's.
"Pleasure is mine," Lucie flirted as her emerald eyes sparkled.

"Why don't you join us?" Mike indicated the tall stool next to him. "I was just going to get another coffee. Do either of you ladies want anything?"
"No thanks," Sami shook her head and stirred the ice in her coke with her straw. "I'm fine with this."
"Oh, I'd love a sweet tea please," Lucie dropped her bag next to the stool, "I'm just dying for a drink, you're such a sweetheart."
"No problem," Mike blushed slightly as he slipped off his stool and made his way to the window to order the drinks."
"What a honey," Lucie stared after him admiringly, her eyes drifting downward, "and what a *cute* butt!" She turned to Sami with dancing eyes. "Is he taken?"

"Uh," Sami blinked, surprised by Lucie's straightforwardness, "not that I know of. I guess."
"Good," Lucie's gaze became slightly predatory as she turned back to look at Mike. "Because I think I'd like to teach that young doc some new tricks."


******


"Doc, I just want to call the loft and make sure Kristen is okay. Do you mind?" John asked gently. Marlena could feel his voice rumbling low in his chest where her head lay rested against him. His arms were around her as they lay together on the sofa and one hand rested gently on her swelling stomach.

"Of course I don't mind," Marlena knew it was a lie even as she said it. She did mind, she minded very much every time she was reminded of that woman and everything she stood for, not least the power that she unknowingly held over them.

It was irrational, she knew. John was here with her, holding her in his arms. He wanted her, wanted the rest of his life to be shared with her. But still she felt this spasm of insecurity every time she thought of Kristen and the past.

"I won't be long," John reached for the portable phone, which lay on the table.
"I think I'll go and get a drink," Marlena murmured, disengaging herself from John's arms and pushing herself away from him.

Ignoring the nagging backache that was spreading across her lower back, she made her way to the archway, waiting unconsciously for John's voice. It wasn't that she wanted to hear him talking to Kristen. In face she could imagine nothing worse. She had already experienced enough of that to last her a lifetime. It was just that..... well, she didn't really know what it was. Just a vague knowledge that it bothered her and she didn't know how to handle those feelings. And so she found herself trapped, impaled like a butterfly on a pin, as she tried to work through the inner struggle that tormented her.

"Hi Maya, it's John here," Marlena found herself lingering at the archway as his voice filled the room behind her. "Yeah, how is she? She called work? Yeah, Nicki's good like that." He laughed. "I think she likes Kristen about as much as you do. Mmmmmm. Sorry 'bout that."

Marlena looked longingly at the kitchen door, wanting desperately remove herself from earshot, but something in her, some uncertainty held her back, made her listen as he talked.

"Hi baby, how are you feeling?" His voice was soft as Marlena slipped around the corner of the archway and leant against the wall, trying to catch her breath as the panic suddenly swamped her. It was stupid she knew, it was the hormones making her feel this way. But what Kristen represented was loss and destruction.

Marlena knew in her head that after everything that had happened it was illogical. But the bottom line was the Kristen was a DiMera and the DiMera's didn't stop until they got what they wanted. And Kristen wanted John. And she would stop at nothing to get him back once she knew she had lost him.

"Well you know I can't be disturbed in meetings... Yes it's important, I wouldn't be there otherwise, would I?" He sighed and she could imagine how he was stroking his eyebrow, something he did out of habit. "Of course I love you sweetheart. How many times have we been through this? I just have so much to catch up on."

Marlena pressed her hands against the wall as she tried to regain her balance. He doesn't mean it. He's only saying it so she won't be suspicious. He loves you. *Then why is he acting so strangely?* Don't doubt him now Marlena. After everything you have been through to find your way back to each other, you can't doubt his love for you. *I don't, it's just......it still hurts....*

"I'll try and get home as early as I can baby, I have to do this business dinner this evening. No I'd rather be at home with you, of course I would. Well if that happens then Maya will call me and I'll meet you at the hospital. Why do you think it might?"

He paused for a moment and Marlena closed her eyes tightly. He sounded so believable. Would she believe him if she was Kristen? Surely she knew him better than Kristen did, surely she would be able to gauge his sincerity a little more accurately. And the simple fact was that he would never lie to her would he? Surely....

"Sounds like Braxton-Hicks to me baby. And Maya is a nurse so you know you can trust her. Yes I *know* you want me home Kristen but I can't get away." He was starting to sound a little edgy and frustrated. "Yes I promise I will. Yes baby. You too." There was another pause and he sighed. "Yes I love you baby."

Marlena felt nauseous as she dashed for the kitchen, finally unable to torture herself any longer. Her hands splayed against the cool surface of the bench, she fought for breath as the baby squirmed within her.

Dammit! You're not supposed to still feel like this. This pain was supposed to go away.

She felt as though she was going crazy. She should be happy now. She and John should be having the most wonderful time together; enjoying the time they had with each other. But instead fate seemed to keep intervening, throwing one thing after another at them. And they were not only fighting fate, they seemed to be helping it on it's miserable way, becoming more and more distant from each other as they tried harder and harder to deny it.

John had apologized, she had torn him apart and then he had apologized again. And she still couldn't let it go, couldn't surrender the fear and the pain and the jealousy that Kristen DiMera evoked. Most of the time she tried successfully to ignore the existence of the woman, the important place she still held in their lives, a place that somehow put her between John and Marlena, however much they tried to deny it.

Marlena groaned as she straightened up, feeling a tiny foot shoot straight into her liver as the baby tried to stretch it's increasingly cramped limbs. Spinning around slowly, she leaned against the refrigerator, the white metal cool against her bare arms. Gosh she just wished she could stop thinking like this, stop feeling this way. She couldn't stand this any more, the jealousy, the uncertainty. It was wrong, she had no cause to feel this way, but still the feelings haunted her.

"Hey baby," John stood in the doorway, "I thought you were getting a drink?"
"I was," she whispered, her voice swallowed up in the space between them.
"Are you okay Doc?" he crossed the room in three strides, gathering her in his arms. "Do you feel okay? You're awfully pale."
"I'm fine," Her voice was hoarse as she pressed her face against his warm t-shirt and closed her eyes, breathing in the scent of him. She felt his arms tighten around her and she felt like crying.

I'm fine...... Nothing's wrong......

Lies. Lies she had heard and lies she was repeating.

Recognition and remorse echoed unkindly inside her mind.

"Are you sure sweetheart?" John asked gently as he stroked her hair, feeling her subtle struggle of emotions in his arms. He knew her almost too well and recognized far too well the play of feelings that her reaction indicated.
"Sure," she lied, her voice muffled in the soft cotton of his t-shirt.

She was too exhausted emotionally to approach this with him. She just didn't want to think about it any more. She wanted him to hold her and kiss her and.....

Looking up at him with wide amber eyes fringed with dark lashes, she moistened her lips seductively.
"I want you to make love to me."


******


"I have to go and pick up Will from the Pub," Sami said suddenly, interrupting Mike and Lucie from their discussion.
"Oh, can I come with you?" Lucie asked suddenly. "I've missed those little kiddies something dreadful."
"Sure," Sami agreed, hiding her simmering resentment from Carrie's friend.

She had been so pleased when she had bumped into Mike this afternoon and he had suggested they have a drink. She felt so comfortable with him, he was so easy to talk to and she was enjoying their conversation about children. While Robin had been killed in the bomb blast in Israel, Jeremy had been found several hours later, being tended to in a nearby house. He had come home to stay with his father shortly afterwards and Mike was struggling with the vagaries of being a single parent, something Sami had much experience with. And despite the age difference between them, Mike treated her like an equal, asking her opinion and giving value to it, a respect that people so rarely gave to her. But then Lucie had interrupted and now, after monopolizing Mike's attention, she wanted to tag along with Sami.

"Perhaps you'd like to come along and we could grab some dinner later?" Lucie asked suggestively.
"That sounds nice, thanks," Mike smiled at the young blonde. She was quite intriguing, fascinating even, and he could hardly keep his eyes off her. Dinner sounded good and getting to know more about young Lucie Vanderbilt sounded even better.


******


"What did you say?" John asked, pulling back from Marlena a little.
"I said I want you to make love to me," her voice was thick with passion as she gazed up at him and her golden eyes ensnared him like a fly in honey.
"I..." he wasn't sure what to say. He knew why she did this; it was a tactic she used when she didn't want to discuss what was bothering her. But at the same time, he was wary about pushing her too much, causing her too much stress. Perhaps this was the kind of affirmation and reassurance they both needed

"What can I do to persuade you?" she murmured as she determinedly wound her arms around his neck. "Let's see," she hummed, her breath hot against the skin of his neck. "How about....this?" John groaned as he felt her tongue graze his neck. "Hmmm, do like that baby?" she whispered sensually as she drifted her lips up the side of his neck. "What about this?" She slid her wet tongue around his earlobe in an extremely erotic gesture as her hand slid down over his waist and over his hard buttock.
"Oh Doc," he gasped, almost painfully, as she lifted her eyes to his and gazed at him from below heavy lids.
"Hmmmm?" She wanted him badly now and she wasn't about to take no for an answer. She'd make sure of that if she had to.
"Doc, don't you think we...."
"Shhhhh" she touched her finger to his lips. "I don't want to hear any arguments from you. We have this place to ourselves, let's make the most of it."

He said nothing for a moment, simply looked at her. She was beautiful, as always, but there was something indefinable about her now, some sense of desperation and determination that made her utterly irresistible.

Her blonde hair curled around her face, framing reddened cheeks and scarlet lips. Her hazel eyes burned gold and copper as she breathed deeply, her chest rising and falling beneath the soft linen.

Reaching up a little she whispered warm, moist lips over his.
"I love you," she said in a throaty voice. "Let me show you how much." She didn't give him a chance to answer as her fingers negotiated their way around the stiff denim of his jeans and between them.

Gracefully, she moved so that she was behind him, her arm still hooked ever his shoulder and across his chest. Rubbing him gently, she could feel him hardening beneath her fingers and the ragged breathing that came from him told her that his willpower was weakening. She flicked her tongue against his earlobe again before sucking it gently into her mouth and swirling her tongue hotly around it.

"So what do you say?" her voice was hardly audible but with her mouth pressed against his ear, John could almost sense the words through the fog of lust that her actions were producing.

"Oh Marlena," he was panting, hardly able to get the words out, but still her fingers were insistent and merciless.
"Is that a yes?" a sexy grin slipped onto her face. She knew what she was doing to him and part of her got a real kick out of playing him so easily.
"Oh God, *yes*!" The words exploded from him as he grabbed her wrist and twisted around, catching the other wrist. Pushing her backwards against the refrigerator, he pinned her arms above her and bent to crush her lips with his mouth.

His tongue was hard and demanding as it entered her mouth, plundering, exploring with relish. Then Marlena was gasping for breath as he broke from her lips and bent his mouth to her neck. She moaned as his teeth dug almost savagely into the delicate skin and raked across it. He was teaching her a lesson, she knew but she didn't care. In fact she welcomed it. She wanted to know that she was his and only his, and that he was only hers. She wanted him to leave his mark on her as she intended to leave hers on him. She didn't care about any consequences but this moment. She wanted him, she wanted to possess him and to own him and she wanted him to know it.

Encompassing both her wrists with one strong hand, John dropped his free hand and began to massage her breasts as his mouth ravaged her throat, sucking on the soft, sweet flesh there, devouring as much of her as he could. He could feel the moaning as it vibrated deep in her throat and it encouraged him as he moved his thumb over the linen that covered a hardening nipple. God, he wanted her, wanted to take her now and hear her screaming his name. He wanted it, he needed it. Needed to banish the demons that tormented him. Maybe it wasn't the best reason for making love to her, but right now, he didn't really care.

"John," Marlena moaned as his mouth roamed over the area above her collarbones. "John, please...."
"What do you want baby?" he asked in an almost growl as his fingers ceased their relentless exploration.
"You," she panted, staring into bottomless indigo eyes, "I want you."
"What do you want me to do to you Marlena?" he demanded, making her aware that this was payback for teasing him. When she didn't answer, he moved his hand and stroked his fingers lightly up the inside of her thigh, sending rivers of lust pouring through her. "What do you want me to do?" he repeated the question, his face deadly serious as his eyes bored into her.
"Oh God," it came out almost as a sob, "I want you to make love to me. I need to feel you John.... *Please*...."

The answer was good enough for him and releasing one wrist and hooking his hand around the back of her neck, he pulled her to him, crushing her lips with a brutal kiss. Desperately, she clutched a handful of his hair and returned the kiss with equally hungry force.

But she had barely begun to taste him when John broke off the kiss and taking her by the wrist, pulled her into the living room. Deciding that she was losing too much control in this situation, Marlena resisted, stopping as they neared the couch and pulling John to her. With warm fingers, she pulled the hem of his t-shirt out from his jeans and moved her hands up and under the green cotton.

The muscles in John's abdomen tensed as he felt her fingers negotiating the sensitive skin, creeping up over his stomach to coil in the dark hair. Fingers, deft and sure brushed against firm nipples as her mouth found his neck and he groaned with need. He needed to touch her, to taste her. To hear her.

In a single movement, he stripped himself of his shirt and gripping her wrists in iron fingers he bent his head to kiss her. She surrendered herself to his demanding exploration as he pulled her with him to the sofa and somehow they ended up together on the sofa. Drawing her legs up so that she was lying on her back looking up at John, Marlena caught her breath. His eyes were burning with lust and need and his expression reminded her of one so many years ago......

Straddling her hips with denim clad thighs, John bent his head to hers, nipping her lower lip savagely with his teeth. The pain sent threads of lust through her and she cried out in distress and excitement.

Moving his lips down to her throat and trailing them over her chest, John fought to contain the anguish he felt. The noises she was making were enough to invoke the demons, the memories that haunted him and he resented the fact that Q could come between them even at a time like this. Hated the fact that that man had touched this beautiful, perfect skin, had heard this voice cry his name. Hated the fact that someone else had brought Marlena pleasure, had made her cry out in ecstasy. And how she had cried out. Her voice still echoed in his ears and he couldn't banish it. Except maybe if he could replace it with her voice calling *his* name.... then maybe......

Yeah Johnny you remember how she sounded don't you? How she enjoyed it. You can still here her whimpering his name over and over in your nightmares.... The little devil laughed gleefully and John pressed his eyes tightly closed, trying to block out the thoughts that invaded his head. He didn't have to give in to this, he could block it out, forget it, ignore it. He wouldn't let this, he wouldn't let *him* win again.

"John," Marlena whimpered as John's mouth slackened against her skin. She had felt his body tense against hers, a feeling that was becoming all too familiar. She didn't think she could bear it if he pulled away from her now, if he let the gulf between them widen. She needed to feel him, needed to move against him, needed to know that he needed her.

Hearing the plea in her voice moved John to action. She wanted him and he couldn't let Eugene Bradford destroy this too. He was damned if he would lose her again. He was going to make her forget Eugene Bradford existed. He would erase the memory of the man's touch, of the pleasure he brought. Skin against skin. He would be the only one she remembered. The only one she wanted. Would ever want. He would burn his imprint on her soul and obliterate all past remembrances. She was his. She always had been and she always would be.

Maybe this was about proving to Marlena that she had made the right decision, that no one could make her happier than he could. Or maybe it was about proving it to himself. Either way, it didn't matter. She needed him and he wasn't going to let her down again.....




Shattered Hopes....

"Damn him!" Kristen stomped on the picture of John and Marlena with Belle, grinding her heel mercilessly into the child's angelic face. "*Damn* him!" Swiping the picture off the hardwood floor, she screwed it up between scrawny fingers, vicious rage lending to the pleasure that she felt in seeing Marlena's face crumpled and torn.

"How *dare* you try and take him from me," she spat at the picture. " I won't *let* you. I won't let you get your hands on him you *bitch*!" She screwed the photograph into a ball and hurled across the room with all the venom she could muster. "I won't let it happen. I won't let him leave me!"

Her shrieking seemed to increase an octave as she worked herself up and a beautiful glass vase sailed across the room after the picture, shattering into jagged shards on contact with the exposed brickwork of the wall.

"Damn you John," her sobbing punctured the silence and it was joined by discordant tinkling as a fragment of broken glass teetered off the screwed up wad of photographic garbage. She hated him. Hated them all. All the smug, smiling do-gooders that made your business their business. All their sympathetic, *pathetic* glances when they thought she wasn't looking. All their pitiable lies.

Now even Peter was lying to her. She knew it. She could feel deep in her gut, in the blood that ran frigid through her veins, that John was with Marlena. That he was lying through his teeth every time he denied it. Every time he fed her some bullshit about going to another business meeting.

She could smell the deception in the air, from John, Maya, Nicole and Peter. From everyone. And she hated them all. But most of all, she hated Marlena.

*Bitch*. Thieving whoring *slut*.

"Think you're going to take John do you?" her lips curled into an ugly scowl. "You think you can just take what doesn't belong to you? Well I've got news for you Dr. Saint Marlena Evans."

She looked up at the bureau where there was another picture of Belle and Marlena set among mementoes of a life before Kristen.
"Well you *can't*!" Wrathfully, she reached around and tore the cord to a lamp from the socket in the wall. Turning and yanking the lamp from the bed stand, she stomped over to the bureau and with a violent sweep of the lamp; she demolished both the lampshade and bulb, and the knick-knacks of the top of the bureau.

Hardly aware of the havoc around her, Kristen continued.
"I won't let you have him you bitch." The picture lay face up on the floor, Marlena and her daughter smiling virtuously from behind cracked glass. With both hands around the base of the lamp stand, Kristen brought the jagged bulb down against the glass, splintering it further. "I won't, I *won't*! You bitch, you *bitch*!!" She brought the lamp down against the picture over and over again, fracturing the frame and scoring the picture underneath shattered glass until it was barely recognizable.

"Kristen!" Maya's voice came from outside the locked door of the bedroom that Kristen had shut herself in and it was beginning to take on an edge of anxiety. But Kristen didn't hear her. She was enjoying herself too much. "Kristen, let me in. For God's sake, let me *in*!" She pounded on the door frantically. With all the screaming and smashing glass and goodness know what else that was going on in there, Maya knew that there was a real danger Kristen could hurt herself. And that was precisely what she had been employed to stop happening.

She hadn't even seen it coming. Kristen had ended her call with John and calmly said she was going upstairs to take a shower. It wasn't until Maya had heard the ranting and the shattering of glass that she had realized what was happening. And now the door was locked and she had no way of getting in there to find out what was going on.

Finishing her demolition job with the lamp, Kristen straightened up, her stomach gripping with the physical and emotional effort of the psychosis she was experiencing. She was so lost within her rage, her lunacy, that she was barely aware of the reality around her or the consequences of her behavior. All she knew was that she hated. *Hated* with a passion. Hated so much that she was consumed with the hatred. With thoughts of revenge.

With blackness.


******


"Mmmmm," John kissed her softly scented hair. "Have I ever told you how wonderful you smell?"
"Not recently," she smiled faintly as she lay in his arms.
"Well consider yourself told." He pulled the throw further over Marlena, making sure she was covered. "You smell like...," he trailed a gentle finger over her jaw, "cream and roses and champagne. Hmmm," he cocked an eyebrow, "and true love."
"You're such a smooth talker," she laughed lightly, exhausted, but just content to be here in his arms. She drew searching fingers over the muscles of his chest, the dark hair coarsely familiar beneath her touch.

She loved to see the way he responded to her, the way his muscles twitched under her fingers. The way his breathing became harsher even when she could barely feel him. Moving, she pressed her cheek against his warm arm, her lips murmuring over his shoulder.
"I love you," she whispered.
"I love you Marlena," he breathed against her silky skin before sliding his lips down to hers.

"Hey!" he grinned as he pulled back from her, his blue eyes twinkling. "That little fellow is mighty active down there." He burrowed his hand under the throw and caressed the taut skin that protected the tiny life tussling beneath it.
"Do you think we disturbed him?" Marlena's cheeks were flushed and she looked much more relaxed and happy than she had a few hours earlier.
"Do you think we did?" John suddenly looked worried. "You don't think we could have hurt the baby do you?"
"Of course not silly," Marlena lifted her hand to smooth the hair away from his temples in the most loving of gestures. "He's just fine."

His eyes were the colour of a summer sky as he looked at her. His hair was still dark although lightening at the temples now. But to Marlena that, along with the creases that lined his face simply gave him character. They spoke of his history, a history that she shared. Their life, their love was in every fold, every smile line that graced his beautiful face. And she would never tire of looking at it.

"What?" he asked with a bemused smile.
"Oh, I was just thinking how much I love you," her fingers traced the path that her eyes had just explored and they arced gracefully down over his cheek, sweeping over his lips and his chin and tracing the outline of his adam's apple. Then her gaze flowed to his chest as her fingers traced small figure of eights in among the thick hair.

"You're amazing, you know that?" John shook his head. How could anyone help but love this woman? If he searched for a million years he could never find anyone that could come close to comparing to her. She was like an angel made real, a heart and soul so pure that he often wondered how it was that someone like him could deserve her. How could he have the right to love a creature like this? It seemed so wrong. With all the darkness that surrounded him, DiMera, the unknown past, and the stupid decisions he had made....

And still, here she was, lying in his arms. Loving him. Giving her heart to him. Making him whole again.

Whatever it was that he had done to deserve her he would be forever grateful. And he vowed silently never to fail her again. Because her love for him and his love for her was what brought decency to his life. *She* made him worthy of her and without her, he was nothing; he knew that with everything he was. He loved her with everything he had. And he would never stop loving her, even beyond life and into eternity.

"Amazing how?" she asked, her face a picture of serenity as she looked up at him.
"You just are," his voice trembled as he tightened his arms around her.
"Hey," concern weathered her face as she laid a tender hand against his cheek. "Why so serious?"
"I...." he shook his head, his eyes dark and glittering "sometimes you just take my breath away I love you so much. When I look at you I see my past and my future and I see everything I would ever want to be." He smiled self-deprecatingly. "I'm sounding stupid, but baby, it's how I feel. Or rather how you make me feel."
"It doesn't sound at all stupid," she said quietly. "In fact I think it sounds like one of the sweetest things you've ever said to me."
"Well you are the sweetest thing that ever *happened* to me," he murmured into her hair. "You and our babies."
"Mmmmmm," she covered his hand, still warm against her stomach, where the baby had now settled. "Our babies. Do you think Belle and Brady will like having new brothers or sisters?"
"I think they couldn't help but love them- "

He was interrupted as he spoke by the shrill ring of his cell phone, which was still in the pocket of his jeans. "I'd better get that." He was apologetic as he scrambled off the sofa before dragging the jeans back and digging the phone from the crumpled denim.

"Black here."
"John, it's Maya. Listen, you'd better get back here. Kristen has locked herself in your bedroom and she's gone absolutely berserk." The nurse stopped to catch her breath and John could hear vague noises in the background. Marlena's frown grew as she watched his eyes widen. "I don't know what she's done in there but there's been screaming and smashing glass and God knows what else." The young woman sounded desperate and John's heart lurched.
"How long has she been in there?"
"About twenty minutes. I've been trying to get her to come out, but I don't even think she can hear me she's so beside herself."
"All right, just keep trying to talk to her and calm her down and I'll get there as soon as I can okay?" He ran his fingers through his hair barely noticing that Marlena had pushed herself upright, holding the throw against her with crossed arms.
"Just hurry will you. I think she might listen to you." Maya winced as she heard another breakage behind the door.
"I'll be right there."

John snapped the phone shut and looked at Marlena. "I'm sorry baby. You know I wouldn't leave you now unless it was really important."
"I want to come with you," Marlena said defiantly.
"Oh no," he shook his head. "Uh-uh, no way."
"It's my baby *too* John." Marlena's lips were set in a stubborn line. "If there's a chance that it might be in danger..."
"What could you do?" John shrugged. "If I thought you could help Doc, I'd want you there. But baby, you know how she feels about you. Having you there will only make matters worse. From what Maya said, she's very upset. I don't even know what she's capable of in that frame of mind." He shook his head again and cupped her cheek with his hand. "If there's even any chance that you might be hurt, that this baby you carry might be hurt, then I can't take that risk." She looked for a moment as if she might argue and he pulled her close.

"Doc please, just trust me here okay?" he kissed her forehead gently. "Kristen raises your blood pressure at the best of times. And you'd better believe that this is not one of those best times. Just leave it to me okay?"
"Okay," Marlena sighed, inclining her head in an almost indiscernible nod. "Just *please* call me as soon as it's all settled down will you?"
"Of course I will baby," he drew his thumb across one blushing cheek. "Just remember how much I love you until I talk to you again."
"I'll always remember," she whispered before he kissed her softly.

Watching him pull on his boxers, followed by his jeans and t-shirt, she pulled the throw more tightly around her. But it couldn't ward off the chill that settled as she watched him pick up his keys.
"I'll call you as soon as I can Doc," he leaned over and caught her lips in a tender kiss. "Love you baby."
"I love you," she whispered as she watched him leave, pulling the door closed behind him.

And then she was alone, once more.

A slight breeze lifted the corner of a gossamer curtain as she looked vacantly at the open terrace door.

Please let this be over soon. Please let us just have peace for once.

The exhaustion that had temporarily fled her in John's arms now returned full-force. Settling back against the pillows, she closed her eyes.

Please.....


******


John closed his eyes and leaned back against the cold strips of metal that surrounded the elevator. The anxiety that had consumed him on the way over was abating a little, now that he was within reach of the loft. He had phoned Maya again on the way over and she had told him that she had heard Kristen screaming Marlena's name in her rage.

Given that, John could take a good stab as to what was going on. Because when jealousy hit, it hit hard and fast, and if she suspected something was going on, God forbid, Kristen wouldn't be averse to taking it out on something. Or someone.

He heaved a sigh of frustration. There it was again. That word. Jealousy. The word, the emotion that he was becoming too familiar with. Now he wasn't simply feeling it. Now it was starting to consume him. The moment he dropped his guard, in a lull of activity or consideration, he found his thoughts drifting once again to the visions, the memories that tormented him. And he just couldn't seem to stop it happening. In fact it was becoming more and more frequent.

Like this afternoon.

It had felt so wonderful to hold her in his arms. Seemed so *right* to make love to her. But underlying that emotion was the knowledge that it was there again...... slithering in when John least expected it.

He hadn't meant it, hadn't wanted the jealousy to consume him again. Hadn't wanted to think of Eugene while he was making love to Marlena. That was the very *last* thing he wanted.

He kept trying to ignore the jealousy, kept expecting it to ease into a sullen ache that he could eventually dismiss. But instead, the flame kept igniting every time he was with her. As though it was being fuelled by her presence, as though just being with her fanned the flames until he was consumed with an inferno of jealousy and resentment.

And now when he was with her, when he was making love to her, suddenly he found himself wondering if she was thinking about *him*....... Was she comparing them, finding John wanting? Was she wondering if she had made the right choice?

The demon that now accompanied him constantly, piped up again merrily Did *he * give her more pleasure than you, Johnny-boy? Did you hear the same ecstasy in her voice.....?

He shook his head angrily, his eyes flying open. Dammit, he *knew* he shouldn't be thinking like this. He *knew* how much she loved him. There was no question in his mind. So why did he persist on torturing himself like this? Why did he keep on dwelling on what was in the past? It was only causing him pain and only coming between him and Marlena. Even their lovemaking this afternoon seemed somehow tainted with the knowledge that he had been trying to prove himself in some stupid contest that existed only in his mind.

He sighed as the elevator clunked to a halt. And now the day was ending with Kristen throwing a tantrum. That was all he needed, to deal with her and try and allay her fears. Fears that had only too solid a foundation. He wasn't sure that he had it in him to lie to her convincingly again. But did he really have any choice?


******


Marlena stared at the clouds and tried to empty her mind. The air was cooling and the clouds that dotted the cerulean sky looked as though some cosmic artist had smudged them with a wide-bristled brush.

She took a deep breath and bowed her head, her brow sinking into the heels of her palms. So tired...... But her mind wouldn't stop spinning. Form the moment John had left, it was one thought, another question, bombarding her one after the other. She could barely think straight any more and the loneliness was crippling her.

Sighing, she pushed herself up from the chair and wandered slowly indoors. She had pulled the crumpled linen dress back on after John had left, but maybe she though, she should take a shower and get changed. Maybe that would make her feel better. At the very least it was something to do.

Passing the photographs on the side-table, she drifted her fingers over the frame of one of John with the twins, taken when she had been gone. When she had been taken from her family, kept from the people she loved.
"All the time I lost...." she picked up the frame and stroked her thumb gently over the cool glass. It still hurt, when she let it. She had missed seeing the twins grow up, missed their first day of school, missed them losing their first tooth.... It wasn't *fair*. And she had lost John, had lost that blissful, heavenly love they shared. The heaven that they had created in their own little corner of the world.

Sighing, she hugged the picture to her and turned back to the empty room. God, she was tired of struggling, tired of waiting to be happy. So tired of being alone. And still, after all this time, if John was right, Stefano was still trying to tear her family apart. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough to fight him off again. Wasn't sure if she had the fortitude to keep herself together if he threatened her family again. Not in this state anyway.

A solitary tear slipped over ashen skin. She couldn't do this alone, couldn't make it through this by herself. She needed John and she needed him now.


******


"Kristen, sweetheart..." John almost gagged on the words as he forced them out. "C'mon, let me in, *please*."
"Go away," the hoarse whisper sounded as though it were right on the other side of the door. Which was a good thing, he supposed. At least it meant she wanted to listen to what he had to say.
"Baby, I left my business dinner to come home and be with you." He shook his head, rolling his eyes at the inanity of the lies. "At least you could let me in so we could talk."
"I don't have anything to say to you," she sounded exhausted and he looked at Maya. Shrugging, she leaned against the wall, rolling her head back tiredly. At least now the responsibility was out of her hands. And for that, she was only too grateful.

"Kristen, at least let Maya check you out and make sure your blood pressure isn't too high and that the baby is all right," he begged, bending down to crouch in front of the door.
"You don't care about me, you don't even give a shit about our baby." Kristen was weary. "We could have jumped off the roof and you wouldn't give a flying f*ck. You'd be too busy with your precious Marlena."

"That's not true Kristen," John's heart pounded at the thought of the bald-faced lies he was about to tell. He had to make them convincing but he wasn't sure how to. Because in his heart he couldn't deny his love for Marlena and he didn't want to. "If I didn't care I wouldn't be here would I? I don't know where this is coming from but I've been *working*."
"I'm not *stupid* John," her voice was caustic, even through the door. "You might think I am, but I know. I *know* that you've been with *her*." Her disgust was obvious.

"How do you know Kristen? I wish you'd tell me who's been telling you these lies because they're not true. Why on earth would I be sneaking around behind your back? I chose to be with *you* remember? I love *you*. Marlena is committed to Eugene. That's all there is to it." He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.
"No-one needed to tell me John. I know, I can *feel* it." He could hear the pain in her voice and he felt momentarily guilty. "All I ever wanted was for you to love me. I just wanted to have a family with you....." He could hear her sobbing on the other side of the door and his conscience twinged. He had loved her once. For what she had been he grieved and for what she had become he sent up a silent prayer for redemption.

"Sweetheart," his voice was soft as he held onto that memory of the love they had once shared, "let me in. Let's talk about this. I *do* love you. Let me hold you and let's just talk okay?"

There was silence for the longest moment and John became aware that he was holding his breath.
"Kristen?" His reply was a stifled sob and then finally, the grind of the key in the lock before it clicked open. It was only then that John had a chance to survey the damage.

Beyond Kristen's tearstained and exhausted face, the room was an absolute shambles. One window was broken and everything that had once been on a surface was now in smithereens on the floor. Including and especially his pictures and Marlena and the kids.

Oh shit......


******


Marlena pulled the robe around her and crossed her arms as she watched dusk settle over the city. A city with which she shared a history. Sometimes she wondered if that history was *too* entwined with the place that was Salem. With the people and the joys and the agonies.

Sighing, she pushed the damp hair back off her forehead with the palm of her hand and she turned back to the bedroom. She climbed onto her bed, reaching for the picture frame and lowering herself onto the all too inviting comforter, she rolled over onto her back and stared at it. My family.

They had been once. Five of them. Carrie, Sami, Eric, Roman and her. Except he wasn't Roman. It had been a lie, one she had wanted so badly to believe. But their life together hadn't been a lie. She had loved him more deeply than she had ever thought possible. It had been like living a dream, except somehow, the dream had turned into a nightmare. And she wasn't sure she had woken up yet.

"What am I going to do?" she asked plaintively as she stared at the ceiling. "Please, I need some help here. I need some guidance..." A cool gust of air flittered over the floor and crept up over the bed. Shivering, Marlena pulled the robe closer as she fought the sudden feeling of dread that permeated her.

She jumped nervously at the sound of the phone ringing and it took her a moment to work up the courage just to reach for the receiver.

"Hello?" her voice was tentative.
"Hi Doc? It's me," Roman's voice came strong and sure down the line.
"Roman, what's wrong?" she couldn't help blurting out the question.
"Wrong? Nothing's wrong Doc," Roman was a little confused. "I was just calling to see how you were."
"Oh," she fell back against the pillows, exhaling with relief. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" she could hear his suspicion through the earpiece and she smiled tiredly. "You don't sound it."
"I'm just tired," she brushed off his concern. "How's the case going? Do you have any further leads on who took Carrie?"
"Yeah, that's the other reason I called." Roman knew that Marlena was changing the subject, he knew her only too well. But he figured they could get this out of the way and then he could tackle her about what was bothering her.

"As a matter of fact, we've tracked down the car that she was picked up in and this afternoon we found the place we think she was held."
"You did?" Her face brightened and she pulled herself into a half-sitting position. "That's great news."
"Woah, don't get so excited Doc," his voice was flat as he looked at the report on his desk. Flipping a coin over it, he sighed. "We tracked it down from the mud on Carrie's bag. It was a hut in old industrial site upriver. But there was nothing there. The place was as clean as a whistle. No prints, no fibers, no nothing."

"Nothing at *all*?" Marlena whispered, a chill traveling through her.
"Well, *almost* nothing," Roman frowned. "There was a clump of cat hair sitting on the table. Fur from a long-haired Persian cat."
"Cat hair? That was it?" Marlena ran her fingers through her hair. "What on earth is that supposed to mean?"
"If I knew that, I wouldn't be sitting at this desk pulling my hair out Doc," Roman sighed. "It could mean absolutely nothing. But it's all we've got at the moment."

"It's not much is it?" she asked quietly.
"We'll find him Doc," Roman promised her quietly. "Whoever the bastard is that did this to her, I promise you, we'll find him."
"I hope so Roman," she could feel the tears welling in her eyes as she thought of Carrie lying in the hospital bed. And how it had felt to almost lose John. If he was right and it was Stefano, then he wouldn't stop at one failure. And the thought terrified her.




... and Battered Dreams

"So what's up with you anyway?" Having finished filling her in about the search for Carrie's abductor, Roman decided that it was time to switch the conversation back to it's previous track.
"Me?" Marlena blinked, her mind searching for the appropriate words as she switched the phone to her other ear. "Nothing's wrong that a good sleep won't fix."

"C'mon Doc, this is me you're talking to," his voice was gentle and smooth and part of her felt the remembered urge to curl up in his arms and forget the world existed. "I know you, and I know when there's something wrong." There was an empty pause as he waited for her response. When there was none forthcoming, he jogged her along. "Doc....."
"Oh I don't know," she rolled her head exhaustedly to the side and stared out the window again, watching the twilight fade into the sooty darkness of evening. "It's just..... well, nothing is *right*."

"How do you mean?" Roman was starting to worry about Marlena. Her voice sounded so flat and lifeless. And she sounded more lonely than he had heard her sound in a long, long time. And it wasn't even as though he could reach out and take her into his arms to smooth the pain away any more. He was simply her friend now and he couldn't do anything more for her than a friend would do. However much he might be tempted.

"Nothing's right." she repeated sadly. "Gene's angry at me, John seems to have a problem with Eugene but he refuses to talk to me about it....." She shook her head, her blonde hair leaving wet blotches on the pillows as she sank back against them. "I'm afraid I've made a real mess of things Roman and I don't know how to fix it."
"Maybe it's something you can't fix," he suggested. "Maybe it'll work itself out with time."
"I don't know," she sighed, "I wanted to think that.... but..."
"But what?"
"But....you really don't want to hear about my problems," she made the effort to lighten her tone. "How are things with you and Trudie?"

"Don't change the subject Marlena," his tone took on a stern edge and she knew she wasn't going to divert him that easily.
"Roman, I really don't know that talking about it is going to help," she closed her eyes and felt the beginning of a headache building behind them.
"What so you're going to sit there miserably alone and stew?" he asked her a little harshly. "You are alone I take it."
"Yes I am," she replied defensively. "Roman please, I really don't need you judging me on top of everything else."
"Oh I'm sorry Doc," he sighed. "I'm frustrated by the lack of progress around here. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

"I know I've made mistakes Roman," she looked over at Sami and Eric's smiling faces in the picture, "and some days I wish to God I could go back and change them. But just right at the moment I'm too tired to know how to fix this particular mess."
"I know Doc," he felt like a jerk. "Would you like me to come over and we can talk?"
"No," she shook her head, ignoring the glowering ache that was settling beneath her brow. "I think I'd rather be alone right now, if you don't mind. Maybe I can get some sleep."
"You sound like you need it," he felt awful. She was looking to him for some support and sympathy and it seemed that he had only made things worse for her.

"Doc, if I can give you a little bit of advice, for what it's worth...." he paused but she didn't refute him. "Talk to John. Ask him if he has a problem with Eugene. Honestly Doc, the guy is probably as jealous as all hell of Gene. After all, he's still living with you and John's not." He shrugged, knowing that she probably didn't want to hear it, but also knowing that it was the truth and someone needed to tell it to her. It may as well be him. He had experience in that area after all.

"It's a big blow to a man's ego, knowing that the woman he loves chose to sleep with someone else."
"Roman-" she felt the old, familiar guilt echo inside of her.
"It's okay Doc, I'm over it." He managed a smile. It was almost true after all. "But what I'm saying is that John probably isn't. And it's going to take a while. Especially with Gene around all the time."

"You think he will talk to me about it?" she asked tentatively, accepting his words without too much argument. Really, deep down, she had known anyway.
"You'll only find out if you try Doc," Roman told her gently.
"Yeah, I guess you're right," she stifled a yawn that came out of nowhere.

"Sounds like time for you to go and get some sleep," Roman prompted quietly. "If you do decide you want to talk, just call me and I'll come round okay?"
"Okay," Marlena agreed, aware that she had no intention of taking him up on his offer. "Thanks for calling Roman."
"No problem babe." A smile curved his lips. "Sleep tight."
"Night." She rang off with another yawn and dropped the portable on the bed next to her.

Sleep sounded so appealing right now.


******


John stood, his hands on his hips and surveyed the damage. Kristen was down in the living room with Mike who was taking her blood pressure. John had called him on the way to the apartment and the look that Mike had given him when he had arrived had left John in no doubt of what he thought of this whole situation.

It wasn't that he and Marlena had been indiscrete. Well not particularly. It seemed that Kristen had simply convinced herself that they were sneaking around behind her back and that was that. The fact that it happened to be true was almost neither here nor there. Almost.

But now he was faced with trying to persuade her that she was imagining things and trying to reassure her that he really was committed to her and did love her. And none of those things were true. If she didn't want to believe them, how on earth was he going to be convincing enough to change her mind?

He nudged at a pile of glass and wood with his toe and bent over to pull on the corner of a photograph. It was barely recognizable, just an eye and the edge of that beautiful smile that made his heart leap. Belle was completely obliterated and he felt the nausea rise in his throat. If Kristen was unbalanced enough to create this much havoc with mere suspicion, what might she resort to if her fears were proven to be true?

He didn't even want to consider that possibility.

"Kristen is asking to see you," Maya stood at the door, her ebony hair disheveled and her eyes wide with fatigue.
"What the hell am I going to say to her Maya?" John just couldn't pretend that he had this all under control. On top of the emotions that he was experiencing when he was with Marlena, this situation was spinning totally out of orbit and he felt lost and powerless to gain a footing that would give him a direction.
"I would say the truth.....but," she shrugged, "I don't know John. I just don't even know if she is going to listen to anything you say right now."
"I don't either," he admitted, "and it scaring the shit out of me."

"Rather you than me," she said softly as she followed him out of the room.


******


And I love you so
The people ask me how
How I've lived till now
I tell them I don't know

Marlena ran her finger lazily along the top of the stereo, collecting a layer of dust. Idly, she thought she really would have to have a word with the housekeeper. With a sigh, she turned back to the empty room.

It was dark and the moon had risen over the hills to the east, throwing an eerie silver glow across the city and into Marlena's living room.

With one hand on her heavy belly, she stepped up the riser to the windows. The lights over the city were sparkling in the viscous summer haze that had settled over the river valley.

I guess they understand
How lonely life has been
But life began again
The day you took my hand

The low sounds of a guitar and vocals filtered into the room. Crossing her arms, Marlena battled the loneliness that had left her feeling so wretched. Unable to sleep, she had lain in bed thinking of John until she ached with the need to hold him. And when it had become unbearable, she had slipped out of her bed and come downstairs.

But there was nothing more for her than had been upstairs. Just memories and questions and uncertainties. How had they made it to this point? Hadn't they learned anything from the past? Anything at all?

With a sigh, she leaned her forehead against the cool pane of glass.

And yes I know how lonely life can be
The shadows follow me
And the night won't set me free

Lonely.

This wasn't right, she shouldn't be feeling like this, shouldn't be feeling like her life was spinning out of control. This should be the happiest time of her life. She and John should be planning the redecoration of a nursery, going to lamaze class.... Dammit, she didn't want to be alone any more.

Tears spilt down her face as she opened her eyes to see her breath frosted against the glass in front of her. With a moan, she pushed herself away from the window and felt herself shivering as she made her way to the sofa.

Burying herself beneath the throw, she thought about Roman's advice and Sami's inquisition before that. "Doesn't he even have a slight problem with that?"

Continuing the running argument in her head, a judicious facet of her re-asked the question that she had been kicking around for days. If that's his problem, why won't he talk to you about it? It's not as if you haven't given him enough opportunity.

But this wasn't about rational thought. This wasn't about logic. It was about human emotions; jealousy and pain. And her query might well have an answer lodged in fear or some other emotion. She knew that as a professional, so she had better accept it as a human being or she was stepping into big trouble.

But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around me

Knowing that she no longer had any choice, her mind surrendered to the question and she let herself replay the last few weeks in her head. Every time Gene was there......every time you mentioned him in conversation with John...

When she and John had argued at the hospital about Stefano..... she had mentioned Gene... and he had turned and walked away from her. And in this room, earlier that day, she had been talking to Eugene when he had arrived. The sparks from his eyes had spoken of turmoil that she hadn't wanted to see, hadn't wanted to admit.

And you love me too
Your thoughts are just for me
You set my spirit free
I'm happy that you do

From somewhere deep inside her came a sepulchral groan. How on earth could she have been so *blind*? She was a psychiatrist for goodness sake. She was trained and paid to recognize these problems and deal with them. And she couldn't even see something that was in front of her nose?

After the insurgent jealousy that she had struggled with this afternoon when he had talked to Kristen on the phone, how could she not have recognized the signs? Was it just that she hadn't want to? That she didn't want to face the reality of what the truth represented and implied?

Because knowing where the problem lay and knowing what to do about it were two different things.


******


"Well?" Kristen stared at John defiantly, daring him to lie to her again. "What do you have to say for yourself?" Maya could hardly believe the difference in her demeanor from when they had practically carried her out of the bedroom and lay her down on the couch in the living room. In a matter of minutes, she had transformed from a sobbing tragic mess into a lucid, shrewd woman ready to take on all comers.

Only a crazy person could have could have that kind of temper shift, surely? And the destruction upstairs pretty much added to that theory. Maya shivered inadvertently. This job was getting to be a lot more than she had reckoned with.

"I'm sorry baby," John's words were as gentle as he could manage, given the circumstances. Aware of the fact that Mike was packing up his medical bag on the counter he formed his words carefully. "If I had realized how upset you were, I would have blown off the dinner, I promise."
"Dinner with Saint *Marlena*?" Kristen cackled maniacally. "I doubt it somehow."
"I wasn't having dinner with Marlena." Strictly speaking, it was actually the truth. They hadn't eaten.
"Oh give it *up* John," Kristen snarled. "I know what you've been up to. Sordid little meetings with dear ol' *Doc*. Such a fine, moral upstanding citizen she is. F*cking around on her marriage and her relationship....taking other women's men...."

"Kristen, I think that's enough," internally John was absolutely irate. He could throttle her for maligning Marlena like that. Knowing the morally impoverished creature that she was didn't make his loathing any easier to contain.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she slapped her fingers to her mouth in mock distress, ignoring Mike's openmouthed stare from the kitchen. "Did I insult your beloved Doc?"

She's trying to catch you out. Trying to provoke a response. Don't let her do it, don't put Marlena in danger, for God's sake.

"Marlena's not important," John begged silent forgiveness for the lie even as it came from his lips. "All I care about is you and our future Kristen. I want to understand where this is coming from because you have me pretty confused here."

"Where all this is coming from?" She looked astounded. "You really are quite something John." Her jaw set hard as she pushed herself up from the sofa, her face pinched and spiteful looking. "You won't touch me, you won't sleep in the same *room* as me, you won't spend any time here with me, you have some evil tart *babysitting* me, and you want to know where this is *coming* from?!"

"Kristen!" John looked at Maya in shock. Marlena and Eugene had warned him that this side of Kristen existed but he had never seen it in action before. And he wasn't sure he wanted to hear what was going to come from her next.
"Well it *is* the truth isn't it John?" she asked viciously. "You can't stand being around me because you want to be with Marlena."


******


Marlena fingered the remote and turned the volume of the stereo up a notch. Somehow the sound was comforting as it filled the empty apartment. Rolling her head back against a cushion, she stared at the ceiling trying to order her thoughts. Start at the beginning Marlena.

But where *was* the beginning? When he had started behaving oddly? When he had seen...? She cringed at the thought. God, if only he hadn't walked in that night, if only.... There were a lot of *if only's*, too many for her to count these days. If only she hadn't misunderstood the night she had seen him talking to Kristen. If only he hadn't doubted her that day in the hospital. If only they had fought to be together all those years ago....

The book of life is brief
And once a page is read
All but love is dead
That is my belief

The baby turned restlessly inside her and she rubbed a soothing hand over the terry cloth robe. Her eyes drifted to the sofa opposite her and she noticed the coins on the floor in front of the plush piece of furniture. They had tumbled from John's pocket when he was getting his cell phone she figured, chewing on her lower lip apprehensively.

That call had bothered her more than she would ever like to admit. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, it was more that the concern she heard in his voice had somehow made her feel insecure, a little threatened. It was a reminder of something, of someone, of a time in her life that she would much rather forget. If she could pretend Kristen had never existed she would be perfectly happy.

Logically, she knew that it was only her mind playing tricks on her and John's reason for concern wasn't Kristen, but their child that she carried. However, somehow it was hard for her to separate the intellectual rationalizations from the reality of the emotions. The therapist in her said one thing and the impulsive human felt another and it seemed to be a constant struggle to listen to the rational argument and not let the emotions overwhelm her.

But if it was that hard for her, with all her training; what on earth might it be doing to John? It wasn't like either of them had any cause for jealousy and insecurity. Deep down they knew the commitment that they had made to each other was lasting and real. But after everything they had been through during the last few years - maybe the second-guessing was just ingrained. There had been too much pain and too much loneliness to just pretend it away.

And yes I know how loveless life can be
The shadows follow me
And the night won't set me free
But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around with me

"Why won't you talk to me?" she whispered sadly. "Why do you have to try and be so strong?" She ached with the thought of the pain that he was carrying around and the fact that he felt he couldn't share that with her. "I *know* how much it hurts. How are we going to get through this if we don't get through it together?"

Maybe he didn't want to burden her. Maybe he thought that if he ignored the pain, it would go away. She didn't know. She couldn't know unless she talked to him.

All she knew was that she couldn't live her life without him. She was a strong woman, but even the strongest of people needed someone to be themselves with. Someone to share their joys, their fears and their most intimate thoughts.

John was that person, the one she trusted implicitly. The one who she could lean on and who wouldn't think any less of her. He knew her vulnerabilities and he guarded them for her against the outside world. And he loved her in spite of them. Or maybe because of them. He completed her life and she knew without a doubt that she couldn't make it without him.

And I love you so
The people ask me how
How I've lived till now

I tell them I don't know


******


"Kristen," John's patience was wearing thin. If she weren't pregnant with his child he would have thrown her out on the curb where she belonged. But then if she weren't pregnant with his child, neither of them would be here in the first place. But what was the point in *if's*? The reality was that he had to convince her to calm down and listen to what he was saying.

Mike stood uncomfortably in the kitchen, shifting his weight from foot to foot as he listened to the exchange. He wanted to get out of here, Lucie was waiting for him back at the pub and as far as he was concerned, the less he had to do with the Blake's, the better. But given what had occurred here tonight, he was reluctant to leave until he was sure Kristen wasn't going to lose her grip again.

"Baby, you know that I am worried about the health of the baby. You already lost one and we know what a tenuous hold the other baby had for a while there. I just want to do everything I can to make sure that the baby is born safely and healthy. If I'm a little nervous about being with you, that's why," his expression was earnest as he took her hand in his. "You know how much I want to have a family with you."
"Well actually, no I don't," Kristen said coldly as she pulled her hand away from his. "Since you're never *here* to tell me. And when you *are* here you do your best to f*cking well avoid me."
"That's not true Kristen," John could hear the blood pounding in his ears and he felt momentarily dizzy. This wasn't going at all well. "I just spent the last few days with you. What more do you want from me?"
"I want you to stop screwing that slut," Kristen's face reddened as she felt the fury rising again.

"Kristen for God's sake don't be ridiculous!" he raised his voice angrily, unable to help himself. The urge to snap and tell her that he couldn't stand her and that yes he was in love with Marlena and intended to spend the rest of his life with her was almost too much. But maintaining some kind of discipline, he spoke through clenched teeth. "How many times do I have to tell you? Marlena is with Eugene now."
"Well I wouldn't *know* that would I?" she seethed, the anger writhing inside her like a ball of snakes. "Since I'm never allowed out of this *f*cking* apartment. Since I'm practically under house *f*cking* arrest how the hell would I know *anything*?"

John merely stared at her, exhausted beyond words. How could he convince a lunatic of a lie? Was it even possible?

Groaning, he sank onto the sofa and buried his forehead in his hands.
"I can't argue with you like this Kristen. You're not listening to me and it sounds like you'll believe whatever it is that you want to believe. I don't know how to convince you that what I am saying is the truth. If you can't trust me, then what is the point?"

God, he wanted Marlena so much, wanted to hold her in his arms and let her goodness cleanse him. He wanted to lie in her arms and hear his name drifting from her lips. He wanted to love her and tell her that he would never again let her go.

How could God taunt him this way? When in punishing him for his foolishness, he punished Marlena again and again? It wasn't fair. None of this was fair, but then when had life ever been fair? Except for maybe when fate had led him to the one good thing that had happened in his life.....

"Well that's a nice way of saying sayonara isn't it now?" Kristen said pointedly. "Too bad I'm not going to make it that easy for you."
"Easy for me what?" He looked up at her, confusion reigning in his eyes.
"You think you can pin this on me and walk away to be with your precious *Doc*," she sneered cruelly. "Well forget it John. You try and I will make her life *so* miserable it won't be worth living."

"You even *touch* her, Kristen...." He bit off the words, which had come without thought and pushed him up from the couch, wide-eyed.
"Ooooh, that piqued your interest did it?" she giggled insanely. "Poor defenseless Marlena," she waved her hands around, "damsel in distress. Wouldn't you just love to be the hero, rescuing her from the wicked witch?"

Seeing the emotions as they played across his face, and then letting her eyes drift down to his neck where telltale marks were starting to appear, her attitude suddenly crumbled. In the matter of a moment, her hysteria reappeared, bubbling quickly to the surface.

"I *hate* you," she screeched, lunging for John. "I hate you all!!" She pummeled his chest and when John caught her wrists in his hands, she proceeded to launch a volley of kicks at his shins. "You f*cking bastard, I'll f*cking *kill* that whore, I swear I will. I'll kill her, I'll kill her....I hate you...."

Her shrieking was ear-splitting and as John struggled with her, Mike deftly filled a syringe and moved up behind Kristen. In her frenzy she barely even noticed the needle as it punctured her skin and it was only a few moments before she sank into John's waiting arms, her eyes rolling back in her head.


******


Q stepped through the door and closed it noiselessly behind him. The apartment was dark and hushed and it was a moment before he realized that Marlena was curled up on the couch across the room.

Huddled beneath a cotton blanket she looked tiny and vulnerable and when he heard the muffled sob that came from beneath the disheveled blonde hair, he felt a keen grief that encompassed him fully.

Taking a step into the room, he stopped short. He wanted so much to go to her, to take her in his arms and tell her that everything would be all right. But suddenly, he knew he couldn't. Because it wasn't going to be all right.

He wasn't her friend anymore. He wasn't sure what he was, he only knew that in moving from between the sheets to this moonlit evening, their friendship had crumbled, and what was left was the wreckage of a huge mistake.

His stomach clenched agonizingly as he watched her, alone and still. Through his selfishness, he had lost the one thing in the universe that he treasured beyond compare. He had ignored the truth and persuaded himself that a lie could become his new reality. Fools rush in where Q's fear to tread.

God, he had screwed this up so royally. He had destroyed the friendship that he had worked so long to build with her, destroyed the gentle easy comfort that existed between them and built a wall that seemed insurmountable. And now he was causing problems between Marlena and the one person who could make her truly happy. That had to be the case. After his confrontation with John this afternoon, and the unhappiness that emanated from her now, he couldn't deny it any longer.

His breathing tightened as he watched her, becoming shallow and stressed. How could they get back to what they had before? *Could* they get back to being just friends? How long before he didn't yearn for her? How long before he didn't burn at her touch? How long before he didn't feel this confounding guilt at having had her at the expense of the truth?

They'd had a few short weeks of fun and passion. For him, it had been complete ecstasy, happiness beyond his wildest dreams. But had that happiness really been worth what he was suffering now? For him, he wasn't sure. For Marlena the answer was infinitely more straightforward. It wasn't worth it. It had never been worth it. She had been in pain and she had been desperate and he had allowed his heart to drown out the advice of his head. And now they would both have to pay the price for that mistake.

His mouth felt arid as the blood pounded in his ears. He swallowed, but the dryness caught in his throat and he coughed sharply. His anxiety peaked distinctly as Marlena caught the audible sound and lifted her head. With adrenaline flooding his body, he turned swiftly and almost ran for the stairs.

"Gene," her voice was hoarse as she uttered his name, the tears still wet on her face. His throat was tight as he battled with indecision for a split second. What could he do? What could he say that would make things better for her?

Absolutely nothing, that was what.

Hardly missing a beat, he continued up the stairway, pretending he hadn't heard her, that he had no idea she was even in the room. He couldn't face her now, couldn't lie to her, and couldn't tell her the truth. Couldn't do anything but keep climbing, one step after another.

Marlena gasped reflexively as he moved. He had heard her, she knew he had. She could see it all over his face, even in the moonlight. Could see it in the jerky movements as he climbed the stairs. Could see it in the unblinking stare fixed somewhere in front of him. He knew she was there, he just didn't want to, or couldn't bring himself to talk to her.

The pain that welled up felt as though it were choking her as she fought for breath. As the stunned feeling faded, she was assaulted by realizations that were devastating.

Gene couldn't even be her friend any more. The expression on his face was more then enough to tell her that. Their fling had destroyed the closeness that they had once known and these days he couldn't look at her without remembering the pain she had caused him.

She had seduced him when he was weak, convinced them both that she was in love with him and then, when he had opened his heart to her, she had walked away.

"Oh God," her chest ached with welling tears. She had been selfish and unfair to both John and Eugene. She had lost her faith in John and doubted him and she had used Eugene to as a salve for the betrayal that she had felt. It didn't matter that she had convinced herself at the time that she was doing the right thing. The truth was that she had messed up all their lives by acting out of her desperation and weakness.

And now Gene couldn't stand seeing her. And especially with John because it only served to remind him of what he'd once had, but lost. And John couldn't stand to see her even in the most innocent of situations with Eugene because it reminded him of what she had done, how she had doubted his love for her.

What kind of 'true love' was that? What good was being soulmates if you couldn't trust each other to weather the hard times?

Running her hands through her tangled hair, she moaned softly. Now that everything had fallen into place, now that she was no longer fighting the truth, she was as lost as ever. How could she fix this mess? Could she fix it? Because as it stood, she had all but lost Gene's friendship, and she could feel John slipping away from her moment by agonizing moment.

A sob bubbled from her throat and the strangled sound burst into the empty room.
"John..." it was barely more than a whisper. "I need you...." Taking a deep breath, she raised her eyes heavenwards beseechingly. "Oh dear Lord, please help me make this right.... I need your help...I've broken so much," she drew in a breath and her chin trembled as she tried to stave off another round of tears. "Please give me the strength to do what I have to do to fix it. Please help me...."


******


John sat in the dark, his head in his hands. Kristen was now in bed and Mike had left Maya with a supply of the soporific drug and instructions to keep her sedated for the next couple of days, or at least until they figured out how to deal with the situation.

John could replay the scenes in his mind a thousand times and still they would be the same. Kristen threatening to kill Marlena. She had totally lost it. He had to face the fact that she was insane and she probably would never recover from this psychosis. And it was most likely his fault.

If he hadn't used her as some kind of poor man's substitute for the woman he really wanted, if he hadn't promised the world when he didn't have it to give her, maybe she wouldn't have succumbed to the lurking evil within.

Dragging his hand down over his face, he exhaled noisily. That was perhaps what hurt most of all, he thought. That Marlena had berated him for not having the courage to be true to his feelings, had been angry at him for choosing second best, and then she had done exactly the same thing.

He stared at the boards that were nailed over the shattered glass. The last few hours had taken it out of him, but part of him was unwilling to close his eyes lest he was haunted by those visions again.

He had hoped that he might feel better after making love to Marlena this afternoon. But somehow, it had only served to make him feel worse. Making love to her and then running out on her left him filled with guilt and envy. Because no matter what he did, how hard he tried, he could not forget. Could not close his eyes and not see her with *him*. Could not help but wonder if she had made love to *him* on that couch before.

He knew intuitively that this was becoming more than a problem. It was becoming an obsession and one that he seemed to have no control over. It was almost as if his mind *invented* scenarios in which he might have seen them. On the sofa. In the bathroom. For God's sake, he had even had a nightmare in which he had walked in on them in a hotel room having sex up against the wall. He had thrown up after that one, he remembered, tasting the bitter bile in his mouth again.

And it wasn't as if the jealousy and loathing was getting easier to bear. On the contrary, it seemed to be worse every day. It was starting to eat him up inside, and it was starting to affect his relationship with Marlena. But how the hell could he suddenly turn around now and tell her he had a problem with Eugene?

Oh by the way Marlena, did I forget to tell you I hate Eugene and I'm jealous as hell that you slept with him and I feel betrayed and hurt and angry and I just can't forget it...?

Even if he did, how the hell could they fix it? It was done. It wasn't like they could go back and undo it. What good would dredging up all that pain do anyway? After all, it wasn't like he really had a *right* to be angry and jealous was it? Not after he had turned to Kristen instead of fighting for Marlena.

But it's not really the same is it John? His devilish companion chided him without mercy. You never knew that she was still in love with you. She never gave you any sign that she wanted you back. She kept encouraging you to work it out with Kristen didn't she?

He frowned, shaking his head as though to dispel the thoughts of blame. He had been so wary of hurting her again, of coming between Marlena and her family that maybe he had blinded himself to the signs. He had convinced himself that he could live without her for *her* sake. But if he had known, if he had had just an inkling of how she had felt, he would have left Kristen in the dust to be in her life.

Leaning his head back, he rolled his shoulders, trying to work out the kinks that had settled painfully into the tight muscles. He wasn't proud of choosing Kristen as second best by any means but his intentions had been good. He had believed that he loved her and he had told himself over and over that he was building a future. Dwelling in the past had proved too dangerous and destructive, and once was more than enough for the people that he loved.

But Marlena had *known* he loved her. She had *known* he was fighting for her. Dammit, she had held the proof in her hands. She had heard him singing stupid songs, read the heartfelt poems that he had spent hours wracking his brain to write. Hell, he had bought a *plane* for her. He had done everything he could think of to convince her that he was sincere. And then she had taken a misunderstanding of a few words and convinced herself that it was over. And she had turned to Eugene.

How could you do it Doc? How could you doubt the power of *us*?

He sighed heavily. His mind searched desperately for the argument that would refute the thoughts that flailed about inside him. But it was increasingly hard to grasp onto any reason that could not be contentious.

It's no different to what *you* did in essence is it? Maybe not, but what I did was *wrong*. She told me that and my God I know it in my heart. Maybe in some twisted way it was fair; retribution for the pain he had inflicted. Maybe turn about *was* fair play. But that still doesn't make it right

John pushed himself away from the bed and approached the bureau. Fingering the damaged photo of Marlena and Belle, he sighed. Of course she had felt betrayed. Of course she was shocked and confused, but what he couldn't contend with was the thought that she had had that little faith in him. In his honesty and his love for her. Did she really think that little of him that he would *do* that to her.

Had he hurt her *that* badly that she no longer knew him well enough to know when he was sincere? Or maybe it's just that she never really knew you at all......?

"Shut up," he hissed at the voice angrily. Maybe it wasn't Kristen that was losing her mind, maybe it was him. He laughed bitterly at the thought. At least he would know how to handle that.

His eyes prickled with hot moisture as he tried to fight the angry, betrayed thoughts that filled him. That consumed him. That burned inside his head, bright and blinding.

"Dear God," he voiced the prayer loudly. "Please guide me, please help me know what to do, know how to deal with this...." He crossed his arms tightly and turned back to the bedroom.

Please help me......





Eye's and No's

"Gene," her fingers are soft as they slide along my collarbone. "Please, let me love you again. You know that John can't do it like you can. You know he doesn't make me feel the way you do...."

"Marlena," I find myself choking as I utter her name. When an eternity has passed, when the stars have burnt themselves out, when space is cold and vacant, that name will still haunt me. "This is wrong..."

"How can it be wrong?" The satin is slippery as she straddles me and the groan is animalistic in my throat. I want her so badly, want to touch her, to taste her silky skin but this can't happen again. I can't let myself succumb to her. This is destroying me. It's destroying her.

"Marlena," I gasp her name again as her tongue glances across my moving lips. I try to move my hands but looking up I discover that she has used silk scarves to knot them to the bedstead.

"Mmmmm?" she draws a finger down over my jaw and then over my throat. "My Q. You are beautiful my love." Her lips replace her fingers and I feel her tongue, hot against my burning skin. She shimmies down my body and then I feel her......


Q struggled violently to suck in desperate breaths as he sat bolt upright in his bed. Sweat ran in prickling rivulets over febrile skin. No! *No*, I can't... Marlena, please forgive me. I can't stop them...

His eyes darted about the room as he tried to make sense of the waking moments. Covers lay crumpled on the floor, a pillow jammed down the side of the bed.

"Oh God," the whimper percolated in his throat as he fell back against damp sheets. "I can't take this any more."


******


"Punkin," John sat in a chair at the edge of Carrie's bed and held her limp hand between thick fingers. She lay on her side, curled up in a fetal-like ball, eyes fixed on distant and unseen features.

"Carrie, sweetheart," his voice was warm, full of love and regret. "I wish you'd give me some sign that you can hear me. That you know I'm here." He lifted one hand and drew a roughened finger over a pale cheek. "I miss you Punkin. I miss your beautiful smile and your laugh full of sunshine." He sighed sadly. "We always had such a connection, you and me. I might not be your Daddy, Punkin, but I sure felt like it when we were together." He rubbed irritably at itchy eyes.

"You have such a good, kind heart. Just like Doc. She brought you up well...." His voice cracked and he distraughtly squeezed the lifeless hand in his as though maybe he could infuse some life into the unresponsive young woman.

"You always saw beyond the surface Carrie, you always had this uncanny knack of knowing what I was really thinking, of knowing what was going on with me." His body tightened as he watched her. Unblinking, unseeing.

"Carrie baby, I'm sorry if I never told you how much I love you." His voice was harsh, the words guttural and honest. "I'm sorry if I hurt you by not fighting harder, by not asking you what *you* wanted. I've made some mistakes punkin," he choked on the endearment, wanting to bundle the young woman up and somehow bring her back to him through the warmth and love of his touch. "But walking away from you kids, thinking that I was doing the best for you...." He shook his head, his hands clasped tightly around hers. "That was one of the worst."

His lips compressed and his brow furrowed as he tried to quell the grief, still fresh after so long.
"You and the twinners and Marlena. If I could do it all over again, you'd better believe I'd fight for what was mine, baby." He blinked rapidly, fighting a losing battle against the tears.

"I wish you were here," he whispered, voice tainted with misery. "You always understand. You'd know how to help me make sense of this. You'd know what I should do." He winced as a sharp pain shot through his shoulder, the legacy of the bullet?s ruinous path. "Punkin, I'm so sorry. It's my fault that you're in here. It was *me * that they were trying to get at and they destroyed you to do it." He groaned, the guilt heavy on his conscience. "Maybe my biggest mistake was ever getting involved with the Bradys to begin with."

He didn't even want to listen to the internal arguments that refuted that suggestion. At the moment, the grief and the guilt were too keen to be argued.

"Punkin, I don't know what to do, I feel so confused." He clenched his teeth, muscles in his jaw twitching crazily. "I've never questioned before, never doubted, but now I feel so angry and so jealous and I find myself wondering....... If our love is so precious and rare, how could she do that? How could she disregard everything she feels and climb into bed with another man?"

The silence rang deafeningly in his ears and he wondered for a moment what he had expected to hear. A moan slipped from his throat as he buried his head in the crook of bent arms. "I thought she was perfect Carrie. I had her up high on some *damn* pedestal. I worshipped her and I thought she would never do something like that. Something so damn stupid. I thought she was better than me." He lifted his head, anguish shining in his eyes. "I don't want to be angry, I don't want it to hurt so much. I thought it would go away but it's only gotten worse."

His jaw tense, he laid Carrie's hand back on the stark coverlet and stood. Walking over to the window, he placed his hands on the sill and took a deep breath.

"Every time I see her, every time I touch her..... I know he's been there. Maybe it's petty of me, maybe it's selfish, but I hate him for it. I find myself wondering if she maybe prefers the way he kissed her or....." he took a deep breath. "I just can't keep on feeling like this punkin. It's coming between us. I know she feels it too but I don't know how to tell her. I don't even know if telling her would help. Or if it would just make things worse. I mean how is she going to feel if I tell her I'm angry at her for doing the exact same thing that I did. Is that fair of me? If I hadn't screwed up in the first place none of this would have even had the chance to happen, so how can I be angry at *her* for reacting the way she did?"

The answer still remained the same though. He *was* angry and he *was* as jealous as all hell and however hard he tried, those feelings weren't going away. With a yelp of frustration, he slammed his fist against the wall and then spun around, his back connecting with the hard surface so that the vibration passed through him, sweeping away all thought for a split second.

Carrie stared past him, green eyes flat and dull. He stung with the pain of seeing her so crushed. God he wanted his little girl back. Wanted to feel her arms around him. Wanted to hear her voice telling him it would be all right. Wanted to blow her a kiss and make her laugh. He wanted her sunshine back in their lives. For her. For Sami and Doc. For all of them.

"Punkin," he murmured as he neared the bed, "baby, we all need you. Please hear me. Please, you have to fight, you have to come back to us." With tender fingers, he touched her pregnant belly. "Your baby needs you to be a mother. Don't let him down punkin. I know you'll be the most wonderful mother. You just need to give yourself the chance."

"Mr. Black," Faith Jeffries, a pretty blonde nurse stood in the doorway. "I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to say goodbye now. Carrie needs her rest."
"Sure," John's voice was strained as he watched Carrie with father's eyes. "I'll be back soon Punkin. I promise it. I'll be back as often as I can until you get better."

Carrie's eyes seemed to fade to grey as he stood and squeezed her hand once again. "I love you Carrie." He bent over and pressed cool lips to her forehead. "I'm always thinking of you." He straightened and glanced at her once more before looking up at the nurse and nodding. Then, without speaking, he left the room.

Faith turned and followed him, closing the door behind her. Both of them missed the tiny movement in the bed as Carrie's lips formed an inaudible word.

John.


******


"Hey Marlena," Lucie danced into the kitchen, short skirt flaring around tanned legs. "I know this is short notice and all, but do you think I could possibly have tonight off? I met the sweetest guy yesterday and he wants to take me dancing tonight. Would you believe it? I said I'd love to but that I'd have to ask you first." She paused just as Marlena wondered if she'd ever take a breath. "Oh, of course, you know him. Dr. Mike. Isn't he just gorgeous?"
"Mike Horton?" Marlena blinked rapidly. Lucie was quite disconcerting sometimes when she got all bubbly and enthusiastic.
"Yeah. I ran into Sami at the mall and she was having a drink with Dr. Mike and well, one thing lead to another..." she sighed. "He's got the most heavenly eyes."

Marlena smiled her encouragement before she turned back to the cookbook in front of her.
"Oh and not only his eyes," Lucie carried on, aware of Marlena's quiet amusement but rather enjoying herself. "He's got the *cutest* butt and I bet he has a *great* bod under that shirt. Ohhh," her mouth quirked into an even wider smile, "give me Dr Mike with that body, tied to a bed and I'll bet I could have some real fun."

"Lucie!" Marlena's surprise registered on her face as she looked up at the young woman.
"What?" she looked at Marlena with an innocent expression. "Don't tell me you've never tried it." She winked as her face broke into a deliciously wicked grin. "You're missing out on some fun, let me tell you."

"I'll take your word for it," Marlena's smile was slightly flustered as she studied Lucie. The young Southerner was one of those people whom it was often hard to tell if they were joking or not. In this case, Marlena suspected, it was rather more of the *not*.

"So whaddya say boss?" Lucie leaned back against the counter, her elbows resting lightly against the tiled top. "Do you need me tonight or can ya'll do without me?"
"Well actually," Marlena measured out a cup of flour, "Caroline just called to say that she and Shawn would like to keep the kids for another night. Can you imagine that?" she chuckled gently as Lucie widened her eyes in mock horror. "They've been missing them evidently." She paused, reaching for the butter. "So yes, you are quite welcome to take the night off," she smiled at the nanny with sparkling eyes. "Although I expect a full report in the morning."
"Oh no problem," Lucie tossed her blonde hair, green eyes twinkling with impishness. "Do you want *all* the juicy details or just a point by point outline?"
"How about you start and I'll tell you when to stop," Marlena giggled, a little surprised at herself.

After all, Mike was her friend. But there was something about Lucie Vanderbilt that encouraged mischief and Marlena rather liked the carefree manner that Lucie exhibited. And to that end, she wasn't averse to the feeling of freedom that a little silliness fostered. She could probably do with more laughter in her life.

"Sounds promising," Lucie winked. "So what are you up to? Don't tell me you're cooking?"
"Ah," Marlena chewed on her lip with an embarrassed grin. "Attempting to. But I think my usual luck will probably hold with cooking matters." She laughed at Lucie's quizzical expression. "Namely disastrous."
"Ah," Lucie turned as she heard the doorbell. "Well, I'll leave you to the culinary creations and go and answer that shall I?"
"Why don't you do that," Marlena carved a chunk of butter out of the container and dropped it onto the scales, letting out a wail of frustration as it toppled over the side of the dish and onto the counter.


"Well don't bother getting up will ya? I got it," Lucie called to Q, who was watching the TV and diligently ignoring her and everything else that was going on around him. "Thanks Lucie, gee, no problem Eugene," she said to herself as she crossed the room. "That's really nice of you to be so thoughtful. Well you know, I try, but some people just don't appreciate when they're onto a good thing."

She stopped her chatter as she reached the door and swung her head back around to look at Q. He was still watching the TV, his arms crossed tightly in front of him. "Oh, I give up," she muttered darkly before wrenching the knob open.

"John, Hi!" she smiled brightly, brushing her hair into shape with her fingers as she watched him step through the door. "Man, you don't look so good. Did you sleep at *all* last night?"
"Not much," John mumbled gloomily as he waited for her to close the door behind him. Noting immediately that Q sat across the room looking as if he owned it, John's mood blackened even further.

Gene looked up at the newcomer and glared balefully. After the latest torrid dream last night, he had about reached the end of his rope and the last thing he felt like dealing with now was John's aggressive jealousy. In fact, the further away from John he could get, the better at this point in time.

Except, that would mean leaving Marlena. And he wasn't sure he had the strength to do that. But then again, did he have the strength to stay? For all his immortality and omniscience, he had never felt so weak, so at the mercy of a force he could not control with a mere snap of theoretical fingers.

"Wow, don't all talk at once will you?" Lucie threw her hands up in the air. "Woah, woah, I don't think I can stand the excitement." Rolling her eyes at Q, she turned to John. "I can't work out which one of you has a worse effect on the other. Honestly, you're like two big kids. He can't stand the fact that you've got the toy now and you can't stand the fact that he had it before." Shrugging, she swung around easily, blonde hair bouncing against her shoulders. "Men. I swear I will *never* understand them."

Both Q and John stared at her, their mouths hanging open as she entered the kitchen. She reappeared moments later with Marlena in tow, wiping the flour that dusted her nose.

"John," she looked surprised.
"Were you expecting someone else?" he asked, his voice a little harder than he intended.
"Well...no..." she shook her head, caught off-guard as the emotions she had suppressed since last night crashed through her hastily erected barrier.

Seeing John and Eugene in the same room and feeling the tension that permeated the air as she entered, simply served to confirm and strengthen her perception of the situation. And with that confirmation, the grief and sadness that she had wallowed in last night returned to haunt her. Accompanied by the fear. The fear that this could not ultimately be resolved, that too much damage had been done.

"Uh, I just didn't expect you. You didn't call last night," it was said softly but she couldn't help the reproach that had crept into her voice. "I wasn't sure what was going on."
"I'm sorry Doc," John sighed, his shoulders sinking, "I had some thinking to do." He shot a purposeful look at Eugene who was completely ignoring the whole exchange.

"Oh," Marlena felt her breath catch in her throat and she had to consciously make herself take a deep breath. "How's Kristen?" John exhaled deeply and ran his fingers through his hair.
"She lost it last night Doc," he shook his head, contemplating the memory of the debris in the bedroom. "She completely cracked and destroyed half of the stuff in my bedroom. Mike had to end up sedating her."

Marlena gasped, trembling fingers finding her mouth as she searched for something to say.
"I...." she shook her head, "are you okay? Is the baby okay?"
"Yeah, everything seems okay now," John nodded. "Mike wants to keep her sedated for the next couple of days though." He turned to look at Gene who was still studiously ignoring them as he watched the TV and he felt the anger bind his body. "Doc, I think we need to talk."

"Yeah," she nodded her head, her heart suddenly feeling as though it wanted to jump straight out of her chest. "Perhaps we should go upstairs?"

"No, please, don't let me *disturb* you." Eugene spoke for the first time, but his voice was dripping with sarcasm as he pushed himself off the sofa. He hated himself for behaving like this and part of him wondered if Kristen was not the only one going completely crazy. Was it possible that omnipotent beings could lose their minds? If it was then he was probably a good candidate for the great celestial psych ward. "I have...things to do," he muttered weakly before he headed for the stairs. Glancing at Marlena with open curiosity, Lucie followed him.

For John, as soon as Eugene and the nanny left the room, it was as though much of the tension dissipated and he found himself moving closer to Marlena.

"You have flour on your nose Doc," he affectionately brushed at her nose with his fingers.
"I...I was going to bake some cookies for the kids," she swallowed, her body responding intuitively to his touch and to the closeness of his body. He smelled wonderful and she was suddenly reminded of their lovemaking yesterday evening.
"Oh no, anything but the cookies!" John joked gently. "Spare my poor babies that at least."
"You're horrible," she smiled, but the echo was muted in her eyes before she turned from him and wiped her hands on the thighs of her dungarees.

She suddenly felt horribly awkward and she had no idea how to broach the subject of what was bothering him. What was more, she wasn't sure she had the courage to, lest she heard the answer that she feared. Part of her wanted to bury her head in the sand like an ostrich and pretend that there was no problem, that there were no hurdles to overcome. But denying the problem would only make it worse. *Had* only made it worse.

"Marlena," the distance in John's voice chilled her and she jumped as she felt his hand on her upper arm. Taking a deep breath, she swung back round to face him.
"Why don't we sit down?"


******


"Eugene," Lucie caught up to Q outside his bedroom door. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," the word was hard and tapped out in a staccato beat.
"Are you sure?" Green eyes looked up at him innocently from under long, black lashes, "you seemed really tense down there."
"Well you didn't exactly help matters," he snapped angrily.
"Me?" She blinked and then recognition dawned. "Oh I'm sorry, sometimes I think out loud and it tends to get me into trouble."
"Yeah well," he scowled, "maybe you should practice minding your own business in future."

"Eugene, I'm just trying to help," she said, her face falling. "I like you all, you're nice people, you don't deserve this unhappiness."
"And what would you know about it?" he crossed his arms in front of him, the frown still plastered across his face.
"Well....." a wicked smile slipped onto her face, "I watch and listen a lot. I like to study people. I think they can be fascinating, don't you?"

The smile quirked at one corner of her mouth and she lifted one hand and drew a soft finger over the flesh exposed by the vee of his shirt. Moving closer, she felt Q tense under her touch. "I must say, I'm finding it quite the education on human relationships living here. Wouldn't you agree?"

Q felt as if he was choking as her eyes flashed emerald and then slid strangely into a familiar hazel hue. Then all at once they melted back to a brilliant green. If he had blinked, he might have missed it. But he hadn't blinked and suddenly his body was screaming to escape this inexplicable torment.

"I have....things....to do," his voice was raspy and hoarse as he jerked away from her touch.

Yanking open the door to his bedroom, he slammed it behind him, his body thudding heavily against the smooth wood. Holding his stomach, he sank to his knees, trying to beat the nausea and dizziness that suddenly enveloped him.

"I'll bet you do," Lucie's words were almost inaudible but her smile would have left anyone watching in no doubt that she was very pleased with herself.


******


"How are you feeling, baby?" John asked as he sat on the sofa next to Marlena.
"Confused," she wasn't prepared to dance around small talking for the next half an hour while they both avoided the subject that was tearing them apart. She needed to know how he felt and they needed to talk this out if they had any hope of resolving it. "And hurt." She looked down at her hands, which were rolled into balls. With effort, she loosened them and stretched out her fingers. "I waited for you to call last night. I was worried."

"I know, I did say I'm sorry Doc." He sighed awkwardly. "It was pretty rough there for a while and like I said, I needed some time to sort out my thoughts."
"Thoughts about what?" she asked, her anxiety sending tentacles of dread to wrap her shivering skin.
"About us," he looked up at her, icy eyes burning into her soul and she suddenly was struck by the fleeting terror that he was going to walk away from her once again.

"I...." Her voice cracked and she found that her hands were curling up again of their own accord. Damned hormones.
"Doc?" John bent his head but she turned away from him before he could see the tears in her eyes. Before he could see her fear and doubt.
"Just say what you have to say John," she looked upwards at the landing, blinking desperately in an effort to beat the tears.

"Baby, I didn't mean..." John swallowed as he watched her, her body language spelling out all too obviously what she feared. "Marlena, look at me sweetheart."
Taking one of her hands in his and rubbing his fingers over the tight fist, he started to open his mouth to speak again. However, he was interrupted by the brassy ring of the telephone.

"I'd better get that," Marlena mumbled as she pulled her hand away from him and used it to push herself up off the couch. Dammit, she had meant to be strong, she had meant to talk to him calmly and rationally about what was bothering him. But before they had even begun to talk, she had let her emotions paralyze her and now she was desperate for something, anything to help her escape what might be coming.

John sighed and dropped his head into his hands as she picked up the phone. After finally gathering his courage enough to talk to her about this, this was the last thing he needed.

"Hi Marlena, it's Abe," the rich vibrato resonated down the line.
"Abe, hi," she crossed her arms over her swollen belly and tried to ignore the way her body shook. "How can I help you?"
"Uh...well, we've got some news on Carrie's case." Abe told her carefully. "News that I think you'll want to know about. You and John."

"But I talked to Roman last night," she was a little confused as she tried to play the scenarios through her head. "He said that there were no leads apart from some cat hair or something."
"Marlena, I'd rather not go into it over the phone," something in Abe's voice sent Marlena's heart pounding even harder than it had been before. "Can you come down to the station? I'll get someone to get hold of John and get him down....."

"Uh...." her eyes flicked to John nervously before she interrupted, "he's here Abe." "We can come down there right away if it's that important."
"It is," Abe answered, a little disconcerted by the fact that John was at the penthouse with Marlena.
"Well, we'll see you shortly then." Marlena dropped the phone receiver into its holder and turned to John who was already standing behind her.

"They have some news," she said faintly.
"Did he give you any clue as to what it was about?" John asked, almost eagerly.
"No," she shook her head, eyes wide with fear and watched as John went to collect her coat.

She knew what John thought Abe was going to tell them and her suspicion was that he was right. And the thought filled her with simmering panic as she contemplated it.

Because if John was right, her nightmare could be about to get a lot worse.....





Truth Time


"Doc," Roman pulled out a chair for Marlena and took her coat from her as she sank into it, "how are you feeling?"
"I've been better," she sighed as she watched John pace the room. "Where's Abe?"
"He just had to pop down to the lab, he'll be right back." Roman perched himself on the edge of the desk. "Did you think any more about what I said last night?"
"I couldn't help *but* think about it," she lowered her voice as John studied the notice board intently. "I was going to talk to him just before, but then Abe called."
"Sorry 'bout that," Roman squeezed her shoulder gently but pulled his hand away almost guiltily as John came towards them.

"I thought I might go and get a coffee, you want one Doc?" the muscle twitched in John's jaw as he tried to maintain the façade of control he had created.
"Um, no but a glass of water...." Her voice faded as her eyes met his. She could read the misery that lurked behind the intense brilliance of the blue irises and it stole her breath momentarily. Is he jealous of Roman *too*?

Had this gone so far that the pain that he was feeling was spilling over into different facets of their life?
"Sure," he nodded, his expression hard as he turned from them and left the office.

Roman said nothing for a moment, digesting the exchange between John and his ex-wife. Things seemed to be going seriously downhill and surely this stress couldn't be good for her. Maybe it was time to have a word to John and beat some sense into the moron's head.

"I think I'll get a drink too," he slid off the corner of the desk but Marlena caught his hand, troubled amber eyes staring up at him.
"Please don't say anything," she begged. "I think at this point it will only make things worse. He needs to come to this his own way and in his own time."
"But Doc, he's hurting you in the process," Roman argued gently.
"Roman, I'm a big girl and I can deal with it. This problem is between John and me and it's up to us to sort it out," she smiled peakily.

"If you're sure..." Roman looked like he wasn't entirely ready to leave her to her own devices. He knew how good she was at running away from problems, at pretending that they didn't exist. He didn't want to see her let another relationship fall into disrepair because she was avoiding the issue of communication once again. He just wanted so much to see her happy and he wanted to help her if he could.

"I'm sure," she squeezed his fingers and then dropped her hand back to her knees, hunching over as the baby kicked her heavily. "Yikes baby," she rubbed the tender spot, "go easy will you?"

"Doc! Are you okay?" John almost dropped the drinks he was carrying in his haste to get to her side as he caught the look of pain that danced across her face. Crouching down beside her, he passed the drinks to Roman and took her hand in his. "Are you in pain?"
"I'm okay," she gasped for a breath, "I just think this baby is getting a kick-start on how to swing a baseball bat, that's all."
"Hey well, that's my boy...or girl," he added with a proud and relieved grin.

Suddenly realizing what he had said, he looked around at the open door and his expression fell as he saw Abe standing there.
"Oh shit," his face paled as Abe looked at him in astonishment.

"Did you say that this is *your* baby John?" Abe asked slowly.
"Shhh...shhh...shhh," John was on his feet in a split second and he moved behind Abe to close the door.
"So it's true then?" Abe looked at Marlena who was meticulously avoiding his gaze and then back at John.
"Yeah partner," John nodded, crouching beside Marlena again as she straightened up. "It's true, but we don't want it going any further than this room for now okay?"

"You knew about this?" Abe asked Roman, his mind still trying to wrap around the fact that Marlena was having *John's* baby. Again.
"Yeah, but I couldn't tell you Abe," Roman jammed his fingers into the pockets of his jeans and straightened his arms. "It's a very complicated situation."
"Well, I guess you could say that," Abe blinked, trying to work out how he felt about this revelation. "Does Eugene know?"
"Abe!" Marlena finally spoke, the hurt shining in her eyes. "How can you ask that? Of course Gene knows." She turned away, biting her lower lip to stop it trembling.

"Abe, it's straight up," John took Marlena's hand in his and stroked it. "Eugene is our cover for now. We can't tell everyone until Kristen has her baby because she's unbalanced. We're afraid she might do something to hurt herself or..." he paused, looking at Marlena, "someone else if she were to find out the truth. Marlena having my baby threatens the delusion that she has built around the idea of a having a family with me and we just can't risk that right now."

"Okay," Abe nodded carefully as he watched John and Marlena and then suddenly understanding dawned on his face. "Do you mean to tell me that you two....?"
"Yeah partner," John grinned, slipping his arm around Marlena who turned back to face her old friend.
"We're back together Abe," she finished for him.

"Well this is *great* news," Abe laughed merrily, "*great* news!"
"We think so," John stared at Marlena who smiled back, despite herself. He allowed himself to relax then and he tapped her chin gently.
"Marlena," Abe hunkered down in front of her. "I'm sorry if I inferred anything. It was unfair of me, I know you better than that. I'm sorry, I was just surprised and speaking before I thought."
"That's okay Abe," she said softly with a small smile. "I know you didn't mean it like that." But still she held tightly onto John's hand. "So what was it that you had to tell us?"

"Ah....yeah...that." He looked down at the file in his hands and then up at Roman.
"Doc told me on the way over here about the cat fur in the hut by the river," John stood with Abe, "does this have anything to do with that?"
"No, forensics is still working on that," Roman moved behind his desk and took a seat, determined to keep an eye on Marlena.
"Yeah," Abe placed the manila folder carefully on the desk and leaned against it, "this is something else, something we missed the first time around."

"Missed?" Marlena looked up at her friend.
"Yeah. We had forensics go through all the stuff in Carrie's case, but somehow the stuff in her purse was .... overlooked."
"But I thought you tested the gun and everything else she had on her?" John frowned.
"Not the purse she had in the Grill John, the one that she had with her when she disappeared." Roman clarified. "The security camera in the building showed that she had a large brown purse with her and when we did a second search of the apartment, we found it stuffed in the back of a cupboard."

"So you tested what was in the purse?" Marlena asked, feeling weak.
"Yeah, we just got the results back from forensics this morning." Abe turned around and drew a sheet from the folder beside him. "They found two partials, a smudged one on Carrie's sunglasses and a good one on her credit card."
"Prints...." John nodded without surprise. "Don't tell me. You found a match?"

Marlena closed her eyes as Abe nodded and handed the sheet to John. Oh please God, don't let it be him. Please don't let it be him.... Please don't let it be him...please don't...please, please don't....

John looked at the positive ID, the eyes in the mug shot staring back at him, obdurate and evil. He knew those eyes almost as well as he knew his own and one day, if luck was on his side, he would see them again, lifeless at last.

"Stefano DiMera," he breathed all his hatred for the man into the words he uttered. "I'll kill the bastard."
"No," Marlena voiced faintly, "no, it can't be. It must be wrong." Pushing herself upright, she snatched the sheet from John's hands. But, as sure as the sun would rise tomorrow, there was Stefano staring back at her, snaring her with his malevolent gaze "Oh God, no!"

"Marlena!" John caught her as she staggered slightly. "Baby careful, are you okay?"
"John he can't be back, he can't!" she shook her head frantically as she clung to him. Her fingers gripped the picture of Stefano and even as she tried to tear her eyes away from it, still they were drawn back.

Stefano DiMera.

He had destroyed everything she had ever loved, one way or another. He had taken Roman from his family. He had stolen five years of her life, five years that she should have been loving her children and tucking them in at night. He had manipulated and bullied and tormented them until they were afraid to look around the next corner. And then he would come up behind them and blindside them again.

Her heart pounded in her chest and her throat constricted as she struggled to breath through the panic. Oh God, oh God, oh God. Frightened tears filled her eyes as she recalled the last time she had felt this much terror in a single, unexpected moment.

When she was pregnant with Belle.

Her whole body became rigid as the realization echoed in her mind. When she was pregnant, when she had gone into premature labour, when Stefano had destroyed her marriage and her life in one fell swoop.

"It's okay baby," John told her soothingly as he folded his arms around her, deftly plucking the sheet from her fingers and handing it back to Abe as he did so. "Everything will be fine, I promise you."
"How can you say that?" her eyes filled with panicked tears. "God, last time he came to town I was seven months pregnant and he brought nothing but destruction in his wake. We thought he was dead and he came back to haunt us. He destroyed our lives and this is so much like déjà vu I don't know if I can take it." Her knees sagged again and John held her tightly as she grabbed handfuls of his shirt. She felt out of control, the terror swallowing her up, consuming her as she struggled with the truth.

"Don't you know history never repeats Doc," he said lightly, although deep down the knowledge that the old man could do this to Marlena, evoke this terror without even being within sight made him both angry and a little afraid. "Don't worry baby, I promise you that we'll take care of it."

"How John?" she suddenly pushed away from him, finding her fighting spirit. They could make all the comforting noises they liked, but she knew the truth. Stefano was deadly, and playing his games only lead to misery. "Have you forgotten that he put you in hospital and very nearly took you away from me just a few short weeks ago?" Her face was pale, but two bright red spots appeared on her cheeks as she continued. "Stefano is a monster, he's evil. How can you fight him, how can you defeat him, he's always one step ahead of all of us." Her eyes flicked around the room in apprehension. "You *can't*. And you know it."

"That's not true Doc," Roman shook his head. "We have the law on our side. We have the whole damn police force to track this bastard down and bring him to justice. He's not going to outsmart us this time." His face softened. "And besides Doc, you know that Stefano's forte is mind games. He will try and play us off, one against the other if he can. But there is one big difference this time," he smiled. "This time there are no secrets. There's nothing he can use to come between you and John. You have to hang onto that thought."

Nothing except for the fact that she slept with another man this time too huh Johnny boy? John clenched his fast and tried to subdue the voice that taunted him. Burying the thought, he turned to Roman.

"What can I do to help you find DiMera?" he asked purposefully. "What are you doing to track him down?" Roman opened his mouth to speak and then thought better of it, looking to Abe for guidance. Not waiting for an answer, John ploughed on. "You want money? You want manpower? You just come to me Abe." He could feel the thrill of the chase in his gut as he spoke. "Hell, I'll track the old man down myself if you'll just give me the information that you have. I was a cop once, I can find him and I'll deal with him too. He's escaped federal justice too many times. This time, for what he did to Carrie, he's going to pay."
"Only if it's a team effort John," Roman was equally as intense as he contemplated the very real possibility of being able to make Stefano suffer for what he had done to his family. "I'm not going to be deprived of the feeling of my fingers around that old f*cker's neck."
"You're on Roman," John's grin was ugly. "You can have his neck while I break every bone in his miserable body."

"STOP IT," their bloodlust was interrupted by Marlena's anguished cry, "just *stop* it!" They both turned to look at her, their surprise clear on their faces. "Listen to yourselves!" Tears spilt from her eyes as she glared at them. "Listen to what he's *done* to you." She tried to hold back the tears but they came, unwanted and unhindered. "I just can't deal with this. I can't deal with you like this...."

John moved to catch her arm, but he was too late as she whirled around and tore the door open. Slamming it behind her, she made for the open elevator as fast as she could and desperately hit the down button as she swiped at the tears.

"Marlena!" John pulled the door open and dashed for the elevator, but his hands met cool metal as the doors slid closed, separating him from the woman he treasured above all else.

"Damn!" He turned back to Roman who was standing white faced behind him. "Dammit Roman, what the hell did we do that for?"
"I don't know," Roman shook his head vexedly. "I really don't know."


With tears obscuring her vision, Marlena hurried towards the entrance to the station. She wasn't sure where she was going, only that she had to get away, had to get some air.

"Woah!" The voice sounded a split second before she ran into its owner. "Wow Marlena," Trudie brushed dark auburn curls out of her eyes. "Do you wanna watch where you're going?"
"Sorry," Marlena mumbled as she tried to sidestep the young woman.
"Wait, *wait*. You're not getting away that easily..." Trudie stepped back, realizing the cause of Marlena's clumsiness was that she was highly agitated and more than a little distressed. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," the words brought on a fresh bout of tears and Marlena turned from Trudie, striving to defeat them with desperate fingers.
"You don't look fine." Trudie took her arm gently. "Look, let's go and sit down for a few minutes huh? You don't look like you should be going anywhere in this state."

Marlena thought for a moment of refusing her, but realized that she didn't have the strength, she let herself be led outside to one of the benches. Dropping her purse, along with the very late lunch that she had brought Roman on the bench next to her, Trudie sat next to Marlena.

"So what is this all about then?" she asked without fanfare.
"I...." Marlena shook her head. "I'd rather not talk about it."
"And what good would that do you?" Trudie shrugged. Her friends didn't call her forthright for nothing. "I take it that Roman and Abe told you about the prints?"
"Prints?" Marlena looked up at the brunette, her eyes reddened and miserable. When she found the answer in Trudie's eyes, her shoulders drooped. "Stefano." The name sent chills wending their way around her soul, but she said it as strongly as she could. She would not let him break her. She couldn't for her babies' sakes. For John's sake.

"Yeah," Trudie nibbled the inside of her cheek. "Pretty frightening huh?" At that, Marlena looked up at her, her manner strengthening into one of defiance. However her eyes still betrayed her inner terror as she spoke.
"You don't even know the half of it," she said quietly. "Every time one of them has gone after Stefano, something terrible has happened. And now they want to go after him again." She struggled to swallow, her mouth dehydrated. "They want revenge and I...."she looked away, focusing on the green oak tree across the street. "I just don't think I could survive that again."

"Marlena, they have to feel like they can do something to protect their family," Trudie had already had this conversation with Roman. She understood Marlena's fears more than she would like to admit, but she could also understand that this was how Roman needed to deal with this and she had finally accepted it. "If they sit back and do nothing, if they spend their lives hiding from Stefano, it makes them feel impotent and useless. *Worse* than useless actually. They would lose their self-respect and you can't ask them to give that up." She waited for a response from Marlena, but the only reply she got was from an irate driver blowing his horn at the cab in front of him.

"Marlena, Roman has told me what Stefano has done to his family, to your family. And quite frankly, I can understand his anger and hatred of the man. And I can understand his need to make sure it never happens to any of you again."
"Do you think *I* don't feel it too?" Marlena asked suddenly, and Trudie noticed that her fists were curled into white balls in her lap. "Do you think that I don't *loathe* that bastard with every fiber of my being for what he's done to my family? What he did to Roman?" Her eyes flashed with golden fire as she spoke, the words harsh and angry. "By rights I should feel more hatred for him than anyone else. He took five years of my life. He took my husband and he took my peace. And he's *still* taking." She shook her head, breathing out the rage with a long, cleansing breath. "Fifteen years and he's still taking."
"And can you forgive him for that?" Trudie asked quietly.
"No," Marlena shook her head heatedly "I'll never be able to forgive him for the destruction he's brought to the Brady's. Never." She glared at Trudie. "I hope he rots in hell for an eternity for what he's done to us."
"Well, you can't expect them to forgive him either." Trudie pointed out reasonably. "They just deal with it differently than you do. They have to voice their anger and work it out by trying to do whatever they can to make sure this never ever happens to you and your family again." Tentatively, she laid her hand on Marlena's arm. "I know it's hard, I know it's frightening, but you have to let them do what they need to do."

Marlena looked down at the grass beneath her feet and Trudie decided it was time to play her final card.
"Can you tell me you've never wanted to go after him yourself? That you've never wanted to wipe that scum off the face of the earth? Even to protect your family?"

Marlena turned to look at the young woman, her cornflower blue eyes glittering in the sunlight. How could she lie? She hadn't only *wanted* to go after Stefano. She had once. She had held a gun on him....... and she had pulled the trigger without remorse. And when she had thought him dead, she had only felt relief and thankfulness that her children were finally safe. Or so she had thought.

"No," she shook her head. "I can't tell you that. I know how strong the need to protect those you love is." She paused and her fists uncurled slightly. "And that's why I don't want them to go out there, go after him. It's just too dangerous."
"And that's why you have to let them Marlena," Trudie was sympathetic to her pain and fear. She felt it herself and she didn't have the history of dread and loss to back it up. She could only imagine the kind of struggle Marlena must be having right now. But she also knew the way that it had to end if she wanted to resolve this with Roman and John.

"Doc!" John grabbed Marlena's hands and squatted down in front of her. "I'm so sorry, are you okay, baby?" He brushed the hair from her face with shaking fingers and let out a sigh of relief as he saw she was unharmed.
"I'm okay John," she told him soothingly, lifting her fingers to his face to smooth out the lines of anxiety. "Trudie found me and talked some sense into me." She looked gratefully up at the tall young woman who was now standing with Roman.
"Thanks Trudie," John squinted into the sun as he looked up.

"I know that you have to do what you feel is right," Marlena told him as steadily as she could. She didn't really want to be saying this. She didn't want to encourage him. But Trudie's words had rung too true to be ignored. That was the kind of men that Roman and John were. That was why she loved John. Because he was so fiercely protective of those he loved. Because he would never let them down if he could possibly help it. And she couldn't ask him to be any less than he was. It wasn't fair of her, however much she was afraid. "It doesn't mean I'm going to like it, because I'm not. In fact I'll *hate* it, but I do promise you that I'll try not to fight you on it okay?"
"Okay," John nodded with a tender smile as he wiped away the last of her tears. "But I think we should really finish this conversation later, because right now I think I want to be getting you home, all right?" His eyes were earnest and concerned as he stood and she couldn't refuse him.
"All right," she let him pull her upright and she sank into his arms as he held her close for a moment. She knew that being together in public wasn't particularly smart, but with Kristen under sedation, she was less inclined to care. Especially when she so desperately needed to feel John's warmth and reassuring solidity.

"We'll catch you later okay Roman?" John unfolded his arms from around Marlena and caught her hand in his as they headed towards the Jeep.
"Look after her," Roman entreated John as he watched them go and then he turned to Trudie. "Thanks for your help baby."
"No problem," she watched the couple as they made it to the vehicle. "So I guess that answers that question huh?"
"What question?" Roman shaded his eyes as he turned around to see John help Marlena into the Jeep.
"Whether that Eugene guy is a cover for those two." She grinned her amusement. "I could see at the party what was going on. He could barely keep his eyes off her all night that night." She turned to Roman with raised eyebrows. "You knew, didn't you?"
"Who me?" he laughed innocently as he slid his arm easily around her shoulders. "I think you must have me mixed up with somebody else."
"Oh well tell me, was it you that I tied to the bed last night, or was that this other fellow that I'm mixing you up with." She giggled playfully as she slipped her hand into the back pocket of his jeans.
"Oh you'll keep..." he told her with a grin. "Don't you worry about that..."


******


"Mike!" Marlena dropped her bag on the floor by the door and let John take her coat from her. "I didn't expect to see you here." She was suddenly struck by a thought. "Is everything okay, is there a problem with Kristen?"

"No, no Marlena," Mike stepped forward and gave her a hug. "I was just waiting for Lucie to get ready actually. We're going out," he added by way of explanation.
"Oh yes, she did tell me," Marlena's smile disappeared as she saw Eugene descending the stairs, the sight of him bringing back the realization that she and John still had to deal with that problem.

"Eugene, is Lucie ready yet?" Mike asked with a hint of impatience. He didn't exactly want to get caught up here; he'd already had enough of John Black's domestic dramas to last him for the week.

"Marlena," Q said stiffly, "when you have a moment, perhaps I could have a word?" After the nightmare of the dream this morning, coupled with the brush with the devilish nanny, Q had finally decided that enough was enough and that staying here was ultimately more dangerous than leaving. If Kristen was sedated then surely John could spend his time here and look after Marlena's safety. Hell, he'd *swap* places with John at this point in time.
"Gene?" Marlena's stomach immediately began to churn as she watched his eyes avoid hers.

"Well, I'm going to go and put some tea on if you two want to talk," John said as calmly as he could and before Marlena could argue, he was gone.
"How about we go out to the patio?" Q asked with a pointed glance at Mike.
"Okay," she whispered with a small nod as he held his arm out to invite her to lead the way.

She was half way across the room before she felt an agonizing pain rip through her abdomen.

"Oh God," she gasped breathlessly as her arms wrapped protectively around her stomach. Even so, she was unprepared for the second pain that gripped her with frightening intensity and she let out a cry of anguish as the room swam inkily before her.

Her last thought before she passed out was that she was grateful for the strong arms that were there to catch her as she crumpled into darkness.





Fears, Scares and Nightmares

John dropped the cup in his hand as he heard Marlena's cry of pain and the porcelain mug smashed noisily against the tiled floor, shattering into what looked like a thousand pieces. By the time he made it to the doorway, he was just in time to see Marlena collapse into Eugene's arms, her hands pressed defenselessly against her rounded belly.

"Marlena!" Q staggered as he caught her full weight, desperately afraid that something was seriously wrong with her.
"Get her to the couch," Mike was immediately beside him, snapping instructions. Hooking one hand under her buckled knees, Gene lifted her up in his arms and carried her to the sofa.
"It's gonna be all right baby," he murmured as he lay her down on the cushions, "you're going to be okay." He pushed the ruffled golden hair from her ashen face and stroked her cheek. "C'mon Marlena, open your eyes. Talk to me."

Doc! A panicked John sprinted across the room, falling to his knees at the head of the sofa. Oh God, please let her be all right. Please let them both be all right. Please, I'm begging you... But even as he sent up the silent prayer another thought entered his mind. Silently, he watched Eugene gently brush the hair from her face, almost unaware of the fact that he was only inches away, and a chill coursed through him. And please let me have the restraint not to kill him. Please let me ignore him. For Marlena's sake...

"Gene, just let me -" Mike pushed Q aside, dragging his medical bag with him. It was possibly the quickest exam he had ever done in his life as he took her pulse and blood pressure and checked her heartbeat and her pupils. Once he had determined that the fetal heartbeat was still strong, he relaxed a little. However, her hands were cold and clammy to the touch and he spent a moment debating whether he should call an ambulance to take her to the hospital.

"M-Mike?" John reached out a trembling hand to touch her pallid skin as his heart pounded raggedly in his chest. He couldn't stand it; he couldn't bear it if anything happened to her. After everything that they had fought through....

"The baby is okay John," Mike said in a voice as strong as he could manage. "And despite her blood pressure being elevated, I think that Marlena is fine too. I think that the stress probably just got a little too much for her. I would like to take her down to the hospital and run some tests though."

Suddenly, feeling as though he was being watched, Q tore his eyes away from Marlena's face and looked up at the landing. He wasn't surprised to find that Lucie was watching the scene and he oddly found himself even less surprised when she winked at him, her expression changing so languidly that he found himself reminded of a cat stretching.

"Ohhh," Marlena stirred and his attention immediately switched back to the woman on the sofa beside him. The woman for whom he would sell his immortality and his very soul.
"Marlena-"
"Doc-"

Their voices mingled as Marlena slowly blinked, the room resolving in front of her.
"Oh what happened?" she croaked as she raised a hand to her head, which was still swimming.

"You passed out Marlena," Mike said gently.
"I wha...?" She searched back in her mind for the remembrance that would help her understand what had happened. It was only a moment before she recalled the searing pain and her hand wrapped instinctively around her belly. She had fainted and Gene had been there to catch her. She remembered that much.

Without any hesitation, she reflexively sought out Eugene's concerned face.

Oh please God, please let the baby be all right.... Gene will know if there's a problem. He will know, he can tell me. He can make it right...

"Gene....?" The room swirled around her as she moved her head and she groaned, closing her eyes.
"It's okay sweetheart," he had known what she would ask and he had already checked that the baby was all right. At least his Q powers could help her with that, even if he had screwed up everything else. "The baby is fine."
"Are you sure?" she opened her eyes, hazel irises shimmering with alarm.
"I'm sure," he smiled tenderly and she focused on his face, sweet and caring. "I think it was probably just your body telling you to slow down."

"I'd still like to take you to hospital and run some tests," Mike reaffirmed as he checked her pulse again.
"No, no it's okay," Marlena sighed, relief flooding her voice. She trusted Gene implicitly to tell her the truth. If he had any doubts, he would tell her, she knew that. Right now the worst thing, the most stressful thing she could imagine was going to the hospital and being poked and prodded. And all they would do was take some blood, do a scan and send her home. She would much rather stay here cocooned and safe. "If Gene says everything is fine, then it's fine."

Mike looked at her, his doubt reflected in his eyes. However, he stayed silent as he t ran his fingers over her stomach, palpating various spots.
"No pain there?" he asked thoughtfully.
"Nope," she shook her head as the baby squirmed comfortably inside her. There was no pain at all and it just confirmed her feeling that it was an isolated incident. Like Gene said, just her body telling her to slow down. "It feels just fine."

Suddenly realizing that she hadn't seen John, she tried to use her hand to raise herself and look around.
"John? Oh..." the pallor of her skin was cast with a greenish hue as the world began to spin again, a low hum buzzing in her ears. Eugene caught her as her elbow gave way and helped her lie back down.

"I'm here Marlena." John slid his fingers over her cheek, hoping that she didn't notice how deathly cold they were. He hadn't been slow to observe that the first person Marlena had turned to when she had come round had been Eugene and it had left him feeling angry and conflicted.

On one hand, he was incredibly grateful that she was all right and that this seemed to be nothing more than a scare, a warning to take it easy. But on the other hand, he had seen evidence with his own eyes of the affection that still existed between Eugene and Marlena. And the fact that she had turned to *him* first in order to allay her fears about the baby burned John so deeply that he didn't know how to react.

But what killed him more than anything else was that he recognized the look on Q's face as he talked to Marlena, reassuring her, comforting her. He recognized the tenderness in the other man's voice and in his touch and he knew what it meant. Q still loved Marlena. She was inside his heart like she was John's and if Q was lucky, it might fade a little over time. But it would never leave, that was as sure as the sun was setting outside.

And her reaction, the way she took comfort from his closeness, the way he had been the first person she had looked for, whatever the reason, didn't exactly give John cause to rejoice. The knowledge that she and Eugene shared a bond, a special friendship even through everything that happened was hard for John to accept. And it made it even harder for him to sit by as he watched them reach out to each other. In fact it made it damn near impossible. As far as he was concerned he shouldn't *have* to sit by. *He* was the one she should be turning to for comfort and reassurance, *not* her ex-lover.

"John?" her voice was a little stronger this time as she propped herself up on her elbow, and despite another burst of dizziness, she looked around at him.
"Yeah baby, I'm here," he glowered at Eugene, who quickly moved out of the way and John moved around to kneel beside her on the couch. "You frightened me Doc," he gasped, suddenly realizing he had been holding his breath and he gathered her up in his arms. "Please don't do that again."
"Mmmm, well it wasn't much fun for me either," she murmured as she slipped her arms around his neck and drew strength from his closeness.

"Don't you think you should go to the hospital and let Mike check you and the baby over?" he asked, his slowly subsiding concern resonating in his voice.
"No," she drew back from him, shaking her head with glazed eyes. "I'm okay, really. I think it would be more stressful for me to go to the hospital. Right now I'm tired and I really would just like to take a nap."

John looked over at Mike, who shrugged his acceptance.
"We can't make her go," he admitted. "But I'll only feel comfortable if you promise to let me come over in the morning and give you a thorough check-up. And if you have any more problems, any more *at all* before then, I want you to promise me you'll go straight to the hospital okay?"
"Okay," Marlena nodded her head tiredly.

"And I want you to spend the next few days being careful and resting all right?" Mike tucked his stethoscope back into his bag, thankful that he had had the foresight to bring it up with him.
"All right," Marlena pushed the hair back off her face in a gesture of exhaustion just wishing that Mike would go so that she could relax in peace.

"John, Eugene, if I could just have a word with the two of you?" Mike suggested as Marlena lay back on the sofa, her hands softly stroking her stomach in a gesture of maternal affection.
"Yeah," John glanced at Marlena, and satisfied that she was okay, he stood.

They followed Mike into the kitchen where he turned to face them.
"Look, I don't know what's been going on here, but she's obviously under a lot of strain. You just have to look at the circles under her eyes to see that." He crossed his arms, feeling angry that Marlena was being put under unnecessary stress. "I don't know what you," he pointed at Eugene, "were going to talk to her about, but my suggestion is that you drop it for now. *And*," he added, "you both drop the attitude around each other. Whatever kind a problem you have with each other, it shouldn't be affecting Marlena and right now it's obviously driving her crazy." He frowned as he looked at their sullen faces. "And if you can't keep it out of her face, then stay away from her. For goodness sake, just let her rest and gain some strength. She's going to need it once the babies are born."

Taking a deep breath, he sighed and shook his head. "This is absolutely crazy, you know that?"
"Yeah," John nodded, his conscience pricked by Mike's words. "I know Mike."
"You'll promise me you'll let her rest?" Mike eyed John suspiciously.
"Scouts honour," he managed a feeble smile as he lifted two fingers and saluted the young doctor.

"Okay then," Mike nodded, his shoulders dropping slightly. "I think you should take her upstairs and let her sleep this little scare off for now. And I'll see you in the morning."
"Right," John nodded his appreciation of the doctor's advice.
"Thanks," Q's expression remained neutral and he let the pair of them leave the kitchen.

Mike Horton was right, he had to stay out of the way. He couldn't let his own weakness and stupidity make things any harder for Marlena than they already were. He had been wallowing in self-pity and his self-recriminations were only adding to her load. Even if she wasn't directly aware of his feelings, she probably couldn't help but notice that things weren't the same.

He sighed as he set about cleaning up the cooking ingredients that still littered the bench from earlier in the day. So, he just had to ignore the dreams and the memories and just focus on what they used to have. A good, solid friendship where they were always there to help each other. And he had to accept that she was John's now, and for her sake, he had to learn to be able to get along with John while she was around.

It all sounded so easy..... in theory.....


"Dr. Mike!" Lucie flew down the stairs, but stopped short at the bottom. "Marlena, are you okay?" Her green eyes were imbued with concern as she crossed the room to the sofa. Her fire engine red dress stretched across slender thighs as she crouched down.
"I'm fine Lucie," Marlena had pushed herself upright, but she still looked wan and vulnerable, somehow swamped by the sofa itself.
"Oh come on sugar, you can't fool me," Lucie touched Marlena's hand lightly. "I don't really think that face could fool anybody right now. What happened?"
"She fainted," John sat down on the sofa next to Marlena and slipped a protective arm around her. "And she needs rest, not an inquisition."

"Oh don't fuss John," Marlena batted at his arm irritably. She hated it when he got all overprotective and patronizing. "I'm really okay. It was just a scare, too much excitement I think." Her attempt at a smile failed and she turned to Mike. "They've linked Stefano to Carrie's disappearance."

"Oh no," Mike's shoulder's drooped at the news and he looked visibly distressed.
"Stefano?" Lucie looked interested. "Who's he?"
"Stefano DiMera has been tormenting the people of Salem for longer than most of us would care to remember," Mike answered her question as he held out his hand. Taking it, she stood up. "We had thought he was dead but...." Mike shrugged.
"And this guy had something to do with Carrie and the shooting?" Lucie directed her question at the couple on the couch.
"Seems like it, yeah," John tightened his arm around Marlena as she shivered. "But we're going to get him and we're going to stop him. He won't hurt anybody again. We all have to believe that." He covered Marlena's hand with his own and buried his lips in her sweet golden hair, kissing her lovingly.

"Well I hope so," Lucie shivered suddenly. "If he can do that to Carrie, I'd hate to think what else he was capable of."
"Okay, I think that's enough Lucie," Mike's stomach flipped as he grabbed the young woman's hand. No wonder Marlena's blood pressure had rocketed up, being faced with news like that. And Lucie seemed to be unwittingly making matters worse. "We're heading out of here - I'll see you two in the morning okay?"

"Okay. And thanks Mike," Marlena's eyes emphasized her sincerity as he took John's hand and stood up.
"Bed," Mike pointed at Marlena halfway seriously, his point punctuated by a goofy grin.
"Absolutely," John replied for her as, without warning, he swept Marlena off her feet and up into his arms. Throwing her arms around his neck and holding on for dear life, Marlena allowed herself a giggle.

"Woah Doc, how much does that kid in there weigh?" He pretended to stagger, hoping to cheer her up a little.
"Hey, that's not nice," she swatted him playfully. "I'll get you for that John Black!"
"Well why don't you tell me just what you have in mind upstairs?" John suggested with a wink just for her.

"You two have fun," Lucie encouraged as Mike tugged on her hand.
"Oh and you too," Marlena laughed. "Just remember what I said..."
"Oh, don't worry," Lucie arched an eyebrow in her direction. "I have a photographic memory."

Mike wasn't entirely sure that he was comfortable with the gale of laughter that followed them. He suspected that there was some kind of private joke going on between Lucie and Marlena and he wasn't sure he would like it if he knew what it was. But on the other hand, he mused, if it eased Marlena's mood, then he was all for it.


"Okay baby," John turned his head to Marlena once they were alone. "Let's get you upstairs okay?"
"Mmmm-hmmmm," her head suddenly felt heavy and she leaned it against his firm shoulder, inhaling the sharp, musky scent of him as he climbed the stairs with her in his muscular arms.

"There," he pulled the comforter over her and left a gentle kiss on her forehead.
"Stay with me," she whispered softly. "Please?"
"If you want me to," his words were smooth and rich as she felt his thumb move over her cheek. It was rough against her skin but so wonderfully familiar that it filled her with a sweet and heavy warmth.
"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want you to," she murmured drowsily, trying to keep heavy eyelids from fluttering closed.
"All right then," he shed his shoes and slipped under the covers beside her. "Just for you my love." He smiled at her, his fingers playing with her bangs as he flipped them off her beautiful face.

"Hold me?" her voice was timid and it made his heart skip a beat. She was exhausted and she couldn't hide the uncertainty in her voice. The fear was still there and it wouldn't go away until he dispelled it
"Of course sweetheart," he moved closer to her and she snuggled against him as he wrapped strong arms around her. "It'll be okay Doc, I promise," he whispered into her hair. "We'll make it through this. Together I know we can get through anything. We just have to have faith in our love. We have to trust in its power to get us through anything."

"I love you so much," he could barely hear Marlena, her voice muffled against the cotton of his t-shirt, but he could feel the words, feel her need and he loved her for it.
"I love you too Doc," his lips moved over warm, fragrant hair. "More than I could ever tell you."

Mere words could never express the depth of love he had for her. In this very room the Devil had told him that he loved Marlena so intensely, so deeply.... he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone before. And since. The Devil had been right but he had not counted on their greatest weakness also being their greatest strength.

Bring his hand up to smooth her hair; he stared at the familiar room as her breathing became shallow and regular. If only I had listened to what my heart was telling me then. If only I hadn't let fear and guilt immobilize me, maybe I wouldn't have brought her so much pain. He sighed heavily. Sometimes he wondered why she still loved him, after everything that he had done to her. After the pain he had caused her, after the danger he had put her in, how could he still deserve her love?

He was bad for her he knew that. Maybe she would be better off with someone like Eugene, someone who could give her what she deserved. Not someone who only brought her misery, who couldn't get over his own jealousy and selfishness long enough to take care of her needs.

But he loved her too much to let her go. It wasn't that he hadn't tried. It was simply that she kept coming back to him, that they kept on being drawn back to each other. Their love was just too powerful to deny, too strong to fight the need to be together. It seemed to be fate that they were together. And who was he to argue with fate? He was just a person after all.


******


"So Q," Q2 materialized in full military police uniform, his eyes fatigued and his expression weary, "Stefano has surfaced then?"
"How nice of you to knock Q," Q didn't hold back on the sarcasm. He was getting more than a little sick of Q2 barging in unannounced whenever he felt like it. The rationale that he was there to help somehow didn't make these little tête-à-tête's any more enjoyable and Q felt he could pretty much do without them at this point. And he could certainly do without Q2's smutty innuendo.

"Sorry ol' boy," Q2 slumped down on the sofa. "Hard day at the office you know."
"Oh I'm sure," Q rolled his eyes. "Just let me find my violin will you?"
"Tetchy I see," Q2 raised his eyebrows. Sparring with Q was just the refreshment he needed. "Couldn't have anything to do with the fair Marlena now could it?"
"Don't start with me," Q glared at the unwelcome intruder.
"Oh why not Q? After all, you blush just the most perfect shade of beetroot," Q2 chuckled evilly. "I just have to mention the dishy doc," he laughed again, delight resonating in the sound as he pointed at Q. "See? Right on cue!"

"I realize you get your kicks from trying to torment me Q," Q's lips thinned, "but you don't have more important things to take care of? Like maybe trying to find the renegade Q's?"
"Oh where's your sense of humour ol' boy?" Q2 leaned on one elbow and stared at Q. "You used to be fun. The life of the party. If there was trouble going on, you were at the centre of it. If there were several dozen planets spinning out of orbit, you'd invariably be there, leaning on a hockey stick." He shook his head in disappointment. "Who would have ever believed you could be tamed by a mere mortal? I expected more of you Q."

"So sorry that I didn't live up to your expectations," Q narrowed his eyes. There were really no witty retorts for that. Basically it was true. Before being sent back here he had lived to make trouble. The more havoc he created basically, the better. To see beings scurrying around to avert one Q-created disaster after another had given him great pleasure. But somehow now, that all seemed so pointless. So juvenile.

He had found real joy and happiness and even though he might have lost it, he would never forget how good it felt. And he didn't want to go back to being that same Q that he had been before Marlena's influence.

"Well," Q2 shrugged, suddenly growing tired of the jesting. Things were too serious for that. Things were getting out of hand and they needed to put a stop to it. "What do you know about Stefano DiMera?"
"The police think he had Carrie Brady," Q leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "They found prints."
"Why would DiMera leave prints?" Q2's brow furrowed. "He could wipe that area clean with a simple thought. Why would he leave evidence that he was there?"
"And on something so obvious as a credit card?" Q added thoughtfully. "It's almost like he planted them there to be left behind."
"Or someone else did...." Q2 leaned back and unbuckled his helmet, pulling it off and letting his fine blonde hair flop free.

Q frowned, mulling it over for a few minutes.
"No, I know Stefano, or at least I knew him," he blinked rapidly as he tried to piece together the puzzle in his mind. "This is very him. He likes to play mind games with people. He's leaving clues, evidence that he is close, within striking distance. He wants John and Marlena to know that he is near. That he's waiting for the right time...."
"To do what?" Q2 stretched his arms along the back of the sofa, revealing a tear in one arm of his uniform.
"Well, that's the question," Q raised his eyebrows as he looked at his visitor, "and one that I would have thought the Continuum would be...." He paused, surprise registering as he looked closely at Q2. "What exactly *has* the Continuum been doing lately?"

"Uh well..." Q2 looked a little abashed, "you see it's kinda been a little hectic lately."
"And how would that be?" Q asked with a hint of amusement. This was the first time in a while he had actually had the upper hand with Q2 and he wasn't about to let it slip away unnoticed. "Surely you're not telling me that things are a little out of *control* Q?"

"Of course not -" the words tumbled out a little too quickly but Q2 caught himself and puffed his chest out in a show of bravado. "You are starting to show many human traits Q. Jumping to conclusions is one of them."
"Hit a nerve did I?" Q asked with a grin. "My, my Q, discomposure isn't really your colour."
"Oh, *please*," Q2 laughed but the sound was forced, "overactive imagination is obviously another."
"Come now Q, you turn up here with a torn uniform, so unlike your sartorial self, you look tired and let's face it," Q raised his eyebrows, "you're not exactly on top of your game are you?"

Q2 took a breath, looking for a sarcastic reply, but suddenly realized that he didn't have the energy to play this game any longer.
"It's the renegade faction," he answered Q in a small voice, "they're causing more trouble than we expected."
"How do you mean?" Q was thrown by Q2.'s sudden mood change. Things must really be going wrong if Q2 wasn't up to a verbal jousting match.

"They've started skirmishes, they're running guerilla missions into the continuum," Q2 sighed heavily, "they're out of control. There have been some serious casualties."
"And this is in aid of...?" Q raised his eyebrows.
"We don't know," Q leaned over his knees, his arms crossed across them. "We've had too much on our plate just trying to defend ourselves."
"It's that serious?" Q wondered exactly what this meant. Was it simply coincidence, or was this a diversionary tactic?

"It's serious enough," Q2 pursed his lips. "Have you made any progress in tracking down any Q in Salem?"
"Nothing definitive," Q shrugged uncomfortably. He had a feeling that they were close. Maybe so close that he could reach out and touch them. But they were obviously powerful and they could hide the truth of their Q identity from him as long as they wanted to. Maybe indefinitely. And until he could find a way to see past the veil that they were holding up, he was in the proverbial dark with this one. "What do you think this is all about?"
"Somehow they are keeping all this information from us," the blonde Q pushed himself up from the couch and paced across the room. "But with an educated guess, I'd say that this is a good way of keeping the Continuum occupied while Stefano and his cronies set their plans in motion."
"Their plans being?" Q asked.
"That's what you need to work out Q old fellow."


******


Marlena's breathing was soft and regular, as John held her close. She was warm, and the soft scent of her perfume lingered seductively on her skin. If he could freeze this moment, suspend a single fragment of time so that it stretched into eternity, he would forever be happy and blessed. Never to doubt, never to shed another tear; just to hold her in his arms, tender and devoted, and to love her. He couldn't want for anything more.

But, this was reality, and once second flowed after another. Consistent. Inevitable. Unforgiving.

There would be tears. That was just a fact of life. But not tonight. It wasn't a thought he wanted to contemplate right now. Mike had insisted that Marlena must rest, that she not be put under any additional emotional pressure. And John couldn't agree more.

All thoughts of their aborted conversation had fled his mind when he had seen Marlena's waxen complexion as she lay motionless on the sofa. He couldn't tell her. It was selfish to want to, especially when she was already suffering so much with Carrie and the knowledge that Kristen was so unbalanced. And now, the thought of Stefano being so close....

He was barely aware of his arms tightening around her as his thoughts tumbled along random paths. Stefano. Harbinger of doom. He was like some kind of evil sprite, trailing death and devastation as he plundered that which he coveted. Or those, *whom*.

He looked again at the woman who lay sleeping in his arms, her smooth skin so pale that it was almost translucent in the silvered half-dark.
"God I love you Doc," he whispered deeply before he trailed his lips across her forehead. She shivered lightly in his arms and he wondered what she was dreaming. "Something happy," his voice was a shade above a murmur as his thumb drew an invisible line over her cheekbone. She should be happy, he wanted so much for her to be happy. That's all he had ever wanted.....

In her sleep, Marlena whimpered gently, the muscles in her fists clenching below the covers. In her dreams there was no happiness. Happiness remained ever elusive, stolen from her by a myth.

Death. Fire. And obsidian eyes, glimmering with cruelty....




No-one Can Hear You Scream in Salem


*NO!*

The tiny hand slips from hers as it is snatched away into the darkness.

- No, please! Give me my baby back! *Please*!

Her voice echoes into the yawning void. She is alone, freezing, bereft. Reaching forward, she feels around her clumsily. But there is nothing. Each step in the dark is a step of nothingness. A measure of futility.

- Someone help me!!

A sound comes out of the darkness. A strident, discordant cackle. The laugh of the valkyries. It reeks of insanity.

- Who is it?

Her voice is uncertain. It holds no illusions of what the answer will be.

No reply is forthcoming, but suddenly her eyes are assaulted by dazzling light. She holds her hands in front of her face, trying to ward off the intensity of the vicious brightness.

- Where is my baby?

- You will never see them again....

The whisper sends chills coursing through her and she shivers with dread. She forces her eyes open and looks desperately around her.

She is in a huge white room. The walls seem to go forever. The walls, that are not walls. Pushing on one, she finds herself being sucked into a corridor and she struggles to pull herself free of the web. She is terrified.

- JOHN! Where are you?

The laugh comes again, but this time it is echoed by a deeper, familiar laugh. A laugh that curdles her blood in her veins. A laugh that makes her want to empty her stomach until there is nothing left.

The terror is rising as she realizes it is dark again. Feeling her way along one moist, clammy wall, her heart thumps desperately in her chest. She has to find him. The baby. John. *Anyone*.

An anguished grunt sounds in the darkness and she freezes. Freezes as the cool wall is interrupted by...a warm stickiness. Freezes as she realizes the sound comes from her own body. Her heart jumps into her throat as her hands feel the sodden lump. The oozing tackiness already drying on her fingers.

And suddenly the light is back, blinding, disorienting.

She stumbles backwards and a moan dies in her throat as she looks up. The shape, the drenched mass is Eugene.

Was Eugene.

He is pinned to the wall in a garish mockery of a crucifixion, unseeing eyes staring straight at her. Blood drips from his toes, the legacy of deep, fatal slashes. It pools on the startlingly white floor. Fire and ice.

She stumbles back against the opposite wall, losing what is left of her last meal as she stares, horrified. She is shaking and her body feels like it is filled with frozen water. The blood on her hands smears artlessly against the snowiness. She doesn't know how to move on.

- Marlena.

The voice beckons her and for a moment she fools herself.

- John? Oh John!

She stumbles away from the carnage that was her sweet Gene and runs desperately, faltering only when the tears blur her vision so much that she cannot see.

Rounding the corner, she stops short, her face contorting with terror and sheer horror.

- *NOOOOOOOOOO!!!*

John is propped up against one wall like some kind of discarded scarecrow, his head twisted away from her at an unnatural angle. With a wail of anguish, she falls to her knees beside him and with futile hope still burning inside her, she turns his head towards her. But his eyes are dull, the blueness has already faded to a dirty gray and his skin is cooling.

- Oh God, no. No, *NO*, NOOOOOOOOO

Her sobbing lengthens into desolate screams and she pulls him into his arms, cradling his lifeless body with her own. She wants to die herself. She feels like her heart has been ripped away from her as he has, and she is left with nothing but agony and barrenness.

She buries her face in his hair and sobs her heart out, the aching carving through her soul like a scythe. How can she live without him? How can she? What is the point?

- Ah, my dear Marlena.

Her muscles harden against John's limp body at the sound of that voice. That chillingly malevolent voice. Of course it was him. He did this. He has finally taken John from her. And now he wants to gloat.

Her tears dry on her face as she fights to contain the fury that she feels. She wants to reach into his body and tear his heart out with her bare hands. If he *had* a heart. She wants to see him burn in Hell; she wants to see him suffer as he has made her suffer. Death is too good for one as evil as Stefano.

- I assure you my dear, your tears will not bring him back

The voice is cold and cruel. It reminds her of the jaws of a trap. Spring-loaded. Merciless. Slowly she looks up and his eyes threaten to swallow her whole. They are bottomless pits of unadulterated hell and she shudders as they sweep possessively over her. It is then that she realizes that he is holding something.

A baby.

- Congratulations *Doc*. Kristen steps out from behind him. - They look like John, don't you think?

- Give me back my babies Her voice is low but threatening.

- Oh no, no, no. Stefano shakes his head. - I think you misunderstand the situation Marlena. You have no right to make demands. John is dead. Eugene is dead. There is no one left to save you

He ignores the look of panic that flashes in her eyes and he turns to hand the baby he holds to Kristen.

- You see, Kristen will be bringing up your children. Belle and Brady too. And you my dear..... he smiles proprietarily and Marlena thinks she might throw up again. - You are mine. At last and for ever.

- NO!

She struggles up from John's body and lunges at Kristen but Stefano catches her in burly arms as Kristen steps calmly backwards.

- No, I won't let you, you can't do this, you can't!

She struggles ineffectually against Stefano's iron grasp, tears streaming down her face as Kristen turns around and walks away.

- No! *Damn* you Stefano, *DAMN* you!

- No my dear, I think that is your fate.

His hot fetid breath caresses her neck and she doubles over, retching......

Marlena's eyes snapped open, the gasp choked in her throat. John was asleep beside her, his arms around her, but she needed space, needed air and she pushed him away as she sat up, struggling to fill parched, desperate lungs.

Her eyes flew around the room as she frantically tried to establish in her mind that she was in fact at home, in bed. *This* was reality, not that horror that her mind had created. The clock glowed a gentle red, telling her that it was some twelve minutes after midnight but her racing mind couldn't take that in. It was too busy trying to fight off the images of the dream that battered her.

Gene.... John.... *Death*.....

"Doc?" John looked up at her, bleary eyed, but she was too busy concentrating on trying to control the nausea. Saliva streamed over her tongue and she clamped her hand across her mouth as she scrambled out of bed. "Doc, baby are you okay?" His voice followed her into the bathroom as she crumpled to her knees in front of the toilet and let the nausea wash over her.

Hearing the retching from the bathroom, John's concern multiplied and he threw the covers back. Finding her exactly as he had envisaged, he crouched down behind he. His heart aching with love for her, he gently swept her hair back behind her neck and held her as she vomited, the bitter smell burning his nose and turning his own stomach.

When she had finally finished, he helped her move to sit against the vanity. Then, rinsing a washcloth in warm water he used it to wipe her face with concerned tenderness.

"Sweetheart, I thought the morning sickness was over." He held a clammy hand in his as he tried to catch her averted eyes. "It is," her voice was hollow and strained. "Well than, what....??" he shook his head. "Do you think it's a virus?" "No," she shook her head, sniffing miserably as she felt her body began to shake with shock and cold.

She could feel John's eyes drilling into her, wanting to know what was wrong. She couldn't blame him. She had frightened him half to death earlier on in the evening and now this....

"I had a bad dream," she relented slightly, trying to pacify his fears. "A dream?" He frowned, his brow puckering with worry. This wasn't like her. After everything she had been through, it was only natural that she should have nightmares, but to send her to the bathroom in the middle of the night?? "Doc that must have been one hell of a nightmare to have you in here in this state. What was it about?"

"I don't want to talk about it," her body tensed as she spat out the words. Talking about it would be tantamount to reliving it and she didn't want to go there again. The fear and the terror were too fresh, too real to even contemplate and her mind skittered away from them. The residual memories of the dream would surely fade soon if only she could think about something else.

"But baby don't you think it would be better if you did talk about it? Maybe it would help allay some of your fears if you say them out loud?" John suggested gently. He wasn't sure that was the truth, but it sounded good right now. "*No*!" Her retort was violent and she pushed herself away from him, struggling to her feet.

Her reaction, her refusal to talk to him set John's alarm bells ringing as he watched her set her hands on the counter top and lean over the sink, taking deep breaths. Why wouldn't she want to talk to him? Unless.....

"Was the dream about Eugene?" the words sounded like a demand as they left his mouth, seemingly before they had even passed through his mind.
"I beg your pardon?" Marlena blinked in amazement, her frazzled mind trying to follow his reasoning.
"Uh, I'm sorry," he shook his head, realizing how idiotic he was being. She was so distressed she was vomiting and all he could think about was himself and his own stupid jealousy. What kind of a jerk did that make him? "It's late Doc, I didn't mean it like it sounded."

"Well how exactly did you mean it John?" Marlena turned on the tap and splashed cold water over her face as she waited for his answer. The resentment bubbled below the surface as his words echoed in her mind. She couldn't even believe he had said that. And whatever he might say to try and worm his way out of it, she knew exactly what he meant.

"I know you're worried about how offhand Eugene has been lately. I thought maybe..." he trailed off, knowing how lame that cover was. Reaching out tentatively, he laid his hand on her arm. "C'mon sweetheart, I think you should get back to bed, you're shivering."

Marlena shrugged his touch off as she lifted her head, eyes brimming with anger and fear. She could either have this out with him now, confront the problems they were having, deal with his obvious jealousy of Eugene or ......

"I want to brush my teeth." She accepted his sidestep, knowing it took him away from asking her about her dream again. For now. She couldn't deal with any more emotional stress tonight. As much as she knew they had to get this out in the open, she was just too strung out and emotionally fragile now. She couldn't deal with accusations and pain and anger. She had lost him once tonight in a dream that was so terrifyingly haunting that she wasn't sure she could close her eyes again without seeing it play across the inside of her eyelids. She couldn't even contemplate fighting with him on top of that. "You go back to bed, I'll be out shortly."

"I don't want to leave you," his voice was soft and filled with worry and Marlena suddenly found herself touched by his genuine devotion. They didn't need to fight tonight. They didn't need to be angry or scared. They simply needed to hold each other, to feel each other's love.

"I'm okay," her voice softened and a smile touched her lips as she lifted her eyes to his beautiful blue ones for the first time since she had woken. The sight of him, of his worried face brought tears to her eyes and the words were stifled slightly in her throat "Really I am. I just need a few minutes okay?"

"Well.....If you're sure..." he cupped her cheek with his hand, "I'm just worried Doc, after this afternoon and everything that's been going on. I just..." he shook his head, unable to voice the words. I just couldn't bear it if anything happened to you....
"I know you are," she slid her fingers along the back of his hand, suddenly enjoying the feel of his calloused palm against her cool skin. How could she stay angry at him? She loved him too much to stay bitter and hurt. And she had far too much invested in this relationship to let anything come between them. "I'll be right out, I promise."


******

"Gene."

Her voice is silky and supple and it winds in velvet threads around my body. Ensnaring me. Bewitching me.

I fight to keep my eyes closed, to ignore her. But that voice makes it impossible.

"Gene, baby open your eyes." I feel her touch against my skin, cool and maddening. My eyes flicker open, betraying my will. "That's my boy." It's that voice again. Honey and champagne and velvet. Throaty and sweet.

I love her so much. I *want* her so much.

She smiles and wets her lips with a sensual sweep of her tongue. She reminds me of a cat with the move and I am struck by the fragment of a memory that I cannot quite recall.

"Do you want me baby?" she drifts a hand over the crumpled covers and my muscles twitch beneath her wandering fingers. "Do you want to make love to me?"
"*No*!" I choke on the lie. Of course I want to make love to her. What kind of a fool would I be if I didn't?

She looks unbelievably sexual in a gauzy white robe that is nanometers away from being transparent. But I can see the outline of her body, lush curves bathed in the golden glow that comes from the doorway. Every inch of her was made to be cherished and adored. I want her so much I can hardly breathe.

She seems to notice my discomfort and takes advantage of my distraction, drawing the covers back.
"Oh Gene." She smiles her approval, her eyes speaking of her amusement at my futile attempt to rebuff her. I swallow as her fingers trail lightly down over my chest and belly. "You should know by now that you can't lie to me. I know how you feel. I know how you ache to hold me. To make love to me." Her eyes glow strangely amber. "I know."

"Why?" My voice is hoarse as I snatch the sheet and pull it up. This feels too real; it's almost frightening. She's Marlena, but somehow, she's not Marlena. And I don't want this, but God, I *do*. I want to hold her and feel her moving against me.... "Why are you doing this to me Marlena? Why can't you let me be?"

Her lips curled up into a half smile as she leans forward, golden cleavage tantalizingly close.
"Because you don't want me to."


******

Marlena stood in the bathroom and regarded herself in the mirror. She was feeling better now, but she knew she wasn't going to get to sleep in any hurry. The thought of closing her eyes and finding her way back into that dream was too terrifying to envisage.

Shivering again, she realized that at some point in the evening, John had removed her dungarees and she was simply wearing a shirt and panties now.
"Not exactly very sexy Marlena," she murmured with a slight smile.

Quickly discarding her shirt, along with her bra and panties, she lifted a sheer white robe off the back of the door.
"Well, sheer enough," she said to her reflection as she knotted the silky sash around her full waist.

She wasn't huge yet. In fact she still looked quite small considering how big the baby was but she wasn't overly keen on the way her body was burgeoning daily. Still, John didn't seem to have a problem with it. Actually he seemed to like it, and the way he looked at her and touched her made her feel incredibly sexy. And she could do with a little of his sweet tenderness right now. She could do with feeling his arms around her, his mouth on hers. Maybe his touch, the reality of his warm body moving with hers could help erase the horror of the dream. It was worth a try anyway.


******

"C'mon baby," she moistens a finger with her tongue and then draws the tip of her finger along my lower lip. I can't help the moan that bolts from my body at the slightest of touches. It takes everything I have just to lie there, frozen. If I was to move I would surely give in. If that's not already inevitable.

A question echoes through my head. *If this is a dream then why are you resisting?* It's a good question and one I have no answer for, except to say that this no longer feels like a dream. It feels more like a nightmare.

She sits on the edge of the bed and before I can stop her, her hand burrows under the covers and a whimper escapes me as she finds what she is looking for.

"There baby," her hand moves gently and she smiles, knowing that she has me. "Does that feel good?"

"Ohhh," I can't say anything else, I can't fight her any longer. Now I can think of nothing but how warm she is and how she will feel as I enter her.

"Oh, there's my boy," she whispers with a triumphant smile as she moves away to pull on the silken sash of her robe.

The filmy garment falls open, revealing her lithe figure as she straddles my stomach. I reach up to touch her but she catches my wrists in strong fingers.
"Oh no Q baby," she says with a wanton smile, "you can look, but don't touch." She snaps her fingers and suddenly I'm bound, my hands again knotted with cream silk scarves to the headboard.

"You see," she sighs lightly, "this is how it's always going to be. Close, but never quite close enough for you." She leans over and flicks a hot tongue over a nipple and I groan with the pain of needing her. She leans over me, her mouth only inches from mine. "You'll always be wanting me, even as you are seeing me with John. Even as you know that I am making love to him." Her teeth catch my lower lip and I gasp with the pain and the agony of her teasing. "I'm making love to him right now you know." She smiles, lips pink and full. "He's tasting me, touching me......wouldn't you like to be doing that to me baby?" She raises her eyebrows.

"God, yes, *please*!" my hips strain upwards, desperate and needy.
"What was that?" the robe rides down over her shoulders as she sits up.
"Please Marlena, *please*," I will beg if she wants me to. I will do anything.

Without a word, she pulls the robe up over her shoulders and ties the sash around her waist. Then she runs her fingers through her hair.
"Well, I guess now's as good a time to get used to it as any huh baby?" She smiles almost viciously as she climbs off the bed. Seeing my confused stare, she runs her fingers over my lips again with a knowing smile. "You can look, but you can't touch. You want me but baby, but you know, you just can't have me."

"I....." I shake my head in utter disbelief. This really *is* a nightmare. She comes to seduce me, only to leave me wanting and desperate?
"Oh Gene," she shakes her head with an amused smile, her eyes green and hard. "You really are quite pathetic. You're a great lay, but baby you need to work on that personality. Maybe if you weren't quite such a loser I wouldn't have been so desperate to go back to John."

I swallow, feeling downright sick to the stomach. But it doesn't stop the blood that pounds with a violent need for her.
"Does this mean you'll leave me alone now?" I ask, wondering why I should believe what my dream is saying to me. But I do. Because she's right. I do want her, she is John's and I *am* utterly pathetic.

"Oh no," she shakes her head with laughter. "Baby, you and I have too much fun together. I enjoy making you squirm far too much and occasionally," she winks naughtily, "I like it when you make me squirm."

"*No*," I shake my head desperately as I try to pull my hands from their bindings. This is totally out of control. It's almost as if my dreams are purposefully tormenting me. How the hell can I even look at Marlena in the morning after envisaging this?

"Shall I untie you Gene?" she whispers. "What would you do if I did? Would you pin me against the wall? Would you take me by force?" She licks her lips again and shrugs, her robe falling half open. "Does the thought of that turn you on baby?"

"No, no, *NO*." I squeeze my eyes tightly closed, ashamed of the fact that I want her any way I can get her. It is as though she can see to the darkest recesses of my being, teasing out the fears and the desires. I want to bury myself inside her and I can't persuade myself that she's wrong. That I wouldn't take her by force. She's driving me half out of my mind and I can't be sure of anything any more. Except that I hate myself for not having the strength to refuse her. Even in a dream.

She draws feather-light fingers down the exposed inside of my arm.
"No baby, you don't have any say in this. As long as you're around me, wanting me....I'm never going to stop tempting you. You're never going to stop remembering how I feel moving on top of you. You'll never stop imagining how it would be to be inside me again...." She smiles, her golden hair glowing with the illumination from the hallway. "It will *never* stop...."


"*No*!" Q came to consciousness fighting off his blankets, struggling in blind panic as he tried to free himself. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he leaned over, trembling uncontrollably in the cool night air.

"shit!" he pressed his face into his hands as though it would smother the demons that lurked. Just waiting to pounce. His body still burned with desire, still hungry for release and he couldn't banish the vision of Marlena in her gossamer gown, no matter how hard he tried. And she was right. This was never going to end unless he could get away from her. Their friendship lay in tatters because of his weakness and he was going to lose his mind if he couldn't stop tormenting himself like this.

Opening roughened eyes, he looked down. His expression dawned as one of surprise and his heart thumped soundly in his chest as he reached down to pick up the cream silk scarf that lay in a crumpled pile on the floor....


******

"Doc!" John opened his eyes as he felt Marlena climb onto the bed. His surprise was exacerbated as he found that she was wearing little more than a flimsy lace and chiffon robe.

With a teasing smile, she swung one leg over him, settling herself so that she straddled his hips.
"Hi baby," she said in a throaty undertone.
"Doc?" his voice was hoarse as she untied the sash that closed the robe around her heavy waist. "Honey, do you think this is a good idea with everything..."
"I think it's an extremely good idea. *Because* of everything." She let the robe fall open and John lifted his hands to her rounded hips.
"Sweetheart -"
"Shhhh," she touched her finger to his lips. "I need to feel you John. I need you to touch me and move with me. I need you to make love to me so that I can forget all the horror that's in the world. Just for tonight." Her hazel eyes glowed as she made her plea. "Please baby?"

When he didn't answer, she leaned over and brushed her lips gently over his. John's hands rose and his fingers tangled in her disheveled hair as he pulled her into a long, demanding kiss. His tongue dipped between her lips and she moaned lightly as her fingers traced the lines of the muscles in his arms.

Sitting up, she let the robe fall from her shoulders. With the white fabric pooling around her wrists, she smoothed exploratory fingers over his chest. Circling a finger around one hardened nipple, she smiled as he closed his eyes and moaned.
"That's it baby," she whispered. "Tonight is just about you and me and how we feel about each other. Nothing else matters but you and me."

It was like a kick in the gut and John's jaw hardened as the words echoed in his mind. Not so very different from words he had heard her say before. Now it's honest, it's just you and I and how we feel about each other. And that's very special. Words he had heard her say. But not to him.

He opened his eyes and he was immediately struck by how much she looked like she had *that* night. As she had in the memory that had haunted him, tormented him a thousand times since.

Scarlet lips. Tousled hair. An air of abandonment that almost frightened him.

His body wanted her, he couldn't deny that. But even at the same time, his mind recoiled at the thought. The thought that she wanted to use sex as a means of escape once again. The thought that she had said the same words, in the same bed to another man. The knowledge that she had screamed Eugene Bradford's name as he pounded into her ..... right here in this bed.

John felt ill and furious and a thousand other emotions all rolled into one. It was as thought all the jealousy and resentment he had been harboring came back to haunt him, culminating in one single moment of overwhelming anger and revulsion. His body burned with uncontrollable rage as she moved her hands over him. It was as though his entire being became engulfed in the tide of pain, anger and bitterness that he had been denying and holding inside for so long. And that wave swept all reason before it, swept every last vestige of restraint and logic into oblivion before it.

How the f*ck could he compete with a demi-god? How could he ever make Marlena sob in ecstasy like that? How could he stop his skin crawling every time he thought about the way their love had been defiled? How could he pretend that everything was all right when every time he closed his eyes he saw her making love to another man?

All the little looks, the touches he had seen, her anguish at Gene's distance, her searching for his comforting reassurance this afternoon, rang in John's mind. He couldn't ignore it any more. Couldn't ignore the disgust and jealousy that burned inside him. Couldn't deny the fact that he *hated* Eugene for it and doubted Marlena because of it.

He just couldn't.....

"*No*," it was little more than a croak, but he left her in no doubt of his meaning as he grabbed her wrists roughly in his and pulled his body out from underneath her. "John?" tears filled her eyes as she turned to watch him stalk to the window. This wasn't supposed to happen. What had gone wrong? What was he angry about now?

She just couldn't take this any more. Couldn't take the way he made her feel when he brushed her off as though she didn't matter. As though her fears were nothing more than neurotic wonderings. This was real and she *had* to know what it was about. "John, what's wrong? For God's sake, tell me what I did?"

"There's no point in discussing it," he growled angrily. She wasn't supposed to be under any emotional stress but dammit, he had hit breaking point and he couldn't pretend any longer.
"No *point*?" she shook her head, her face pale and anguished.. "John do you think I'm an idiot? Would you tell me what the hell is going on with you?"

"Don't ask questions Marlena if you're not prepared to answer them yourself," he returned pointedly. She had her secrets so she would just have to accept that he had his. And live with it.

"What!?" She shook her head, slipping off the bed as she pulled the robe around her shoulders. "What the hell is the point of us being together if you won't tell me how you feel? Something's obviously hurting you, making you angry. Please, *please* tell me what it is." The ache in her chest magnified as he turned away from her, his words hollowing out her soul. The sight of his back was like a slap in the face and she shrank back unconsciously as she clutched at the dresser next to her.

"I can't talk about this, I need to get a drink." John couldn't talk about it. If he started he wasn't sure he'd be able to stop. And feeling like he did, that would be a very bad thing for both of them. The last thing they needed was more pain and recrimination.

No, it was better to remove himself from the temptation of envy and rage for the moment.

"John-" she reached out to stop him, but he was already out of her reach, grabbing a robe from over the back of the chaise lounge and pulling it on over broad shoulders.

With an anguished sob, she watched him stride from the room, leaving his anger behind him, palpably unavoidable. She couldn't leave it like this. She couldn't bear fighting with him, but she couldn't go on like this any more. Couldn't handle his mood swings and the uncertainty of a future with this kind of tension. No matter how painful, they had to talk about this tonight.

Knotting her robe around her middle, she ran after him.





Midnight Combat

John pushed stiff fingers into the pockets of the robe as he took the stairs heavily, two at a time. He couldn't believe he had done that, just walked out on Marlena like that. It wasn't that he had intended to do it. He wanted nothing more than to take her to bed and pretend that everything was right with the world. But what it came down to was that he just couldn't do that any more. There *was* something wrong. Something badly wrong and he just wasn't sure if anything that came out of his mouth could possibly *not* make matters worse right now.

It wasn't that he *wanted* to feel like this. He loved Marlena *so* much. More than life itself. But that wasn't enough to stop him from feeling angry and betrayed. Somehow, as much as he tried to avoid it, he seemed to be faced at every turn with memories and reminders of the past. Almost as if someone were taunting him, getting inside his head and driving him half mad with jealousy. And as time went on, it became more and more difficult to deny the fact that he was being torn apart by the knowledge of what had happened. What she had done....

His jaw clenched tightly as he crossed the living room in long, angry strides. He might not *want* to feel like this, but the fact was, he *did*. She had made love to Eugene in the same bed and it didn't seem to phase her one bit. She had professed to love John and then with the merest of provocations, she had turned to another man, turning her back on her feelings, on their love.

And now, she acted as though it didn't matter that Eugene was still here. Living under the same roof, sharing meals, sharing laughter. Sharing more of her life than John was able to right now. Didn't she understand, or even care about how hard that was? It seemed to him that it hadn't even occurred to her that there was a problem here. That there might be a conflict.

But then, he knew well enough that frustrated friends and family had proclaimed her the queen of denial more than once. In fact he had faced her down on several occasions when she refused to see what was totally obvious. Their fight about Stefano at the sanitarium the other day was a classic example. That was her modus operandi, to stick her head in the sand and pretend the problem didn't exist.

So maybe she didn't see it, because she didn't want to see it. Because it was too much for her to deal with. But that didn't stop him feeling hurt and angry and jealous. In fact, it made it worse. Because even she if she *was* in denial, but he knew, better than anyone that it didn't make the problem go away.

How did she think it made him feel to watch her turn to Eugene Bradford when she was frightened about *their* baby? How much was he supposed to take anyway, before he lost his perspective completely?

He neared the kitchen, completely focused on his thoughts. It wasn't until he was in the doorway that he realized that the darkened kitchen was already occupied.

The subject of his jealous deliberations was standing with hands spread against the cool counter top, a tall glass of clear liquid between them. His head hung over the drink and he seemed to be struggling for breath.

John couldn't tell from his viewpoint what was going on and when it came down to it, he really didn't want to know. He really just wanted to forget that Eugene Bradford had ever come back into their lives. That he had moved into Marlena's life, her house and her bed. And maybe even her heart. After all, John had heard her tell Eugene she loved him. And Marlena wasn't the kind of woman to lie about her feelings. So where did that put them all anyway?

The truth of the matter was that he couldn't forget. And he *certainly* wasn't going to forget when he couldn't even come downstairs in the middle of the night for a glass of water without running into the man.

He watched as Q picked up the glass and sculled the contents in long, thirsty gulps and he felt his teeth crack as they ground together. He wasn't sure he had ever felt this much hatred for someone other than Stefano. And at this point, he didn't even care if Eugene deserved it or not. He resented his intrusion, his constant presence and his overblown sincerity. And he hated the man for taking advantage of Marlena when she was at her weakest moment. A moment where she should have come to *him* to ask him what was going on instead of taking the easy way out and burying her pain in a doomed fling with a so-called *friend*.

The black emotions poured through John, as he stood ostensibly impassive, glaring at his rival with stormy eyes. The fact that he was here, right now, once more in the way, simply served to crystallize the feelings that John had upstairs. The bitterness and resentment tumbled through his body like blood pounding through tight veins. He couldn't hide it any more. Didn't *want* to hide it.

He *wanted* Eugene Bradford to know how much he despised him for what he had done to Marlena. And more than that even, he wanted Marlena to know how much he hurt, how much what she had done was tearing him apart. A grunt of disgust that originated somewhere inside John's soul bubbling up through his constricted throat and sounding before he knew that he had made it.

Startled, Q turned quickly to find John scowling at him, and his stomach sank, even as his face flamed scarlet in the darkness. What the hell was John doing down here in the middle of the night?

Whatever the reason, the way he was glowering gave Q the horrible feeling that somehow John knew about the dreams. Knew that he couldn't stop lusting after Marlena. Couldn't stop dreaming about making love to her. Couldn't stop......

"John!" Marlena appeared behind John and caught hold of his arm breathlessly. "Please, *please*, we have to talk." The distress in her voice was unmistakable. And everything from her disheveled hair to the despair in her eyes echoed that fact. But to John the agony on Eugene's face was even more evident as his eyes moved guiltily to Marlena.

Eugene felt for a moment as though his heart had stopped beating. As though time had simply spun into hyper meltdown, dissolving in sludge around them, even as he stood staring, with his mouth hanging open.

She's wearing the robe! His heart pounded out a staccato rhythm like a hyperactive machine gun. If it wasn't the robe she had been wearing in his dream earlier, then it was damn near a perfect replica.

He shook his head, squeezing his eyes closed tightly willing her to go away. Willing it all to go away. Maybe this was just a continuation of his nightmare and he would wake up in a moment, safe in his own bed. But really, he knew that wasn't about to happen. The throbbing pain in his temples gave that away if nothing else.

What the *hell* was he thinking about a *replica*? It was a *dream* dammit. A dream. But a dream so real it left him sweating and desperate for more. A dream so real that he could still feel her lips burning against his skin. A dream so real that a silk scarf had materialized beside his bed.....

His world was spinning as he opened his eyes. She was still there but she was so engaged in beseeching John to talk to her that she seemed to have barely noticed his presence. Which was about the only blessing he could hope for at the moment since he was somewhere between bursting into an inferno of mortification and shame, and passing out cold, as his head spun ever faster.

Gotta get....out....gotta....get...out...go.. tta...get....

He couldn't stay here a moment longer. If he did he knew that she would notice him and she would know..... And he couldn't bear that. Things were bad enough as it was. He had to get out of here now.

Taking as deep a breath as he could, he called on all the reserves he had and blindly headed for the kitchen door, brushing roughly past Marlena as he did.

To John, it was as though he was watching a movie that was playing in slow-motion and he watched Marlena turn, half-stunned that Eugene had actually been there and shaken that he had passed by her so brusquely without a word. She looked at his receding back and then turned to John again. Tears filled her eyes as she found the accusing look that she had been dreading. Flicking her eyes rapidly to where Gene had now vanished, she looked back to John, the tears sliding down her cheeks a testament to her utter frustration and agony.

"I can't take this!" Her fists curled into tight balls as she faced John, the turmoil she was experiencing plain to see. "I can't deal with this any more. From either of you," she choked back a sob, feeling as if her heart was breaking as he stood there, stonily silent. "It's tearing me apart and nobody will tell me what the *hell* is going on."

"I can't quite believe you even have to *ask* Marlena." He hadn't intended to turn on her like that and it was like listening to a stranger as the words tumbled viciously from his lips. Thoughts whirled through the maelstrom that had invaded his mind. His anger at her 'naïveté', his hatred for Eugene and everything he stood for, and overlaying everything, the knowledge that this was the last thing he should be doing.

Mere hours ago he had been with Mike Horton in this kitchen. Listening to the Doctor tell him that he needed to keep his problems with Eugene away from Marlena. She didn't need this tension; she didn't need to fight with him. It couldn't do anything but make things worse. He knew that almost too well. But somehow the devil that whispered to him incessantly had hold of his temper and seemed to be inflaming it with every second that went by. The memory of Q's eyes as he saw Marlena. The sight of her in a state of half-undress. The memories that still haunted him, the wildness in her eyes, and the desire in her voice. It was too much and he couldn't stop, no matter how hard he tried to hold back the words that spilled forth.

His indigo eyes appraised her coldly as he uttered the words he had been holding in so long. Words that could destroy so much. "I mean you walk in here in that flimsy robe and your ex-lover turns crimson and looks as though he wishes the ground would swallow him up. I would have thought it was pretty obvious what was going on."

"What?" Marlena's face paled as she tried to make sense of his angry words. Her mind, still numbed and struggling with the repercussions of her nightmare didn't seem to want to grasp his evident implications. Alarm bells were ringing, but somehow she just couldn't seem to connect the dots. Maybe she just didn't want to. Because the look on his face brought back Sami's words from the other day, words with consequences which could play out devastatingly.

Doesn't John even have a *small* problem with that? Sami's voice echoed in her ears and the baby wakened fretfully within her as John stared at her defiantly. She laid a hand on her stomach as a brief thrill of fear trembled over her chilled skin. She was frightened, frightened for her baby and for John. And most of all, for her family. Because whatever happened between them tonight, it was becoming more and more apparent, the trigger of John's Jekyll and Hyde temper was Eugene.

"Oh come on *Marlena*." John, oblivious to the connections Marlena was making in her mind, crossed the floor to where Eugene had been standing, hurling her name at her, almost like an insult. "Do you wander around in see-through negligees all the time? No wonder the poor bastard can't get over you if that's the case."

"John that's not *fair*!" The moisture on Marlena's cheeks glistened a ghostly green from the reflected neon of the microwave. "It's the middle of the night and I was coming after *you*. I didn't know he was down here."
"But he *was* here. And that's the problem isn't it?" John said angrily, unable to help himself, even though this was exactly what he had been dreading. "He's always f*cking well *here*. Always so *willing* to 'help out'."

"He's my *friend* John," Marlena fought back defensively. She didn't understand this bitter rage that was coming from John but she wasn't about to take it either.
"No Marlena, he's your ex-*lover* now. There's quite a difference." John could hear the cruel tone of his words but somehow he couldn't help himself. Not when she seemed so blind to what was going on.

"John, why are you doing this?" she fought the tears, but they were overwhelming and they slipped ceaselessly from her lashes and carved shimmering tracks down her ashen cheeks.
"Because you can't keep on going on like this. *We* can't keep on going on like this. I see the way he looks at you. And you don't seem to understand that you can't be friends with him any more because every time he *touches* you he imagines what it would be like to undress you." The muscle in John's cheek twitched violently as he crossed his arms in front of him.
"That's not true," she cried desperately. "John-"
"Marlena, don't delude yourself. Of course it's *true*." His face was hard as he spoke heatedly. His heart pounded in his chest and the words were saturated with the ache in his soul. "You think I don't know what it's like to *want* you and be so *close* that I can touch you and smell your hair and your scent but that's it? You think I don't remember how your touch burns itself into a man's memory so that he wakes up in the middle of the night sweating and desperate?" His eyes burned icily as the ache inside him froze into painful memory. "Don't kid yourself Marlena. I've dreamt about you too many nights not to know that look."

"I..... I," she shook her head, lost for words as each word slipped through her defenses like needle sharp blades. She had expected a fight, but not this. Not this utter fury and *blame*. It was almost as if he blamed *her* for what he thought Eugene was going through. "Do you think I'm leading him on?" she whispered in shock.

"I think you're being naïve," John answered frostily, unable to let himself react to her pain and confusion. The anger was too strong, too consuming to let it go now. He had to see this through "I think you're trying to deceive yourself, thinking that everything can go back to how it was before."
"I don't want to lose his friendship," she said breathlessly. "I wouldn't risk that by ignoring his feelings. I wouldn't John."
"You already *have* Marlena," John shook his head in amazement, wondering how she could be so naïve. "You *slept* with the guy. You risked *everything* then. Maybe you should have thought about those repercussions before you went ahead and screwed him because you sure as hell didn't think about anything else."

Marlena blanched and took a step backwards as John's words hit her almost like a physical blow. Breath was scarce for a moment as her head swam; his words roaring like breaking surf in her ears. She couldn't believe she was hearing this. Couldn't believe that these words were coming from John's mouth.

And then it hit her.

This wasn't about Eugene and what he was going through. This was about John and his jealousy, his anger at her for what he felt she had done.

"Oh I see," she voiced the realization virtually as she was having it, the anger almost instantaneous. "That's really what this is about is it? About the fact that you still can't stand the fact that I turned to someone else."

"You're *damn* right it is," the words edged dangerously through clenched teeth. "You act as if nothing is wrong, as if nothing happened, and you expect me to do the same." He shook his head, his cheeks burning hot with anger and shame. "I'm sorry Marlena, it's not that easy for me. I can't just pretend that everything's fine. I can't pretend away the fact that you slept with him. I really thought I could but I can't."
"I can't believe I'm even hearing this," Marlena's defenses had risen and her own temper was running dangerously high. Her fists curled instinctively, closing on themselves, icy fingers digging into the palms of her hands. The anger that swept through her was almost enough to keep the pain engendered by John's words at bay. Almost.

"I thought we'd been through this. I thought you'd gone back to Kristen. I thought it was over. For all time. What did you expect me to do, pine away for you in my rocking chair?" "I expected you to *know* me better than that, that's what I expected," he shot back angrily.

"Know *what*?" she uncurled the fingers of one hand quite consciously and placed it on the counter to steady herself, fighting the dizzy rush of tiredness and overwrought, hormonal nerves. She knew that she shouldn't be here, shouldn't putting herself under this kind of stress and it frightened her to think what it could be doing to the baby. Following this afternoon, terror was becoming an all too familiar theme in her nightmares and in her waking turmoil.

But how could she walk away? There was no way out of this but to fight through. To make him understand. To understand herself. She only hoped she was strong enough to fight the terror.

"Know what John?" she took a deep breath and fixed him with stormy hazel eyes. "Know that time and time again I had wished we could be together, had tried to tell you how I felt, only to have you tell me how happy you were with Kristen? Know that I had walked in on you having sex with her one too many times to be able to deal with it any more?" Tears filled her eyes again and she wiped them furiously away with shaking fingers. "Know that I *thought* it was *her* child you were talking to? What the *hell* was I supposed to know John? History hasn't exactly been kind to us has it?"

"You *knew* how I felt about you," he said in a low, pained voice. His head ached and he would have given anything to be anywhere but here right now. But he wasn't and still the words were coming. It was almost as if he was listening to a stranger with his own voice as he continued "And *I* knew how you felt about me. Even through all the bullshit with Kristen and you throwing me out. Once you had told me how you felt, I never once doubted that." The intensity in his voice washed over Marlena and left her breathless. She could feel his pain and it tore at her as his baby moved restlessly inside her, punctuating his point with rigid limbs. "I never once let go of it. What I don't understand is how you thought I could just abandon the love we had for *Kristen* of all people."

"After you rescued me from Stefano in Aremid," her voice was throaty with emotion as she tried to quell the pain, "I thought then that you knew how I felt. I'd risked *everything* to save you. I'd danced with the devil to free you and I'd come so close to paying the ultimate price. But you *saved* me." Her curled fist thumped against her chest as the tears trembled precipitously on her lashes. "And when I woke up I thought I was in heaven with you there beside me." Her vision swam as the anguish of the memory enveloped her. The memory of joy followed by heartbreak. Her chest hurt and she could hardly breath for a moment.

"And I thought then that you would....." she shook her head, moisture blurring her sight again. She didn't want him to see her cry. Didn't want him to see how the memory still held the power to break her as she felt those sensations again. "But no. Even though she had doubted you, thought you capable of murder, you went back to *her*." Despite her best efforts, her voice cracked slightly as she related the memory and to John, all he could see was a woman on the verge of weeping. And he felt like a complete jerk. "You barely even looked at me." He voice broke and she turned away, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he had hurt her but realizing that it was probably far too late for that.

"That was *different* Doc," John stared at her dully, an emptiness inside him where her words had hit home.
"How? How was it different?" her head swung back around and she glared at him. "Tell me that will you, because I don't understand."
"Oh come on Marlena," John struck the counter with his fist, making the cutlery jump. His frustration was unchecked and it seemed as if all this was doing, was making it worse. "I was telling you every day how much I loved you. I was writing you poems, sending you gifts. For God's sake, I even brought you a *plane*." His brows knitted as he stared at her angrily. "And you couldn't even wait to ask me what was going on? Instead you ran straight home and into the arms of Eugene Bradford, who was so *conveniently* waiting for you."

"That wasn't how it happened," Marlena's voice trembled and she pulled the flimsy robe around her as though it would stop the shivering, which emanated from inside her being.

"Well that's damn well how it looked when I walked in on you f*cking him in that bed upstairs." The words were out of John's mouth before he could catch them and his face reddened.

"Oh I *see*," Marlena's anger was re-ignited and she lifted a bent finger to point at him, her other arm tucked tightly across her front. "So it's okay for you to make sweeping assumptions based on what you see, but not for me. Is that it?"
"No, that's not it," John's jaw was set in a firm line.
"Well, for your information, he didn't seduce me," Marlena said cruelly, lashing out in response to her own pain. "It was the other way round. He was trying to help me but I decided I wanted more than just his sympathy." Her eyes flashed dangerously in the near-dark. "I was heartbroken, I thought my world had ended. I'd just about had a head-on collision on the way home. I was so miserable I spent four hours sobbing my heart out alone in my room. Gene was only trying to help but I was so hurt and so angry and betrayed that all I wanted to do was forget you had ever existed. And I thought maybe he could help me do that." She ran her fingers through her hair, her actions betraying her anger and pain almost as well as her words. "And *no* John, I didn't think about the consequences. For me there *was* no tomorrow."

Again, her body sought to betray her as the tears that lingered around her lashes suddenly swelled and dripped onto her reddened cheeks. For all the happiness she felt being with John now, she couldn't help but remember that moment of total desolation where she hadn't cared whether she lived or died. When even Belle hadn't been enough to soothe the agony that she suffered or ease the torment of the one who is damned to live alone for eternity. And her body remembered those emotions and replayed it's part in the drama as the misery of loss swept through her, flowing as tears from her eyes and broken sobs from her lips.

It was a moment before she could regain enough composure to continue. "I felt as though my life had ended. He gave the chance to live *back* to me. And if you can't understand that or you can't forgive me for making a mistake, however bad it was, then maybe we should rethink this whole thing."

"Well maybe we just should," John's arms tightened over his chest, his face impassive in response to Marlena's distress. She couldn't just shed a few tears and think that made everything all right. Because it didn't change anything.

"I thought our love was stronger than that. Maybe it was foolish of me to think that confessing our feelings to each other should make a difference. Maybe I was an idiot to think that telling you how desperately I loved you every single way I knew how would be enough to convince you that I was really sincere." John's indigo eyes moistened in the darkened room but Marlena caught it and she wiped her own face surreptitiously in response. "I thought that you would listen to me. I thought that you would see how sorry I was and that I regretted every single minute what I had done to you. I thought that would at least warrant you questioning what you saw. But instead you threw yourself at *him*. You treated what we had as though it meant nothing and dived headlong into an affair with him. *That's* what I don't understand Marlena."

"And I don't understand why I have to explain this over and over again," Marlena shook her head wearily and turned away from him, running her hands over her stomach. Maybe it was all the stress, but the baby was making is presence felt a lot more than she felt comfortable with. It was doing calisthenics, just to make the situation just that little more tortuous and it heightened her fear just another fraction.

"Maybe because I can't stop seeing him with you every time I close my eyes." John said quietly drawing her attention back from the gymnastics that were going on inside her. "I can't stop seeing you making love to him. I can't stop hearing you tell him that you love him. And it makes me wonder exactly what is so special about what we have if you were so quick to fall in love with him."

"It wasn't like that," Marlena turned back to him, her face full of anguish, the baby all but forgotten in the emotions that floated between them. "I didn't love him the way I love you." "Then why did you do it?" John uttered the heartfelt question with pain swimming in his eyes. "Why did you go back to Kristen all those times?" Marlena asked as her heart ached hollowly in her chest. "I thought I had nothing left to lose. I made a *mistake*. I was angry and I was hurting and I needed someone to tell me that they loved me. And you weren't there to do it. He was." She shook her head, tears spilling down her cheeks and the words plunged out over strangled sobs. "Part of me wished you were dead. Part of me wanted you to hurt as badly as I was hurting. Maybe part of me was looking for some kind of revenge. I'm not proud of that, but I acted on my emotions and I didn't listen to my head. I'm not perfect John, I'm a human being. And I'm sorry if you're looking for some kind of perfect living doll, because I just can't be that for you."

"Well you did hurt me, so if that was what you were after, you'll be glad to know you succeeded," John replied bitingly as he backed up against the bench. Even though she had admitted that she'd made a mistake, somehow she still didn't seem that sorry about it. She still assaulted him with *reasons* as to why she had done it, instead of acknowledging the simple fact that what she had done was *wrong*.

He knew she had been hurting. He knew her well enough to know that she never would have done it otherwise. But she had reviled him for turning to Kristen. Rightly enough. He had made assumptions. He had not persevered to find out the truth. He had accepted second best. And then she had done exactly the same thing and that simple fact would not be ignored. Even despite every other instinct in his body which screamed to him to take her in her arms and dry her tears with sweet platitudes. "I don't want you to be perfect Marlena. I would never ask that of you."

"Well then why is it okay for you to go crawling to Kristen but I'm not allowed the mistake of turning to Eugene?" she asked furiously, unaware of his internal dilemma. All she could see was a man who was being coldly judgmental, a man who had vowed to love her and protect her. A man who was now tearing her apart because his own internal sense of fair play was ever so slightly wounded.

"Because it's *wrong* Marlena," John slammed the counter top with the heel of his palm making the spoons jump again. Angrily he turned around and swiped at the stainless steel implements, sending them flying into the sink in a loud clatter. Marlena gasped and took a step backwards, trying to gather her wits as John continued. "You told me how wrong it was to do what I did but then you went and did it yourself. You threw me out of your life for making that mistake remember?"

"How could I forget," she shot back with searing bitterness as he turned back to her. "I had to watch you with her every day. I would walk around a corner and there she was, all over you like cheap cologne. I went down to the wine cellar and found you 'making love' to her and I just wanted to *die* it hurt so much." She could still feel the barren ache that had made it's home inside her during those long months and her indignation flared. "It made me sick to my stomach but I thought it was what you *wanted*. But then I found your letter and it turned out she was just a substitute. You were just too much of a coward to tell me the truth about how you felt. Maybe if you'd bothered to try communicating with me in the first place, none of this would have happened anyway."

"What?" John shook his head, his fingers clutching the edge of the bench tightly. He couldn't believe that once again this was all his fault. That he was shouldering the blame for her mistakes.
"The baby John. How could you expect me not to misinterpret what I saw and heard? You talk about me trusting you? How about if you'd trusted me enough to tell me the truth to begin with I wouldn't have had my heart broken again."

"Haven't we already been through this?" John snapped irritably.
"I thought we had yes," Marlena nodded coolly as she stared at him. The impasse seemed to go on for long seconds as John tried to quell the churning of his stomach. Finally, he swallowed through a taut throat.

"This isn't getting us anywhere," he growled. It really wasn't and if it continued on in this vein, one of them was going to say something they regretted very soon. And as angry as he was, he couldn't bear the thought of destroying this irrevocably. Every instinct told him to get out and he didn't waste much time listening to them as he pushed past her and left the room to head upstairs. Marlena glared at his retreating form.
"Oh that's right, run away when things get too difficult. You're good at that aren't you?"

He said nothing, just kept on going until he was out of sight and Marlena was left alone with the words that hung in the air. Angry, hot tears felt as though they were scalding her cheeks as they issued forth. She made a choking sob and turned around, putting her hands on the counter to steady her shaking body. She couldn't believe this. Couldn't believe that he was blaming her for something that had been so out of her control. She felt as though her heart was being crushed inside her body as she tried to catch her breath through the falling tears. Why did you do it? Because I couldn't see any other way. Because I thought I was doing the right thing...... Because I didn't know the truth.... She gasped almost unconsciously, as a fresh pain came flooding in to augment the old.

She had trusted Eugene; she had expected him to be honest with her. But he had known that Kristen was carrying her baby and he had chosen not to tell her. Even as he had been making love to her he had known. And he had made a conscious decision to keep that information from her. Information that would have changed everything.

It was a fact that she had chosen to ignore before, a realization that she had chosen to overlook as she tried to put her life back together. But she couldn't ignore it any longer. He had lied to her by omission, knowing that the truth would have a profound impact on her life. And he had gained by that lie; he had gained her shattered trust and broken heart for himself.

"Marlena?" She froze as his voice sounded beside her and she surreptitiously wiped her face before she looked up at him. Seeing nothing but remoteness in his eyes, she straightened her back.
"Eugene?"

He had been in his room sitting on his bed, reddened eyes buried in frigid hands when John had stomped past. He had heard the shouting downstairs and each fresh barrage had sent a storm of emotions whirling through him. Guilt, anger and pain for what his selfishness was putting Marlena through. But most of all, he just had this incredibly strong urge to leave the penthouse, escape this torture before it destroyed them all.

And so he had found himself descending quietly to the kitchen in order to tell Marlena he was leaving. He didn't even know what had possessed him to do it. He could have just left it till the morning. For that matter, he could have just left, a note on the table could probably explain far better then he could in this pitifully emotional state.

But somehow, he just had to see her, make sure that she was all right. And the sight of her, standing alone, lost and frightened was almost enough to break his resolve. If he could just take her in his arms, press his lips to her golden hair.... Tell her that it would be all right, that he loved her and would always cherish her and take care of her....

But that was a fool's wish. Patently unattainable and only designed to torment him just a little more. The thought steeled him as she turned to him and he found himself retreating emotionally, hanging onto the reality that she didn't want him, that she had never *really* wanted him. And what was best for all of them was that he leave, before he made an utter fool of himself.

"I..." It came out as a croak and he cleared his throat in embarrassment before he tried again. "I want you to know that I'm moving out tomorrow."
"What?" She physically took a step backwards, stunned by the unexpected news.
"I'm sorry," he shook his head, the words emphasized by the darkness of his eyes. "From the looks of things between you and John, this just isn't working out for any of us. I think it would be better if I were to leave now. While..." He finished lamely, unable to utter the words that were no longer true.

"While what?" Marlena knew she was no longer thinking rationally and that words were coming out of her mouth before she had even thought them through, but she was too hurt and stunned to be able to stop herself. "Are you trying to say while we're still friends? If you could call it that." She gave a short, indignant laugh.

"I don't want to hurt you any more than I have already Marlena," he told her in a trembling voice. "I don't want to think that I've totally destroyed our friendship."
"Well I don't even know what to think anymore," she cursed her weakness as the tears threatened to fall again and the baby renewed its stretching inside of her as though it were trying to send her an urgent message. "I don't know what's up and what's down. You won't even talk to me, John seems to think I'm some scarlet woman who is flaunting myself in front of you." She looked up at his eyes, the emotion lumping painfully in her throat. "Is that what you think too?"
"I...." He swallowed, his painfully dry throat rasping against itself. "I don't think you know the effect you can have..."

"Oh so it's *my* fault again is it?" she turned on him angrily, her face devoid of colour, her eyes golden and angry, like those of a lioness. "Like it was my fault that you didn't tell me the truth about Kristen's baby? Like it was my fault that I thought John was betraying me because no one had bothered to fill me in on a rather important and pertinent fact??"

"I didn't know what you had heard Marlena, I thought you had talked to him." Q said defensively. "I didn't realize...."
"And you didn't try very hard to find out either did you Gene?"
"And you didn't exactly make it easy Marlena." It was torture, being so close to her and he felt breathless for a moment. It seemed that matching her anger was the only way he was going to make it through this ordeal right now.

"Oh that's right," she leaned her head on one side, sarcasm heavy in her voice, "I forgot everything is *always* my fault. You'll have to forgive me."
"Well let's face it," his lips were pinched as he recalled that fateful evening." If you remember, I did *ask* you several times what was going on. But you didn't want to talk about it. You were more intent on getting what you wanted out of me."
"Oh please, like that wasn't *exactly* what you wanted!" She was furious now and she wondered vaguely how high her blood pressure could actually go before something drastic happened.
"Too bad if I didn't really, wasn't it?" Q retorted, his ire increased by the fact that she used the truth so well, it was hard to argue with her. "What was I going to do Marlena? Tell you Kristen was carrying your baby while you were on your knees in front of me?"
"Well *there's* a thought," she rejoined in mock surprise. "Maybe that would have been the ideal time. When did you think you might tell me? Were you just going to casually drop it into the conversation *while* we were having sex some time? Or did you just plan on spiriting me off to a life of immortality and not bothering to tell me at *all*?"

"Marlena, I didn't ask you to sleep with me," Q had always been a little frightened of Marlena when she was angry and this was no exception. But this time he was angry too and he'd had just about enough of this. "So you know, if you want someone to blame, sure, go ahead and blame me. But I *didn't* seduce you. *You* decided what you wanted and you knew I couldn't resist you. I mean, what was I to you? Convenient? Useful? Or was I simply just *there*?" He was shaking as the words escaped his lips, words he had suppressed for so long that he was taken by surprise himself. "I fell in love with you Marlena. Four hundred years ago and I never stopped loving you, I don't think I ever will. Do you really think I would have not told you the truth if I had known what had happened? Do you think I would have let myself in for this much pain on *purpose*?"
"Oh don't lay that on me," she snapped at him, her anger drowning out the guilt she felt as his words hit home. "You knew the risks, I told you very clearly. I never *promised* you anything. I told you I couldn't do that."
"More fool me then," he shrugged. "Because I thought when you told me you loved me, that you actually meant it. Because I sure as hell wanted to believe you."

Marlena said nothing, but glared at him, her expression a mingling of shame and fury. "But you are right of course," he continued, his brown eyes dull in the light that shone from the living room. "There were no promises. There wasn't really much consideration of anything, let alone consequences. I was caught by surprise and once I'd gotten involved with you..." he sighed, "there just never seemed like a good time. But I did *not* lie to you in order to get you into bed. So if that's what you're implying..."

"I'm not implying *anything*," she glowered at him with her arms crossed in front of her. The veracity of his words and the pain that filtered through them had knocked the edges off her anger and she was having a hard time remembering what she needed to say. Her robe shimmered as she moved and he had to avoid looking at her in order to concentrate on what she was saying. Exhaling deeply, she turned around, gathering her thoughts, her jaw setting into a determined line. Then she turned back to him, her expression unforgiving. "I'm *saying* that if I had known the truth none of this nightmare ever would have happened. And whatever the reasons, you're responsible for that."

"Marlena you're not being fair," he said desperately trying to ignore the fact that her anger, along with her filmy robe were doing a very good job of arousing him once again. Of all the times he had wanted her, this was possibly the most awkward and he hoped desperately that she wouldn't notice anything.

"Oh that too. It's always my fault and I'm never fair. Must remember that one." She tightened her folded arms over the top of her rounded stomach, her anger returning as she heard his wretched exclamation. "But why don't I tell you what's not *fair*." She spat the last word out through bloodless lips. "*I* didn't know the truth and *you* did. Didn't you at least consider that it *might* possibly be important that I know? You knew how I felt about John. You *knew* I was supposed to be with him according to your precious Continuum. So was *that* fair?"

"No," Gene shook his head guiltily, avoiding her eyes as he finally relented. He wasn't going to win this and really, he knew she was right. He had always known and her blame of him was fairly much justified. He took a deep breath and resolved to tell her the truth. That he knew he had been wrong and he couldn't be angry at her any more. Not when it was his fault.

"I know it wasn't fair and I am *so* sorry Marlena. I'm sorry, I was weak and I let my love for you blind me to everything else. You were hurting so badly and I couldn't bear to see you in that much pain. And it all happened so fast....." He shook his head miserably as the words stumbled from his lips in a fraught stream. "You're right. It wasn't fair and I have to suffer the repercussions of that for the rest of eternity. And I will never ever forgive myself for taking advantage of you and destroying our friendship. I made a miserable, selfish mistake and I can't undo it. And I'm.... I'm just sorry..."

His words faded into the silent gulf between them as Marlena replayed them in her head. She wanted to stay angry at him. She wanted to be able to blame someone for the pain she was feeling. And he was there and he was convenient. Without his omission, she and John would not have lost all that time together. But then, without his meddling, would they even have found each other again at all?

She started at him and took in a deep breath; letting it out in a long, slow exhalation as she let the thoughts play through her mind. The baby kicked again and she rubbed a soothing hand over the tender spot. What it really came down to was if she couldn't forgive Eugene then how could she expect John to forgive her?

"Oh Gene," her shoulders slumped as though she was suddenly deflated by his words. No, he hadn't been fair, but then neither had she. He was right, she had made it difficult for him, she had refused to tell him what had happened with John and she had made it impossible for him to refuse her advances. She couldn't let him take all the blame for what had happened. If she had made a mistake, how could she not forgive him for making one? "I'm sorry too. I just wish we could go back to how we were before."

"So do I," Q's bronze eyes darkened. "But I just don't think it's possible. At least while we're living in the same apartment."
"I don't want to think that," Marlena shook her head, her eyes filling with tears. Now that the anger had subsided, she was left with a lingering emptiness as she considered a life without Eugene as a friend.

"Marlena, you don't understand," his voice was a little harsher than he had intended and he cringed internally as he saw the wince cross her face. "Things might have changed for you, but they haven't for me." The sincerity was clear in his voice as his eyes narrowed. "I still want you. You touch me during the day and I feel like I've had a thousand volts run through me. And I can't sleep at night because I'm *dreaming* about you every time I close my eyes."

"Gene I....." she shook her head softly, not knowing what to say.
"I dream that you come to me and make love to me and I wake up and sometimes they seem so real I wonder if they actually happened." His voice was husky, a mixture of anguish and desire and Marlena couldn't say anything as she stood in front of him, transfixed by embarrassment and guilt. "I know that you need a friend right now, but I just can't be that person for you." The words were tearing him apart and he couldn't bring himself to look at her, lest he see the emotions in her beautiful eyes.

"I'm sorry Gene," she whispered, aching with every one of his words. Knowing that it was her fault that he had suffered this pain. That she had selfishly used him to ease her own pain, knowing how he felt about her. And now he was paying for her mistake. "I'm so sorry."
"So am I," he shook his head, hating himself for causing her more anguish, but knowing he had no other choice. "I wish there was another way, but I really think there's no other option. I'll leave in the morning."
"Where will you go?" she asked quietly.
"Oh I don't know," he shrugged, "I'm sure something will turn up."

"I'm quite sure it will." They both jumped as John's voice sounded frigidly in the doorway. "You are *omnipotent* after all." The muscle in his jaw twitched as he stood immobile, regarding Marlena and Q with emotionless eyes. "Well now that that's all sorted out, you could go upstairs and start packing while I speak with Marlena."

"John -" Marlena's heart pounded violently as she wondered how long he had been standing there. "It's all right," Q's voice was equally as sharp as John's, "I was just going anyway."

"That was so touching," John said derisively as he watched Q go. "So nice that you are so ready to say sorry to *him*."
"Oh for God's sake, what the hell do you want from me John?" Marlena was beyond frustrated with this whole situation and John could hear it in her voice as she turned from him, throwing her hands up in the air before bringing them down with a loud thud on the counter top. Suddenly, he felt guilty and angry with himself for taking this so far.

"I just want you to understand how hurt I was Doc," he said, almost inaudibly. "I want you to understand that even though I know in my head you made a mistake, my heart still has trouble with it."
"I've said I'm sorry John, I know it was a mistake." She turned around slowly, her misery written all over her face. "I'm sorry I ever made it, but I did and I can't undo it. I don't know what more I can do to make you understand." Tears filled her eyes again and she sagged against the cupboards at her back.

"I *do* understand Doc," he said quietly, his voice smothered in his throat. "Maybe more than you'll ever know. But that doesn't change the fact that I can still see you making love to him. I can still hear your voice when you tell him you love him... the way you sounded when you called out his name in bed. And yes that was my fault for walking in when I shouldn't have but Marlena I can't take that back either. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he made you happier than I do." He turned away from her, rubbing at itching eyes. He stared at his fingers as he pulled them away and realized with an abstract thought, that he was actually crying.

Maybe this was punishment for all the wrongs in his life, maybe this was just something he should endure, but the lancing pain in his heart and the tears that haunted his eyes just wouldn't leave him in peace. And he couldn't ignore the way he felt any longer.

"Maybe it's petty and stupid, but I can't help hating him for having you when I couldn't. And I can't help feeling angry and betrayed because you didn't have any faith in me and what I had told you. And maybe I deserved that after everything I did, and maybe I'm just being a selfish asshole, but I can't help it." His shoulders were so tense he could just about feel them coiling up into hard knots. "I can't help but listen to you when we make love and comparing the way you sound to what I heard that night. And the fact that he is coming between us is tearing me apart."

"He's only coming between us because you're putting him there John," Marlena argued, trying to defend herself against the words which were too painful to absorb. She knew him so well and she could see the tension playing across his back and it sliced through her like a knife. The fear she was feeling now was much too close to what she had felt in her dream and she crossed her arms in front of herself again to stop from shaking so obviously.

"No, he's coming between us because you're refusing to acknowledge the fact that it *happened* at all." He turned back to her, ignoring the fact that he was openly crying now. "You talk about wishing I were dead. Marlena, *I* wished I was dead. I just about walked in front of a bus when I was in New York because I couldn't take the idea of never having you in my life again. It was just so painful I *wanted* everything to just *end*." His eyes were rimmed with red as he ran his fingers through his hair, trying to massage away the headache that had settled just under his scalp.

"Marlena, I thought our love was something beyond special. And I know it sounds stupid but I guess I thought you were better than me. That you wouldn't make the same stupid mistakes that I did. And maybe that's unfair, but Doc, that's just how I feel." He shook his head, his cerulean eyes fixing her with their soul-deep representation of his torment. "I feel that somehow it made what we had that little bit less special to know you could replace me with another man so easily."

"Oh John." Now that he'd let the façade of anger drop, she could see the genuine pain that he was harbouring. And with that truth, suddenly things were a lot different. "I couldn't replace you. I would never even *try*."
"But you did didn't you?" He was shaking and his voice was weak with misery. "You took him to your bed and he was good to you and he loved you. I don't know how to *compete* with that. I don't have anything to offer you. Not like he does."

"Oh no," she shook her head, her eyes glistening. "John that's not *true*. You have yourself. And that's all I ever wanted. It's all I ever *will* want." She ached to take him in her arms and soothe away his pain but she didn't know whether he would accept her touch at the moment. So her brows furrowed as she watched him struggle with his inner suffering. "I'm so sorry I hurt you," she whispered gently. "I didn't realize...."

"I don't want to feel like this Marlena," he looked up at her and his anguish hit her like a tangible force. "I don't want to make you feel guilty, I don't want to be jealous and angry. I just can't help it." His chin trembled and his voice was so low, it was almost guttural. "I have nightmares about you being with him. About seeing you with him. About you realizing you've made a mistake and want to go back to him."

"Oh John," she shook her head, a tear trickling from her lash as the grief swelled inside of her. "Why didn't you tell me all this before we got to this point?"
"I didn't know how to Doc," he admitted guiltily. "You weren't supposed to be under any stress and it felt so stupid and petty. You had forgiven me for Kristen and I knew I should be able to get past it. But I just couldn't, it hurt too much....."

She took a deep breath as the realization of just what he had suffered hit her. She hadn't wanted to think how it had affected him, she had been so busy revelling in her own anger and resentment. Maybe he had deserved it, but he was right, that didn't make what she had done any more right, or any more acceptable. What each of them gave to each other was trust and honesty and a powerful and complete love. But that had been weakened, stretched to breaking point by the selfish actions of both of them. And now they had to work at mending that breach if they ever wanted to be happy.

"I *never* loved him in the way I loved you," she said powerfully, as she crossed the cool floor to where he stood. "I was wrong. I was unfair to myself and to both you *and* Eugene. I tried to fool myself into thinking it was the best thing. I think maybe it was a way to bury the pain and to punish you for what I thought you had done." Her gaze dropped to the floor and her cheeks coloured as she thought about it again. "I wish it hadn't happened. For all of us, I wish it hadn't happened. I hurt you and I hurt Gene and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that."

"Don't waste too many tears on him will you Doc," John's voice had taken on an edge again and she looked up at him beseechingly. He had a smile on his face as though he had intended it as a joke, but it was wavering as his bitterness nudged through the brittle mask he wore.
"Please don't take this out on Gene, John. I think he feels bad enough all ready." She sighed wearily. "None of us made the best decisions, he's no more to blame for this than I am."
"Maybe not," John exhaled heavily and leaned against the pantry door that was beside him. He was tired too. Tired of the pain and the jealousy and the anger. He just wanted to forget any of this had ever happened and he wanted to simply love her. "I don't know, sometimes I hate him for what he did and sometimes I just pity him because I know what it's like to want you so desperately and not be able to have you."

"He doesn't deserve your hate John," she said gently. "He's a good man that made a bad mistake. And mostly it was my fault that he did that."
"I think you're being too easy on him Doc," John said uncomfortably.
"I know you don't like to hear me defending him," she said quietly, knowing how she would feel if they were having this conversation about Kristen. It was different because Kristen was evil and had done dreadful things, but all the same.... "I understand that but I can't let him take all the blame. And besides, I think this is really about you and me."
"Yeah," John said eventually, catching her eyes with his own wounded ones. "I suppose you're right."

"So where do we go from here?" she looked down at the floor, dreading his answer. When the reply didn't come, she looked up, her golden eyes wary and hurt, seeking his decision.

"I don't know," he whispered miserably at last. "Doc, I just don't know."





Morning Grace

"John?" He felt her fingers touch his arm with the lightest of touches before she pulled them away. But in that brief moment, he had noticed that she was trembling. And when he looked up, he found fear misting her beautiful hazel eyes. "John, we can fix this. Can't we?" Her voice was small and panicky and his heart gave a familiar lurch.

"Doc....." he didn't know what to say to her.
"John, you have to believe me, it's completely different. What we have to what I had with Gene. That was nice but it can't compare to what we have." The words flowed from her lips desperately, almost tripping over themselves in an effort to make him believe her. "I told him I loved him and I did, but in a different way. In a way that a friend loves a friend. I tried to kid myself that it was something more but John it wasn't. It wasn't like *this*." She took his hand in hers and slowly lifted it to where her heart beat just below her heavy breast. Pressing his fingers against the gauzy material, she looked up at him beseechingly. "I love you with my heart and my soul. No one makes me feel the way you do. No one ever could." She could feel his fingers relax a little under hers and it gave her a spark of hope.

"Being with you makes me feel like I'm whole. Like I'm the person I was always supposed to be. And without you there's just part of me missing and I can't live my life like that any more." Looking up at him, her lips moved, imparting the almost silent words, "Please don't ask me to."

"Did you even think about me when you were with him?" His voice was raw with jagged emotions. He felt like he was on some kind of roller-coaster even as she spoke, wanting so desperately to believe her and let the resentment slide away into the darkness. But even at the same time, the questions still gnawed at him, begging for answers that he wasn't sure he wanted to hear. But he had to know; he had to understand this in his head and in his heart before he could let it go.

Swallowing, Marlena stepped back.
"I did my best *not* to," she said awkwardly, not knowing what he wanted to hear. But he was being honest, uncovering the very real insecurities and fears that he harboured and she could only offer him the same in return. "I tried not to and for the most part I was successful. I didn't want to hear or know anything about what you were doing. It was just too painful. But now and then I just couldn't help it and I would remember something we had done or you had said and...." She shook her head, remembering the flash of memory that she had experienced in when she was in New York, on the top of the Empire State Building. It had been so startling to her at the time, that a seemingly benign act of passion was enough to provoke the most breathtaking of memories. But it shouldn't have been so surprising. If she'd only been honest with herself. Because, as he had from the time she had first met him, at the most unexpected of moments, John always came back to haunt her.

She should have known then that it was hopeless.

"You didn't even think about me when you were in bed with him?" John asked miserably, anguish once buried deep in his head, finally slicing free.
"I *couldn't* John," she replied in tears once again. "It was like there was this hollow place in my heart where you had been. Like an empty room, and as long as I kept the door closed, I could almost forget how dark and cold it was. But if I let thoughts of you in, I wouldn't have been able to fool myself any more. So I just tried not to think of you at all." She could see the hurt playing across his face and she felt wretched. "John you must know what its like. How could you have slept with Kristen all those months....all those years, if you were thinking about me all the time?"

"I didn't at first," he admitted in a hoarse voice, "but as time went on, sometimes I just couldn't help it. I'd close my eyes and there you were."
"Did she ever know?" Marlena asked in a small voice.
"Once I called out your name," John admitted, averting his eyes. "I think she told you that in Aremid."
"In Aremid," Marlena repeated, a shudder running through her body. "That was when she changed, when she began to doubt you..."
"And then she found the letter..."

John suddenly felt sick. How much of this was his fault? How much of Kristen's increasing insanity could be laid at his door? Just another thing he had destroyed, like so many others. Another person sullied and shattered by his weakness and indulgence.

He looked up at the woman standing before him, the woman carrying his beloved child. The woman he would give his life and soul to protect. And fear shook him to the core. What if, through his weakness, he destroyed her too? He didn't think he could bear that.

Already tonight he had hurt and betrayed her trust in him by taking his hurt and his selfish anger out on her. The traces of tears that lingered on her cheeks told that tale well enough. But what was his choice? Walk away? Abandon her and the children to the mercies of Stefano DiMera? How could he do that?

And how could he do that, knowing how much it would tear her apart if he left again? Especially lacking the strength and conviction to stay away from her. Because as sure as Stefano would come for her, he knew he couldn't stay away from her either. She was like a flame, and though none of them were as innocuous as moths, still he, Stefano and Q could not help but dance on the periphery of her sweet goodness. Maybe it was the purity, the salvation she offered up with the touch of her gentle lips or maybe it was the way she looked at you that made you feel like you were the luckiest man that ever lived just because you held her in your arms. He didn't know. He only knew he wasn't strong enough to give it up.

But if he couldn't give her up, then how could Q, a being who was used to getting exactly what he wanted? Or taking it.

"Do you think of *him* when you make love to me?" he asked stiltedly, still frightened that somewhere, deep down she would realize the truth of what he had been thinking. And if she did, where did that leave him? Would his own corruption be what drove her away?

"No," she whispered, confused and hurt. "Why, do you think of *her*?"
"No!" he shook his head amazed that such a thing could cross her mind. "It's not the same Marlena. I *loathe* her. When she touches me it makes my flesh crawl. *You* are the only thing good in my life. I'm just....." his voice faltered and he dropped his head, ashamed of his own weakness. "I just can't help but wonder if it wasn't for the baby..... if you wouldn't decide that you were better off without me..."

"Oh baby, *no*," she shook her head, honestly distressed by the hesitancy in his words . "It's *you* I love, you I want. This baby was created from love, from our love and that makes it so very, very special to me. But I love you for *you*, for who you are. If I thought I was better off without you John, I would have found someone else years ago. But I can't imagine ever loving anyone else the way I love you. I just don't think it's possible." She might have imagined it, but she thought she saw a softening in his eyes and it gave her the encouragement she needed to continue. "When you touch me, it's something beyond sexual. It's like you can touch my soul with your love and your emotion. And it's the most wonderful feeling." She allowed herself a little smile as she saw recognition in his eyes. "You know what I mean?"
"I think I do, yeah," he nodded his head and reflected her smile, almost despite himself.

"I think it's because we are supposed to be together," she whispered, stepping close to him again. "I believe with all of my heart that we are soulmates. That we were supposed to find each other." Marlena reached out with nervous fingers and caught his hand in hers. "We've both done stupid things, made mistakes that we regret. And John, I *do* regret not having more trust and faith in our love. You are right, I should have known better but I made a mistake and I am asking you to forgive me." Her breath caught in her throat as she felt the fingers of his other hand entwine with hers and she looked up to find his blue eyes shining in the dim light.

"I think what we have *is* beyond special and I don't think that *anything* can diminish that. Not if we don't let it. We make each other better people and our love binds us into a unit that is so strong that I don't think it can be broken." She smiled up at him. "I mean, it's not like they haven't tried. And look, we're still here aren't we....?"

"I've tried to stay away from you before Doc," he whispered, the words smooth across his lips. "Probably more times than you'll even know. But somehow I always end up with you in my arms. And I think you're right. It's because we are meant to be together."

"I couldn't love anyone else," she murmured as she pressed her belly against him. "Not anymore. I don't want to."
"I don't want you to either," he chuckled lightly as he slipped his arms around her, her hands still in his. Bring her arms around behind her, he crossed her wrists behind her back.

"John," her face became serious. "I really am sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you like that. I wish I could go back and change it, I wish we could just undo it all, but we can't. But I don't want to lose you because we let ourselves get caught up in our own fallibility."

"I'm sorry too," John told her softly. "I know I hurt you with Kristen and I know that's why you couldn't trust me.... I do know that but it still hurts."
"I think in time," Marlena's eyes swept his face, her love for him transparent even to him, "if we both try really hard to trust and love each other, that the pain will eventually go away. I think though that we do need to be honest with each other about our feelings. We can't get to this point again, John, it's too destructive, too painful."

"I know," he lowered his head, "I thought I was doing the right thing...."
"I know you did," she leaned her head on one side, catching his eyes, "and I love you for that, but I really need your honesty in this relationship, otherwise we're back where we started." The emotion stifled her voice as she tried to voice her thoughts and feelings. "I just can't lose you John. I just can't go through that again."
"I love you so much Marlena," he could feel her curves through the thin fabric and he realized suddenly, that for the first time in days, that there was just the two of them in the room. No Kristen, no Stefano, and no Eugene sliding insidiously between them.
"I love you too," she whispered with a hint of a smile. "I love you so much it hurts sometimes."

Leaning forward, John pressed his lips against her forehead.
"I don't want to hurt you Doc. I don't ever want to cause you any pain."
"I think that's inevitable isn't it?" she asked quietly. "We're people, we make mistakes from time to time. We're going to hurt each other. We need to acknowledge that and not be afraid to tell each other when we are hurting."
"You're right of course," John grinned. "Just my luck, to fall in love with a beautiful lady shrink."
"Yeah well," she leaned her head on one side, short blonde hair swinging with gravity as she did so. "This lady shrink feels very lucky that you did."

"I'm sorry about the things I said Doc," his face slid downwards into seriousness. "I shouldn't have lost my temper like that. Especially now, of all times."
"That's okay," she shivered slightly in his arms, unable to hide her discomfort at the reminder of the day's events. "I'm sorry too."
"Is Eugene really leaving?" John asked her, releasing her arms.
"Uh-huh," she nodded her head sadly. "I guess it is the best thing for all of us. At least then there will be no more confusion and no more mixed messages."
"I...." John knew he was going to regret this, but he had to say it. "I'm not actually sure that it's such a good idea Doc."


******


Q zipped up the bag and sat down heavily on the bed, dropping his head into his hands. What a nightmare this had all turned out to be. How could he, a Q have so royally f*cked up everything he had touched?

He was omniscient, omnipotent. So how was it that he couldn't even control his lust for a mortal woman? It seemed beyond the realms of possibility, but there it was. Brought to his knees by his very own Helen.

He sighed and rubbed his hands over his weary face. He badly needed sleep but he was almost to the point where he feared to close his eyes for the fear of what might happen behind the mask of dreams.

"Eugene?" He looked up to find Lucie at the doorway, a terry cloth robe wrapped around her lithe frame. "What's going on?"
"I thought you'd gone out," Q grunted irritably.
"It *is* almost three in the morning," Lucie returned with raised eyebrows.
"It's nothing," he snapped, just wishing she'd go away. And knowing that he didn't have a hope in hell of that actually happening. The woman was nothing, if not irritatingly persistent.

"Didn't sound like nothing." Lucie crossed her arms in front of her. "Between the three of you I was kinda expecting the dead to start raising."
"It's *personal*," Q's eyes narrowed. "Why don't you mind your own business? Why are you so interested in what goes on around here anyway?" he asked suspiciously.

"Hello, I get woken at two in the morning by fighting that goes on for forty minutes. You don't think I'm gonna be a little curious?" she pointed out. "I know you don't much like me Eugene, but I am a little concerned about Marlena. She is my boss, and given her condition and what Mike said this afternoon, it seems to me you should be doing everything you can to *avoid* fighting with her."
"You're right," Q said nastily. "I don't like you. But if you *must* know, I'll be leaving in the morning. So there'll be no more fighting."

"Leaving?"
"Yes. Now if there are no more questions, perhaps you'll let me get on with packing." Q was doing his best to ignore the young woman but if he hadn't been, maybe he would have caught the glint in her eye as she turned from the doorway.


******

"What on earth do you mean John?" Marlena pulled away from John, more than a little surprised. That had been the last thing she had been expecting to hear. "I thought that Gene being here was part of the problem."
"It is." John nodded. "A big part. But despite that, I think he should stay."
"Maybe I'm being obtuse," Marlena crossed her arms in front of her, "but I really don't get th-..... Oh...." She saw the look on his face and the chill traveled down to the core of her soul. "Stefano."

"It's too dangerous to have you here alone with Stefano this close Doc," John told her softly. "Now we have proof that he's here..."
"But you're here," she replied quickly, "you can stay here."
"I don't know how long we'll be able to keep Kristen sedated sweetheart," he said gently as he caught her hand up in his. "I'll stay here as long as I can, and God knows I'm the first one to want Eugene out of here, but baby I need to know that you are safe and protected."

"He might not want to stay," she swallowed uncomfortably.
"I heard what he said," John admitted. It wasn't as though he hadn't already known. He had seen it in the man's eyes more than once. He knew what it was like to be haunted like that. "Well is it fair to ask him to stay?" she squeezed John's fingers. "On you or him?" She frowned, feeling guilty and ashamed again as Eugene's words echoed in her mind. I dream that you come to me and make love to me and I wake up and sometimes they seem so real I wonder if they actually happened.

"I don't know Doc," he shook his head tiredly.
"And I don't know if *I* can take it any more," she suddenly looked exhausted again and John had the sudden urge to lift his fingers and smooth away the lines of tiredness that marred her beautiful face. "You were right about what this is doing to him. I don't know if I can live with the guilt and the awkwardness of seeing him every day, knowing that. And not only that but knowing how you feel about him...." She faltered, not knowing what John expected of her when it came to Eugene. It was only a moment later that she realized that whatever he expected, she had to be honest with him about her feelings. This was what this was all about ultimately.

"Maybe if he leaves now there's a chance that we can be friends again some day." She desperately wanted him to understand her attachment to Gene wasn't about what their relationship, their affair had been. It was about the fact that he had been her good friend for so long and she wanted to salvage something of that. If she could. "I want to be his friend John. He needs us to be his friends. And he is such a big part of my past. He was there for me during so many good and bad times in my life. I don't want to lose his friendship because of a lousy, stupid mistake."

John said nothing, but lifted his hand to tuck loose strands of golden hair behind her ear. "If you make me choose, I'll choose you, you know that," she told him quietly. "But I'm asking you not to make me do that."
"I wouldn't ask you to do that Doc," he told her gently with a small smile. "But I have to tell you, I'm glad to know you would choose me."
"If you want to get rid of me, you'll have to find a better way than that," she smiled as he tenderly smoothed his thumb across her cheek.
"I love you Marlena Evans. And baby, I'm never letting you leave."
"Mmmmmm," she sighed as she settled into his waiting arms, feeling the warmth of his chest against her chilled cheek. "I love you too." She was silent for a moment, just listening to the muffled beat of his heart.

"Do you think you'll be able to forgive me?" she asked in a slight voice, her uncertainty echoed by the tensing of her muscles against John's.
"If you'll forgive me for being such a selfish jerk, yeah," John smiled tightly.
"You weren't the only one being selfish," she sighed, looking up at him with pink cheeks. "*I* was being selfish too. I thought I could pretend it all away and have everything the way it was. And I should have known better than that." She sighed softly. "I think it's just because we love each other so much. We were just trying to convince ourselves too hard that everything was all right. Because anything else was too frightening."
"Well I know that I wanted to think that I was bigger than that Doc." He cupped both cheeks with a broad hand and stroked his thumbs over the smooth, flushed skin. "But you are such a beautiful, amazing woman that most of the time I just wonder how the hell I got so lucky as to have you fall in love with me. And suddenly it was like all my worst nightmares came true. I found you again and then I lost you and the pain was just *unbearable*." He shook his head as the words caught in his throat and he felt her fingers wrap around his wrists. "When it comes down to it baby, I guess I'm just insecure because I'm *so* afraid of losing you again."
"Oh John," she ached with love for him and the realization that she knew exactly what he was talking about because that was how she felt about him.

"Promise me that will never happen Marlena," his voice was fierce and the intensity of his eyes punctuated his plea. "Promise me that you will always love me and trust me and that you will never doubt me again. Promise me that will you?" His fingers were strong against her cheeks and she felt momentarily breathless.
"I promise," she whispered, her heart pounding so that she felt dizzy beneath his gaze. "I promise," her voice was stronger as she smoothed her hands down his forearm until they came into contact with the warm cotton robe. "I promise."
"You'll never love anyone else?" he lowered his face so that it was inches away from hers, his breath warm on her skin.
"There will never be anyone else."

She tilted her face up so that she was staring straight into his eyes and he shivered as he saw the vulnerability and love in them. It was as though with a single glance, she was offering her heart and soul to him, offering them up to his ownership, daring him to refuse her. "I will never want anyone else and I will never love anyone else," she answered firmly, her fingers stirring the dark hair that covered his arms. "Only you. I'm yours, I belong to you. I always will. Just as you belong to me John." Her cinnamon coloured eyes glittered almost dangerously and John knew all of a sudden that he would forgive her anything. She was right, he was hers. And that was all that mattered in the end. "We're meant to be you and I. There's no point in fighting fate. She's always going to win." She gave him a sensuous smile and his stomach flipped.

"God I love you," he growled as he pulled her to him, crushing his lips against hers. She moaned as he parted her lips with his tongue and twisted his fingers roughly in her short hair. She surrendered herself to him without argument, slipping her arms around his neck and whimpering gently as he tugged on her hair, pulling her head backwards so that her throat was exposed.

She shivered with the delicious feeling of his mouth as it moved down her throat. His tongue and lips toyed with the sensitive skin in the small fragrant hollow at the base where her neck. Then they traveled across the graceful curve where it met her shoulder until they encountered lace.

Releasing her, he breathed in as he looked down at her questioning eyes.
"I promise I'll never hurt you Marlena. I'll never give you reason to doubt me again. I promise to always cherish you and to *never* let you go again." The passion in his voice seemed to tear Marlena's breath from her and the echo of it glimmering in the depths of his indigo eyes, brought her close to tears.

"I never dreamed I'd get this lucky," she said softly, lifting her fingers to smooth the silvery hair at his temples.
"I don't know what I did to deserve you," his fingers passed lightly over her bottom lip, the touch almost too light to be felt but by the nerves that sent fire rippling through her. "But whatever it was, I'm forever grateful."
"You were just you," she answered him with a loving smile. "You were just the man who I fell in love with. A man of honesty, loyalty and integrity. And an incredibly deep capacity to love. A man with a nature ruled by passion and devotion. And a tenderness for his family that knows no bounds. That's what you did to deserve me."

"And you always had faith in me Doc," he replied, his face serious and intense. "You never let me down, you always believed in me. In who I was. Even when nobody else knew, or cared." He lifted his bent forefinger and rested it under her jaw, bringing his thumb down to rest against the tiny indentation in her chin. "You were *always* there for me. Even when you were frightened and alone. Even when I didn't deserve your loyalty. And with your grace and sweetness and beautiful heart, you never let me forget it. And that is why I love you; because I have never met someone who moved my heart in the way you do Doc. I have never met anyone else who made the sun rise, just because she walked into the room."

Marlena said nothing, but the tears that rolled down her cheeks were all the eloquence that was needed in the silent moment that bound the couple together. And then, with his thumbs, John gently wiped her face and leaned his forehead against hers. He nuzzled her cheek tenderly, feeling the warmth of her hair as he slid his fingers through it. He smiled at the sound of the little sigh that slipped out from between her lips, that simple sound bringing back so many memories.

She trembled in his arms and suddenly he realized that she was still only wearing a flimsy robe and nothing else.
"Baby, you must be freezing," he slid his hands down her arms to her fingers which were indeed chilled. "C'mon, let's get you upstairs."
"But what about Gene?" she asked hesitantly. They still hadn't decided whether they would let him leave or not and she didn't think she could sleep until she had at least talked to him again and made some kind of peace between them all.

"Well why don't we let Eugene decide what to do?" John raised his eyebrows. Mostly he wanted to see Eugene out of this place forever and out of Marlena's life too. But he didn't want to see her unhappy. And he didn't want to see her in danger. And both of those things were what Eugene's departure would leave her, he knew that.

"I..." Marlena watched him closely, "are you sure that's what you want?"
"It's not what I *want* Doc. But what I *want* doesn't really count here. What is important is keeping you safe. And as long as DiMera is sniffing around I won't feel that you're safe unless you're in my sight at all times. And since we know that probably won't be possible...." he shrugged. "I just can't see any other way."

"All right then," she conceded uneasily. "It's up to him though." She frowned, remembering Eugene's face as he had informed her he was leaving tomorrow. Something told her that Gene might not be very easily persuaded to stay. And she wasn't at all sure she wanted him to be.

"Okay," John brushed the pad of his thumb across her cheek. "To be quite honest Doc, I don't know how hard I'll be able to argue with him if he doesn't want to stay. I can't pretend I don't want you all to myself."
"You know, I kind of like the sound of that," she grinned despite herself as he pulled her to him.
"You should," he winked at her lecherously and she giggled as she slipped her arms around his neck.
"I love you," she murmured as she brushed her lips against his.
"Mmmmmm, love you too." His hand roamed down over her rear and she felt the tremors that his touch elicited ripple through her.

"Why don't we just bypass talking and amuse ourselves another way?" Marlena suggested with a sensual half-smile. She straightened her arms so that her hands flipped over and the backs of her fingers brushed against his soft hair.
"Uh-uh Doc, I don't get distracted that easily," he laughed as she raised her brows. "Okay well not all the time, anyway."
"You want to go and talk to Eugene," she sighed uneasily, loosening her arms.
"I think we should yeah," he nodded his head as he stroked her blonde hair away from her face. "I know that you'd rather not think about any of it sweetheart but we have to. So we may as well get it over with."
"May as well," she repeated weakly, withdrawing from him.
"Courage Doc," he whispered with a small smile, "It's not that bad."
"You can say that, you're not the one that screwed up his life," she said unhappily.
"No, I'm the one that screwed up yours for the longest time," he replied simply. "You can't let that dictate your life Marlena. If we can forgive each other, I think you should be able to forgive yourself, huh?"

Marlena stared at him momentarily, blinking in amazement and then the tension fell from her shoulders.
"Just who is the shrink here?" the light sound of her laughter was music to John's ears and he caught her hand in his as he pulled her towards the doorway.
"Well you see there's this wonderful woman who taught me everything I know...."


******

"So," the deep Italian baritone was sotto voce as Stefano contemplated the latest news. "Eugene Bradford is leaving mmm? How fortuitous."
"I wouldn't count on it," the sullen voice of his companion was graced with a European inflection. "What difference does it make anyway?"
"Ah," Stefano smiled, a cultured savagery gleaming in his ebony eyes, "my dear friend, it makes all the difference in the world. It makes it ever so much easier to play our games with John. To taunt him with the knowledge that he cannot fight fate. He will know in advance his fate and that of his family, but still, he will not be able to stop it. That will be the ultimate sweetness."
"I don't know why we just don't kill him now and be done with it," the other man muttered as he stared into his tumbler of whisky. "I want him *dead*." There was a bitterness in his voice that defied description and Stefano had a momentary realization that his partner could be a very loose cannon, given the right circumstances. He would have to keep a very tight reign on him to make sure nothing happened to spoil his plans.

"Patience, patience my friend," he said soothingly. "You will get your revenge soon enough. And will it not be all the more satisfying to know that John understands it all? He has taken from both of us, taken what did not belong to him. And he will know the feeling of loss before we are through."

"If he knows the pain of losing what is most dear to you. If he knows the agony of losing your heart before he *dies*," the brown eyes glittered with hatred as the clipped words flickered into the abyss between them, "then I will be content. But only then." He swirled the whisky in the cut crystal tumbler and then, throwing his head back, he swallowed it, the liquid burning a fiery trail down his gullet.

"Oh he will know," Stefano smiled malevolently as let his plan play through his mind, like the reel of a particularly immoral film. "He will most definitely know."


******

"Eugene," John knocked on the door to Q's bedroom, his hand still clutching Marlena's. "Eugene, we'd like to talk to you."

The room behind the door was silent and Marlena's nerves started to get the better of her.
"John, please, let's just leave it," she begged, unwilling to get involved in another confrontation tonight. All she really wanted to do was go to bed and sleep. After her nightmare and then the draining events following it, she was shattered and almost dead on her feet.

"Eugene," John knocked again, ignoring Marlena's lack of enthusiasm and she sighed, pulling the throw closer around her shoulders. John had taken it from the sofa downstairs and wrapped around her before they had made their way up the steps. But despite it's warmth, she was shivering with the early morning chill in the air and she was longing for her warm bed.

Footsteps sounded behind the door and it opened a crack to show an unyielding Q, his mouth set in a line of unrelenting ill-humour.
"Sorry to disturb you," John said stiffly, "but we need to talk."
"I think everything has been said hasn't it?" Q raised his brows soberly.
"I don't think so," John pushed on the door so that it opened slightly. "Uh....we..." he looked at Marlena who had averted her eyes and was staring deliberately at the floor, "I mean I'm sorry I was so abrupt down there. I was upset." The words were hard to spit out, but he had to say them. "I....," his eyes flicked to Marlena again, but she was still looking at the carpet, unwilling to give anything away to either of them with her expressive eyes. "Marlena and I sorted some things out downstairs and I...." He faltered, wondering suddenly if this was such a good idea after all as he saw Eugene's gaze sweep across to Marlena almost unconsciously.

Deciding that he had gone too far to back out now, he plunged onward, acutely aware of Marlena's tenseness at his side.
"I was wondering Eugene," he said awkwardly, "if you would reconsider leaving. Just for the time being," he added quickly.

"You want me to stay?" Q was more than just a little stunned. He had been expecting a myriad of things from John, from accusations to outright rage and orders to leave right now. Being asked to stay was about the last thing he had expected. "Why?" His chestnut coloured eyes betrayed his curiosity as he leaned against the doorframe.

"We know Stefano is close to Salem if not right here," John said without prevarication. "And if the past is anything to go by, we know his target is more than likely Marlena. While I can spend more time here than previously, the reality is that I can't be here twenty-four hours a day. And I don't want to leave Marlena unprotected."

"Can't you post a security guard outside the building? Outside the door?" Q asked.
"Eugene, you know how Stefano manages to infiltrate himself into these situations. I'm trying to think of one where he didn't manage to bribe at least one security guard and I'm struggling. I believe even when he kidnapped the twinners before I ever came to Salem, he had *his* men penetrate the company that Doc hired to keep the kids safe. I just can't take that risk. I need to know she has someone with her that I can trust."
"And you trust me?" Q asked blandly.
"Yes," John nodded, his sincerity quite clear to see.

"What does Marlena think about all this?" Q asked, his voice unusually controlled. "Does she want me to stay?" He watched Marlena shuffle uncomfortably and then slowly lift her head, her flushed cheeks only serving to enhance the gold of her eyes.

"I want you to do whatever is best for you," she said gently. "I don't want you to stay if it's going to be too painful for you."
"That's not what I asked Marlena," he said, his voice oddly emotionless so that she cringed with the coldness. "I asked if you wanted me to stay."

His eyes caught hers, chocolate seeking hazel in a sidestep of familiarity and strangeness. Her heart seemed to miss a beat and she felt peculiarly breathless as she tore her gaze from his.

"No," she whispered, her heart breaking with the choice she had to make. "I don't want you to stay."





Leaving Home Ain't Easy

"I'm sorry," she whispered softly, her hands shaking as she tucked them beneath the throw, pulling it close like some kind of shield. "I'm sorry, it's just wrong... It's too hard, for all of us."
"Doc, you know the reasons," John said in frustration. He hadn't expected her to back out, though a voice in the back of his mind told him he should have known her better than that. "I can deal with it. I'm sure Eugene can too."

"But I *can't*," she turned to him; her eyes swimming with unshed tears. "I can't do it John. Not any more. I thought I could pretend that nothing had happened. But you proved to me that *none* of us can do that." A tear dribbled over smooth skin and she flicked at it with irritated fingers. "I hurt you *both*. And I see you here in the same room and the way you look at each other...."

Her voice cracked and it was all she could do not to break down as she stood between the two of them. Eugene's face was a cold, controlled mask, hiding his pain and anger, and John's expression was one of hurt and confusion, stormy cobalt eyes signaling his dismay. In different ways, she had betrayed them both, betrayed John's love and Gene's friendship. And she couldn't continue to do that for her own selfish reasons. That wasn't fair on any of them. "That's my *fault*," she whispered, her lips feeling oddly as thought they didn't want to move of their own accord. But somehow the words still stumbled past, barely audible, but still potent. "And I have to make that right."

"Marlena," Q sighed. He hadn't wanted to make her feel guilty, but he should have known. He knew her too well to kid himself that she wouldn't blame herself for this whole sorry mess they found themselves in. It was what she did, when faced with pain, she took responsibility for it, even if it wasn't hers to take responsibility for. Like Sami's misbehaviour; like Roman's injuries. Somehow she always felt that it came back to her and her failings as a human being. He had hoped she had realized by now that it was all right to make mistakes; that everyone did. Even omnipotent Q's. No one was ever infallible.

"It wasn't your fault. So you screwed up? So did I. So did John. It's not up to *you* to make everything right. You can't do that, you can't just wave a magic wand and everything will be suddenly okay."
"I *know* that," she said angrily, as she turned on him, the throw swinging around her ankles slightly to reveal the translucent robe that clung to her beneath it. "Please don't patronize me Eugene. I am a psychiatrist, I do think I understand a little about human nature."
"All right, I'm sorry," he bowed his head slightly, realizing that arguing with her when she was in this frame of mind was probably going to be pointless. If not downright dangerous. "I just don't want you to feel guilty about something none of us can change."

"He's right Doc," John interrupted gently; almost surprised that he could actually agree with Eugene now without it twisting in his gut. "There's no point in dwelling on this any longer."
"Well how are we supposed to forget it when Gene is here day in, day out?" Marlena asked, a lump swelling painfully in her throat. Her bronze eyes questioned him with painful honesty and John felt himself drowning in among the truth of her words. "When we have to see each other every day? When you have to leave me here alone with him? When he runs into me in the kitchen in the middle of the night because neither of us can sleep....?"

John had no answer for that. The look on her face had captured him and drawn him into her pain and culpability and he could do nothing but think of how he needed to hold her and never let her go. He had to make her feel safe again; feel that she had done the best that she could for him and the children. But still there was the issue of her safety. And the reality that he alone could not assure it.

And so, instead, he reached out to touch her, his fingers grazing the softness of the chenille throw. He could see the outline of her pregnancy underneath the chartreuse fabric and it sparked his reply.

"I need to know you are safe Marlena. I *need* to know that DiMera can't get in here. I need to know that there is always someone here to protect you. You and the kids. I..." he dropped his hand over the bulge of the baby that nestled inside her, stroking the smooth fabric with loving fingers, "I can't risk losing you Doc. I can't even *think* about it. I have to protect my family Marlena, you *have* to understand that."

"At what cost John?" she asked, her voice trembling again. Her hazel eyes searched his mercilessly but she was only answered by an almost imperceptible lifting of John's shoulders. "Well, *I* need to protect my family too." Her voice was fierce and her eyes glistened with passion. "My family is my first priority and I need to make things right with you, and the children. I need to know that I am doing everything I can...."

Her voice became lost in the huskiness of emotion and her fist curled up tightly under the velvety covering. It was a nuance that was not lost on John. He knew her so well, knew how terrified she was by that one tiny gesture and he ached for her. Moving in front of her, he slowly lifted his own hands and covered her fists with large, warm palms, wrapping his fingers over the top of the small balls. She swallowed as he gazed down at her, his eyes so searingly blue that she thought she might lose herself in them. Her voice was shaking as she spoke.

"John we need to have the opportunity to straighten things out. By ourselves. And Eugene needs the opportunity to rest and heal. Those things can't happen while he's here. I'm sorry but they just can't. We'll just have to find another way...." She dipped her head, and John felt the slow warm droplets of moisture as they rolled over his fingers.

"Doc," his voice was like a gentle caress, enveloping her in his tender love, "I know you want to do the best you can, but baby, this is a two way street. We *both* have to work at making things right. And we'll do that, but sweetheart you have to understand that you could be in *danger*. You know just as well as I do that Stefano will never give up. And I can't stand by and give him the opportunity to just walk in here and take you away again."

He waited silently for her answer, but he could see her shoulders shake as she tried to control the sobs that came without warning.
"I can't," she shook her head as she looked up at him, tears streaking her pale face in long, glistening trails. "I'm afraid John. I'm too afraid."
"Afraid of what baby?" he asked softly.
"Sc...screwing things up.... again," she managed between tears. "I l... I love you too m... much to risk... to risk that."
"It's not going to happen baby," he lifted a hand and tenderly stroked her hair, realizing that this outburst was probably dictated more by hormones than anything else, and that reassurance was what she needed most. "We're strong. We've made it through the worst. And I love you. You can believe that even if you don't believe anything else."
"I l...love you too," her sobs slowed slightly. "But it's not just that John. I care about Gene too much to put him through this. I remember how much I hated living with you and Kristen. How the sight of the two of you together killed me everytime I saw you kissing....." She shook convulsively at the memory and John pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.

"I'm so sorry Doc. If I had only known....."
"Well please don't ask Gene to stay then," she whispered. "Please don't ask him to suffer that. John, it's just not fair."

Q watched the exchange with mixed feelings. On one hand part of him was glad that Marlena had said she wanted him to go. He didn't know how much longer he could stand seeing her day in, day out. Maybe if he was spared the sight of her, of her golden hair and gorgeous smile, of the skin that glowed rosy when she laughed. Of the sound of that laughter, like a peel of bells that bound him with their glorious melody. Maybe then he could be spared the torture of the dreams that haunted him. And maybe, after a time, her touch wouldn't burn him, wouldn't sear him like a thousand stars concentrated into one velvety soft moment.

But on the other hand, the thought of waking in the morning and knowing he wouldn't see her beautiful smile and hear her sweet good morning as she passed him a glass of orange juice, terrified him. She was like an addiction for him, he hated the fact that he craved her, but even the smallest smile or touch made his heart jump and he wasn't sure he could live without that.

But the reality was, that sooner or later, he was going to have to.

He watched as John loosened his arms from around Marlena and they turned to him with the tacit question echoing in their eyes. Blue and gold, so perfectly attuned that it hit him like a tangible force.

"I...." He wasn't sure what he was going to say, he only knew if he opened his mouth, the words would most likely come out. And he wasn't even sure what those words would be, he only knew they expected some kind of answer from him. An answer he wasn't sure he had the will to give them.

Marlena pulled the chenille blanket closer around her once more as she shivered uncontrollably. Her blonde hair rested in tangled curls around her face where the moisture from her tears had dampened it and her eyes were large and dark, set in impossibly pale skin. She needed sleep and needed it badly and he was only postponing the inevitable.

"I can't stay," he said hoarsely wrapping his arms in front of him as though it could protect him from the pain he was feeling. "I wish I could help. I want Marlena to be safe as much as you do, but I'm too distracted to be much use to anybody right now." Neither of them said anything, and he immediately felt like the biggest jerk on this side of the Alpha Quadrant. "I'm sorry. I wish I could, I just can't do it. It's not right for me to be here. I...." He shook his head rapidly, desperate to just escape this torture. "Maybe you could get someone else you trust, Roman or Bo. I just can't...."

He switched his abstracted gaze to Marlena and his vow to be strong shattered. His shoulders dropped and the pain flooded into his russet-coloured eyes. "I love you Marlena. And I want you to be happy. That's why I can't...."

His words were swallowed by the muffled silence in the room and the thump of his heart seemed to echo painfully in his ears as the moment slowed down to an almost infinite second, all movements slow and agonizing. Then, he grabbed his bag from the bed with stiff, cold fingers and slung it over his shoulder.

A look of panic flashed momentarily in Marlena's eyes and she clutched desperately at John's robe as Eugene passed her, exiting the room that had for so long been his.

"Gene!" she wasn't that far behind him as he thumped down the stairs with heavy footsteps. "Gene, you don't have to go right now."
"I may as well," he shrugged, trying to hide the pain that ripped through him at the sight of her distress. "What's the point in staying?"
"You don't have anywhere to go..." she searched for the words as she tried to work out why she was suddenly so upset that he was going, when only five minutes ago, she had told him that she didn't want him there anymore. Slowly, her breathing returned to normal and she looked up at him with sad eyes as she felt John's arms around her shoulders. "Gene, where will you go? Where will you stay?" she asked tiredly.

"I'm not sure," he exhaled, his shoulders slumping, "but you don't need to worry on that accord Marlena. I'm not the same man that came to Salem without a memory or a place to belong. I'll get along just fine." His chocolate eyes softened as he looked at her weary face. "You need to concentrate on your family."

The finality in his voice struck her, sending her heart thumping almost painfully in her chest as she considered the implications.

"Are you leaving Salem?" she asked in a shaking voice.
"I don't think so," he dispelled her fears with a quick shake of the head. "John's right, Stefano is close. And even if I can't stay here in the apartment, I promise I'll be near enough that if you need me, I will know."

"Gene I..." she swallowed heavily, the tears salty on her lips as the relief surged through her. She wanted him to go but she couldn't bear the thought of losing him all together, no matter how selfish that might be. "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too," he gave her a sad smile. "If I had known..." his sigh was weighed with regret. "Make it right with your family Marlena. And be happy."

Before she could answer him, he had turned and passed through the open door. She watched the handle move upwards as the latch clicked into place and she closed her eyes as she leaned back into John's strong embrace.

"I'm sorry," she murmured eventually, as she dried her cheeks with the corner of the throw. "I know you need to keep me safe, but I can't be the cause of any more pain." She twisted around in his arms and looked at him from red-rimmed eyes. "I couldn't put any of us through any more pain John." Her voice was hoarse and scratchy and she stumbled over the words as the baby suddenly shifted uncomfortably within her. "I can't take it. I can't ask either of you to bear any more because of me. And I couldn't....." she pressed her lips together and closed her eyes as she felt the hot prickle of tears threaten again. "I'm sorry..."

"Hey," John's voice was warm and loving as he brushed the side of her face tenderly. "It's okay Doc. I understand." He felt the muscles in her back tense under his hand and she opened her eyes, blinking quickly as she tried to discern whether his words were sincere.
"You do?" her chin trembled as she spoke.
"You've been through so much Doc. How could I blame you for wanting to put *us* first?" he smiled as he pushed the damp hair off her face in a gesture imbued with all the love he felt for her. "In fact, a big part of me is glad you insisted. I really don't know if I could have taken seeing you with him, even after everything...."
"You really don't mind?" she could feel the tension roll from her shoulders even as he held her.
"Well, I will have to work out some other way to keep you safe..." his fingers drifted smoothly across the swell of her cheek and downwards until his thumb grazed her lower lip, "but no, I really don't mind. The thought of having you all to myself is getting more and more appealing all the time."

"Hmmmmm..." she managed a little smile, but the whirlwind of the last twenty-four hours was taking its toll and suddenly she felt as though her knees were made of rubber as they buckled on her.
"Marlena!" John was quick enough to drop his arm and catch her before she slipped from his grasp. "Oh God Doc, baby are you okay? Doc?" His voice was filled with fear; fear that curled around him with shivering conviction as she slowly lifted her eyes to his, hazels weary and softly blurring. "Sweetheart, please, tell me you're all right," he pleaded, through bleached lips.
"I'm okay," she breathed softly, clinging to him, as her body, seemingly amorphous for a moment, became solid again. "I'm okay."
"You don't look okay," his voice was strained as he studied her face guiltily. He couldn't believe what an asshole he had been. It suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks that this was exactly the very *last* thing she needed. He had been obsessed with his own jealousy and pain and he had taken it out on her when what she had really needed was his love and support.

"God, I'm such a selfish bastard. Mike told me the very last thing that you needed was to be put under any more stress. And what did I do? Listened to my own selfish, paranoid imaginings and made you suffer-"
"John," she stopped him with a straight hand against his chest and a firmness in her voice. "We needed to say what was said tonight. We should have said it a long time ago."

"But Doc-" she was ashen and exhausted looking as she tried to assuage his guilt, and somehow, that only ended up adding to it. How could he have been so utterly wrapped up in himself? Sometimes he wondered why the hell she still loved him, after everything he had put her through. "Sweetheart I'm sorry. Maybe we did need to talk about it, but tonight.... after the news about Stefano...and that dream you had....." He winced at the memory of her hunched over in the bathroom. "I'm really sorry baby. I..."

"You needed to say it," she said tiredly. "And I'm glad you did. I'm glad we got it all out in the open, no matter how painful it is. Because we can fix it now." She reached up and traced the lines at the corner of his eye with cool fingers. "We promised to be honest with each other. But we were still trying to protect each other from the pain that we felt. But we both know now that it doesn't work. If we say honesty then we have to *mean* total honesty."

John said nothing as he gazed down her, captivated by the way that she could put her whole soul into words that really mattered to her so that they echoed in her eyes and the way that she moved. She didn't just say words, she *felt* them. She lived them.

"I'm just worried about you Doc," he said softly, tightening his arms around her so that her belly was hard against his. "You must know how much you and the baby mean to me. If anything was to happen to you and it was my fault.... I don't think I could ever forgive-"
"*Nothing* is going to happen to me, or to the baby," Marlena said steadily. "Except that maybe I might fall asleep standing here." She yawned, as if to prove her point. "I'm just tired John, it's been a long, trying night and I'm just tired."
"You're sure that's all?" he asked worriedly. "You feel okay? No dizziness or pain?"
"No," she blinked again, trying to keep her rapidly failing vision from doubling on her. All of a sudden she was absolutely shattered and she just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for the next three days. "No," she shook her head, punctuating the movement with another yawn. "Just really, really tired. And wanting to go to bed," she added.

"Okay, point taken," he grinned, figuring that if she was giving him orders then she couldn't be feeling too bad. Hooking one arm under her knees, he lifted her into his arms and smiled as she rested her head against his broad shoulder. By the time he reached the bedroom, she was already asleep.


~ * ~


"Morning sleepyhead," Marlena's eyelids fluttered slowly open as John's voice penetrated the haze of blissful sleep that cocooned her.
"Mmmmmm," she stretched her body languidly as he leaned over to press his lips to her forehead. "Morning." Her voice was warm and rich, imbued with the remnants of peaceful sleep.
"How are you feeling?" he brushed the hair gently from her face as he placed a mug of steaming hot tea on the bedside table next to her and lowered himself to sit on the edge of the bed. She took a moment to think about it and then smiled.
"I feel pretty good." She drew her arm out from under the cover and laid her hand over his. "What time is it?"

"Almost eleven," he grinned, "Mike has been waiting downstairs since ten but we didn't have the heart to disturb you. You looked so beautiful and peaceful lying there."
"Oh no John!" her face fell, "Mike's busy, you should have woken me!"
"Don't worry Doc," he said lightly, his fingers linking with hers, "he's perfectly happy, Lucie is keeping him well occupied. And he was just as eager as I was to let you get some sleep. Especially after he gave me the third degree about upsetting you last night."

"You told him?" she was wide-awake now and she struggled to push herself up against the pillows.
"Well, that nanny of yours made it a little difficult for me to avoid it." He didn't look quite so happy as he told her how Lucie had been more than eager to tell Mike about the shouting she had heard and how Eugene had moved out in the middle of the night. "Doc I don't know if I trust that girl. She seems to make it her business to tell everybody our business."
"Mike isn't everybody," she leaned her head on one side. "And she *is* dating him. I think she's just young John. She needs to learn some discretion sure, but I don't think you need to worry about trusting her. I think she's harmless."
"I'm sorry Doc," he shook her head. The last thing Lucie struck him as was young and innocent. He couldn't quite pin his finger on exactly what it was, but there was something about her that set his nerves on edge and he found himself on guard whenever she was around. "I'm afraid I'm not that sure that she *is* that harmless."
"I think you're paranoid," she laughed, easing his mood with a simple squeeze of the hand. "But if you insist, I promise I'll keep an eye on her okay?"

"Good," he grinned and handed her the mug of tea. "I'll go and get Mike to come and check you over now if you like."
"I wouldn't say *like* was the right word," she raised her brows, "but I guess if I have to..."
"You have to," he bit back his smile, "don't you even think about backing out now Evans."
"Is that a threat Black?" she looked amused as he leaned close.
"Why, would you like it to be?" he asked suggestively, his smile blossoming as he raise her hand back over her head, holding it against the padded headboard above her.
"I'd like to think of it as more of a promise," she felt her heart fluttering at the feeling of his breath, warm against her skin. The sensation quickly shimmered into desire as his lips brushed along the line of her jaw and she moaned softly.

"All right, enough of the sweet talk you two," Lucie's melodic southern drawl interrupted them, "Dr. Mike has work to do you know."
John grinned at the tiny groan of frustration that issued from Marlena's throat as he released her hand and sat back.
"Come on in Mike. She says she's feeling better." He beckoned to Mike who entered the bedroom as Lucie disappeared to do whatever it was that she had to do.
"Well I would certainly hope so," Mike set his bag beside the bed and raised his eyebrows pointedly. "I hear you've not been sticking to my orders Dr. Evans."
"Oh Mike, it was kind of unavoidable," she replied blandly, not willing to go into the whys and wherefores of what had happened last night. "But I think that in the long run it was for the best."
"Well if you'll let me check you over, I'll judge that for myself I think," Mike sat on the edge of the bed that John had just vacated and picked up Marlena's hand, locating her pulse with a practised hand.
"You know it wasn't that much of a big deal," Marlena said defensively, filling in the awkward silence as he nodded at his watch. "And I'm fine now..."

"That's not the point Marlena," Mike wrapped the vecroed cuff around her upper arm and inflated it with rapid squeezes as he pressed his stethoscope to the inside of her elbow. "And it didn't sound like nothing to me. By all accounts it was quite a fight. Must have been if Eugene left."
"That wasn't the reason he left," she frowned. "And besides, sometimes these things just happen. We didn't plan on it you know."
"I know," Mike released the valve slightly, letting the air seep out, reading the pressure as he did. "I just wish you'd take some advice now and then Marlena. I just want to make sure you and the baby are all right. And stay that way," he added sharply.

"We know you do and it won't happen again Mike," John climbed onto the other side of the bed and took Marlena's hand. "We've sorted it out now."
"Good," Mike ripped the velcro open and pulled the cuff from her arm before removing the stethoscope from his ears and hanging it around his neck. "Your blood pressure is still a little higher than I would like though. I don't suppose you'd consider..."
"Mike, if it makes you happy I'll go and have a checkup with Dr. Robbins," Marlena rubbed her arm briskly, "but I am *not* booking into the hospital for tests. That would be more stress than I could handle."

"All right, but you have to promise to go...." he looked at her for a moment and then smiled slyly as he held his hand up.
"Wha-" she watched him pick up the phone and dial.
"Hi, this is Mike Horton, I'd like to make an appointment for one of Dr. Robbins patients at the earliest opportunity." He grinned as she made an indignant noise, crossing her arms in front of her. "That's right, Marlena Evans. She had a little fainting spell yesterday afternoon and she had some pains so I ?d appreciate it if David could see her this afternoon. Mmmm-hmmm," he nodded, "yes her blood pressure is a little higher than I feel comfortable with but," he fixed an eye on Marlena, "she refuses to go to the hospital so I'm compromising." He laughed in response to a comment on the other end of the line. "Most doctors are bad, but she's one of the worst."
"Hey!" Marlena interrupted, her teasing coloured by a hint of annoyance. "You're supposed to be nice to me remember? No stress? Doctors orders?"
"All right," he nodded, ignoring her. "Two o'clock, that sounds great. Thanks very much."

He rang off and looked at Marlena with a quietly triumphant air.
"No excuses all right?"
"All right," she rolled her eyes. "Honestly Mike, you're worse than a mother hen."
"After all the drama I have been through over these babies, I want to make sure that they are born safe and healthy," Mike told her, with more than a little seriousness in his manner. "And speaking of which. John, I'm not sure how comfortable I am keeping Kristen sedated. Short term it's reasonably safe but I don't want to risk it for too long."

"Do you think keeping her under sedation would be more dangerous than she could be to herself, or others in that state of mind?" John asked pointedly, squeezing Marlena's hand in a gesture of comfort, as much for himself as for her.
"I would hope that she would calm down a bit once she comes out to," Mike replied reasonably as he dropped his stethoscope into his bag.
"Mike, she's totally unhinged. You really think she is capable of calming down?" John shook his head, recalling Kristen's ranting the other night. "The only hope we would have is that she might fool herself into believing none of it happened. But I wouldn't hold my breath."

"What exactly did happen?" Marlena asked quietly, her heart pounding in her chest as she listened to the exchange between Mike and John. "You've avoided telling me but I think I would like to know what happened. This is my baby too and I'd like to know what's going on."
"It was messy Doc," John knew that in part she was testing him. Total honestly she had said. And he couldn't pick and choose what to tell her. Not now. "Kristen had trashed my room when I got back there. She'd totally destroyed my pictures of you and Belle." He glanced at Mike, halfway expecting him to try and stop the tale, but the young man was watching Marlena. "She accused me of being with you and when I tried to tell her I hadn't been, she flew into a total rage." He let out a shaky breath and looked down at the elegant hand that was entwined with his big, clumsy one.
"Go on," she prompted gently.

"She saw the bruises," he choked as he remembered the look on Kristen's face as her fears were confirmed, like all the pieces had locked into place and the solution was irrefutable. "The ones from...." his eyes flicked in Mike's direction.
"The sofa," Marlena murmured. She remembered the spontaneous lovemaking only too well and she still bore the marks wrought by John's mouth.
"Yeah," he nodded, the adrenaline spiraling through his veins, cooling even the tips of his fingers. "Well that was all she needed and she went for me, screaming like she was absolutely demented."

"She attacked you?" Marlena was shocked and she reached out her hand to lay it against his chest, "why didn't you tell me this before?"
"Because she didn't just attack me," he told her softly, "she threatened *you*. And that was what really scared me. And that's why I'm frightened that she'll come around from the sedation in exactly the same frame of mind. Because Doc, quite honestly, I think she's capable of just about anything."

"You really think she would try and hurt me...?" Marlena's voice wavered as she tried to process the information. But why *wouldn't* Kristen try and hurt her? The woman was devoid of morals and she would do anything to ensure she got what she wanted. And if she was as far down the path of insanity as John was saying, then she was unlikely to stop short of murder to get what she wanted.

Marlena had seen it again and again in her practice, and she had seen it at a more personal and frightening level with Stella Lombard. When someone lost their grip on reality, consequences no longer existed; and that gave them enormous scope to play out whatever evil occurred to them. That Kristen was Stefano's daughter, made it all the more likely.

"Don't worry baby," John folded his arm around her soothingly. "I promise you that she won't ever come near you. I'll make sure of that."
"I know you will," she did feel safe and protected with John at her side, but the reality was, he was talking short term. And she knew only too well that obsessions were often unending. Shivering, she turned to Mike. "What happens if you reduce the dosage and she comes to as psychotic as she went under?"
"I suppose we could put her in the psych ward at University Hospital," he shrugged. "Until she's had the baby."
"Don't you think she might try and harm the child to get John's attention?" she asked, her mind going into overdrive. "In cases where a delusion is torn away and the patient thinks all is lost, they may often try to harm themselves or destroy things close to them. It's a way of ensuring they can't be ignored."

"Well what do you suggest Marlena?" Mike was happy to admit that this wasn't his area of expertise. "I mean, as you rightly pointed out, it's your child at stake here."
"To be quite honest?" her eyes clouded as the options arranged themselves in her mind. "If I wasn't involved I would suggest that you reduce the sedation gradually and for John to stay exclusively with Kristen until the baby is born."
"No way Marlena!" John shook his head firmly. "That is not happening, that's a fact."
"That's why I said if I wasn't involved," her smile was tempered by sadness. "I wish I could say I could do this on my own, but I can't." She looked back at Mike, despondency glimmering in her eyes. "I need John here, at least some of the time."
"Of course you do," Mike nodded his understanding with a small smile. "I don't think anyone would blame you for that either. But it still leaves us with the question of what we should do."

"I think I have an idea..." John said slowly. He had been running through the alternatives in his mind just as Marlena had. And he had been feeling more and more devoid of hope as they had spoken, until a choice presented itself that he could not ignore.

"Mike, can I trust you to make any decision you think is necessary to keep Kristen and the baby safe?" he asked carefully.
"Well of course you can John but..." Mike's eyebrows met in confusion.
"Well with Stefano so close and the whole deal with Kristen," John shrugged and turned to Marlena, "how do you feel about taking a business trip baby?"
"What?" she looked almost as baffled as Mike.
"The only way I can think of keeping you safe is getting you out of town all together. When Kristen wakes up as far as she's concerned, I'm on a business trip. We can set it up to look legit and Mike here can keep an eye on her for us along with Maya. If she looks like she's going to do anything drastic, they can call us." He smoothed his hand gently over her rounded belly with a smile. "In the meantime, this will buy us a little time together. We can go alone or take the kids. It's your call."

"But John, we can't just leave town," she argued weakly. "Isn't it a little naïve to think Kristen will just accept that? If she knows about you and I, if she remembers that....how are Maya and Mike supposed to cope with her?" She pursed pale lips. "And what about Carrie? What about your job? People will start asking questions if we both disappear together, don't you think?"

"To be quite honest baby, I don't care." He cupped her cheek in the curve of his large hand. "I trust Mike and Maya to be able to cope with Kristen. If she comes out of this sedation remembering, having me around might do more harm than good. Perhaps staying out of the way until we know how she is going to be is the best thing." His thumb stroked the curve of her cheek as his gaze melted into hers. "I want to spend some time with you before this baby is born. Just the two of us. No Kristen, no Eugene and no Stefano. I just want you all to myself. And if that means I get to keep you safe at the same time then all the better. Maybe it's a little selfish of me, but right now it seems like the ideal solution."

"It might not be a bad idea at that," Mike chimed in. "As long as we can stop people speculating that the two of you are together then if Kristen co-operates, she could probably even get out of the apartment and the truth would be relatively safe."
"Well as far as anyone has to know, Marlena is just resting at home for a few days." John suggested. "If the worst comes to the worst Lucie can tell them she had to visit her parents. And I'll go into work this afternoon and set it up with Nicole that I'm in NYC for business meetings. Sami can know the truth of course and she can help maintain the façade."

?This is way too complicated," Marlena sighed heavily. "It's bound to go wrong somewhere."
"As long as Mike's close by with the sedatives for Kristen, I think we'll be fairly safe," John reassured her easily.
"John, don't you think-?"
"Uh-uh," he shook his head, "no arguments thank you. I'm going to go and arrange things now." He unwrapped his arms from around her and rubbed her stomach gently. "And *you*, Dr. Evans need to start packing."
"But John-" Marlena remained unconvinced as her mind played through the myriad of things that could go wrong. It seemed much too risky as far as she was concerned.

"No buts Marlena," he replied firmly. "I will take care of everything. I don't want you to worry about it one little bit. Mike agrees with me, don't you Mike?" he raised his brows meaningfully and Mike nodded.
"I think this would be really good for you Marlena. I think getting away for a few days, just the two of you, is exactly what you need. In fact," he grinned, "the doctor is ordering it."
"There you go," John laughed. "You can't argue now can you?"

Marlena was more than a little annoyed as she looked at the two of them. If she didn't know better, she'd swear there was some kind of conspiracy going on here. But, she supposed, as she thought about it a little more, if it was a conspiracy, it wasn't a particularly bad one. The idea of being alone with John for a few days was more than a little appealing.
"Well if you're going to be like that," a smile curled the corners of her lips upwards as she conceded the disagreement. "Where are we going?"

"*That* remains for me to know and for you to find out," he winked at her, aware of how much not knowing was going to drive her crazy.
"John!" her face fell, "how will I know what to pack?"
"You'll just have to guess I suppose," his mouth quirked into an amused smile, "it's not like you don't usually don't take half your wardrobe anyway Doc."
"Hey!" She crossed her arms across her chest defensively, her expressive eyes conveying her mixture of exasperation and amusement. "What is this, pick on Marlena day?"
"Yeah," John laughed as he leaned over to kiss her. "Just pack what you feel comfortable in Doc. If we need anything, we can always buy it."

Before Marlena could say anything else, both John and Mike were on their feet and saying goodbye. Mike left and then John was telling her he would be back in time to take her to the appointment with Dr. Robbins.

"Just leave it to me Doc," he repeated his earlier assurance. "I'll arrange it all. You just relax okay?"
"Easy for you to say," she grumbled as she reached out for the robe on the end of the bed. "You know where we're going."
"The sooner you get packed, the sooner you'll find out," John leaned over and kissed her gently. "Trust me okay?"
"Okay," she sighed, resigned to the fact that she wasn't going to get anything out of John until he was ready to tell her. She pulled the robe on over her shoulders and then looked up at him. "Hurry back?"
"You know I will," he nodded with a gentle smile. "As soon as I can baby."
"I love you," she whispered, catching his hand as he turned to leave.
"Oh baby, I love you too," he smiled happily, "and I just can't *wait* until the day I can tell the whole world that fact."

"Soon," she whispered as she slipped her feet out of the bed and stood up. She slid her arms around his neck, pressing her body against his. "We'll be able to do that soon. And we'll be a family, you and me and the children and we'll spend the rest of our lives just loving each other and being happy."
"That sounds just like heaven Doc," he murmured with a grin that he knew looked absolutely idiotic. But he didn't care. He was so in love with her that he didn't care about anything except being with her. Everything else seemed unimportant. "That's all I've ever wanted you know."
"I know," she smiled and brushed his lips with a gentle kiss. "Now you'd better go, because I have some packing to do."

"All right then." Now it was actually time to go, he found himself more than reluctant to leave her alone. But he had no choice. He had to move and he had to do it fast. There was too much to do to waste any time. As he had said to her earlier, the sooner he got started, the sooner he would be back here.

"I love you Doc," he whispered again as he kissed her forehead. "I promise I'll be back as soon as I can."






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