août 31, 2004


I *am* still alive, just still recovering from a really full-on big-time party weekend.

my social life rocks the casbah!

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août 26, 2004


I made a mistake on Saturday night.

One that was a combination of pride, sheer stupidity and a goodly amount of alcohol.

We were with our group of straight friends and we ended up at one of the gay clubs in town. Which in and of itself was fine. It was fun and everyone was enjoying themselves.

I'm not going to go into the whats, whys and wherefores but I ended up being kissed and then dragged off the dance floor to exchange phone numbers with some random woman who said she would like to strike up a friendship with me.

Yeah, because that's a really *good* idea. ::facepalm::

There's more to this, which I really am not going into, just suffice it to say, my girl wasn't terribly happy with me. In fact, it turned out that she'd gotten completely the wrong idea from my disappearance.

I'll just add here that I personally don't see the point in cheating. If there's something that wrong with your relationship that you feel the need to look elsewhere then you either need to attempt to sort out the relationship and get your communication back on-track or you need to get out of the relationship. Because for me, there is no point in sex without love, or at least strong emotional feelings underlying it. For me, sex is beautiful *because* it's an act of love, of connection and emotional intimacy. I can't ever imagine baring my soul to a stranger like I do when I sleep with someone I love. And without that baring, that raw intimacy, sex is simply skin and stimulation. And while that might be enough for some people, that's not enough for me.

It was just weird. Because to me it had been so totally innocent, although admittedly probably sparked by a little anger and resentment. J said to me at one point that she felt like I was testing her and she didn't like it. And I probably was. I donít like that about myself but I am certainly capable of throwing out a test or two if I get in the wrong frame of mind. And I was pretty much in the wrong frame of mind on Saturday night. And boy, I got a reaction.

When we got home, she was pretty pissed. She didn't want to talk about it, but you know me, I'm like a dog with a bone when there's a problem. So we talked. She was pissed, I got upset, I apologized, assured her that it was all completely innocent and we talked out the implications of what had happened and why it had happened.

I felt like a jerk. Really. It took me a couple of days to really get over it. I told her the next day that it's probably the first time she's been really cross with me. And I didn't like it. But nonetheless, we tackled it and we communicated and talked it out. And that's good.

I asked her the next day if she really thought I was off shagging that woman. She said she thought I was off kissing her or something. I guess it hurts a bit that she would think I would do something like that to her. But I know that's not really so much about me and our relationship. There's other stuff going on there that's her own stuff. And I should have respected that. And also the fact that I was not the only one with a goodly portion of alcohol inside me.

What *is* good is that she believed the truth rather than hanging onto a suspicion. That's an important distinction.

It was an experience. A lesson to learn. A lesson that I am indeed human and still prone to cocking up once in a while. A lesson that I can't afford to be paranoid and that I need to consider her feelings in the same way she needs to consider mine. And a lesson that I maybe need to stop drinking *quite* so muchÖ..

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août 24, 2004


I'm back! You may not have noticed that I've been gone. But I was.

A flying trip to London once again, and Jackie and I saw Madonna in concert last night.

It was awesome. She was awesome.

Although, not as much as Melissa. While it was a fanstastic spectacle and a once in a lifetime experience, we didn't come out buzzing the way we did with Melissa. I said to Jackie that I think that has something to do with the way Melissa connected with the audience, as well as the fact that with Melissa, the concert is about the music and not the spectacle. With her Madge being such a superstar, there is naturally a bit of a barrier between her and the audience. But still, fantastic spectacle, just wish we had been a little closer.

So, there's another thing to tick off my lifetime list of things to do.

And I'm fricken' shattered with all the travelling and the not sleeping on a hard hotel bed, so I will say more tomorrow....

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août 18, 2004


Oh Auntie Beeb, how I love you...

I have a split screen and I'm watching the equestrian eventing while I'm working.

It seriously rocks.

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août 17, 2004


I've still to hear 'offically' via personnel, but all bar the shouting, I have my pay rise.

I've been bumped from a grade three position to a grade 5. I won't be getting a big wad of backpay, which sucks, but at least they are recognizing that I am doing a good job and I am doing much more and much more complicated work than I was actually hired to do.

And I will be getting paid enough to actually survive and maybe be able to save towards a trip home come next February.

Go me!

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tropical downpours

Florida might have been battered by charley, but damned if the UK isn't getting a small touch of it.

last week in huddersfield they had an entire august's rain in 2 hours. many rivers around here have broken their banks at least once in the past two weeks. we're bracing for more.

and check out the flash flooding in boscastle, cornwall.

click to see story & more  pictures

the remnants of bonnie are heading our way - due to hit the north of england and scotland later on today, with the remains of charley following in it's wake. we simply haven't had a summer this summer and it shows no sign of improving...

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août 16, 2004


I've never had to sit by and watch somebody I know and care about suffer a serious illness.

the closest I've really been is half a world away from a friend who had the big c. thank god she came out okay.

now, someone close that I care about is going through the whole shebang. lumpectomy and now chemo. and it really, really sucks.

it's one thing to feel helpless when it comes to your own life. quite another when it is someone nearby.

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août 13, 2004


helz, if you're reading this, please email me.

ta. ;)

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the good, the bad and the downright beautiful...

We had some wicked thunderstorms and fucking torrential rain last night. J and I cuddled up on the couch and listened to the thunder crack right overhead on and off for a couple of hours.

Thunderstorms generally don't bother me. I mean, when you are brought up in a city that straddles two tectonic plates, thunderstorms really are the least of your worries. J's not too keen on them though and last night they were even a little close for comfort for me. We really only get sheet lightning back home in NZ, so that crack of close forked lightning always seems to take me by surprise. I remember back when I was in TN and when the afternoon thunderstorms were hitting the ground in the general vicinity sometimes I could even feel when they hit - a sort of frisson of electricity running over my skin. The weirdest feeling.

And then I came in this morning to several emails. I have a very close friend who's directly in the projected path and who isn't leaving because she's required to work. That's scary stuff. A couple more people I know are also down that way and are evacuating.

On the plus side, one of the emails was from a good friend back home whom I haven't heard from for a while. That has to be one of the best feelings in the world - opening up your inbox to an unexpected but incredibly welcome email. Especially when they tell you're they're expecting a baby!! Dude, rock ON!

an aside to my friend - congrats babe!! - if you read this before I email you, I am *wicked* happy for you.

So it's bad and it's good. Like life has a tendency to be.

For the rest of the day I'll be checking the path of Charley and thinking about my friends and praying they stay safe. and being happy for my other friend.

Then I'm going home to a lovely home-cooked meal courtesy of my girl and we're going to curl up on the couch, drink lovely wine and watch the Opening Ceremony in Athens.

I'm so blessed and so lucky to have such a great life and such wonderful friends and loved ones.

All of you in Florida, stay safe, okay?

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août 12, 2004


the landlords of our local are being moved on by the brewery. they seem to do this on a regular basis. we just get used to one set of landlords and then suddenly, they are leaving.

last night they threw a kareoke bash at the pub and we all got absolutely blathered. shell, the landlady cried. her daughter cried. she hugged all of us. more than once. it was sad, because they're great people and we were just getting to know them. and they're really upset to be leaving because they simply love the locals. because we're a lot of fun. yes we get drunk and sing really loudly but we are fun with it.

however since I was recovering from two straight weeks of PMS, I probably wasn't as on-form as I could have been. jackie, however was completely on-form. and completely mothered, and she was flirting outrageously with a group of builders that were in. one in particular was quite interested and at one point was running his hand over her back.

Now, I'm not generally a jealous girlfriend, I know Jackie is a flirt and I also know she would never, *ever* do anything more than flirt. And she would never hurt me intentionally. But seeing him touch her last night sent a white hot flame of jealousy through me.

Knowing I was pissed off, she didn't encourage him. Well, mostly she didn't encourage him. But she didn't tell him to fuck off either. Which is what I really would have preferred. I was pretty pissed off, I have to say. And if he hadn't been like 8 inches taller than me and probably twice as strong as me, I might have told him to fuck off myself.

Instead, I took myself off for a dance with the rest of the girls and later told Jackie how I felt. She understood and we both knew if the positions had been reversed, she would have felt exactly the same. As I told her, I don't mind it with the boys we know - with them I know it's all just a joke and is harmless. But when it's someone you don't know, it has the propensity to turn into more than just a joke. If the other participant in the flirtation doesn't understand it's nothing more than a flirtation, the situation can quickly get beyond your control.

It's weird though, I don't think I've ever felt quite that level of jealousy before. It was an odd feeling. Not good, but not necessarily bad either. Just a confirmation of my feelings for her. For both of us.

I don't know, is it wrong to love someone and feel just a little bit possessive and jealous occasionally? Personally, I don't think it is. I think a little bit of jealousy now and then as long as it's worked through healthily and constructively by both parties adds a little bit of fire and passion to the relationship. It certainly makes life interesting.

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août 10, 2004


the case was adjourned. again. to december.

I have wicked PMS, I'm a week late and I can't sleep.

and I hate the world.

that is all.

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août 06, 2004


People are often unreasonable, illogical,and self-centered;
forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, there may be jealousy;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Theresa

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août 05, 2004

tough times

there's some stuff going on in my life right now. like, stuff that you really don't want to be going on.

the court case is supposed to finally take place early next week, except now j's close friend who one of the four defendants with j and her brother-in-law and nephew is in the coronary care unit after calling an ambulance yesterday due to chest pains.

and then there's j's sister who is ill after her first chemo treatment. her husband is pressuring her to attend the court case and give evidence even though she is back in hospital thanks to a throat infection. which isn't going down well with j's sister, or j. or me, come to that.

this stuff with j's sister is scary. thankfully follow-up tests so far show no evidence of the cancer having spread. we're just crossing our fingers. it's really hard on my girl though because she lost her mother when she was young and her sister has been like her mother ever since.

I'm trying to support her the best I can, but it's hard to know what to say or do for someone in this situation. especially since I haven't been in it myself. I know I'm incredibly blessed that I haven't.

it has rather put this whole court case thing into perspective j and I though. as I said to j last night, to hold onto the anger only makes you a victim in the end. there comes a time where you have to realize that none of us can control the outcome of the case. injustices may be done. in the end you simply have to accept what happened, happened and move on. at least if you want some degree of peace you do.

no-one ever said life was fair. *I* know it's not. so does j. all you can do is take it day by day and make the best of the hand that you get dealt.

that said, if you're so inclined, prayers and positive vibes for all concerned will be appreciated.

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août 03, 2004

genealogy made fun

How cool! now has a genealogy sister site.

It allows you to create your own family tree and the names in it are available for all members to search. as such you can search for names everyone else has put in. for a nominal yearly fee you apparently can see other people's family trees and some other nifty things.

I think there are several people I might want to email about this. My mother's cousin who lives close by has lots of information on my maternal side stretching back to the french revolution. On my father's side we have information for many of the family back to the beginning of the 19th century. I am pretty sure my mother holds all this, but I'm not sure she could locate it quickly.

It would be fascinating to collect all this information in one place and then see if it matched up with any other information on the site.

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août 02, 2004

new photos

New pictures for those interested - from spring.  London films have yet to be developed....

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a little touch of unreality

I love my father. He's pissed me off immensely at times, but I love him, nonetheless.

There have been occasions in the past few years that this has pained me. But somewhere in the past month or two it seems I managed to let go of the old greivances. Now what would have upset me in the past no longer has the same effect on me. It might irritate me for a while but on the whole, I recognize that he is who he is, he loves me in the best way he knows how and that's as much as I'll get. And it's as much as I need now.

I had an email from him on Saturday morning. He's getting married to his girlfriend on September 10th. He wants me to be there.

Nice thought Dad, but realistic? Uh, not so much. Air tickets from the UK to New Zealand - five weeks out during summer? During enrolment month at work? I really couldn't help but laugh.

And let's face it, while I love him? Still not so sure that I could sit/stand through a wedding to the woman he shacked up with on leaving my mother.

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inane quiz time

Wackiness: 72/100
Rationality: 46/100
Constructiveness: 68/100
Leadership: 60/100

You are a WECL--Wacky Emotional Constructive Leader. This makes you a people's advocate. You are passionate about your causes, with a good heart and good endeavors. Your personal fire is contagious, and others wish they could be as dedicated to their beliefs as you are.

Your dedication may cause you to miss the boat on life's more slight and trivial activities. You will feel no loss when skipping some inane mixer, but it can be frustrating to others to whom such things are important. While you find it difficult to see other points of view, it may be useful to act as if you do, and play along once in a while.

In any event, you have buckets of charisma and a natural skill for making people open up. Your greatest asset is an ability to make progress while keeping the peace.

The better Personality Quiz at Jenny Turpish Slapped Me

Actually I have to confess, I think this is scarily accurate, considering how obscure the 'questions' are.

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