mai 28, 2004

moments

Jax and I went for a walk last night around the lake in the park. It was a heavenly evening, cool but with long rays of golden sunlight stretching across the water and into the woods.

We walked and I watched the way the light reached wavering fingers between the trees, alighting on the new, lime green grass and caressing it with the gentlest of lingering touches. At one point along the path, there was a log fluttering with the reflections of shimmering water.

There was a swan watching us with beady eyes as we made our way around and the birds trilled like mad in the trees that overshadowed us. We passed any number of dogs, large and small, we passed fishermen, we passed pretty girls walking arm in arm.

Rounding onto the other side of the lake, we walked past the hawthorn that edged the lake. The hawthorn is in flower at the moment and when you get close, the scent is divine. There really can't be anywhere more beautiful in springtime than England.

Every day I try and remember to stop for a moment and look at the world around me. To smell the scent of the spring flowers. To appreciate the newly born fields of wheat. To listen to the birds outside my window. To simply love being alive and being here.

There's such joy in the simple things of life. So many people miss the beauty of the world around them because they get too caught up in the mundane. I know that for me, my soul has to be allowed time to breathe, and I have to make sure I keep allowing it that time. That I keep listening to the birds and smelling the hawthorn. It's too easy to let life pass you by.

If I have one wish in this life it's that I never become that jaded that those little moments, those little gems of time fail to bring me the joy they do now. Otherwise, what would be the point?

Posted by rachie at 03:46 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

mai 27, 2004

a few fun facts

These 'memes' pop up every so often in my friends blogs and I usually don't bother answering them. But this had some interesting and obscure questions and I don't quite have the energy to put together a well-thought out post right now, so I thought I'd throw this out there and give you a few insights into some trivial and not so trivial things about me...

x. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
An Affair to Remember with Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant

x. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
I really don't think I'd have any. The thought of unnecessary surgery squicks me.

x. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
Just the same ol' - spiders

x. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
My mother told me last year that I touch my face when I'm feeling threatened or insecure, so I guess that. I also play with my rings.

x. Are you a pyromaniac?
No, at least not usually. I do love laying a good fire though. Heh.

x. Do you have too many love interests?
No, just the right number ;)

x. Do you know anyone famous?
Well, kind of semi-know – my friend's uncle is John Bach and he's in lots of New Zealand shows and was in LOTR and Farscape, so I gues he's famous.

x. Describe your bed:
Pretty. And comfortable. The duvet cover and pillows have appliquéd roses on them.

x. Spontaneous or plan?
Definitely spontaneous. I'm *so* not good at planning, which anyone who knows me will tell you. Even when I *try* and plan it all goes haywire.

x. Do you know how to play poker?
Technically yes, but I have never played it for money

x. What do you carry with you at all times?
Pretty much my purse with my keys and my cell phone.

x. What do you miss most about being little?
Not having to worry about money. Or eating too many sweets.

x. Are you happy with your given name?
Yes, I actually love my name - Rachael. Middle name (Joanne) probably not so much, but I can live with that.

x. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
I don't know that there is that much money… no, probably £500,000 would induce me – then I could fly to visit all my friends!!

x. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Yes and yes. At long, long last, I can say yes and honestly believe it.

x. Do transient, homeless, or starving people bother you?
Well, they bother me insomuch as there are these problems in the world and also as far as I feel selfish for not wanting to help more, but I guess you can't do everything. And as stretched as I am financially, I simply can't.

x. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
Yes. Well, mostly. I definately have my faults and my flaws, but I try and be a good person and I try and behave in a way that I would want others to behave towards me.

x. Do you spend more time with your boyfriend or your friends?
Since most of my friends are overseas, I currently spend most of my time with my girl. Which is just fine with me ;>

x. What's one thing you wish you could do but can't?
Organize myself

x. What is your ideal marriage location?
Marriage? If I ever get wed? I really don't know. Probably somewhere underneath some blossom trees.

x. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Piano.

x. Favorite fabric?
Linen. Although it's a bitch to iron and I hate ironing so I don't wear it that much any more. I also love silk but with my penchant for spilling things on myself I don't wear silk much either.

x. Something you love and hate?
computers / the internet.

x. What kind of bedding do you use?
Anything that's clean? Jeez, who thinks up these questions? I prefer crisp cotton which is straight in after being dried on the line in the sun – nothing smells quite like it!

x. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
Not really. Well, not specifics.

x. What's the one language you want to learn?
French would be cool

x. What do you order at a bar?
Usually a lager or a glass of wine.

x. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Ears and navel

x. Do you have tattoos?
Yes. Just one, on my lower back.

x. Would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery any kind if confronted?
If I'd had it, sure.

x. Do you drive stick?
Well, literally, yeah. Metophorically, not so much ;>

x. What's one trait you hate in a person?
Lack of empathy. Also, judgementalism

x. What kind of watch(es) do you wear?
Silver usually with silver strap. Although I seem to lose/destroy watches on a regular basis of late.

x. Most frivolous purchase?
My playstation, possibly?

x. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
No. I can't deny that I *like* having things, but I can live without having the newest coolest thing. I just like what makes me happy. My purchasing things I don't need I think is more of a function of my lack of willpower/ability to focus and wanting a thrill and immediate gratification than actually being materialistic.

x. What do you cook the best?
I'm actually a pretty damn good cook, even if I do say so myself, so choosing a best is pretty difficult. Probably chicken curry and pancakes.

x. Favorite writing instrument?
Anything I can lay my hands on really. I do like writing with pencil actually.

x. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Stand out – I used to try desperately to blend in but I really don't care these days. And at 5'10" it's hard to blend in. Plus I don't really have that much of a blendy-in personality

x. What kind of books do you like to read?
Lots of different stuff, I really don't think I can categorize what I read because each book I pick up tends to be in a different genre from the one before.

x. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
Pay off my loans, by my Mum a house wherever she wants, buy myself a house here and throw a big party!

x. What's one thing you're a sore loser at?
Just ONE thing? No fair!! I'm a sore loser at lots of things – not having my life go the way I think it should go as a primary example.

x. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
OOoh, that's a hard one. I could say I don't talk to them, but then I neglect to talk to a lot of the people I *love* so that's not exactly a good indicator. I really couldn't tell you, I'm sure I give off a pretty strong vibe though.

x. Do you cry in front of friends?
Not very often. If I've cried in front of you, you know I trust you implicitly.

x. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Write.

x. Are you a giver or a taker?
Hard this. I'd like to think I'm a bit of both. Being too much of one or the other is not healthy. I guess others would be a better judge of this in regards to me.

x. When's the last time you cried?
Gosh, it's been a long time. I think it was probably that horrible night when Jackie et al were arrested. Oh no, wait, I had a little tear over Christmas when I was missing my Mum and my family. But given how many tears I shed *last* year? Wow, amazing to think how different my life is now!

x. Favorite communication method?
Talking in person and seeing the face of the person I'm talking to. After that, email.

x. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
Depends what I'm drinking. Usually about 3-5 glasses of beer or wine.

x. Favorite kind of porn?
And again I ask, who comes up with these questions?? I haven't seen a lot of porn but must confess, I do have a hankering for girl on girl.

x. Do you ever have to beg?
I wish! Ahem. No, not often.

x. Have you ever done any illegal drugs?
Ummmm, does last night count? ;>

x. Do you think you're cute?
Yes.

x. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
Nope.

x. What's the most painful experience you've ever had?
I think that's pretty obvious. Getting my heart broken and hitting some pretty dire down points. I also think it was probably the best thing that ever could have happened to me. Funny how that goes.

Posted by rachie at 04:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 26, 2004

whew!

i just picked up the phone at work to hear my mother's voice on the other end. that was kinda unexpected. but she called to tell me that the package has turned up - the courier left a card to say that it would be at the post office - she'll pick it up tomorrow.

thank goodness for that!

Posted by rachie at 12:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 24, 2004

yes, I'm livid, why do you ask...?

So I just wasted half an hour trying to trace the parcel I sent to New Zealand about three weeks ago.

I tried the parcelforce website and they told me to call parcelforce. So I called Parcelforce and did the automated track and trace option. They told me it was a Royal Mail package and to call a Royal Mail number. The Royal Mail automated option told me it was a Parcelforce package and to call Parcelforce. Great.

So I talk to the woman at Royal Mail and explain. Nope, definately parcelforce. So I call Parcelforce again and get through to a CSO. He tells me my reference number is a Post Office reference number and I should have a "CP" number. Nope, all I have is this PA number. I realize I was never given a copy of my customs declaration which usually you get when mailing a package. So we discuss this and he tells me I need to go back to the Post Office and they should have a record of the CP number.

So I go to the Post Office. Oh no, she says, all we have is this bar code sticker which has the PA number on it. There's nothing with a CP number on it at all. She shows me the customs declaration which she says has changed and doesn't appear to have any bar code at all on it. She tells me to ring and argue with Parcelforce. She gives me a claim form and I trudge back to work and call Parcelforce. Again.

No, he says, you should have a CP number. How did you send it? Standard International, I say. Oh no, we don't track those he says. Well, why didn't someone FRICKEN TELL ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE???

So now I just have to wait for it to turn up or not turn up at mothers, because while it's supposed to take 7-10 days, it can take 30 days.

Riiiiight. So I paid £35 to send this parcel and it might not get there for 30 days. OR AT FUCKING ALL.

And they wonder why Royal Mail has such a fucking LOUSY reputation of late?

Posted by rachie at 03:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 21, 2004

little pinkie

I noted today that I seem to be attracted more and more to pink these days.

I think it kind of started with this blog design and has extended far beyond the computer screen...

Strictly speaking, pink has never been one of my favourite colours. I like it in the same way I like green. I like it more than brown but less than blue. Much less than blue. Blue is totally far and away my most favourite colour.

But this morning when I was getting dressed I realized that of the three tops I was deciding between? *All* of them were pink.

And the pink in my flat - pink roses on my bedding, on my sofa throws. And I'm intending on getting a pink picture for above the fireplace. Yesterday I was looking at pink candles.

Oddly enough, Jackie just painted a wall in her living room, bright pink.

Is this just a fashion thing? There admittedly *is* lots of pink in the shops at the moment. Or is it just where I am at the moment? Feeling soft and feminine in a way I haven't for a long time.

There's a certain irony in that.

Posted by rachie at 01:40 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 20, 2004

thick and thin

Sometimes people suck.

I know it's not a huge revelation, but they really do. It always amazes me the way that people can treat people they claimed to care about once.

I mean, I probably can't even talk myself because I'm sure I wasn't very nice to my ex in the aftermath of our breakup but she was the source of my pain. And even seeing her name in my inbox was like picking the scab off a wound. I struck back at that source of pain and I'm not proud of it. It happened and I apologized. It was accepted and that's the end of the story.

But to deliberately treat someone you have called a friend like shit because they haven't behaved the way you want them to behave seems unfeeling at best, cruel at worst.

We're not all perfect. None of us are perfect at all. We hurt people unintentionally through our selfishness, our thoughtlessness. To expect others to not do the same to us is simply unrealistic.

Friendships are fluid and changing and the participants need to allow the relationship to be flexible. They need to allow for changes and for mistakes. Friends, people are complex with good points and bad points. We generally become friends when the good points outweigh the bad from our perspective. Sometimes things change, we change and our point of view slides one way or another. And sometimes you open your eyes. Sometimes someone's behaviour forces you to open your eyes.

The simple fact is that you never have the right to demand that someone behaves in a way that is acceptable to you and expect that they will change their behaviour to suit you. You have a right to tell them that you find their behaviour unacceptable and you have a right to walk away if they choose not to take your comments and feelings onboard. It's a not so subtle difference.

However, if they choose to disagree with you, it does NOT give you the right to call them names and belittle them. It also does not mean either of you are wrong. Just that you have different perspectives.

Sometimes I see people with such narrow outlooks on life and with such an inability to empathize with others that it astonishes me. I had one such friend. Our friendship went by the wayside when she could not accept that I had flaws and was not the person she wanted me to be. Sadly, she turned out not to be the person I thought she was. I did not demand she change, however she could not accept the friendship dynamic as it was and the situation exploded. I had no inclination to change - I cannot change who I am or how I deal with situations. She could not learn to live with the reality of who I am and that it did not match the glorified vision she had built of me in her head years before when I had been codependent and malleable. The friendship ended.

I just saw the same thing happen to someone I vaguely know online and it's kind of bizarre to see it happen from a distance. And I feel sad for this person and I feel sad for my once friend who will never know what it's like to be able to accept and love someone unconditionally, flaws and all.

Posted by rachie at 04:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

mai 19, 2004

home sweet home

so, these aren't terribly *good* pictures, but they should give you a reasonable idea of what the flat looks like at least. Bear in mind I have yet to put pictures on walls (some of my own photography will go up in the living room, plus I want a large or two medium sized pictures for the fireplace surround. something like this and this together might be nice.

so, the first two are the bedroom (I *so* wish I had before pictures because that beautiful window was hideous six weeks ago). I plan to paint the chest cream and paint flowers on it. the third is the little kitchen.

   

the living room and the view out of the huge front window.

   

the view out of the living room window in the front of the flat...

   

could I be happier? I seriously doubt that! ;)

Posted by rachie at 10:26 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

mai 18, 2004

home, at last

I wish when I had first moved my stuff into my flat, I had taken 'before' pictures. Because the difference, is quite frankly, astonishing. The change that Steve, Jane, Jackie and I have wrought in that little place is probably more than you would beleive.

WHen I first moved in, they were in the process of pulling the kitchen out so the kitchen had been *completely* gutted. The living room had old curtains made from some kind of what looked like sacking cloth and had brown/grey carpet that was damp and stained. Paint was peeling off the walls and the skirting board needed replacing in places. The windows were dirty and the sills grey. The radiators were old and needed replacing.

The bedroom was even more dire. The carpet stunk of cat pee and the walls were somewhere between brown and grey. There was an old water boiler in the corner which was an absolute eyesore. The window was beyond the pale. The previous tenant had pinned an old scarf to the top of the window and the curtains were hung from halfway down the window. The curtains themselves were thick with cat hair. Beneath the grimy scarf, the window was black with grime and beneath that, the paint was peeling off in chunks. Surrounding the window, the panelling was once cream but now a dusky grey colour. The door was a bilous green with a pepto pink showing through. All in all, it was pretty awful. While I could see the potential in the living room, I was really struggling with the bedroom. I mean really.

It's taken us six weeks and I cannot even express how much I adore this flat now. And what's more, the bedroom is my favourite room in the house. As much as I loved my flat in New Zealand, I love this one even more. This is the flat I always wanted. It's chic, it's feminine and best of all, it's mine. I've never had the opportunity to really decorate a place of my own before and I simply love that this is my own because I have put my own touches on it and furnished it with my own choices of furniture and curtaining and such.

I spent the first night in my own bed in my own bedroom last night and I slept like a baby. And I woke refreshed and happy. My life is coming together in a way I couldn't have conceived of.

I'm going to try and take pictures tonight, but it's eminently possible that thanks to the beautiful weather of late, Jackie and I may go for another walk. But I will put up photos soon, because I am so proud of my little home. It's so pretty I could just squeal!

Posted by rachie at 03:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 13, 2004

better

I have called the bank and they've given me a temporary overdraft for a month. Which is good, it will keep my spending in check because I know that I go back to my old limit in a month. I also discovered a rogue payment had gone out to my old landlord - I'd had to pay a week's extra rent in April and I had then failed to properly stop the automatic payment, so an extra £62.50 had gone out this month. So now I need to contact them and ask them very nicely to give it back to me. Hopefully they will. Nice old people are usually pretty good like that.

That explains partly why I am screwed money-wise and if I can get it that should sort paying for gas until the end of the month. Hopefully I'll get some reasonable ebay income in the next couple of weeks to help with bringing me back onto an even keel and next month I need to be careful and responsible with my money.

On the bright side, the rest of the clothes I ordered (before and partially responsible for the money crisis) from Victoria's Secret arrived this week I got some chinos which fit *perfectly*. Which is *very* yay, considering they were all mail-order-making. A cute linen sundress, a couple of tops, and pretty underwear. It was totally worth the financial stress.

Oh and the flat is coming along nicely. Still have a few more bits and pieces to sort. (Like the curtain rail which was too short.) But I'll be able to properly move in this weekend, I think. Photos forthcoming....

Posted by rachie at 02:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 11, 2004

laughter and passion and hurting in love

So, let’s see. Two years ago right about now, the ex-love was collecting me off a plane.

You know, it seems almost like it never even happened. And yet, so much has changed. *I've* changed. So much.

I was thinking last night about the differences between that relationship and this one. I've been with Jackie for almost ten months now. I was with the ex for just under a year. However, we were apart for basically the first six months of it and after I got there, well, it went downhill pretty quick.

I was trying to think when it was actually *good*. The first couple of weeks, obviously. But you know, I don't actually remember that many good times. We didn't laugh much. We seemed to settle into a rut so quickly that it was frankly, frightening.

The truth is, when I think of her now, I think about the pain. And not only the pain of breaking up. The first six months were full of pain too. Going through a terrible time in my life, the only thing I had to hang on to, was knowing I had her. That we were going to be together. And then it would all be better. Those six months were accompanied by a constant ache. Knowing I was finally *in love* and someone loved me, and yet it was so fraught with difficulty. And the not being together.

And then, we were together and instead of things getting better, they got worse. Partly my fault, partly hers. Two people from different worlds who made great friends, but simply lousy partners. There seemed to be a constant tension between us. A battle of wills, a need for control. What I recognize now is that we were already on our journey away from each other.

When she had returned home, she was already in the process of growing and so was I. What we didn't realize until I got to America and I'm not entirely sure I realized it until much later was that that growth had taken us in opposite directions. The people we were growing into were simply not compatible. Maybe not even as friends any longer. Maybe even without the relationship and its dissolution, we would have drifted apart to a large degree. While it's impossible to know for sure, my heart believes we would have.

Strange to realize, all this time later, how doomed that relationship was. And that partially because of it in my head I have been equating love with hurt.

It was unconscious of course, but I think for a long time, I kept waiting for the pain to kick in with Jackie. I kept waiting for it to hurt to really know I was in love.

Which isn't right. Love, for the most part, shouldn't *hurt*. It should feel good.

If I had to spend six months away from Jackie? Damn right it would hurt. It would be hell. I don’t think I could do it. Not do it voluntarily. Or stay sane doing it. After all, it was bad enough with the ex. To do it with someone I've grown into a relationship with, with someone who I lie next to almost every night, someone I have grown to love in the right way. That would be excruciating.

The truth is, I took a long time to grow up. The ex was the equivalent, maybe, of a childhood sweetheart. My first real love. And I chose someone who was not so good for me, as it turns out. I chose someone who helped me learn some valuable lessons. And I loved her, but not in a way that was healthy, or adult. In a way, the way I loved her wasn't particularly *real*. I loved what I *thought* we had. What I *wanted* us to build. In the end, I was so unhappy, so miserable with the reality, it took me a long time to recognize it for what it was. And even longer to tease out the strands of those feelings and how they inter-related and what they meant.

And now I realize that what I have with Jackie is not that kind of fairy-tale, passionate kind of love because it needs *not* to be. Because that kind of passionate, consuming "love" eventually tends to burn itself out and blackens everything around it. One can't survive solely on love and love does *not* conquer all. There's a little something called reality to consider.

That's not to say there's no passion between Jackie and I. Quite the opposite, there's an intimacy and a passion that I've never experienced before. And we laugh. All. The. Time. I don't think there's a day that goes by when she doesn't make me laugh, one way or another.

And at night, when we snuggle up in bed, my skin warm against hers, I feel loved. And I feel safe. In a way I have never have before. She doesn't promise me anything. She doesn't have to. Whatever happens, I know I will be okay. Because I can survive anything. Which means that I don't need her to be by my side, I *choose* for her to be there. And that's something special.

And I'm still wary, but I'm starting to realize that this is something that could last. Something I want to last. I'm not counting on it, but I'm feeling safer and more comfortable all the time. And sometimes that scares me, but mostly it makes me really happy.

It's just so profoundly different from my time with T. There, by the time I'd been there four months, things were rapidly falling to pieces. *I* was falling to pieces. And here, I've been with Jackie for almost ten months and things just keep getting better. Some days we have our issues but we work them out.

I mean, this is so good, I didn’t even know being part of a couple could be this good. And this much fun! I mean, seriously, this woman is so much *fun* to be around. Hence the laughter, of course.

So to go back to the beginning. Or, last night, really. What made me consider all this? When I took off one of my ring and had a fleeting moment of wondering what it would be like to ask her to marry me. Not that we can *marry* per se, but to even think that? Well, when I've been trying so hard to avoid looking to the future? Pretty amazing.

This doesn't hurt. It feels right. Different, but right.

Posted by rachie at 04:44 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 10, 2004

two years (it's cloud's illusions I recall)

About half an hour ago, I realized something about today. may 10. you would have thought I would remember such an occasion a little earlier.

today it's two years since I left New Zealand.

I thought I was going to my future.

and then it turned out that my future was several thousand miles from where I thought it was.

funny how life turns out that way. how learning that you can never really count on *anything* (well, except death), can really free you.

I suppose after her, I learnt to put my trust in myself and reserve my trust with others to a certain extent. I think that's mostly a positive thing. I don't expect too much now. I don't rely on anyone else to get me through.

But in some ways I regret that loss of a certain kind of innocence. that blind faith in love.

maybe that's just part of growing up. maybe that happens to us all at one point or another. maybe I'm lucky it happened to me now and not when I was fifty.

I don't know. some days it still makes me sad. not so much that I lost her. that isn't something that bothers me any more. that part of my life is done and dusted. but just that I have those scars I suppose. that I'm not all bright eyed and innocent about love any more. that I'm guarded. that I can't trust in forever like I did before.

I used to believe in fairytales. within reason.

the last three years shattered that illusion quite neatly. and that makes me sad. but I guess illusions can only be shattered once. can't they?

people ask me if I miss home. mostly I don't, but that's an entirely different post.

home for me is a different time, a different me. and while I have some small regrets, I very much like the me I am now. I like my life. I'm happy being me. I'm happy with my girl.

I've never been happy before. I had my illusions, but they never made me happy. and I'm happy now. pensive and maybe a bit wary, but I'm happy. and that's *something*.

maybe that's it. growing up is learning to let go of the what if's. to stop living in the future, waiting for the fairytale. maybe it's to stop expecting, stop *wanting* something more. maybe it's just learning to accept. not settle, but just accept what is instead of what might be.

or maybe it's just another step along the way...

(I might not miss New Zealand that much, but I do miss my friends and family)

Posted by rachie at 10:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

money sucks

*fuck*

I have overspent lately and I just took my car in for it's MOT. it's going to cost £180. FUCK. That's all the money I had left for the rest of the month. I had been stressing this morning and had just talked myself into the knowledge that I would be okay till payday in just over two and a half-weeks. But now that's been blown all to smithereens. Between that and paying tax on my car - I will have *nothing* left for petrol, food and bills between now and the end of May.

Why can't I fucking manage my money properly? I *hate* feeling like this. like I'm completely incompetent when it comes to budgeting and managing money.

I seriously want to cry.

Posted by rachie at 12:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 06, 2004

arachnophobia

I had the fucking *weirdest* dream last night. At least we're assuming it was a dream. I think it was somewhere between a dream and a hallucination, brought on by red wine and stilton.

::note to self - never to eat blue cheese before going to bed again::

sometime in the middle of the night, I looked up and saw a spider about half the size of my hand skittering across Jackie's lampshade. I sat bolt upright, practically hyperventilating and literally, from memory, dragged Jackie into a sitting position away from the lampshade. When she asked me what the hell was going on, my brain wouldn't even work enough to form the words. I simply flipped a shuddering hand in the direction of the light and open and closed my mouth in abject terror. I think I somewhat resembled a startled goldfish actually.

Finally I managed to somehow spit the word spider out, all the time indicating that this was a motherfucking massive spider with about two dozen hairy legs and was probably as poisonous as a rattlesnake. Never mind that there are no poisonous spiders in England. There's very likely not even any spiders of the size my mind was trying to tell my I'd seen.

Jackie went and turned on the main light by which point I'd regained some semblance of control. Both of us are spiderphobic, but by the time we'd been brave enough to check out the far side of the lampshade, we were both pretty sure I'd dreamed the spider. Or hallucinated it. Or something.

You just don't get spiders like that here.

At least I hope like hell you don't, or there's one currently rampaging around our bedroom.

Posted by rachie at 03:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

(dis)organisation

My life is currently crazy.

Several weeks ago, I finally weaned myself off the last of my anti-depressants. Go me! I've been on them for a year now, and while they propped me up and helped me to get through arguably the worst time of my life (although the previous year had sucked ass, the breaking up with the ex really finished it, and me, off), I had been forgetting more and more often to take them and all of a sudden I found I wasn't getting any ill-effects from forgetting to take them. Good sign.

So, I'm off them. Which is great. I didn't want to be on them for any extended period of time. But there is one problem. One of the good side-effects of the seroxat (paxil) is that it helped with my ADD. The meds lessened it and made it much easier to manage. Now I'm just back to me and the ADD is out in full-force. I'm finding it harder to prioritize, to keep my focus and to remember the tasks I have to do. And I have to remember how to manage it - cut down on the sugar, make lists and set deadlines and basically keep on top ot it.

It's hard and a little scary. I often feel completely overwhelmed and I'm not even sure where to start. However, this week, I have started to knock off tasks I need to do one by one. Maybe not as timely as I would have liked, but at least they're getting done.

That's something.

Posted by rachie at 03:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 05, 2004

...breathe....

have. been. so. busy.

long weekend seem to leave me more exhausted than ever. went out on friday night with folks from work and then saturday was a blur of sex, sunshine and wine. sunday it was sunny, we went out to castle howard and saw pretty places and flowers and enjoyed the sunshine. monday, we did diy, painted doors, windowsills, skirting, etc. in the evening, we met up with friends and had a couple too many.

back to work yesterday, and it's busy. really busy. and then yesterday off to ikea and spending lots of moolah. the flat is still not really ready, the carpet is yet to go down and we have to finish the bedroom. but I have pretty much everything I need now.

today - still busy. I got out at lunchtime and bought myself an electric screwdriver (dude, am I a dyke or what?) as well as booking my car in for an MOT. tonight I sat down and wrote up my application for the job and now I have to finish my letter to my grandparents.

I just need the world to slow down for a while...

Posted by rachie at 10:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack