mars 31, 2004

roll with the changes

You know I'm supposed to be moving, right? Moving into an apartment in J's building?

Yeah. Drama.

It always happens.

The transgendered… uh lady, B, from the front flat wants desperately to move into the flat that I have signed a contract for. Jane, the landlady found this out after she had offered the flat to me and gave me the option of moving into B's flat. The downside to that was twofold. First, it hasn't been renovated like the other flats since B was in situ when they bought the building. Secondly, it was £35 a month more. Which probably isn't that much, except that's food for a week, y'know?

On the upside, it has a large living room and a separate bedroom. And the living room looks like it gets muchos sun for most of the day. It has a huge picture window and looks pretty from the outside. Plus, there's no bars on the front window and there are bars on all the windows in the smaller flat. Still, I don't exactly want to live in a dive and also the smaller flat has a door to the back garden which I was looking forward to using in the summer. So I told Jane I'd rather just stick with the smaller flat.

Which was fine.

Until B started making threats. Not serious threats, more amusing than anything. J arrived home yesterday to find two letters on the doorstep. The basic gist was that if J didn't persuade me to pull out of the contract by the end of yesterday, B said "baby will have to go". The inferral is that B would go to the landlady and tell her about J's cat.

J isn't supposed to have pets you see. But Jane knows about baby and while she's not jumping up and down about her, she's willing to let J keep her. She knows J is a good tenant and doesn't want to lose her. I think she'd be more than happy to lose B though!

So anyway, Jane came over to J's yesterday afternoon and they had a good giggle over the letters. And J negotiated her downwards on the price of the front flat. If I was to agree, Jane would drop the price by £20 a month and they would clean it up and have it painted before I moved in. Then after I moved in, they would revamp the kitchen and put in a new bathroom over the next couple of months. J had a look around the flat and told me she thought it would be really nice once it was painted and cleaned up.

So, a substantially bigger flat, with a separate bedroom for only £15 more a month? There would be some inconvenience but it would be inconvenience I could live with since I can use J's kitchen and bathroom upstairs if needs be. Plus, if friends come and stay, I have a living room they can kip in.

Plus it would keep B relatively happy. That kind of situation has the potential to get nasty for both J and I and I don't know that I want to risk that.

So I've said yes. I figure everyone is happy – I have a bigger place to store all my crap, B has her place with the back door for her cats and Jane can get the front flat cleaned up. Plus J and I will have a choice of places to entertain and sleep.

There are bars on the bedroom window, but we can paint them cream, and I'm sure that I can come up with some imaginative ways to make use of them…. ;>

So, in the end, the drama was both amusing and productive. I think in the long run, once the front flat is cleaned up, I'll be more happy living there with the extra room. I'm not gonna complain, anyway…

Posted by rachie at 11:58 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

dramaticus sillius

have you ever revisited some old stomping grounds and realized in retrospect how fucked up you were way back when?

lately I've been catching up with some old internet friends. we met through watching days of our lives. since our favourite characters are frontburner again, it's been interesting to peruse the posting boards and see the various reactions. it's also been illuminating personally to reflect on my own thought processes back when I posted on a regular basis.

because before I sorted my shit out, I used to take the show very seriously. I used to get terribly upset. over a dumb tv show. a really dumb tv show. becuase my characters behaved out of character. or someone said something on a board I didn't like. I spent so many hours focused on the show, I didn't have time to focus on my own life and my own problems.

and I guess that was the point. while I was creating drama over a tv show, I didn't need to think about what was going on in my own life. about what was going wrong, about how unhappy I really was, deep down. I used television and the internet as a tool of escapism and yet, even that didn't even really make me happy. my negativity was so overwhelming I couldn't even enjoy my escape.

maybe I didn't want to.

maybe when people are unhappy, it's easier to focus the unhappiness into an external 'cause' than it is to look inside and be honest about what you find. maybe any sort of escape or addiction in the end only makes you that much unhappier because not only do you have the root problems still to deal with, but you have the negativity of your feelings around the addiction laid over the top.

sounds naff doesn't it? to say I was addicted to a soap opera. but I was. addicted to the drama that surrounded the fandom, addicted to the story that i could escape into. even if I didn't like the story, it was still more interesting and less painful than my own.

I laughed when I read someone write on a board yesterday that posting about how much they hated the show was a kind of therapy. anyone that says that is probably in need of therapy. I know I was. it's simply an indulgence of negativity. and I sometimes think the internet is a dangerous tool for allowing people to indulge their problems to such a unconstructive degree.

I know in my case it probably didn't help a lot. maybe it just prolonged the period before my breakdown. I know at the time the support of my internet friends meant everything to me. but in hindsight, most of those relationships were particularly unhealthy. I was needy and so were the people I befriended. we developed co-dependent and ultimately destructive relationships. but maybe I needed that in order to really hit rock bottom and put my life back together. the culmination of that was the ruin of my ex-relationship. it's funny the way things end up fitting together into a big picture that makes so much sense.

I do find it sad though, that two years down the track, the same people are on the same boards bitching about the same things. but then I guess, it's not my place to judge them, or tell them what to do. we all come to our lessons in our own way at our own pace.

I'm still learning mine. sometimes it's too easy to fall back into old patterns. in old haunts. i'd like to think I'm better than that now, but the truth is, the drama queen in me still enjoys a taste of the drama.

just a taste though, because I need to keep on moving

Posted by rachie at 12:32 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

mars 30, 2004

second chance mads

woot! we're going to see melissa etheridge in london in july!! and now madonna is doing a concert at wembley. tickets go on sale on friday. so at eight am, guess who will be on the laptop hoping like hell I can get in first?

if we fail to get wembley tickets, we're thinking about getting a package tour to see the material girl in paris in august. paris and madonna at the same time? at the height of summer? sounds too good to be true. but since we can't really afford a trip to paris for a weekend if we're going to greece this summer, we're going to try for wembley first of all.

jackie made a comment tonight about us being real 'groupies' this year. I explained to her that in new zealand we're lucky to get one "big" artist visiting a year. and usually it's one show in auckland, and I can't go because of one reason or another. invariably when I was younger, concerts would always fall on the night before an exam!

anyway, so for me, having the opportunity to see all these people that I absolutely adore in concert in a single year is almost too much to take in. I'm very much like a kid at christmas. if I get to see george michael too, I could just die a happy woman.

plus, this could conceivably be madge's last tour and I simply don't want to miss an experience like that if I can possibly help it. and i know it will make Jackie one happy little camper. ;)

Posted by rachie at 12:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 26, 2004

concertedly annoyed

i can't believe the tickets for Madonna's earls court concert in august sold out in two hours this morning. two freaking hours people! when the cheapest tickets were £50!

gah! i'm really hoping that the wembley dates are confirmed because i don't know that we can afford slane castle. although that would be fabulous, admittedly. maybe a package tour to london or paris might be in order...

I did however discover that melissa etheridge is doing a date in london in july. for only £10 according to ticketmaster. gee, guess I might have to be going along to that one!

plus george michael might well be touring this year for the first time in forever. and we go to see duran duran a month tomorrow...

and people wonder why I want to live in england? like *any* of these people would ever come to new zealand!?


Posted by rachie at 02:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 24, 2004

bye bye ebay...

I'm seriously sick of never having any time to write. I'm always writing up magazines for Ebay or taking care of chores and tasks. Last night I spent the evening scanning 170 photos to put up on my website. Thankfully that's actually ALL the photos I have left so scan, so at least I'm getting somewhere with those after procrastinating for six months.

But really, I am so heartily sick of Ebay. You see, I've been selling soap and sci-fi mags on Ebay for the past three years. And it's made me the extra money I've needed to survive. But I've had enough. If I didn't spend two or three nights a week on Ebay, I'd have a lot more time on my hands. Time to answer emails, to play on the sadly neglected PS2. Time to write.

I'm both desperate to write and too scared to write. Once I start with the writing of fanfic I find it hard to stop, and I want to have time to write both fic and original stuff. I want to really have time to work at the writing.

And I will. I'm slowly working through my piles of magazines. I figure I still have a few more mont's worth to put up, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's nice having the extra money but I think it will be nice to have the extra time. It'll also be nice not to have to go to the post-office constantly.

And those magazines have caused me more than a few headaches. The ex hated them. Still, in America, it was the only way I could make any money. The girl isn't too taken with them either.

I have a love-hate relationship with them. Now the five or six boxes have converged into two, it's both exciting and scary to know that one day soon I'll be at the end of the selling. Of course, when somebody suddenly pays $50 out of the blue for a Stargate SG-1 TV Zone special, you have to wonder if I'm making the right choice! Still, it's not like that kind of buzz happens very often.

It'll be seriously nice not to have to think about it any more. And it'll be even nicer to have time to write...

Posted by rachie at 03:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 23, 2004

we're queer out here

I was thinking back the other day to when I first came out. I remember discussing the whole 'gay' thing with a friend.

I remember her saying something along the lines of she had no problem with 'gays' but she didn't like it when they were 'flaunting' it and got all obvious and political.

I remember agreeing with her at the time. I was still uncomfortable around my sexuality. To all intents and purposes, I had considered myself straight and suddenly I'd done a backflip. I was on the other side of the fence and I had no idea how to deal with it. I did know that the last thing I wanted to do was be 'obvious'. The idea of being labelled a 'dyke' freaked me out in all honesty.

Part of the problem is that I didn't *know* anyone who was gay. Well, I didn't know I knew anyone who was gay. But that's another story. A short one, but one nonetheless.

Anyway, the point is, the idea of 'flaunting' my sexuality freaked me out. And the idea of anyone else doing it made me uncomfortable too. After all, being gay is not *who* you are, right. It's just a label, it's something you are and it's just part of you...

right. but not quite.

I came into the honesty of my sexuality later than a lot of people. I was twenty-nine before I made love to a woman for the first time. I think, deep down I always knew, but I desperately tried to ignore it. And when I did kiss that woman and touch her, I also think I knew that was it. I remember going to therapy and discussing with my counsellor whether I should take a chance and go for this relationship.

I made the remark that it would mean I'd have to give up penises and I wasn't sure I wanted that. She told me it didn't mean that at all. At the time, I thought it was because if I got together with this girl, that was it. She'd be the one, somehow in my naivety I thought we'd just be together forever. Never mind no more penises - no more anyone else.

But I think, looking back, there was something deeper going on. What I was determining was my honesty. Could I take the chance to be the *real* me? Or would I continue trying to live a lie. If I committed to a relationship with the girl, it would mean acknowledging me. The me that, under all the pretence, loved women and always had. It was frightening. It was a huge step and a huge risk.

As it turns out, the risk failed in one way. We weren't together forever. She wasn't the one. I got my heart really broken for the first time. I lost her but in the process, I gained an enormous knowledge of myself. And I learned to stop leaning on other people and start loving myself.

And damn, I learned to be honest. And I learned that for me, honesty means 'flaunting' my sexuality. It means being obviously gay and being proud of it. And I am proud. I am so proud of my courage to finally be me and I am proud to stand up and say I don't care what you think of me, I don't care if I make you uncomfortable. I don't care if you don't like seeing my differences. Because my differences are what make me, me.

Before I left for America, I made a boundary with the ex-girlfriend. It was important to me, I said, not to hide our love away behind closed doors. I wanted to be able to hold her hand in public, to kiss her if I felt the time and place was right.

She heard me, but she never really listened. It's not that she didn't respect my needs, I think, simply that our needs were so incompatible. Honesty was in very short supply at that time. It took it's toll.

I couldn't live like that. I suffocated. I lost my honesty and I lost myself and I finally had to leave.

Last year I went on a journey to find myself again. And the truth is, my sexuality isn't who I am, but my God, it's an enormous part of who I am. How could it not be? It shapes the world I see around me. It informs many of my choices. It is what brings me to my girl and what binds me to her, sexually and emotionally.

You see, sexuality isn't just about sex. I think that's where most straight people get it wrong. Sexuality is as much, or even more about how the soul relates. It's about how you emotionally bond with another person. Sex is just part of that. A fantastic part, admittedly. But I relate to women in a way I could never relate to a man. I crave the closeness, the warmth, the emotional fulfillment I get when I am close to a woman. I love every moment of it - the conversation, the feel of her body, the smell of her, the way her eyes light up and the way she laughs. Being with a woman in a partnership has fulfilled me in a way I don't think being with a man ever could.

And I refuse to hide that away from the world. It doesn't define me, but it locates me in a space where there are other people like me. We have the same feelings and we fight the same battles. Hell, read the lyrics in George Michael and Melissa Etheridge's new albums and you'll know we're all telling essentially the same stories.

All those couples in San Fransisco and Portland and all the people in the nightclubs in Leeds and Manchester, they're all like me. Because the bottom line is, because of who we are, because our hearts love who they will and not who they are 'supposed' to, we're different. We're marginalized. At best we're accepted and sometimes embraced. At worst, we're vilified.

And as long as gay people hide their queerness, and don't make people like the exes mother uncomfortable, the status quo remains.

And that's it. I know that at the beginning of my blossoming lesbianness, I didn't like the idea of 'flaunting it'. I especially didn't like the idea of being politically active in a queer sense. Because it made me uncomfortable. I had to confront some prejudices. I had to stop being judgemental in other areas of my life. I had to understand what it meant to be different. I had to understand that in being part of a minority meant that finding a community of like-minded people was absolutely vital to my sanity.

Because to be different and alone can almost destroy you.


I say to my girl on a regular basis that I'm so happy I'm gay. Something that scared me so much has brought me so much joy. And I'm more than happy to shout that from the rooftops. I certainly don't hide it when we're in the local pub. I hold her hand, rub her leg, kiss her and barely anybody bats an eyelid. (Apart from the local yobs and their incessant longing to get in between us!). We hold hands while shopping and we kiss in the street. I know I'm lucky to live in a place where we can do that, and we're lucky to have friends who are so open. But even if we weren't, I still couldn't hide it. Like I said, being affectionate is as natural to me as breathing. I have to consciously think *not* to kiss her when I have the urge and sometimes that is the hardest thing in the world. Not to just brush my hand across her knee.

I couldn't live like that all the time. I wouldn't. I'm out and I'm so damn proud.

And one of these days I'll probably get politically active too. Wonder how that would go down with the folks across the ditch...

Posted by rachie at 11:59 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

mars 22, 2004

indulgence

I just had the most beautiful long, hot, relaxing soak. (yes sweetheart, it was *hot*, you'd be proud of me!). that's something I've learned to do over the past few years. since I started therapy actually. treat myself. look after me and have some me time. I'm still not that great at it - I get caught up doing whatever I'm doing and don't take the time to stop and just contemplate.

tonight I had a bath and read my lesbian sex book. me time doesn't get much better than that! ;>

and I started getting excited about moving into my new flat. I was imagining myself in the bath, getting off while I called her on the portable and talked her through it. we've never had phone sex. I imagine it would add to the sexual frisson quite remarkably to know there's only twenty feet seperating us.

see, the equation goes something like this.... sex manual + overactive imagination=probable experimentation coming up.

you may be able to tell today has been a good day ;)

Posted by rachie at 10:47 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 19, 2004

after a while

I don't have much to write home about at the moment, I'm not sure if it's that I've been busy or just that there's a gracious lull in the eventfulness of my life at the moment.

anyway, I thought I'd just post this poem I came across a few weeks ago. Because it struck such a chord and really reflects my passage through life as of the past year or two. And it really touches me.


After a While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong.
And you really do have worth... and you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.


Posted by rachie at 03:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 16, 2004

photos

New pics!

Well, okay, they're not exactly new to me. but new up on my site anyway. from last summer.

Posted by rachie at 08:17 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

they say it's the first sign...

memo to self:

hi, would you actually do some yoga tonight, instead of just thinking about it? and hey, maybe while you are at it, you could try getting to sleep at a reasonable hour so that you are functional tomorrow?

that would be really kernifty, thanks.

love, me.

Posted by rachie at 04:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 15, 2004

shaggadelic

We went out on the weekend. friday night we headed around to a friends and had a few drinks and a bit of a laugh. then on saturday night we headed out on the town for a friend's birthday. it seems like there's a birthday every few weeks at the moment and it's fun. saturday night was particularly fun. I was really in a mood to go out and have a dance and a flirt and the evening fulfilled all my expectations. well, except for the fact that I was really in the mood to head for the gay quarter and we were with all our straight friends. but despite that, it was a fab night.

for a start, I looked really good. You know those nights where everything goes right? hair, clothes, make-up - all spot on. it was grand. since I looked good, I felt great and that was nice too.

then we ended up at a club where the music was entirely to my taste and nobody really blinked an eyelid when Jackie and I started getting sexy on the dance floor. and off the dance floor even. well, except for the guy that was desperately trying to chat me up. even when I made it clear I was *with* jackie and had no intention of cheating on her, he still tried it on. until I told him it wasn't going to work since I was crazy in love with the girl. he looked a little regretful and gave up gracefully. he even went over and told jackie she's a lucky girl. that was nice, and it was a really good ego boost, which was greatly appreciated since I've really been needing one of late.

aside from that, we had great fun with our friends. the highlight of the evening was probably when chrissie leapt on me, her legs wrapped around me and we pretended to shag in the middle of the crosswalk above the dance floor. I love these people, they're crude and they have the most hilarious sense of humour. there's no pretentiousness, no falseness, you just get what you see and I really appreciate that. I'm so tired of 'friends' who play games. People are who they are and it's nice to meet people who are genuine and who accept me for who I am. and don't care that I'm gay or lazy or not perfect. they just enjoy my company and don't seem to expect anything more of me than that. it's enjoyable.

so anyway, we finally headed home just before the clubs closed at two. I was still in the mood to boogie some more, but apparently everything closes at two. which I guess is better than the midnight that they close in york. it's crazy!

and on sunday? I slept till 2pm. which is really not like me, but apparently the late nights just caught up with me and i collapsed. which isn't such a bad thing. I feel like I caught up on some sleep anyway.

it was good, I just really wish we didn't have everything else hanging over our heads. specifically the court case in may. the solicitor thinks they have a very strong case and it shouldn't be a problem. I don't think it will be either, but the whole issue has really taken it's toll on everyone involved. jackie is suffering and so we are suffering. I want to be there for her and I want to help her make it through this and I will, it's just hard being so powerless sometimes.

I just wish it was all over and we could move on.

Posted by rachie at 02:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 12, 2004

interlude

So, what did I do last night? I was going to do some writing but instead ended up scanning photos for most of the evening. photos from our trip down to hampton court palace and richmond park. some of them are lovely.

i really want to get into the photography more. I definately have a little bit of talent, I can see that every time I open up my albums, but I want to work out how to develop it a bit. maybe once I give up ebaying I'll have a little more time. the downside is I'll have a little less money. still, after learning today that we're spending all summer jammed into a portacabin because they're revamping our building? yes, that's all the incentive I need to look for a job down in leeds come end july. or even earlier.

so, time, maybe more money because I'll be able to get a better paying job now I have some work experience under my belt here. now I just have to get organised enough to fit in those bits and peices I want to work on. like my writing. and the photography. at least with summer coming up, we'll have the long evening hours to while away enjoying ourselves.

oh and I hope to have the photos up by the end of the weekend. ish.

Posted by rachie at 12:57 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 11, 2004

on the move

So, it looks like I'm moving again! Good lord, it never ends. A small apartment has opened up in Jackie's building. It's affordable and I won't have to share with anyone. She's just upstairs which will be wonderfully handy. And yet we won't be in each other's pockets if we don't want to be. which is also a good thing.

we thought about moving in together but the truth is, however financially tempting it is, we're simply not ready for that yet. we have a wonderful thing going and rushing into living together could complicate things too much. neither of us wants to risk that.

and I think we kind of made the decision together, or at least we both came to it at the same time. and I think it's the right one. It feels good - I'll be close enough but we'll still have our own space. I'm so impulsive and usually so ready to jump into things because they're easy that I feel really glad that I've reached this place.

part of me did want to move in with her, but probably for the wrong reasons. I do miss her when I'm not with her, but at the moment when we are together it's magic. being in the same space all the time might destroy that magic. I want it to last as long as possible.

also, her apartment is just too small for both of us. we're both moody, space-needing people. who have a lot of stuff. when we move in together it has to be in the right place at the right time.

and yes, that is a *when*. it will happen, just not right now :)

Posted by rachie at 04:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 09, 2004

live aid dvd release

WOW, and that is so WICKED. The bizarre thing is I was JUST saying to Jackie this past week that it is almost 20 years since Live Aid and that they needed to release it on DVD and give the proceeds to charity.

From my mouth to Bob Geldof's ear, apparently!

Posted by rachie at 01:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

woot!

our weekend was somewhat... uh... crappy. both of us were moodiness personified and I think we could have well been renamed the bickersons for the weekend! she is still having a tough time and me - let's just say some months pms is not a good friend of mine.

other people, so-called friends weren't helping the situation but then, that wouldn't be a first.

today? feeling *so* much better. it's spring outside. you know how one day you step outside your front door and there's a certain something in the air - a scent, or a feel that just tells you it's spring? yeah, yesterday it happened. and there is sunshine and cool breezes and daffodils today.

also, I stopped procrastinating about the car I'm supposed to be selling and organized to get a new battery in it. go me!

best news of all? the tickets arrived!!! It's really really real now. it's really happening. I'm going to get to see Duran Duran in concert!

Posted by rachie at 01:41 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 04, 2004

at last!

i just treated myself. I just got two tickets to go and see duran duran in concert next month.

do you know how happy this makes me? ;>

Posted by rachie at 12:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

mars 03, 2004

how low can one man go?

Parents. You gotta love them.

Oh, hang on a minute, no you don't.

I was woken by a phone-call by my mother this morning. Wanting to know if I had talked to my father recently. No, I said, he'd tried to call me the weekend before last but my mobile battery had run out and I hadn't heard from him again.

Well, she said, his friend's wife had come into her work and tried to serve divorce papers on her. (DUDE! He got his *friends* to do his dirty work!) She refused to take the papers and when she got home, it transpired that he had called my brother to find out where and what days she worked. (DUDE! He USED my brother to do his dirty work!)

My brother called him back once he found out what had happened and demanded to know why my father had used him like that. Why he had out his son in the middle. My father's response? He didn't have any choice.

Uh-huh. Yeah. How about the choice to act like an ADULT? How about the choice to be a HUMAN BEING and actually call my mother and discuss this. To warn her instead of springing it on her at her WORK-PLACE.

My brother hung up on him. He called back and my brother ignored his calls. He finally caught my brother on his mobile at which point my brother told him he'd been ignoring his calls and then proceeded to tell him the home truths that have been brewing for 2+ years.

Including the fact that my father had bailed on us all the day his grandaughter was born and my brother hasn't seen him without his slut of a girlfriend since. Yeah, that's right, he called her a slut. My father hung up on him. I cheered my brother on. The only time I met the so-called girlfriend was right before I left NZ. I met her and my father for lunch. They couldn't keep their hands off each other. He'd left my mother not even six months before, after 31 years of marriage. It was completely nauseating.

Oh, I guess I missed out the part where my brother was tentatively diagnosed as bipolar the other day and all my father had to say was I'm sorry about that, gotta go now. I'm assuming this was in the same conversation where he used my brother to find out where mum was working.

So, after all this, the friend turns up at the door with the papers and proceeds to throw them through the door when my mother answers it. Dude! And you thought it couldn't get worse.

You know what makes me really sick? Half my genes are from this man. I have a lying, adulterous asshole as a father and part of me comes straight from him. And I hate that.

I am thisclose to emailing my father and telling him not to contact me again. I really want nothing to do with him. He obviously couldn't care less about how any of us feel. As usual, it's all about him and his new life. We're just a complication he puts up with. I had very little time or respect for him as it was, now I have none.

I certainly won't be attending his wedding to the wicked bitch of the west. I'm sure there will be one. I hope they make each other very happy. Except not.

Posted by rachie at 10:17 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 02, 2004

procrastinatory post

I'm getting to one of those points again where I know I have a thousand things to do and I don't have a clue where to start. I get a little behind in my organization - I get swept away with writing again, or I spent an extra night or two with Jax and suddenly I find myself struggling to remember what I have to do, or at the very least struggling to stop procrastinating and actually *do* it.

To a certain extent it's the ADD, to a certain extent, it's down to me just not taking charge and sorting my shit out.

i did finally get around to getting my hair cut and coloured today though, which was nice, although I'm not convinced I like the final cut. I am trying to grow it out a bit - maybe shoulder-length. But I'm not entirely sure I will make it through the growing-out phase. hey, at least it's a pretty colour now.

and I picked up my photos from the cotswolds. and it reminds me that I have a thousand and thirty photos to scan and organize to put online and that depresses me, so I avoid it and do something else instead.

and I *seriously* need to sort out the car situation before I get into major trouble.

Posted by rachie at 10:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mars 01, 2004

looks like I made it

Quite remarkably, I had a lovely weekend. J and I didn't talk about it. We didn't need to.

On Friday night, I made a lovely thai beef salad for dinner and we watched tv and had a couple of bottles of wine. saturday morning i cooked pancakes and then we spent the rest of the morning in bed doing those things you do in bed ;) And it was wonderful. It just keeps getting better, which is a shock to me, because I do generally get bored quickly. But with her it seems to be different, as we slowly edge into each other's souls and learn what the other likes and doesn't like, it gets more intimate and more passionate. and more beautiful.

for a girl that always thought sex was over-rated, it's quite a revelation.

we laid in bed afterwards talking about what to do on sunday. *the* day.

we decided to head out for saturday afternoon and she took me to a beautiful old pub out mirfield way. she'd lived out that way with her ex and we started to talk about what had happened with her break-up.

It turns out our experiences were more similar than I ever could have imagined. She too moved to a different country to be with her partner. Although they had been together for longer than my ex and I, and the reasons for breaking up were markedly different, essentially, our experiences and our emotional responses were very similar.

how strange and how very fateful that we should meet then, after all that we've been through. or maybe not so strange.

the pub really was beautiful and we have an idea of spending a weekend at the hotel right next door and just spending time walking in the area and sitting in the pub. mmmm, lovely.

then we went home and I cooked an indonesian chicken curry which was really beautiful. I followed that up with a thai dessert - coconut fried bananas and coconut caramel sauce with rasberries. yum! and how lovely to cook for a woman that appreciates it. I do love to please and to make people smile and I think a beautiful meal cooked with care and love is a really nice way to say thank you and i love you.

we watched tv again on saturday night, ended up watching ashley judd in double jeopardy which was quite enjoyable.

sunday morning we woke reasonably early (thanks to the kitten) and watched tv and made love. and I fell in love with her a little bit more. so then we discussed what to do and decided to go into town and have a wander around. which we did after dropping in on a couple of friends.

our wander around town consisted of me buying cookbooks, tracking down melissa etheridge's new cd (can you believe none of the major stockists were carrying it?) and, yes, a visit to the sex shop. it was fun. it made me laugh. and I felt good.

evening meant heading to the pub to catch up with friends and then we went back home and ate and watched animal planet all evening.

it was a lovely weekend. far more lovely than I could have or did expect.

it didn't hurt. I didn't cry. if anything, I was happy. happy for her and happy for me. because Jackie makes me happier than anyone ever has. this relationship is what I want and damn, it's good for me. I don't think I've ever been happier. And right at this moment, I am so damn proud of myself.

because I made it. I got past it and it was fine. and that's a hell of an achievement.

Posted by rachie at 01:44 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack