février 27, 2004

What I Love About Her (in no particular order)

What I Love About Her (in no particular order)

That she loves me
That she accepts me for who I am.
That she doesn't try to make me into anyone else. (Except maybe for someone a bit tidier!)
Her laugh
That she makes me laugh
Her tenderness
Her vulnerability and humanity
Her protectiveness
She hair!!
The way she smiles at me
Her taste in decorating
Her taste in girlfriends! 
That she trusts me
That she's still wary and once-bitten, twice shy
That she seems to understand me
That she respects me and my needs
Her golden brown skin and the way it feels against mine
The way she loves people and will go out of her way for her friends
Her amazing strength
That she listens to me and take notice of what I say
That she cooks for me sometimes
Her imperfections that make her perfect to me
Her eyes
Her kiss
Her soft-heartedness, even though she tries to hide it
The way she makes fun of me, even though I get embarrassed sometimes, I love that she feels comfortable enough to make fun.
That she opens up and is very honest with me, despite how scary it is. I wish she'd do it more
The way she makes love
Her accent!
Her penchant for middle of the day, boiling hot baths
That she's as lazy as I am
Her dreams for the future which include looking after waifs and strays
That she indulges my daydreams
That she puts up with me, even when I'm lousy company with no (or at least
very few) complaints!
Did I mention I love her laugh? :>
That she spends whole days in bed with me
Her exhibitionism and her sense of adventure which is so similar to mine
Her love of travel
Her love of animals
The way baby (the kitten) makes her heart turn on a penny
That she'd sit through Lord of the Rings for me ;>
The way she says things completely the opposite of what she mean and I know
she's shit talking ;>
That she's sometimes aggressive in bed. And experimental. I love that ;>
That she's changed my life

And so, so much more…..

Posted by rachie at 04:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack


It very prettily snowed last night. Just an inch or so and it's all melting already. The lawns look like they are iced, the sugary sorbet broken only by clumps of daffodils struggling to peer at the sun through the bitter cold.

I wish it would snow properly. Like, big drifts of snow. Eight inches - now that would be wicked.

But no. At least, not today. We might get more snow this weekend. This weekend.... hmmm, well, there's a thing.

I could pretend that I'm totally all right with this. That this weekend is the same as every other weekend. But I'm not that good at lying. I just don't know how to approach it emotionally. I'm not even sure how I feel, or even if I feel anything.

I guess I feel something. I'm happy for her. I'm happy she's found the one that makes her happy. And I'm happy for me, because more importantly, I've found the one that makes me happy. Come the weekend, I'll be in the arms I want to be in.

But, I'm sad too. It feels like the end of something. Not of the relationship, because that's long gone. But of... an era. An end of the full-on friendship we had. An end of still being able to be kids together, even though in our 20's. Which y'know, is silly, because that's long over already. We're adults now and we can't (and don't want to) go back.

But still. All those four hour phone conversations. Whole days spent emailing. Road trips full of drama and laughter. Those things that kept me sane through my late twenties, when everything was so hard and painful.

They're gone now, part of my past. Part of the memories that make me who I am today.

I'm sad I won't be there. But I'm glad I won't be there. That's her new life and this is mine. She'll look lovely, her family will be happy and it'll be a sweet day.

And me? I'll be me. Outrageous, gay and in love. And happy.

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février 26, 2004

I've been in a quizzy mood lately

Actually, I've been in a lousy mood, but that's okay - these things happen. I've been feeling kind of like I'm a crappy person. Like I'm selfish and I hurt people for no good reason. so this made me feel a little better about myself

gold heart
Heart of Gold

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

I know when the sun comes out, I'll be okay again. I know when I see Jackie, I'll be okay again. I know when I kiss her and whisper in her ear how much I love her, I'll be okay.

I guess I'm not okay when she's not okay. I feel that I need to make things right and I'm not even sure I made things wrong. but I just don't feel good right now.

I guess somewhere along the way she became really important to me. precious. and I need her to know that. I need that a lot right now.

Posted by rachie at 11:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 25, 2004

well there's a surprise...

Your muse is Melpomene, the Songstress, the muse of
Tragedy. Her symbol is the tragic mask. There
could be several reasons she is your muse. You
could be simply fascinated by the dark and the
plethora of emotions that accompany any good
tragedy. You could also be depressed yourself,
in which case you might try working on making
Thalia your muse...

Which of the Nine Muses is your muse?
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted by rachie at 01:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 24, 2004


My knee is feeling marginally better today. we went out for a lovely lunch and shared a bottle of lovely chilean chardonnay. and talked a lot.

my post yesterday helped a lot - helped me put things in perspective. it's sometimes scary to write such personal thoughts down and put them out in public - it scares me what people will think of me when I read them. it scares me that I will upset people, but like I told Jackie, this is part of learning to accept who I am, that I make mistakes and I am human. very human and very fallible.

we all hurt people. we hurt ourselves. fallibility, vulnerability are what make us human and in the end are what make us, *us*. And they're what make us able to be loved - it's pretty impossible to love perfection at the end of the day - because how can you live up to perfection? How can you deserve perfection?

Sometimes I think it's stronger to admit your faults and your flaws than to be traditionally 'strong' and stoic. It takes more courage to admit that you're a failure, that you can be an idiot and you can speak or act before thinking. It takes guts to admit that you don't *know* everything, or in fact, often know *anything*.

I know I don't know much, I know I learn about myself, my life and everyone else more every day. But I still make mistakes, I still struggle with my thoughts and feelings and my own humanity. I'm still learning. And I'll probably know less and less every day.

But in the meantime I'm dealing with stuff and I'm working it through in my head and today I'm not feeling too bad at all.

Posted by rachie at 07:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 23, 2004

Injured and Conflicted

The weekend kinda sucked. I managed in all my idiotic (read drunken) glory to fall over and wrench my knee. This required a trip to casualty on Sunday morning. Luckily it's not too badly injured - just strained ligaments and pulled muscles and quite a bit of swelling. so since I can barely walk on it, it requires me to sit and do nothing much for two or three days (hopefully no more than that).

Add to that an emotional and draining conversation with my girl when we got home on Saturday about my residual feelings for the ex and you have a pretty stinky weekend. It's hard to know what to say to her about the ex. I don't have any close friends here to talk about it and it seems natural to talk to her about things to do with the ex, but maybe it's not fair. But then again, she wants me to be honest with her and I'm not a good liar anyway.

The fact that the ex is getting married this coming weekend and the fact that we are talking again has flushed out a few feelings that need yet to be dealt with. I'm not sure that it's anything new or anything I haven't been aware with, it's simply that I'm being forced to deal with them now because of the circumstances. It's not like it's even anything serious - it's probably more closure than anything. Getting used to the idea that the largest part of her life now is something that I am never going to be part of.

My feelings are deeply complicated by the fact that the ex was my best friend for six years before we tried the gay/partners thing. I find it hard to tease out the seperate strands in my head and seperate my love and friendship feelings. Maybe because both were always really the same thing anyway. Maybe the bottom line is that for six years we were emotionally entwined in a way normal friends aren't. Maybe we were emotional lovers before we were ever physical lovers. I think maybe we were, without knowing it. I think maybe that's why it hit me so hard. Maybe that's why it's hard now. I need to stop looking back at that friendship and regarding it as something I lost seperate from my love. Because at the end of the day it was all one and the same, I just called it different things.


And I feel so desperately awful that this still affects me like this. I feel so angry at myself for letting this affect what I have with Jackie now. Because she deserves all of my heart and I want to give it all to her. I desperately want to be able to love her completely and utterly. But I'm not quite there as much as I want it.

But the thing is I'm not sure that she's right that part of my heart is still with the ex. I think it's more that I am still holding part of my heart to myself. The part that wants to say and know that this is an always and forever kind of love. The part that is so scarred by what happened before. The corner that still hurts because I expected too much from someone who couldn't give it. Because I gave my heart to a woman that couldn't return what I needed. Because I needed too much, maybe.

And I'm beyond blaming her for that. I know that's simply the way it was - we were too different, to similar in the wrong ways and not similar enough in the right ways. I needed to grow up, I needed to learn to be strong for myself. She was the lesson I needed to learn, but that lesson is still raw enough in my memory, those wounds are still so freshly healed that... well, it's like walking on my knee. I can do it, but it hurts. I'm frightened to put too much weight on it in case it gives way.

I'm frightened of hurting Jackie and I know she's frightened of being hurt. And she says things, things that confuse me and sometimes frighten me because I know that she's not ready to say or not sure that this is an always and forever kind of love either. She's been through the mill too and a part of her still holds back. And she has an ex and it's a guy and she once was engaged to him and so it's all complicated because she still is close to him and he doesn't even know I exist.

And so I am frightened of being hurt too. Because one of us has to take the plunge first and give in to the wholeness and completeness. We're teetering on the precipice but there is so much at stake.

And I'm not sure how to negotiate this narrow ledge we seem to be on this week. All I know is we have to get through. Because on the other side of next weekend, it'll all be done and dusted. The past will be over in a way that I probably need, truth be told. The last strands of belonging will be severed. That's what I want, anyway.

But I'm still scared. And my knee hurts like hell.

Posted by rachie at 05:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 20, 2004

I am a lucky one....

Did I mention I'd managed to lose my purse while i was away? did I also mention everything I had with a signature on was in that purse and everything that would enable me to obtain money from my accounts was also in said purse?

yeah, well, like a dork, I did. I managed to drop it on Sunday morning when we visited the barn owl centre just outside of gloucester. (a post to come on that, I promise!). I only realized when we got back on Sunday night that I no longer had my purse on me and my heart was in my mouth, my whole being on the verge of nervous panic as I called them to see if it was there.

I must be the luckiest girl in england, because it was there, safe and sound. It arrived back in the mail today, complete with the £30 I had in it and all my cards. I couldn't be more grateful. I swear I must have a guardian angel or ten. (actually I've been told that instead of the guides most people have, I do have a group of guardian angels that hang around with me. So if you believe in that kind of thing...)

It's so weird, beacause usually I am so careful with my purse. I'll lose my keys left right and centre, but usually my purse stays safely ensconced in my bag. And that's certainly where it's going to stay from now on.

Posted by rachie at 04:33 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

février 19, 2004


I have a favourite peice of classical music. it's the intermezzo from cavalleria rusticana by Pietro Mascagni. It's simply one of the most hauntingly beautiful peices ever written. The strings take my spirit places that it doesn't usually visit. it makes my heart ache, the exquisite melody and harmonies literally bring an ache to my chest.

part of this is because of the memory I closely associate with it. The first time I heard this peice, I was lying on the grass at an opera concert. it was opera in the park at the basin reserve in wellington. it was late afternoon in late summer, the sun was sinking and the sky was the incredibly vibrant blue that you only seem to be able to find in New Zealand.

I was staring up at this sky, marred only by a few cobwebs of cloud and this divine music washed over me. it engulfed me and as I listened, a seagull flew overhead. It drifted and wheeled on the soft currents of air, as though it too was listening to this heavenly sound.

It was possibly the most perfect moment I have ever known. One of those moments that is so fleeting and yet so perfect that you take it and frame it in your memory as utter perfection. And that music climbed into my soul and made a home in my heart.

I say all this because I have just played it and while it still has that memory, it now brings me a new memory. I played it for Jackie the other week and I told her about my perfect moment. And she understood. She *got* it. Again, it wasn't something I had to explain - I just told her and she nodded and I just knew she understood how special a moment like that can be. And so, in some way, I shared it with her, that precious moment in time, and now that is a part of her too. And in turn, she is a part of that music in my soul.

and I really love that.

Posted by rachie at 11:11 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 17, 2004

old love

I've managed to catch a cold from the girl so I am feeling a little at sea. I want to write something coherant and cohesive - I keep getting glimpses of what I want to say in my head. But only glimpses - I don't think I can think long enough to be able to put something together that will make any sense.

The weekend I think whetted my appetite for travelling - I feel quite restless at the moment. Now I know I'm only a couple of months away from moving I want to find somewhere new now. Or at least make a decision about what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go.

On a friendship front, things have been strange lately. I'm talking to the ex-girlfriend again which is really nice, but also a little strange as she is gearing up for the big wedding in a couple of weeks time. It is strange to be so peripheral to such a huge event in her life. A few years ago it would have been unimaginable that I wouldn't have been involved. And now? Well, I don't want to be involved, obviously, that would be too weird. But it still feels odd.

One of the wonderful things with Jackie is that she understands what I'm trying to say - often before I even get it out of my mouth. I talked to her about this in the weekend. How I will always love the ex, but it's something different, something past and over. But love isn't something you can turn off. It's something that changes, mellows and settles into a corner of your heart I suppose. But your heart never forgets that intensity and that care that you had for that old love.

And you can't help but worry. I worry about her - I see her entering into this marriage, rushing into it heart and soul and I know that she feels it's the rightest thing ever, but I remember how I felt when I moved to be with her, that it too was the rightest thing ever. and we all know how that turned out. I know it's not the same and I know she knows her own mind. I just hope it works out for her.

It's funny how things change though, how your perspective shifts and alters. They say time heals all wounds. I saw something the other day that said Love heals all wounds. I thought how very true that was. How I was so grateful that I had the love and support of friends and family, even from a world away and how meeting Jackie has continued the dramatic changes in my life and my view of the world.

How much I have learned over the past two years. How much it has changed me. How grateful I am for all of it.

Posted by rachie at 10:47 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 16, 2004

soapbox time

The groundswell is becoming a tidal wave. I came across this on LJ -

Marriage is love.

This guy has had close to 7000 people commenting on his journal, so far. Now it's a given that Livejournal has a young clientele, but it does make me hopeful for our future.

Also, I missed the news over the weekend, so I didn't see this until now. that is so cool.

dubya, look what you started....

Posted by rachie at 03:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

we are everywhere!

I want one of these!

Posted by rachie at 02:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

back to life...

Our weekend was absolutely divine. Even the weather behaved. I won't post details right now - you know, work needs to be done and all. I'll post some later. I took heaps of photos of all the adorable villages but they will take a week or so to be developed - plus there's a thousand and one photos which I still need to get up from the past six months...

We've decided though that we are going to make this at least a monthly thing - a weekend away once a month where we can just be tourists and forget the rest of the world exists. A weekend where we can just love each other and enjoy what we have together.

Posted by rachie at 01:46 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 12, 2004


I am so unbelievably tired. I just fell asleep for a few minutes and woke up to realize I'd missed the end of the TNG episode I was watching. Anyone who knows me knows I just don't fall asleep at 6pm.

I've got really bad cramping - I get it like this maybe once every six months where it completely strips me of strength and the ability to think straight. I know I have things to do, but you know, I'm damned if I know what they are. whatever, I don't think I really care. I'm all medicated up and the cocodamol has finally hit home and releived the pain. Now I'm just wiped. The thought of trying to make dinner is simply beyond me right now.

I did go out and buy myself a yummy bath robe that was on sale at la senza, so I am all wrapped up in that now and watching tv. when I'm a little more together I'll update again. I don't know if that'll be before Monday though. We're heading away tomorrow afternoon for our weekend in the Cotswolds.

I can't wait. I have a feeling it's going to be a wonderful weekend....

Posted by rachie at 06:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 11, 2004

future changes

I don't have much to say today - yesterday was an all day meeting/consultancy session and today has just been work. and pain. that low nagging backache that accompanies the thing you really don't want to arrive right before valentines weekend. yeah, my luck is really holding out. except not so much.

turns out I'm going to have to make some decisions in the next few months. the place I am living in is being sold so I'll have to be out by the end of my lease in two and a half months. Which isn't a problem in itself. The decision about where to go is.

I want to be near Jackie but I'm not sure that either of us are ready to live together yet. although she did mention it when we talked last night, which is nice. I need to be sure she's *really* sure that's what she wants though. I think I could be ready by then, but... you know, fear and the memories of the past play a big part.

and then there's all my stuff. I accumulate *stuff* like you wouldn't believe. I have a big sack of clothes to go to the charity shop and still two small wardrobes still. then there's the books and the ebay magazines (slowly whittling them down, thank god!). Can we fit all my stuff in that flat along with all her stuff? My kitchen stuff alone will cause serious headaches. Actually, getting all that stuff up three flights of stairs will cause serious headaches.

But you know - there would be advantages. We'd be sharing costs, and sharing our lives and a bed on a permanent basis. I'm not so sure I have a problem with that! Even with our moods, I'm sure we could make it work. Hee.

and if I didn't, I'd have to find somewhere else and probably be locked into another six month lease. which, y'know, I could cope with. if I have to. if it's right for us.

and then there's the job. my contract for *that* is up in July. and I had thought of finding a job down in Leeds, but the other day my boss mentioned a maternity leave cover job that's coming up in June and the fact that it's several thousand more a year than the pittance I'm earning now. Which would, y'know, be nice. and nice that he wants me to stay around. but then there's the travelling - if I'm living in Leeds, it's a long way every day.... still, I guess I'm doing it twice a week as it is.

oh well, we'll see. there's time before we/I have to make decisions. although knowing how fast time seems to be flowing lately - it'll be here before I know it.

oh well, the tea leaves lady did say I'd be changing houses and jobs soon...

Posted by rachie at 03:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 09, 2004

I love her.

My weekend was incredible. Maybe it's because I was away the previous weekend, I don't know. Maybe it's just because she touches me in places I've never been touched before. In my heart. In my head. In my soul.

I love her so much it brings me to tears sometimes. especially those times when I wish my love could transform the way she sees herself.

I worry about her, especially this weekend. it was wonderful but there were large chunks of it when she simply wasn't herself. and I want so badly to help her. but I'm not sure how if she won't let me in. and I'm scared to push too hard and I'm scared that she won't let me in and I'm scared I won't know what's going on in her head and her heart. I'm scared that she won't trust me because that's the basis of it all. in the end, that's what love is built on.

the flowers and the music and the lovemaking is all very nice. it's wonderful, in fact. but the respect and the trust - they're the bed in which all the romantic gestures lie.

we both carry baggage. we're both so terribly afraid of losing something which is suddenly so precious to us. and in that, we're letting the pain of the past spill into what we have. and I refuse to let the past ruin what I have now.

so I simply have to trust that she will trust me. that she will talk to me when she needs to. that she can open up and let me see her weakness and know that I will still love her, no matter what.

because I will. I love every inch of her - the strength and the weakness. the warrior woman and the vulnerable child. I love her when she smiles. when she laughs. when she cries.

I love her consistency and her inconsistency. I love her scarred, flawed, sensitive, fragile, incredible heart. I love her funny, smart, scared, mixed-up, beautiful head. I love her soul and all the love and loss it contains.

I just love her. I just hope she realizes how much.

Posted by rachie at 01:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 06, 2004

oh my god....

oh my god - pink *featuring peaches

Put me on the table
Make me say your name
If I can't remember
Then give me all your pain
I can sit and listen
Or I can make you scream
Kiss it and make it better
Just put your trust in me

Oh my God, go a little slower
Oh my God, what was that again
La da da, let me feel you baby
Let me in, 'cause I understand
Let me feel you baby
'Cause I understand

I understand all
Now climb my sugar walls
Problem solved it's dissolved
with the solvent known as spit
Lickity lick not so quick it's a
Slick ride make my mink slide
'Cause were all pink inside

This can be really easy
It doesn't have to be hard
Here baby let me show you
I'll have ya, climbing up the walls
You got all the problems
I think that I can solve
Why don't you come in here baby
Why don't we sit and talk

[Chorus x2]

You like the top and the bottom
You make a drop and then caught 'em
And when you rock then you've got 'em
Oh my God 'em oh my God 'em

[Ad libs]
Let me feel you baby
'Cause I understand

I understand
Now let me show you where to put that hand
Right lower where the entrance is
I think I can, I think I can
I got your coochie-coo, how about you
I got your coochie-coo too

Oh my God 'em oh my God 'em oh my God 'em
Oh my God 'em oh my God 'em

Oh my God

Oh my God 'em oh my God 'em oh my God 'em

Oh my God

Oh my God 'em oh my God 'em oh my God 'em

Oh my God

Oh my God 'em oh my God 'em oh my God 'em

Oh my God

Oh my God 'em oh my God 'em oh my God 'em

Oh my God

Oh my God 'em oh my God 'em oh my God 'em

Okay, STOP!

Okay, possibly hottest. dykey. song. ever.

Posted by rachie at 03:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

both sides of the coin

Sometimes you can spend years trying to be what someone else wants. You can try and live up to their expectations, try and pass their tests, play their games. I've done it with any number of people in my life ever since I was a child.

I grew up as the peacemaker of the family. I tried to smooth over the rows, I tried to be the 'good girl'. I tried to fulfil expectations and I tried desperately to make people happy. And proud of me.

In the end though, I realized something. You can't make people feel or think anything. And if you have to not be *you* to live up to people's expectations, then the bottom line is, their expectations of you are unrealistic. Whatever they may think.

When I look back over my past relationships with family, friends and lovers, sometimes it upsets me how messed up they were. How many games were played. How what could have been something sweet and comforting ultimately became exhausting, painful and treacherous.

Many of these relationships were unhealthily symbiotic. We each thrived on our need. To be validated. To be told we were good enough. I think deep down I thought that maybe if the voices of the people around me were loud enough they would drown out the voices in my own head. I don't think I was the only one.

And we thrived on drama. Drama is an attention-getter. Drama makes you interesting. Someone being unfairly nasty to you makes you interesting. Your pain makes you interesting. And a martyr.

But ultimately, it's all bullshit. We all suffer. We all go through pain. We're only a victim if we choose to be. At the end of the day, our pain is ours. Personally. We can't share it around. We can't dole out pieces to people willing to take our load. We have to deal with it ourselves. And we choose our own ways to do that.

Somewhere along the path I've been stumbling along for the past few years, I realized that. I think what happened with the ex really changed me. It forced me to look at life and myself differently. It made me realize that so many of the things I had thought painful before were really mere pinpricks. It always takes a frame of reference I guess.

And now I'm at a place where I believe I'm engaging in healthy relationships. Some people don't like the way I've changed, but I believe that is their problem and not mine. I am not about to sacrifice being happy and being myself in order to please other people any more.

That's the thing with relationships. They can buckle and crash under the stress of change. Or they can ultimately change themselves. The good ones, the strong ones with the people that really care about who you are and how you feel, they're the ones that change. That become stronger and healthier. The only thing that will ultimately kill a relationship is the feelings of the people engaged in it and how they choose to respond to those feelings.

I've been both sides of that coin and I know I'm on the right side now.

Posted by rachie at 10:50 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

février 05, 2004

be my valentine

yay! my girl and I are going away for valentines weekend. we're going to whisk ourselves off to the cotswolds and relax for a couple of days.

I've just booked us a room in a little b&b which is supposed to have a lovely view ovver lovely gardens.

I can't wait to take her away somewhere where we can see new sights, where we can walk and talk and laugh and make love slowly and leisurely.

It's going to be wonderful...

Posted by rachie at 09:07 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 04, 2004

ways with words

I was reading my entries from last february earlier. two things struck me. the first was how far I have come since then. how obvious it was that I was struggling to keep it together and then when I crashed, how bloody my pain was.

the second is how evocative my writing was at that time. maybe it still is, I don't know, maybe it's just that I'm talking about different things now. I had a lot of time to sit and think back then and I had time to put my feelings into words. I was pretty much a raw, walking wound and I think I knew that the only way to heal was in the open air.

Now I think I have pulled back a little. I have developed a security in who I am and what I think. I'm so much stronger than I was back then. I no longer have to look to other people to prop me up, I'm okay on my own. I can deal with my own problems now.

Don't get me wrong, it still helps to talk, it definately still helps to write things down and work through them. But... I'm different now. I'm a grown-up and I think I behave like a grown-up. I deal with things on an adult level and I don't make a drama production out of everything. this last couple of months has been interesting in that respect. how differently I have dealt with things that have happened to me. how things that would have turned my life upside down a year ago, simply happen now, I deal with them in the moment and I move on.

but the writing... the writing is important and I think I am almost to a place now where I have the confidence in myself to try something new....

Posted by rachie at 04:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 03, 2004

tea leaves future clues

The weekend before the one that has just been – I went to see a woman who reads your future in tea-leaves. Well, several of us did.

It was quite odd. I've never been to see anyone like that before and I have to admit, I found it quite unsettling. That someone can possibly see intimate details of my life before they happen. Or they can see things that have happened in the past without knowing me.

she told me some things I know, she told me some good things and some things I wasn't quite so sure I wanted to hear.

but one thing really gave me a start. she asked me when the last member of my family died. I replied it was a while ago now and she asked who it was. I said it was my uncle. he killed himself.

she looked in the cup and nodded, seeing she could see a noose. she showed it to me and I saw it too. see, the thing is? my uncle hung himself.

she told me he wanted me to pass a message on. that he hadn't been able to pass it on any other way. he wanted to say he was sorry he had killed himself and that it was simply that he couldn't be here any more. life was too painful for him. and that he was fine now. I asked, to clarify - he's okay? she nodded and smiled. he's better than okay.

I know I need to pass the message on to my father. I don't know how he'll take it though. he'll probably brush it off. I want him to pass it on to my uncle's sons. whether they believe it or not, it might give them a small measure of comfort. maybe.

it left me quite shaken though and the shock wasn't quite waylaid by another question.

have I done any writing lately? I didn't really answer before she told me that she sees me being very successful with my writing. I nodded and told her that is my ambition. if she's right, I'm going to fulfill it. at some point.

even now, I am still a little freaked out by it all.

Posted by rachie at 03:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

février 02, 2004

not quite a socialite

The weekend seriously rocked. didn't get to see much of london other than the inside of pubs. but then that's not unusual for england in winter.

everyone was cool - we had a lot of fun, we made fun of dave and his gay shirt and generally all got on really well. and now I have people to go and see in london, cardiff and oxford which is nice and also one of the girls is going to uni up in durham come september and we plan to have get togethers when she does. I even talked to the girl sitting next to me on the train for an hour or so of the outbound journey.

it was really good for me - extending my comfort zone once again and having a really good time in doing it. and really, when you can just head to london for a weekend, how damn lucky are you? I live in such a fabulous country - there is so much to do and see, everything is incredibly close and transport is really a breeze and the people are incredible.

I really am blessed.

Posted by rachie at 09:55 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack