janvier 30, 2004

scary...exciting...scary...exciting...

*gulp* I've just booked a train ticket to London to meet up with some internet friends I've never met in person before. I'm even bunking down on one of the guy's couches for the night. sometimes I think I must be completely nuts.

but I think it's going to be fun. and it's way past time that I actually got into london. sounds like we're starting off at leicester square and going from there. it should be cool. it's also good for me to step outside my comfort zone at the moment and do some stuff on my own. i need to prove to myself that I'm able to. I was so close to cancelling this this morning but I know it will be good for me.

also, I've gotten some stuff that's been bugging me done today. I've actually stopped procrastinating and I've done what I can for the moment. It feels good.

Posted by rachie at 02:06 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

telephone time (that's what friends are for)

There is simply nothing better than talking to your oldest, dearest friend. Even if it is the first time in months. this friend of mine always helps me put my head on straight again and I always seem to put the phone down knowing where I'm going from here. her wisdom and love makes me feel better about myself and about my life and my decisions. she knows me so well and there's such a wonderful level of comfort there when we talk. and boy do we talk. about anything and everything. about fluff and about the really important things in life.

we talked about the cat and my girl. we talked about her school work and we talked about the concept of love and the psychology/emotionality of being gay. we talked about friendship and changes and expectations. we talked about therapy. it was interesting to note that we stopped talking to our (shared) therapist at the same time. and for essentially the same reasons. it was nice to have that confirmation that the way I was feeling at the time wasn't imagined.

in the end, after almost two and a half hours, she had to go out. we could have talked for another two and a half hours easy and not have even scratched the surface.

I am so blessed to have this friend in my life. to have grown and changed with her, to have shared my ups and downs with her. she understands, she accepts and she loves me. I couldn't ask for more.

J, you are the best and I love you to peices.

Posted by rachie at 12:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 28, 2004

wind down

I'm having one of those down periods. I think coming off the euphoria of the holiday and crashing back down to earth has finally caught up with me. I don't think it's any one major thing, more just a series of little things which have piled up on top of me. plus I'm feeling really homesick, for the first time in ages. I'm having to finally confront finding a new home for my cat, a dear friend is due to have her first baby in a month and generally I just miss my family and am worried about them all.

and I'm scared. having realized how much I love jackie, having committed my heart to this relationship, suddenly I find I'm terrified. Because I want something from it now, I'm starting to develop expectations, against my better judgement, I'm starting to have that certain emotional dependence that you have in a relationship and it's scaring the crap out of me. especially when she jokes about me finding someone else. it's not something I want to, or am able to contemplate right at the moment. I'm feeling particularly vulnerable and I'm not 100% sure why.

I cut down my meds about a month ago, but I would have thought the insecurity would have kicked in before now if that was it. But then I suppose we had the wonderful two weeks of the holiday which alleviated all stress, so maybe it's just hitting me now.

but that's what it is, I think. Insecurity. I'm just not exactly sure what's triggered it. That's something I need to work out I think.

I'm off down to London this weekend by myself to meet up with some friends. I think it will be good for me - getting away and having some fun as an individual rather than a couple. I think it'll be good for us. as long as I don't spin out on the snowy roads! :)

Posted by rachie at 10:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 26, 2004

pub patter

our weekend was really full-on. well, okay, that's a little exaggerated since we didn't get out of bed until 4pm yestarday. but you know. apart from that it was pretty busy. the problem is, I'm so exhausted today I can barely think straight. and I'm not entirely sure why.

I've had a reasonable amount of sleep (well, aside from the partying), I'm not pre-menstrual and I've not been terribly busy. I can't quite work it out.

last night we had planned to go out for a romantic thai meal. but, as usually happens, we were assaulted by text messages in the early afternoon, beckoning us to the local pub. so we decided to head down for a drink before dinner. but, as also usually happens, the drink turned into two and then three and before we knew it, we were singing to copacabana and girls on film and leaving at closing. and then, as also usually happens, we picked up a curry on the way home.

but it was such a fun night. if you've very seen any british soap (especially coronation street), you might have some idea what I've walked into. a local pub where everyone knows everyone else. where everyone spends a good deal of their free time and everyone consumes large quantities of lager.

last night, two of our gay boys even came down to join us, which is quite unheard of. and we had such a lovely time.

it's still weird though. sometimes I really feel like I've walked into a soap opera or a sitcom, or a slightly screwball combination of the two. there's the drama queen with her on-off boyfriend. there's the sisters who are like a comedy two-fer. the guy who thinks he's the big man around town and his mousy little girlfriend, the gay guy who we all adore, the cute and funny barmaid and various and sundry other characters who honestly could have walked straight out of a soap. and then there's us, the resident femme lesbians who tease all the guys but who only have eyes for each other. and there's all the associated dramas and hilarious moments that you could imagine. sometimes it just boggles my mind. especially after half a dozen pints of beer.

and we're part of the fabric of this place. after six months I really do feel like one of the gang. and when I'm down in London next weekend it will feel odd not being there. not as much as it will feel odd not being with the girl. but time apart is not necessarily a bad thing.

but I love it. it's easy and it's almost always fun. there's no work involved in getting on with most of these people. some of them took a while to accept me, simply because they love my girl so much and are protective of her. but now they know I'm not out to hurt her. that I adore her as much as they do and am serious about wanting to be with her.

and I'd like to think that they like me for *me* too, not just because I am her girl. but because I am fun to be around and because I care for them all now.

it's just so different to what I am used to. socializing is completely different here to what it is at home. and definately to what it is in America. but it's so much fun. and I am consistently having so much fun. it's a really nice feeling.

Posted by rachie at 05:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 23, 2004

agenda battle

this whole same-sex marriage thing is becoming a real hot issue with me. you see, the more people tell me I'm not allowed to do something, the more I'll raise my voice until they can give me good and valid reasons why. and maintaining the 'sanctity of marriage' doesn't cut it, folks.

saying that marriage is not a 'right' doesn't cut it. saying it's the 'will of the people' doesn't cut it.

bottom line is most straight people don't like it because it's different. we're different, and that scares them.

back in the 60's inter-racial marriage scared people too. did that mean it was wrong?

now let's get this straight. I am not currently planning to get married. I'm not sure if I'll ever choose to go down that road. but dammit, don't tell me I can't if I want to. don't tell me because I choose to love a woman that our partnership is not good enough for legal protection. don't tell me that I have no right to stand up in front of my family and friends and say I love that woman, and have it mean something.

yes, historically marriage is an institution between a man and a woman. but things change. slavery was an institution once and a country went to war over it. no, it's not comparable, but at the end of the day, attitudes change and people accept those changes.

attitudes towards homosexuality have changed incredibly, even in my lifetime, but they still have a way to go. and as gay people, we have to keep making our voices heard if we ever want to claim complete equality. it's going to take time, and we're going to piss some people off, but at the end of the day, we have to stand up for ourselves, because no-one else is going to. certainly not our elected 'leaders'.

and yet, sometimes you see something that just makes you smile. something that makes you realize that things are changing, and you know that one day, we'll win this battle. check out this poll on the AFA website. and the associated wired article. that, my friends, is cool.

Posted by rachie at 10:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 22, 2004

somewhere in my wicked childhood

I think it's eminently possible that my luck is finally balancing out. over the past ten years ago my luck has been, on the whole, not that good. and then I had a year that kicked the crap out of me. I mean literally, like, almost destroyed me.

I think I got to the point where I thought, even though I had hit rock bottom, that things were still going to get worse. Because. Well, they had. up until june last year, my life seemed to be a a constant series of disasters. I seemed to stumble from one crisis to the next, with hardly time to breathe in between.

and then... well, the disasters stopped. I pulled myself together. and now I feel like the past six months has packed in all the luck in the world to balance out the crap that went before.

Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm simply learning to take things in my stride. Realizing that not everything is or has to be a big drama. because I like to use my energy up on more... ahem.... enhoyable pursuits.

But really, I am incredibly blessed. I have a wonderful family, the best friends a girl could ever ask for and I have my girl. and wow, how lucky did I get there?? I know I am going on a bit lately, but really, it is so amazing to feel like this, to finally feel like I'm not picking the short straw all the time. Like the cosmos has finally stopped and said "hey, she's had more than her fair share of shit flung at her, let's balance it out a bit". It's just so nice to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day.

Posted by rachie at 11:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

it's a wonderful life

So, on Sunday? Jackie and I will have been together for six months. With a kind of tentative start, which, is understandable, given everything we'd been through individually before that, we've grown into the most wonderful relationship I have ever experienced.

six months.

wow. it really doesn't feel like that long. sometimes I feel like I'm just scratching the surface with her. and other times I feel like I've simply bypassed all the layers and found the core of her. she's fascinating, wonderful and completely adorable. I'm not sure that I've ever known anyone like her.

so, six months. And it feels so new and yet so right and so scary. both of us I think still have our moments. have our fear.

I know I do. I find myself thinking about the future, picturing us in our own place, laughing and growing together. growing old together. and god that scares me, becuse that's how I thought about the ex at the beginning and then all my hopes crumbled as I realized that things were falling apart. and so much of me doesn't even dare to hope.

And yet, I feel caught in the moment. I don't dare to hope for the future and yet, I've realized that I can't imagine my life without her. unable to take a step forward and unwilling to take a step back.

I imagine this will pass. it's still going to take some time for me to feel like I can trust myself not to screw this up. it's going to take some time for her too. we're both once bitten twice shy when it comes to commitment. I don't know that that's a bad thing though, at least we're not jumping into anything before we're ready. I know it's tempting - I spend so much time at hers anyway, it sometimes seems silly that we are maintaining seperate homes.

And yet, I know it's the right thing. it's necessary for me to maintain my independence for the moment. I need to feel strong and independent and I need to give her all the space she wants. Until we're both 100% ready, it's a good and necessary thing.

I've rushed into things before, in fact that's all I ever seem to have done, and I'm finally learning that instant gratification isn't necessarily a good thing. Impulse isn't necessarily a good way to make important decisions. Actually, generally it's a pretty sucky way.

In the meantime, all I need to do is take every day and enjoy it as much as I can. when you're this happy, there's really no need to look to the future. simply looking forward to the end of the day and seeing her is enough for now. knowing she loves me as much as I love her, that this is the healthy, loving relationship I always deserved is enough.

life is wonderful... and come sunday, I plan to show her just how wonderful she's made my life.

Posted by rachie at 12:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 21, 2004

my inner geek

You are 17% geek
OK, so maybe you ain't a geek. You do, at least, show a bit of interest in the world around you. Either that, or you have enough of a sense of humor to pick some of the sillier answers on the test. Regardless, you're probably a pretty nifty, well-rounded person who gets along fine with people and can chat with just about anyone without fear of looking stupid or foolish or overly concerned with minutiae. God, I hate you.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

mmmm, drew. plus, ha! my geekiness is diminishing in direct proportion to me getting a life. that's pretty cool.

Posted by rachie at 09:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

a brief update

So, I went to the solicitor's yesterday and it was fine. He seemed pretty happy with the statement I gave him and he asked questions to clarify some points. Luckily, in discussing later with Jackie & family, it seems my memories pretty well match up with theirs – down to the bil sitting on the wall and sister standing in front of him.

So, it was good. I had photographs of their injuries and he asked me to keep them in a safe place. He may use them as evidence if this goes to trial. If it does go to trial, I'll be giving evidence on behalf of all of them. That's kind of a scary thought, but it feels good too. Like I'll be able to get up somewhere where it matters and say what I saw. And how wrong it was. And that the police are lying through their teeth.

He asked about the woman DCI, so he's on the case about her and also about the cops being from Wakefield. It would be so nice if this was thrown out of court next week before it goes to trial, but we're not holding our collective breaths. We shall see.

I'll be keeping you posted.

Posted by rachie at 11:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

A few little numbers to help you sleep at night…. or not

I'll make a post later on about what happened yesterday. In the meantime, this is from yesterday's issue of the independent.

Today the President gives his annual address. As the election battle begins, how does his first term add up?
20 January 2004
232: Number of American combat deaths in Iraq between May 2003 and January 2004
501: Number of American servicemen to die in Iraq from the beginning of the war - so far
0: Number of American combat deaths in Germany after the Nazi surrender to the Allies in May 1945
0: Number of coffins of dead soldiers returning home from Iraq that the Bush administration has allowed to be photographed
0: Number of funerals or memorials that President Bush has attended for soldiers killed in Iraq
100: Number of fund-raisers attended by Bush or Vice-President Dick Cheney in 2003
13: Number of meetings between Bush and Tony Blair since he became President
10 million: Estimated number of people worldwide who took to the streets in opposition to the invasion of Iraq, setting an all-time record for simultaneous protest
2: Number of nations that Bush has attacked and taken over since coming into the White House
9.2: Average number of American soldiers wounded in Iraq each day since the invasion in March last year
1.6: Average number of American soldiers killed in Iraq per day since hostilities began

16,000: Approximate number of Iraqis killed since the start of war
10,000: Approximate number of Iraqi civilians killed since the beginning of the conflict
$100 billion: Estimated cost of the war in Iraq to American citizens by the end of 2003
$13 billion: Amount other countries have committed towards rebuilding Iraq (much of it in loans) as of 24 October
36%: Increase in the number of desertions from the US army since 1999
92%: Percentage of Iraq's urban areas that had access to drinkable water a year ago
60%: Percentage of Iraq's urban areas that have access to drinkable water today
32%: Percentage of the bombs dropped on Iraq this year that were not precision-guided
1983: The year in which Donald Rumsfeld gave Saddam Hussein a pair of golden spurs
45%: Percentage of Americans who believed in early March 2003 that Saddam Hussein was involved in the 11 September attacks on the US
$127 billion: Amount of US budget surplus in the year that Bush became President in 2001
$374 billion: Amount of US budget deficit in the fiscal year for 2003
1st: This year's deficit is on course to be the biggest in United States history
$1.58 billion: Average amount by which the US national debt increases each day
$23,920: Amount of each US citizen's share of the national debt as of 19 January 2004
1st: The record for the most bankruptcies filed in a single year (1.57 million) was set in 2002
10: Number of solo press conferences that Bush has held since beginning his term. His father had managed 61 at this point in his administration, and Bill Clinton 33
1st: Rank of the US worldwide in terms of greenhouse gas emissions per capita
$113 million: Total sum raised by the Bush-Cheney 2000 campaign, setting a record in American electoral history
$130 million: Amount raised for Bush's re-election campaign so far
$200m: Amount that the Bush-Cheney campaign is expected to raise in 2004
$40m: Amount that Howard Dean, the top fund-raiser among the nine Democratic presidential hopefuls, amassed in 2003
28: Number of days holiday that Bush took last August, the second longest holiday of any president in US history (Recordholder: Richard Nixon)
13: Number of vacation days the average American worker receives each year
3: Number of children convicted of capital offences executed in the US in 2002. America is only country openly to acknowledge executing children
1st: As Governor of Texas, George Bush executed more prisoners (152) than any governor in modern US history
2.4 million: Number of Americans who have lost their jobs during the three years of the Bush administration
221,000: Number of jobs per month created since Bush's tax cuts took effect. He promised the measure would add 306,000
1,000: Number of new jobs created in the entire country in December. Analysts had expected a gain of 130,000
1st: This administration is on its way to becoming the first since 1929 (Herbert Hoover) to preside over an overall loss of jobs during its complete term in office
9 million: Number of US workers unemployed in September 2003
80%: Percentage of the Iraqi workforce now unemployed
55%: Percentage of the Iraqi workforce unemployed before the war
43.6 million: Number of Americans without health insurance in 2002
130: Number of countries (out of total of 191 recognised by the United Nations) with an American military presence
40%: Percentage of the world's military spending for which the US is responsible
$10.9 million: Average wealth of the members of Bush's original 16-person cabinet
88%: Percentage of American citizens who will save less than $100 on their 2006 federal taxes as a result of 2003 cut in capital gains and dividends taxes
$42,000: Average savings members of Bush's cabinet are expected to enjoy this year as a result in the cuts in capital gains and dividends taxes
$42,228: Median household income in the US in 2001
$116,000: Amount Vice-President Cheney is expected to save each year in taxes
44%: Percentage of Americans who believe the President's economic growth plan will mostly benefit the wealthy
700: Number of people from around the world the US has incarcerated in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
1st: George W Bush became the first American president to ignore the Geneva Conventions by refusing to allow inspectors access to US-held prisoners of war
+6%: Percentage change since 2001 in the number of US families in poverty
1951: Last year in which a quarterly rise in US military spending was greater than the one the previous spring
54%: Percentage of US citizens who believe Bush was legitimately elected to his post
1st: First president to execute a federal prisoner in the past 40 years. Executions are typically ordered by separate states and not at federal level
9: Number of members of Bush's defence policy board who also sit on the corporate board of, or advise, at least one defence contractor
35: Number of countries to which US has suspended military assistance after they failed to sign agreements giving Americans immunity from prosecution before the International Criminal Court
$300 million: Amount cut from the federal programme that provides subsidies to poor families so they can heat their homes
$1 billion: Amount of new US military aid promised Israel in April 2003 to offset the "burdens" of the US war on Iraq
58 million: Number of acres of public lands Bush has opened to road building, logging and drilling
200: Number of public-health and environmental laws Bush has attempted to downgrade or weaken
29,000: Number of American troops - which is close to the total of a whole army division - to have either been killed, wounded, injured or become so ill as to require evacuation from Iraq, according to the Pentagon
90%: Percentage of American citizens who said they approved of the way George Bush was handling his job as president when asked on 26 September, 2001
53%: Percentage of American citizens who approved of the way Bush was handling his job as president when asked on 16 January, 2004

It scares me, that in November this year, the American people will conceivably put this man back into power. This man who is more than happy to execute, hold prisoner and kill thousands of people and yet tries to take away the right of every woman to choose what to do with her body in order to 'protect' the unborn child.

This man who has stripped millions of dollars of aid from countries around the world under the global gag rule because he believes he has the right to take some moral high road.

This man, who is anti-choice, anti-gay and anti-anything that doesn't fit in with his world view. This man who will deny a good proportion of the population the right to a legal, loving union in order to protect the 'sanctity of marriage'. (Which, as Margaret Cho points out, is pretty laughable in the light of Ms Spears 55 hour marriage the other week.)

This man is dangerous. And I hope to God, come November, more than 46% see that he is handing his job as President appallingly badly. That more than 46% see what much of the rest of the world sees.

Bush is not helping America. He is not upholding its status as a world power, as a fair and free nation. You simply have to look at Guantanamo BayM to see that.

He is slowly destroying America from the inside out, and it's only getting worse.

Posted by rachie at 11:12 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 19, 2004

when is a friend not a friend?

I have an appointment with the solicitor tomorrow to give my statement about what happened at Jackie's party. I'm kind of nervous because I've never had to talk to a solicitor about anything legal before. I mean, we have a family friend who is a solicitor, but that's different.

Jackie had the choice of pleading guilty because in her statement it appears she admitted swearing at the cops or pleading not guilty. She's pleading not guilty so it will go to trial. Where, we are not sure. I am behind her 100% as I believe that given the provocation from the police, any reasonable person would have sworn and been angry. Add that to the bruising she suffered at the hands of the police, I don't see why she should have to plead guilty to anything. I mean, she was the victim. Of course, I would support her anyway, whatever she wanted to do, even if she was guilty, because she is my girl, but I believe she is doing totally the right thing.

It's a shame some of her other so-called friends don't have the guts to put themselves forward to stand up for the innocent. The two girls that started all this have backed away and are not willing to make a statement and say what happened in the bathroom, which leads me to wonder exactly how much of the truth they have told *us* about what went on in there. Especially when one of them started saying she didn't want to commit perjury. So exactly what would you be lying about then?

And then there's the guy who overheard the off-duty cop call his mates in another city and tell them there was thirty people outside waiting to beat him and his girlfriend up. Of course, he doesn't want to get involved so we know this happened but can't prove it.

It really pisses me off. It's six weeks down the road and suddenly these people who were all outraged aren't willing to put themselves on the line. Especially when if it whad been the other way around I know Jackie would have gone out of her way for these people. Hell, I probably would have.

Luckily, the main people who were in the parking lot are all giving statements and are willing to stand up and say what happened. We were having a drink with one of the guys last night and he mentioned something that I had heard in passing before but hadn't realized the full extent of it.

Some woman had been passing the bottom of the parking lot and had seen what had happened. This guy had talked to her and she had told him she was a DCI in the area and she wasn't very happy with what she had just seen.

So the question is, how many female DCI's are in the area and will the solicitor be able to track her down? Could he subpeona her? I have no idea how these things work, but it's an interesting bit of information. I just hope when all our statements are put in front of the judge and he weighs them up against the bullshit statements from the police that there's enough doubt that he'll throw out the case. I mean, when the police were from another city when the local and rather large police station is 100 metres down the road, surely that has to smell a little fishy right there?

So tomorrow I've got the solicitors and then next Tuesday is the next stage - they head back to the magistrate's court. Any good vibes sent our way would be greatly appreciated. I would love for it to be dropped here and this be the end of it. I really don't want to see any of them go through anything more than they have to, they've all suffered too much stress over this as it is. so have I actually.

Posted by rachie at 03:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 16, 2004

it's spooky, possums!

I was talking to my mother the other night and she told me something kind of creepy.

It was to do with the house that we used to live in, that my parents sold when they separated. When we were there, on the odd occasion strange things would happen – noises in rooms where no-one was – the sound of the shower when no-one was in the bathroom. Those kinds of things.

The spookiest thing that happened to me was one day when my parents were away and I went to do the dishes and couldn't find the plug for the sink. I looked all over the bench and it simply wasn't there. My brother joined me in the search for the plug – we kept coming back to the sink and bench – looked on the windowsill, looked outside in case it had fallen off the windowsill, looked in the laundry room. In short, we must have spent a good ten minutes looking for that damn plug and it was no-where to be seen.

So, anyway, we're standing there in the kitchen talking about where the hell it could have gone and I turn around and right there between the taps on the bench, is the plug.

My brother and I both literally took two steps back from the sink and stared at the plug as though it was possessed. It freaked me the fuck out because I will swear till my dying day that plug wasn't there during those ten minutes.

Apparently my brother had a similar experience with a jar of jam in the fridge later on.

Now the thing with this house is that it was only built in the 1960's- by the people we bought it from, so nothing untoward had happened in the house. However, hearsay had it that the house had been built very close (only feet away) to the site of the original homestead that was built in this area of Stokes Valley. If I recall correctly, this house had been burnt to the ground a hundred years before. And, let's face it – life for settlers was very hard in the 1800's, so who knows what happened in this immediate area


Flash-forward to a few years later.

There are a couple of stories associated with the people that bought the house off my parents. Firstly that through the miracles of technology, or at least a phone receiver that was not replaced properly after a phone message was left, my mother overheard a lengthy conversation between these people and the estate agent where they discussed my parents and the state of their marriage/separation and also how they intended to change the property if they bought it – including destroying the beautiful garden that my mother had spent years on to put a big sweeping drive around in front of the house.

Secondly, in the week that we moved out of the house, before the settlement date when the property became theirs, they destroyed a trellis between the house and garage and threw bits of wood all over the garden as they moved some building materials behind the house without permission.

We weren't well pleased, as you may imagine.

Apparently neither was whatever was making the strange noises and making things disappear. Through the grapevine my mother heard the other day that things have escalated.

While we were there and strange things happened, there was never a malicious feeling to them – probably more mischievous than anything. But these people are getting the noises and the disappearing things and it sounds a little creepy. Because pictures of their children went missing and they found them in the linen closet with a knife.

And apparently they believe they have seen two ghostly children. Whether it’s inside the house or just on the property, I'm not sure.

It is creepy though. And I'm kinda glad it's them and not us now.

Posted by rachie at 11:35 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

congrats to us!

Happy birthday to my blog. You and me have come a long way, baby!

Posted by rachie at 11:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 15, 2004

new years eve picture

I think this is appropriate for my 200th post. and as a point of interest, tomorrow is a year to the day since I started this blog. my, how time flies, and how people change. especially me.

I've lost a lot and I've gained so much more.

And look at the best thing I've gained. My girl and love, happiness and contentment.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm on the left, my fabulous girl is on the right.

Isn't she the most gorgeous thing ever? :)

Posted by rachie at 03:46 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

janvier 12, 2004

the little things

little things are conspiring to bring me down from my ebullient high. like a bout of food poisoning (I'm particulary hyper-sensitive when it comes to bad food). like the car I am supposed to be selling for my mother having seized up (or at least one of the wheels). like the stomach cramps from hell. like it being my mother's birthday and not being able to hug her. we talked, but it's not the same.

I should have stayed home from work today. I should have stayed curled up in bed with the girl I love and let the big things make the little things insignificant.

Posted by rachie at 11:13 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 08, 2004

still nauseating...

my girl told me something last night that made me start. that made me so profoundly grateful that I met her. that made me believe all the more that this is part of the big plan. that she and I are special, and we are blessed to have found each other.

and I'm starting to let myself believe, after six months, that this might be it. the big one.

and that scares me to death and makes me want to dance with joy all at the same time.

something changed while we were away. something clicked into place. she thinks it was her. maybe it was both of us. we relaxed, we let ourselves be happy and we let our fear slip away. we started believing and trusting. something has happened at soul level that I've never felt before. and I'm not going to analyse it or question it. I'm just going to revel in it and love her the way she deserves to be loved. with all my heart.

Posted by rachie at 07:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

resolve

note to self:

new years resolutions must include

- less procrastinating and more actual *doing*. maybe I'll piss less people off that way.

- more organization.

- less impulsiveness.

- more budgeting and saving.

- less introspectiveness.

I *must* buy myself a diary tomorrow.

Posted by rachie at 07:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 07, 2004

doors and windows

So, I'm sitting here trying to remember any of my babbling from this morning. And I really don't know if I can. That's the problem with writing off the top of your head – once you sound off, it's gone.

No, actually, that's a good thing, I take that back. That's what this blog is for, after all. For writing down the stuff that goes nowhere else.

I guess if you read this blog, you might get a skewed view of me. You might think that all I think of is the ex, or that I'm mostly gloomy or instrospective or really fucked up… I'm not really sure what impression it gives to those who don't know me. I'm not sure I really care, either. Like I said at the beginning, this is for me.

But it doesn't represent the whole of me. It highlights some of my bad points and hopefully some of my good points. It allows me a place to say things I don't want to say out loud, or don't even need to say out loud.

It allows me to keep a record of my innermost musings, good and bad. It allows me to see where I was a year ago and how far I have come. And boy, what a difference a year makes.

You know all those people that say when you're looking for something you'll usually find it right under your nose? Well, they're wrong. At least for me, I had to travel half-way around the world to find what I was looking for.

For the longest time I've felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Not in New Zealand, which I love but is a place in which I don't think I've ever fitted. Not in America, which clearly, in hindsight was so not the place for me. But now? Now, I've found it. A place where I fit, a place which touches my soul in places that I'm not sure I knew existed, or at least were severely atrophied for a while.

And more than that, I'm happy. I'm passionately happy and extremely content. Content. Now there's a new concept. Like belonging, I've never before been content. But that's more to do with me, with my head and my heart than anything external.

When I got to England I felt utterly destroyed. I hated myself. The grief I had built up over the previous eighteen months tore me emotionally apart and I had to rebuild myself from the inside out. It was hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. For months I was laid open, bare, raw and vulnerable to the world. And I rebuilt my vision of myself. I learnt to like myself, to accept my faults, to love the whole of who I am. And then I pulled myself together, pulled a new surface together that reflected the new me. Harder, less vulnerable and much more natural. In short, I grew up. I stopped needing the validation of other people, I stopped relying on other people and started to discover my own strength. And it felt good. It feels fantastic actually.

And then I met my girl and we started slowly and for a while, I didn't let her through too much. The pain was still to close in my head, still too memorable to consciously be able to put myself forward and take that chance again. But then she slipped in behind the shields, she touched me, she loved me. She gave her heart to me. And I gave mine back. And now, it just keeps getting better. My life is a whirlwind. I've been swept off my feet and right now I feel like I'm walking on air. And yes, that's still scary. It probably always will be. I've learnt you can never count on anything. I simply take one day at a time and tentatively dream of what our future might be like. If everything works out.

It's like life is this big plan. I was watching The Sound of Music the other day (for those who know me, this won't come as a big surprise. I've lost count of the times I've watched that movie) and one line jumped out at me. It usually does jump out at me, actually.

"The Reverend Mother always says when god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

He certainly does. And sometimes he opens the door again too.

Posted by rachie at 04:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

bugger

SHIT!! I just had a big long entry typed out and I tried to save it and I LOST it. bastard movabletype.

Posted by rachie at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 04, 2004

back and better than ever

wow, three weeks of utter bliss and now I have to hit the ground and head back to work. tenerife was wonderful. my girl is even more wonderful. we had the most fabulous time and things just keep getting better and better. It's taken a long time for both of us to allow ourselves to open up enough and let go of the fear enough that we can be in a place where we can just allow ourselves to feel the emotions and revel in them.

she makes me so incredibly happy. I never expected to feel like this again so soon after the ex. actually I'm not sure I ever thought I'd feel like this again. I thought the ex was the one and I thought that was it - I was a one girl... girl. turns out I was wrong. yes, I know.... it happens. and I'm so glad I was wrong. I think I'm happier now than I have been since childhood. despite the down points in my life, and there are a number, I feel wonderful and like I could overcome anything.

expect more nauseatingly happy posts to come here. hopefully I'll have some time to contemplate my navel too...

Posted by rachie at 11:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack