novembre 25, 2003

sicko

I feel so crappy. someone shoot me now. I am struggling to fight off a cold. and failing miserably. I ache, my throat hurts and I am exhausted. And I don't believe my timing. With all the party nights coming up why do I have to get bloody sick now!?

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novembre 24, 2003

every silver lining has it's cloud

I think it's one of those sweet ironies of life that the moment you know you're really in love is the moment when it starts hurting. One of the downsides of giving your heart to someone is that with it, you also give them the power to hurt you. Whether it's intentional or not, the possibility, the likelihood now exists that you are going to get hurt along the way.

The girl and I share a birthday weekend this weekend. She's having a party on Friday night that I've been uninvited to. If I'm honest, it hurts. A lot.

Don't get me wrong, I understand all the reasons and I even happen to think they're the right ones. Her sisters don't know about us, don't know that she's in a relationship with another woman. And a birthday party is not the right time for them to find out. I don't know what the right time is, I don't even particularly care because all of her close friends know about me and that's what's important to me right now. what's also important is that she has a great time and that I don't spoil it for her in one way or another. I know this is hard for her and the last thing I want is for her to feel guilty.

It simply hurts because I won't get to see her face when she walks in the door. Won't be there to share a special night with her. That's not to say either that I think we should be joined at the hip – I don't have to go out with her every time. But this is special, and I'm going to miss it. Because of other people and their possible reactions.

And it brings back everything that happened in America and it reminds me that being gay *isn't* a bed of roses. As much as I am happy being gay, as happy as I am to be with her, it complicates things. Because what is as natural as breathing to me is seen as abnormal by closed-minded people. Because to some people, appearance is more important than real happiness.

I'm not saying that's what is happening here, it's just bringing up issues. Reminding me of feelings I had more than a year ago. And I guess if I'm brutally honest, that's not all. I've spent my life feeling like a second choice. My father seemed to choose everything else over his children, my brother got all the attention growing up, at times I lost friends that were incredibly important to me for one reason or another. And then the ex, who chose her comfort and her family over me.

I guess part of me feels once again like I am coming second. And I know logically that's not the case and it's *my* issue and I have to deal with it. And we have Thursday night, Saturday night and all of Sunday together and probably I'll be glad of a break on Friday night.

But I don't know. I guess I just feel lonely and I miss my own friends and this is the first birthday I've actually looked forward to for almost seven years and I really want to enjoy it. And maybe it's selfish of me, but that's just how I feel. I wish Helen were here. Or J or Sheena or Michelle. I miss you guys so much.

I'll get over it, I know I will. But I just love her and I want to be there with her and it's impossible. There's no compromise and I hate that. And I hate feeling like this. Especially when I have a freaking cold and start rambling for no reason whatsoever.

Blah.

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novembre 20, 2003

relaxed

So I'm sitting here after a bottle of wine and discovering I can dial out to the freephone AOL number.

The girl called me tonight. Just the sound of her voice makes it a good day. We haven't seen each other since Sunday and we are missing each other so much. It's really sweet and really fulfillng to know that even though she's only half an hour away she misses me that much.

So? I am really happy today. It's been a really good day. Make of that what you will.

ps. emails thatn eed answering? I plan to get to them early next week. love you all.

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lady of leisure

It's really only just occured to me. That I have to take all my current lot of leave before the end of december. and I have ten and a half days.

I've already decided to take the first week of december. But then I have another 5.5 to take. And we break up on the 23rd and don't have to go back until around the 2nd of Jan. so if I work back, that means that I finish work for the year at lunchtime on the 17th. And that means, in december I will work a grand total of seven and a half days.

wow, that's a lot of free time. anyone want to come and visit me? ;>


ps. I feel tired but really good today. and I love my girl very much.

Posted by rachie at 03:45 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

voices

Sometimes it takes divine intervention for an ounce of clarity.

You see, most of the time now, I don't even think about her. But the last couple of days, alone in my room, I feel like I'm being haunted. It's been a year now, a year since I left her. If you had told me two years ago that our relationship, our friendship would be utterly non-existent now, I wouldn't have believed you.

But there it is. Things change. People change. And life goes on. But the truth is, I've never been a good loser. I've never been good at change and I've never been good at letting go. So, I guess this is my lesson. Accepting. Not necessarily understanding, but accepting all the same.

And while not thinking of her, this last vestige of hurt simmers deep inside of me, like a bruise that refuses to heal. Sometimes you have to expose a wound to fresh air to allow it to heal. I haven't allowed myself to do that for a while now. I've been so busy with work, with my new life and my love that I just don't have time to dwell any more. And I don't want to dwell. I'm tired of devoting emotional energy to something that gets me nowhere.

And yet….

Sometimes you have to examine a feeling to make sense of it. And sometimes you have to ask for help. Another thing I'm not good at, unless I get desperate. Well, I'm not desperate, but tonight I asked. And I was answered.

You might think I'm nuts at this point, quite likely I probably am, but I am a strong believer in the power of prayer and I listen to the Big Guy. Because I know he's trying to tell me things and all too often I am deaf. I know I need to learn to listen more.

Tonight I prayed for the last of the hurt to fade. I don't want to be angry with her any more. I want to be happy for her. I want to be able to talk to her again. If she'll talk to me. But mostly I want my whole heart to be free to love my girl the way she deserves to be loved. I know I'm almost there. I want her to be completely confident in my love for her. And I want to be free from the hurt and fear that my breaking up with the ex engendered. I want to be able to trust and not be haunted by old ghosts. Too much baggage is never a good thing.

And the answers? That she didn’t have the strength of conviction and the courage to believe in her love for me. That she loved me, but she didn’t have the strength or courage to be honest. And that's fine. I understand that, I've been there, I've seen where she lives and the society she lives in. And that's why I had to leave her, ultimately. Even though I didn’t really know it at the time. Because I was always the stronger one. I was the one that had to free her because she was caught between loving and not wanting to hurt me and a future that was livable for her. Because a future in a gay relationship for her would have been impossible. I realize that now. It's taken me a year to get there, but I do understand it, finally.

But I also deserve far better than that. I deserve someone who will be proud of loving me. I deserve someone who will fight to be with me. I deserve someone who knows what they want and will take risks in order to live the life they want. Because I know I am no ordinary person. I have many faults but I am incredibly strong and resilient. And I don’t give up easily. I think the person I am with has to be as strong as I am, has to understand where I am coming from and has to be willing to go in the same direction as me. But also has to know when to stand up to me when it counts. I need and deserve someone who will be nothing less than completely honest with me. I need that. I've spent my whole life trying to decipher what people really mean between the words that they actually utter and I'm tired of trying to second-guess. I need straighforwardness. And I need someone to really love me for me.

Maybe I've found that already. I hope I have, but I've learnt not to count my chickens.

So does this go towards healing that last bruise? I don't know. Let me sleep on it and I'll get back to you. I know I feel a hell of a lot better than I did a couple of hours ago. I feel like I understand more now. And I feel like I accept it. Whether that beds in and sticks in my head and my heart? I think it will. I want it so badly, I want that final healing more than anything that if I can do anything to make it happen, I will.

Posted by rachie at 01:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

novembre 18, 2003

a dog's prayer

I just had to post this because every time I come across it it makes me melt and want to cry.


A dog's prayer

Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.

Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.

When it is cold and wet, please take me inside... for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements... and I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth... though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land... for you are my god... and I am your devoted worshiper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger.

And, beloved master, should the Great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest...and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.

~ Beth Norman Harris

back to your regularly scheduled thoughts soon...

Posted by rachie at 01:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

but I'm a lover, not a fighter!


Take the What's Your Song? quiz and visit Castle Diqueria.
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novembre 12, 2003

milestones

Oh, I meant to post this yesterday but couldn't because I had an all day consultancy on student progression in the new software - which was actually quite fun.

Yesterday it was a year since I arrived in England. I've been here a year - I really can't believe it. And yet I can. And what a year. Grief, agony, recovery, anger, laughter... this year has had it all. but life has definately improved. I don't feel like I'm about to get kicked in the gut every time I turn around now.

don't get me wrong, I still have a lot to sort out, a lot externally and some internally but I feel like I'm on an even keel now and I can see the future in pretty bright colours.

I think at some point I subconciously gave myself a years recovery time from what happened in America. I knew there was no point in trying to rush something that was always going to take it's own time. I love intensely and I feel intensely and the grief was intense. But in losing something precious, I discovered myself I think which is infinitely better. And life is so much fun now. it wasn't fun there.

Isn't it weird how you can think you are so compatible with a person and in hindsight you look back and all you can see are the glaring incompatibilities? Does anyone ever tell you that best friends don't necessarily make best partners? That the close proximity can bring out the worst in people and destroy what made your relationship special in the first place? I'm not sure that I've ever heard it said, but I'm saying it now. there are no givens, there are no promises that can't be broken. everything is a chance. every choice you make puts you out on a limb of uncertainty. and sometimes the bough breaks. and it can be pretty hard to recover.

but, recovered I have. when I think about how I used to obsess over the ex and try and understand what happened and why it happened and what she was thinking and what it was all about... god, it seems so exhausting now. and honestly, now it all seems so unimportant. it happened, it's over. and honestly, I really don't feel like I care that much any more. I don't wonder what she's doing, I don't fret over whether we will ever be friends again (well, mostly). I still have irrational bursts of anger when I think of certain things, but even the anger is fading with time. sometimes I don't even remember what made us such good friends. and that's both sad and a relief.

the thing I really like is now I think about jackie. i wonder what she is doing, I think about calling her or emailing her or hearing her laugh. I miss her and it's a good kind of missing and not a bad kind. I am tired of the bad feelings. I'm tired of the drama.

now I'm just enjoying the warm fuzzy feelings and sparkly christmas lights. the same lights that were up when I arrived, a complete emotional basketcase yesterday a year ago. this christmas, I am going to enjoy life to the fullest. and know I am in a good place now, surrounded by love.

Posted by rachie at 02:11 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

money woes as usual

my replacement power adapter for my laptop arrived today. wheee! I was so excited I literally jumped up and down. sad really. now watch the girl make fun of me tonight.

today is brought to you by the letter s for stressed. particularly about money - there's still over two weeks till payday and I am already running short of money. all these bills - rent, bond, car parking permit, first cable bill, car insurance... they're adding up to the point where I seriously won't be able to feed myself for the last week in the month. it's not looking good. still, at least I guess I'll be able to amuse myself with the internet and my ps2 if nothing else...

I had the sweetest email the other day from someone who reads this. it feels really good to know that people get something out of this. I just wish I had more time to spend thinking and writing in it at the moment. well, the writing mainly - but without the internet connection - it's difficult. still, hopefully with having power to the laptop now I'll be able to find some time to contemplate.

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novembre 10, 2003

beauty

we went out over the weekend. well, okay, most of the weekend was spent in bed. and it was utterly fabulous. however there is one visual moment in that 48 hours or so that sticks with me.

it's watching my girl as she stood in front of the bonfire that we went to on saturday night. It was cool out, but the bonfire was raging. The golden glow of the flames flickered across her face as she watched it. She looked so beautiful it took my breath away.

Posted by rachie at 01:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

jitters

I really hate not having an internet connection at home. god, ntl better turn up next tuesday morning or I might well go postal.

and not only that, but my power supply on mr lappy has died so I had to find one on the internet. dell won't deliver for 9 to 12 days. days people. over a week. I found one on ebay and I hope to god it will get here earlier than 9 days. I'd go and pick it up if it wasn't in dorset.

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novembre 07, 2003

fifteen short minutes...

Friday. yay.

It's been a complete change of attitude for me between monday and today. amazing how much your mood and outlook can turn around in a matter of days, hours or even minutes.

so, last night was good - I went home, cooked, had a bath and watched the season 5 opening episode of Angel on my computer. I love my computer. My girl called and I talked to her for a few minutes and then I realized I still had some fanfic stored up on my computer, so I read fanfic for a while before I went to bed.

I do miss the phone and I *really* miss my internet connection at home. Only a week and a half now until I am hooked up. I really can't wait till I can get settled down with my computer in front of my TV and surf both the web and cable. it seems you can also get tivo here, so that's on the agenda.

No great philosophical musings today. I am just happy it's the weekend, the girl is happy and there's the rugby world cup quarter-final on in the morning. tonight I get to snuggle up with my girl and the kitty and revel in being alive and in love. there can't be much that's better than that!

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novembre 06, 2003

slow burn

Last night was…. Wow. I don't know if words can adequately describe.

We skipped bonfire night and went to the local in Leeds for a few pints. That's an education in itself, let me tell you. It's a drinkers pub and those people drink. They can drink me under the table and if you know anything about how much I can hold – you'll know that's a pretty impressive, albeit scary, feat.

So, as often happens, there was lots of laughter, drunken singing and raucous laughter. It was fun. And then we got into the intenseness and the tears.

Sometimes I feel like the biggest self-involved bitch. I know I am self-involved to a certain extent, but I also know that the last thing I ever want to do is hurt Jackie. But then we can't always control the effect our actions have or the events that take us to certain places.

I met Jackie and got involved with her sooner than I should have, given what I have been through and the heartbreak I am still dealing with. But when you meet someone and you really like them and you don't want that chance of having something special slip through your fingers, what do you do? And also, how long do you wait before getting involved? How do you ever know you're ready to move on?

It hurts her to know I still have feelings for the ex. That I still hurt and I still think of her and I still write my feelings down. It's hard, because as I explain to her, this is really my only outlet to deal with those lingering feelings. To put them down in black and white is often what enables me to think them and their meanings through and then be able to put them behind me and move on. And in a lot of ways, I don't want to dissect my relationship with her, I just want to enjoy it and live in the moment in a way I never have before. Because it feels so good and so natural and we mesh so well. And over-analysing that might take away some of the magic of it. At least, that's my fear.

I have a lot of fears. Most of them I shared with her last night. The ex promised she would never hurt me. But she did. And more intensely than anyone ever has. And I don't know if I could get through that again. And so I am afraid to take the risk to feel that intensely in case the good turns to bad in the blink of an eye. Because my life in the last two years has had a horrible tendency to do that, and I am terrified of anyone meaning that much to me again in case I lose them. And also, I don't think the level of need I had for the ex was healthy in any case and I don't ever want to be that emotionally dependant on anyone again.

I swore to all my friends that I was taking this slowly and I wasn't going to get deeply involved again so soon. And it seems like I've made a liar of myself. And I hate not being in control, but you're never in control when another person's feelings are involved. It's always a fine line that you tread, a process of communication and give and take that leads you down a path that you hopefully walk together.

I think the bottom line is that we are both now in deeper than we ever anticipated when we started dating several months ago. And we need to find a way for both of us to deal with that, because we both bring a lot of baggage. And yet, I think we understand each other and we can talk and that, in my experience is pretty rare. And the feelings I have for her are rarer still. And precious. I'm not sure I can or even want to explain here. But I guess maybe it will help me make sense of them myself if I do.

My love for the ex was passionate & intense – almost like a wildfire that blazed out of control. I leapt impulsively and I fell headlong and then landed with a crash that almost killed me.

This is completely different. This is something that is growing slowly. It's sensual and passionate, but it's something that's inside of me instead of completely consuming me. It's something that's a part of me instead of taking me over totally. And I think this is the kind of love that might last the distance instead of burn out of control and obliterate and destroy everything.

I think part of it is because we haven't known each other for that long and we are still learning about each other – likes, dislikes, phobias, things that make us laugh, things that make us cry. I think part of it is because we are both withholding a little of ourselves through fear and uncertainty. I can feel it, even when I start thinking about her, before I get to the intense emotion point of the equation, I can feel myself taking a mental step backwards. And I'm not sure if that's good or bad at this point. I think this is going to be a long, slow burn that will get stronger as we become more comfortable in ourselves and with each other. And from what I have seen, I think that is the right kind of love.

We talked a lot last night and while it was scary, it was also fulfilling, reassuring and exciting. Since I have moved out, both of us have realized how much the other has become part of our life. For my part, the two nights alone in the new flat brought home to me how much I miss her when I am not with her and how, for the first time in my life, I actually don't crave alone time. I love being with her. I love spending time with her. My computer hasn't been on since Sunday. That is literally unheard of. When I'm with her, I want to be with her. That didn't even happen with the ex. I think that says something.

We really liked living together. But it was too early. But we talked about maybe after the six months is up that we might find somewhere together. That she liked that idea when I suggested it thrilled me more than I can say. And that's serious. And scary. Because I have to admit it. For the first time in public really. I have to commit to it. I love her. I'm in love with her. Unplanned, uncontrollable. But there you are. Life pretty much hits you with this stuff and then you just have to deal with it. And run with it and hope it doesn't bite you in the ass somewhere down the line.

I mean, I could take a step back and say I can't deal with it, but what would that accomplish? We'd just be miserable and lonely and the old relationship would haunt me more than ever because I'd let it ruin the new one. And I don't *want* to step back. She makes me happy, she makes me laugh and when I look at her, I feel this surge of emotion and passion and happiness well up inside me. And I know as scary as it is and as much as it might not be the right time, this is the right girl for me. She makes me happy and we fit together so well. And all I can do is try and get things right this time.

Posted by rachie at 01:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

novembre 04, 2003

cleanliness is next to godliness, right?

So last night I went home and spent like three hours cleaning the kitchen and the bathroom. it's not perfect, but it's a hell of a lot better and more habitable than it was. then I had a bath and went to bed. the flatmate got home late so I didn't see him. however, this morning I went down to the kitchen and he came in all kitted up in his suit and commented that one needed sunglasses to enter the kitchen. I laughed and said yeah, I'm a bit of a clean freak I'm afraid. He replied that that's good - the last guy that was there wasn't and he is afraid he kind of got out of the habit but that he will make an effort now. and I noticed he had cleaned up his fridge too. So that made me feel a lot better.

the girl called half-way through the cleaning and I managed to hold back the tears for the most part but I hate the moving blues and feeling panicky about my decision isn't helping that. Still, the cleaning and this morning has me feeling better and I am going over to hers tonight.

after my bath, I spent about an hour flicking through the argos catalogue, checking the things I need to buy - like a double bed and a tv. as I said to my girl last night, I'll feel a lot happier once I have a tv and my cable internet connection in and I feel connected with the world. I plan to head down to argos today and apply for a card as they have a six month interest free deal. shopping is fun, yo.

I think I'm going to be okay with this. I just have to hang in there.

Posted by rachie at 10:48 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

novembre 03, 2003

impulsivity

okay, so I moved. and I can't help freaking out a little and wondering if I made a big mistake. my bedroom is nice enough but my flatmate is a little creepy. and now I'm locked into a six month tenancy agreement and the bathroom and kitchen need a thorough cleaning.

next time I look like I'm making a decision this impulsively, please pull me aside and slap some sense into me? please? gah. and to top it all off, I've only been away from the girl for a night and I miss her like crazy. I really didn't expect to feel like this and that freaks me out a little too, that she is that important to me already that I can feel like part of me is missing when she isn't there. damn, now I have a lump in my throat.

hopefully this is just moving blues and I can quell the panic I feel rising as I ponder my incredible stupidity. yes it is cheap and it is close to work and york and I am getting myself set up with cable and a cable internet connection. and there is a lock on the bedroom door and I can clean it up and make it presentable and livable. it's just that.... I don't know - maybe I'm in a bad head space because of the moving and missing the girl.

Maybe this is a lesson that I need to stop and think and spend more time contemplating the decisions I make. And not just make them because they seem easy at the time. Because they might not pan out that way in the long run.

I'll stick it out for a couple of weeks and see how I feel. The worst that can happen is that I can't stick it out and I have to break the tenancy agreement and be broke for six months. At the best I can stop being freaked out and make it habitable and enjoy myself. Likely there will be a medium I will reach somewhere in the middle I guess.

The worst thing is when I feel like this I can't even bring myself to go shopping because I second guess myself on even buying stuff. Or maybe that's a good thing ;>

Posted by rachie at 02:40 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack