octobre 28, 2003


I've decided I will move into the flat and I'll be doing it next weekend. I told the girl and she immediately gave a little moan of sadness. Which was so sweet. Both of us know it's a good thing, but also know we'll miss each other. Which I think is also a good thing. Absence makes the heart and all that. Every day I fall in love with her a little bit more. There is so much to love in her. Her strength, her vulnerability, her honesty and straightforwardness. Her wicked sense of humour... If I started to list everything I would probably be here all day.

I just want to make sure this honeymoon period lasts as long as humanly possible. We've got a good thing going here and I want it to keep getting better.

In fact, I realized yesterday I've hardly thought about the ex at all lately. The several times I have it's been a fleeting thought in passing and nothing at all like it used to be. Almost like the wildfire that was once my feelings for her have dampened down into a dwindling spark. I don't wonder what she's doing or how she is often now. I know she's happy and that's all I need to know. I'm happy for her and I'm focussing on my happiness. And yes, my girl makes me very happy. ;>

It's weird really, reading back over this blog, how I have changed over the past few months. I don't feel raw, hurt or broken any more, I don't feel the overwhelming desire to pull my life into some sort of controlled direction. I don't need to tell myself I'm over her or wonder how to get over her any more. Nothing is as conscious and as deliberate as it was. Now it just is. Partly because I simply don't have enough time to obsess and deliberate with myself over things but also partly because I am just happy enough with where I am right now and where my life is going that I don't need to think about it all the time. It certainly makes things less exhausting.

However, once I move and have some time to myself, I will probably start thinking again, start attempting to structure my growth and my movement towards my future so that I have something to strive for. I'll have more time to spend on me and I'm looking forward to that. Along with spending time with the girl of course.... Lots of time ;>

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octobre 24, 2003


The flat. Is....I don't know. I'm in two minds. There are good points and bad points. The room is nice and big but there's only a single bed so I would have to buy a double bed and store the single somehow. There's a guy there in his 40's already who apparently spends all his time on the computer. I haven't met him and he could be a freak. There's no shower - just a hand-held thingie and the bathroom is a little worn as is the kitchen. There's not much to the living area and the lounge 'suite' looks mighty uncomfortable. And... no tv.

It's close to work though and reasonably cheap. I *could* make the room really nice. But then would I spend all my time holed up in my bedroom? I really do need to find somewhere with people that I get along with and with a living room that is livable, surely? Maybe I should keep looking rather than just take the first place that comes along. It's not like I don't have anywhere to live right now anyway.

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like a phoenix to the flame

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is really cool. I am quite fascinated by the myth of the phoenix and as a symbol, I connect to it quite strongly. I *am* a fire sign and I do think the phoenix kind of represents my passion and my propensity to build up to a crescendo at certain times and in certain situations and then take the time to rest and regenerate and build up to something new. I'm in one of those holding patterns now. In fact, I'm just about to go and have a look at a flat which could signal the beginning of a new phase. I'm excited! :>

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octobre 22, 2003

the nature of trust and fear

Gah!! I told my girl about the existence of this journal and how to get to it. It's freaking me out a little. not only the fact that she now knows, but the fact that I trust her enough to let her into my heart and soul. the last time I did that... not such a good experience.

but still, little by little, she's edged herself under my shield and set-up residence in my heart. and there's no going back now. although this journal is not me, and not a complete representation of me, it is a pretty good snapshot of what goes on inside my head and my heart at times. I just hope it doesn't put her off/freak her out/upset her in any way.

I think it's tough for both of us at the moment. With me staying at her place, I think it's messing with our heads a bit - neither of us a ready for any kind of major commitment and we are both people that need our space. I've started looking for somewhere to live and the paper tomorrow has the accomodation section, so I'll be calling up any suitable ones tomorrow night.

I just need somwhere to call my own, a space to create and think and be in by myself so I can get my head and my stuff into some kind of order. Plus, I think I drive her nuts with my messiness. ;> It's not pressing yet, but it will become so and I don't want to do anything to mess this relationship up, because I think she is incredibly special and we could have something really strong and beautiful if we head in the right direction.

I feel a little scared at the moment, a little sensitive and a little choked up. I feel like I'm on the threshhold of something, I feel a little panicky, like if I make the wrong steps in this dance, I will lose her. The fear lingers from what happened in America I suppose. And then I remember how it feels to try to hold on too tight and be too dependant and I fear that I will fall into that trap again and my fear will drive her away.

And she will be reading all this and probably wondering what the hell she's gotten herself into ;> Except that I know this is just a momentary thing. These feelings will pass and I'll be fine. And I'll move and we can just be happy dating each other and having fun and still having our own lives. Our own orbits where we collide. Frequently ;>

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octobre 15, 2003

kitty to the non-rescue!

I am feeling much better today. I had great news this morning from a close friend in NZ who is pregnant. Only newly though so she's keeping it quiet. But I am so happy for her.

the day started off not so well when Jacks woke and cursed when she looked at the time. It was 8am and neither of us had put our alarms on. The kitten had attempted to wake us up but failed and obviously decided it was the weekend. silly kitty!

It wasn't even like we'd gone to bed terribly late. I'd had a warm bath, read a chapter of The Two Towers and then headed for bed, watched the news and I think we fell asleep around 11pm. So... nine hours sleep on a school night!! :> Probably one of the reasons I feel so much better today ;>

And my boss just told me they are really pleased with my work over the past month or two and they are definately extending my contract till next August. So GO ME!!

and a good friend is supposed to be calling me tonight so hearing a familiar voice will be great ;)

Anyway, it's all good. Much better at least. Haven't thought much about things today, which is also good. Moving onwards and upwards.

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octobre 14, 2003

tired heart

Ever had one of those weeks where everything you say is wrong? Every step you make is in the wrong direction and even when you stay silent it's the wrong thing to do?

I'm having one of those weeks. I'm PMS'ing, I'm upset and I feel stressed and harried. And when I open my mouth I either feel unnecessarily agressive, or I feel like weeping.

And I really *hate* feeling like this. So if I unwittingly offend anyone, please don't take it seriously, okay?

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octobre 10, 2003

wintry days approach

I had an all day meeting that was fun yesterday. There was lots of laughter and I learnt lots. I think if I can play on this and the things I have done lately there should be no problem with getting my contract extended, and also, the stuff I am learning now should put me in really good stead with getting jobs at other tertiary institutions too.

Oh the personal front, I am still reeling a little over the ex and the fact that I found out through her journal that she has some huge personal news.

Still more upset than anything that she hasn't felt that I deserved at least an email. Still, thoughtfulness never has been her strong point. I think I just have to take it as evidence of her continuing self-involvement and no reflection on what she thinks of me. She probably thought I wouldn't want to hear. And let's be honest here - basically, I don't. If it was anyone else I would want every single detail, but hearing about how he got down on one knee and how giddy and happy she is... no, I am thankful I am spared that.

Jackie is wonderful. I went home and told her last night. She held me and asked me how I felt about it. I know she is a little insecure around the fact that I still have feelings for the ex, but she is coping and wanted me to talk to her about it. I told her the truth, that I mostly hurt because I miss her friendship. She wanted to put a face to the name so I dug out photos of the ex and I that I had in a box.

Looking at them made me smile. We had some really good times. And I guess in the end I just have to hold onto that. She was my best friend. She gave me so much, she brought so much happiness to my life, I simply have to be grateful for that, and let go of the bad stuff. Because neither of us ever meant to hurt the other, that was always the last thing on our minds. The last thing we wanted. And yet it happened. But sometimes it has to, doesn't it? So that you can recognize the good when it comes along.

Jackie and I were talking about a friend of hers that is using guilt to try and manipulate her into spending more time with her. I told her that people use guilt to control other people and in the end, the friend just has to get used to the fact that things are changing, that dynamics of friendships change. I then told her I used to do much the same thing - manipulate and control. Therapy has been a big part of learning not to do that. She was surprised by that.

We were listening to Dido and don't leave home came on. I told her that was a lot like what my relationship with the ex was like. She controlled me, suffocated me with 'caring' (read co-dependence) and I fought back, trying to gain some semblance over a life that was spiralling out of my control. In the end it became one big bunfight over who controlled what. It wasn't fun and we didn't smile or laugh.

Jackie laughed in response and said I didn't have that problem with her, she's about as laid back as you get. I grinned and told her that was true and I really appreciate that she is okay with me doing my own thing and she's fine doing her own thing. It's wonderful not to feel someone else has tabs on you 24/7. It's wonderful to have the stability of a relationship and the freedom still to be myself and do what I want, when I want.

All in all, I'm doing okay. It's a tough week, but I've gotten through much worse.

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octobre 07, 2003

because I need to think and then I need to do

I just had my hair cut. Took three hours. I love my job that I can wander off for three hours and no-one will say anything. I will, of course, make the time up, or at least some of it - I worked more than 37 hours last week so some of it was owed to me anyway.

I've started to wind down a little but, but there is still so much to do...

The weekend was a bit of a wipeout. Jacks and I spent Saturday morning in bed and then she went out for the afternoon while I pottered. That is a good thing, I must confess, that she has no problem with me doing my own thing. The ex felt like she should stay glued to my hip she was so codependant and we both ended up feeling smothered. Jackie and I know we need to give each other space and we are doing it, which is a relief. I'd hate to be back in the same place I was last year where I couldn't make a move without it being documented in one way or another.

In the evening, we dressed up and went out. Leeds was heaving with people, I guess being the start of the university calendar year probably had a great deal to do with it.

Jackie and I were both pretty tired and I think everyone else was too. We just really couldn't get into the mood. The best part of the evening was going to the Viceroy for a curry. A really good curry.

Sunday was really a case of next verse same as the first. Sunday morning in bed, Sunday afternoon, Jackie went out to the local with her friends. I really didn't feel like it so I stayed in with the kitten, watched the final of Fame Academy and played around on the lappy. Later I went down to the Queens and met up with them all and had dinner. Then we came home and watched Corrie. Which of course was a massive let-down. Big gay kiss my ass.

We watched Heartbeat and then Sparkling Cyanide - I've always loved a bit of Aggie Christie and then... well, you know ;> Eventually, despite our protestations that we were going to have an early night during the day, we fell asleep somewhere around midnight.

Last night we actually HAD our early night and fell asleep around 10pm. Which, if you know me, is very early indeed. I felt refreshed this morning but I'm still tired.

I need to find somewhere to live, but the money situation this month is tighter than usual and I am pretty stressed, especially as I need to get car insurance. :( I hate money and I hate money issues. They are the bane of my life.

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octobre 03, 2003

last droplets

I wonder if I've run out of grieving or if I've just run out of time to grieve?

I don't think about her so much any more. In fact, I hardly think about her at all. And when I see things that remind me of her? Read her life? There's a slight sad flutter in my chest and in my belly. A soft echo of the pain.

Do I regret it at all? Maybe a little. Just a shred. I regret it because I miss my friend. I miss the connection, I miss knowing what's going on in her life on a daily basis. But other than that? not so much. I am so different now, I have grown so much. I have learnt to enjoy life and not to dwell so much on the complexities and complications. I've learnt to enjoy the good in every day and know that the bad could be infinitely worse so it's just best to be grateful it's not.

I hope one day we can be friends again. she's given me so much. and when she took it away she gave me even more. I hope she's as happy as I am.

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breathe in..... breathe out....

Woah. *takes a deep breath*

As crazy as I thought the last two weeks would be....? They were much crazier. MUCH.

In the past few week I have packed up, moved house (up to a third floor apartment with 4 carloads of stuff), picked up my fixed car, trained down to the south coast, woken up at 5am, driven with mother to Heathrow, seen her off, driven back to York, come into work and done an hour or so, even though it was a day off, and finally slept, albeit hindered by the kitten...

I am beyond shattered. Mother is currently in Los Angeles, hopefully sleeping off a plane flight. I only shed a couple of tears at the airport, so am proud of myself for that. I kind of miss her already. But I am also glad to be free and have time to concentrate on the girl and on finding somewhere to live and all that guff. I actually saw a notice of a room in the window of a place on the way to work. In the street where I fancy living. At an affordable price. About two minutes from work. Fate? I wonder. It is with two boys which could be interesting. I plan on noting the numbers and calling on the way home.

The girl and I are supposed to go out with her friends this weekend. I am so tired I'm not sure how long I will last. I plan not to drink so much this time. Ha! I am behind on simply *everything* and starting to think I will never catch up. I can't believe I've been here almost a year. I can't believe how far I've come in that year.

My great aunt commented when I was down there how different Mum and I were from when we arrived. She's not wrong. I've put on a stone of weight, I'm happier, healthier and far more emotionally stable. Now I just have to get myself into some semblence of an organized state....

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