septembre 24, 2003

it's all good

I wish I had lots of time to post, alas lately, I simply don't. I'm moving on the weekend, however I have nowhere to move to. I was supposed to go and stay with my cousin but he's being pretty reticent about the whole deal, so I am not comfortable with that arrangement now. So I'm going to move my stuff to the girl's in leeds and stay with her when I come back from taking mother to the airport.

that's not to say I'm moving in with her. already made that mistake once before. I'm just staying there for a couple of weeks until I find a place in york to move into. (famous last words huh?)

it's enrollment this week and next, so I've been unpleasantly busy. but also, it's been quite good as I feel as though I have done a good job and I am being appreciated. However, it doesn't leave me much time for anything else and I am exhausted at the end of the day.

Friday night, I cooked the girl dinner. I got all romantic and bought her flowers and had the candles lit and wine poured for when she arrived. She really appreciated it - she's a soppy romantic like me ;> Every day I fall for her just a little bit more. I definately think I'm in love, and am having thoughts of the future now and not the past so much.

We are talking about trips we are going to do, holidays we are going to take. She keeps talking about 'the new zealand' trip. it's exciting and terrifying all at once.

we had a good talk last weekend about the exes and how we feel and our fears. we talked about being hurt and learning to trust again. we talked about how we can't predict the future but how all you can do in the end is try and try again. we talked. it was easy and not scary. I didn't have to dig. I didn't have to push. she comes to me with problems, she doesn't sweep them under the rug. she doesn't pretend to me or herself that they don't exist. like me, she wears her heart on her sleeve and we just understand each other.

it's all new. it's all good.

so, mum is leaving a week tomorrow. it's going to suck. it's going to be hard. I'm going to cry. then I'll go back home to my girl and start the next phase of my life. scary. exhilerating. fresh and adult.

yes, it's all good.

Posted by rachie at 01:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

septembre 22, 2003

de-cloaking

saturday night was the most interesting night. the girl took me to her local with all her straight friends. Her straight friends who she hadn't come out too. not that some of them didn't suspect anyway... we had a couple of drinks and watched the rugby league and had a few laughs - the girl's best friend ruth and I agreed that if duran duran tour in the uk next year - we're going :>

and then the girl's nephew came in. I got a little defensive as I was a little freaked out since her family don't know about me. ruth tld me to relax and that we should be proud since we are in love and happy. so next thing I know? the girl is telling her nephew that I am her girlfriend. he didn't believe her at first and insisted that if we were together we should kiss. so we ended up kissing in the middle of the pub. which y'know, is bound to cause a little drama...

so next thing I know, I hear the nephew say 'you're sick' and then he storms out. the girl was upset and so I got upset and started getting all teary. meanwhile ruth is telling the girl how proud she is of her and what a fantastic thing she has done. but the girl doesn't look so sure and I get even more upset. I know that I'm not responsible for any of it and it was her choice, but it's still hard.

so then the nephew came back and he was insisting one of the guys go outside and put up his dukes. another friend was out there and it seems he defused whatever argument there was and next thing the nephew was back inside and offering to buy us a drink.

after all this we all were more civilized, drank, talked and had a reasonable time. at some point, someone bought double sambuccas which was a big mistake. I don't remember many details after that, simply that we staggered home and fell over many times on the way. there was a point where I think neither of us thought we would actually make it home.

Then yesterday morning I woke up with the heel of my thumb about twice the size it should be - it's all bruised and swollen. But I slept off any potential hangover - It's not like I had THAT much to drink but I was pretty much fucked. I think it was the emotionality of the evening plus the fact that we'd had a late lunch and no dinner.

later, we went to her sisters. she only told me however *after* we had left, that this was the sister that is the mother of the nephew. and when we got there, the frostiness of our reception made it obvious that she had heard about the previous evening. the girl is going back over tonight so I am worried for her because she cares a lot for her family and I really hope they don't give her a hard time about this. She's been hurt badly in a previous relationship and I am sure they just want the best for her - but she is happy now, so many of her friends have told me that. I just hope her family sees it in time.

it's hard, this coming out thing. I still remember what it felt like - scary as fuck, but so liberating too. I just hope it ends up as well for her as it did for me. and I guess I can't deny that part of me is thrilled that she has done it and we don't have to hide from her friends and family. After my last relationship which was so totally the opposite to this, it feels quite mind-blowing that someone would take those kinds of chances for me. and it makes me know that I chose well. I'm in love with someone who is honest and doesn't give or take any bullshit. and that's a great thing. :)

Posted by rachie at 07:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

septembre 15, 2003

a dream is a wish your heart makes...?

I had a dream about the ex the other night. I was back in the us, near her house I guess, but she was with the new boyfriend. every time we saw each other we fought incessantly. it hurt, a lot. then I saw the new man going to her place and asked if he was going to ask her to marry him. he said yes and I wished him luck. *luck*?? what the...?

and then, she came to my hotel room in tears later that night. something had gone wrong and they had split up. I'm not sure whether she said she still loved me or if it was just she was looking for someone to comfort her. probably the latter. I'm not sure what had gone wrong. it was all very vague.

I looked at her, torn for a moment, wanting to comfort her but knowing it wasn't good for me to do it. and then I said, 'I think this is where I tell you I'm not interested'. Then I ushered her out, closed the door and went to bed.

It was odd. but good, I guess. my subconscious is working through all this I guess. and it needs to. I'm almost there, but there are lingering issues and feelings I need to deal with and then file away. I still miss her, but not the way I used to. lying in bed last night, trying to sleep, I wondered how I would see her if I would come face to face with her now? would she be the complete stranger I suspect?

sometimes I wonder if I'll find anything to love in her again, which is painful when once I loved everything about her - even the bad things. nothing like a dose of reality to make you feel like a fool, hmmm?

Posted by rachie at 11:29 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

septembre 14, 2003

holding my breath...

whew! hoping to god this works. I've had a drama and a half with these blogs. ran out of room on the server, corrupted the data base - have had to do a total reinstall. woohoo's blog is going to take some work to get back up to speed though.

here's hoping this one won't. fingers crossed for a speedy and problem-free rebuild.

will update with all the *other* drama tomorrow or monday.

Posted by rachie at 12:57 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

septembre 11, 2003

odd

Hmmmm, something tells me my provider is having some serious issues. can't access my email and this page looks pretty messed up. Time to investigate!!

Posted by rachie at 09:08 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

septembre 10, 2003

is it karma?

I'm having one of those weeks you would rather just pass by all together. Really, I'm not kidding.

It didn't start off too bad, in fact I was rather pleased that it was only while lying in bed on Monday night that it occurred to me that it was a year that day since the ex and I had initially broken up. I've made it through a year. Quite possibly the hardest, most trying year of my life. And I had though the previous year was bad enough.

I have grieved, I have hurt so badly I wanted to die, and I have grown. I have learned to *be* me and to love being me. I have made new friends and strengthened old friendships. I have lost my best friend and my lover. I have found a new lover and realized that I am my own best friend.

Today it is two years since the ex and I became a 'couple'. September 11, 2001. I know, it seems at odds with everything that day stands for. But it was that day that made me realize that I had to take chances with my life. I had to start *living* because who knows what is to come tomorrow? That day, with all it's stark terror and horror served to wake me up. It was the mental shake I needed to finally break the shackles of fear. The fear that people would see through the façade and see the real me. The me that they wouldn't like.

That was the day I stopped living for everyone else and started learning to live for myself.

And then, two days short of a year, she broke my heart when she told me she wasn't sure what she wanted. That she wasn't sure she wanted to be in this relationship anymore. It was too complicated. Us. Her. Where we were. Half a world away from my home, I was an outsider. I was completely alone. She was too rigid and I was unable to be me. A recipe for disaster. I'd started living for myself, and somewhere along the way, I'd lost it. I'd turned into a person that wasn't me. A person I didn't like.

So, halfway around the world again, and here I am. A new love. Really living for *me* now, and unafraid of people seeing the real me. Because I am who I am. And I love who I am. Life is infinitely better than it was a year ago.

But, you know, shit still happens. The universe is still throwing shit at me to see if it will stick. Maybe it's karma.

Last night I woke at 12:30 to hear noises outside my bedroom window. Noises like… my car being started… I looked out the window and lo and behold, two young guys – one in my car, the other milling around it. It took a minute or so for it to register really – they were standing out there so brazenly, mere feet away, I thought I must be seeing things.

And then I yelled at them. And they took off – over to the neighbours garden where their own car was parked. Mother was up too by the time I got out to the living room. She jumped in her car to cruise the neighbourhood (god knows what she thought she was going to do if she found them!) while I called the police. The would-be thieves had jimmied the top of the drivers door with a crowbar and broken the drivers window. They had also tampered with the ignition to start the car. It was a mess.

It took forever for the police to turn up – mainly because they ended up in a high-speed pursuit of a car that was possibly the one I saw. Hopefully it was – they crashed in a nearby village and the police were out searching the fields in the rain for them after they took off on foot.

The police turned up about 2:45am, along with a recovery truck which took away my car for scene of crime testing. I'm hoping the motherfuckers left fingerprints all over it. I hope they *hurt* today. I hope the police have found them by now.

Meanwhile, the car was supposed to go up for sale this week. So now I lose my no-claims insurance bonus and have to deal with having no car for I don't know how long. I've taken the day off work to sort out insurance and such-like and also because I had basically *no* sleep last night.

And I wish I could go back and skip this week all together.

Posted by rachie at 12:14 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

septembre 08, 2003

sing it, baby

As usual, I need sleep. I went to a party with the girl in the weekend. A small housewarming party that I can't even remember half of. I completely forgot that we had Elaine Paige on and were singing "I know him so well" at the top of our voices at about 3am. Well, I forgot it until I was reminded and now I vaguely remember. Damn that's scary shit. The not remembering, I mean. The singing rocks. I love that song. And I love that the gay boys love it too.

I think I'm falling for the girl. I think we might be talking the "L" word. I am so scared, I want to be in love again, but I am so scared of hurting like I hurt last time. But she is crazy about me and it is *so* easy to be with her. Easier than it ever was with the ex, at least when we were girlfriends. There is no competition, few differences of opinion, but no problem with stating them when we do. we talk easily, we seem to approach important things with relative ease. Not that anything is that important, yet. This is honeymoon time and it's not likely to get difficult for a while yet. I just don' want to complicate things before they get naturally complicated. Because, they always do, don't they?

What was really sweet on Saturday night, was all her friends collaring me one by one and telling me how good I am for her and how much happier she is since I've come into her life. That makes me feel really good. They all love her a lot and are really happy that she is happy. And they like me, especially because I make her happy. With the ex, the only two friends of hers who knew about us were pretty anti-me - they liked me on a one-to-one basis I guess but they had issues with the sexuality thing and also I think they felt I took her away from them. I hope since I've been gone they realize that it was *her* and not me that took her away from them.

Anyway, the girl's best girl-friend apparently gave her a hard time the other day. Something about her being different and not having so much time for her friends maybe? I told the girl it's natural she would be a little threatened, but that she'll adjust to the changes. The friend invited me to her sister's wedding next weekend that they are all going to, so obviously she doesn't have a problem with me, which is good. Unfortunately I can't go since it's my last weekend with the mother before she goes on her travels and then leaves for home. We're hopefully going down to Manchester and watching Last Night of the Proms on the big screen in Exchange Square.

So, anyway. Upshot of all this? I'm happy :) And it's a great feeling. So I think what I need to do is just let go of the fears related to the past and just enjoy the present. The future will take care of itself.

Posted by rachie at 03:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

septembre 06, 2003

because...

I have a friend that rocks my world. well, they all do, but today this one does particularly. ;)

you know who you are and you know why. thank you. and thank you for always being there to lend an ear or a helping hand when I need it. you have helped me and supported me more than you will ever know.

you rock.

all my love. me.

Posted by rachie at 01:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

septembre 05, 2003

boyband fever redux

I find this a little sad.

duran duran supporting robbie williams? wow. I guess it was a long time ago now that they were popular. I actually might take a look and see if I can find them playing somewhere at some point.

I've recently been rediscovering duran, playing all my old albums. I'd forgotten how musically good they actually are. It's quite surprising to me how well the music has aged. And it's also nice to play some music unrelated to the ex in my head. so much is linked to her, sometimes I struggle to find things that don't remind me of her.

dd don't though. they remind me of fun times with juliet, of childish crushes and much laughter. of good times, before the badness set in. some time I might start sharing my memories of my teens and early 20's. this seems as good a place as any to make a collection of my thoughts and dreams and past times.

in the meantime, go listen to some duran. and remember when they rocked the britpop world.

Posted by rachie at 01:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

septembre 04, 2003

blah blah blah workcakes

Gahhhh. No time. No friggen time!!

I actually have work to do at the moment. It's kinda cool. I've been sitting here doing data entry and then stuffing envelopes while listening to War and Peace. War and friggen' Peace, people. I feel like such an intellectual ;> Heh.

Anyway. I'm going out to the movies tonight. J is picking me up - I'm going to subject her and the mother to each other. it will be an interesting experience, to say the least! I will be reporting back in due course. Let's hope the mother is in a decent mood. I bought her a pressie, so she should be. I might add that said pressie was bought before these arrangements were maid, so it's not a suck-up pressie. Well, it wasn't intended to be, anyway.

Uhm... not going away this weekend. thank the good lord above. I'll be cleaning the house in anticipation of potential rentees viewing it. Yay. Or not. Also looking for the usb cord for the digi camera because I have displaced it and that greatly displeases me.

and now? It's time to go home. woot!

Posted by rachie at 04:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

cutting those apron strings

It's now less than a month until my mother leaves the country. It's going to be so strange when she goes. I still have mixed feelings on it. Like, I just know I'm going to feel a lot less stressed and a lot freer. Part of the reason I wanted to leave New Zealand in the first place is my mother. I love her to death and that's part of the problem. We are almost *too* close in a lot of ways and she doesn't take it well when I try and strike out and make my own choices.

I've spent a lot of time in the past few years exercising my own opinions, making my own choices and sometimes deliberately disagreeing with her, just because sometimes I need to practice at being my own person.

I think I'm pretty much there, but this is going to be the final test. To see whether I can stand on my own two feet and live the life the way *I* want to live it - not the way I think she wants me to live it.

She makes her feelings very clear and sometimes it can be hard to remember that I do not have to meet her standards. That she is not the grand arbiter of what is appropriate or correct. She has issues, she doesn't like exhibitionism, she doesn't like to be noticed at all. She has low self-esteem and she thinks what I do reflects on her. Maybe it does, by judgemental people, but why does it matter what they think? What I choose to do has nothing to do with my mother. It does not make her a bad person.

[sigh] She makes her life so complicated, she worries incessantly and she tries to control so many unimportant facets of her life, while neglecting other things that she could be working on. Sometimes I look at her and realize that's where I was headed at one point - that I would have been another version of her if it hadn't been for therapy and my will to become more than I was. because I was so unhappy back then. I craved so many things that I could never gain by being so tightly in control of everything and being so untrue to myself. I didn't even have a clue who I was five years ago, I was that out of touch with myself.

Now, I am so happy with where I am. I have my moments but mostly, life is a hell of a lot better than it used to be. I am happier and more contented with my lot. I don't try to make people like me, I don't alter my personality to fit anywhere, I don't try to be funny (well, okay, maybe I do, but hey, I have a fairly snappy wit and I like to exercise it), I'm just me. And some people don't like me and so what? Nothing, that's what. It makes no difference to me, one way or another.

Obviously it still matters to me what the people I care of think of me, but I refuse to try and be someone else to gain their approval. And sometimes I think my mother wishes I would be someone else. Well, not someone else, but I think she wishes I would be a little more subserviant, a little more refined, a little more... like her.

And sometimes I thank God I'm not like her. Well, I have her good points, her strength, her compassion, her resilience, along with so many other things. But I think I've broken the pattern she set with the co-dependence and the worrying and the resentfulness. At least, I hope I have.

So, it's going to be hard, but good. Living life on my own terms is definately what I need to be doing right now.

Posted by rachie at 01:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

septembre 01, 2003

returning thoughts

yes, I am still alive! I've been away for a few days - another jaunt down south for a great aunt's birthday. it was a nice few days but I am as tired as ever. the car broke down, *again*. this time it was the clutch cable.

anyway, it's fixed again now and we're going to sell it asap. I am moving in with my cousin at the end of the month.

I had a phonecall when I was down south. from my father. calling to check that I was okay since I hadn't emailed in forever. oops! but, he called. a little goes a long way, y'know? and he and mother even had a civil conversation. the first in over a year. maybe there is hope for me and the ex, yet.

I found myself thinking about the new girl the other night. not for the first time. and then my thoughts flicked to the ex- and I got angry again. angry about her moving on, her being so madly in love...

and I stopped and took a deep breath. and traced my thoughts back to their roots. and found something interesting.

I've been feeling guilty about moving on. about liking this new girl. because I was so angry about the ex moving on, I've been feeling guilty for feeling something for the new girl.

which, let's face it, is stupid. it's nigh on a year since we split up. which is a little different from moving on in four months like she did. I'm not saying I'm in love or planning to spend the rest of my life with J. I just like her. A lot. and that's allowed. I don't have to feel guilty about it.

I deserve to be happy and I feel like I'm going about this in the right way. I feel like I'm being mature. I'm not rushing into anything, I'm being honest with J and I'm simply enjoying myself. If something more happens in time, then that's fine. but I'm not searching for it to. I'm fine by myself and I'm fine in a relationship. I am who I am, and I like me.

apparently lots of other people like me too. and that can't be a bad thing. except when you have a gazillion emails to reply to...

Posted by rachie at 10:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack