août 26, 2003

mixed up

I couldn't sleep last night. I think I got overtired and I just tossed and turned until midnight. So I'm not much more capable of making an interesting post today. I would have thought about posting from work, but I spent half the day stuffing envelopes and sticking franked stamps on them for enrolling students.

I'm feeling a little mixed up today. I think it's mainly because I'm tired. I'm missing the ex and my head is trying to tell my heart that it's a pointless exercise. I'm not sure there's anything left to say about that that I haven't already said though.

I just wish I didn't have such a strong sense that she is on the verge of leaping into something that she won't be able to back out of. I wish I could tell her this without her writing me off as being bitter and angry.

oh *FUCK*. I just realized I was supposed to call my counsellor an hour ago. damn.

I don't know, I'm just feeling a little confused. Everything is changing so fast sometimes I don't feel like I'm keeping up.

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août 25, 2003


Just a quick one. Because I hurt like a mofo.

I spent all weekend dancing and sleeping. I seriously didn't do anything else. Well, okay, maybe I did make like a bunny too ;>

It was a wicked weekend but every single muscle in my body hurts. and I need sleep in the worst, worst way.

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août 22, 2003

bad becomes not so bad

today has been one of those days. I emailed the mother last night and made semi-peace. which is good because things seemed to be better this morning. I didn't apologize but just tried to explain my feelings and told her that I wanted to enjoy her last few weeks here. She goes away in the morning so I didn't want her to leave with us angry at each other.

anyway, I went out with jax last night and got home about 10pm. mother was on the phone to the man-friend (did I mention her date with him? she quite likes him, but not enough to decide to stay) and after turning the computer on I put my head down to wait for her to get off the phone. I woke at about 2am, the computer still on and the house silent. I closed down the laptop lid, rolled over and went back to sleep.

so, as I mentioned, this morning was better. which was good.

so I drag myself into work at 9am, check my email and realize I have one from the guy who emailed me yesterday about a buffy photo I was selling on Ebay. he wanted to know if he bought it could I get it to him by the 27th as he's going to a con. I told him if he did buy it I would send it swiftmail today. he bought it last night.

of course with the not checking of the email last night I had forgotten about it and the photo was at home. 45 minutes away. oops. plus, I had made lunch and also left it at home. damn!

so, at 12, I quietly closed my office and headed for my car. and for home. enveloped up the photo (willow and kennedy smooching for anyone who cares) burned a couple more cds of timeline and headed off to the tadcaster postoffice. I eventually got back here at 2:15. Hmmmm.

of course, the fab thing about working here? nobody seems to care what time you get here, or what time you leave. as long as you seem to work your 37 hours a week, they're all pretty laid-back about it. and also, hardly anyone is here today, being bank holiday weekend and all. so I don't think anyone much noticed or cared.

so, now, having done NO work today, I am about to nip off into town and see if I can get myself an outfit for mardi gras tomorrow.

I am so excited!

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août 20, 2003

this is shit.

I just had a fight with my mother. One of those fights we have every now and then. One of the ones where she manages to twist everything around so I end up feeling like she thinks I'm the complete screw-up, it's my fault everything goes wrong, I'm the selfish, thoughtless and controlling one.

You'd think I would have learnt by now. At thirty-one I would have learnt not to wave the red flag in front of her. Not to get pissed off and make the off-hand critical remark. The remark like the ones she makes all the time.

Sometimes, I get pissed off and sometimes I forget. And then all hell breaks lose. And I am the one who spends and hour at the end, curled up in my bedroom, sobbing my heart out, trying not to let her hear lest she accuses me of being childish or ridiculous (wouldn't be the first time, by a long shot).

It doesn’t matter how much right I do, how much I alter of my daily routine, how much I try and anticipate her needs. It's never enough. It's never exactly right. I should *tell* her when I'm not on the internet. I should be a fucking psychic and know exactly what she's thinking and how to please her. I should organize my life around her every whim, need and desire.

I am *so* fucking sick of it. Sick of being the one who is to blame for every decision she makes. Sick of being expected to have a life that revolves around her needs. Sick of it being my fault that she's spent so much money/hasn't done what she wanted to do while she was here/stayed up here while she'd rather have been down South/now going home because I don't want to live with her any more.

Yeah, that's the latest. It's now my fault she's going home because I've made it so obvious I don't want to live with her anymore. Well excuse me for not wanting to live with a mother that treats me like a child while I'm in my 30's. Excuse me for wanting to actually have a life rather than march to your tune on a daily basis. I mean, really, what the hell does she want? Me to be her shadow?

Even then she'd never be happy. I don't think she knows how to be happy. Sometimes I think she's made an artform out of being miserable. And yet *I'm* the one sobbing hopelessly, feeling like a total asshole at the end of it all? What the hell is up with that?

DAMN I am sick of this shit. It is NOT my fault, hardly any of it is my fault. It is not my fault she has unrealistic expectations. It is not my fault that she cannot stop being co-dependant and actually say what she means without bottling it all up and then attacking me when she gets frustrated and resentful. It is not my fault she cannot take responsibility for her own decisions.

She has no right to attack me. She has no right to demand me to explain myself and then not listen and attack me instead. She has no right to infer that it is *my* fault my father doesn't bother to contact me. She has no fucking *right* to tell me how to live my life.

I am a good person. I am sensitive and thoughtful and I try and take others into consideration. But I am not a doormat. I have my own life and my own needs to fulfill and I will not be a constant leaning post/punching bag because she has self-esteem issues.

She pulled one of her empty threats tonight. She told me to move out and she'd live here for the last month by herself. Well, she might well find herself called on that one while she is away next week. She may have just gone one step too far. This time, I am not apologizing. I am always the one that gives in and apologizes, even when I have nothing to apologize for.

Not this time.

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août 19, 2003


I've come up with a way to keep myself from going around the bend with boredom at work. I went and joined up with for US$20 a month, I can download 2 audio books and I can also buy more for reduced prices. then I can burn them to cd and listen to them anywhere. I'm considering getting the 62 hour unabridged version of war and peace for one of this months items. and maybe a terry pratchett discworld novel, or the life of pi.

II'm currently listening to michael crichton's timeline. it's working a treat actually. fantastic idea.

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août 18, 2003

rocking the short hair

a new haircut and some blatant camera-whoring from me and look what you get...

Posted by rachie at 11:46 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

burning the candle

okay, so I planned on making an entry on saturday, but then I slept until midday. which even for me, is quite the feat!

I've been burning the candle at both ends. *big grin* Thursday night I went over to the girl's in leeds, we ordered takeaways, watched tv and played with her new kitten. and I stayed the night. we got to sleep about 1am-ish I think.

then, saturday night, I went over to the girl's again. we drank a *lot* of beer, her friend came over to do his hair before he went out, we played with the kitten a lot more. then we went out for a walk up the road. we were supposed to be meeting other friends in a pub a couple of miles up, but we stopped in a newish pub closer to home first.

it was very, very straight and very busy. we got a half a lager each (we'd been drinking lager all evening - you should have seen the mass of bottles this morning) and we nabbed two seats on the leather couch. I grabbed her knee and we watched the patrons. It was fun.

Then a bar girl came to clear away glasses and ashtrays. the girl must have seen my gaze because once the girl had gone, she looked at me, grinned and said 'nice?'

holy FUCK yes. this girl was the hottest thing I have ever seen on two legs. she was eliza dushkesque in both looks and hotness. in fact, if you'd asked me to choose between her and eliza? not sure I could. and then she kept on coming back past us and smiling at us. I mean, with the obvious gayness we were displaying, that was just.... unnhh... unfair? she flustered me big time.

so, anyway. we got takeaways, went back to the apartment and eventually had wild, hot monkey sex. then we slept, got woken up by the kitten, woken up again by the black man with the barry white voice downstairs and his booming reggae music and then we had more wild, hot, kangaroo sex. it was all good.

mmmmm, the wonder of getting laid. you know, until I had sex with a girl, I never really understood what all the fuss about sex was all about. it was nice, yeah, but not vital. I could go without, and did, frequently. for years at a time, in fact.

and then I got together with the ex and my sexuality exploded. I discovered the wonders of great sex and trusting and letting yourself go with someone you love. I discovered, or rather, *she* discovered my g-spot and I would have orgasms that just went on and on... and on. she timed one multiple at 7.5 minutes. I think I may have died and come back to life during that one actually.

anyway, long story not quite so long... after we split, I couldn't even think about sex for a while. depression set in, I was desperately unhappy and grief pretty much coloured my life for months. I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. hell, I hardly even, um, well, you know.

but then the fog started to lift and I started to think about dating new people and the next thing you know, I miss sex like you would *not* believe. more than I ever have in my life. not just sex, but that intimate contact. lying in somebody's arms, running your fingers across their skin. wrapping your legs around theirs. kissing.

I really missed it and I am so glad to have it back again. it's not like it was with the ex but I don't know if it'll ever be like that again. I was so crazy in love with her plus it was my first gay relationship so there was the forbidden fruit aspect. but it's still better than it ever was with any man. mainly because I just love women's bodies. (especially with a little bit of flesh on). I'll never forget the first time I kissed the ex and that moment where I realized exactly what had been missing from my life until then.

my whole life, I was so scared of being gay, I pushed it to the back of my mind and lived in denial. I wasted so much time trying to be something I wasn't. now I'm completely embracing what I am. it's a pretty fantastic feeling

Posted by rachie at 11:30 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

août 15, 2003

you know what I did last night

Just a really quick one since it's late and I'm tired. spent last night at J's. It was such fun - she has a new calico kitten and we played with her for most of the evening. it's tiny!

well, we played with it, and we played with each other ;>

she has the most gorgeous flat, I love her taste in decorating, totally funky, like mine so that's a nice thing. I told her about my revelation about being an exhibitionist and she said she knows, that's why her friends like me. hee!

we're going to manchester for mardi gras next weekend and they are asking if I want a ticket to the club they are going to. that would be an uh, *hell* yeah! I think they have booked a hotel room and all so looks like we're set for a wild time!

so anyway, I stayed the night with J and then drove straigh to work from leeds this morning. oddly enough it only took about 10 minutes extra. weird!

tomorrow night I'm heading back around to J's. we'd planned to go out clubbing but we're revising that plan which is just as well as I have a sore throat even now. I think it'll be more wine, some sexy vids and a nice night in perhaps. either that or we'll go see charlie's angels.

okay, I'm heading for bed now, maybe in the morning I'll be coherant enough to make an interesting post!

Posted by rachie at 11:11 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

août 14, 2003

almost, but not quite

oh my lord, for a few moments there I thought that I was going to be let go. or fired in fact. but no - they're extending my contract for four months on a 'we'll see if we have enough work for you' basis.

I've been caught on the internet a few times lately and I really thought my number was up. but no, they're acknowledging that they're not giving me enough work, but also that I'm not being proactive enough in looking for work. fair enough I guess.

they said that in my last job, so I guess it's true. my mind tends to wander, a lot.

I have ADHD and it makes it hard to concentrate on a lot of stuff for more than short periods of time - I usually find my thoughts wandering fairly swiftly, especially when I am doing boring stuff. I try and occupy myself with music, but often the lure of the internet is too strong - I check email, blogs, ebay, updates on meta, livejournal, read fanfic...

eh, most of the time I am just wasting time, which is so stupid, because I feel guilty for not working hard for my money. plus there's the whole getting caught out factor. I need to just find a way to have willpower and not get caught up in the surfing. I mean, it's not as if I'm lazy, I just get bored really quickly and need to keep my mind stimulated.

anyway, they are looking at siccing me on a large project and finding me more work, which should be good. and then it'll all be reviewed come christmas.

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août 13, 2003

city living

Mum is still vacillating between going and staying. But she has made an important decision - whatever happens, she's resigning from work come friday. If she decides to stay - she'll go down south and stay with friends and find work down there.

This means I get/need to find somewhere new to live. Which is kinda scary but also exciting. I plan to move into the inner city - I have a cousin who offered me a bed a while ago - he lives about 5 minutes from my work. If that doesn't pan out - this is a good time to look for a place as it's summer hols and there are students who have left so hopefully some vacancies. the other thing I might do is call e and see if she's interested in looking for somewhere with me.

anyway, it's all good and exciting. if I move into town, I won't be paying so much on travel. and I'll be able to get dsl. and I won't be under mother's thumb any more. so I'm rocking on.

now I just have to come up with a way to pay my rent this month. :/

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août 12, 2003

as good as a holiday

I finally got my hair cut!! I've been trying to get to make an appointment for several weeks now. Especially with the heat, it's been unmanageable and really hot and annoying.

It feels so good. All that dead weight is gone. There was masses of dead hair on the floor which the hairdresser swept away with a broom. Into the back room and into the trash.

You know, I could swear there's a metaphor there somewhere.

Posted by rachie at 04:44 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

août 11, 2003


I had a fantastic weekend - details over on the visual blog later.

mother is in the process of changing her mind. again. she's driving me fucking nuts and I seriously don't want to be living with her for another six months. I feel bad for wanting her to go and yet a large part of me does. I feel too tied to her while I'm living with her and it's driving me crazy. I felt good for a couple of days while I thought she'd finally made up her mind. This indecisiveness is making me incredibly edgy. I just want to know. Do I have to find somewhere else to live, or what?


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août 08, 2003


I realized something last night. I am a complete and utter exhibitionist! Deep down the wild child in me has always been dying to come out and play and hell, she's playing with a vengeance now.

I went into leeds and met the new girl and her friends for drinks after work. one of the young gay boys was turning 22 so it was a birthday bash as well as meet the new lesbian girlfriend night. They were all adorable and we warmed to each other almost immediately. I had a couple of drinks and then we went dancing.

now, the only time I ever went dancing with the ex-girl was at the wedding of a dear friend. the ex-girl told me she'd never danced with *anyone* before so it was a big thing for her. and it was lovely. but it wasn't exactly the kind of place where I could dance the way I usually dance. So basically, the ex-girl has never seen me dancing. helz would be the only one who has seen me dance. damn, she's the one that brought out my inner wild-child to begin with!

But when I dance, I don't care who's looking. I dirty dance. I dance like sex. I work out on the dance floor and I look good. I overheard the birthday boy tell the girl I dance like a gay man. yeah, that's quite a compliment. we had a hell of a time and they were all asking when I was coming out with them next. the answer to that is as soon as humanly possible.

eventually the girl and I wandered back to the car with our arms around each other. I love the looks and the comments. I love it that I can shock people. I fucking *love* being noticed and being different.

The thing is, I spent my life as I grew up trying to hide in the shadows. Afraid of being judged, I tried to blend in, tried to avoid being the centre of attention. The periphery is a safe place to be, don't you think? Of course, physically I'm attractive and tall, so I tend to stand out from that perspective but in every other way, I'd try and remain unnoticed. I think if people actually saw me the way I saw myself, they'd actually notice how boring I was. They'd realize there was nothing much there worth noticing at all. Honestly, I always was so shocked when people wanted to be my friend. When people would jostle for my attention. I mean, why? There was nothing about me at all, right?

I guess I've realized how wrong I was, how much I have to offer the people that care about me and how interesting I am if only I just let myself go. If I just relinquish control and allow myself to make mistakes and risk making a fool of myself, people really like me. I can be funny and sexy and fascinating and mysterious and... I'm a multi-faceted person. I have layers upon layers. It might take you a lifetime to get to know me. It might take me a lifetime to get to know me. But what there is, the good and the bad, is so worth knowing.

So, now I am working on not caring what others think of me. Working on maintaining my own personal integrity and keeping my connection with my 'self'. working on liking and loving who I am and what I have to offer. and it's not hard to see that people really like the me I am now. like me, warts and all. flaunting exhibitionist and all.

And of course all these thoughts bring me to something that should have smacked me in the face months ago. I didn't realize I was an exhibitionist. The ex-girl probably didn't realize it and certainly she is not at all. She is very controlled and protective of herself in public. that's a really huge and vital difference and no wonder there was so much unspoken tension between us when I was there. No wonder our needs were so different, it's just a really different outlook on life and one for which there was probably never any compromise.

In a way, that makes a lot of sense and helps me in reconciling what has happened between us. I think the not talking is definately helping though since it's allowing me this space to just not think about her and where our 'friendship' is headed.

and the new girl, being a saggitarius is of course very much like me and she is all for the smooching and holding each other in public and that feels fantastic. there's no tension, no conflict there (at the moment) and it's so different and so empowering.

yep, things are starting to get really good!

Posted by rachie at 03:35 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

août 07, 2003

just, wow

Mmmmm. Last night? Best. Date. Ever.

I really like this girl, I love that she is sensitive and yet gutsy. I love that she listens to me. I love that she's independant. I love that she sat by the river and kissed me.

She brought a bottle of white zinfandel and glasses to our date and we found a spot by the river and drank the whole bottle in the afternoon sun. Then we walked further down the river. Halfway down, she put her arm around me and we walked with our arms around each other. In public. It made me feel so great. While we'd drunken our bottle of wine, I had talked about how important it was to me to be able to be open and affectionate in public and how I hadn't felt that boundary was at all respected in my last relationship. She had listened and understood what I was saying. That makes me feel really valued and happy.

So, we sat on a bench by the river with our arms around each other and after a while, we kissed. I kept on hearing people go past and thinking, wow, how surreal is this? It kind of annoyed me that the ex popped into my head and I was sad that I couldn't have done that with her. But the point is, she never respected my needs or my feelings enough to take those risks with me. She was all about her own need to be safe.

This girl does, she wants to spend time with me and she's happy to just let me be me. She also told me that after she'd split with her ex she had tried to build up a big wall and be all tough and hard to the rest of the world and that she'd had, until now, until me when it's all come crumbling down.

Thats. so. fucking. sweet.

Posted by rachie at 04:20 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

alone at last

I went out last night and had the most amazing time. More about that later. When I got home, I did my yoga again for the third time in three consecutive nights and then managed 10 minutes of meditation. It was something else! I was so relaxed at the end I could barely move, and I got this amazing feeling, like a high that I've never felt before. Fantastic!

There's something about the hours between ten and midnight that I love. Like that time is mine completely, the only time I get to be with myself and just do what I want to do. I need to make more use of that doing things for me.

My mother told me this morning that she's decided to go back to New Zealand in October. I have really mixed emotions on this.

As much as I love her and will miss her, I really need her to go. I really need to stand on my own two feet and live my own life and just be free to live for myself without having to be there for her. I love her so much and I really want her to be happy but I'm not sure that she ever will. And she depends on me far too much for support. I have a hard time looking after myself, I can't mother her too and sometimes I feel like I am a surrogate mother or partner to her which is really messed up.

I just need freedom. Room to breathe. And living with her is stifling, no matter how much I try and exert my independence, in the end it always comes back to the same thing. Her inflexibility and need for control.

She saw the book I was reading the other day and asked me what it was about. I told her it was about the shadow, the darkness in ourselves and learning to embrace it. I got this really violent reply along the lines of 'why on earth would you want to do that?'. I replied calmly that it was about being able to understand and control the dark side. Her answer? 'Oh, so you can be even more controlling than you already are?'. Mmmm, nice projection there mother. I shrugged and went back to reading the book.

She's not open to any of this. She went a little way in therapy but she's focused on the day to day survival and not the deeper spiritual issues. She's pretty fundamentally Christian, so anything that's not in the bible and is even vaguely new age freaks her out on a basic level. I've learnt not to go there with her, it's simply not worth the arguments. Like the whole gay thing, she has her viewpoint and I have mine and that's where it stays. Unspoken.

So, I love her, but I'm glad she's going home. Not least so she can stop complaining about how expensive it is here. Also, she can look after my cat! (Not that I'm selfish or anything. HA!)

I don't know wether it's the right thing for her or not - only she can know that. But I feel on a soul and growth level it's the right thing for me. This is the right point in my life to really cut those apron strings and have a relationship with her that's on an appropriate level.

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août 06, 2003

dancing in the shadows

The book I’m reading at the moment is really interesting. It’s Romancing the Shadow: How to Access the Power in Our Dark Side by Connie Zweig, Steve Wolf .

It's grounded in Jungian psychology and is based on ‘shadow-work’. The authors talk about the shadow-characters that inhabit our psyche. When we are young, through our parents, out teachers and other social conditioning, we learn that certain behaviours/thoughts are not okay. As such, we learn to push these thoughts/feelings/behaviours into the shadows. through this we develop shadow characters that protect us in certain situations. (they use the metaphor of king arthur and the knights around the round table, the 'self' being arthur and the shadow characters being the knights.) each character often represents an archetype such as a greek god or goddess and it serves us in a particular way. The shadow characters often start off trying to protect the self but ends up sabotaging with inappropriate actions and behaviours. This is especially true when we are very out of touch with our feelings and our authentic selves. The shadow character takes over and controls the action. When the shadow character takes over the seat at the table, that's when we react and do and say things that are not authentic to the self.

This is all stuff I have learned/known previously, well, most of it is, but the concepts/metaphors here are making it much easier for me to understand how and why I fall into certain patterns of behaviour. It's particularly interesting when they talk about the family shadows and the lack of family soul that leads to sublimation of the authentic 'self'. In terms of the family, the dynamic often leads to suppressing ‘inappropriate’ feelings/behaviour and so lead to a family façade, one that appears to live life from day to day when in fact there is no authentic connection between the family.

It’s also interesting to read in terms of the parental patterns and whether one is a mother's daughter or a father's daughter - etc. it determines a lot of behaviours. Particularly in the sense of what you seek out in a partner (often the partner will hold a lot of the qualities in your own shadow). Personally, I believe having an extra strong/controlling mother and emotionally distant father is one of the key factors in the development of my sexuality. This book, although it doesn't particularly delve into sexuality pretty much bears out my thoughts.

The current part I am reading is about shadow dancing in a romance becoming a relationship and about the development of a ‘third body’ as partners share their authentic selves and become a unit, so to speak. They talk about a romance in terms of the couple being in an eggshell and as one or both of the couples feels comfortable enough to be more authentic, the eggshell cracks, leading to a crisis of commitment. If the couple recognizes this for what it is and is able to work through it, they will then develop something deeper and more sustaining. I am starting to wonder if that’s what happened with the girl and I. Did our eggshell crack? Having never been in a serious relationship before, either of us, did we not recognize it for what it was? Interesting questions and things to ponder on. It's definately helping me look at things from a different perspective, which is always good. I’ll probably share a few passages from the book over the next few days as I work my way through it.

Anyway, needless to say, I'm finding it fascinating and really helpful. Of course, I also find it sad when I think how society is so fucked up and none of us feel that we can be who we really are with those that should really matter. Why is it easier to speak the truth and be the fantastic, caring people we are in anonymity than it is in every day life? why do we feel the need to wear the masks of our shadow characters in order to provide protection for the self? it's fucked up, yo.

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août 05, 2003


my horoscope for today -

You are at a point of emotional climax right now, RACHIE. Things are coming to a critical point in which situations seem to first escalate and then suddenly collapse. Little issues in your relationships that you have failed to deal with openly are coming back to haunt you. It could be that someone is trying to cross you at this time, or maybe it just feels this way. Don't get overly paranoid. The whole world is not out to get you.

sometimes these things really freak me out.

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août 01, 2003

something old, something new

I feel much better today. I had dinner last night with the new girl and she helps me relax and smile and put a new perspective on things. I told her that I think maybe part of this past few days was getting some closure in my head. venting some of that unexpressed pain. giving up the hope and pretence that everything will be okay. I have lost something very special, but I've also gained so much. a greater understanding of myself. an inner peace. a knowledge that I can survive through the worst of times. possibly a more measured view of reality and a vital hesitation in throwing myself body and soul into new things.

there's been radio silence since my last email. I'm not sure what that means. I can't imagine her not having to have the last word. but maybe she'll surprise me. wouldn't be the first time.

whatever, it's a good thing for me. allows me to step back and take a breath. allows me to think of the new girl and not of the past. the new girl, she makes me laugh. she's shy and yet funny and outgoing. she's been hurt too and so she understands my fear and my need to take things slowly. and oddly enough, she's a saggitarius too - her birthday is the day before mine and the same day as woohoo's. I think that's kind of cool. I've never dated a fellow sag before but I usually get on really well with them.

so I guess that's where things stand right now. out with the old and in with the new. trying, step by step to leave the feelings behind, to leave the wondering and the trying and the hurting in the past. accepting that I can't make things the way I want them and so it's better just to move away from them all together. realizing that I have to put those memories away in a box in a dark corner of my mind so that I might pull them out and dust them off one day when I am a little more able to deal with them rationally.

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