juillet 31, 2003

right.

I feel shattered. I slept well last night, but all the emotional tension of the past few days has come to a head. things have escalated, I guess that's mostly my fault, but I'm tired of everything being so damn reasonable.

I just want someone to hold me and let me cry myself dry.

A guy at work chatted me up on the way down to pick up my car yesterday. it freaked me out. what is it with everyone fancying me all of a sudden??

sometimes it all seems too much like hard work. sometimes I just want to go home and crawl into my bed with my cat and just forget the world exists. but, no home any more. this is reality - no more running. nowhere to hide.

I've been reacting, I know that. I don't like it but the emotions are honest. I still mean what I say. the anger isn't between the lines - it's in every black and white word I say. it's my way of working through it.

it doesn't work for everyone. it makes people uncomfortable. she doesn't like it, but then, I don't write this for her to read it. I write it to say the things I feel. this is mine. don't like it? don't like me? don't read it. simple really.

and if I'm being vague now? I'm tired. I'm sick of fighting. I'm just going to let it be. I'm not reading her and if she respects my wishes, she won't be reading me. and maybe the less I see of her, the less I think about her, the less I'll care. maybe the less I'll love her. after all, I don't like her very much right now, and I'll just bet she doesn't like me. so, all for the best, right?

right.

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juillet 30, 2003

truth

Here is time, space, truth and straight lines. curves distract from clarity. curves thrown by people who would obscure actuality.

But there is no displacing reality, no running from everything forever. Sooner or later, the truth will touch on your heels and it will trip you up. it will hit you square in the back and the more you try and avoid and ignore it, the more it will catch you unawares. the more it will floor you.

and so, you stop running. you lick your wounds. and you watch the others as they continue running, desperately, unknowingly trying to dodge that silver bullet that will bring the shields crashing down.

No-one can run forever. sooner or later, your eyes widen, and the truth deals you a smackdown. and then all you can do is flounder and try and catch your breath and wonder how it was that you thought you could outrun it for so long...

Posted by rachie at 10:38 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

hard times

wow, something has gone my way for a change. the garage called earlier - they took the starter motor out of the little car, cleaned it, but it back and now it seems to be working fine. and it's only going to cost me £30. So *whew*!


I'm still confused though, still pissed off and still cramping. sometimes it's probably better not to say anything at all. but I've spent half my life avoiding saying what I think for fear of upsetting people. I've been the good daughter, the good friend, I've tried to be the good girlfriend/lover. and where has it gotten me? no-fucking-where.

of course, I am aware there are two sides to every story, two sets of feelings, two perspectives. but dammit, it's hard to sit on the fence and see both sides when most of the time the other side won't even talk to you about anything. at all. plus, it's hard to be objective when you wear scars all over your heart.

whatever. another link severed, another tie unbound. maybe it's best this way. maybe it'll just be something less I 'owe' her. because I'm sick of feeling like she thinks all I did was take and give nothing in return.

I offered my body, heart and my soul. I guess that wasn't enough.

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juillet 29, 2003

fuck fuck fuck

Life is really seriously confusing. Feelings are confusing. one moment you are hurting and trying to get over your ex, the next you are playing the field, getting laid and generally having a marvellous time, the next, you find yourself with feelings for someone new completely unexpectedly and yet you are still hurting and trying to get over the old love. and you still want to play the field and get laid but this new person could be someone really special, you just let it happen. but you're scared as shit because it hurt so much last time you almost didn't survive it and you don't know if you could do that again. not so soon. and you don't know what the hell to do.

I am trying to work out what I want. and it's hard. and in the midst of all this, there's another fight with the ex and I'm pissed as hell, in part that she's gotten over me and wondering how the hell it is she moved on so fucking easily fucking months ago, when here I am nine months after we split all conflicted because I am still trying to heal and just learning how to be okay by myself.

something I realized today was that I am afraid of not having room to breath. I'm afraid of being suffocated again. because that's what it felt like in America, like the real me was suffocated under all the shit that was imposed. all the behaviour that was prescribed. all the fucking lies.

I am afraid that the same thing will happen again. she'll think she wants to be gay, that she can do it and then I'll make the commitment, do the running, change my life, try and fit in and then, kaboom, she'll change her mind and decide she's not gay after all. that it's too hard. that it doesn't fit in with her lifestyle and her family.

fuck that. I am not going through that fucking shit again. if I'm going to get involved with someone, they had better be damn sure what they want. And what they want had better be me, not just some walk on the wild side that happens to involve me before they settle down to normality.

oh, did I mention it's that time of the month and I'm feelin' it? no? well, consider yourself warned, there could well be some more rants coming.

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juillet 28, 2003

stooff

I've left my keys with the local garage. they are going to pick up my car hopefully this afternoon and have a look at it. yay? I am freaked out about how much it might cost. I took the train to work this morning - not only did it cost me £3.00, it was also 25 minutes late. Yes, I see why everyone complains about public transport here...

if anyone has heard from her in the past week, could you let me know? I am getting a little concerned at her lengthening absence. or alternatively, if you read this, biotch, just email me, 'kay!?

I am tired. and cold. I couldn't sleep last night, even though I was tired. I think it was pms, since I got the m early this morning. so far, touch wood, it's not like last month.

I am making a concerted effort not to be so introspective lately. I have spent my whole life being far too serious and I want to just enjoy life rather than fretting about it all the time. I swear, I make my life far too difficult by half. plus, I am thinking about jax, who I am quite taken with, which stops me thining about other things, which helps. I feel more relaxed than I did a couple of weeks ago. which is perhaps not that surprising. I do feel a little surprised though. I thought that getting involved with other girls might freak me out - bring back old memories and such-like. after all, the first time I kissed another girl it freaked me out.

but now? I feel as though some invisible cord tethering me to my old love has been severed. I feel free at last and finally really single. and I have definately confirmed that I'm gay. without a doubt. and I couldn't be happier about it. I feel as though I have finally found that thing I've been searching for all my life. feel as though I have slipped into the niche the world made for me before time began. I feel as though I belong *somewhere*. and I think that somewhere is in my own skin. it's so strange that a person can deny something so fundamental about themselves for so long. now, when I look back to the person I was... I wonder who she was and why she tried so hard for so long to be something else. and I watch other people around me doing the same and I just wonder. what is it about us as human beings, our need for safety, order and belonging that can make us so unhappy as we are searching so desperately for happiness? (you can insert a rant about religion here if you like - in fact, there's most likely one coming, and soon).

right. enough of the introspection. I need to send some emails.

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juillet 26, 2003

downs and ups

I had a day yesterday. A hell of a day. My car broke down. It was pouring with rain, I was sitting in the parking lot at work and turned the key and... nothing. lights, radio, but no action. It's been having trouble with the starting for a while, but uh... now it's dead. And I don't belong to the aa or the rac. fuck.

so, thank god for cell phones. mother is away for the weekend so I called her cousins and asked if they knew how much it would cost to call the rac out. george came out to get me instead. he thinks it's the solonoid although it could be the starter motor. let's hope it's the former and not the latter. the latter sounds very expensive. fantastic.

so it's sitting at work all dead and george brought me home. yay for george. I was supposed to be getting shopping to make dinner because jax was coming over. so I tidied instead and texted her, letting her know what had happened.

she turned up at 7:30. I had forgotten how damn sexy that woman is. mmmm. she took me out and we got food. coming back here, we turned the tv on and taped the finale of big brother for mother and I attempted to cook chicken curry in the ad breaks. after I burnt the onion to a cinder, I gave up and finished cooking it once the first lot of bb was over. Curry went down well, washed down by a good chardonnay and then a couple of heinekens. we watched cameron win bb and then turned off the tv and put melissa etheridge on the cd player. I opened the bottle of red wine and then... uh... got distracted. and then somewhere along the way, my glass of red wine ended up all over the carpet. thank god the carpet is deep pink is all I can say.

at least it was for a better reason than the last time I spilt red wine all over a carpet. hmmm?

jax... what can I say? I think it's possible I may have turned another once straight girl gay. maybe this one will stick ;> I fancy her like mad and the feeling is mutual. I'm not ready for an exclusive relationship yet, but when I am, she could well be the one. I want to tell her to go out, explore her sexuality for a while and then come back and be with me. well, as long as we can still hook up in the meantime!

I don't know, we'll see. in the meantime it's making me feel good and sexy and desired. which is all very nice.

so in summary? bad day, fantastic night.

but god I am tired right now.

Posted by rachie at 01:10 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

juillet 25, 2003

pink

well, here you go - it's done. like i said, I'm not entirely sure how long it will last. we'll see. I only found the graphic at the last minute, but I think it's hella cute. all lippy lesbo, just like me!

as always, there may be wee bits and pieces to finish off, but it's done for the most part. (having just said that, the comment and trackback templates are not picking up the css for some reason. it will be fixed asap, just not tonight as I am knackered and should have been in bed two or so hours ago.)

hope you all like, please let me know if you encounter any problems - either email or in the comments is fine!

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juillet 24, 2003

Yes!!!

Halle-freaking-lujah!

I think I exorcised some old ghosts last night. It was more than welcome.

Today I am freaking tired as all get-out but I'm feeling mighty good.

;>

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juillet 23, 2003

good news bad news

linda is a big buffy fan. she's also has a big gillian anderson crush.

hmmmmm...

Posted by rachie at 04:40 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

drabble

I've recently discovered the ultimate fan-fic form. drabble.

100 word pieces of non-wordy perfection. so I tried my first one today. and it's my first ever Buffy effort at fanfic. this could prove to be addictive.

the witching hour

Skin. Silk. Wet. Teeth. Blood. Need.

She can’t sleep. She’s hot and she can’t stop thinking. About The Slayer. About what it would be like to touch her sweat-slicked skin. To taste. To sink inside. To own her. She slips away from Kennedy’s side and goes to the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face. Smoothing damp strands of red hair behind her ears.

She exits the bathroom and pauses by the bedroom door. All that separates them. She pushes it open.

Faith is the first to hear the gasp and looks up. “Hey Red.”

Willow can only whisper. “Buffy?”

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juillet 21, 2003

newness

I'm getting there with the new blog design. I think I'm on the home stretch. maybe... I don't know how long this one will last - it'll either be something I fall in love with, or I'll hate it in two weeks time. you see, it's kinda... pink. yeah, there's a pink theme. so it may not last long. we shall see.

anyway, I have lots to say and as usual I'm too busy doing lots of other things to say it. hecks, I haven't forgotten I owe you an email you sexy fool, I will get onto it - hopefully tomorrow. i owe lots of people lots of email, but you see, email begets replies and thus more email to answer. it grows like topsy and I can never get to the end of the list before I have to start again. which is absolutely no excuse, but there you have it.

my somerset crushee is bombarding me with texts and emails. it's flattering as all get-out and she is really cute and we're both coming from the same direction. In that we've both been burnt and aren't ready to jump back into the flames. it's time to let some hair down and party and have fun. I kinda feel like I'm only in myt early 20's right now, because this is the first time I have ever been able to be completely free in my life. I have nothing restraining me (aside from my mother's issues, which I am fortunately ignoring) and I feel like the world has opened up before me.

with any luck, I should have a weekend free of maternal presence and jax will hopefully come over from leeds on friday night to watch the final of big brother. and then on saturday my young southern girl may well come up and visit.

let's just say I'm looking forward to the weekend, in spades....

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heel, toto

there are times where the past two years just seem like one long, never-ending bad-dream. like I'll wake up tomorrow in my bed back in New Zealand, she and I will be best friends again, my parents will be together and in their house and everything will be the way it used to be.

sometimes I long for that, even as far as I have come, some days I would give anything to be able to turn back the clock. pete would still be alive, I would still be trying to like boys and... well, you know the rest of it by now. what's the use in writing it out again, right?

I'm having one of those moments. sometimes I wonder what the hell happened to me. What whirlwind uprooted my life and turned it upside down?

I'm not in kansas anymore but I'm not waking up either. this is life, this is my life now. and mostly, it's great. it's challenging, scary, tiring, exciting, rewarding and painful. but it's also very, very strange.

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juillet 18, 2003

me myself and I

In reference to the post I made the other day about what I want in a partner, I thought it was only fair to add this . it's some of the things that make me me. Some of my values and my attributes. some of my flaws and problems. but it's me.

I started this when I was in america, when I was splitting with her and going through a huge identity crisis. when I was there I lost so much about who I was and I have had to fight long and hard to rediscover myself. these are some of the things I have found.

I'm...

kind; loyal; sarcastic; bitchy; honest; gay; liberal; pro-choice; a writer; a craft nut; a complete animal lover; loving; selfish; mostly a good friend; sometimes controlling; easygoing; fit; ace at cards; obsessive; intelligent; a tv fan; an avid reader; a thinker; emotional; intense; passionate; a good singer; a lover of music; average at communication but working on it; prone to depression; trying to get over her; a flirt; a lover of the outdoors, sunshine & warmth, the sea; wanting to write for a living; aware of and cherishing the importance of family and good friends; scared of failing or succeeding and so a procrastinator; a fast but decent driver; possessed of a tattoo and a peircing; wanting to be happy; an idealist; or I can *be* wild and uninhibited from time to time; no longer afraid of being wild and uninhibited; no longer afraid of much at all; still dealing with recurrent fears which freak me out from time to time; impulsive; guilty of spending too much money; a computer nerd; artistic; clever; witty; attractive; able to make people laugh; gifted with a wicked sense of humour and a great laugh; daring; free; often happy; eminently employable; full of regrets; trying not to have regrets; able to make friends easily; likable; fun; a lush; someone who has made lots of mistakes but knows that was part of the big plan; lucky to have a deep faith and relationship with God; always learning and growing; aware that I really know very little; a recovering co-dependant; curious; a quick learner - sometimes; honest when I know what it is I need to be honest about; a hopeless liar; transparent; getting better at working myself out; a person that loves, and hurts, very deeply; still missing her a lot, but missing all my friends equally; making progress; still crap at the boundary thing; sensitive - at times overly so; paranoid too at times; strong, most of the time, but still need support; in therapy; growing in self-confidence; able to stand up to people and say what I think; full of opinions; independent; respects other peoples needs, viewpoints and feelings; outgoing; moody; inconsistant; charsimatic; competitive; trustworthy; loving; openly affectionate; not looking for society's approval, in fact, I love to shock; posessing of a somewhat conservative appearance that belies my growing inner gypsy/rebel; suspecting I may get involved in some kind of gay politics in the future; eager to go back to school and learn again; embracing my inner darkness and learning to like it as much as the light; generally an optimist; still healing; pretty much sure who I am these days and really liking me; glad it's friday and looking forward to some me time this weekend...

bottom line? I'm myself and I'm more than happy with the me I've grown into. I feel appreciated and loved despite my faults and every day i am meeting more people who like what they see. and I don't think I wear a mask any more. I am not afraid of letting the world see who I am, because I'm no longer trying to be perfect. that's the most freeing thing of all, acknowledging that I make mistakes, I fuck up and I hurt people unintentionally. I just don't agonize over any of it any more.

I still hurt, my wounds were received over a lifetime - you can't fix everything in one day, or even three years. And the recent wounds, on top of old... it's taking a while. sometimes I backslide, but I'm actively trying to work out how to let it all go. To be my own comfort and my own strength.

sometimes it rains, my world clouds over and I become obsessive again. the pain takes over again and I sink into a cycle of doubt, pain and anger. and then, unexpectedly, an email, a word, a hug from someone brings the sun out again and I take another two steps forward.

that's what life is about I guess. it's what my journey is about anyway.

I'm doing okay.

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juillet 16, 2003

verbal currency

*sigh*. sometimes I am really weak. sometimes I wonder why the hell I expect anyone else to respect my boundaries when I can't even respect them myself. and sometimes I play games without even realizing it and I hate that too. and I hate that sometimes even when I have the best of intentions I manage to screw things up.

but I will say this. I am always sincere. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. even if I don't often say it very well. sometimes I am immature and inconsistant, sometimes I am flaky. but if I say I care about you, if I say the last thing I want to do is hurt you, it's true.

sometimes I will hurt you though, without meaning it. sometimes I will be self-absorbed and paranoid. sometimes I will make misconstrued assumptions. sometimes, actually a lot of the time, I will act on impulse. I will react. it's a negative trait and one I am working on.

my emotions are intense. my passions immense. I feel my way through life and relationships and often I leap before I look. but that's me. you take me as you find me. it's what makes me me and unique in this world.

Posted by rachie at 11:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

values

a couple of weeks ago, my counsellor told me to write down all the things I want in a partner. all the values that I would like them to have. the person I would like them to be.

this is what i came up with this afternoon while sitting out in the sun.

honest. open. no fear of being themselves with me, or anyone else. liberal. empathetic. strong, in personality and in standing up for themselves. independance. have been through hard times and have had to work for what they have. not work obsessed though. loves to laugh. can laugh at themselves. doesn't need to fit in with society. respects me and my needs. is not obsessive. is sure of their needs and what they want out of life and a relationship. and is able to communicate that. is family oriented but not dependent on family. is good at communication, full stop. unafraid of the world. couragous. curious about the world. willing to try new things. thoughtful. not too self-absorbed. patient. impulsive. not overly sensitive. self-confident. outgoing. loyal. able to commit. capable of fidelity. trustworthy and able to trust. not controlling. able to cope with my moodiness and inconsistancy. able to accept me for who I am. not co-dependant. energetic. has an active inner child. encouraging of me, and not competitive with me. optimistic - sees the world and those in it as essentially a good place. christian but without hang-ups and bigotry. willing to move and grow with me. realistic and yet idealistic.

I think that says more about me than anything. I also think that I am not all of those things, but would like to be. and am trying.

I don't know if I'll ever find this person. I hope I do. I also hope I'm not reaching too high. I just know there has to be more out there.

Posted by rachie at 04:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

done

and without so much as a whisper....

why did I expect more?

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juillet 13, 2003

all gay, all the time

Going out this weekend was definitely the right thing to do. I'm hung-over as all hell today but I had a whale of a time. I went to Manchester to spend some time with Jill, one of my new friends. We went and had lunch in Didsbury and then went and had a drink with her parents as they picked up the wedding presents from her sister's wedding the day before. After that we went over to the sister's place. By this point I'd had a couple of pints of lager and a half-pint and I was offered a glass of bubbly. Well, why not?

We headed back to Jill's to get ready for our night out and then we took the train in. The station is close to Canal Street which is the gay quarter of Manchester. And boy, what a gay quarter it is! Holy heck, it was like a street party. The weather here lately has been divine – in fact it was 32 degrees C when I left Manchester this afternoon, so the world and his boyfriend were out partying. If anyone has seen Queer as Folk – the UK version? Right there. I was there and damn it was cool.

So anyway, we went to Vanilla, which is a lesbian bar. Dudes, a bar. For lesbians. So. Damn. Cool. We had a beer and it was still pretty quiet, and warm, so we poured our drinks into plastic cups and went and stood out on the street and watched the dykes and the queer boys. There were people *everywhere*. Apparently Mardi Gras takes place there in a few weeks – if it was humming last night, it’ll be nothing compared to what it will be like come Mardi Gras. Wow. Did I mention Cool?

So anyway, we wander over to Via Fossa which is all done out like a huge wild west saloon. Fucking. Cool. And we have a vodka and I am itching to have a boogie. Jill is a lot more reserved than me and she's not into the idea of dancing. Killjoy. But really, she had just been to a wedding the day before and I think she was trying to recover.

So we decide to go somewhere else. It escapes me where we were going to go now. Because we end up back at Vanilla with another beer, watching the lesbians dancing and flirting. A blonde girl comes up to me and says her friend likes me and asks if I'm with Jill. Not quite knowing what to say, I say yes. Because I freak out easily and because I am not quite sure if I am with Jill or just with Jill. If you know what I mean.

The girl disappears and Jill asks me what she wanted. I tell her and she kids me saying I could be in there – and also that she has been coming here for years and has never been hit on. Maybe it's that English reserve thing you have going babe.

Anyway, so we discuss if I am here with her. Or just…? She encourages me to go over and talk to the other girl. I ask her if she fancies me, because these days, especially with a bit of alcoholic lubrication, I am not backwards in coming forwards. To hell with the games and the dancing around and the not knowing. Just tell me where the hell I stand, you know?

She looks a little embarrassed and says we're mates and it's best to take things slowly and see what happens. And besides she says, I think you need to get over your ex still and I need to get over mine to some extent too. I grin and tell her she's a very wise woman. She's right, if I'm going to get into a relationship with someone, it can't be rushed. It has to be something that happens naturally, when I am ready for it. Which is not yet. Which is not to say that I can't have some fun in the meantime though.

So I went over to the blonde girl and told her that it turns out I'm not with Jill and which friend fancies me. She points me over to Linda who is a cute young thing and we are encouraged to dance. And dance we do. At some point, we leave and head to a club. Where we dance and spend the rest of the night making out. On the dance floor. Mmmm, kissing girls is such damn fun.

I really needed to let loose and do that. I've kissed a couple of girls since I've been here but that was a marathon make-out session and I've missed those. Plus, she was a damn good kisser, which is always a bonus. The only problem is she lives down south and she is… ahem… quite a bit younger than me. But still, I'm not looking for a lifetime commitment, and I doubt she is either at only 22. Still, I feel like a bit of an old perve. But in the best way of course.

Finally, Linda's friends got completely fed up and dragged her off. She gave me her cell phone number and we said a reluctant goodbye. Jill and I pooled our meager financial resources and having finally managed to flag down a taxi at 2am got home with 50p to spare. Jill also spent the rest of the night and all of today teasing me about my marathon tonsil hockey session.

She's cool and since Manchester is only 90 minutes away, I have a feeling we will see a lot of each other. As for Linda? Well, we've been texting. She is turned on by the fact that I'm almost nine years older than her. She's cute and hopefully we'll cook up in Manchester again sometime next month.

I said to Jill this morning that I feel as though I make a much better gay woman than I ever made a straight woman. I have never had this many men interested in me. And especially not men I was interested in back. I kind of feel as though I have awoken the sensual, sexy side of myself and she's running rampant. And maybe that's a great thing. After all, I am experiencing all those things now that I should have experienced in my 20's. My first great love, my first great heartbreak, having fun dating, kissing lots of girls and generally just enjoying feeling desirable and free to be myself at last. It's fab.

Oh and one last note? During the whole saga with ex-friends molesting husband, I told Jill I tend to be quite sexual in my dancing. She reminded me of that today and with a grin, told me I was certainly right. She said she saw Linda's face when I started dancing with her and she didn't think Linda knew what had hit her. Me baby, me. Jill has decided she's taking me out again because she needs to pick up a tip or two about how to pull a girl. Or girls. Hee.

How about, flirt shamelessly and outrageously, Laugh, drink, have a great time, and don't be afraid of what people might think of you.

Needless to say, I'm out of my funk. Now, if I could only ditch the hangover and the ringing ears….

Posted by rachie at 07:28 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

juillet 11, 2003

song for the day

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

~ my immortal - evanescence ~

Posted by rachie at 01:08 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

juillet 10, 2003

PS:

I'm in the middle of a redesign for this blog. It won't be grey any longer. Hopefully it will be readable and reasonably simple. I like it so far, at least.

Posted by rachie at 12:07 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

feelings

I feel so tired, my head is swimming with thoughts and space and a slightly lost feeling. I feel like I've lost my best friend. I feel like I've lost part of myself.

I feel vulnerable and slightly raw. I feel like I want to eat sweet comfort foods. I feel like I want to sleep for a fortnight. I feel like a child.

I feel sad, with a soft, shallow ache in my chest. I feel free. I feel like I may never be entirely happy again. I feel jealous. I feel like I can't get my thoughts straight in my head. I feel spent.

I feel like there should be more than this emptiness.

Posted by rachie at 12:03 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

juillet 08, 2003

the last goodbye

I'm happy that she's happy. I really am. It's honestly quite a strange feeling. It hurts a little but I know it's right. If she's having the life she needs, then I am happy for her. I love her too much to wish her ill, as much as the past year has led to thoughts along those lines, I have never wanted anything but the best for her. I don't know what the best is for her, I don't know her that well any more. Sometimes I really wonder if I ever did. Only she knows what she needs, and I hope she has it. She seems well on her way, at least.

As am I. In a different direction, but then, that's life, isn't it? Some people come and some people go. Some people leave footprints on your heart and change you forever. She changed me, good and bad. Mostly for the good. She helped me to confront demons and forced me to confront many more.

I miss her. But tonight, in my head and my heart, I said goodbye, at last. It's become clear she doesn't want me in her life any more. Words and actions have always been two different things with her and when the two don't mesh, you have to read between the lines. I can't continue being hurt, I can't keep working to rebuild a friendship that has only one side. Maybe she's trying not to hurt me any more than she already has. I don't know. But that's the problem, I don't know, because still, after everything we have been through, we seem to be incapable of communicating on the levels we need to to get past this impasse.

I don't want a superficial friendship with her, emails exchanged every six weeks with a polite enquiry into the health of family and little else. That's not enough for me and she seems unable to give me any more, for whatever reason.

She kept telling me she wanted to be friends, to get past the pain and start talking about every day things. But when I try, I get nothing in return. I understand she is busy and has a life to live, for goodness sake, so do I. I am doing so much these days that my head is spinning. And yet I want to make time for her. I've been trying to make things better and I don't understand the motivations behind the little I've gotten in return.

So, yeah, it hurts. I think it would hurt less if I felt like I mattered enough to her to actually make an effort. If I felt that she didn't feel quietly ashamed of me and the time that we shared. If I didn't feel that she wants to put all that behind her and live the nice, ordered, happy life she seems to be living now.

Maybe I've got it all wrong, but again, her words and her actions are telling two different stories and when the words are so few and far in between that the actions overwhelm them, you don't have much choice.

I wish, if she does want to leave our friendship behind that she would have the courage to tell me. Like I wish she'd had the courage to leave the relationship instead of leaving me to do the actual deed. But I guess, you can't always get what you want. Sometimes you have to take an action that hurts like hell, you have to steel yourself and just get on with it. Because no-one is going to do it for you. You are the only one that's going to take care of you.

I'm crying again, because this is possibly the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. Even harder than the breaking up. I just know I can't keep on feeling like this. I have to make the choice to let it go, because it's not helping me, and I guess it's not helping her.

So, this is it. If she wants to be my friend at any point in the future, she knows where I am. I'm tired of doing the running. I'm saying goodbye.

I will always love you, but I can't live with just the crumbs of you in my life. I want something real. I want to be respected for who I am now, not just what we had at one point. Or I don't want anything at all. Take care, my love. I hope you have a full and glorious life. And I hope you keep just a little piece of me and my love in your heart and remember always how much I once adored you.

~ Rachael, July 2003.

Posted by rachie at 11:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

juillet 05, 2003

resolutions

If there's one thing I don't like about myself, I think it's my tendancy, in times of stress, to focus on what I don't have, rather than what I do. I've noticed it lately, I've been reacting again because I want something, I keep pushing for something that should be patently obvious by now that I can't have. And yet, I keep focussing. And reacting. And it's doing me absolutely no good at all. And meanwhile, I blow off what I do have.

I have a pile of unanswered emails in my inbox (a few less after today, which feels good) but I keep focussing on the emails that aren't there. Why do I do that? I fear I am my own worst enemy.

Well, this is my new half-year resolution. I am going to focus on what I do have. I'm going to put my energy where it needs to be, not where my head in it's twisted way deems it should be. I have so many great, wonderful friends who are a million times more patient with me than I deserve. And I need to start appreciating them the way they deserve to be appreciated. So you, and you know who you are, all of you, this is my notice to you. Expect emails from me, and soon.

Well, after I get back from London...

Posted by rachie at 12:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

juillet 02, 2003

putting it behind me

I think I've realized something. I've been expecting too much. I've been pushing too hard. Relationships, friendships are fluid, living things. You can't make them happen. They happen on their own. or they don't happen, more to the point. the hole is no longer there to be filled. I don't have the room in my life to make this constant effort. to think about it all the time. maybe it's too soon. maybe the gap is just too wide.

all I know is I'm too tired to work it out any more. I give up. I'm letting it go.

Posted by rachie at 10:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

fluidity

Apparently the majority of women are aroused by watching any gender getting it on. As reported here. I find that really interesting, because I certainly find all kind of sex, sexy. So to speak. I love reading slash (both m/m & f/f) fan-fic (when I have the time), and also find het sex erotic.

But the fluidity of sexuality in women as opposed to men is an interesting theory. And is it psychologically hardwired or socially engendered? After all, it's much more socially acceptable for women to find another woman attractive. Again though, what comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Posted by rachie at 11:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

juillet 01, 2003

Tired

There are days, few and far in between admittedly, where I just get tired of me. Where I get tired of my thoughts and my history and my feelings and my pain. I want to slough it all like a dead skin and arise newborn, like a pheonix.

But it's not possible. I am the sum total of my experiences, however much they haunt me at times. My thoughts and reactions are formed by those things that have happened to me. By actions I have taken. By regrets that I have.

Today I just feel so worn down. I'm crampy and tired and dead miserable. I hurt and I want to stop. I want to sleep. I want to not think and not remember. For the first time in a long time, I feel homesick. I miss my father, my brother, my neice, my cat. I long for the embrace of a good friend, to be able to cry in the arms of someone who really knows me and cares about me.

I'm tired. Tired of stressing out about money. Tired of missing her. Tired of trying so hard and feeling like I get little effort or understanding in return. Tired of crying. Tired of not having any tissues in my office. Tired of not seeing my friends, tired of missing my cat. Tired of feeling tired.

Posted by rachie at 11:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack