juin 27, 2003

alone

There has always been a part of me that has been lonely. That has needed completion. I think Iím closer to that completion now. Itís as though I am a jigsaw puzzle and I am slowly interlocking all the pieces. I understand much better now. The pain is still there, but I understand it and accept it for what it is. I embrace it, because itís part of me, part of my experience.

On nights like last night, I gaze back over the past eighteen months and wonder. At how different I am, at what I have become. At how far I have come.

I have dealt with death, the separation of my parents and grief at tangible and intangible losses. I have lost my home and left my family and friends. I have moved house four times in a year and moved country twice in six months. I battled depression, loss of identity and the loss of my lover and my best friend. I have grieved more in the last year than I ever have before in my life.

There was a point where I felt I had lost everything. Everything except a roof over my head by the grace of people who cared and, of course, the love of my family and friends. It may have only been that that got me through. The love and caring of those people that listened to me and my grief, that supported me in my darkest, loneliest, hardest hours. My friends, my family and my God. Even when I was unluckiest, I was still luckier than so many people in this world.

I had panic attacks. I thought about suicide. Even about how I would do it. I never had any serious intention; just the thought scared me enough to send me scurrying to the doctors.

I remember that agony and I marvel at where I am now. I am sure some people may have preferred me to get to this place more quickly. But sometimes I am astounded I am here at all, given the depths and places I have been to.

Healing processes take time. My healing from the rift and break-up with the girl was impacted by so many other things I had been through before that. Losing two or even three homes in six months was a huge thing to wrap my head around. Where I was in America was such a bad place to be, in hindsight. It did bad things to my head. It made me feel bad things about myself. I ended up in pain, hating myself and resenting others. If I hadnít left, I donít know if I would have survived.

There were moments where I wondered if Iíd ever feel normal again. Where I was in so much emotional pain I wondered if the hurting would ever stop. Where I wondered if I would ever stop crying.

Iíve stopped now. I donít remember the last time I cried. Iím through the worst and I am strong and in charge of my life again. I feel grown-up at last. And I donít feel lonely any more.

Posted by rachie at 10:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

juin 25, 2003

it's my bag baby!

I don't quite know how I managed to do this, but this weekend I am having dinner with D on Friday, going clubbing with J in Leeds on Saturday and having dinner with A on Sunday. Holy hell. I'm going to need to take a day off to recuperate. But damn! So much fun!

I know D and J fancy me and the feeling is pretty much mutual. Amanda and I get on really well via email. I think it will translate in person too. She is a big sci-fi fan too, so that's definately a major thing we have in common! Plus our love of animals.

Also, and this could be pretty major for me - she is also a musician and has asked me to try out for her band. It's an older style band with brass and they play jazz, blues and some early rock. They're looking for a singer, and seems like I could be it. It's been a secret dream of mine for years to be a singer in a band. So secret that nobody knows it. Guess you all do now! So I am really hopeful about this. Also I have fallen into a change to get involved in an amateur dramatic society which I am also excited about. I hope all this will serve to flesh out and engage my creative side and will keep my mind and soul sated.

Things are really great at the moment, really great.

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juin 21, 2003

random relationship musings

Last night I met D for a drink and dinner and then we went to the Matrix reloaded. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the movie. weird. but good. and monica bellucci? Mmmmm.

and D? she and I get on like a house on fire. she makes me laugh and I find that very sexy. she's not hugely attractive, but I find myself attracted to her intelligence and her sense of humour. and I know she's attracted to me and it's nice to be desired again.

the only problem, well, okay probably not the only problem, but the major one is that she's moving back down to brighton at the beginning of august. isn't that typical? I find someone who I really take a shine to and she's moving away.

mother suggested that I could also move down south. I told her I'd have to think very seriously about moving for another girl. I'd have to know I was doing the right thing. And having just met her, and her being the first girl since the ex to extend the possibility, I am not prepared to go down that road yet. I like where I am right now, I'm not prepared to throw that all away on a mere possibility once again. After all, we all know how well that worked last time.

and then there's J and several other girls that I have lined up for dates. J is gorgeous, reminds me a little of Helena Christensen. I'm not sure she knows how attractive she is. part of me would like to show her.

it's always confusing, this dating thing, these feelings, these attractions. who is to know what is right and what is wrong. how compatible is compatible enough. how do you know? I thought I knew with the ex and I was wrong. So how do I trust those feelings again?

Maybe because this time I take the time to listen to my instincts and the warnings in my head. Maybe because this time i know myself so much better and I know what I want. I know I want someone who knows what they want. Who isn't afraid of being themselves. Who will commit themselves to me in the way that I need and want.

at least of course, there is the fact that I am <i>getting</i> dates. not something that happened a lot when I tried to be straight. mainly because I find men a little boring on a relationship level. I love to be challenged and I love connecting on an emotional and intellectual level. I could never acheive that with a man the way I have with women. this being gay has opened up a whole new wonderful world for me and I am not prepared to limit myself to one relationship when I feel like I have the world to explore. not yet, it's too soon. I have just found my feet, I want to have the occasion to use them.

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juin 19, 2003

Yes!

Woop woop! Red letter day. Today I managed to put in a CD I made for the ex before I moved to the states. I'm listening to it now and you know what? It's not hurting. The memories are still there, they still make me smile a little ruefully, but they're just really damn good songs.

I think I'm finally doing it. I'm getting over her.

And it's about damn time.

Posted by rachie at 11:57 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

juin 18, 2003

flaunting?

There are some things that piss me off. Sometimes they piss me off a lot. Sometimes it's as big as a judgemental attitude, sometimes as little as a word.

Be proud of your sexuality, but why flaunt it? This little portion of a comment in tracy's blog was enough to trigger my anger, as it evidently was tracy's. Not least because the same word, uttered by a friend had already set me off earlier in the week.

Tracy in reply said this Ė "We get that "why flaunt it" crap when we hold hands in the mall. We get that if we kiss each other goodbye in our own goddam driveway. "Why flaunt it?" It's not flaunting. It's showing each other affection, which never garners a half-glance when straight people do it." To which I can only say a-fucking-men. Thank you Tracy a thousand times.

I haven't yet been confronted by homophobia in any real form. I've been very lucky, I freely admit that. I know it exists, but I refuse to let it control my actions. I refuse to let a fear of being shunned or abused define who I am and how I behave. Not any longer.

My friend wasn't talking necessarily in terms of homosexuality. Although, that was the crux of the conversation at that moment. She stated that in either a homosexual or heterosexual relationship she doesn't feel the need to "flaunt it" outside the home.

Which is where I saw red. Admittedly partly because I felt I was being judged. Because my need for physical affection, whether it be in the home or outside the front door makes her uncomfortable. Yes we are different people with different values and upbringing, but I resent the implication that because I want to kiss or hold hands with my girl, or even my boy, should I ever have one again (unlikely as it may seem to me at the moment) in public, that I am "flaunting" my personal life.


A level of comfort with physical affection, with showing your feelings in public, with revealing yourself as having made a choice, as being a loving, feeling human being should never be called flaunting.

I'm not even sure how I would define flaunting in this context, but it is so far beyond simple kissing or hugging or hand-holding that it's not even funny to me.

Surely flaunting implies that everyone is looking and cares what you are doing. Since the majority of the human population seems to exhibit one form of affection or another to their partner and even their friends in public, the fact that I'm doing it does not make me an exhibitionist, even if it is a girl that I am kissing.

The idea that anyone would give two tosses that I kiss my girl outside the font door of my house would tend to mean I am hyper aware and paranoid that everyone is ready to jump in and disapprove of me the moment they see me doing something ever so slightly out of the ordinary. And quite frankly, that's putting far too much weight on what the world thinks of me. I'm simply not that important to most people.

And of course, there is the fact that I don't care. I don't care what the world thinks of me, I couldn't really give a shit. As long as I give my best to those that matter to me, and I am happy with myself, there is nothing else to say.

So yeah, the idea that anyone thinks I am flaunting my private life by being openly affectionate with the people that I love pretty much offends me and pisses me off. That's who I am, so get used to it. If you don't like it, that's your problem, but don't use your own feelings and standards to judge me.

Because I'm probably going to be too busy making out with my girl in public to careÖ.

Posted by rachie at 11:37 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

juin 15, 2003

100

this is my hundredth entry in this blog. wow, doesn't feel like that. I've had a hundred things to say, a hundred emotions to spill out into blank space, to share with the silence. to share with you.

you know more of me now. you have a much better idea of who I am, of how I am changing and growing. There are times I could be more honest, there are things I could share but choose not to, for one reason or another, but they are not many. mostly, you see me here in these entries. my pain, my confusion, my happiness, my growth. my honesty.

you see some of my most innermost thoughts, sometimes before I even see them. sometimes they surprise even me. but I am proud of every single one of them, even if they sometimes don't cast me in the best of lights.

I'm such a complex person, I know that now. I have so many facets warring with the others. I'm a gyspy at heart and yet I want stability. I want things and yet I want the freedom to just pick up at a moments notice and move on. I want to love and be part of something good and larger than myself and yet I want to hold onto my independence and my singularity. I make choices all the time. Most of them good, some of them mistakes. But my mistakes are my lessons, my growing pains and I hold onto that thought through the aches and the strains.

I am so happy with where I am and being me. And yet in a way I am sad it has taken me so far away from her. I knew, when we split that our paths were diverging. That we were going to become so different that we would have little left in common. It scared me then and it scares me now. I still love her, I always will, and I always want her in my life. But what happens when the day comes that we have nothing to talk about? What then?

I deal, I guess, like always. there are new girls. I spent the afternoon sitting by the river with a gorgeous gay girl from Manchester. We drank pimms in the warm afternoon sun and got checked out by men. It felt so good.

Things are moving on. And I'm still learning and growing and looking forward. And sharing. Life is a strange and wonderful thing. Thank you for coming along on my journey.

Posted by rachie at 12:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

juin 13, 2003

emotions vs control

There are moments I wish with a burning passion that human beings could have dominion over feelings. That feelings could be controlled, boxed, compartmentalised. That we could wake up in the morning and say, right, I plan to feel fantastic today and absolutely nothing is going to get in the way of that.

I wish so much that I could stop being in love. That I could stop aching at the thought of her with someone else. That I could just shut that part of me down and switch those feelings off. I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning and not care a jot that she is so over me and so moving on.

It's not that I want her to be unhappy, I don't. It's just so hard to not be the one that makes her happy. because that was all I ever wanted and I failed at it. I'm not good with the failing, never have been. just like I've never been good at not being in control.

I'm getting better at both of them, but at moments like this, I feel completely frustrated by my emotions and their ability to stymie me. why can't I be happy that she's happy and in love? why instead does it hurt that she can move beyond me and us so quickly? and why does it make me question how she actually felt about me that she can?

once again I have to remember to relinquish control, let the feelings have their time and live through them. It's so damn hard at times though.

Posted by rachie at 11:17 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

juin 10, 2003

lookin' and likin'

I'm having a great week. I don't think I've ever been complimented this many times in one week, but hell, I'm taking it and lapping it all up. So far I've been told I'm the prettiest girl on one internet site I've joined, I'm stunning, great looking and the other night when I went to the lgbt dance I was told I was a very sexy woman by one woman and was told that I look 25 rather than my actual 31 by another. talk about some serious ego stroking. and it's doing me the world of good.

I am looking good. I've put on some weight and mostly have my bum, boobs and curves back. I had my hair cut on friday and it looks wicked cute and blonde. and most of all, I feel wonderfully confident and I think it shows. and it's attractive to other people.

I don't need any reassurance any more, but it's wonderful to get complimented without looking for it. And I'm still revelling in the feeling of not needing anybody to lean on, of not feeling the fear that seems to have plagued me for my whole life.

the dance was fun, I didn't drink but it was still fun. there were a couple of cute girls there, but they looked like they were with big butchy dykes and I wasn't about to take them on. not when I have so many other possibilities.

I have a date on the weekend with a girl from Manchester. It's sort of a blind date but I'm really looking forward to it. We've been chatting on email for a couple of weeks now and get on famously. which, of course, could be famous last words. we all know my history with internet relationships, both platonic and otherwise...

still, it's something. it's a start, it's potential and it should be a lot of fun. just hope the weather is good.

Posted by rachie at 03:16 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

juin 03, 2003

not enough time

I simply don't have time to do anything much at the moment. I had a weekend that didn't stop from go to woah, work is getting busier and I am up to my ears in emails which desperately need to be answered. I don't have a clue where to start.

I need three solid days alone just to catch up on shit. and to get some personal space. I'm sorely in need of it at the moment and it was reflected in the PMS I had this weekend. I just need to get my head together and not feel like I'm drowning in undone tasks.

As such, please forgive me if I owe you an email and/or I don't make too many posts here in the next few days. something's gonna have to give...

Posted by rachie at 10:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack