mai 30, 2003

strange

There are things that are intrinsically scary. like the idea of dating again when you've never managed to sustain a half-way successful relationship.

I've always launched myself into relationships with unparallelled fervour. I thought it was normal. I thought that's what I should be doing. It felt right. Now I know I was looking for something. And it's not just love relationships, but friendships too. there's always been an intensity in my relationships that has often lead to burnout somewhere along the way. either they burn out on me, or me on them.

I have thrown myself, my entire conscious being into connecting with another person, and I wasn't even really aware of how wrong I was in doing this. Wrong because I was desperately searching for something.

In hindsight, with the clarity of pain and heartbreak and much growing and learning, I see that now. I've spent my life searching for someone to look after me. To protect me.

I'm not even sure why that is. Where did I get that need from? My parents loved me and looked after me. But maybe they protected me a little too much. And maybe the criticisms levelled at me on numerous occasions wore a groove in my consciousness. A groove that bears the words "you're not capable. you can't succeed no matter how you try."

Sometimes I find life wearing. My confidence fails and situations outside my comfort zone induce profound anxiety. Sometimes, like when I was in America, everything is just too alien and I simply don't know where to start. sometimes I crave help. sometimes I crave support. I'm only human, after all. My inner child needs nurturing and I have spent a long time looking to someone else to do that.

When the girl and I got together, I thought I had found that. Now I know I was wrong to expect that from her. Although part of me wonders if she expected the same thing from me. It's unfortunate, because two needy people don't ultimately make a good combination. We couldn't give each other what we needed because we needed to find it in ourselves.

So now, when I think I mostly have all this sorted out, when I think I am able to nurture, love and look after myself, I am faced with the idea of starting over. But from a different pole position.

There are so many messed up people, so how do I pick out the healthy ones? I've spent my life being attracted to the wrong people, people whom I recognized, who I intuitively understood their pain. Now I have to look for the ones who don't have that pain. Who are adjusted to life and who respect the people that are in their life.

For so long I didn't respect myself. And it translated into not gaining the respect of others. Of the girl. Now I do respect myself, will it automatically translate into finding someone that will respect me?

I don't want to be leaned on. I'm still tired. I'm still worn out from the girl. And I don't want to be leaned on. I've spent my whole life inviting people to lean on me until I collapsed under the weight. That's not to say I don't want to be a friend and I don't want to hear my friend's or my partner's problems. I simply don't want to be <i>vital</i> to anyone else's life. I want to be vital to my own. I want to concentrate my energy on me and just enjoying myself with those around me.

So now I'm looking at dating again, and it's odd. I don't want to date exclusively. Not yet. I want to experience... experiment. I want to dance and laugh and feel the sunshine. I want to kiss and kiss and kiss someone different. I want to be myself and wait for something *real* to develop, not desperately go searching for it and try to make it happen.

And yet, I've never had that conversation before. "I just need you to know, I'm seeing other women. I'm not ready to take things exclusive yet." I've spent my life in single dates becoming singular relationships. I dated once or twice and then it went on and became something exclusive, or it finished. So this is new and strange. And a little scary.

Today I'm a little scared again. A little scared I'll slip back into old ways and old thoughts. I had a date on Wednesday night and it's brought all these thoughts back to the forefront of my head. And I find myself struggling with old instincts, old fears. It's a little unsettling. She was so nice, we had such a great time.... and I don't know why I create so many problems for myself in my head. I'm not sure why I have this tendancy to make my life so difficult....

Posted by rachie at 11:42 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 27, 2003

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Sometimes I worry that I sound like a know-it all. Because really, I know shit. I just know how I feel and that's what I talk about. sometimes I worry I come off self-righteous. but really, I guess in the end it doesn't matter. this is my journey, my place to share my life and who I am.

I talked to my therapist last night. she's back home in new zealand, but she keeps me balanced and helps to validate my feelings and decisions. she told me that I sound the healthiest she's ever heard me. I think, three and a half-years into therapy, that's quite the acheivement. especially considering where I was six months ago. considering the amount I have backslid at times.

I fuck up. don't we all? I make mistakes, but I've learnt to own them. and sometimes it surprises me when other people don't. my therapist reminded me last night that not everyone is as healthy as me. in fact there aren't a lot of people that have done the work on themselves that I have, she said.

wow. now there's a concept. me. healthy person. person who has a crack at getting things right now. who will still make mistakes but who can recognize them for what they are.

I feel in control of myself and my life in a way I never had before. what happened the other week has given me an opportunity to take charge and stand up for myself. I acknowledge my strength and it doesn't scare me anymore. It's a strange and wonderful feeling, and odd too, not knowing what's around the next corner and yet not being afraid of what it might be. I've never not known that fear before.

so now I'm going out and seeking a future and I'm trying things I never would have had the courage to before. I'm meeting someone new tomorrow night for a drink. I'm in contact with several girls I plan on meeting in the near future. I want to make friends, I want to build a support network, and if it's right, I want to find someone who will love and respect me for just who I am, honesty and all.

Posted by rachie at 10:26 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 26, 2003

The past couple of weeks

The past couple of weeks have taught me something valuable. The past eighteen months have taught me a number of valuable things. But the most recent realization is one of the most valuable.

I can't expect anyone else to look after me. No-one is going to go into bat for me, no-one is going to advocate for me. If I'm going to be looked after, I'm going to have to do it for myself.

That's the bottom line. It's not to do with lack of trust, although I do feel pretty much let down in that regard of late. It seems like every time I trust someone, I get shat all over. And yet, I keep trusting. I don't know if that's naÔve of me, or just human. Whatever, I don't want to stop trusting, I don't want to stop letting people in. I've seen that, I've had to work to gain the trust of people like that, and in hindsight, I'm not sure that I ever did completely.

But the point of the matter is, I don't want to be like that. I don't want to constantly close myself off from intimacy because I am afraid of being hurt. I don't want to be constantly afraid of being used or hurt, I don't want to be constantly on watch and wary in case someone doesn't live up to my expectations. The reality is that people make mistakes, people use, they hurt and they suck. That's life. To expect anything else is setting yourself up for a fall.

But does that mean you shouldn't trust people? No. It simply means trust them and be aware that they are going to fuck up at some point. And when they fuck up, you make the choice to forgive them, or to move on. Sometimes there's not even anything to forgive. Sometimes, like last week, it's not so much a fuck-up as just being an asshole. You have to make judgments I guess in whom to trust and you learn as you get older, to trust your gut on those judgments. I'm still learning that particular point, I guess.

This may seem completely unrelated and random, but it's not, trust me. I watched the final of Buffy on Tuesday night. Despite the dangling loose ropes (some of them were a little larger than threads, I'm afraid) I thought the finale was mostly perfect. Buffy came into her own at last, she became the leader, the hero we always knew she could be. She became *our girl*. She became her own person.

And she gave all those around her the power to believe in themselves. To advocate for themselves. To fight for themselves. All around the world, there were girls who lifted up their heads and knew they had the power to look after themselves. To fight their own battles. And watching that moment, I got a huge tingly rush myself. It was as though I came into the sure and certain knowledge that I don't *need* anyone to look after me, because I am more than capable of doing it myself. It's something I've been getting to for a while, something that I've been on the path too, but after the past week, after standing up for myself, I suddenly feel incredibly strong and capable.

I still wish I'd said something that night. I still wish I hadn't drunk so much. But those are just minor points. The major one is finally, I believed in myself. I believed in my right and my duty to advocate for myself and when the friend tried to justify the husband's behaviour, I didn't back down.

I didn't let fear get in the way. I was prepared for the loss of the friendship because I need to surround myself with people who will help me get through my life day by day, not throw roadblocks in my way.

For the first time in my life, I'm no longer scared of reaching for my goals. If I fail, then I try again. That's all. I'm no longer afraid of being hurt. I have lived through my broken heart, I've taken my heart and myself back from that situation. I've learned so many things about myself. I've become sure of myself, I think I've discovered who I am. And I'm not afraid of that person.

I'm in the process of actively seeking out new friends and acquaintances. I have a new job. I have a idea for a book which I think will kick ass. Figuratively and literally. It's really coming together and it doesn't matter how much shit life flings at me, I keep on getting up and moving on.

I feel empowered. I feel real. I feel honest and strong and completely me. And I really like it.

Posted by rachie at 04:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 22, 2003

sigh...

feeling very cynical tonight about people in general. and men in particular.

this is not predisposing me towards men in any way shape or form.

I may consider myself bisexual, but right at the moment, I consider men a complete waste of good oxygen.

and I really, really hate that feeling.

Posted by rachie at 11:13 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Loss

I've been feeling pretty good. I know I did the right thing in telling the friend. I felt much better after doing so, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I knew in all likelyhood she wasn't going to be overly sympathetic towards my take on the situation and my supposition was borne out in the email I had from her this afternoon.

She pointed out again that I and the husband were drunk and she wasn't so much. She pointed out that when we were dancing I had my "hands all over" her and she was uncomfortable. I told her if she felt that way she should have said something. But as far as I am concerned, I just put my hands on people's waists/backs when I am dancing. That's how I dance. Deal with it, or tell me to back off. Whatever.

She also said she had seen me put my hands between the husband's legs. Uh... okay. Except, *why* would I do that? Firstly, hello *GAY*. And secondly, just EW. I wouldn't do that. People's crotches are their own business. I told her if I had done it accidentally then I was sorry. But the husband had done it to me while maintaining eye contact the whole time. He had done it very purposefully and I got the strong impression he was getting off on the idea of getting away with this under his wife's nose.

And finally, she said, I was being very flirtatious and had been saying nice things to him all night, anyone might have thought I was "soft on him". *WTF*?? Yes, I did think he was a nice guy. Right up until the moment he felt me up in front of his wife.

So in summary, it goes like this. If you're drunk, you dance with someone and touch them and say nice things to them, then you're giving them an open invitation to feel you up. Remember this girls, it might come in handy some time.

Give me a fucking break. I am trying to remember she must be in a very difficult situation and this must be very confusing for her, but the justification of his behaviour really pissed me off.

In her defence, she did say she had given him a fairly lengthy bollocking and told him how stupid he was. But I don't know... she seemed to buy his story of an apology and was passing it off as miscommunication.

I told her if I had thought he was sorry, if he had genuinely apologized, I probably would have been okay with it and passed it off as a stupid drunken moment. But even if he had come up to apologize, the "I kinda liked it" comment pretty much completely negated it anyway.

And as for me telling him it was okay, she was my friend.... someone's miscommunicating and it's not me. Fucktard.

So, in conclusion. Obviously she has known me for all of five minutes and he *is* her husband. Somewhere down the track he will be a prick again and one day she might actually accept that he is a complete reject of the human variety. But that's up to her. Quite frankly I can do without people who want to blame me for someone assaulting me, in my life. I can do without friends who's husbands are molesting assholes.

Bottom line is, don't mess with me. Because I won't be putting up with it.

I can do without more people who want to fuck with my head, because I've had enough of that shit to last a lifetime.

Another thought I had though. He's a manipulative bastard. She has no close friends here in York and the two people who were offering her the most support and friendship - her husband has managed to get rid of inside two months. The boy he was accusing her of having an affair with and me.

So, she's isolated again. She's just where he wants her again.

Poor her.

Posted by rachie at 08:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 20, 2003

Sucking

I told her. I don't think she believed me.

He'd pre-empted by telling her he'd touched my breasts, knew it was stupid and apologized. I set her straight on what actually happened. She told me she didn't know what to say and that this was very out of character for him. And to be honest, she said, we were both quite drunk.

Yeah, thanks for reminding me of that, because I haven't berated myself for that every moment since Thursday night.

I told her yes we were drunk, but he touched my breasts and my genitals and that is not appopriate behaviour. It does not excuse or justify what he did or that he thought he did nothing wrong.

So, I have probably lost her friendship now. Life sucks and then it sucks some more. I just sent her an email laying out how I felt about it all, why I hadn't told her up until now, the fact that I knew I may well lose her friendship but that I feel it was a risk worth taking because she needs to know he did this, he is not well and he is lying to her. Whether she chooses to believe me or not, I told her, is up to her.

I told her I will support her whatever she decides to do. I guess that means even if she doesn't believe me and chooses to stay with him.

I feel like I did the right thing, even if she doesn't believe me. It feels good to remove my responsibility in the matter. He's her husband, she deserves the choice in what to do, it's not my place to protect her or him from the truth. I didn't ask for this responsibility, but I didn't abdicate it either.

It's still scary though. I've potentially made an enemy of a cop. I've potentially just lost my best friend here. It's a huge mess and I resent the hell out of him for putting me right in the middle of it.

Posted by rachie at 11:41 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

mai 19, 2003

hurting

I spent most of the weekend agonizing over whether to tell the friend or not. I swung between telling and not telling. there are a hell of a lot of ramifications either way. I don't want this responsibility. I don't want to feel so disgusted and powerless, but I also don't want to risk a friendship. the reality is that whatever I do, I'm risking the friendship.

It's weird but until thursday night, I never really realized how much sombody simply touching your body could be such a violation. Until you are in that situation, until somebody touches you sexually without your permission, you can't know how it feels. how it replays over and over in your head and you wonder what you could have done differently. and you can't know how your skin will crawl every time that happens.

and the thing that hurts most of all? in the past, the first person I would have turned to with this would have been the girl. I would have called her on the phone, looked to her for comfort.

and now, there's nothing. she has her new life and her new people in it and I'm no longer part of that. and sometimes, like this weekend, when I really need her, it still really hurts.

Posted by rachie at 12:12 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

mai 17, 2003

indecency

I had an interesting night on Thursday. It started off well, it was a lot of fun, but... well, let's just say it freaked me out a little by the end of the night.

The background is I've this good friend at work - who has been having marriage problems. Her husband accused her of having an affair when she wasn't and they came very close to breaking up over it. Complicating matters, he is a cop on suspension and is currently waiting for his court date because he's been accused of indecent assault. It was in a nightclub apparently and some girl said he touched her between the legs. He told my friend that he didn't and she believes him. And to me he didn't seem like the kind of guy who would do something like that and I told him so last night (I was drunk at the time).

So all fine and good right? Except we all got drunk last night and while the friend was looking at the CD's the husband and I were dancing and he stuck his hand under my top twice and touched my breasts (I wasn't wearing a bra at this point) and then put his hand between my legs. I firmly removed it and walked away and went into the bathroom to take a few deep breaths.

I didn't say anything to the friend and not long after we all decided it was bedtime. Later on the husband came up and knocked on the bathroom door while I was brushing my teeth and... well he was so drunk he was kind of incapable of saying much at all. He told me he *wasn't* apologizing but... and then really didn't say much. I looked at him and said yeah well, don't do it again. So THEN he says, well I kinda liked it actually. I'm standing there absolutely stunned and say 'don't do it again, it's inappropriate, she's my *friend*'. He kinda nods and says 'inappropriate, right' and turns around and leaves the room.

I wish I had told him he *should* have apologized. I feel a little violated and kinda freaked out. Because basically, now I know he's probably lying to her about the girl in the nightclub, after putting her through hell by accusing her of having an affair, and he's touched me like this.... and...I don't know, I just don't know whether to say something to her about it or not. I mean, it's my body and he touched me. He was really drunk, and we had been talking about vibrators and things all night but that's no excuse. But I don't know if she would thank me if I did say something and he would probably deny it anyway.

I just don't know what to do about it, if anything. I'm not so much worried about the touching, I can take care of myself and he was *very* drunk. It's possible he doesn't even remember it. I'm just angry he's put me in this position.

My instincts say I should keep quiet. I could be buying myself a whole lot more trouble than it's worth. But if I get the chance I will tell him if he ever tries that again, I'll break every one of his fucking fingers and I *will* tell his wife.

That and I really need to stop drinking so much.

Posted by rachie at 05:54 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

mai 14, 2003

the journey

I watched the penultimate episode of Buffy last night (gotta love the internet). I couldn't stop thinking about it afterwards. It's all coming together, a seven year journey that we, as watchers, as fans, have traveled with these characters. These characters that have somehow become as friends to us.

And it's resonating with me. So strongly it's almost scary. Until the past few months, I've never related very closely to the character of Buffy. I identified with Tara and Willow. Shy, geeky, unsure of themselves. Powerful in their own way, but sidekicks. And then there was the gay thing. My journey followed in Willow's footsteps, even down to losing the girl she loved and having to work out where she stood as far as her sexuality was concerned. Like Willow, I too realized I am "gay now". And in some ways Willow helped me to feel not quite so alone at a time when I was sinking in so many other ways.

And yet, Buffy, while I understood her, I didnít relate to her. She was strong, confident, reckless and she stood apart. Alone. Unique. That wasn't me at all, was it?

And now? Now Buffy is all grown up. And I'm grown up too. This year, Buffy has been all about growing into adulthood, about figuring out what it means to be an adult in this world. Buffy, who has held herself apart from her friends, is learning about human connections and human solitude. Buffy, The Chosen One is learning that while you come into this world alone and you go out alone, it's the connections you make along the way, the people in your life that allow you to make a difference.

For years I was afraid to be myself. I lost myself, my essence in other people because I didn't know how to stand alone. I was terrified of losing those connections. They were the only way I knew I was alive. I thought I saw myself reflected in other's eyes and that was what made me, me. And all the while, I was trying to make myself in the image others created for me. I was trying to live up to so many versions of myself that I didn't have a clue who I was. It culminated in the disaster that was my sojurn with the girl.

Part of me wonders now if co-dependence isn't just another word for immaturity. Or at least the two are intricately linked. In learning who I am and that I do stand alone in this world, I have recognized my strength and my power. And I finally relate to Buffy. I'm reckless, and yet, I'm guarded. I'm making connections and yet I'm not sinking every fragment of my being into those relationships. I'm finally learning balance.

Buffy needs all her friends around her to fight the final battle. The First Evil. But ultimately, she is alone. She is the one with the power, she is the one that was chosen for this task and this, ultimately, is her personal journey. And yet, she won't make it without her friends. It's the ultimate irony. We can't do it alone and yet, we are always alone. That's life, we have to learn to live with it and embrace it.

I get it. I really get what JW is saying and somehow I feel like he's saying it to me.

I donít know where my journey will end. I do know I'm destined for something. Something that is important for me. It's going to take time to get there. The time is not important. The destination, ultimately, is not even important. It's the journey that tells the story. It's the connections, it's the people I reach out to and that reach out to me that change the world in some small way.

I can't wait for next week's Buffy. I can't wait to see where her journey ends. How it all ties up and what the final lesson is. I can't wait and yet I dread it. It will be the end of the journey that has moved alongside my own. The end of the people that have accompanied me along the way. Characters, stories that have brought me joy and pain, laughter and tears. The end of this show will leave a hole greater than any show before it. And yet, it's only a TV show and the hole will vanish in time. But it's been tremendous fun along the way.

To those that don't watch Buffy Ė you should. It's truly wonderful. To those who do Ė thank you for sharing this with me. To the one that introduced me to Buffy in the first place, more thanks than I can ever articulate.

Posted by rachie at 11:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 13, 2003

changes

today it's one year since I left new zealand. one year without seeing the ones I love, one year without smelling the fresh air of home. it is so strange. it feels like an eternity and yet it seems like it could have been just yesterday.

it's been a strange year. a strange, frightning, painful, thrilling journey. I'm still stumbling, still trying to surmount the roadblocks. some days are still harder than others.

thankfully the pain and the anger is mostly gone. I enjoy getting up in the mornings now. I look forward to tomorrow.

I am having lunch with friends on Thursday and dinner at another friends house in the evening. I plan to go to an lbgt dance in york at the beginning of june. this time I plan not to get drunk.

I am making plans to meet people. to meet women. to date again. it's exciting and also frightening.

I'm in love again, but this time it's with myself, my potential and my future.

Posted by rachie at 08:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 09, 2003

associations

Mum went to the hairdressers the other day. when she was done we had lunch in a nice little greek cafe in york. after lunch, she told me how the hairdresser had been talking about me. about how, when I was in there, they all thought I must be a model. because of the way I look and the way I hold myself.

I was stunned.

when I was younger, I was aware that I was attractive. I played it up. I enjoyed it. somewhere in the last few years, I have lost that knowledge.

maybe it was somewhere in the perceived rejection by my father. maybe it was in the rejection from the girl, maybe it was the depression, but somewhere along the line, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror and liking what I saw.

somewhere, I seperated out the features and stopped looking at the whole. I'd think, I have nice eyes, but I'd miss the rest of it. I'm not even sure that I see it now. I know other people do, I've been told they do but... I don't know. It's just strange.

I think part of it is to do with my self-consciousness, with my lack of self-esteem. There came a point in my twenties where I became frightened that men were attracted to me for my looks only, that they couldn't see what was underneath. maybe they were too shallow, they were looking for a trophy. Or maybe it was simply that there wasn't really anything underneath. That I was boring. That I was deficient in personality, that I was wanting in so many ways.

Wow, yeah, I've had a lot of issues. I still do, I freely admit that. I suffer these crises of self-confidence on a regular basis. I'm not sure I'll ever overcome them totally.

I saw a girl on the bus today and really wanted to ask her out for a coffee. She was hot, I mean, really hot. Too hot to be interested in me, that's what my inner voice said. she's bound to be straight and she'll probably laugh at you if you catch up to her and ask her out.

I almost caught her up and then I chickened out. I'm not sure I can take the rejection yet. I'm healing well now, but what happens if someone new doesn't want me? What if I'm simply setting myself up for rejection all over again? How far might that set me back?

Of course, I seem to be setting myself up constantly anyway, in trying to keep up a friendship with the girl. It's immensely frustrating, trying to struggle to work out where I stand with her. Everytime I think we're getting somewhere, it all seems to collapse again. she ignores an email, I get upset and we're back at square one. I don't understand why she asks me questions and then ignores the answers. I don't understand why she can't simply tell me she's not comfortable discussing certain issues instead of just going all avoidy on me and pretending they don't exist.

they do exist and pretending doesn't make it so. the lack of communication is what got us here in the first place and I'm really starting to see that there's been no movement on that front whatsoever. it's like a neverending circle or a brick wall I keep hitting my head against.

my skull might be thick, but the message is finally getting through. one rejection too many maybe, or one rejection enough. yes, it is over, and finally, after six months, I'm glad it is. I deserve more respect than I'm getting. I deserve someone who is willing to work at communicating with me. I know I'm shit at it too, but at least I'm trying.

I've been trying too hard maybe. Maybe my own self-respect is what's finally kicked in. maybe I'm finally seeing the attractiveness, not just outside, but inside too. there's someone out there who will see it in me, someone who will want to see more of it, I know there is. someone who will value me and want to spend time talking to me.

I'm tired of feeling like an afterthough, like I'm something that's not quite worth the effort of working through and experiencing uncomfortable emotions. like something that has to be sectioned off, compartmentalised because I'm not safe and easy.

and that's probably just my perception, I'm sure that the father and the girl wouldn't recognize my take on the situation, but that's how I'm feeling. and dammit, my feelings are valid and I am sick of them being marginalized. I am tired of apologizing for how I feel. I don't need to apologize, for myself, my sexuality or my feelings.

I am who I am and I'm not predictable, I'm not safe and I'm sometimes reckless. and I say what I mean and mean what I say. that's life, deal with it.

I know I'm strong and I know I'm attractive. I know I'm downright intimidating at times. but fuck it. there's someone out there who's going to find that immensely exciting and once I find them, just watch out for the fireworks...

Posted by rachie at 11:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 08, 2003

helpless

I don't have too much to say today. my mind is too full of dogs and cats being farmed for fur and the horrific images of beautiful grayhounds hanging from trees. (see visual resonance)

sometimes I feel very small and helpless. and selfish. there's so much suffering in the world and I'm so bound up in my own. but then, in getting outside my own head, I'm confronted with more pain. it seems overwhelming at times.

still, I'm feeling good, still with the not missing, and with the looking ahead. if only I could figure out in which direction ahead is. I think I'll work on that tomorrow. tonight my head is too full of wondering how to stop being helpless and start helping.

Posted by rachie at 11:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 07, 2003

mending

I think I may have made a bit of a breakthrough in the past couple of days. I've had a bit of a reality check and it's reminding me of a few things. Like the fact that I deserve to be respected. Like the fact that I'm infinately better off where I am, that I am older, healthier and far wiser than I was six months ago.

I really expected to miss the girl yesterday. it wasn't the best day ever, but it wasn't that bad either. I didn't miss her at all, and that astounds me. It also indicates to me that I'm finally getting over her. That I'm getting ready to move on.

I still have issues, but the issues *and* the responses to them, are changing. the issues are with behaviours and values that I can't change. behaviours and values that are not mine and that I am no longer taking onboard. as many similarities as the girl and I had, the differences are stretching into a yawning chasm. some days I'm not sure how to gulf it. some days I'm not sure I want to.

nothing will ever be the same, I regret that, but I've done my best and that's all I can do. I can't inform anybody's responses, I can only look forward. I still feel as though a part of me remains with her. Perhaps she'll always hold a peice of my heart. but slowly I'm regaining what is mine. I'm taking back my power and myself. and I'm taking back my ability to love.

I think my broken heart might finally be healing.

Posted by rachie at 11:38 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 06, 2003

not so great

As predicted, today has not been the best of days. a convergence of negativity has overwhelmed me and I feel quite defeated. tomorrow I will pick myself up and move on. but tonight I just feel sad and lonely.

I miss a lot of people today. oddly enough though, I don't miss her much at all.

Posted by rachie at 11:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 05, 2003

time

I wish I could just sleep through this week. I have never been more serious. I just want to go to sleep and wake up... no, how about I just sleep through the whole month of may.

too many memories. too many 'anniversaries' I would rather forget.

first of may last year, my parents officially seperated and my neice was born. second of may a year ago, my father moved to another city to move into his new girlfriends home. today a year ago my mother and I moved, by ourselves from the home my father had forced her to sell. six months ago, tomorrow, I left the south and left the girl and left my dreams which had crumbled into so much dust. six months ago on the tenth, I left the usa in a state of massive depression.

there are more anniversaries. a year ago on the eleventh, I left new zealand. I arrived in the us and into the girl's arms. the girl and I travelled to a good friend's wedding and we spent a wonderful few hours as she turned a significant number of years old drinking great wine and making love. we had a wonderful few weeks. even the anniversary of that time hurts now.

it all hurts today. it will all hurt tomorrow.

this week, I wish to hell I could just forget it all.

Posted by rachie at 11:26 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mai 02, 2003

bzzzz

another reason not to live in the south

*cough*

Posted by rachie at 10:20 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

parental thoughts

my horoscope for today...

One last concerted effort and you will be able to get to the root of the problem that has undoubtedly been on your mind for a while now. The answer to the question concerning your identity isn't entirely to be found in your family history, RACHIE. You are part of a generation as well as part of a family. Both influence your responses.

I'm not quite sure what this is supposed to mean. I have been having issues lately, well, not so much lately as for the past couple of years. Issues with the fact that I am my father's daughter and my responses are often so much like his.

Bottom line is that my father can be a real asshole. the way he has treated my mother in the past two years and even longer has been nothing less than despicable at times. and there are moments when I find it worrisome that I carry his genes and some of his tendancies. the tendancy to be selfish and self-absorbed. the tendancy to be defensive and know-it-all. the tendancy to blame others rather than take responsibility.

they are all traits I am fighting, and successfully at the moment. I wonder about the nature/nurture debate - is it my genes that predispose me towards such negative tendancies, or are they learnt strategies to deal with adversity?

I also have a lot of traits that are not his. my ability to be open. that I do take responsibility. my emotionality. my caring about other people even when there is nothing in it for me. my ability to love and give.

don't get me wrong, I love my father, a lot. I know he's done his best. just that his best at times hurt me and led me to feeling rejected and not good enough. he didn't know how to relate to a little girl and I never felt like a little girl around him. I felt sexless around my father, I was not his princess, I was simply a child. A child he loved the best he was able to, but with my sensitivity that was never quite enough.

a year ago tomorrow, he left home, left my mother and I to move out of the home she loved, a home he'd forced her to sell only months after he left her. he moved to another city to be with his new girlfriend. only five months after he broke the news to my mother out of the blue that he was leaving her.

in those five months, despite the fact that he knew I was leaving the country on a semi-permanent basis, despite the fact that I poured out my heart to him about how I felt and he admitted that he'd made mistakes and not been the best father he could be, in those five months, he made very little effort to spend time with me. he came to my flat maybe four times. he never offered to cook me dinner, take me out to dinner, or spend the day with me.

he claims to love me so much and miss me, but he barely ever phones me. I get an email maybe once a month. granted, I don't email him much, but then it's not up to me to chase down his affection. he's the one that should be making up for the time lost when I was a child and he was out with his friends or out at work or out on a boat enjoying himself. he's the one that's not.

I don't respect my father, I don't even like him much. I love him, he's my father, but at the moment, there's not much else there. and he doesn't seem to be in any hurry to change that.

I'm like my father, but I'm not. I'm a better person than my father and I won't beat myself up over his shortcomings. my identity comes from my genes, but even more it comes from my experiences, my choices and mostly from my soul.

Posted by rachie at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack