avril 30, 2003

silence

sometimes I just really don't get it.

at all.

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avril 29, 2003

black hole

The rain comes loudly, darkly and hungry
Pounding harshly at the window pane
Beckoning, agony, a rare void of reason
Calls me forlorn to its embrace

Beneath the heavens darkened fury
Feel the crackle of lightening rage
Slides right through me, feel it slicing
Drenched with hunger, seeing her face

Sliding, falling, reaching, slipping
Losing my grip, day by gloomy day
Calling, feeling, needing, dying
Hope finds purchase then starts to fade

Now the rain comes soft and slow again
Life renewed as the storm dies away
The blush has all gone, springtime has paled
Standing alone I try to look brave

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avril 27, 2003

wrong or right

I came across something tonight, something I wrote for the girl at her request before I moved to be with her. it was a little fantasy and it brought back so many memories of her, of the hopes I had, of the things we dreamed of doing together.

there are times when it still really hurts, when i just can't believe that we'll never be together. when it seems so wrong because being with her when it was good felt more right than anything ever has.

i just wish i could stop feeling this way about her. stop hurting, stop loving her. just get on with my life like she seems to be. sometimes I am afraid I'm going to be stuck in this rut forever, that I'll never get past these feelings for her and I'll never have the opportunity to love someone else because I always want what I can't have.

and I know I deserve more than that. I deserve someone who can give me all of themselves without fear, and someone that I can love completely in return. without reserving part of my heart for the girl.

and I'm starting to fear it will never happen.

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avril 25, 2003

boogie on out

I went out the other weekend with k & c. I went to c's house after work and we had dinner. when I walked in, the scent immediately reminded me of the girl's mother's house. it was a little off-putting.

we showered and dressed for the night out, and then ate and then drove up to york to pick up k. k, who had been stuck in with kids for the previous few days was talking 90 to the dozen which c and I found quite amusing since she had seemed reticent to come out the previous week.

we parked at work and walked into york. k knew where all the good pubs were. so we went into several for a drink. i went easy on the drinks, choosing to drink gin and tonic, since wine seems to be my big downfall. the g&t concept worked a treat as I alternated them with water, I didn't have a problem with the drunkeness I often have. which was cool.

we ended up at mcmillans and had a couple of drinks and a dance there. I spotted a few attractive girls but I've come to the conclusion I have a very inaccurate gay-dar, or at least I don't trust enough to take the risk to talk to a girl. the problem is, while it's easy to peg the butch dykes as being gay, it's not the butch girls I'm interested in. I like my girls girly and femme and it's hard to pick the femme gay girls. it might be a little easier in a gay bar or club but there aren't any of those in york. it makes things a little awkward iwith the seeking a date issue.

so, we danced for a while and then headed across the street to a nightclub. we went upstairs since k was hungry and she got herself a burger. yeah, they sell burgers in nightclubs over here. weird.

so, we're standing there talking about weight and food-related things and k makes the comment that she is well-built and has been able to pick up every one of her boyfriends. she said she has always wanted to be petite and feminine but never has been. I agreed, because at 5'10" it's impossible to be petite and I never feel particularly feminine. They both immediately told me that I am very feminine.

In fact, said k, I intimidate her. intimidate? what the heck? she said that while her best boy friend is gay and he took her to a gay club and she was okay with all the butch women there, I intimidate her.

Huh?

I let it drop and we went back downstairs where we ended up in the smaller side-room with the floor where they play the 80's music.

so we start dancing and of course, three attractive women dancing together, the men were of course immediately assuming that we'd be having more fun if they were in on the dancing.

thus, we decided to have some fun with them and started dirty dancing. h knows what I'm talking about here. there is nothing much more fun than dirty dancing with your girlfriends. unless maybe dirty dancing with your girlfriend. anyway, it wasn't long before we were surrounded by men, as c put it, utterly gagging to get in on the girl-on-girl action. typical men.

actually, I must note at this point that it was c and I that started with the dirty dancing. it took k a little while to loosen up and get involved. it took a while before I felt okay with putting my arm around her and pulling her close. but when I did, she seemed okay with it. she seemed to enjoy the evening, and as we walked (well, I walked, they hobbled) over to the take-away to order pizza and fried chicken we talked about going out again in a couple of weeks.

we dropped k off and I drove c's car back to her place where I crashed and she stayed up and talked to her hubby. it was a great night, so nice to feel like people enjoy my company and want me around. c definately makes me feel like that and I even feel like k did too, and that's something I haven't been sure of before, she's usually pretty reserved.

and there was a postscript to this. k is still on holiday so the other day, I took the opportunity to ask c about the intimidated comment from that night . ah, she said, I wondered when you were going to bring that up.

basically she said, k is uncomfortable with my sexuality. she has talked to c about and been quite blunt. while not overly surprised, in some ways I was. although it explained some things, it was also something that threw me a little. while I expect it from older people, someone of my own age being obviously uncomfortable that I am gay was slightly disturbing. I am not quite sure why though. I mean, it's a fact right? not everyone knows how to deal with homosexuality. people are homophobes. fact of life.

maybe it's that I'm an idealist. but I just don't see what difference me being gay makes to anything. I like women, but if you're straight, I'm not going to come on to you. I probably won't even fancy you. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm hot for every woman that walks past me.

however, there's another factor in here that intrigues me. the fact that she could deal with the butch gay women, but not with me, since I'm femme. I said to c that maybe I'm not her preconceived stereotype of a dyke and it's unnerving her. because if I'm gay and I look perfectly normal, then things aren't so black and white. c was inclined to agree with that.

anyway, whatever the reasons or the issues k has, both c and I agreed that she seemed more relaxed and at ease by the end of the night. which can only be a good thing. because for every person like me who is out and is comfortable with their sexuality there are more people who are going to have to be challenged to deal with homosexuality and find some way to be comfortable with it.

I don't flaunt it, but I don't hide it either, it's part of who I am, but it's not all of me. I am just me, and yeah, I am gay and so what? as long as I don't come on to you or make you purposefully uncomfortable with it, then it's really going to have no affect on you whatsoever.

I hope k comes to realize that in time, because she's a fun girl and fun to be around. and I want to have people to go out and boogie with.

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avril 24, 2003

first kissage

I've been reading fanfic this week. found some good willow/tara fic that covers the backstory to the beginning of their relationship. There are lots of almosts, a lot of first steps that have taken me back to the beginning of my physical relationship with the girl. reminded me how wonderful it was. reminded me how much I loved kissing her.

I was telling c today how amazing that first kiss was, the first time the girl had the courage to kiss me. it felt completely different to any other kiss, made me feel completely different, completely buzzed and turned on. it was that moment that it really hit me. I'm different. I'm very probably gay. I don't think I was quite ready to admit it to myself right then, but I knew it, deep down.

The butterflies, the trembling, the forgetting to breathe... I was so enraptured by the feeling of her lips on mine. it was the most amazing feeling I've ever had. I'll never forget that first kiss, it changed my life. one kiss changed my life forever. because of one kiss, I'm now in England. that is so surreal.

and yet, it somehow makes perfect sense.

the fanfic has brought back so many emotions, so many memories of the time we had together, so many moments I wish I could recapture or redo over again. I wish I had cherished her more, I wish we'd had time to grow into the relationship. I just wish things had been so different. No, I'm still not over her. I'm not entirely sure, I ever will be. But I am coping with the thought of not having her, of not being with her.

And I am openly gay. I don't flaunt it, but I don't hide it. It's me, it's part of who I am, and I am so happy to be able to admit that after 30 odd years. Before the girl, I was never much interested in finding someone new when a relationship broke up, but it's different this time. Maybe because I know what is out there, what a real, loving relationship could be like. But maybe it's just that I've admitted I like girls more than boys and there are lots of enticing girls around.

So, I am looking around at the other girls out there and contemplating the thought of being with someone else. It's scary, but also a little exciting. I want that feeling again, that first flush of love, of lying in someone else's arms. like melissa etheridge, 'I want to be in love'.

I want to kiss again.

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mmmmm

buffy wrap party pictures

amber, aly and julie are just... mmmmm...

Posted by rachie at 10:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

avril 21, 2003

surrendering

This isn't a real post. It's just a pretend post. you're not really seeing this. I'm a figment of your imagination.

okay, so really, I'm not. but I could be, right? right?

sometimes I think I am.

but I digress.

I am back from down south. had a fabulous time, despite the almost cold. have still lots of things to say, no time much to say them. however, my boss is away this week, so hopefully I'll be able to put some thoughts down on paper in the next few days. I've outlined the thoughts on my dictaphone, so that's a start.

but in short, I'm doing a lot of surrendering lately, a lot of giving my problems, my fears, my anger to god. a lot of letting the big guy take the worry and the need for control from me. I feel more secure in my relationship with him than ever. it's a great feeling and it brings me a lot of peace.

there's frustration right now, but I'm letting go. I can't make things happen, I can't make others listen, see or hear. I can't force issues, I can't expect too much or think I deserve too little. I know so much and yet sometimes I feel so much as if I am floundering in confusion.

But, I am okay. I am determined not to react, I've done too much of that lately. I'm surrendering it to God and letting it go. What will be, will be.

I love my life and I love all those in my life, no matter what.

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avril 17, 2003

destination unknown

Sometimes you have absolutely no idea in which direction you are going until suddenly you find yourself at a completely unexpected destination. There are days I look around me and it hits me out of the blue. I'm in England. There are country lanes and hares and cottages and I'm actually living here. And working and making friends and applying for university. How the hell did that happen?

Sometimes it feels like a dream. And most of the time I just don't even try and wrap my head around it. A year ago, I was preparing to move to another country to what I thought was my future. Who I thought was my future.

And now I find, it was simply a step along the way. A resting place, a place to learn lessons, to play out the last games of my adolescence, to finally bring me to a fuller and more rounded understanding of myself. It has been a wild ride, a rollercoaster of joy and pain and angst. It's been confusing as hell. But I've survived it.

C told me today that I look more relaxed, happy and at peace than I did a couple of weeks ago. I told her I feel it. I'm having fun at last, I'm happy within myself at last. I'm learning to be proactive, and not reactive. I'm not letting words or silence affect me. I'm living again instead of just existing and drowning in the feelings and reacting. I feel strong and responsible. I know I don't need anyone but myself.

It's all good. It's all fantastic, actually. I feel really proud of myself for getting to this point.

There's much more to share about the past week (what a time for the blog to break!) but right now I have to go to sleep as I'm heading for West Sussex at 6am in the morning and then hopefully Kent (Sissinghurst and Hever Castle) on Saturday. I'll be trying to post as I'll be taking the laptop, but it might not be possible. I do have pictures to go up on the main blog though and I'm seriously thinking about playing around with the design for this page, the iframe is getting a little irritating.

keep checking back - so much to catch up on. And to anybody I owe emails - hopefully some time this weekend or early next week!

Posted by rachie at 11:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

good

I'm finally able to post again. Thank God! I have so much to say but it's all swirling in my head and I don't know where to start. And I don't have a lot of time at the moment. Maybe at some point this afternoon I might be able to sort out my thoughts to a point where they make sense.

I'll just say for now that the weather is wonderful (hot!) and I am feeling fantastic.

Posted by rachie at 11:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

avril 09, 2003

letting go

I had a great time last night with j. we had a drink and then went to wilde's for dinner. we found a little table in the corner and despite the fact that we were both tired, we nattered for hours over lasagne and a burger. we are very similar people and she understands where I am coming from. we talked a lot about relationships and she noted that the girl and I are still having pretty intense conversations for a relationship that has been over for six months.

and she's right, we have been. the past few days have been exhausting emotionally, but in the right kind of way. before now, we haven't been able to talk sanely and rationally about what happened between us and how we both felt. first I was too off the wall to enter into a civil conversation and then it seemed too late, too pointless to her. I'm not sure either of us knew how much we needed it. I had an inkling, but it's surprised me how much weight I feel has lifted from my shoulders. I finally have the closure I've been looking for all these months and it really feels fantastic.

I'll never forget what we had and how wonderful it was. how much she made me laugh and how she touched me. but those are memories to store away now. I can re-examine them later, when the last of the grief has faded, when on a warm day, they can make me smile with just a hint of wistfulness.

she is an amazing woman and I wish her much joy and happiness. I hope she finds whatever it is that will make her happy.

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avril 08, 2003

mid-week update

I am so tired. and somehow I have managed to have plans tonight. still, that's a good thing, less time to sit and ruminate. but also less time to sleep.

I have talked with the girl and I feel better for it. we have some things cleared away I think and it feels good. the anger is finally dissapating for both of us and not before time. I have taken ownership at last and it's not as scary as I feared. we're definately over, but that's not as scary as I feared either. in fact, it's somewhat of a relief. now I don't have to wonder any more, don't have to project, obsess, control, hurt, wish and freak out.

now it's just me and my wide-open future. and anyone who cares to wander into it.

I still need the space, still need to heal and seeing her name in my inbox is still enough to send me spinning off my axis. that's more about my state of mind than anything, and the fact that I need a lot more sleep probably. I need to start taking good care of myself and giving myself what I need.

I had good advice to that effect from an online acquaintance yesterday. I need to do things that make me feel good. look for the good in every day, look for things that make me happy. do different things, things I didn't do with the girl. things she might not approve of. revel in being me, in living, in surviving. be brave, give up the hope and move on. accept that I'll probably never stop loving her, but that I can and will love perfectly fine without her too.

I'm going ou tonight with J. she's cute, but regrettably straight. however, she is lovely and I hope will become a good friend. on thursday I am having lunch with e and on friday night I'm going out on the town with c. she plans to find me someone to hook up with since I claim my 'lesbi-dar' is not always operational. we shall see, I have to say the idea is not completely turning me off.

so, the week is looking up, especially since by this time tomorrow, I should finally have a phoneline and be able to get online at home again. that can only be good.

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avril 07, 2003

this day

I'm still breathing. There is a time and a place for everything. I am finding my time and my place. I am floating, arms outstretched, reaching, touching, holding. I never knew how much I had, how much I could give, how much I could withhold. From myself.

The air is fresh. Time, infinity beckons. Life shimmers, like a teardrop in the sunlight. Fleeting, transparent, unknown. It slips through eager fingers. Grasp harder, all is lost.

I breathe today, soft sweet fresh air. ancient and born anew. nothing ever really changes and nothing stays the same. I love and I lose. and I am born again.

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avril 06, 2003

holding

I may have just made a complete fool of myself and done the dumbest thing ever. Then again, I may not have. At least now I'll know. maybe....

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avril 04, 2003

Twelve

Lesson #12 - I am responsible for what I see (I choose the feelings I experience and I decide upon the gials I would achieve. And everything that seems to happen to me, I ask for and receive as I have asked)

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avril 03, 2003

forgiveness

I was feeling pretty low last week. At the end of the week, I spent some time trying to work out what triggered it, why and what I can do about it. Because I don't want to spiral back into that depression again. I talked to a few people about how I'd been feeling - the fact that I'd been feeling low, and I guess, needing support. And in some ways that helped. I don't know why, just saying I feel like crap really helped. It's a lesson you think I would have learnt by now.

There was a comment here a couple of weeks ago, Erin commented in response to my lessons #2 post. The one about forgiving people and she said that sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself first. I guess that really made me think, and wonder, what it is I haven't been forgiving myself for. And in asking myself that question, the answer that immediately springs to mind is the way I behaved with the girl at the end of the relationship, and the way I ended it.

I've known it's been there, hiding beneath the other day to day thoughts, but whenever the thought came up, I shied away from it, from thinking about it and being honest about how I felt about it. I didn't take responsibility for it -I told myself I had no choice, it was all I could do at the time, the only decision I could make. I told myself I was depressed and emotionally a basketcase (which, admittedly I was) and I didn't have any control over the way I behaved. Which isn't true, you always have choices and that's something I ignored at the time, be it willfully or otherwise.

So, it's been there, and like anyone, I don't like to admit my shortcomings. Not to myself and certainly not to anyone else. But, when I'm truly honest with myself, I don't like the way I behaved. I don't like the fact that I spun out and couldn't cope with the insecurity and the fear. And really, if I'm brutally honest, my reactions were fear-based reactions and I did what I accused her of doing. I ran away because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to cope with being crushed by her rejection of me. So I left before she could leave me. Ain't it true that you don't like in others the things that you despise in yourself?

In the final result, it could have been the right choice to make, to leave. It probably was, but I'll never know that for sure now. And I've been feeling ashamed of the way I did it, the way I ran away, the way I didn't trust her to be honest with me, to take responsibility for her own feelings, of some of the things I said to her afterwards.

One of the books I've been reading lately is Beyond Codependence by Melody Beattie, and in it she talks about shame and that shame is an indication that we don't feel right with ourselves, that we're ashamed of ourselves and I think that's really what I've been feeling.

So in acknowledging that, and those feelings, what I really have to do is be proactive, and realize that those were behaviours. I can feel bad about behaviours and I can make amends, which I have done. I have emailed the girl and apologized for the things I did and said, for the way I handled things, because I could have handled them better. Much better. I know I'm better than that and by skipping out, I deprived her of the opportunity to be courageous and come to her own decisions about how she felt. I didn't trust her to do that and I regret that in hindsight. I have felt for a while that she was angry at me for taking her power away and making the decision and maybe she had a right to be. Maybe it was her decision to make. Maybe she should have made it earlier, maybe she never would have made it at all, but my feelings on that should not have influenced my process and my decisions.

We both played our parts, but the part I am concerned with for now, is mine. That is the only part I have any responsibility for or any control over the outcome.

So, I've made the amends and she has accepted them. And now I am trying to realize that I made mistakes and although I didn't behave the best way I could have, that doesn't make me an unworthy person. I made mistakes, just like everybody else and I need to pick myself up and dust myself off and move on.
It's just hard that my mistake has affected my life so profoundly. Maybe it would have turned out the same way if I'd made different choices, but I don't know, and I won't know now. And that's a big regret, and I'm not a person who likes having regrets. I'm not a person who likes not knowing.

It's profoundly strange though, how acknowledging your own weaknesses and shortcomings can help you feel better. Already I feel more at peace, more able to forgive myself and to move forward. Oddest of all, for the first time, I feel a little hope. But I'm not sure that it's realistic, or even desirable. In some ways it would be easier to convince myself that we were simply wrong for each other. But six months down the track, I'm still not convinced. I feel more that we were possibly the right people in the wrong place in the wrong time.

I just wish I could know. It's the not knowing that drives me mad.

But I'll have to find a way to reconcile myself with that. I have to find a way to put these feelings in the past where they belong, or I'll be tethered to a memory and I'll lose opportunities to love and be happy with anyone else who comes into my life.

Because I do deserve forgiveness and I deserve happiness too.

Posted by rachie at 02:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

avril 02, 2003

inside

I found the little dictaphone thingie! so I'm all with the happy dancing. It's been a weird week though. And still no sign of a phone. and I'm fricken busy at work. not that that's overly bad. but.... still thinking. still hurting. still breathing. still hoping.

I want to know, and yet I don't. I want to ask if the hope is forlorn. but i can't. I want to turn back time, and yet there's no point, because I am where I should be. for now.

I think and I feel and I still love, just as much as ever. I'm happier and I'm quietly sadder. I'm more at peace, and yet still brimming with questions. I'm losing the need to judge and yet I find myself constantly questioning my own motives, my dreams, my actions, my regrets, my desires.

I have so much inside me to share. and yet, I can't. and I'm not sure if I broke it completely. it was broken to begin with, but did I destroy what was left? can I still dream of sun and clouds and laughter in my heart? will I ever know the answers? do I want to? answers might tie me to the past, or let me soar but I have idea which way around that might happen.

I'm lost and I'm finding myself now. the need has gone, but the love hasn't. the aching hasn't. I'll never stop moving, seeking, wanting, and yet, I'm trying to surrender them all. To offer them up to the unknown, to relinquish the need to know. to soothe the restless wondering...

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avril 01, 2003

the joys of moving

I moved house on the weekend. in the move, I misplaced my new digital dictaphone machine. I'm a little concerned I left it in the local pub when I had lunch on saturday. which would suck, since there is stuff on there I wanted to post here.

I am also without phone thanks to bt who failed to tell me that they would need the first connection payment installment before they can send out an engineer to connect us. fuckers. which means tomorrow night is the very *earliest* we can have the phone working. and I'm not holding my breath for then. because customer service in england pretty much tends to suck the suck of a thousand asses.

however, it is a pretty little cottage - converted stables for an old farmhouse from what I have gathered. the beams are so low I'm often in danger of hitting my head. if I wear any shoes with heels, I'll hit my head on the top of the bedroom door. fun. but cute nonetheless.

I have a post to make but I need to get my thoughts in order before i post, since I don't have my dictaphone to go off of. unless I miraculously come across it tonight. which isn't likely since I've about torn apart my newly unpacked bedroom looking for it.

I think I'll be making a trip to the old house so I can catch up on ebay stuff because I'm now 4 days behind on that.

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