janvier 30, 2003

acceptance

Healing comes when we relinquish our beliefs about what the conditions of our life should have been and become willing to accept and eventually even appreciate what is. -robin norwood why me why this why now?

Acceptance. it's one of the hardest things we ever have to do as human beings. accept something that we don't like. the instinct is to try and change it, to make it better, to improve it. we try and improve things about our homes, ourselves and our relationships. the danger comes when we try and 'improve' other people.

the truth is, there are some things you can't change. I can't change the girl, any more than she can change me. I can't change what went wrong between us, although I have spent much of the past three months wracking my brain to find a way to do just that. A lot of the time I wasn't even aware I was doing it. I knew, logically, that it was an impossibility. you can't go back and remake decisions. you can't reverse time and reverse the problems. you can't unbreak something that was never whole.

there are just some things you can't change. and when you can't change them, at some point, you have to accept them.

I've had real trouble accepting that it's over. if we had been just lovers, it would be one thing. I think it would be easier to let go and move on. but we weren't just lovers. we had a deep and binding friendship. we had a shared history. we shared everything of ourselves and we turned to each other in times of crisis.

now, in a time of crises on crises, she has become my biggest crisis and she has vacated the position of official rachie emotional support. and I can't change that. I can't change the way I feel about her, the good or the bad. feelings are feelings, not tangible, not controllable. I can't change that she is not the right person for me, or I for her, no matter how desperately I wish we were. I cannot change her fundamental beliefs and choices, no matter how much I might disagree with them. they are hers and they are who she is. I can't ask her to change them and I can't change mine.

acceptance. it's been a long time coming. but I see glimpses now.

Posted by rachie at 11:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 29, 2003

truth

the truth can be an ugly thing. personal honesty can come at a heavy price, or so I've been discovering. or maybe it is being dishonest that accounts for the final bill. for when you cannot lie to yourself any longer, when all falsehoods are stripped away and you can no longer turn from the truth, then all that is left is to confront the choices that you made, thanks to the lies you believed.

Posted by rachie at 10:28 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

janvier 24, 2003

labels

I don't like labels.

we live with too many labels on a daily basis. we are assigned labels by others. by people who know little but judge much. we label we are labelled according to physical features, social status, intelligence, employment, the car we drive, or don't...

we label ourselves even moreso and we often limit ourselves with those labels. we are shy, insecure, talkative, quiet, bright, scatty, hard-working, lazy... it's a never-ending list of words that we use to define ourselves, words that are used to quantify us and judge our fitness as human beings. words that we use to judge ourselves, words that limit our world and contract our comfort zones.

which I think was one of the reasons I have been reticent to openly label myself as gay. until now.

if you know me, if you have been reading me for a while on the other site, you might have known, or suspected.

i fell desperately in love with the girl and she with me.

it was wonderful, absolutely euphoric, and although she was half a world away, while my life was falling apart in so many other ways, she was the one thing that I clung to; the thought that soon I would be with her kept me sane. I wanted to sing it from the rooftops, tell everyone - here I am, here's me and I'm in love with a wonderful woman who loves me back.

and yet, I couldn't. I couldn't be public about my feelings to the world at large because of her fear. that her family would find out. that she'd be ostracised. that she would lose everything. and so I kept quiet and I became her secret.

but, it turned out that things fell apart with her too. I had thought I could cope with staying silent but it took it's toll. in a place where I had no job, no friends, no transport and independence, I could no longer be me. I couldn't be honest about something that had, in a very quick time, become very important to me.

in essence, in the last few years I have learned the value of personal honesty and I found myself in a place where I was stripped (stripped myself) of personal honesty about something that defines a large part of who I am.

gay. bisexual. the actual label isn't important. the importance exists on a much deeper level. now that i can finally be honest with myself, this is part of who I am. I am attracted to women on a physical and emotional level more than I am attracted to men.

it is not something I have chosen, it's part of who I am. who I have always been, I've simply, until now, been afraid to get in touch with that authentic me. I have been afraid of that label, of being judged and qualified on something so intimate and so I shunned the chance to explore what it meant to be me.

in that way, I am more than grateful to her. without her, I am not sure I would have had the courage to take that step and open myself up to that risk. I might have spent my life trying to convince myself I wasn't gay and I might never have been truly happy. but my love for her was greater than my fear and maybe that was the reason all along.

while it still hurts so enormously, even three months down the road, I know I have learnt and continue to learn so much about who I am. and I continue to learn what I will and will not accept in my life. I continue to struggle to be honest with myself and others. I and they might not always like what we hear, but for me it is crucial in maintaining my self and my sense of integrity. and for truly being happy with myself and the choices I make. if I can't be honest about how I feel, how can I know I am making the right decisions?

and I've learnt that labels aren't always bad. labels only have to limit us insomuch as we let them. I'm gay. it's a part of who I am and I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with that.

(on a final note, I'm not sure if the girl will read this. if she does, I apologize in advance for anything I might inadvertantly say to upset or cause offence. but this is my space, and my thoughts and feelings. some of them are about her and will continue to be about her. hopefully less as time goes on.)

Posted by rachie at 11:53 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

janvier 23, 2003

depression

today there is a little fluffy cloud of cotton wool sitting in my brain in the place where logical and rational thought should subside. it's grey cotton wool, nebulous and murky. it makes me sluggish and tearful.

I want it to go away. now.

Posted by rachie at 12:31 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

janvier 21, 2003

endings

there are some days you just know. know that whatever you do, whatever you say, however much you care, it really doesn't matter. because when it's over, it's over. whether you want it to be over or not.

there are some days where it swallows you whole and the nothingness that is returned in thought, word or deed leads you to the precipice of your new reality. where you finally understand that while they were everything, you simply... weren't.

I made a mistake. I thought to build a world around that which I loved. I chose the wrong love. I should have, and now I must build it around myself. I deserve more than thoughtless words and half-truths.

respect. focus. consideration. commitment. caring. love. i'm fully aware now.

this is the end. and also a new beginning.

Posted by rachie at 12:29 AM | Comments (1)

janvier 19, 2003

freedom

welcome to my new home.

it's taken a while for me to make the move, but I finally did it. for reasons that may (or may not) become clear, I didn't feel as though I could be honest about a number of things on the old site. and I'm the kind of person that can't be honest about some things and not others. I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I simply am incapable of going half-way. with anything.

the bottom line I guess is I'm not very good at keeping my own secrets. when I open up, I tend to lay myself bare. I am not good at picking some things to share and witholding others. people have to take me as they find me and I know sometimes that can be disconcerting as I am generally very intense and passionate, but that's who I am. sometimes it's a little scary because I halfway expect the world to turn on it's heel and run from me, but I'm working on that. because I've tried to be someone else, and I've found out the hard way, it doesn't work for me. so screw the rest of the world, if you don't like what's here, don't read it. this is for me.

so this is where I get to be me. all of me. this is the place where I share my joys and my fears. this is where I shed my tears and ask the questions that I ask on a frequent basis. this is my space where hopefully you'll get to know the real me. if you care to.

I know I'm looking forward to it....

Posted by rachie at 12:29 AM | Comments (3)

the pingback effect

I bruised my finger today. The knuckle of my index finger of my right hand to be exact. I was getting out of a car and the jacket which I was wearing has elastic around the bottom secured with toggles at either side. The loose elastic somehow got wedged in the car seat and as I got out of the car I went to pull it out and it pinged back and hit me square on the knuckle. Within seconds it was grey and swelling. Now it's a pretty shade of red/purple and the bruising extends beyond the knuckle to stretch over a good third of my finger.

a normal every day event like getting out of a car should be easy. you would think. but the pingback effect seems to make everything more painful and complicated than it should be.

it kinda seems like an apt metaphor for my life lately.

Posted by rachie at 12:10 AM | Comments (0)

janvier 16, 2003

Test entry number one

~test test test~

Posted by rachie at 11:12 PM | Comments (1)

janvier 12, 2003

wounds stretch

Wounds stretch deep into the territory of the heart. It hurts more than I ever could have imagined it could hurt. The pain spreads, like a malingering illness, touching every part of me.

I cannot breathe, suffocated, lost. I think of her and the pain explodes in my chest, obliterating reason and love. It brings with it hate. Hatred, scouring away all that went before.

I weep in anguish for my loss. For all I had, for all I had not yet experienced. I weep for her, for who she was, for who she is now.

I wait. I wait for the pain to fade. I wait for a sign that she remembers, that she feels. I wait for life to go on. I wait.

I wait in vain.

Posted by rachie at 08:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack